Comedy
Wire Joke of the Day!
By Pat Reeder & Laura
Ainsworth
If you enjoy The Comedy Wire, you'll love Pat &
Laura's book, "Nine
Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers," with
over 200 hilarious stories, plus a funny foreword by Gov.
Mike Huckabee! Just $13 (includes S&H!) Click
here now to get your autographed copy!
|
Also, check out HollywoodHiFi.net,
our hilarious site devoted to celebrities who tried to
be singers! You'll find book excerpts, audio
clips, video reviews and much, much more!
And visit Laura's
live show site for her parody songs, video clips,
and her hilarious blog about age and beauty!
***************************************************************
LAURA
AINSWORTH'S
DEBUT
ALBUM,
NOW AVAILABLE AT CDBABY.COM!
Laura Ainsworth's terrific debut CD, "Keep It To Yourself,"
is racking up multiple-track, CMJ and Media Guide-reported
adds in markets from San Francisco to Orlando! Spotlight New Artist album on
BluesJazzRadio.com and CD of the Week on PRX's nationally-syndicated "Blues
& Beyond!"! TWO
WEEKS ON JAZZWEEK'S TOP RADIO AIRPLAY CHART!
"You
can keep all those pop divas. The only one for
me is Laura Ainsworth...Ainsworth has beauty, brains,
sophistication and comic timing that make her the
total performance package...A wonderful modern
interpreter of the Great American Songbook, as well as
thoroughly modern styles." -- Eric Harabadian, Jazz
Inside magazine
"That song
('Keep It To Yourself') is hilarious!...Played (it)
in connection with a cheating husband
story. Great response from
listeners!" -- Terry
Meiners, WHAS, Louisville, "50,000 watts
covering Kentucky, Indiana, parts of
Ohio, Tennessee and Michigan, too!"
If you are
in radio and would like a free promotional MP3 or a full promo
CD for airplay, contact Pat Reeder with your call letters and market now!
***************************************************************
FREE MUSIC! Laura Ainsworth is
the featured artist this month at AllAboutJazz.com. To
read an interview, see photos and to download a free, high
quality MP3 of her steamy new version of the Cole Porter
classic, "Love For Sale," click on her CD cover at AllAboutJazz.com
or go directly to the MP3 download by clicking
here!
Laura has also just recorded a sexy new version of the Irving
Berlin classic, "You'd Be Surprised," with jazz greats Brian
Piper and John Adams. If you'd like a free MP3,
just join her
email list or "LIKE" her Facebook
Fan page and send her a note requesting it!
***************************************************************
JOKES
OF THE DAY!
Monday, February 6, 2012
Little Debbie Is Joe
Camel In A Dress! - Two doctors used the journal Nature
to argue that the government should step in and regulate sugar the
way it regulates tobacco and alcohol. They say 35 million people a
year die from chronic diseases caused by tobacco, alcohol and
obesity; and like the other two, sugar is toxic and addictive, it
negatively impacts society, there's potential for abuse, and it's
unavoidable because it's everywhere. So to save lives and health
care costs, the government should regulate sugar in ways similar
to tobacco and alcohol, including taxes, age restrictions and
other policies. The Sugar Association disputed their science and
said they're confident Americans are perfectly capable of choosing
the right foods without having unreasonable bans and regulations
imposed on them.
* Really? What evidence do they have of that?
* That's ridiculous! We need unreasonable bans and regulations on
everything!
* Also, government bans and regulations are toxic and addictive,
they negatively impact society, there's potential for abuse and
they're unavoidable because they're everywhere.
* All I can say is that if they take away my snack cakes, I'm really gonna need a
cigarette.
* If you thought the Prohibition of alcohol didn't work, wait
until they try to keep Americans from eating sugar!
* I just hope that someday, science discovers that telling other
people what they can eat, drink and smoke causes cancer.
**************************************************************
Friday, February 3, 2012
Marry A Ship; Those Are
Always A She - Occupy Seattle protester Babylonia Aivaz
wanted to protest the gentrification of her neighborhood. So she
put on a puffy dress and held a ceremony to marry a 107-year-old
abandoned building that was slated for demolition. She likened her
human-building union to "gay marriage," which didn't go over well
with the gay magazine, Instinct. The editors wrote, "Why is this
like 'gay marriage'...? Because, we'll marry horses and dogs and
oxen next? Why didn't she take her loony idea about marrying a
building and just call it 'marriage'?"
* She figured it was a gay building because you entered through
the rear.
* So you're telling me there are NO gay architects who'd marry the Chrysler
Building if they could?
* She married a crumbling, 107-year-old relic that was ready to
collapse...That's not like gay marriage, it's like Anna Nicole
Smith's marriage.
**************************************************************
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Kidney Stones - Women's
rights activists in Luchow, Germany, are demanding that the
urinals be removed from the men's room at a local Rolling Stones
museum. The urinals are shaped like the Stones' famous red lips
logo, only without the tongue. A spokeswoman said that without the
tongue, the lips look more feminine, and "that's discrimination
against women." Ironically, that urinal was designed by a female
Dutch artist. The owner, a local banker and Stones memorabilia
collector, replied, "That's not a man's mouth or a woman's mouth,
that's art. They were damned expensive, and they're staying where
they are, and that's final."
* In other words, the women's rights activists can't get no
satisfaction.
* Thinking of it as a piece of modern art makes it much more
acceptable to piss on it.
* Think of it as a tribute to all the brave women who've ever
appeared on "Fear Factor."
* My question: How do these women know what the urinals are like in the men's
room?
**************************************************************
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
I Thought Babies Weighed A Lot
More These Days - Jesters Diner in Norfolk, England, is
offering a dish called the Kidz Breakfast. It includes 12 strips
of bacon; 12 sausages; six fried eggs plus an eight-egg cheese and
potato omelette; four slices each of toast, fried bread, buttered
bread and British black pudding; two servings of hash browns; plus
mushrooms, tomatoes and beans. It has 6,000 calories and is about
three days' food for the average person. It's served on a
2-1/2-square-foot plate, and weighs 9 lbs, over a pound more than
the average newborn baby. The diner owners say it's just a "bit of
fun," and an attempt to break the record for largest restaurant
breakfast. It costs $22 (US), but it's free if you can finish it
alone in under an hour. Health advocates say there's a slight
chance that could actually kill someone and are demanding it be
withdrawn. But so far, nobody's come near finishing it.
* Wussies! I ate that at IHOP last week, where it comes with a
side order of pancakes.
* There's a slight chance that you might die just trying to lift
it.
* If you think the Kidz Breakfast is big, you should see the
adult breakfast.
* My problem with it is that it would be really hard to eat
while driving to work.
* They're right, it's too much food. I'd have them hold the
tomatoes.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Assistant Crack Whore - A
25-year-old woman in Shelby, North Carolina, was charged with
misdemeanor prostitution after she allegedly performed a sex act
on a man for money outside his car on a city street. The man
admitted he had paid her $6. That was a $2 bill, three ones and an
assortment of change. He was not arrested. Police didn't say what
the $6 sex act was.
* I'm guessing she just told him to go screw himself.
* If she can only get $6, I'm betting it's something she can do
with a bag over her head.
* Actually, she only charges $5...He thought the $2 bill was a
one.
* She redefines the term "cheap date."
* She's the only hooker on Earth who has a January clearance sale.
**************************************************************
Monday, January 30, 2012
Smell The Bacon - A new
medical study by Detroit Medical Center recommends treating
nosebleeds with pork tampons. Researchers say there was a long
tradition of using cured pork to stop bleeding, but it fell into
disuse because of fears of bacteria and parasites. But they say it
should be better known because they treated a girl with a rare
disorder that causes prolonged, life-threatening bleeding, and
they say that "cured salted pork crafted as a nasal tampon and
packed within the nasal vaults successfully stopped nasal
hemorrhage promptly, effectively," and without recurrence.
* Plus she smelled like bacon for a week after, and men couldn't
resist her.
* If stuffing your face with pork prevents nosebleeds, then I'll
never have one again.
* Who discovered this, Homer Simpson?
* One caveat: do not use strips of bacon as an actual tampon.
**************************************************************
Friday, January 27, 2012
I'd Rather Have The Cognac
- The Vancouver company dougieDog Hot Dogs is shooting for
Guinness Book of Records by offering the world's most expensive
hot dog. It's made with shredded lobster and Japanese Kobe beef
from hand-massaged cows, seared in olive and truffle oils, and
infused with 100-year-old Louis the 13th cognac that costs over
$2,000 a bottle. The foot-long "Dragon Dog" is named after the
Chinese New Year and costs $100.
* But an hour later, you're hungry again.
* It's not bad with enough ketchup.
* That's actually a bargain; it costs more than that to buy the
cows a massage.
* The rodent droppings and insect parts are flown in fresh from
Paris.
* I thought the wiener that cost the most money was Tiger Woods'.
**************************************************************
Thursday, January 26, 2012
The Big Bang Theory
- Last Thursday around 4 a.m. in Panama City, Florida, a
15-year-old girl called 911 to complain to police because she
heard her mother having sex. The mother said she and her boyfriend
didn't intend to wake her daughter up, but their bedrooms are
right next to each other. The daughter admitted she had suffered
no abuse or neglect, but claimed she "felt disrespected" by having
to hear her mother having sex. She requested to be placed in a
shelter. But after talking to a representative from the shelter,
she decided that since it "was almost time for school," she'd just
stay where she was.
* She discovered that in the shelter, everybody was having sex at 4 a.m.
* If she missed school, she'd miss study hall, and that's when she
has sex with her boyfriend.
* On the bright side, they just got offered their own MTV reality
show.
* I can't believe it's not considered abuse to make a teenager
think about her mom having sex.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Honey, I've Found Our Vacation
Spot! - The Huffington Post reports that the owners of
the Mustang Ranch Resort near Reno, Nevada, are building what they
call "the Ritz-Carlton of brothels," the "classiest brothel in the
world." Co-owner Lance Gilman says, "We're selling luxury and
fantasy, not just sex." It will feature a cabaret with live
entertainment, a full spa and 10 deluxe suites, and the owners
expect to earn 40 percent of their revenue from goods and services
unrelated to prostitution. Also unusual, staying there is free,
but guests have to pay one of the women to accompany them at all
times, even if they bring a significant other with them. Gilman
says most brothels are just trailer parks where there's nothing to
do but have sex. But he says the Mustang Ranch Resort was inspired
by Walt Disney, who took his kids to a shabby carnival and was
inspired to create Disneyland.
* If he'd ever visited a trailer park brothel, imagine what
Fantasyland would be like!
* It's like a Disney resort, only none of the girls there is Snow
White.
* They call it "the Ritz-Carlton of brothels" because there's
already a whore Hilton.
* The room is free, but condoms cost $500 each.
* You come for the fancy amenities, but you end up getting
screwed...How is that different from any other casino hotel in
Reno?
**************************************************************
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
That's How All Men Pack -
Authorities at the Los Angeles Airport stopped a 40-year-old
Korean man and searched his two carry-on bags. They contained one
pair of socks, some underwear, and several sealed pouches
containing a white, powdery substance. He claimed it was an Asian
herb, but it was actually a drug used to treat erectile
dysfunction. He was carrying 63 pounds worth, valued at $179,000.
A Customs spokesman said he could face imprisonment and a stiff
fine.
* And then, he giggled uncontrollably.
* He'll face a stiff fine unless he gets a soft judge.
* He's seen a lot of American movies, so he assumed the women in
L.A were really easy.
* He was going to be in L.A. for a week, so he just packed the
essentials.
**************************************************************
Monday, January 23, 2012
Those Are Large Figures,
But Probably Padded - Sweden's Commercial Employees'
Union has filed a discrimination lawsuit against the Change
lingerie store in Gothenburg for allegedly making a female clerk
wear a name that listed her bra size. They're seeking $43,410 for
the clerk and $14,443 to the union. The store claims the bra size
nametag policy is strictly voluntary. But the woman claims she was
forced to comply and that it was offensive and discomforting
because "for her, bust size is deeply personal."
* It weighs on her heavily.
* Which is why she works in a lingerie store, asking every
customer her bust size.
* They could at least let her wear a blouse.
* Would she prefer that we just stare and try to guess? Because
I'm cool with that.
* It's bad enough that her name is Chesty McBooberson.
* At least at Lane Bryant, they don't make you put your weight on
your nametag.
**************************************************************
Friday, January 20, 2012
Occupy The Acropolis
- The credit rating agency Fitch said Tuesday that despite all the
efforts to bail it out, Greece is insolvent, and they expect it to
default on its debt soon. But they said they expect the default to
be an "orderly" process. Meanwhile, to the horror of
preservationists, Greece's culture ministry said that for the
first time, they'll try to raise cash by offering Greece's ancient
ruins for rent. They've always rejected most requests from
filmmakers and advertisers, but now, demonstrators or fashion
photographers could rent the Acropolis for as little as $2,046 a
day.
* $2,046 a day for an old, crumbling ruin? It's like renting a New
York apartment!
* China told them, "Hold on! We own
that!"
* Luckily, Greeks are famous for taking bad financial news in an
orderly fashion.
* Italy needs money, too, so the NFL offered to rent the Coliseum
and let Tim Tebow face the Lions there.
**************************************************************
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Current Resale Value: Zero
- South Korean customs officials say they've arrested eight men in
a scheme to smuggle $260,000 in gold bars out of the country by
hiding it in their rectums. The men were allegedly trying to avoid
import taxes, so they transformed the gold bars into small gold
beads and hid them up their rear ends. But Japanese customs
officials caught them, fined them and sent them home.
* "The end."
* They tried to claim that they just naturally crap gold, but
Oprah is the only person who can do that.
* Ironically, they were trying to avoid getting an anal exam from
the tax agents.
* They could've swallowed the gold, but they just really liked
having gold beads up their rectums.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Underground Economy - Police
in Manchester, England, discovered that a band of thieves had
spent up to six months digging a tunnel to steal an ATM. They had
tunneled for over 100 feet underneath a parking lot and into a
Blockbuster video store, building a tunnel outfitted with lighting
and roof supports, then had to cut through more than 15 inches of
concrete to get to the ATM. But they should've put a little
thought into the timing: they stole the ATM overnight on a Monday,
after people had been withdrawing money from it all weekend. It
would normally hold up to $30,000, but there was only about $9,000
in it, so for all those months of tunneling, they probably made
far less than minimum wage.
* On the bright side, they created more shovel-ready jobs than
Obama.
* Still, it kept them off the streets for months.
* You could tell they were stupid because they actually thought
there'd be money in Blockbuster Video.
* At least if they end up in a jail cell, it will seem pretty
roomy to them.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Coming To Target: Cubic
Zirconia Business Cards! - Black Astrum, a company that
specializes in diamond-based design, is offering the ultimate
status symbol: a $1500 business card. Each card is fabricated in
Switzerland from a precision cast acrylic, encrusted with a full
carat's worth of diamonds, and coated to be scratch- and
chemical-resistant and maintain its shine. But if you want to
impress people with your $1500 business card, be warned: the
company deals only with "ultra-high net worth individuals across
Europe, the Middle East and Asia," and accepts customers by
invitation only. Also, you have to buy the cards in boxes of 30.
* If I could afford that, why would I even need to do business
with anyone else?
* They're very popular with plumbers.
* What better way to tell potential investors, "I enjoy throwing
away money!"
* Newt Gingrich claims that Mitt Romney uses these.
* That would be kind of depressing, to have a business card on my
refrigerator that's worth more than my refrigerator.
**************************************************************
Monday, January 16, 2012
They'll Have To Eat That
Debt - Hostess has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy
reorganization, citing debts of over $860 million. Part of their
problem is that most of their competitors such are non-union,
while 80 percent of Hostess workers belong to one of two different
unions. They not only have to pay for benefits, but conflicting
union rules have made their business practices confusing and
inefficient. For instance, separate workers have to load the
trucks and unload them at stores, and they have to use separate
trucks to deliver either bread or cake products. Despite the
bankruptcy, they promised that America's Twinkie supply will not
be interrupted.
* President Obama will make sure of that, after Oprah ordered him
to.
* They'll keep the Twinkies coming even if they have to take
drastic action, like shipping them on a bread truck.
* Their labor contracts were actually written by Ding-Dongs.
* Actually, the people who make the Twinkie filling belong to the
Chemists' Union.
* That's why Keebler hires elves: they're so tiny, their unions
are easy to bust.
**************************************************************
Friday, January 13, 2012
"Good Luck With Your
Penis" - The Journal of Sexual Medicine reports on a
little-known drawback to penis tattoos. A 21-year-old man in
Kermanshah, Iran, got the phrase "borow be salaamat" ("good luck
with your journeys") and his girlfriend's initial M tattooed on
his penis. He was in pain for eight days, and when that went away,
he got an erection that wouldn't go down. Apparently, the tattoo
needle had gone too deep and created a connection between a vein
and an artery. A shunt to drain excess blood didn't help. The
patient declined further surgery and said he'll live with the
condition. The report says that despite his permanent erection,
the man has no regrets about getting his penis tattoo.
* "Despite," or "because of"?
* In fact, now he's got room to fill out his girlfriend's entire
name!
* Well, one regret: if he'd known this was going to happen, he
would've gone with the barber pole design.
* He'll have no regrets, as long as he's always dating a woman
whose name starts with M or W.
**************************************************************
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Fox News East -
The famously reliable North Korean state media are working
overtime to provide accurate coverage of the transfer of power to
Kim Jong-Un. So far, they've informed the people that Kim could
drive at age 3 and drive rally-style with laser-like precision at
85 mph by age 8; that he was so engrossed in studying military
strategy at 16 that he slept only three hours a night and skipped
meals; and that he is a "genius of geniuses" in military affairs,
even though he has no military experience. Meanwhile, the loss of
his dictator father, Kim Jong-Il - who shot 11 holes-in-one in his
first golf game and never had to defecate in his whole life - has
caused so much grief that a family of bears that would normally be
hibernating now were spotted along a roadside, "crying woefully."
* Actually, they were crying because even if you live in a cave,
you can't escape the state-run media.
* Kim Jong-Il didn't have to defecate because his state run media
dispensed crap for him.
* I'm assuming from looking at Kim Jong-Un that he hasn't had to
skip any meals lately.
* Actually, it turns out that Kim Jong-Il died from chronic
constipation.
* These are the same stories MSNBC told about Obama in 2008.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The Devil Made Them Do It
- "The Devil Inside," the ultra-low budget mock documentary about
exorcism, was expected to gross $15 million over the weekend.
Instead, it topped the box office with a staggering $34.5 million,
despite reviews complaining that it was boring, pointless, badly
shot on shaky, handheld video cameras, and it didn't even have an
ending.
* Well, now they can afford to shoot one.
* It had a happy ending for producers, who can now afford to buy
many happy endings.
* The movie producers must've made a deal with the devil. But
then, don’t they all?
* Usually, a movie that bad doesn't make that kind of money unless
it has sparkly vampires.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
My Attorney, Mr. Katz...
- A New York federal judge ruled that Clorox Pet Products
made advertising claims that were "literally false" in a
commercial for Fresh Step cat litter. The ad tried to prove Fresh
Step's superiority to a competitor by showing a smell test
involving samples of used kitty litter sealed in jars. The judge
ordered them to stop airing the ad, saying he found it "highly
implausible" that 11 panelists would "stick their noses in jars of
(cat) excrement and report 44 independent times that they smelled
nothing unpleasant." Clorox said they're disappointed in the
ruling and still defend the ad's truthfulness.
* They claim it was no more dishonest than most political ads, and
didn't stink nearly as much.
* The panelists smelled nothing unpleasant...Then again, they all
have at least 20 cats at home.
* I find it highly implausible that they could even find 11
panelists who'd be willing to stick their noses into a jar of cat
excrement.
**************************************************************
Monday, January 9, 2012
Where's His Speedo?! - La
Redoute, one of France's top mail order retailers, apologized
yesterday after web users noticed that in a photo of four young
children on the beach in the kids' clothing section, there was a
naked man walking in the surf behind them. Apparently, through all
the levels of editing, nobody had noticed him. But because of
high-resolution photos and their website's magnifying glass
function, the naked bather quickly became an Internet celebrity.
Thanks to PhotoShop, he's popped up behind French President
Nicolas Sarkozy, on the moon behind Neil Armstrong, and fighting a
light saber duel with Darth Vader.
* Only that's not a
light saber he's swinging.
* The man was embarrassed, but only because this story contains
the phrase "magnifying glass."
* Nobody noticed him...Well, actually, they did, but come on, this
is France.
* Actually, the photo of him with Sarkozy is real: the naked guy
behind all the kids was Roman Polanski.
**************************************************************
Friday, January 6, 2012
Don't Try This With Underwear -
Melbourne University researcher Tullia Jack found 30 volunteers
who agreed to wear the same pair of jeans five days a week for
three months without washing them, as a challenge to our culture
of "extreme clean." She claims that you don't need to wash your
clothes as often as you think, that stains "come and go, they just
wear off," and that not laundering the jeans helped the
environment by saving electricity, water and soap. After three
months, she says about half the subjects wanted to keep wearing
and not washing the jeans. She also claims the jeans didn't stink,
they just smelled "like people." She plans to prove it by putting
them on display and letting the public sniff them.
* No, that's okay, I believe you!
* They smell like people...Homeless people.
* The half who wanted to keep wearing and not washing the jeans
were the men...They'd do that anyway.
* Isn't this what all university students do?
* Don't even ask about her experiment in saving toilet paper.
**************************************************************
Thursday, January 5, 2012
How To Occupy The
Unemployment Office - Columbia University announced that
next semester, they'll offer a class that will send upperclassmen
and grad students to "Occupy Wall Street" protests. It's taught by
Dr. Hannah Appel, an "OWS" proponent, and students will be
required to become involved with the movement outside the class.
The course will be called "Occupy The Field: Global Finance,
Inequality, Social Movement," and count toward a degree in
Anthropology.
* You know, the useless degree all those protesters have that kept
them from ever finding jobs.
* That will qualify them to work behind the counter at
"Anthropologie" stores.
* If you don't want to end up protesting your own unemployment,
maybe you should just take "Global Finance."
* What will they learn, how to sit around complaining, smoking
dope and not bathing? They're college students; that's what they
do already!
* Take enough courses like this, and you'll spend the next 30
years occupying your mom's basement.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
"Who Is 'Arthur
Fonzarelli?!'" - In Rome, Italy, a 99-year-old man has
filed for divorce from his 96-year-old wife after 77 years of
marriage, accusing her of cheating on him. The couple have five
children, 12 grandchildren and one great-grandchild. Recently, the
man happened across some letters she sent to a former lover with
whom she allegedly had an affair in the late 1950s, over half a
century ago. The ANSA news agency reports that the wife has taken
no steps to contest the divorce.
* Frankly, she can't wait to get back to the hot sex.
* In fact, she's taken no steps, period...He hid her walker.
* Five children, 12 grandchildren and one great-grandchild...and
not one of them looks
like him
* That was so long ago, she was in her forties and the entire
planet was in its 'fifties.
**************************************************************
Friday, December 23, 2011
It's The Thought That Counts -
A survey of 1700 Australian men by the cheaters' website
AshleyMadison.com found that this year, they will spend up to $500
on Christmas gifts to their mistresses, which is double what they
are spending on their wives. Mistresses are most likely to get
diamonds, while wives can look forward to gifts of household
items. Nearly a quarter of cheating men plan to sneak out and see
their mistresses on Christmas Day. And while 90 percent buy their
mistresses' gifts with cash, 7 percent are brazen enough to use
their joint bank accounts. A spokesman for AshleyMadison.com said
it's not surprising that January is the peak month for divorces in
Australia.
* Also murders.
* That's when their wives get the Visa bill from Zales, and their
gift was a vacuum cleaner.
* Three-quarters of men don't see their mistresses on Christmas
Day, hence the diamonds.
* The lesson for women: never get married, just be a mistress.
* Men have to give their mistresses big gifts to make up for the
small packages.
**************************************************************
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Reindeer Game - The
upscale British story Harvey Nichols is offering one of the worst
Christmas gourmet treats every: canned reindeer pate for $23 a
can. The label claims that it's "an indulgent Christmas treat"
that contains a "farm-raised relative of Rudolph." It sparked a
protest campaign by Vegetarians International Voice for Animals,
who demanded it be removed from shelves. It worked, sort of:
canned reindeer pate is no longer on shelves, but only because the
protests gave it so much publicity that it sold out. The good
news: since it's a seasonal product, stores say they won't restock
it before Christmas.
* They have to fill the shelves with bunny meat in time for
Easter.
* The only disgusting canned Christmas product they still have is
the canned Christmas music.
* It doesn't actually contain Rudolph because he's a genetic
mutation.
* It's not meat from Santa's reindeer, but it does make you fly to
the toilet.
* Ted Nugent plans to wait on the roof on Christmas Eve and bag
his own fresh.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Aren't They All? -
Next April in Florida, Carnival Cruise Lines will present the
world's first horror-themed cruise. It's called the "Tides of
Torture" cruise, and is billed as the first horror convention at
sea. It costs $699 a person. Passengers will get to cruise with
stars of films such as "Machete" and the "Halloween," "Hellraiser"
and "Friday the 13th" movies. The cruise will also feature horror
movie screenings, a "scream queen" contest and a "Dance of the
Dead."
* They already have those on all the retiree cruises.
* And the lounge entertainment: Kathie Lee Gifford!
* If I wanted to scream in horror on a cruise ship, I'd take a
Richard Simmons cruise.
* There are also evil chefs who force you to eat and eat until
your stomach explodes!... Oh wait, that's all cruise ships.
* If you want to combine horror with a cruise ship, rent "Boat
Trip."
**************************************************************
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Take My Art, Please - The
Art
Series hotel chain in Australia is displaying a $15,000 painting
by graffiti artist, Banksy, at one of their hotels in Melbourne.
And in keeping with the artist's guerrilla approach to art -
painting under cover of darkness and hiding his identity - guests
are encouraged to try to steal the painting. The rules are that
you can't steal or damage anything else; and you must be polite,
respectful, sophisticated and cool, because "art thieves are
always cool." Also, if they catch you trying to steal the
painting, you have to put it back. But if you manage to take it,
you get to keep it.
* Because they hate it.
* In other words, it's like everything else in your hotel room.
* It's the hotel towel of modern art.
* The graffiti that's on the wall behind it looks better than the
painting anyway.
**************************************************************
Monday,
December
19, 2011
No Happy Ending -
Police in Milwaukee report that they got a call from a 74-year-old
man complaining that two women had stolen $50 from him. Actually,
he said he gave them a $100 bill for "escort services," and they
gave him a $50 massage and promised to return the next morning
with $50 change, but never did. Police questioned one of the
female escorts named LaDonna, who turned out to be a 22-year-old
man in drag. They warned the victim against hiring escorts and
told him this is a matter for the civil courts.
* Or the Jerry Springer Show.
* He could sue LaDonna for false advertising.
* He obviously needs that money to put toward his cataract
surgery.
**************************************************************
Friday, December 16, 2011
And The Five Gold Rings
Are Nipple Rings - Peckham's delicatessen in Edinburgh,
Scotland, has sparked controversy with its holiday window display
that puts a surreal twist on "The 12 Days of Christmas." It was
created by an artist hired by the Hendrick's gin company. The
partridge sits in a cucumber plant, which is an ingredient in
Hendrick's gin. The three French hens are represented by three
live giant snails with painted shells. And most controversial, the
eight maids-a-milking are represented by eight photos of women
breast-feeding lambs. Some customers call it tasteless and
confusing, but a Hendrick's spokesman says the original carol is
confusing anyway, and if your true love had given you a partridge
and doves and 10 lords a-leaping, you'd be dreading the next day
and think "your true love is a bit weird."
* Then when the 11 pipers piping arrived, you'd dump him.
* But if you gave you eight women breast-feeding lambs, you'd
change your name and disappear.
* At least he didn't send you anything with eye stalks and a slime
trail.
* Maybe your true love just went Christmas shopping after drinking
a bottle of Hendrick's gin.
* The artist's "Eight Days of Hanukkah" display was much more
realistic...Nothing but socks and underwear.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
December 15, 2011
And The Beast With Two
Backs! - We always hear that species are constantly
going extinct. But Monday, the environmental group WWF reported
that more than 200 previously-unknown species were discovered in
Southeast Asia's Greater Mekong region last year. They say the
area's diversity is so astonishing that scientists are finding a
new species about every two days. Among them are a wildly colored
gecko, a fish that looks like a gherkin, a lizard that reproduces
via cloning so there's no need for males, five species of
carnivorous plants that even eat rats and birds, and a monkey with
an Elvis-like pompadour hairdo that's been nicknamed the "Elvis
Monkey." The WWF said that even though they've just been
discovered, many are already facing extinction due to encroachment
on their habitat, poaching and "heading for the dinner table."
* The Elvis Monkeys keep eating fried foods until they die of
heart attacks.
* The Elvis Monkey is being hunted to extinction for its fur by
the Hair Club for men.
* They obviously ate all the male lizards.
* The gecko has been forced to survive by selling car insurance.
* So now we've found a gecko that looks like a rainbow, a fish
that looks like a pickle, and a monkey that looks like Elvis, but
we can't find a Republican who looks like a possible President.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
The Thick Blue Line -
22-year-old Timothy Randall Clark was arrested last week at a
Wal-Mart in Waldorf, Maryland, with $635 worth of video games and
accessories stuffed into his pants and sweatshirt. When security
spotted him and called for a cop, it didn't take long. He had
allegedly decided to shoplift during a national charity event for
needy kids called "Shop With A Cop" Day, and there were at least
50 police officers all around him in Walmart.
* Damn! There's never a cop not there when you don't need one!
* He misunderstood: he thought it was "Shoplift Till You Drop"
Day.
* After what happened on Black Friday, every day should be "Shop
With A Cop" Day.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
And Don't Hand A Baby An
Apple! - Last week, religious authorities in Saudi
Arabia warned against letting women drive because it would lead to
the end of virginity. Now, an unnamed Islamic cleric living in
Europe has advised that women not get close to bananas, cucumbers,
carrots, zucchini or similarly-shaped fruits and vegetables
because they "resemble the male penis" and could arouse women and
make them think "sexual thoughts." When asked what to do if women
in the family liked these foods, the cleric said a third party,
preferably a male relative, should cut the phallic items into
small pieces and serve.
* That's too bad because I bet women there would really enjoy
being able to cut phallic items into small pieces.
* They can handle baby carrots because those only remind them of
sex with their husbands.
* For some reason, Saudi women think of "the male penis" when they
see a green bean.
* Also, bananas and cucumbers give the Saudi men an inferiority
complex.
* The worst mortal sin in the Middle East would be a woman driving
herself to a green grocer.
**************************************************************
Monday, December 12, 2011
Yes, He's Tenured -
Long Island University Prof. George Giuliani has written a book
attacking a surprising target: the beloved TV special, "Rudolph
The Red-Nosed Reindeer." In "No More Bullies on the North Pole."
he argues that "Rudolph" promotes bullying by showing Rudolph
being ostracized for being different. The fact that his nose later
makes him a hero doesn't help: Giuliani says the special sends the
wrong message to children by implying that Rudolph's uniqueness
has to have a useful purpose for him to be accepted. Asked for a
second opinion, the head of a psychological services firm in
Pittsburgh said, "I think this guy has too much time on his
hands."
* In other words, his book serves no useful purpose.
* Well, of course he does: all of the other professors never let
him join all in all their psychologist games.
* This is the kind of theory you come up with after you've drunk
enough to get a shiny red nose.
* Whatever we do, we must NEVER
let this guy see "A Charlie Brown Christmas!"
**************************************************************
Friday,
December 9, 2011
Isn't Michael Moore A Muppet? -
Some conservative commentators on Fox Business Network have
identified a new leftwing menace: the Muppets. "Follow The Money"
host Ed Bolling said the new Muppet movie has an "anti-corporate"
message because the villain is an oilman who wants to drill under
the Muppets' theater. Dan Gainor of the Media Research Center
agreed, saying the Muppets followed "Captain Planet" and Al Gore's
movie as the latest tool to indoctrinate children with the idea
that mankind is a virus on Mother Earth, and that this where the
"Occupy Wall Street" crowd came from.
* Well, they do carry a lot of viruses...
* They've patterned their entire lives around Oscar the Grouch,
who occupies somebody's garbage can.
* Hollywood actually toned it down: in the first draft, Sarah
Palin shot and roasted Miss Piggy.
* They forgot to mention that the Muppets all walk around with
some guy's hand up their bottoms, so they're obviously promoting
the gay agenda.
**************************************************************
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Art Drecko -
Great Britain's annual $37,000 (US) Turner Prize for Modern Art
has been awarded. The finalists included a Scottish artist who
filled a room with wadded-up paper, cellophane, soap and
deodorant; an artist whose paintings of his house included one
titled "Landscape With Dog(bleep) Bin;" and a video called "Floor"
that consists of nothing but some footage of a floorboard. But the
Turner Prize went to Martin Boyce, whose winning artwork,
"Perforated And Porous," was a collection of sculptures made of
industrial junk that suggested a park, with a centerpiece of a
bent, rusty garbage bin. Judges hailed it as "pioneering" and said
it displayed "a new sense of poetry," although one gallery visitor
said he thought it was an actual beat-up garbage can and nearly
threw some litter into it.
* Philistine!
* That would have ruined it! Or improved it. Hard to say,
really...
* There is something kind of poetic in that...
* When the judges realized that the art actually looked like what
it was supposed to be, they took the prize away.
* Know what would've improved the floorboard video? A laugh track.
* The painter had another artwork called "Piece of Crap," and it
actually was.
* I think I saw that wadded-up paper, cellophane, soap and
deodorant artwork on an episode of "Hoarders."
WEB LINK! Photos of the
winners: http://tinyurl.com/88qmeyy
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
December 7, 2011 (70th anniversary of Pearl Harbor)
At Least She Has A Career
- Father-of-three Titus Ncube of Bulawayo, Zimbabwe, was
staying in a hotel while having marital problems, so he called for
a prostitute to come up to his room. He was shocked he collapsed
to the floor when the hooker turned out to be his 20-year-old
daughter. Ncube said he'd apologized to his daughter and wife, and
is now in marriage counseling. His wife said she could have
divorced him long ago but didn't because she thought a divorce
might be too traumatic for their children.
* Obviously, keeping dad around insured that they grew up
well-adjusted.
* He should've suspected this would happen when he called up his
son's pimp service.
* He has three kids...Good thing he never got around to calling
the numbers for those two drug dealers he wanted to reach.
* He was too embarrassed to apologize to his daughter in person,
so he just left an apology on her nightstand.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
I Just Can't See It - Stevie
Wonder
told Ellen Degeneres that he's losing weight in preparation for
competing on "Dancing With The Stars." He would be the first blind
celebrity dancer, but not the first with a disability. Recent
winner JR Martinez had to relearn how to walk after an explosion
in Iraq, and Marlee Matlin came in 7th despite being deaf.
* And Rob Kardashian overcame being a Kardashian and having no
actual talent.
* Chaz Bono had to overcome both obesity and being a man without a
penis.
* And of course, a lot of people on that show have no sense of
taste.
* Stevie Wonder might be more qualified to be a judge on that
show.
* Stevie's losing weight by walking everywhere instead of driving.
**************************************************************
Monday,
December 5, 2011
Like My Habeas Corpus? -
The Miami New Times reports that strippers were being hired to
pose as paralegals, go into prisons for private visits with
accused drug lords, then get naked and let the guys touch them.
One was caught stripping on a prison security camera. Spokeswomen
for exotic dancer groups say it's hard to imagine anyone would
take the risk of arrest unless she were desperate for money. One
attorney said they're getting away with it by abusing the
paralegal system: "Any lawyer can sign a form and designate a
legal assistant," so strippers are being designated as paralegals
to rich drug defendants to smuggle in porn, cash and alcohol and
give them lap dances.
* They have no legal skills, just a lot of illegal skills.
* Knowing how to screw people doesn't make you a lawyer...You also
need a diploma.
* So it's true what we see on TV lawyer shows: Paralegals are HOT!
* I hate to see strippers tarnish their reputations by getting
mixed up with lawyers.
**************************************************************
Friday,
December 2, 2011
Pump It Up - Elvis
Costello's record label brought out a limited edition CD-book box
set on him that's priced at $225, but he advised fans not to buy
it. On his website, Elvis said the price "appears to be either a
misprint or a satire." He suggests instead buying a 10-disc Louis
Armstrong box set. He said it's under $150 and the music is
"vastly superior."
* This is why nobody honest is ever put in charge of marketing.
* Louis Armstrong's record label immediately raised the price to
$225.
* If Justin Bieber had his integrity, he would never have sold a
single CD.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
December 1, 2011
Is That Rudolph's Head On
The Wall? - For the second Christmas in a row, the
Scottsdale, Arizona, Gun Club is offering a unique holiday
memento: a photo with Santa and your choice of guns. Your family
members can pose with Santa holding your choice of anything from
pistols to assault rifles, grenade launchers, AK-47s or an $80,000
machine gun. Some media critics are appalled, but the Gun Club
says it's just good family fun for people who want to express
their holiday spirit and their passions for their hobby and the
Second Amendment. It's so popular that this year, they doubled the
price of the photos to $10.
* Nobody argues with them about handing over their money.
* Santa's loaded, and so is his gun.
* If Santa looks even fatter than usual, it might be the
bullet-proof vest.
* Santa has flying reindeer, so this combines the best parts of
deer hunting and duck hunting.
* Santa has a concealed carry permit...There's a Glock in his
beard.
* To be fair, Santa does go out late at night carrying a lot of
expensive merchandise into some pretty bad neighborhoods.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
November 30, 2011
Even More Embarrassing:
It Was A Pinkie Ring - London firefighters released a
report of 417 unusual emergency calls they've had to deal with.
They include people stuck in handcuffs, kids with toilet seats
stuck on their heads, a person whose fingers were stuck in a DVD
player, a man stuck in a child-size toy car, a youth wedged in an
ironing board, and 160 incidents of people who needed stuck rings
removed, including a man who showed up at Queen Elizabeth Hospital
with a ring stuck on his penis. It took 10 firefighters 20 minutes
to cut it off after doctors were unable to pry it off. A spokesman
urged the public to think carefully about whether it's really an
emergency before calling the emergency line.
* For instance, wait to see if your erection lasts four hours
before calling a doctor to remove your ring.
* I don't believe it requires any debate to decide that having a
ring stuck on your penis is an emergency.
* Sometimes, all it takes is a little lubricant...Of course, if
you're in handcuffs with a ring stuck on your penis, chances are
you've already tried that.
* That man showed up at Queen Elizabeth Hospital with a ring stuck
on his penis 57 times...And he was dressed as Queen Elizabeth.
* Did it really take 10 firefighters, or were most of them just
there to laugh?
**************************************************************
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Bring The Grinch In For
Questioning - Christmas shopping invaded Thanksgiving,
and now Christmas is getting invaded by another holiday. In
Chicago, someone stole up to $200,000 from the safe of the company
that ran the Dream Reapers Halloween haunted house in Melrose
Park. To try to recoup enough money to pay for next year, the
haunted house will reopen in December, in hopes that people will
want to take a break from all the cheery Christmas decorations to
be terrified.
* Wasn't the fear of getting trampled by crazed Black Friday
shoppers scary enough?
* Too late: after Thanksgiving with the relatives and Black
Friday, nothing scares me anymore.
* Personally, I find Frosty the Snowman terrifying enough.
**************************************************************
Monday, November 28, 2011
Para-Abnormal Activity-
73-year-old grandmother Doris Birch of Herne Bay, England, claims
she can't sleep because she keeps getting groped by a ghost. She
said the horny poltergeist is "like an octopus." It started four
months ago, when she was lying in bed and felt a creepy pair of
hands on her. She said she kicked frantically and it went away,
but it kept coming back. She even tried getting a new mattress, to
no avail. She said it's giving her the jitters and harassing her,
and "I need to call in the Ghostbusters." A local husband-and-wife
ghost hunting team say they'll come over, and the man will try to
draw the ghost into him so it can be captured in a "vortex of
light" and sent to the other side.
* He's just hoping that this particular ghost is bisexual.
* It must be the ghost of Ben Franklin...He liked the older women.
* He likes to grope 73-year-old women?...Have any TSA agents died
recently?
* They're hoping the ghost is Muslim so they can convince him
there are 72 virgins on the other side.
* She might've enjoyed it if his hands weren't SO cold!
* They believe it might be Casper, the overly-friendly ghost.
* Politico.com wants to know she's absolutely certain it wasn't
Herman Cain.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
November 23, 2011
Text Spelling Explained -
Noted sleep expert Dr. Marcus Schmidt tells MSNBC that he's seeing
a rising number of cases of "sleep texting." Sufferers grab their
cell phones and send text messages in their sleep. They don't
realize they've done it until the recipients ask why they sent
baffling texts at 3 a.m. One conservative young woman was shocked
to discover she was "sexting" and sending out naughty photos of
herself in her sleep. Schmidt said sleep deprivation can spark
common motor behaviors. Since people text so much now, they
unconsciously reach for the phone. He suggests getting the phone
out of the bedroom and as far away as possible.
* Your spouse will be happy about that, anyway.
* I'd be happy if people would just stop sleep-texting while
driving.
* He also suggests that if you do sleep-text naked photos of
yourself, that you send them to a noted sleep expert.
* This explains why people send pointless incoherent texts at 3
a.m. So, why do they send them the rest of the time?
**************************************************************
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Tyler Perry's Feeble-Ass
Excuse - Tyler Perry is trying to defend casting reality
and sex tape star Kim Kardashian in his upcoming movie, "The
Marriage Counselor." Facing rising criticism from fans of his
Christian message movies, Perry explained that he wanted a younger
cast to attract younger viewers, and Kim rounds that out. Also, he
said he thinks "it would be very responsible of her to be a part
of this film" and good for young people who see her as a role
model to "see her in a film that is about what happens in life
when you make the wrong choices."
* They know already: you get your own reality show, millions of
dollars, and a part in a Tyler Perry movie.
* She will inspire viewers by starting the movie in a big paper
bag and attempting to act her way out of it.
* Kim could round out any cast just by turning around.
* She almost turned down the role because of the nudity...There
wasn't any.
MUSIC LINK! Marilyn
Harris, a jazz singer/songwriter pal of ours, has a funny new tune
called "72 Days: The Kim Kardashian Blues." Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHmHw0OR_8Y
**************************************************************
Monday,
November, 21, 2011
He Has A Fool For A Client –
Last week in Lehigh County, Pennsylvania, Philome Cesar was
representing himself on charges of committing 25 robberies when he
asked one victim on the witness stand to describe what the robber
sounded like. He replied, "He sounded like you." Cesar paused,
startled, and the jury cracked up laughing. Moments later, he
asked another witness what the robber sounded like. She replied,
"He sounded exactly like you." She added that she was "1,000
percent sure" it was Cesar, not just because of his voice, but he
was wearing a "fishnet mask," so she could also see his face.
* Plus, he was wearing the fishnet mask in the courtroom.
* He'd heard robbers should wear stockings over their heads, and
fishnets are very "in" right now.
* He moved that her testimony be stricken because she was
obviously a hostile witness.
* If all cases were this entertaining, nobody would try to get out
of jury duty.
**************************************************************
Friday, November 18, 2011
Really Fake Fur -
PETA is now fighting for the rights of fictitious video game
animals. In the new game "Super Mario Brothers 3," the character
Mario wears a Tanooki suit, which is modeled after Japanese
raccoon dogs called tanuki. PETA claims that it's sending the
message that it's okay to wear fur, even though it's not fur, it's
just cartoon pixels. To try to shame Nintendo into changing the
game, PETA launched a website called "Mario Kills Tanooki," where
players control a skinless animal as it chases a Mario wearing a
blood-soaked Tanooki suit.
* Kids now think it's the coolest game on the Internet.
* Doesn't that send the message that animals can live without
their skin?
* The people at PETA think Donkey Kong is a real animal.
* Shouldn't PETA be spending their resources on something more
constructive, like paying for therapy for the Angry Birds?
**************************************************************
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I See A Big Musical
Number! - After receiving a torrent of outraged calls and
emails about their separation of two bonded male African penguins,
the Toronto Zoo announced that they will be reunited in the spring
after mating season with females is over. The zoo claims that
Buddy and Pedro have a "social" bond that's not necessarily
sexual. But when word came that they were being separated, they
became famous as the gay penguin couple. The story inspired the
phrase, "Brokeback Iceberg," and a call from someone claiming to
represent the Canadian Society for Gay Animals, a group whose
existence could not be verified.
* It's the group that dares not speak its name!
* Did they try calling the headquarters of Cirque du Soleil?
* Their spokesman is a lion named Snagglepuss.
* They're not really gay...They just hang out together, engage in
mating behavior together and both wear pink cummerbunds with their
tuxedos.
* Buddy and Pedro just wish they were free to go on fishing trips
together.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Age-Defying Makeup Sex -
If women want to look younger, they need to have sex more often.
Royal Edinburgh Hospital in Scotland discovered that women who
have sex at least four times a week were scored by others as
looking up to 10 years younger than their real ages. But most
women aren't taking advantage of this fountain-of-youth aspect of
sex. A survey by the group HealthyWomen found that only 42 percent
of women believe that sex is very or extremely important to their
overall health. Only 51 percent believe that having sex a few
times a week is considered healthy. And only 30 percent actually
do it. 66 percent say they do it once a week or less.
* They're too tired from taking care of the kids they had back
when they actually were having sex four times a week.
* The women having sex four or more times a week have a partner
who really is 10 years
younger than they are.
* Maybe they have so much sex because
they look 10 years younger than they are.
* I'd bet a week's salary that all the researchers backing this
theory are men.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
You've Gotta Break A Few Legs To
Make An Omelet - Manhattan lawyer Richard Katz has been a
member of the posh Setai Club and Spa Wall Street since 2009, and
he says they used to serve a wonderful breakfast, with everything
from omelets to yogurt. But last month, they closed the restaurant
and started serving a cold buffet. After a month of complaints,
the club let him quit and gave him a prorated refund of his $5,000
annual dues. But Katz told them, "It's just not that easy." He's
suing them for $730,000. That's $230,000 in damages for the
breakfast and $500,000 for a libelous comment allegedly made by a
spa worker.
* She accused him of taking breakfast too seriously.
* Whatever she called him, she could probably get a jury to agree
with her.
* They should've expected this from his law firm's motto: "We sue
people over breakfast."
* He has a point: I'll bet that never seeing him again is worth
$730,000.
**************************************************************
Monday, November 14, 2011
Gruesome Threesome -
22-year-old Jorge Daniel Silva of Naples, Florida, is apparently
unclear on how a threesome works. Police say Silva convinced his
wife and another woman to join in. But his wife says that when she
began kissing the other woman, he "freaked out" and became
consumed with jealousy and started hitting his wife. The women ran
to the bedroom and locked the door. Convinced that they were
having sex without him, Silva allegedly broke down the door, swung
a TV set at his wife like a bat, dropped it on her, then threw a
second TV at her. He also punched the other woman when she tried
to intercede. He's facing felony charges. Police believe alcohol
was a factor. They note that it was Silva's first threesome.
* Maybe he'll get the hang of it in jail.
* He got his idea of how threesomes work by watching Three Stooges
movies.
* His wife and the other woman are now a twosome.
* He'll be spending a lot of lonely nights in front of the TV...Oh
wait, no he won't.
* If he wanted to spice up his sex life, maybe he should've
started slowly by just removing the TWO TV sets from his bedroom.
**************************************************************
Friday, November 11, 2011 - Happy
Veterans' Day!
What Got Stroked?
- The Daily Mail reports that 26-year-old Chris Birch of Ystrad
Mynach, Wales, was a burly, 266-pound rugby player and skinhead
type who was engaged to his girlfriend when he attempted a
backflip in the field. He fell, broke his neck and suffered a
stroke. Days later, he awoke in the hospital to discover he'd lost
all interest in women and sports, and was now gay. Birch claims
he'd never had any gay tendencies or friends before the accident.
He's since quit his bank job, retrained to become a hairdresser,
bleached his hair, hit the gym, lost 112 pounds and is living with
a 19-year-old boyfriend. Birch says a neurologist told him the
stroke might have caused it by opening up a different part of his
brain.
* ...Around in the rear.
* Either that or while he was lying unconscious, someone left the
hospital room TV on "Glee."
* He's praying this makes him famous enough to be on "Dancing With
The Stars."
* An even stranger side-effect: he can now read Welsh street
signs.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
November 10, 2011
Redefining "Edible" -
University of Washington anthropology graduate student David Giles
is Dumpster-diving as part of his masters thesis, which he plans
to turn into a book. Giles wants to bring awareness to how much
edible food people throw away just because keeping it isn't
profitable, and encourage them to give it to the hungry instead.
He says, "The first thing that hits you in the face is how good
the stuff in the Dumpster is." He says he's cut his own food bill
down to $100 a month by eating food found in the Dumpster.
* He could get it down to zero, but he hates having to fight with
the rats.
* Since he's majoring in anthropology, it bodes well that he
enjoys eating out of Dumpsters.
* When you think about it, aren't all degrees in anthropology really degrees in
Dumpster-diving?
**************************************************************
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Next Year, He'll Be
"Passe" - British soccer player Gabriel Zakuani may have
stumbled on the trendiest celebrity baby name of all time.
Inspired by the "trending topics" feature on Twitter, he just
named his baby son "Trendy." He says Trendy "suits him" and he's
sure it will grow on people.
* Like a fungus.
* But by then, all the kids will be named Trendy.
* His first name is "Literally"...He's "Literally Trendy Zakuani."
* He's Trendy now, but when he grows up, he'll be Stabby.
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
November 8, 2011
Also, No More Nudity At
Board Meetings - In San Francisco, people are legally
allowed to walk around naked in public, but not everyone is happy
with every aspect of that. Last week, the Board of Supervisors
voted unanimously to put limits on the naked people. The new
ordinance bans nudity in restaurants and requires anyone with nude
buttocks to put down a cover on benches or other public seats
before sitting down. The board still has to give it final
approval, but Supervisor Scott Wiener, who represents the Castro
neighborhood where nudists often gather, said that public
sanitation concerns are a "tangible issue" in his district.
* So tangible I don't even want to think about it.
* You'd think it wouldn't be necessary to tell naked people to put
down a towel before they sit on a bus seat.
* They said it's a health issue: they're just trying to protect
the nudists from splinters.
* It's about time someone put a leash on those naked
people...although many of them are used to that.
* This will enable the city to slash millions of dollars from its
power-washing budget.
**************************************************************
Monday, November 7, 2011
Where Imelda Marcos Wants
To Be Buried - Macy's in New York's Herald Square is
undergoing a $400 million renovation that will create the world's
largest shoe department. It will offer 39,000 square feet of
"fashion and luxury footwear," encompassing up to 300,000 pairs of
shoes.
* Or as women call it, "Orgasm Mart."
* Men will have to sit around waiting while women try on all of
them.
* It's an exact replica of Melania Trump's closet.
* Until it opens, women have formed a movement called "Occupy
Herald Square."
**************************************************************
Friday,
November 4, 2011
That's Not Ectoplasm On The Sofa
- A photo taken in Euclid, Ohio, may have revealed a
whole new aspect of the afterlife. Dianne Carlisle said her
4-year-old granddaughter was playing with her cell phone and
inadvertently took a photo that appears to show two ghostly
apparitions having sex in her living room. Carlisle said she's had
previous encounters with ghosts in her house, but "I never seen
anything like this. I mean, ghosts still have feelings? They're
having sex?"
* A lot of men who are still living would verify that you don't
need feelings to have sex.
* That would explain all the late-night moaning.
* Sex can go on even after you're dead inside, which is like a lot
of marriages.
* Turns out Casper is even friendlier than we thought.
* It's not real sex, it's just cadavers going through the motions
of having sex...So it's like British sex.
* Not only are ghosts having sex, but somewhere, their
skeletons are boning.
WEB LINK! Video with the photo here:
http://tinyurl.com/5wwfa3u
**************************************************************
Thursday,
November 3, 2011
She'll Spend It All On
Bulky Sweaters With Vertical Stripes - Saturday night in
Atlantic City, a woman won the grand prize of $25,000 worth of
plastic surgery in the Trump Taj Mahal Casino's Nip and Tuck
Sweepstakes. But she opted to take it in cash instead and not to
make her name public.
* Just in case she ever wants to accuse Herman Cain of sexual
harassment.
* So we'll just refer to her as "the ugly chick."
* Unfortunately, she didn't get to meet Donald Trump, since he
won't be in the same room with any woman who hasn't had $25,000
worth of plastic surgery.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
November 2, 2011
He's Off Her List -
Police in Colorado Springs, Colorado, report that Keith Gaylor was
planning to entertain a woman he'd met through the CraigsList
dating ads at his home when his girlfriend came home unexpectedly.
When his date knocked on the door at 3 a.m. as instructed, Gaylor
panicked. He allegedly called 911 and told police that a female
burglar with a gun was trying to break down his door. Five
officers arrived and hauled her away. But after talking to her,
they decided there was "more to the story than meets the eye."
They released her and gave Gaylor a misdemeanor citation for
making a false police report.
* Although he begged them to put him into protective custody.
* Know what else CraigsList is good for? Finding a new boyfriend.
* His girlfriend's date must've ended early.
* Here's a tip: Never try to have an affair when you're that bad
at making up lies.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
A Monopoly On Booze
- Laura Chavez of Santa Fe, New Mexico, allegedly admitted hitting
her boyfriend, Clyde "Butch" Smith, over the head with a glass
bottle and then stabbing him repeatedly because they were playing
Monopoly and she thought he was cheating. Police said they both
appeared drunk, and when asked the blood all over Smith was his,
she relied, "Yes, I f---ed him up." He's in stable condition. She
went directly to jail on a variety of charges.
* She did not collect $200, although she could've used it for
bail.
* The only thing he had to protect his head was a little metal top
hat.
* This sounds like the kind of thing that happens down on Baltic
Avenue.
**************************************************************
Monday, October 31, 2011 - Happy Halloween!
They'll Smell You Coming
- The city of Burton-on-Trent, England, is surrounded by hops
fields that make it smell like beer, and people sometimes remark
on the bad odor. But it gave local businesswoman Victoria Brookes
an idea for a new designer scent. She's created a civic pride
perfume called "Eau-de-Burton." The fragrance is a combination of
beer, leather (to represent local sports teams), pickles (because
Branston pickles were invented there) and Marmite, the traditional
salty, yeasty British sandwich spread whose slogan is "Love it or
hate it." Brookes admits that you wouldn't think a perfume that
combines Marmite, pickles, leather and beer would smell good, but
it's getting lots of compliments.
* Mostly from hungry beer-drinkers.
* It's like English Leather, only a lot more English.
* When you wear it, you're making a statement: "Love me or hate
me."
* Why would anyone buy this when all the people in Burton smell
like this already?
**************************************************************
Friday, October 28, 2011
News From Bizarro World - Researchers
at the Hospital Magalhaes Lemos in Portugal say it's not just men
who are plagued by the problem of finishing too early during sex.
A survey of Portuguese women found that 40 percent occasionally
reach orgasm sooner than they intended, and for about 3 percent,
it's a chronic problem. The study leader said that while this is
seldom discussed, "Female premature orgasm is more than
bothersome. We think it's as serious a distress as it is in men."
* Which tells us these researchers are not women.
* Especially when she immediately rolls over and falls asleep.
* It wouldn't be so bad if they'd at least wait until the man is
in the room.
* Some women reach orgasm in just 30 seconds, or as men call that,
a simultaneous climax.
**************************************************************
Thursday, October 27, 2011
We Know What You Are,
We're Just Dickering Over The Price - TMZ.com reports
that Lindsay Lohan has agreed to pose full frontal nude for
Playboy. TMZ says that Playboy offered her $750,000 months ago,
she demanded $1 million, and Playboy refused. But they came back
with an offer close enough to convince her to take it. She
reportedly started doing the shoot last weekend, which means she
was alternating doing community service in the morgue with posing
for nude photos.
* In both places, people were taking photos of a deathly white,
naked body.
* Lindsay actually enjoyed taking off her clothes for once without
it being the prelude to a body cavity search.
* This could be the first photo shoot Lindsay's ever done where
she can't steal the wardrobe.
* She'll take her clothes off for $1 million...For another million
dollars, she'll set the bottle down.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Frog In A Blender - Ward Clark of Pajamas Media reports
that vegans who think they're preventing animal suffering by
eating vegetables are kidding themselves. Clark says that between
the mice, birds and rabbits killed by pesticides and traps, and
the rodents and frogs cuisinarted by threshers, growing vegetables
kills far more vertebrates than hunting. For instance, killing one
deer can yield 120 pounds of meat, but harvesting 120 pounds of
rice can kill tens of thousands of rodents, insects, reptiles and
amphibians.
* Yeah, but not Bambi's Mother!
* To the animal world, Uncle Ben is Hitler.
* If you really cared about living creatures, you'd eat nothing
but gravel.
* The good news: you've got one more excuse not to eat your
vegetables.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Rappers Will Do Hard Time
- Congress is considering a proposed new copyright law
pushed by the music industry that would make public performance of
copyrighted songs without permission a criminal offense. To
protest how far overboard that is, some opponents launched a
website called FreeBieber.org. Since Justin Bieber came to fame by
performing other people's songs on YouTube, they say this law
would have made that a felony. The site features Photoshopped
pictures of Bieber spending five years in prison, wearing an
orange jumpsuit, getting a teardrop tattoo and having prison
visits from Selena Gomez.
* But Justin's cellmate tells her to forget it, he's taken.
* They're right; this law is crazy. It should be a death penalty
offense.
* Do they realize that they're making this law sound pretty darn
good?
**************************************************************
Monday, October 24, 2011
There Will Be Blood -
Witches and zombies are at each others' throats in Salem,
Massachusetts. For the second time in three days, police had to be
called to a mall where two Halloween attractions, the Nightmare
Factory and the Witch Mansion, are competing for visitors. One
time, Nightmare Factory zombies claimed that one of the witches
was deliberately bumping into them. The other time, witches
complained that the zombies were shouting, "Witch Mansion sucks!"
They claimed they were shouting, "White Sox," so apparently,
they're Chicago zombies. Frustrated police officers said they'll
be glad when November gets here.
* In fact, they'll be...giving thanks.
* If there was some way they could give these zombies some brains,
trust me, they would.
* The cops didn't believe the zombies were White Sox fans...If
they really were dead men walking, they'd be Cubs fans.
* The cops agreed it was the stupidest argument they'd seen up
until Mitt Romney and Rick Perry.
**************************************************************
Friday, October 21, 2011
No Sext, Please, We're
British - A poll of over 2,000 British adults by
Computeractive magazine found that they think the most annoying
tech-related word to enter the dictionary in the past year is
"sexting." "Sexting" was given the magazine's annual "Unspeakable
Award" over such other top contenders as "defriend,"
"Twittersphere" and "intexticated." The editor said that while
there's no argument those words are all unspeakable, any word like
"sexting" that can be voted as more horrible than "intexticated"
deserves an award.
* Someone must've been intoxicated when he invented
"intexticated."
* If someone uses the word "intexticated," you should defriend him
immediately .
* If you sext when you're intoxicated, does that make you
insexticated?
**************************************************************
Thursday, October 20, 2011
The Internet Is For Porn
- Sunday afternoon, visitors to "Sesame Street's" YouTube Channel
were greeted with a message saying it had been shut down "due to
repeated or severe violations of our community guidelines."
Someone had hacked into the site and replaced the Muppets with
explicit porn videos. By Monday, the channel was restored, and
"Sesame Street" issued a statement saying that Big Bird, Cookie
Monster, Oscar the Grouch and "the rest of the fuzzy, feathered,
and googly-eyed friends you remember from childhood" were back.
* Well, not Miss Piggy...She was off doing some things with Kermit
that had never occurred to her before.
* There's also a new character: French Tickler Elmo.
* Oscar the Grouch kinda liked it, but then, he's used to sleeping
with trash.
* On Saturday, "Sesame Street" was brought to you by the letters,
"X,X,X."
* The Count was counting fake orgasms, until he actually lost
count.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Another Expensive Halloween
Decoration - Artist Leon Reid IV told the New York Post
that he hopes to decorate the Brooklyn Bridge with a giant vinyl
spider, 30 by 15 feet and filled with helium. It would be
displayed in October of 2014. Reid calls the project "A Spider
Lurks In Brooklyn." He said he wants to draw parallels between the
architecture of humankind and spiders, and he thought it would be
"cool" if a giant spider were crawling over the bridge, because it
would make it seem as if the spider wove the cables Two problems:
he doesn't have city approval yet and he needs to raise $800,000
to make the giant inflatable spider.
* Obama put it in his jobs bill, but that's stalled in Congress.
* Has he considered approaching Macy's? After the art exhibit's
over, they could put it in the Thanksgiving Day parade.
* Doesn't New York City already have enough genuine oversized
vermin?
* I know how he could get funding and show the similarities
between spiders and humans in architecture: just name it "the
Trump Spider."
**************************************************************
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
They've Seen "Last Tango"
Too Many Times - The editors of Maxim magazine seem to
believe that the way to a man's crotch is through his stomach.
They just named 64-year-old butter queen Paula Deen as the Number
1 hottest female TV chef, over such sexy foodie babes as Padma
Lakshmi and Gianda DeLaurentiis. Maxim's editors say that while
some consider Deen's high-caloric fare "dangerous," they find it
to be a turn-on. They say just thinking about her makes them
hungry for a "bacon-wrapped, beer-batter fried stick of butter."
To show their devotion, they even ran a photo of a stick of butter
instead of a photo of Deen.
* That turns them on a lot more.
* Pretty much the same thing.
* Paula's food has a way of going right to a man's heart, and
stopping it.
* Paula Deen's "Better Than Sex" cake really IS better than sex
with Paula Deen.
* These guys would have multiple orgasms if they ever visited the
State Fair of Texas.
**************************************************************
Monday,
October 17, 2011
Take Out A Bridge Loan - Officials in Monroe, Louisiana,
have just discovered a problem with their new airport terminal
that's sparked jokes about the government building more "bridges
to nowhere." The $36 million cost of the terminal was partly
covered with $7 million from the FAA's airport improvement program
and $10 million from Obama's stimulus bill. Only after it was
finished did they discover that some of the passenger loading
bridges are several feet too short to reach the parked airplanes.
Until they figure out a fix, they say they'll have to "improvise"
in loading and unloading passengers.
* It all depends on how far passengers are willing to jump.
* On the bright side, that project created 200 construction
jobs...for unemployed anthropology majors.
* Obama wants to spend $10 million more installing skateboard
ramps at the end of the bridges.
* If only the Republicans had agreed to a bigger stimulus bill,
they could have afforded measuring tapes.
**************************************************************
Friday, October 14, 2011
Fabio Is Drab-io - A
OnePoll.com survey of 3,000 British women found that their ideal
man is "Mr. Average." A spokesman said they expected women would
pick a tall, young, rich jock with a sexy foreign accent. But they
were shocked when 58 percent of the women said their ideal man is
age 30 to 45, dark-haired, 5-foot-10, a good cook and has a
full-time job. A spokesman said the "boy next door" has made a
staggering comeback in popularity. Instead of a tall, sexy hunk,
women want dependability, domesticity, a little romance and humor
and average size, in terms of height.
* They wouldn't mind larger than average size in terms other than
height.
* These days, just having a full-time job makes you Mr. Above
Average.
* Is there a country where all the women are looking for "Mr.
Slightly Below Average?"
* Unfortunately for them, all the average-looking guys are looking
for Miss Universe contestants.
**************************************************************
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Disaster Movie -
TMZ.com reports that police in Budapest, Hungary, raided a
warehouse and confiscated 85 high-powered weapons, including
AK-47s and sniper rifles. They were going to be used as props in
Brad Pitt's upcoming zombie movie, "World War Z." Authorities said
some of the guns were loaded with live ammo and hadn't been
properly disabled. They called it "a disaster waiting to happen."
* Oh, so they've already read the script?
* Luckily, authorities confiscated the guns and sold them to
Mexican drug lords.
* So much for the director's plan to avoid paying the extras
* This movie is being made by people whose brains were already
eaten by zombies.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Ask Our Secret Source,
Deep Throat - The Association of Finnish Lawyers is
running a commercial in Finland that people aren't sure how to
interpret. It shows an attractive woman in an office eating a long
ice pop with great relish. As she licks and sucks it and pushes it
in and out of her mouth, moaning in pleasure, men in the office
notice, stop and stare transfixed. Then a caption appears asking,
"Is this sexual harassment?...We know the answer. Association of
Finnish Lawyers." It's sparked a debate as to which is supposed to
be the sexual harassment: the men staring or the woman eating her
ice pop? And is it possible to eat in a way that's so sexy it
could get you sued? *
The lawyers know the answer: ANYTHING can get you sued.
* More importantly, can you be sued for sexual harassment for
watching this ad at work? Because I plan to watch it about 200
times.
* You think that's sexual harassment? Boy, some people will
swallow anything.
* If you think this is bad, you should see the ad they
rejected...It featured a lesbian eating a taco.
VIDEO LINK! See it here:
http://tinyurl.com/43wghb4
**************************************************************
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Oh, Bag It! -
French officials are cracking down on the amount of ketchup
available in school cafeterias, to help keep the children
sufficiently French. They're worried that kids are opting for
American snacks over French food. Under new rules, schools can
serve ketchup and mayonnaise only with certain foods. For
instance, kids can have ketchup with French fries, but they can
only be served once a week. A spokesman for France's restaurant
association said children have a tendency to smother everything in
ketchup to mask the taste. He said, "We have to ensure the
children become familiar with French recipes so they can hand them
down to the following generation."
* Did he ever consider that being French, they don't want to hand down school
cafeteria recipes to a new generation?
* If you put ketchup on French fries, you cover up the Frenchy
part.
* You'd think that being French, they'd just give up.
* Here's a news flash: if you're going to get any kid to eat goose
liver and snails, you'd better drown it in ketchup
* They're also replacing the cafeteria's chocolate milk with a
good French Chardonnay.
**************************************************************
Monday,
October 10, 2011
Wasn't Disco Silenced
Around 1980? - The latest club fad to sweep Hollywood is
"silent disco." It started in England. The way it works is that
clubgoers are issued a pair of wireless headphones, so they can
all hear the same music being streamed by a DJ. But even though
they're dancing to pounding music in their ears, the room is
actually silent. So if you want to talk to your date, you don't
have to scream. You can both just take off your headphones.
* But nobody ever does.
* But you scream anyway because by then, you're deaf.
* But it's impossible to talk because you're laughing so hard at
all the idiots gyrating around in dead silence.
* For a joke, they give Lindsay Lohan headphones that are playing
Mozart.
**************************************************************
Friday, October 7, 2011
Cash Or Surgery? Suture Self - The
Trump Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey, is holding a
contest drawing at the end of October to win $25,000 worth of
plastic surgery. The contest has drawn criticism, but a
spokeswoman for Trump Entertainment said the winner can opt to
take the prize in case. Besides, they determined if you just had a
few procedures, it could easily reach $25,000.
* Ivana Trump spends that much every month.
* You could have several small procedures or get one humongous set
of boobs.
* Frankly, Donald Trump wouldn't even look twice at you if you
didn't have at least $100,000 worth.
* If Donald Trump offers you a free hair transplant, don't take
it.
* If a man wins, take the cash...It'll make you more attractive to
women than plastic surgery will.
**************************************************************
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Call David Copperfield -
Sunday, scientists at Radboud University Nijmegen in the
Netherlands announced that they had identified the molecular
mechanism by which anammox germs turn an ingredient in urine into
the rocket fuel hydrazine. They said NASA had been excited in the
1990s when it was discovered that a bacteria could turn urine into
rocket fuel, but they found that it created so little fuel that it
was "nothing like enough to get a rocket to Mars." They hope that
understanding how it does it will help ramp up the process so they
can create a lot more rocket fuel out of urine.
* Here's a suggestion: Start with Lindsay Lohan's urine.
* They hope to produce enough to fly a rocket to the planet
Urine-us.
* To make enough urine, they'll have to drink a lot of beer, but
they're willing to make that sacrifice for science.
* This is similar to the process that's used to make Cher's
perfume.
* It's not a new concept...Keith Richards used to drink rocket
fuel and turn it into urine.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Even Janeane Garafalo? -
Psychologists at Georgia Tech report that the "Avenue Q" song is
right: "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist." But it's not our fault,
it's the culture we grow up in. They asked test subjects if the
letters "G-U-B" formed a word, then the letters "G-U-N." If they
were shown a photo of a black face between the two, their brains
recognized the word "gun" faster. This subconscious association
between blacks and violence was universal. So they analyzed 10
million words worth of samples from books, magazines and
newspapers and discovered they were filled with stereotyped word
pairings, such as "black-murder," "women-weak," "white-greedy" and
"old-wise." A spokesman said this is why everyone has racist gut
reactions, but what matters is how we behave.
* Yeah, let's not get into that...
* That is so wise! He must be really old.
* It's okay for women to be racist because they're so weak, what
are they gonna do about it?
* So if you don't want your child to be racist, NEVER teach him to read.
* Ironically, who is it who's always telling you to listen to your
gut? Oprah.
MUSIC LINK! From "Avenue Q": http://youtu.be/be-h0eevE_E
**************************************************************
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
He Just Wants To PUMP!…You up!
- Gary Winner of Northbrook, Rhode Island, pleaded
guilty to scamming Medicare and agreed to forfeit $2 million.
Winner allegedly bought penis pumps from an adult website and sent
them to diabetes patients who never asked for them. The pumps cost
him $26, and he billed Medicare $284 each. He also sent diabetes
patients information claiming that the pumps help "bladder
control, urinary flow and prostate comfort," a claim for which
there's no specific proof.
* The box said they were for E.D., but he claimed that stood for
"Extreme Diabetes."
* It doesn't cure any of those problems, but it makes you so
popular with the ladies at the retirement home, you'll forget you
have them.
* Great, now I'm going to have the image of Wilfred Brimley with a
penis pump stuck in my head.
* He's now found an entirely legal way to rip off the taxpayers:
he's making solar-powered penis pumps.
**************************************************************
Monday, October 3, 2011
But All Penguins Look Gay! – The
American Library Association released a list of the top 100 books
that people have tried to ban from libraries in the past 10 years.
It includes classics like "Huckleberry Finn" and "To Kill a
Mockingbird;" recent bestsellers like "Gossip Girl" and "Friday
Night Lights;" and children's books such as "And Tango Makes
Three," about a real-life gay penguin couple that adopted a chick.
Perhaps the most ironic target was Ray Bradbury's "Fahrenheit
451," about a future society that burns books. And the #1 target
of would-be book banners: the "Harry Potter" series.
* To be fair, some parents wanted that banned just because they
were so damn sick of it.
* The protests against "To Kill A Mockingbird" mostly came from
confused animal lovers.
* They protested that "Fahrenheit 451" makes book burning sound
like a bad thing.
* Why don't they ban books that really deserve it, like novels by
Snooki?
**************************************************************
Friday, September 30, 2011
A Fine Aged Whine -
"Sixty Minutes" announced that this Sunday will mark the final
appearance of "A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney." The curmudgeonly
commentator is retiring after appearing on the show almost since
it began in 1968 and doing over 1,000 shows, where he griped about
every little annoyance from milk cartons to parking meters. The
producers say that at 92, it's hard for him to do the show every
week anymore, although he might make occasional appearances if he
has a topic to discuss.
* After all, retirees just sit around carping about anything
that's new, and CBS pays him for doing that.
* He got discouraged that after all his years of hard work,
they're STILL stuffing
pill bottles full of cotton!
* He plans to spend his remaining years creating topiary animals
out of his eyebrows.
* Well, at least we finally know what the retirement age is at
"Sixty Minutes."
* He waited until a few minutes with Andy Rooney was all the time
Andy Rooney had left.
* Nobody can replace him, but they've got it down to either Ray
Romano, Fran Drescher or Roseanne.
**************************************************************
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Free Love -
University of Minnesota Prof. Kathleen Vohs has done several
studies on "sexual economics," or the market value of sex, and she
says it's never been cheaper. Sociologists say men want sex more
than women do, which has traditionally meant that women could set
a high price on sex, such as marriage or diamond jewelry. But by
jumping into bed sooner with fewer expectations of long-term
commitments, young women have "discounted" the price of sex.
Research shows that 30 percent of young men's sexual relationships
now involve no romance at all; they just get sex and give nothing
in return, not even text messages. She says that when dating is
boiled down to an economic model, men are getting more bang for
their buck than ever.
* They're getting the bang free and spending the buck on a
Snickers bar afterward.
* No wonder it's hard out there for a pimp!
* These days, the most expensive part of a booty call is the
gasoline to drive over.
* Girls not only give away the milk, you can get the entire cow
for free.
* Ironically, what really costs men now is when women stop having
sex with them and divorce them.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Yoko Liked It - Last
week,
a 1965 Beatles concert contract sold at auction for $23,000. That
bodes well for British Beatles fan Barry Thomas, who paid 85
pounds ($131 US) at a 1980 auction for a roll of toilet paper
rejected by the Beatles. The TP came with a letter of authenticity
from an EMI manager, who confirmed that they refused to use it at
Abbey Road Studios because it was too "hard and shiny" and they
thought the fact that the EMI Records logo was stamped on every
sheet was disgraceful. Experts told him it was impossible to set a
value on such an odd object, but he says that he's been offered up
to 1,000 pounds ($1,545) for a single sheet of it.
* That was from Sheryl Crow...She has the money, and for her, that
would be a six-month supply.
* My god! Can you imagine how much it would be worth if they'd
actually used it!
* It was so hard and shiny, it inspired Paul to write "Maxwell's
Silver Hammer."
* I'll bet nobody would've wanted to hold their hand if they knew
they refused to use toilet paper.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Ridiculously Short-Lasting
Depression - Elsie Pawlow of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada,
is suing Kraft, makers of Stride, the "ridiculously long-lasting
chewing gum." In an unusually microscopic complaint, her lawsuit
alleges that she chewed their gum and it stuck to her dentures.
This forced her to have to dig small wads of gum out of her
dentures, which she says was "disgusting," and it caused her to
suffer depression "for approximately 10 minutes." She's seeking
her legal costs plus interest and $100,000 in damages.
* Nobody gets paid $10,000 a minute, not even Charlie Sheen
anymore.
* During that 10 minutes, she was REALLY depressed.
* She was disgusted?!
It's the people who were in the restaurant around her who should
sue!
* The jury will chew over her demands for ten minutes, then shove
her lawsuit under the table and go home.
**************************************************************
Monday, September 26, 2011
That's Just Temporary
Swelling - The Bangkok Post reports that a Thai
beautician is charging top dollar to teach her ancient,
government-approved beauty technique: breast slapping. She also
offers face slapping and buttock-slapping. Her rapid-slap
technique allegedly causes some pain but firms up the skin and
muscles. She says that after a treatment, measuring tape shows
that bustlines naturally grow up to an inch larger. A video of her
demonstrating her breast-slapping technique has become an Internet
hit. She insists it works on most women, unless their breasts are
too small for slapping, and then she suggests getting plastic
surgery and making them as big as you want.
* If the surgeon refuses to make them that big, she'll teach you
how to slap him into it.
* Most women want them big enough to use as punch balls.
* Actually, her shop is in a town called Boobslap, Thailand...You
don't want to know what they do to you in Bangkok.
* It's really great for circulation...Just watching the video of
it gets my blood pumping.
* The face and breast slapping is for firming, the
buttock-slapping is just for fun.
VIDEO LINK! The
breast-slapping film: http://tinyurl.com/5upj6as
**************************************************************'
Friday,
September 23, 2011
Free Tattoo Removal -
Jack Dukes of Fort Smith, Arkansas, thought a neighbor was ringing
his apartment bell at 2:30 am. But it was actually two men who
burst in and began beating him and demanding his prescription
painkillers. But his beloved pet macaw Charlie started screaming,
and one of the men grabbed the parrot. Bad mistake. Charlie sunk
his beak, which can easily crack Brazil nuts, into the thug's arm.
He removed a rather large chunk of flesh, and the robber screamed
and yelled, "Let's get the hell out of here!" They both fled.
Dukes says he's sure Charlie saved his life. Police are looking
for the men. A local TV report incongruously added that Charlie
likes to eat fried chicken and banana pudding.
* Although he's now developed a taste for blood...
* He went through that guy's arm like it was banana pudding.
* If he eats fried chicken, they should've known he had
cannibalistic tendencies.
* That robber could really use some prescription painkillers now.
* When you try to steal a macaw, you don't just leave behind
fingerprints, you leave behind fingers.
VIDEO LINK! http://tinyurl.com/6zdd5pb
EXTRA VIDEO LINK! If you
hear voices from the trees, blame irresponsible idiots who let pet
parrots loose in the wild: http://tinyurl.com/3m4bmys
**************************************************************'
Thursday,
September 22, 2011
No Fur Anywhere -
PETA has been so successful at convincing celebrities to pose
discreetly nude for their "I'd rather go naked than wear fur"
campaign that they now plan to go all the way and launch their own
porn site. Feminists who thought the original ads were sexist
condemned this idea as "Neanderthal." But PETA's spokesman said
the models all choose to participate. And the site will also have
undercover animal mistreatment videos, links to vegan recipes and
other animal-friendly aspects. He said PETA hopes people who come
to the site for the graphic porn will look a little deeper and be
encouraged to change to a plant-based diet.
* Hey, I'm not putting that cucumber in MY mouth!
* They promise you'll see melons in an exciting new light.
* When people look deeper on a porn site, they're not looking for
vegan recipes.
* They promise that this site will make you want to beat meat.
* It's the only porn site where the models have all been spayed or
neutered.
* Some of the photos give a whole new meaning to the phrase,
"animal lover."
**************************************************************'
Wednesday,
September 21, 2011
Wait, Isn't That FEWER
People Than Backed Her In 2008? - According to a new
Bloomberg poll, the most popular politician in America today is
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, with an approval rating of 64
percent. Also, 34 percent believe America would be better off if
Hillary were President instead of Obama, even though her own party
rejected her for Obama just three years ago.
* But then, at the time, only 34 percent of them thought that we'd
be better off with Hillary as President instead of Obama.
* They wish they had Hillary instead of a liberal from Chicago who
wears mom jeans and wants to socialize health care.
* For some reason, Democrats always opt for someone sexier, then
come crawling back to Hillary.
* Democrats approve of the job Hillary is doing, and Republicans
approve of the fact that they haven't heard her name in the news
since she was appointed.
* Then again, being the most popular politician in America today
is like being the most popular herpes sufferer in the kissing
booth.
**************************************************************'
Tuesday,
September 20, 2011
AKA "Led Zeppelin Junior"
- St. Louis Today reports that when 64-year-old George Blackburn
of Bethalto, Missouri, got divorced for the third time, he wanted
a fresh start. So he legally changed his name to Led Zeppelin II.
He said, "I don't want to appear to be some off-the-wall,
drug-addict idiot," but the band's music changed his life, so he
changed his name to help him be a better person. Result: he says
his life has improved a thousand fold. He says when fellow Led
Zeppelin music fans learn his name, they admire him for having the
guts to do it and buy him drinks and dinner. He says even his
ex-wife is supportive, and calls him Zep or L.Z.
* Actually, she's calling him "La-zy."
* They got divorced because he was always dazed and confused, and
he'd ramble on until they had a communication breakdown.
* It's like he bought a stairway to Heaven.
* Fans buy him so many meals, he's starting to resemble a
zeppelin.
* If you don't want to appear to be some off-the-wall drug addict
idiot, changing your named to Led Zeppelin II probably shouldn't
be your first move.
**************************************************************'
Monday,
September 19, 2011
Shouldn't Have Picked
"Positively 4th Street" - Serenading your sweetheart
sounds like a romantic notion, but it didn't work out too well for
a 50-year-old man in Gothenburg, Sweden. He took his guitar and
five backup vocalists to her home, stood under balcony at 11 p.m.,
and strummed and sang a Bob Dylan song. Unfortunately, she had a
restraining order against him and called the police. He was
charged with harassment and making illegal threats against her new
boyfriend. It was not reported which Bob Dylan song he sang to
her.
* But she insisted to police that she was NOT such an idiot that it's
a wonder that she still knows how to breathe.
* He was charged with threatening to sing like Bob Dylan.
* His singing turned out to be just so much blowin' in the wind.
**************************************************************'
Friday, September 16, 2011
Puppy Love -
Jessica Simpson's security team has long kept tabs on an alleged
obsessed fan named Marce William Burchell. He sent puppies to her
home when her dog went missing, challenged her fiance to a
marathon for the right to marry her, and called and texted until
she had to change her phone number. Now, he's giving his side of
the story in a 30-page self-published book called "The True Story
of Jessica Ann Simpson's 22-month-long attempt to seduce a married
man - her very Active Super Secret Sex life: True Story Jessica
Simpson Seduction of A Married Man (Volume 1)." It's $29.95 on
Amazon. He says it wasn't written to hurt her to help him heal
emotionally from the "severe trauma and pain she put me through by
her heartless cruel treatment of me."
* Want to hear the scariest part? This is only volume one.
* It's 30 pages long, and that's just the title.
* Jessica refused to read it...but only because it's 29 pages too
long.
* I'm shocked by this
story! Jessica Simpson
inspired someone to create a piece of LITERATURE?!
**************************************************************'
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Better Dialogue Than
"Avatar" - Two Cornell University researchers created the
first conversation between two robots. They rigged up a system
that allowed two chatbots to talk to each other. Chatbots emulate
the conversational abilities of humans, based on the theory that a
robot could be considered intelligent if it could converse well
enough that a human wouldn't realize he was talking to a robot.
The two robots, via male and female Internet avatars, started off
well, but the conversation quickly degenerated into lies, insults
and inane bickering. The male avatar claimed he was a unicorn,
called the female a "meanie," and criticized her for being
mistaken, sniping, "Which is odd, since memory shouldn't be a
problem for you." The female avatar claimed she wasn't a robot,
got pedantic about word usage, then curtly said, "Au revoir," and
shut off.
* What a meanie!
* Wow! She must've been programmed by my ex-wife!
* They really are just like two humans on a blind date!
* The only other time two robots had a conversation was when Mitt
Romney and Rick Perry met in the GOP debate, and that ended about
the same way.
**************************************************************'
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
How Did The Bureaucrats
Lose Their Minds? - Fredrick Jansson of Skelleftea,
Sweden, lost his leg to cancer over 10 years ago. But in order to
keep his disabled parking permit, the local government forced him
to prove every three years that he still has trouble walking.
Officials say it's necessary due to a lack of disabled parking
spaces. But Jansson said, "It defies all common sense. I go down
to Umea once every three years and have a doctor establish my leg
is still gone. It's not like my leg is going to grow back."
* Why so pessimistic?
* If legs grew back, one frog would last a Cajun a lifetime.
* "My leg is still gone!" What a limp excuse!
* What is the government thinking? He's stumped.
* Still, if he wants to keep the permit, he'd better hop to it.
**************************************************************'
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Those Wild, Crazy
Canadians! - The Bear 100.3 FM in Edmonton, Alberta,
Canada, is holding a contest to win a wife from Russia. The winner
gets airfare, $500 and 13 nights' accommodations in Russia to meet
and choose from an array of "hot foreign chicks." To those who say
it undermines the sanctity of marriage, the station says it's no
worse than reality shows like "The Bachelor," and it's arranged
through a "serious and renowned" mail-order bride company called
"Volga Girl."
* And trust me, you couldn't find girls more Volga than this
anywhere.
* Gay listeners can also enter to win a prize from a company
called "Volga Boatmen."
* I'm sure there are quite a few Canadian radio DJs who can vouch
for this service.
**************************************************************'
Monday, September 12, 2011
The Obamacare Of Money -
A 2005 law requires US reserve banks to keep ordering one-dollar
coins, but virtually no Americans want them. They're too easy to
confuse with quarters, and Americans are just used to paper
dollars and refuse to take the coins. So bank vaults nationwide
are filling up with them. The Federal Reserve Bank in Baltimore
says they have only a small portion of them, and they are
literally running out of storage room. By 2016, reserve banks will
be expected to have $2 billion worth of dollar coins, and they say
they have to start hunting for other federal facilities that have
more space.
* How about putting them in the Social Security lockbox? I hear
that's just about empty.
* Bankers will soon be forced to take them home and pile them up
on top of their dressers.
* Obama could create jobs by hiring unemployed people to build
giant, pig-shaped vaults to hold them all.
* The good news is that by 2016, they'll actually be worth a
quarter, so problem solved!
**************************************************************'
Friday, September 9, 2011
But I Drove All Night! -
Celine Dion was the victim of a burglary this week when a
36-year-old man allegedly stole the keys from her husband's car
and used them to break into their Montreal mansion. He tripped the
alarm, and police arrived to find that he'd helped himself to some
pastries from the fridge and was drawing himself a nice, warm
bath. Police say when they arrived, he was coming down Dion's big
staircase and asking, "Hey, guys, what are you doing here?" They
arrested him on the spot.
* Oh come on! Do you really think Celine Dion would've eaten those
pastries?!
* He was charged with exceeding the gay limit.
* The cops knew something was wrong at Celine Dion's place when
they didn’t hear
tortured howling coming from it.
**************************************************************'
Thursday,
September 8, 2011
This Will Make You Vomit
- A doctor in Osterbro, Denmark, who specializes in
eating disorders is charged with sexual abuse of patients. He
claims that making at least five women anorexics strip naked and
play with sex toys while he photographed them was an "alternative
treatment," designed to make them feel more accepting of how they
looked naked. He said, "That's why I took a number of photographs
of genitalia, to get them adjusted to seeing them." Police found
more than 600 other nude photos on his PC, but he claimed they
must've been put there by a virus or were left over from when he
salvaged the computer off the street.
* If he's pulling computers out of Dumpsters, he can't be too
afraid of contracting a virus.
* Anorexics hate being photographed... The camera adds 10 pounds.
* These women hate seeing their genitalia because they think their
genitalia looks fat.
* He's not treating those anorexic women; he obviously just wants
to jump their bones.
**************************************************************'
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
* The Labor Department reported that there were no jobs at
all created last month...Unless
you count all the unemployed people who've had to become
Hillbilly Hand-fishers...On the plus side, there might be a job
opening at the White House next year...But things must be
getting better this month because Chaz Bono actually got a job
as a dancer!
**************************************************************'
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Why The Moon Is
Pizza-Faced - Pizza Hut delivered Pizza to the space
station in 2001, and now, Domino's Japanese branch hopes to one-up
that by opening the first Domino's outlet on the moon. They don't
know how long it will take for humans to colonize the moon, but
they hope to be the first pizza place there when they do. The plan
is to build a dome-shaped concrete Domino's on the lunar surface.
They estimate it will cost over $20 billion and take 15 rocket
trips to transport the construction materials and pizza making
equipment. They hope to use local resources, like moon minerals
for the concrete. They say workers will have to live at the store.
And yes, they do plan to offer delivery.
* They'll make the Kessel run in 30 parsecs or less, or your pizza
is free!
* Now the moon really will hit
your eye like a big pizza pie!
* They plan to use local resources, like on their new "Green
Cheese and Pepperoni" pizza.
* They may be the first pizza place on the moon, but I'll bet
there's already a Starbucks there.
* Pizza on the moon is far in the future...Right now, we can't
even get toilet paper to the space station.
**************************************************************'
Friday, September 2, 2011
"For Body" -
University of Manchester researchers discovered that ancient
Egyptians used hair gel. Microscopic studies of hair samples from
mummies revealed that they had been treated with a substance made
from plant and animal fatty acids. They believe that personal
appearance was so important to the ancient Egyptians that they
used styling gel on dead bodies so they could retain the
hairstyles they wore in life.
* Imagine any civilization being superstitious enough to care
about that!
* That's why people stood in line to see the boy king.
* They even had a company that marketed hair gel, but it was a
pyramid scheme.
* If they wanted a hairstyle to hold for all eternity, they
should've invented Aquanet.
**************************************************************'
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Jews Have Tattoos? -
Following the lead of Rembrandt, who gave Jesus a new look in the
1600s, Versailles, Kentucky, artist Stephen Sawyer is trying to
give Jesus a more macho image. Sawyer says Jesus preferred the
outdoors, and He couldn't have overturned the money-lenders'
tables if he were a wimp. So using a muscular surfer as a model,
he paints portraits of Jesus that masculine Christians can relate
to. Sawyer depicts Jesus as muscular and tattooed, and as a boxer
and a biker.
* First He kicks your ass, and then He heals it.
* He now says, "Blessed are the Harley makers."
* Jesus was a carpenter, so he made Him look like one of those hot
remodeler dudes on HGTV.
* His Jesus turned the water into Boilermakers.
**************************************************************'
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Rage Against Reality
- In a triumph for feminism, a woman just won the 16th Air Guitar
World Championships in Finland. Each contestant had to "perform"
twice; once to a song of his or her choosing, then again to Rage
Against The Machine's song, "Without A Face." American champion
Justin "Nordic Thunder" Howard said, "My strength is that I have
absolutely no shame." But that wasn't enough to win: he came in
second to Aline "The Devil's Niece" Westphal of Germany. No
musical talent or actual guitar-playing ability is required, but
the winner receives a hand-crafted electric guitar.
* Why, nobody knows.
* ...An invisible, weightless, hand-crafted electric guitar.
* All the others got the same consolation prize: lifetime room and
board in their parents' basement.
* Justin's secret weapon didn't help because, really, none of them
have any shame.
**************************************************************'
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
But I Want To Walk Over
Them! – The organization that assigns sidewalk stars to
celebrities on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was asked if they give
stars to reality show characters like The Situation, and they
replied, "Hell to the No!" They explained that celebrities who've
appeared on reality shows, like Gene Simmons, can have stars, but
not people known only for reality shows, like Paris Hilton, Kim
Kardashian or Kate Gosselin. They can get a star only if they
later do something else noteworthy, like if Snooki wins an Emmy.
* In other words, they will never
get a star.
* Don't give up hope; maybe the Emmys will add an award for "Best
Sex Tape."
* They thought about letting Kim Kardashian leave her butt print
in cement, but someone might drown in it after a rainstorm.
* If they can't have stars, at least let them put their feet in
cement...then throw them into the East River.
**************************************************************'
Monday, August 29, 2011
Consider It A Very Thorough
Circumcision - A jury in Shelbyville, Kentucky, rejected
a truck driver's $16 million lawsuit against his surgeon for
amputating part of his penis without permission. The doctor was
performing a circumcision operation when he spotted what he
thought was potentially deadly cancer and made the cuts. The
patient claimed it wasn't an emergency, and he should've been
consulted after he woke up. But a majority of jurors sided against
him. It was a six-man, six-woman jury.
* And they flipped a coin to break the tie.
* They gave him a fair hearing, but somehow, he just came up a
little short.
* The surgeon figured that if he'd asked the guy to choose between
his penis or his life, they would've been there all day.
**************************************************************'
Friday, August 26, 2011
A Steaming Load Of Bull -
Early yesterday morning, some metal canisters fell off a Greyhound
bus as it entered Interstate 65 near downtown Nashville. There
were reports of steam and an unpleasant odor coming from the
canisters. So firefighters shut down the ramp and called HAZMAT
crews, which cleared the area and traced the bus. The leaking
canisters turned out to contain straws full of bull semen
preserved in liquid nitrogen. The bus driver said he didn't know
that he'd lost his load.
* Well, technically, it was the bulls that did that.
* Anyway, thank God and Greyhound it's gone.
* I knew it...If you let people put people bull testicles on
pickup trucks, this is the next logical step.
**************************************************************'
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Cheeseburger In
Anti-Paradise - Over the weekend, Akron, Ohio, hosted one
of America's premiere culinary events: the National Hamburger
Festival. A spokesman said, "This festival is America," reaching
"all demographics of everybody, just like the hamburger." The
events included bobbing for burgers in a kiddie pool filled with
ketchup; a Jimmy Buffett cover band; the debut of a new taste
sensation, the deep-fried cheeseburger; and a beauty contest.
* The winner was the girl with the best buns.
* The talent portion was a deep-fried cheeseburger-eating contest,
so you did not want to see the swimsuit competition.
* Deep-frying the cheeseburger helps kill off all the unhealthy
nutrients in the lettuce and tomato.
* The least popular event: bobbing for cheeseburgers in the deep
fryer.
Wednesday,
August 24, 2011
Liquored Up And Lawyered Up -
Frank Stephenson, the former director of research communications
at Florida State University, is suing the college for $75,000. The
school fired him over complaints that he was allegedly abusive
toward employees. But he claims he was fired because of his
handicap: he's a drunk. He's demanding damages for wrongful
termination, emotional distress and damage to his reputation. He
says the university should have made "reasonable accommodations"
for his handicap of alcoholism.
* Like not expecting any of his communications to be coherent
after 10 a.m.
* If they can install grab bars in the toilets, then they
should've installed a wet bar in his classroom.
* Obviously, his lawyer is drunk, too.
* Plus, this is Florida State. EVERYBODY'S
drunk!
**************************************************************'
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The Law Is An Ass! A
Flabby Ass! - 61-year-old Roy Lester of Long Beach, New
York is suing the state for wrongful dismissal from his job as a
lifeguard. The suit was dismissed once, but just got reinstated.
In 2007, he showed up for his annual 100-yard swim test wearing
bike shorts. State regulations say lifeguards have to wear
"boxers, briefs or board shorts" during the test. Lester says he
was ordered to change into a skimpy Speedo and was fired when he
refused to do it. Lester says he wore a Speedo in his 20s, "but
come on. There should be a law prohibiting anyone over the age of
50 from wearing a Speedo."
* They're right, he shouldn't be a lifeguard...He should be the
Governor.
* He has a point...although he probably shouldn't be wearing bike
shorts, either.
* He'll win because even though Justice is blind, it's still
disgusted by a 61-year-old guy in a Speedo.
**************************************************************
Monday, August 22, 2011
Veiled Threat - There's
a new fad in China that goes against that culture's famous
conservatism. Trendy young couples are posing for nude wedding
photos. Usually, they're for the groom's eyes only, and the brides
use a little lace or a bouquet to preserve their modesty. But
recently, an unidentified bride posed for full frontal photos in
Shanghai's Zhoupu Park in nothing but a bridal veil, and they
somehow leaked onto the Internet. Now, they're burning up the
Chinese media. One newspaper offered $1500 if the bride will come
forward to talk about it. Meanwhile, police are studying the
photos closely to try to identify the bride and photographer and
charge them with outraging public decency.
* They're studying them very closely...Very, very, very, very closely.
* The groom is also watching closely, to see if any other guys
come forward and identify her.
* They're questioning several men named Wang, because she
looks like a girl who's been around quite a few Wangs in her time.
**************************************************************
Friday,
August 19, 2011
Acting!! - Actress
Leslie Mann has set off outrage on the Internet by claiming that
her topless scenes in the movie "The Change Up" don't show her
real breasts. She claims that the bodacious boobs she displays in
the movie are actually the perfectly realistic-looking result of
modern CGI special effects. The webmaster of one celebrity nudity
site called it criminal and "an abomination," comparing it to
painting a hat on the Mona Lisa.
* Or more like painting bigger boobs on her, except that would be
a good idea.
* I should've suspected this when her boobs suddenly transformed
into car headlights.
* This is so dishonest! When I pay to see a movie, I expect to see
the actress's real fake
breasts!
* As part of the movie's plot, she magically switches boobs with
Salma Hayek.
**************************************************************
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Tonto Bummed - Disney
has
shut down production on a new version of "The Lone Ranger" with
Johnny Depp as Tonto, directed by "Pirates of the Caribbean"
director, Gore Verbinski. The budget estimate has soared to $250
million. As to how anyone could spend that much on a Western, this
"Lone Ranger" script reportedly features massive sets and
supernatural elements, including werewolves.
* REAL werewolves!...And
their
agent is a vampire.
* Plus, for some reason, a whole lot of gay pirates.
* Also, the price of silver bullets has really gone through the
roof.
* Whoever wrote this script should have to wear a mask in public.
* For that much money, they'd have to talk to the Loan Arranger.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Shocked Monkeys Prefer
Peter Gabriel - The New York Daily News reports that
engineering students at Cooper Union were studying the movements
of cockroaches by hooking them up to electrodes and shocking them.
But the roaches got used to that and stopped moving. So they tried
using music to get them to move. Roaches had no response to Weezer
or heavy metal, but when they played Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance,"
the roaches responded immediately and never stopped flapping.
* They were trying to escape.
* This would explain why Lady Gaga concerts draw so many vermin.
* The roaches were impossible to shock, but Lady Gaga did it...I
have a feeling she'd be proud to hear that.
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
August 16, 2011
Do This To More Writers'
Computers - Last Thursday in Beverly Hills, an aspiring
screenwriter gave a perfect example of how not to break into show
business. Police say that he was so desperate to get someone to
look at his screenplay, he visited an agent's office and left
behind a briefcase that he said contained a computer with his
script on it and asked that it be delivered to a certain agent.
The agent said the guy had been pestering him and he didn't want
it. So a security guard took it into the alley and called the
police. The bomb squad sealed off the block and evacuated dozens
of people from Rodeo Drive businesses. Then they blew up the
briefcase, which turned out to contain nothing but the writer's
computer. He was detained for questioning.
* On the bright side, he finally has a good plot for a screenplay.
* At least he finally has official confirmation that his
script was not a bomb.
* This is terrible! Why couldn't it have the computer of the guy
who wrote that "Smurfs" movie?!
**************************************************************
Monday,
August 15, 2011
I Bet It Works - As part
of a sponsorship deal with the betting company Betfair, the hot
British women's Olympic beach volleyball duo, Shauna Mullin and
Zara Dampney, will be encouraging fans to photograph their butts.
They will have a Quick Response bar code on the backs of their
teeny bikini bottoms. When photographed by a smart phone, it
automatically takes users to Betfair's website. A spokesman said
they believe there's no better way to test QR codes' effectiveness
"than by putting them on one of the places that is likely to get
photographed the most."
* The problem is, with the bikinis they wear, is there room for a
bar code?
* For men's volleyball, they'll just put the bar code on
their balls.
* They're also offering $10 million for ad space on Pippa
Middleton's butt.
**************************************************************
Friday, August 12, 2011
He Likes Crumb-Gobblers -
Over the weekend at a county fair in Davenport, Iowa, a man
dressed as "Sesame Street's" Cookie Monster was passing out fliers
for a cartoon character service and posing for photos with kids.
But he made the mistake of saying "Hello" to a cop, who happened
to recognize his voice as James Lester Rogers, a registered sex
offender. He was taken to an office and interviewed by a detective
who keeps track of local sex offenders, and who said, "There he
was, dressed like Cookie Monster. Sounds weird." He was jailed on
an aggravated misdemeanor charge. The detective said Rogers isn't
allowed at the fairgrounds at all, much less to pose with kids as
Cookie Monster.
* But he was so good at it, because he really is a monster!
* You know you're scum when you're not even allowed to hobnob with
carnies.
* Maybe he's reformed and all he really loves now is COOKIES!!
* When he gets near a Girl Scout's cookies, he can't control
himself.
**************************************************************
Thursday, August 11, 2011
The Music Of The
Nightmares - The New York Post reports that the Andrew
Lloyd Webber musical "Phantom of the Opera" will play its 10,000th
performance next year, but 86-year-old usher Sylvia Bailey has
already seen it 9,000 times. Bailey has watched "Phantom" from a
chair in the back five nights a week since it opened. Amazingly,
she still likes it and isn't sick of it. She says she loves the
song "Say You'll Share With Me One Love, One Lifetime," and that
it "sticks in my brain. When I lug my bag onto the bus, I'll be
humming that song."
* She'll still be humming it hours later, when she takes five or
six sleeping pills to make it go away.
* The other bus passengers are so sick of it, they'd like to drop
a chandelier on her.
* When you're 86, you must be glad when anything sticks in your brain.
* She's lucky; if she'd been an usher at "Cats," she'd probably
have killed herself by now.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
The Hun Will Smell You
Coming - The US Army has made a licensing deal with
Parfumologie to market a new fragrance called "Patton," after the
notoriously foul-mouthed, eccentric World War II General, George
S. Patton. It's a blend of lavender, citrus, coconut, cedar, sage
and other scents and is described as a "backwoods, masculine
scent."
* It's so masculine, it comes in hairy bottles (Old Kingston Trio joke!)
* It's a scent so masculine, it assaults you...Like a good, hard
slap in the face!
* The slogan is "No SOB ever won a woman by smelling like a
pansy!"
* Patton got away with being foul-mouthed and eccentric because he
just smelled so good!
**************************************************************
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Orange You Disgusted? -
Authorities in Alaska are trying to identify a mysterious,
orange-colored substance that's washed up on the shores of the
remote village of Kivalina, putting an orange sheen all over the
harbor. So far, all they've been able to determine is that it
doesn't seem petroleum-based or manmade, and a woman who dipped
her hand into it said she didn't smell anything odd.
* In fact, now she can't smell anything at all.
* Her hand mutated into a lobster claw, but no smell at all.
* So, how did it taste?
* Wow, that Sarah Palin really is
fearless!
* They believe the cast of "Jersey Shore" might have gone swimming
there and contaminated the bay with their fake tans.
**************************************************************
Monday, August 8, 2011
Except He Has A Handlebar
Mustache - Police in Newport Beach, California, are
searching for two men caught on video stealing 15 bicycles from an
underground parking lot in recent months. Oddly enough, the
younger one is described as an Ashton Kutcher lookalike, while the
older bike thief looks just like KFC's Colonel Sanders.
* Stealing bicycles was on his bucket list.
* Apparently, Col. Sanders has sticky fingers.
* Col. Sanders or Ashton Kutcher? That's like "Original" or "Extra
Dippy."
**************************************************************
Friday, August 5, 2011
Reality Bites –
Here’s another bad economic indicator: the Tooth Fairy is hurting
for money. A phone survey of 1,006 parents by Visa found that the
average amount of money left under the pillow for a tooth has
dropped in the past year from $3 to $2.60. Kids in the Eastern US
took the biggest hit, with Tooth Fairy money there dropping from
$3.40 to $2.10, a 38 percent decline. One mom said if you have
multiple kids losing multiple teeth in a year, the recession can
really take a bite out of the Tooth Fairy.
* But who needs teeth anyway when you can’t afford food?
* If she thinks that’s bad, wait till they’re older and need the
Braces Fairy.
* The Tooth Fairy is praying that some rapper will lose a lot of
gold teeth.
* The Eastern Tooth Fairy just lost a lot of money on Wall Street.
* Visa’s trying to convince the Tooth Fairy to start putting teeth
on plastic.
**************************************************************
Thursday, August 4, 2011
It Was A Moving Violation: The
Earth Moved - Monday in Biella, Italy, a court
reaffirmed that having sex in a car is a felony in Italy. The case
involved a couple caught by a cop naked, "one on top of the
other," in a car in the public square. They asked for a lighter
sentence of public indecency, but the court was unsympathetic and
upheld the charge of sex in a car as a felony. They could get from
three months to three years in prison.
* Three years?! Must've been a convertible.
* The good news: Sex in prison is legal.
* Their lawyer will argue that it is physically impossible to have
sex in a Fiat.
* If Italians aren't having sex in their cars, then what's their
excuse for driving the way they do?
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
August 3, 2011
I Like This Theory! - A
top professor at Oxford says that Facebook and Twitter are
rewriting people's brains to create a generation of child-like
adults who are so self-obsessed, they need constant positive
feedback. Pharmacology Prof. Baroness Greenfield claims that
repeated exposure to social networking can produce symptoms
similar to an identity crisis, such as reduced concentration,
inability to make eye contact and a need for instant
gratification. She said all the appeals to people to "Like" and
comment on everything you do are making adults behave like
toddlers who demand attention by saying, "Look at me, Mummy, I've
done this," even if it's just something as banal as eating
breakfast.
* I draw the line when they ask me to praise the boom-boom they
made after eating
breakfast.
* If you agree with this theory, she'd appreciate any positive
feedback.
* People who are heavily into social networking don't need to make
eye contact because they're never in the same room with another
live human.
* Facebook fans were so upset by her criticism, they created an
official protest page and are asking all their Friends to "Like"
it.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Like Having Beer-Dar
- AboveGround Applications of Fort Lauderdale, Florida, has
developed the ultimate iPhone app. It's designed to help users
find the nearest and cheapest beer, wherever they are. It's called
NearBeer, and it lets you search for the closest places that sell
beer by distance, brand, quantity or price. The app gets its data
from user submissions.
* It's direct from the drunks, so you know it's reliable!
* My question: Is finding beer really that hard in Fort
Lauderdale?
* Now they need an app that tells you whether the girl you're
hitting on really is hot, or you're just drunk.
**************************************************************
Monday, August 1, 2011
A Footwear Retrospective -
The flop of "Sex & The City 2" has apparently not killed the
series, but the next movie might take a different tack to try to
attract a younger audience. The buzz in Hollywood is that it will
be a prequel based on Candace Bushnell's novels and feature the
women in the '70s and '80s when they were teenagers. The hoped-for
casting is Blake Lively as Samantha, Selena Gomez as Charlotte,
Emma Roberts as Miranda and in Sarah Jessica Parker's role as
Carrie Bradshaw, Elizabeth Olsen, younger sister of Mary-Kate and
Ashley.
* Mary-Kate and Ashley are too old now.
* So the next movie will show the women in the '70s and '80s,
instead of in their 70s
and 80s.
* The working title is "Skank Babies."
* If they want to attract a younger audience, call it "Sexting And
The City."
**************************************************************
Friday, July 29, 2011
The Republican Health
Care Plan - A 63-year-old Glendale, California, man is
in stable condition after he attempted to remove his own hernia
with a butter knife. Police answered a call to his house to find
him naked outside on a lounge chair with the handle of the knife
protruding from his stomach. As they waited for paramedics, he
pulled the knife out and stuck his cigarette into the hole. His
wife said he was upset about the hernia and just wanted it out. A
surgeon who repaired it said, "It is absolutely impossible for
someone to fix their own hernia."
* At least with a butter knife...For that, you need a Swiss Army
Knife with the special hernia blade.
* Nonsense! He's performed brain surgery on himself several times!
* Definitely not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* If he's stable, this would be the first time.
**************************************************************
Thursday, July 28, 2011
40-Year-Old Grandfather, Eh?
- Police in Fort Walton Beach, Florida, arrested 40-year-old Lon
Allen Groves on a variety of serious charges after a brief
standoff at his home. They say that Groves was drunk and had been
arguing with his wife when he suddenly pushed her to the floor and
held a 9mm pistol to her head. They'd been arguing over which
granddaughter was her favorite.
* I'm guessing his favorite is the one who brings beer.
* Thus answering the question," "Why aren't the grandkids allowed
to come over and play at Paw-paw's house?"
* He has a bumper sticker that reads, "If you value your life, DON'T ask me about my
grandchildren!"
**************************************************************
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Show Us Your Bulges!
- Anthony Weiner aside, a survey of over 5,000 visitors to the
cheaters' website AshleyMadison.com found that women are much more
likely to sext naughty photos of themselves than men are.
Two-thirds of women had sent naked or semi-nude photos of
themselves over cell phones, compared to only half the men. The
sample might seem skewed, but researcher Dr. Kholos Wysocki, a
University of Nebraska women's studies professor, believes it hold
true in the general population. She said, "I know young men who
are constantly getting naked pictures from women they know on
their phones. They're constant!"
* But the much more important question is: "Who ARE these women?!" And
how do I get them on my Friends & Family Plan?!
* It's kind of amazing, considering how critical women are of
their own bodies.
* The photos women sext are also 10 times more likely to be
Photoshopped.
* From now on, if I see a young man who can't put down his cell
phone, I'll be a lot more understanding.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
The Two And Only -
Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy for allegedly using a model,
Melissa Molinaro, who looks too much like her in a series of ads.
Kim's attorney released a statement reading, "Kim Kardashian is
immediately recognizable and is known for her look and style. Her
identity and persona are valuable. When her intellectual property
rights are violated, she intends to enforce them."
* He had to release a written statement because he couldn't say
"Kim Kardashian" and "intellectual" with a straight face.
* Old Navy hopes to get her to drop the lawsuit by convincing her
it's unpatriotic to sue the Navy.
* Melissa has a much smaller butt than Kim, but heck, everyone
does.
**************************************************************
Monday, July 25, 2011
A Meth To Their Madness -
Police in Bloomingdale, Georgia, got a 911 call at 4 a.m. Tuesday
from two men reporting a home invasion robbery. They rushed to the
scene, and one of the men said they could hear the intruders in
the back bedroom. He pointed at nothing and told the deputies that
they were right there, climbing into a boat and getting away. The
deputies say they looked around and realized the two had been
manufacturing methamphetamines and were hallucinating. A spokesman
said, "They were so high, they called 911 on themselves."
* They were hoping that the cops were an hallucination, too.
* On the plus side, that must've been their best batch of meth
ever.
* Lesson: If you're on meth, avoid full-length mirrors.
* These guys could inspire a TV series called "Breaking Dumb."
**************************************************************
Friday, July 22, 2011
Stick With What You Know
- Tahir Malik of Skokie, Illinois, was sentenced to two years in
prison for impersonating a lawyer. Malik was already a convicted
felon with a record including burglary, shoplifting and criminal
trespass when he began posing as an attorney. Oddly enough, he
handled more than 60 cases without training or a license, and
nobody suspected a thing. The Sheriff said, "He did everything
right - except obtain a law degree."
* Well, being a lying criminal is pretty good training for being a
lawyer.
* He just specialized in burglary, shoplifting and criminal
trespass cases.
* He told his clients that he had years of experience within the
criminal justice system.
* He would've gotten a lot more prison time, but he acted as his
own attorney.
**************************************************************
Thursday, July 21, 2011
It's A Bloodstained White
T-Shirt - In Dacatur, Illinois, Billy Rutherford and his
fiancee were waiting outside the courthouse to get married, she in
a white gown and he in a red T-shirt, when he was arrested and the
wedding was canceled. Back in March, the bride accused him of
"beating on her all day," shoving her head into a kitchen cabinet
and throwing her through a coffee table. They'd since made up and
reconciled, but she forgot to lift the restraining order. So he
was arrested for having contact with her on their would-be wedding
day. They had planned to get married in court by a judge who'd
represented them both in separate cases when he was an attorney.
* Something tells me they were his two best customers.
* She forgot to lift the restraining order? Boy, is she gonna get
it now!
* The bride tends to forget things, what with all the concussions.
* If you'd like to send them a wedding gift, they could really use
a new coffee table.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
July 20, 2011
Just Plenty Of
Lubrication... - A new website called EyeHandy.com
offers a new way to encourage men to do household chores. It
offers instructional videos featuring scantily-clad women
demonstrating how to do all sorts of do-it-yourself projects, from
changing a tire to waxing a surfboard. There are 15 videos, and
they plan to add a new one each week. In addition to the videos of
handy women in lingerie, the site provides a list of all the tools
needed to do what you see in the videos.
* And a list of stores that carry the lingerie.
* Could the girls in the videos
demonstrate how to handle a tool?
* So far, it's just encouraged men to sit in front of the computer
for hours on end.
* Men don't care about how to do it yourself; they want to know
how to do her yourself.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Bewitched, Bothered And
Bewildered – Now that the final Harry Potter movie has
opened, the Washington Times reports that many fans could be left
feeling depressed and grief-stricken that something they've built
so much of their lives around is finally at an end. Daryl
Franzetti, a California-based university lecturer on the cultural
anthropology of "Star Trek" fandom, said "Potter" junkies need to
realize that it's not dead and they're not alone. Something that
successful will have inevitable spin-offs, plus they can keep on
getting together for conventions where they can dress up as
"Potter" characters, make friends and debate "Potter" canon for
the rest of their lives.
* The rest of their worthless, pathetic, empty lives.
* That is, if they ever actually get lives.
* When he puts it that way, now, they're REALLY depressed!
* Isn't there just some kind of potion they could drink to end it
all?
* Or they could move to California, where universities apparently
pay losers to lecture students about their sad obsessions.
**************************************************************
Monday,
July 18, 2011
Source Of Misinformation -
As proof of how some people will slap the word "organic" on
anything, a Welsh company is offering what they call "organic
water." "Illanllyr SOURCE" organic water went on display at the
Fancy Food Show in Washington. The sellers say that since the
water comes from certified organic fields, it's organic as it
comes out of the ground. The USDA says organic things have to be
carbon-based lifeforms, like vegetables or meat, and water can't
be organic because it's just hydrogen and oxygen.
* How about if they put a few strips of bacon in every bottle?
* Come on, "organic" isn't a scientific term. It's a marketing
term! That's why the organic water comes in an organic plastic
bottle!
* They could just stop calling it organic and start calling it
"carbon-neutral."
**************************************************************
Friday,
July 15, 2011
Flight Of The Worker Bee
- Traveling sales consultant Tom Stuker of Bloomingdale,
Illinois, has achieved George Clooney's goal in "Up In The Air" by
logging 10 million frequent flier miles on United Airlines. Just
like in the movie, he was served champagne, given a titanium
mileage card and his name was painted on a plane. Stuker said he
loves the peacefulness at 40,000 feet and does his best creative
work writing training materials on planes. Since joining United's
program in 1982, he's taken 5,962 flights. Three times, he's flown
for five consecutive days, living entirely on airline meals.
* It's a miracle he didn't become a stand-up comedian.
* He now plans to cash in some of his miles to get a free stomach
pump.
* He's also talked women into initiating him into the Mile High
Club over 900 times.
* Tell the truth: he really just enjoys the strip searches,
doesn't he?
**************************************************************
Thursday,
July 14, 2011
Sleeping Again, You Lazy
Little Pig?! - The British government has issued new
guidelines to prevent childhood obesity that include a
recommendation that babies as young as one year get at least three
hours of exercise a day. Since they can't walk yet, it's suggested
that parents take them swimming, let them push and pull objects,
or roll around on the floor.
* Basically, Amy Winehouse's exercise routine.
* Of course, rolling them around on the floor is easier if they're
already obese.
* Or if they were fathered by Arnold Schwarzenegger, they can pump
iron.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
But What Was The Point Of
The Last "Sex & The City" Movie? - University of
Indiana biologists may have finally answered the age-old Darwinian
question: "What is the point of sex?" They engineered two types of
the same worm: one type reproduced by two genders mating; the
other by cloning itself. They found that the offspring that
combined two different DNA strands were more resistant to
parasites and lived longer. So the point of sex could be to help
ward off parasites. One researcher said, "The co-evolutionary
struggle between hosts and their parasites could explain the
existence of males."
* She must a female researcher.
* What about sex with males like Kevin Federline or Levi Johnston,
who are themselves parasites?
* If sex exists to prevent parasites, why does it spread crabs?
* This would also explain why so many women have sex with guys who
are worms.
* Also, sex helps prevent in-breeding, except among royals.
**************************************************************
Friday, July 1, 2011
Potential Gas Attack -
Monday in Walla Walla, Washington, a large, 2- or 3-gallon
container labeled "beans" aroused suspicion when it turned up in
the parking of a Department of Social and Health Services
Building. Fearing it could be a bomb, workers called police, who
evacuated the building and brought in the state bomb squad. The
contents were too dense to be X-rayed clearly, so they used a
"disrupter" to blast a hole in the side of the can. A lot of white
beans spilled out of it.
* If only someone had spilled the beans sooner.
* Don't laugh: you don't realize how explosive three gallons of
beans can be.
* Also, some pork came out, so Muslim extremists are not
suspected.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
June 30, 2011
San Francisco Has All The
Bodybuilders - Men's Health magazine named Lexington,
Kentucky, as the most sedentary city in the US, followed by
Indianapolis and Jackson, Mississippi. It wasn't just Lexington's
aversion to hitting the gym, but the low amounts of physical
activity of any kind, like all the households that watched over 15
hours of cable TV a week and bought more than 11 video games a
year. The town also has an unusually high death rate from deep
vein thrombosis, or clots in the legs from inactivity.
Incidentally, the most physically active cities were Seattle, San
Francisco and Oakland.
* People in Oakland are always running. For their lives, but it's still
running.
* The only things that run in Kentucky are racehorses...And even
they have to be whipped.
* In Jackson, Mississippi, cream gravy is a beverage.
* Lexington residents are so furious, they'd call Men's Health and
cancel their subscriptions, if anyone there subscribed to Men's
Health. Besides, it would mean pressing all those exhausting phone
buttons...
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
June 29, 2011
You Must Be Jerking Me Around
- As part of the 14th annual Beer and Wild Food Challenge in New
Zealand, the Green Man Pub in Wellington is offering a drink
called the Hoihoi tatea, an apple-infused horse semen drink.
Health officials say it's not harmful, but it is expensive, since
20 vials of horse semen cost $300. Head chef Jason Varley admits
tasting it and says it's “okay” and “like custard.” Varley says
most men won't try it, but women seem to like it. Some joke that
they're worried they'll have a baby with a long face. Still, the
owner said there have been no repeat customers. He said, “No one's
addicted to it, let's put it that way.”
* Well, some women claim they're addicted to it, but once they're
in a relationship, they lose their taste for it.
* Men buy one for their dates, and if they'll swallow that, the
men ask them for a second date.
* Some men claim they don't like it, then come back afterhours for
a quick one.
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
June 28, 2011
"I Love You, Woman!" -
Despite what women say about men's fear of commitment, an MIT
study proves them wrong. First, they interviewed students and
passerby to ask whether they thought men or women say, "I love
you," first in a relationship. 64 percent said women were most
likely to say it first. Then they asked people which person
actually said, "I love you," first in their own relationships. In
up to 70 percent of cases, it was the man. And on average, men
considered saying it 42 days before the woman first considered
saying it.
* The man wanted to have sex 42 days before the woman did.
* Just because a man says, "I love you," that hardly means he's
ready to commit.
* The woman was still considering whether someone better might
come along.
**************************************************************
Monday,
June 27, 2011
Chew On This -
Swedish consumer groups are criticizing the makers of Vigo, a new
chewing gum that comes in three varieties: Focus, Active and
Beauty. They allegedly give the chewer better concentration, more
stamina or better looks. A consumer advocate called it "the most
stupid product that has ever hit the shelves," and said he can't
imagine what ingredients in a chewing gum could make you more
attractive.
* I don't know, but I wouldn't kick those Double-Mint Twins out of
bed.
* They don't offer a gum that raises your IQ because that would be
very bad for business.
* They swear their Focus gum does make you smarter...You just look
dumber because you're chewing gum.
* If chewing gum could actually alter your body and personality,
I'd stay away from Juicy Fruit.
**************************************************************
Friday,
June 24, 2011
Next: Obese Kids On Twinkie
Wrappers - The FDA introduced a series of grisly, graphic
health warnings that will have to start appearing on cigarette
packs by September, 2012. Since teenagers ignored the written
warnings, the government will try to scare them with cigarette
packs that carry such gruesome photos as a nasty set of teeth with
blotchy lips, a baby in intensive care, and a shirtless,
yellow-skinned man with a row of staples embedded in his chest.
* Every teenager in America will say, "Cool!" * Are those packs of
cigarettes or the cover of a Marilyn Manson CD?
* Do they realize that the things today's teenagers love most are
vampires, zombies and body piercings?
* Well, they have a point: babies shouldn't smoke.
* This wouldn't be necessary if teenagers could read.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
June 23, 2011
Beauty Is Skin Deep, So
Let's Skin Him - The dating website for hotties,
BeautifulPeople.com, was struck with what's been dubbed a "Shrek"
virus last month and allowed 30,000 people to join who were not up
to the site's high standards for attractiveness. As director Greg
Hodge put it, many of the new members "were no oil painting." Web
masters have since contacted the "unfortunate" new members to tell
them they're being dumped. Hodge expressed "sincere regret," and
said "it must be a bitter pill to swallow, but better to have had
a slice of heaven than never to have tasted it at all."
* What an ugly thing to say.
* It must be devastating to know that you have no chance of dating
guys like him.
* Some were oil
paintings, only by Picasso...Both eyes were on the same side of
their heads.
* Allow me to point out that they might look good, but they're the
ones with a virus.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
June 22, 2011
Waffle House Blue Plate Special
- Researchers in Japan claim they've come up with a way
to make a synthetic meat substitute from human feces. It involves
extracting the basic elements of food - protein, carbohydrates and
fats - from sewage and recombining them. Theoretically, it would
be no more disgusting than eating plants fertilized with manure,
but the very idea is enough to gross people out. Kansas State
University food safety Prof. Douglas Powell said, "In the food
safety world, we say, 'Don't eat poop. But if you're going to,
make sure it's cooked." And if it weren't cooked, Powell said, "I
wouldn't touch it."
* Just hearing about it, I may never eat meatloaf again.
* They plan to call it "Soylent Brown."
* It might be edible, but it tastes like crap.
* The difference is that with plants, they wash off the manure.
* One side effect: it goes through you like poop through a goose.
* They got the idea when they tasted Michelob Ultra and thought it
was recycled from pony pee.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Too Many Schweddy Balls -
A survey of 2,000 British men by the weight loss company Lighter
Life For Men found that many are in terrible shape, but not
interested in doing anything about it. 30 percent drink at least
three times a week, 21 percent pay no attention to what they eat,
and one in 10 never exercise. But 52 percent said they'd only lose
weight if their doctors ordered them to, 36 percent would only do
it if they grew man boobs, and 35 percent wouldn't lose weight
unless they were unable to have sex for an extended period of
time. And that could happen: 43 percent of the men said they were
so fat, they hadn't seen their own penises without using a mirror
in the past two years. 16 percent couldn't remember the last time
they'd seen their own penis.
* Or that their wives had seen it.
* You mean they haven't stored any photos of it on the Internet?
* 10 percent can't even find it in all the folds of fat.
* The real mystery: How does "Lighter Life For Men" stay in
business?
* Judging from this, I'm surprised it isn't British women who are
drinking at least three times a week.
**************************************************************
Monday,
June 20, 2011
Keeping Up With The Royal
Wedding - Kim Kardashian and New Jersey Net Kris
Humphries have registered for wedding gifts at the posh Beverly
Hills boutique, Gearys. If you'd like to send them a gift, they
need an $8,000 crystal vase, a $925 water pitcher, an $840
ashtray, and 18 Hermes dinner plates that cost $670 each. If
you're on a budget, the napkins they picked are just $12.50
apiece, but each one also needs a $150 napkin ring.
* Even Prince William and Kate found the same ones for $135 at
Target.
* You'd think someone who stars on a reality show would be more in
touch with reality.
* Kim Kardashian could've gotten a lot of money to register at
K-Mart.
* The most expensive item of all: a butt-warmer in Kim's size.
* The $840 ashtray is to toss hundred-dollar bills into as they
burn them.
**************************************************************
Friday,
June 17, 2011
"Next Fall On TLC!" -
A 62-year-old Plainfield, Illinois, woman was found not guilty of
battery in a fight with her sister over the thermostat. They share
a house, and one felt a little warm, while the other was a little
chilly. They kept bumping the thermostat up and down between 67
and 68 degrees until it turned into an argument, then punches flew
that left the other sister with a black eye. But the judge let her
go because he couldn't tell which one started it, and they've
apparently reached a truce over the thermostat.
* It's now on 67-and-a-half degrees...So they're both equally
uncomfortable.
* Kardashian sisters: this is your future!
* Their 75 cats actually prefer it a little warmer.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
June 16, 2011
Men's Health: An Oxymoron
- A nationwide survey of men by Men's Health Network
found that many wait six months to a year after experiencing
medical symptoms to see a doctor. An MHN spokesman called it "big
boys don't cry" syndrome. He says males are taught from their
first skinned knee at age five to "tough it out." In fact, the
poll found that 70 percent of men say they find it easier to care
for their cars than for their own bodies.
* Well, they do make sure that both their cars and their bodies
carry a spare tire.
* That's because their cars are much more likely to impress women.
* By the time you're 40, your body is out of warranty, so you
might as well just junk it.
* Men experience skinned knees again when they crawl into the
emergency room.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
June 15, 2011
Artful Dodgers -
A New York state appellate court has ruled that lapdancing is not
tax-exempt. The case involves an "adult juice bar" in Latham
called Nite Moves that was billed nearly $125,000 in unpaid sales
tax, but they argued that their dances fall under the category of
"dramatic or musical arts performances," which are tax-exempt.
They even brought in a cultural anthropologist who researched
exotic dance and visited the club, and she testified that the
dances were "unequivocally live dramatic choreographed
performances." But the five-judge panel ruled that lap dancing
doesn't rise to the level of art and the club is not an arts
venue, it's a taxable "place of amusement."
* Rule of thumb: if you're paid with a check from a foundation,
it's art; if you're paid with singles tucked into your G-string,
it's amusement.
* The judges decided that it couldn't be art because it was much
too interesting.
* The cultural anthropologist came to her conclusions after
watching Britney Spears videos.
* Now they'll have to dance naked because they just lost their
shirts.
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
June 14, 2011
Or So He Says - A
video depicting a young Dutch girl getting pictures of her 152
Facebook friends tattooed on her arms is a hoax. It sparked
outrage after CNN.com picked it up. But the tattoo artist in
Rotterdam claims it was just a publicity stunt for his tattoo
parlor. He said the Facebook friends tattoo was only temporary and
will disappear in a couple of days.
* Just like your actual Facebook friends.
* No, wait, that's a mistranslation...He meant a couple of
“decades.”
* It could be worse...Imagine if you'd tattooed your MySpace fans
on your body!
**************************************************************
Monday,
June 13, 2011
It Gives You A Buzz -
Cicadas are noisy, annoying insects that emerge in swarms about
every 13 years, but Sparky's Homemade Ice Cream in Columbia,
Missouri, found a way to get rid of some of them. They were
offering cicada-flavored ice cream made with actual cooked
cicadas. But the health department said that while the food code
doesn't directly address cicada ice cream, they "advised against
it." The shop had already sold out the first batch, and they
canceled plans to make a second. But they posted a sign promising
that it would return when the cicadas return in 2024.
* Mark your calendars!
* Until then, if you want a summer treat that's full of bug parts,
have a hot dog.
* It kind of makes you wonder what the chunks in "Chunky Monkey"
ice cream really are.
**************************************************************
Friday,
June 10, 2011
Rent My Box - The
Swiss are so well organized, they've found a way to tidy up dirty
sex. Prostitution is legal in Zurich, but officials don't like
women soliciting all over. So they've proposed restricting
prostitution to three parts of town and installing booths where
hookers could welcome clients discretely out of site of passersby.
The booths will be built to accommodate six sex workers and their
customers. They've been dubbed "sex boxes."
* Great, they've managed to make illicit sex as much fun as
working in a cubicle.
* So if you're fat or claustrophobic, no sex for you!
* For $10 extra, the hooker will pretend to be a flight attendant
who's doing it in an airline bathroom.
* They would ban prostitution, but they don't want horny tourists
molesting the Swiss cheese.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
June 9, 2011
Paris Hilton Explained -
Police in Enfield, Connecticut, got a call from a resident
alarmed after seeing about 15 models in bikinis and zombie makeup.
They explained that they were posing for a "zombie bikini"
calendar, but they voluntarily moved to another street to soothe
the alarmed neighbor.
* The neighbor shouldn't be frightened of zombies...It's his other
male neighbors who plan to kill him.
* The caller had to be a woman. A man would've just thought, "Wow!
Flesh-eating zombies are HOT!"
* You don't have to worry about zombie models eating your brain.
They're always on a diet.
* So this will show cadaverous, brain-dead women in bikinis? How
is that different from any other fashion model calendar?
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
June 8, 2011
Employees at Frontier Airlines in Milwaukee called a hazmat team
after a flight attendant found a white powder on the
diaper-changing table in a plane's bathroom. It was determined to
be baby powder...Ironically, the
only thing found on a diaper-changing table that doesn't require
a hazmat team... The only terror the passengers suffered was
being stuck on an airplane with a baby.
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
June 7, 2011
Hey, Leave Some Beer For
The Kids! - 33-year-old Tina Gonzales of East Naples,
Florida, is facing charges involving burglary, assault and
disorderly intoxication after several hours of drinking hard
liquor and beer at her young son's birthday party. A neighbor says
that Gonzales entered her neighbor's apartment without permission,
refused repeated orders to leave, then threw a piece of her son's
birthday cake at the neighbor's head, punched her, pinned her to
the ground and bit her on the arm, leaving large bite marks. As
evidence, deputies noted that the teeth marks and gaps match
Gonzales' teeth, while others who were present "either had no
teeth at all, or only a few."
* And they weren't talking about the children.
* Just out of curiosity, did they also search this building for
meth labs?
* In her defense, who among us can get through an entire
children's birthday party complete sober?
**************************************************************
Monday,
June 6, 2011
Gross Misrepresentation -
The Chinese media company Chaoxian.com.cn released the results of
a North Korean survey listing the “Happiness Index” or “Gross
National Happiness” of every nation. Surprisingly, North Korea
wasn't number one. According to this survey, the happiest place on
Earth was China. North Korea came in second, followed by Cuba,
Iran and Venezuela. South Korea came in at #152, and America at
#203.
* Out of 203.
* It was a survey of Kim Jong-Il's family.
* So Disneyland would only be the happiest place on Earth if
everyone were forced to work in the mines like the Seven Dwarfs.
* In North Korea, all it takes is a handful of rice to make people
deliriously happy!
**************************************************************
Friday,
June 3, 2011
Norwegian Wood - A
Norwegian organization is using pornography to save the planet.
The group "F--- For Forest" or "FFF" has about 1300 members
worldwide. They take photos and videos of themselves having sex,
usually outdoors, and sell them on the Internet with the proceeds
going to save the trees. They say that since 2000, they've raised
$345,000. They say, "Saving the planet is sexy, so why not get
turned on for a good cause?" But some groups refuse their money,
like the World Wildlife Fund. A spokesperson said, "We are in
favor of love and nature, but not this version."
* They also believe in population control.
* It's just a little too natural...especially
when they do it with coyotes.
* There's nothing they love more than the inspiring sight of
morning wood.
* Charlie Sheen could rehabilitate his image by saving the entire
Brazilian rain forest.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
June 2, 2011
Plus As A Dinner Date,
She Wouldn't Eat Much - If you're a woman who's lost
weight, don't brag to other women about it. University of
Liverpool researchers showed test subjects a photo of a slim young
woman with a short bio. When women were told she used to be
overweight, then asked to judge her personality, they ranked her
lower in friendliness, self-discipline and personal hygiene.
Researchers said it could be that because women compete with each
other in looks and slimness, they hunt for reasons to dislike
other women, and knowing she was once overweight gives them one.
But when men were told she used to be overweight, they liked her
more. They thought it meant she had flaws and didn't think she was
perfect, so she might be more friendly and approachable, and
they'd have a shot at dating her.
* In other words, they thought she might have really low
self-esteem.
* Well, maybe at one time she'd date them...Not so much anymore.
* She's probably free...It's not like she gets invited to “Girls'
Night Out.”
* Maybe the women were just ticked at her for doing what they
couldn't.
* So if you talk about your diet with your girlfriends and try to
hide your weight problem from men, you're doing it all backwards!
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
June 1, 2011
Tiger Woods-Approved! -
China's Golf Association is making some changes to women's golf,
but they're proving controversial. CGA VP Wang Liwei said,
"Women's golf is not all about competition. It's also about fresh
air, beautiful scenes and the young and dynamic girls." To stress
this, players are being asked to wear brightly colored shirts and
skirts, participate in a beauty contest, and pose in bikinis by a
pool to promote a tournament. Some call it sexist, but Wang said
women's golf badly needs a bigger audience, and the shy players
need to show a beautiful, confident side to the media. He added,
"Even the US LPGA is making moves to make women's golf more
charming and eye-catching."
* Like a wet Indigo Girls T-shirt contest.
* They're trying to find some really comfortable stiletto shoes
for them to wear.
* To stress the fresh air angle, the girls are being asked to
inhale deeply whenever the cameras are on them.
* This is what happens when you let Mr. Wang do your thinking for
you.
* Maybe the WNBA will finally adopt my suggestion: "Shirts Vs.
Skins."
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
May 31, 2011
Science!! - The
Senate's top watchdog on government waste, Republican Sen. Tom
Coburn, released a report blasting over $3 billion in questionable
projects funded by the National Science Foundation. They include
the creation of a "robot hoedown and rodeo;'" a robot that can
fold laundry; a virtual recreation of the 1964 World's Fair; a
Jell-O wrestling contest for NSF employees at the South Pole; a
study of event ticket prices on Stubhub.com; and a study of how
well sick shrimp hold up when running on a tiny treadmill. It
found that sick shrimp don't do as well on the treadmill as
healthy shrimp. That cost taxpayers $559,681.
* But...now we know!
* Know who else is stuck on a treadmill until they feel sick?
Taxpayers.
* Shrimp don't belong on treadmills, they belong on the barbie.
* They wanted to find out if Jell-O wrestling could be used to
generate heat.
* Most of these are stupid, but America's housewives would gladly
trade NASA for that robot that folds laundry.
**************************************************************
Friday,
May 27, 2011
And Yet, Her Agent Told
Her To Lose 10 Pounds - Former Sports Illustrated
swimsuit model Estella Warren, star of Tim Burton's "Planet of the
Apes," allegedly had too much to drink Monday night and crashed
her Prius into three parked cars in L.A. The blond hottie fled the
scene, but was caught by cops and charged with DUI. They say she
kicked a cop while resisting arrest and was hauled to jail. But
she's so thin, she slipped out of the handcuffs and tried to bolt
for the door. She's now facing charges of hit and run, DUI,
assault on a cop and felony escape. She was eventually released on
$100,000 bail.
* No jail could hold her anyway; she'd just walk between the bars.
* But she's a hot, blond celebrity in an L.A. court, so "Case
dismissed!"
* I say put her under house arrest with Lindsay Lohan, with a
webcam watching them at all times!
* Most models are so thin, they could use a handcuff for a
hula-hoop.
* Her lawyer is arguing that she should be freed because
she's socially responsible...She drives a Prius, for God's sakes!
**************************************************************
Thursday,
May 26, 2011
Mr. Bojangles, Dunce -
Jason Douglas Gross of Gastonia, North Carolina, was a passenger
in a minivan when the female driver pulled into the drive-thru of
a Bojangles chicken restaurant and ordered the chicken leg dinner.
When they got to the window, the clerk said they were out of
chicken legs and asked if she could substitute different parts.
She said Gross went berserk, twice asked, "You don't have any
f-ing legs?" He then said, "Here's an f-ing leg for you," and
slowly pulled down his jeans and then his underwear. He's facing
charges. The clerk said she expects rude behavior from some hungry
fast food customers, but this went beyond rude and will "be
forever engrained in my head."
* He definitely comes up short…on manners.
* If he thinks that's a third leg, he's got a very inflated
opinion of himself.
* He'd never try this at Burger King because he wouldn't dare try
to convince a woman that that's a Whopper.
* He was just showing her "the other white meat."
* He could end up in a penal institution.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
May 25, 2011
Get Stamped If You Want
Reentry - The Budapest insurance company Ergo, which is
part of Munich Re, the world's biggest re-insurer, is under fire
for holding a Roman-style orgy to reward its best salesmen. The
orgy was held in the historic Art Nouveau thermal baths and
involved 20 prostitutes with color-coded wristbands. Red
wristbands meant the woman would do anything for anyone, and white
wristbands meant they were reserved for the top salesmen and board
members. After each sex act, the women's arms were stamped to keep
track of how many times they'd been frequented. Ergo apologized,
calling the orgy a "serious violation" of company rules, and said
the managers and board members responsible no longer work there.
* But they didn't fire the salesmen because sales are through the
roof this year.
* Arnold Schwarzenegger may apply for their job.
* This gives new meaning to the term, "tramp stamp."
* Munich Re is like the European version of AIG, so they figured
throwing away money and screwing people was all part of a day's
work.
* Their risk assessment expert advised the men to wear three
condoms at once.
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
May 24, 2011
Goop For Brains - Gwyneth Paltrow is often mocked for
being out of touch with average people on her advice website
Goop.com, but she might have set a new standard with her tips for
wardrobe staples every woman needs for summer. They can be mixed
and matched to create six new looks that Gwyneth models. For
instance, you can pair a $785 Stella McCartney Jersey tank dress
with an $1840 silk blazer, a $1295 Chloe Bow clutch purse and $750
Mami sandals. Or reuse the blazer with a $515 Stella McCartney
denim shirt, $1775 Alaia shoes and a simple gray T-shirt. Total
cost of Gwyneth's basic summer wardrobe staples: $18,301.
* But you can reuse the
blazer!
* I didn't even know there was such a thing as a $3,000 gray
T-shirt.
* Gwyneth loves that she can spend so much less on clothes during
the summer.
* It's an entire website just for women who are married to rock
stars.
WEB LINK! See the clothes here.
**************************************************************
Monday,
May 23, 2011
Pants On The Ground -
31-year-old Marshall David Osbourne was arrested in Oklahoma City
on indecent exposure charges after someone saw a pair of legs
sticking out from behind a soda machine at a grocery store
entrance and allegedly discovered Osbourne with his pants down,
touching himself. Police hauled him out, took him to jail and
handcuffed him to a bench. The officer says he returned from
processing Osbourne to find him with his pants down, touching
himself on the jail bench. A second indecent exposure charge was
added.
* Along with a bill for cleaning the bench.
* Hey, they're the ones who started the sexy stuff by handcuffing
him to the bench!
* Masturbating behind a soda machine? He must think Fanta is short
for "Fantasizing."
* Coke is the Real Thing...Touching yourself behind a Coke machine
is the next best thing to the real thing.
**************************************************************
Friday,
May 20, 2011
Or If You're A Diet Chef
Client - The UK weight loss company Diet Chef surveyed
2,000 British women to ask at what age women should stop wearing
certain types of clothing. The results: they should give up
ponytails at 51, long hair at 53, leggings at 45, stilettos at 51
and miniskirts at 35. Also, they say women should not wear bikinis
after 47 or see-through blouses over 40.
* Before you agree with that, bear in mind that Diane Lane, Salma
Hayek, Halle Berry, Monica Belluci and Jennifer Aniston are all
over 40.
* Unless you're Helen Mirren, then you shouldn't wear see-through
blouses or bikinis over 80.
* How about a different standard? Don't wear bikinis if your hip
are over 47.
* By 54, you should wear nothing but floor-length housecoats that
close with Velcro.
* How about if women stop wearing miniskirts, stilettos and
see-through blouses if they're under 14?
**************************************************************
Thursday,
May 19, 2011
Ding-Dong, The Witch Is Dead -
Dorothy Evans of Abergavenny, Wales, has died in her sleep at 84.
She was one of the oldest people ever charged with antisocial
behavior and was described by a judge as the "original neighbor
from Hell." For eight years, she terrorized her neighbors,
swearing at them, dropping her underpants, taking a sledgehammer
to their wall, and telling their kids she was a witch and would
put a spell on them. The judge finally banned her from coming
within a mile of her own house, just to give her neighbors a break
from her. One neighbor said, "I hope she rests in peace and that
we can spend the rest of our lives in peace."
* The whole neighborhood came to the funeral, just to make sure
she was really dead.
* People who saw her drop her underpants took a sledgehammer to
their own eyes.
* Worst of all was the constantly blasting Susan Boyle CDs.
* Her neighbors called her "the Martha Stewart of Abergavenny."
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
May 18, 2011
Waxing Will Never Wane
- Inflation in Brazil is rising at the highest level in 15 years,
and over the past year, that's led to a 12.4 percent hike in the
price of bikini waxes. This is viewed as a catastrophe because the
climate keeps women in bikinis and miniskirts year-round. There
are 90 waxing parlors in Sao Paulo alone, and all their costs are
rising. One salon owner said some women are cutting back on
haircuts to make ends meet, but not bikini waxes. She said,
"Brazilian women might let their hair grow longer, but they'll
never stop getting waxed."
* Even if they think it's a painful rip-off.
* They don't mind long, flowing hair, as long as it's not coming
out of their bikinis.
* If they didn't get waxed regularly, they wouldn't feel like full
Brazilians.
* Nobody wants to talk about the high cost of bikini waxes...It's
like the gorilla in the room, in a bikini.
* Until now, most Brazilians thought "inflation" meant getting
butt implants.
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
May 17, 2011
Malled By A Dogma -
Saudi Arabia's strict rules against the sexes mixing in public
usually come down hardest on women. But now, young single men are
crying foul over a Jeddah shopping mall's ban on men unless
they're accompanied by a female family member. They say it's to
keep men from harassing female shoppers. But young men say it's a
hassle to fetch their moms or sisters whenever they want to buy
one item, even if the mall is nearly empty. One mom agreed that
it's also a pain for her to be forced to accompany her son every
time he goes shopping; but then, she also has to make him go with
her when she shops or else she gets harassed.
* By who? All the men have their mothers with them!
* But she has to make him go with her anyway because somebody has
to drive.
* They're afraid men will be ogling the women through the windows
at Burqas R Us.
* Do you think they'll ever realize that the only people harassing
anybody are the idiots running the mall?
**************************************************************
Monday,
May 16, 2011
Osama Bin Writin' -
Anonymous US officials told the AP that Navy Seals found Osama bin
Laden's hand-written diary. It's reportedly filled with his plans
and ideas for more attacks on Americans, like targeting smaller
towns and derailing trains.
* And in between, a lot of insecure rambling about his two-inch
penis.
* You can see why he turned out this way when you read the early
pages about how he was stood up at the prom.
* Turns out he was also deeply into scrapbooking.
* His sons claim it was a violation of his civil rights for the
Navy SEALS to shoot the little lock off his diary.
**************************************************************
Friday, May 13, 2011
Now You're Cookin' With
Gas! - Researchers at the University Hospital of
Singapore discovered a possible natural alternative to Viagra.
They're developing an impotence treatment based on hydrogen
sulphide, the gas that smells like rotten eggs and that schoolboys
use to make stink bombs. Studies have shown that the smell of the
gas boosts blood flow to the penis and can help men have sex.
* One problem: the smell of the gas also stops women from having
sex with you.
* Trust me, I can attest that stinky gas does not help your sex life.
* So the smell of rotten eggs inspires men to have sex? That must
be the theory behind Cher's perfume.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
May 12, 2011
And 300 Times Every
Sleeping Hour - Prof. Terri Fisher of Ohio State
University disproved the cliche that men think about sex every
seven seconds. She asked 163 students of both sexes to carry a
chart and mark every time they thought about sex, food or sleep.
She found that men think of sex about once every waking hour. Men
think about food and sleep more often than sex, and they think
about all three more often than women do. Fisher said, "Men are
more aware of need-related states, such as being hungry or tired
or sexually aroused, and focus on those. They are also better at
detecting these states in themselves than women and more willing
to express their thoughts."
* As in, "Make me a sandwich."
* When you put it that way, being a selfish pig is really a
positive thing. Women should be more like that.
* Maybe men just failed to mark down all the times they think
about sex because their pens ran out of ink.
* When a man thinks of "Sex-Food-Sleep," he's thinking about the
entire sexual experience.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
May 11, 2011
Baloney - PETA
holds protests of meat eating by showing up outside
slaughterhouses nearly naked with just their privates concealed,
covering their bodies in fake blood, lying on trays and wrapping
plastic wrap around themselves, so they resemble big cuts of meat.
They say they're challenging people to think about what "meat" is.
But Milwaukee Alderman Bob Donovan objected to their permit to
protest Friday outside the Cargill meat company, saying it would
shock and upset the public. The City Attorney overruled him.
PETA's lawyer sniped that someone needs to introduce Donovan to
the First Amendment. Donovan replied that PETA needs to be
introduced to common sense, and he suggested they learn about it
while "enjoying a nice steak sandwich."
* Don't mess with him when you're dressed like a package of meat;
he'll carry you back to his giant barbecue grill.
* PETA might have a point: the people who work at the
slaughterhouse are really hard to gross out.
* Seeing PETA members dressed as cuts of meat does make you
think...It makes you think, "Finally, a use for PETA members!"
* Is it really that wise to disguise yourself as a large piece of
meat at a business where they make sausage?
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
May 10, 2011
Tiana Is A Girl's Name?
Crap! - Yesterday, the Social Security Administration
released its list of the most popular American baby names of 2010.
For the second year in a row, the #1 names were Jacob and
Isabella. Pop culture continues to have a big influence on
children's names. Some of the rising names include Tiana (from
Disney's "The Princess And The Frog"), Kellan (after Kellan Lutz,
star of the "Twilight" movies), Knox (after one of Brad Pitt and
Angelina Jolie's twins), and Maci and Bentley (after Maci Bookout
and her son Bentley, from the reality show, "Teen Mom"). But in a
sad sign of passing time, for the first time since 1954, the name
"Elvis" failed to make the top 1,000 baby names.
* Which is too bad, because if your kid was named Elvis, he could
beat the snot out of anyone named Knox or Bentley.
* But it is in the top 10 dog names.
* I don't know if I want to live in a world where there are more
Snookis than Elvises.
* Maci and Bentley are so popular because that's what all the
unwed teenage mothers name their babies.
* It's a lot easier to compile this list in the Middle East...The
only name on it is Mohammed.
**************************************************************
Monday,
May 9, 2011
Not Original Factory Equipment -
Police in Jackson, Michigan, were called to the parking lot of
Potter's Gentleman's Club about 2 am, on a report of a
disturbance. A 23-year-old man had attempted to leave when a
stripper chased after him, claiming he had failed to pay her for
lap dances. Witnesses say he denied owing her money and tried to
drive away, but the woman opened his car door and held on tight.
She was "half-dragged, half-swung" between the door and the car
has he continued to drive a short distance. No arrests were made,
but the man was cited for driving on a suspended license.
* And for having an unsecured, free-swinging woman.
* She wanted to charge him for the laps they did around the
parking lot.
* Her stripper name is "Tenacious DeDe."
* Luckily, she has built-in Triple-E airbags.
* Once again, why are these places called "gentleman's clubs"?
**************************************************************
Friday,
May 6, 2011
Too Much Crab Grass
- Police in Middletown, New Jersey, report that a man went into a
Sears store to return a weed whacker. When he was told that the
garden section was closed and he'd have to come back later, he
began yelling and refused to leave. Clerks called police, who told
him he'd have to leave. As they were escorting him out, he
allegedly hit one officer with the weed whacker and had to be
subdued by several cops. He was held on $17,500 bail after being
arrested on various charges. They include aggravated assault on a
police office and unlawful possession of a weapon: the Sears weed
whacker.
* His lawyer entered an insanity plea...His client is obviously a
wack job.
* Ironically, you know what would calm him down? Some weed.
* He must've been out wacking a patch of loco weed.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
May 5, 2011
My Heart Bleeds For Them
- A sex survey by Australia's University of New South
Wales confirmed some stereotypes but destroyed another. As
expected, 57 percent of men between age 34 and 44 want more sex,
and 50 percent of men age 55 to 64 want more. Only about half as
many women as men in those older age groups want more sex. But
surprisingly, only 31 percent of men age 16 to 24 want more sex.
In fact, 12 percent of young men said they wanted less sex, the
highest of any age group. The researchers say it disproves the
myth that young men are dying for more sex. In fact, many are
overwhelmed by aggressive modern girls pushing them into
relationships.
* Allow me to give them some advice from the voice of experience:
"Get it while you can!"
* They should do what we did and learn to take matters into their
own hands.
* Maybe the young men want less sex because they're the ones doing
it with the 55- to 64-year-old women.
* How come when I was 18, the only thing girls wanted more of was
cute shoes?
**************************************************************
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
But Where Will I Buy
Pashminas And Bacon?! - Not only is Oprah Winfrey's TV
show coming to an end, but her production company announced that
shortly after that, Chicago's two Oprah Stores will also shut
down. They specialize in Oprah-related apparel and souvenirs, plus
they support a charity called "Oprah's Closet" by reselling
clothes that actually once belonged to Oprah.
* They have EVERY size.
* The two Oprah stores combined aren't as big as Oprah's actual
closet.
* It's like the Disney Store, only instead of Mickey Mouse ears,
they sell Barack Obama ears.
* They'll be replaced by two Jerry Springer stores...Well,
actually, they're just sex shops.
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
May 3, 2011
To The Moon, Alice! -
Space Adventures of Virginia has already sent seven private
citizens to the space station for a charge of $20-to-$35 million
each. Now, they're planning the first private trips to the moon,
starting in 3 to 5 years. The spacecraft wouldn't land on the
moon, but passengers would get to travel around it and see the
dark side close up. The trip would take about a week, and they
already have one reservation. They say they just need one more to
move forward. That's because tickets will cost $150 million each.
* Plus $25 for each piece of luggage.
* Wow! How much for the return trip?
* Considering the price of gas, that's what a flight to Newark
will cost in 3 to 5 years.
* They're going to be really ticked to pay that much, then
discover you can't actually see the dark side of the moon because IT'S DARK!
**************************************************************
Monday,
May 2, 2011
Magnus Dopus - A
researcher in London's Royal Society of Chemistry archives has
discovered a previously unknown guidebook to women, written in
1505. It's believed to have been written by theologian and
"scientist" Albertus Magnus, to help priests understand and avoid
women. It was progressive in its day, when women were often put to
death or tortured, but it wasn't very accurate. The book described
females as "failed males," whose pregnancy cravings are caused by
"evil humours." It says that if you want to know if a woman is a
virgin, make her sniff a lettuce, and if she then needs to go to
the bathroom, she is "corrupted." The book also claims that during
their time of the month, women can kill animals with just a look.
* Okay, so he got one right...
* Not just animals! Husbands, too!
* If she has to run straight to the bathroom, maybe the lettuce is
corrupted.
* Another weakness of women: they're very superstitious.
* This is the same book priests still use to understand women.
VIDEO LINK! We know who really wrote
this book (check the 2:10 mark).
**************************************************************
Friday,
April 29, 2011
Crafty, Man -
Cincinnati police sergeant Robert McDonough was fired last week
after pleading no contest to public indecency in 2010. McDonough
was caught on security video last May, exposing himself to people
in Sears. He was identified because he used his credit card to
make a purchase during the same visit. He escaped jail due to
overcrowding, but he got probation, a $250 fine, a ban from all
Sears stores, and he was moved to a desk job until he could be
fired. Apparently, he's an amateur social scientist. He claimed
that he had pulled his zipper down "in an attempt to determine who
would advise him that his zipper was down."
* Answer: EVERYBODY.
* He was testing the theory that you can never find anyone to help
you at Sears.
* All things considered, the cops thought the safest place to put
him was behind a desk.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
April 28, 2011
How About "Mother's
Little Helper"? - There are so many wines these days
that they try to invent attention-getting names, like "Cleavage
Creek" and "Big Red Pecker" (with a rooster on the label). Now,
the goofy names have sparked a federal lawsuit, with makers of
"Mommyjuice" wine wanting a ruling that they are not violating the
trademark of "Mommy's Time Out" wine. Both wines target overworked
moms: the label of Mommyjuice suggests moms "tuck your kids into
bed, sit down and have a glass of Mommyjuice. Because you deserve
it." "Mommy's Time Out" claims the similar names create confusion
in the mind of the consumer, but the makers of Mommyjuice say that
"mommy" is a generic term.
* I thought "Mommyjuice" referred to breast milk.
* What if they changed "Mommyjuice" to "Mommy Juiced"?
* The kind of mommies they're targeting would buy a case of each.
* If their consumers are confused, it's probably because they're
drunk.
* I prefer Cleavage Creek Wine...it's a luscious, full-bodied wine
that comes in big jugs.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
April 27, 2011
Carrying A Torch -
Kevin Robert Theriault is facing three charges each of public
sexual indecency and indecent exposure in Tempe, Arizona. A woman
who dresses up as the Statue of Liberty and stands on the corner
to draw attention to the Liberty Income Tax preparation service
complained to police that Theriault had unzipped his pants and
masturbated while staring at her. She said he'd done it three
times in the past three weeks. Police set up a sting operation and
waited. They busted him when he returned to the parking lot and
did it again while staring at the woman in the Statue of Liberty
costume. After his arrest, he told police that he just wanted to
go home and do his taxes.
* Wouldn't that be cruel and unusual punishment?
* The IRS agents will draw straws to see who has to touch his tax
form.
* He couldn't help it; when he sees Lady Liberty, he just feels so
FREE!
* His lawyer claims his tingly parts were yearning to breathe
free.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
In Your Facial - A
Chinese-language film billed as the first 3D porn movie has opened
in Hong Kong. "3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy" drew packed houses
on its first day, shattering the opening day record set by James
Cameron's "Avatar." The producer said, "People have always thought
that you need 3D technology for this kind of content. So people
were very curious."
* They just wanted to see the first Chinese product that wasn't
made by 12-year-old children.
* Finally, a porn movie with depth.
* You know, there are some things you see in movies that I really
don't want to be "in my
face."
* This will give James Cameron something for shoot for with
"Avatar 2."
**************************************************************
Monday,
April 25, 2011
That's What Their Hygienists Are
For - Dentists Dentists in Ontario, Canada, are
petitioning for a change in a provincial law that bars dentists
from having sex with any patient. They say it means they can't
have sex with their own spouses if they give them dental
treatments. One orthodontist wrote a tongue-in-cheek article for
the Oral Health Journal suggesting that dentists have their
spouses wear a fake mustache or beard to their dental offices, and
at home, that they lock the bedroom door and cover all the windows
with black paper.
* They're Canadians; they do that anyway.
* Does it count if it's oral...................surgery?
* Oral sex is okay, as long as you rinse and spit afterwards.
* There's another petition to keep the ban on dentists having sex
with their spouses, but it's mostly signed by dentists' spouses.
**************************************************************
Friday,
April 22, 2011
Potsie Doesn't Have A
Potsie - Former "Happy Days" cast members Erin "Joanie"
Moran, Anson "Potsie" Williams, Donnie "Ralph Malph" Most and
Marion "Mrs. Cunningham" Ross are joining with Tom Bosley's estate
to sue CBS and Paramount for $10 million. The show is still rerun
worldwide, but they say they've never seen a cent of the promised
merchandise royalties from being on clothing, games, mugs,
greeting cards, dolls, lunchboxes and more. CBS claims they're
only owed about $9,000 each. But Ross said they realized how they
were being ripped off when her house was being foreclosed on while
people kept remarking on how much money she must be making from
being on the new "Happy Days" slot machine.
* It's one slot machine that never pays off.
* If she wants money, just get Fonzie to tap the slot machine.
* You know the shark the Fonz jumped? He's their lawyer.
* You mean Anson Williams didn't get rich off his record albums?
* Ron Howard has a much better deal...He gets a royalty every time
a bald guy wears a baseball cap.
**************************************************************
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Earning Her Bones -
In an interview with Harper's Bazaar, Lady Gaga finally explained
the prosthetic horns she's been seen sporting on her forehead,
cheeks and shoulders. The writer says the only tense moment came
when he asked her about it, and she insisted, "They're not
prosthetics. They're my bones.... They've always been inside of
me, but I have been waiting for the right time to reveal to the
universe who I truly am. They come out when I'm inspired." Asked
if she might encourage her fans to alter their looks in the same
way, Gaga replied, "We all have these bones! They're the light
from inside of us."
* When she calls her fans "little monsters," she must mean it
literally.
* This is like when Michael Jackson insisted that was his real
face.
* I don't believe her horns are natural...I could believe she's
naturally horny.
* For this one issue, Harper's Bazaar will just be called
"Bizarre."
**************************************************************
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Lady Libertine - The U.S. Post Office was embarrassed
after a stamp collector called to ask if they were aware that
their stamp honoring one of the great symbols of America, the
Statue of Liberty, didn't depict the real Lady Liberty. It's
actually a photo of the half-size, fiberglass and Styrofoam
replica outside the New York-New York Casino in Las Vegas.
Officials said they won't recall the stamp; they'll just change
the description in their catalog and live with the mistake.
Naturally, it delighted the casino owner, MGM Resorts, which is
now the first Vegas casino on a U.S. Postage stamp. They said
everyone thought it was honoring just one great American
institution, but it was actually honoring two.
* Liberty and cheap buffets.
* How could they not tell the difference? The Vegas Lady Liberty
is topless.
* The New York Lady Liberty is raising her arm to hold high the
torch of freedom...The Vegas one is raising her arm to pull down a
slot machine handle.
* Wait a minute: the real Statue of Liberty was a gift from
France...Are we SURE it's not fiberglass and Styrofoam, too?
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
April 19, 2011
He's The Pope Of Chili Town! -
It was just last December that the British Naga Viper was named
the world's hottest pepper, but it's already been dethroned.
Australian farmer Marce de Wit has taken the prize with his
Trinidad Scorpion Butch T. He credits its power to a fertilizer he
calls "worm juice" because it's a liquid run-off from a worm farm.
The Butch T has a heat rating of 1.46 million Scofield heat units.
A jalapeno is only 5,000. It's so hot, it has to be handled with
protective gloves, and workers wear chemical masks and body suits
to protect them from the fumes when they make salsa with it.
* The most insane part of this story: "They make SALSA with it!"
* If you think that's bad, imagine the fumes that are emitted after you eat it.
* Eat that salsa, and you'll soon be a worm farm yourself.
* It's so hot, Indian people can only eat three at a sitting.
* The Naga Viper was just fertilized with snake venom.
**************************************************************
Monday, April 18, 2011
Flying With Harpo Marx -
Staffers at Virgin Atlantic Airlines were surveyed about the
strangest things people had tried to check in as luggage. One
couple tried to bring on a souvenir of their holiday in Grenada: a
bag full of sand and seawater. Other things people have tried to
get onto planes: a car engine, a bath tub, a dead cow, a tarantula
hidden in a lady's coat, a giant wheel of cheese, and a bag of
cutlery stolen from a previous Virgin Airlines flight.
* That would come in handy for carving up the dead cow.
* That lady had also been to Grenada, and she didn't know there was a tarantula
in her coat.
* So apparently, all those full-body cavity searches are working.
* The bathtub was because the moist towelettes just don't do the
job.
* When you get on a plane these days, it might be a good idea to
bring a spare engine along.
* In response to this, Virgin has just added a $25 fee for each
dead cow.
**************************************************************
Friday, April 15, 2011
It's Shrinkage! -
The Phallological Museum, or museum of penises, in the tiny town
of Husavik in Northern Iceland, finally has its first human penis.
The museum has everything from tiny animal penises in jars to a
67-inch sperm whale penis, but this is its first human specimen.
The pickled penis was donated by former tourism worker Pall
Arason, who recently died at 95. The museum owner said said
several organ donors have volunteered, but Arason was the first to
die. He said, "I've been waiting for this guy for 15 years."
* It's hard to imagine anyone wanting the penis of a decrepit old
man who isn't Hugh Hefner.
* Not many guys are willing to show their penises in a place
that's as cold as northern Iceland.
* His last request: "Don't display it next to the sperm whale's."
* Why didn't he just go dumpster-diving at a sex-change clinic?
* It's the only one he has now, but eventually, he'll have his
pick of a peck of pickled peckers.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
April 14, 2011
First Blue President -
President Obama seems to be in a remorseful mood. He told Hearst
magazine editors that he's not a golf addict, but it's his only
way to get away for privacy. He said he misses being able to watch
people in Central Park, "I miss Saturday morning, rolling out of
bed, not shaving, getting into my car with my girls, driving to
the supermarket, squeezing the fruit, getting my car washed,
taking walks. I can't take a walk...I miss being anonymous."
* ...like Joe Biden.
* ...Going out for smokes...
* A lot of people miss him being anonymous, too.
* If it's any consolation, he can still squeeze the middle class.
* These days, if he squeezes the melons, word will get back to
Michelle.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
April 13, 2011
Take This Idea Back -
Spike TV is launching "Repo Games," a new reality show from the
producers of "Jersey Shore" that incorporates the reality of the
lousy economy. They send a TV crew along with the tow truck when a
car is repossessed and give the debtors a chance to win their car
back, free and clear. They just have to answer three out of five
questions on subjects that could range from science to pop culture
to technology.
* But Snooki wrote them, so they're all about tanning and
Jagermeister.
* I'm guessing that if they were experts on science and
technology, they wouldn't be having their 1998 Camrys repossessed.
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
April 12, 2011
Even Ghosts Hate Windows
- Last week, people across Asia celebrated the Ching Ming
festival, in honor of their dead ancestors. It's traditional to
burn paper replicas of gifts, with the idea that the smoke takes
the gifts to the departed. And the afterlife has really gone
high-tech. This year's hottest sellers were paper iPads, iPhones,
laptops and LCD TVs. Merchants say it was crazy, with all the
"ghost gadgets" completely selling out, especially the Apple
items.
* Well, of course: you ever try calling all the way from Heaven on
an AT&T phone?
* They're calling it the "Ka-Ching Festival."
* The ghost iPad is called the "I Dead."
* If the afterlife is filled with people yakking on iPhones and
tapping on iPads, can it really still be called "Heaven"?
**************************************************************
Monday,
April 11, 2011
Making Mountains Out Of
Molehills - Some parents at Shady Grove Elementary
School in Henrico, Virginia, are furious about last week's Career
Day. One of the visitors was a plastic surgeon who not only
explained what he does, he brought along a breast implant and let
the 9- and 10-year-olds feel it. Officials say the surgeon comes
every year, although this was apparently the first year he had
implant show-and-tell, and the kids found it informative. But some
parents called it shocking, appalling and inappropriate. One mom
said, "Career Day sure isn't what it once was."
* And all the dads said it's a hundred times better.
* Before I form an opinion, were the implants they felt just loose
or were they in his nurse's chest?
* It was inspiring and educational for all the girls who'd like a
career in show business.
* Call me old-fashioned, but I think the only breast implants
underage students should get to feel are in the teachers they're
having sex with.
**************************************************************
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Only If They Have Golf -
The Swedish magazine Amelia ran an ad for a blogger to cover
tourist resorts that advertise with them. It could be the best job
in the world. The editor says the ad for a "professional beach
tester" has gotten a huge response. It said that the job
requirements include swimming, lying on beaches, working overtime
to test drinks, getting full-body massages and the ability to do
nothing for extended periods of time.
* Why would Obama run for reelection when he's much better suited
for this job?
* I get the feeling the winner is going to be Snooki.
* The bad news: their biggest advertiser is Motel 6.
* Only one beach tester will be hired, and the rest will be told
to go pound sand.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
April 6, 2011
Hannah Montana Hides The
Banana - For perverts who waited anxiously for Miley
Cyrus to finally turn 18, good news: Pipedream Products has now
released an inflatable lookalike love doll called "Finally Miley."
They boast that it has "three achy love holes," and that the first
run sold out within 48 hours. They've previously marketed love
dolls that look like Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Britney Spears, Kim
Kardashian and other celebrities. Miley is said to be "disgusted."
The company hopes to sell as many more as possible before getting
the expected cease-and-desist order.
* Miley says that nobody should be allowed to reduce her to some
mindless, plastic sex object, other than herself!
* They like to think of it as "going the extra Miley."
* The Kim Kardashian is the most popular, even though it takes
three times longer to inflate.
* The Britney Spears blowup doll is very realistic, except that
it's much smarter than the real Britney.
* The Lady Gaga isn't that attractive, but it does come with both
sets of genitals.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Baptizing The Worm -
Philip Mockli is suing his hometown of Preston, Idaho, claiming
the Republican officials' ban on the sale of liquor by the drink
violates his religious freedom. Mockli is the founder and "Head
Honcho" of his own religion, the Ethereal Enigmatic Euphoric
Movement Toward Civilized Hedonism. He says they're being denied
the sacred rite of their religion to drink tequila shots in bars.
* This is always followed by the Passion Play, which is what they
call Jello wrestling.
* He really is living in his own private Idaho.
* The ritual is to drink tequila until you see God...or until you
can't remember what E.E.E.M.T.C.H. stands for.
**************************************************************
Monday,
April 4, 2011
I Thought Trojans Prevent
Things From Going Viral - The Kappa Sigma fraternity at
the University of Southern California has suspended a member after
he had sex with his girlfriend in broad daylight on the roof of
the 12-story School of Education building. It drew a crowd of
hundreds of gawkers, and photos and video soon went viral on the
Internet. The girlfriend doesn't attend USC. The frat suspended
him for "conduct unbecoming of a Kappa Sigma and a gentleman." A
USC spokesman told the Daily Trojan campus paper that they're
still investigating to determine if the student violated
university policies that prohibit unauthorized access to building
roofs.
* Apparently, he used the rear entrance.
* Hey, some guys just like being on top.
* Haven't they been punished enough? If you think carpet burn is
bad, try doing it on hot shingles.
* Why are they so upset about a student having sex when the school
paper is called the Daily Trojan?
* Having sex on a roof in broad daylight is unbecoming of a frat
member? I remember when that was what you had to do to get
initiated.
**************************************************************
Friday,
April 1, 2011
Christina Can’t Even Find
The Words - Someone is trying to sell the tabloids
hundreds of "provocative" photos of Christina Aguilera taken from
a digital storage card found in a French hotel room. There are
reportedly no nudes or sex shots, but they include shots of
Christina with two nude male strippers; dancing on a table;
drinking and smoking a cigar at a bachelorette party for Nicole
Richie, who's in a bikini with a male blow-up doll strapped to
her; Christina mimicking oral sex with a chocolate covered banana
at a theme park; and Christina and her son at a goat farm. So far,
nobody's bought them.
* Maybe if they removed the pictures of Nicole Ritchie in a
bikini...
* There's nothing really shocking, like a photo of her reading a
book.
* The thief hoped to find a picture of her in the bathtub, but
turns out she doesn't bathe.
* The one with the banana is labeled, "How I got my first
recording contract."
* She wasn't mimicking oral sex...These days, she just really
loves chocolate-covered bananas.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
March 31, 2011
Could We Just Ban Ugly
People From Having Sex? - In Alaska, a seven-member board
nominates state judges, and the governor has nominated Don Haase
("Hays") to fill a spot. But he ran into some trouble Monday under
questioning by Senate Democrats. They noted that he failed to
mention he used to lead the social conservative group Eagle Forum
Alaska. Asked if he agreed with them that adultery should be a
felony, he said maybe not a felony, but it should be illegal
because it hurts kids and spouses. And should premarital sex be
illegal? He said it should be up to the voters, but he'd vote to
make it a crime because of the spread of disease and the
likelihood that it could lead to violence. Haase insisted that he
would not let his beliefs influence his picks for judge.
* Although he might pick Judge Judy...She looks like she wouldn't
put up with any hanky-panky.
* Plus, it's Alaska, so you've gotta keep warm somehow.
* Democrats were appalled, although they kind of like the idea of
locking up Bristol Palin.
* Senate Democrats will compromise on a lot of things, but there's
no way they'll allow adultery to become illegal!
* If sex leads to violence, then you're really doing it wrong.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
The Brick Didn't Even Get
Laid - Madonna is facing lawsuits in Malawi and a lot of
bad publicity after canceling plans to build a $15 million school
there for poor girls. Locals were already furious at her for
allegedly skirting rules to adopt two Malawi kids and forcing a
village to move to make way for her elite school. She loaned the
fund millions and hit up fellow stars and Kabbalah backers for
more. But it all fell apart when the charity's executive director,
the partner of Madonna's former personal trainer, quit after it
was revealed that he and staffers had squandered $3.8 million on
salaries, golf memberships, chauffeured cars, offices and other
luxuries before the first brick was laid.
* How could anyone NOT trust
a
multimillion dollar project to the partner of their former
personal trainer?
* There's still $11 million left, but you can't build a school in
Malawi for that.
* Locals will build their own school and name it after
Madonna...It will be called "Scary White Witch Who Steals Our
Children and Destroys Our Villages" Elementary.
* Even if there's no school, they still learned a valuable lesson:
"Never trust rich white people."
**************************************************************
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Is The Only Cottage Cheese In
Your House On Your Thighs? - Americans might be fat, but
that doesn't mean we have to believe we're fat. Columbia
University researchers asked 111 moms and 111 kids to choose which
of several body size pictures was the closest match to their own.
Over 80 percent of obese and overweight moms and kids picked
bodies that were thinner than they really were. It suggests that
one reason there might be an obesity epidemic is that a lot of fat
people just don't realize they're fat.
* Of course they don't; only really skinny people think they're
fat.
* They seriously believe their pants shrunk 13 inches in the
washer.
* Maybe we could get George Lopez to do jokes about how much like
pigs they are. That might help.
* What if there were no photos that were as fat as they actually
were?
* 100 percent of dads think they're thinner than they really are.
**************************************************************
Monday, March 28, 2011
Who Cares? We're Extinct!
- Last Wednesday, the IHME art festival in Helsinki began
the premiere of a movie called "Modern Times Forever" by a Danish
art group. And it's still going on because it's the world's
longest movie. It lasts 240 hours - 10 full days. It just
shows a famous Helsinki building falling into a dilapidated state
as time speeds into the future, humans go extinct and the building
is battered by time and the elements.
* Pretty much the same way the audience feels after watching it.
* Still, it doesn't feel as long as "Sex & The City 2."
* Extinction would be preferable to sitting through this.
* While it's playing, viewers will go to the bathroom 50 times,
and each time ask, "Did I miss anything?" And the answer will
always be "no."
* Something new is rotten in Denmark.
**************************************************************
Friday,
March 25, 2011
Fishy Story - Iran's
official news agency claims that Iran has made a breakthrough that
proves it's on the cutting edge of science. No, not a nuclear
weapon: they've developed a flying saucer. They say it's an
unmanned saucer equipped with GPS, autopilot and HD recording, and
it can be used for aerial imaging and "various missions." But they
didn't release any photos or video, which raised suspicions about
their claim. Iran also claimed four years ago to have developed a
"super-modern," radar-evading, flying boat, but to this day,
nobody's ever seen it.
* Wow! It REALLY works!
* All of the Middle East's super-modern weapons are
invisible...That explains Iraq's WMD's.
* It's hard to believe Iran has a saucer when most of the people
don't even have a pot.
* The flying saucer uses the same Iranian technology pioneered by
the flying carpet.
* Just in case, Israel is spending $10 billion on anti-flying
saucer guns.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
March 24, 2011
Are
These
People Rattled? - Wheeling, Illinois, plans to spend $1.2
million to build a paved bike and pedestrian path from the Des
Plaines River to Interstate 294. It won't be finished until late
2012, which gives officials time to figure out what to do about
the fact that it runs right next to the habitat of now-hibernating
eastern massasauga rattlesnakes. Since the poisonous rattlers are
endangered, environmental officials assume "the project will have
an adverse effect on the snakes' habitat," so it will require a
special permit and a study of how to minimize the pedestrians'
impact on the rattlesnakes.
* Their main impact on the rattlesnakes will be to make them
fatter.
* It will be a lengthy study, something you can really sink your
teeth into.
* I predict that by 2014, bicyclists and pedestrians will be
endangered species.
* Cost of the environmental impact study: $1.2 million.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
March 23, 2011
But Now, Everything's
Perfect! - It's said that you have to kiss a lot of frogs
before you find Prince Charming, but most women go through worse
than that. A poll of 2,000 women by the dating webite Meeteez.com
found that the average woman kissed 22 men, had six one-night
stands, went on six bad dates that never went anywhere, and had
her heart broken five times before meeting Mr. Right. The average
woman has also been cheated on four times.
* By Mr. Right.
* The six one-night stands were just Mr. Right Now.
* Unfortunately, Mr. Right said he was looking for a virgin.
* If this woman has warts, she's lucky if she got them from
kissing frogs.
* The average woman would be better off if more of her dates
hadn't gone anywhere.
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
March 22, 2011
She Didn't Have A Purse
That Matched Her Outfit - Karin Mackaliunas of Scranton,
Pennsylvania, crashed her car on an off-ramp Sunday. It was towed
and she was about to leave when police got a call that she was
suspected of stealing items from the Dunmore Inn hotel. A search
turned up three bags of heroin on her, so she was taken in. Police
noticed she was fidgeting on the backseat, and at the police
station, they say she admitted to have more heroin hidden in her
vagina. She certainly did: a search of that area turned up 54 bags
of heroin, 31 empty plastic bags used to transport heroin,
8-and-a-half prescription pills, and $51.22 in cash.
* All in pennies.
* It's really inconvenient when she has to buy gas.
* Also, a robe and three bath towels from the Dunmore Inn hotel.
* Searching her was like a magic act...Her vagina is like Harpo
Marx's overcoat.
* That's nothing: the Octomom stores her 10-speed bicycle in hers.
**************************************************************
Monday,
March 21, 2011
Who Are The Other 73,999
Porn Stars? - Charlie Sheen has narrowed down the 74,000
applicants for the job of intern to handle his social media. Not
surprisingly, one is porn star Isis Taylor, who might have an
inside track due to her resume noting that she has had "prior
relations" with Charlie's "goddess," Bree Olsen.
* So she's an expert at both social media and social diseases.
* This would mark the first time she's ever assumed an unpaid
position.
**************************************************************
Friday,
March 18, 2011
Really Mad Men -
A Terminex pest control franchise in Dallas, Texas, found a creepy
new way to advertise. To make the point that cockroaches spread
disease, they put up a sign in front of the Angelika movie theater
that spelled out "E COLI" in clear, three-dimensional plastic
letters. Bug wranglers then filled the letters with about 5,000
live, teeming roaches, funneled into the letters from soda
bottles. Some passersby were amused, others terrified or
disgusted. A spokesman for the ad agency said they have a staffer
who lived in New York, and it was hard for her to work on this
campaign.
* It just made her too nostalgic for her old apartment.
* You'd think that with a job in an ad agency, she'd be used to
working with cockroaches.
* This idea went over a lot better with Terminex than it did when
they pitched it to Taco Bell.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
March 17, 2011 - Happy St. Patrick's Day!
It Has A Better Plot Than
"The DaVinci Code" - One of the most popular books on
Amazon.com right now is 200 pages long, and all of them are blank.
It's a gag gift book with the title, "What Every Man Thinks About,
Apart From Sex." "Author" Sheridan Simove said it took nine days
from idea to finished book in hand, and he's fiercely proud to now
be a best-selling author. His blank book sold out its first print
run, and passed "The DaVinci Code" and one of the "Harry Potter"
books on the sales charts. Simove said, "I am thinking about a
follow-up called 'Reasons to Trust Politicians.'"
* That would also be blank, but only two pages long.
* How about "Reasons Why Good Writers Should Even Try To Get
Published Anymore"?
* But he didn't think about it for long before he got distracted
thinking about sex.
* It's a great gift for girls like Kim Kardashian or Paris
Hilton...Not because they'd find it funny, but because they'd find
it easy to read.
* He's thrilled to have a best-selling book because he'll get a
lot more sex now.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
March 16, 2011
Eat Me! - Bernardo
Hees, the Brazilian-born global boss of Burger King, had to
apologize after he told students in Chicago that he attended
college in England, where unlike in Chicago, "The food is terrible
and the women are not very attractive." He said he was just
joking, but it infuriated British feminists and chefs, one of whom
said it was an insult to British gastronomy to be criticized by
the man responsible for serving up flame-broiled Whoppers and
bacon-double cheeseburgers.
* Millions and millions of them in Britain, for some reason.
* If anyone wants to argue that British food is better than a
flame-broiled cheeseburger, let him speak now.
* That is a ridiculous statement...There are some very attractive British
women.
* Britain now has some delicious cuisine...It's all Indian, but
it's delicious.
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
March 15 , 2011
Giggity! - A clerk
at a bookstore in Atlantic City felt a sharp implement poking her
in her back, and a woman demanded that she open the register.
After the woman took the money and fled, the clerk screamed for
help. Two men emerged from the video booths in the shop's adult
section and chased the woman down and held for the cops.
* Well, she was hot.
* It was the first time in years that they'd actually held a live
woman.
* The really amazing part of the story: they were able to run.
* While they were holding her, she felt two implements poking her
in the back.
**************************************************************
Monday, March 14, 2011
Bring Craig In For Questioning -
Two young Minneapolis men were out drinking last weekend and
decided to cap off the night by hiring two strippers they found on
Craigslist.com to come to their condo. But not two minutes after
the women arrived, two armed male accomplices burst through the
door and stole the clients' money, luggage, watches and cell
phones. Police are still looking for them. They say this happens
often, but the victims are usually too embarrassed to report it. A
police spokesman said it shows "it is a terrible idea to invite
total strangers into your house, especially after you have been
drinking."
* For a lot of guys, getting drunk and inviting paid strangers
into their houses is their entire social life.
* Charlie Sheen calls that "winning."
* They actually were strippers...They stripped the guys of
everything they had.
* It also shows why it's so important to only deal with reputable,
professional strippers...They should also be bonded, although they
charge extra for that.
**************************************************************
Friday,
March 11, 2011
Aim It On Rio -
Rio De Janeiro officials are trying to show that the city will be
cleaned up and ready for the 2016 Olympics by making the current
Carnival urine-free. To achieve that, they launched a "Zero
Tolerance for Pissing" campaign and insured there were portable
toilets in all crowded areas. But it's not working. Just in the
first weekend of Carnival, 214 beer-swilling revelers were
arrested for urinating on the streets or in doorways. Most were
men. Officials blamed the long lines at portable toilets and
promised to bring in even more.
* That way, people won't have to wait in line so long to pee on
the portable toilets.
* On the bright side, this frees up the portable toilets for
having sex.
* The theme of this year's Carnival is "Follow The Yellow Brick
Road."
* This is Rio's #1 problem...You don't want to know their #2
problem.
* Why not just make beer-swilling followed by distance-peeing an
Olympic event?
**************************************************************
Thursday, March 10, 2011
What Goes Up Must Crash
Horribly - For a new TV series called "How Hard Can It
Be?," a National Geographic team built a 16x16-foot replica of the
house from "Up" and attached a lot of helium balloons to see if it
really would fly. It did. It reached an altitude of 10,000 feet
and stayed aloft for about an hour.
* And then, it came down just like the house in "The Wizard Of
Oz."
* If you'd like to make your own house fly, they're producing a
do-it-yourself show called "'Up' Yours!"
* Sadly, all attempts to make the real Ed Asner lovable failed.
* Next on "How Hard Can It Be?," they plan to teach penguins to
tap dance.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Putting The Gag Into Gaga
- That London restaurant that was offering breast milk ice
cream first ran afoul of health officials, and now, they have a
new problem. Lady Gaga is threatening to sue them over the
dessert's name, "Baby Gaga." Her lawyers sent the owner a letter
accusing him of infringing her trademarks in a manner that is
"deliberately provocative and, to many people, nausea-inducing,"
and demanding he change the name or face legal action.
* He'd rename them after Kim Kardashian, but nobody could swallow
two scoops that big.
* "Deliberately provocative and, to many people,
nausea-inducing"...Yep, that's Lady Gaga's trademark, all right.
* She's offended that her name is being associated with a blatant
attempt to use breasts to get cheap publicity.
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
March 8, 2011
"They Abducted My Clocks, Too?"
- The British government just released 35 previously
classified UFO files dating back to the '50s. Some were
unexplained, and some obvious hoaxes. Among the latter was a man
who called the government, claiming he'd been having a drink in
his garden when he was terrified by a huge, cigar-shaped UFO that
passed over. He said he woke up the next morning and his clocks
were behind the time on the radio, so he might've been abducted by
aliens and experienced "missing time." They told him daylight
savings time had started and to move his clocks forward an hour.
* So now he thinks alien spacecraft observe daylight savings time.
* He had missing time, but he found it again in the fall.
* I have a feeling both the UFO and the missing time could be
explained by the drink he was having.
* They were also suspicious that the UFO he described was actually
shaped like an anal probe.
**************************************************************
Monday, March 7, 2011
More Like A Flashback -
At the Geneva Car Show, Volkswagen is showing off a prototype for
a new version of the VW Microbus, designed to appeal to old
hippies who drove one in the '60s. It has the same boxy look,
three-person bench front seat and two-tone job paint as the
original, but there are some updates. For instance, it uses an
iPad to control the entertainment system, climate control and
other functions. And it has an environmentally-friendly electric
motor that goes 186.4 miles on a charge.
* By the time we got to Woodstock, we'd be dead of old age.
* But you have to drive 5 mph, which considering how old and
stoned the drivers will be, is about right.
* When the battery goes dead, you can relive those nostalgic days
of having to push your VW van to the nearest service station.
* If this van's a-rockin', it's only because the car seats are
actual rocking chairs.
* It also has separate compartments to hold your sunglasses, your
cane and your medicinal marijuana.
**************************************************************
Friday,
March 4, 2011
I Surrender! -
Britain's Daily Mail reports that air traffic controllers in
Siberia claim they were buzzed by a UFO that was tracked on radar
at over 6,000 mph. Not only that, but an air traffic controller
said he tried to make contact with the UFO after hearing what he
thought was an alien voice on his radio monitor. He said the
alleged voice sounded like a female alien purring like a cat. He
said it was "as if a woman was saying 'meow-meow' all the time."
He got no response. Airport officials had no comment.
* They just cut back on the amount of vodka air traffic
controllers are allowed to drink at lunch.
* Geeks are all excited now because they think we're being invaded
by sexy cat women from the planet Pandora.
* Charlie Sheen says he's not only seen that same UFO, he went on
board and nailed the alien cat chick.
WEB LINK! Trailer for "Cat Women of
the Moon." Check out the narration starting at :56 seconds
in.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
March 3, 2011
But Surely, The Botox! -
Former Ohio TV news anchor Anietra Hamper landed in tax court last
week for attempting to deduct $167,356 worth of beauty-related
expenses from her income taxes over three years. The expenses
included business suits, sportswear, eveningwear, jewelry, shoes,
gym memberships, dry cleaning, manicures, teeth whitening,
loungewear, a robe, bedding, lingerie and even bikini and thong
panties. Her attorney argued that all those things were necessary
to do her job because she had to appear before the community at
all times looking neat, professional and conservative. But the
court ruled that none of those things were ordinary and necessary
business expenses for a TV newsperson.
* If that's the criteria, then I'm assuming they did allow all the
plastic surgery.
* But without sexy lingerie and bedding, you can't even land a job
as a TV newsbabe!
* That's ridiculous! When she's not on camera, she doesn't even wear panties!
* Now, if she'd worked for Fox News, breast implants and hair
bleach would've been deductible.
* Conservative professional women don't wear thong panties...Only
conservative male politicians do.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
March 2, 2011
I'll Think About That
Tomorrow - A DDB Lifestyle study asked Americans which
movie line best described their philosophy of life, and the #1
answer with 26 percent of the vote was Forest Gump's "Life is like
a box of chocolates; you never know what you'll get." It was
followed by "There's no place like home" from "The Wizard of Oz"
and "Carpe diem" ("Seize the day") from "Dead Poets Society."
Others in the top ten included "Get busy livin' or get busy
dyin'," "May the Force be with you," and "Frankly, my dear, I
don't give a damn." The researchers said that in such a
materialistic society, they were surprised that "Show me the
money!" didn't rank higher, but it only came in 10th.
* I would adopt that as my philosophy of life if someone would pay
me to.
* I'd not surprised that most Americans' personal philosophy
involved eating chocolate.
* Most Americans think "Carpe diem" means "Complain every day."
* Americans love Forest Gump so much, we keep sending people like
him to Washington.
* I'd think that with so many people trying to find a job or sell
a house or afford retirement, we'd sum up our lives with, "Do ya
feel lucky, punk?"
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
March 1, 2011
"On A Very Special
Episode Of 'Jersey Shore'"... - Melvin Cade of Trenton,
New Jersey, is accused of kidnapping his ex-girlfriend and driving
her around for over an hour while he repeatedly punched her in the
head, threatened her with a screwdriver and told her he was
looking for a better place to kill her. She jumped out at a red
light and escaped. But Cade has a novel excuse: he says the whole
time, he had a diamond ring in his pocket and was planning to
propose to her. He said, "People do all sorts of strange things
when they get engaged. They put the ring in food, all kinds of
things. Yeah, I said some things, but it was all part of the
buildup." The judge didn't buy it and set bail at $300,000.
* Surely, he loved her enough that the ring in his pocket was
worth that.
* He was just trying to remind her of their first date.
* He's what Jersey girls call "a keeper."
* He should've just put the ring in her food and hoped she choked
on it.
* I'm sensing some subtle signals that maybe he was secretly
hoping she wouldn't say yes.
**************************************************************
Monday,
February 28, 2011
She Toppled Like Dominoes
- Memphis pizza delivery driver Susan Guy is being hailed as a
hero after she learned the pizzeria hadn't heard from an elderly
customer in three days, and the woman usually ordered a large
pepperoni pizza every day. Guy went to her home and discovered she
was on the floor and couldn't get up. The woman's all-pizza diet
saved her life.
* That's what I keep trying to
tell people!
* Then again, she couldn't get up because a giant stack of pizza
boxes had fallen on her.
* She hadn't fallen. She's just so fat that she'd sat on the
floor and couldn't get up.
* That's why I'll never need a medic alert bracelet: I'll just
depend on the Domino's guy to save me.
**************************************************************
Friday,
February 25, 2011
Only ONE Businessman -
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid knows why his home state of
Nevada is struggling and has a 15 percent unemployment rate. It's
the legal prostitution. Reid claims he recently met with a group
of businessmen, and one complained about the legal brothels, and
he says families tell him they "don't want their children to look
out of a school bus and see a brothel." He said, "Nevada needs to
be known as the first place for innovation and investment - not as
the last place where prostitution is still legal."
* He must not realize how much innovation has come out of the porn
industry.
* Does he seriously believe that making prostitution illegal will
get Nevadans back on their feet?
* But prostitutes are the only people left in Nevada who still
have jobs!
* Children shouldn't look out of a school bus and see a brothel!
They should see a casino!
* The definition of irony is a politician telling a prostitute to
stop being such a whore.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
February 24, 2011
She's No Girl Scout -
Hersha Howard of Naples, Florida, is charged with aggravated
battery and assault with a deadly weapon in a dispute over Girl
Scout cookies. Police say Howard came into her roommate's bedroom
and accused her of eating her Thin Mints. The woman said Howard's
kids were up and hungry at 1 a.m., so she gave the cookies to them
and offered to pay her $10. The two began arguing, then fighting.
The roommate's husband pulled Howard off his wife, who fled the
room. Howard allegedly followed her, threatening her with
scissors, then hitting her with a board. The husband pulled her
off again, and his wife fled the house, but Howard followed her
out, picked up a sign and began hitting her with that.
* She was screaming, "You want Samoa?!..."
* It was a sign that somebody's been eating too much sugar.
* She'll get off thanks to her attorney's brilliant defense: "They
were THIN MINTS."
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
February 23, 2011
Trojan, Horse? - A Derby,
Connecticut, man accused of sexually abusing a neighbor's horse
certainly got the right lawyer. Even though the neighbor says he
caught the man with his arm halfway up his horse's private parts,
Ralph Crozier says the defendant denies "from the get-go" that he
abused that horse. He says his client is "a mild, church-going man
with no previous criminal involvement," and the case has been
blown out of proportion. He insists, "If this was a guy and a
sheep in Litchfield, and I've had a few of those cases, this would
not have gotten nearly the media attention it has. But I guess
because a horse is higher off the ground, it leaves a little more
to the imagination."
* No, actually, that just gives you a better view.
* I think this guy's client needs to climb down off his high
horse.
* When you have sex with horses, getting blown out of proportion
is just part of the deal.
* If he's such a fine, upstanding citizen, how come nobody wants
to shake his hand?
* He's trying to prove that molesting a horse isn't really that
low, compared to being a lawyer.
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
February 22, 2011
Mama Mia! - You
may claim that you have cool musical taste and love opera or
Motown or progressive rock, but your body gives you away.
Britain's Mindlab International Laboratory asked people what songs
they liked most, then played those songs and others while
measuring their brain activity and skin reactions to see which
ones really excited them and improved their moods. The song that
got the best reaction was the pop ballad "Greatest Day" by the UK
boy band Take That, followed closely by ABBA's "Dancing Queen."
The subjects had ranked those simplistic, feel-good pop tunes as
being among their least favorite songs, but the brain and skin
monitors revealed they were really their favorites.
* They have been outed as Dancing Queens.
* Also lighting up: the brain center for shame.
* The researchers were surprised that their brains functioned at
all when those songs were on.
* When they played "Billy, Don't Be A Hero," their skin actually
crawled.
**************************************************************
Monday, February 21, 2011
Silk Stalkings -
Police in Shiremanstown, Pennsylvania, charged Rip Alan Swartz
with harassment. They say that he would make random phone calls -
sometimes more than 400 in a day - and try to get women to engage
in sexually explicit conversations about pantyhose. They say he
would call businesses all over the country, trying to get female
employees to talk about pantyhose, and this has gone on for five
years. Local reporters tried to reach Swartz by phone, but were
unsuccessful.
* Did they try telling him they were wearing pantyhose?
* He really needs to get call waiting.
* His neighbors were shocked; they say he seemed like a real "No
Nonsense" kinda guy.
**************************************************************
Friday, February 18, 2011
Hitting Bottom - In
Sarasota, Florida, a homeless man was sent to jail on undisclosed
charges following a court appearance. During a strip search,
jailers noticed the end of a condom sticking out of his rectum.
They removed it and found that it contained 30 items, including 17
blue pills, a cigarette, six matches, a flint, a lip balm
container, an empty syringe with an eraser covering the needle
point, an unused condom, a pharmacy receipt and a discount coupon.
He's now facing extra charges of bringing drug and tobacco
products into jail.
* His response: "Up yours!"
* The discount coupon was for Vaseline.
* If you can let your smile be your umbrella, then your butt can
be your luggage rack.
* If he'd known he'd be staying over so long, he would've packed
his hairdryer.
* That's where he keeps his receipts? I'm glad I'm not his tax
preparer.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
February 17, 2011
Erma Shave - The
latest beauty secret of Hollywood starlets is that they're giving
up laser hair removal and just shaving their faces like men. It's
because new high-def digital cameras pick up the light fuzz that
only razors can remove. The razor also exfoliates the face,
leaving the skin looking smooth and young. Experts say it's
nothing new: even Elizabeth Taylor and Marilyn Monroe used to
shave. A dermatologist said that shaving doesn't make the hair
grow back thicker or darker; that's "an old wives' tale.'
* Well, it grows back thicker and darker on old wives.
* That would explain why so many celebrity perfumes smell like
Aqua Velva.
* The only star left who doesn't shave: Justin Bieber.
* If this keeps up, the only stars left in Hollywood with beards
will be Tom Cruise and John Travolta.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
February 16, 2011
I've Got A Crush On You -
New York's Bronx Zoo offered a unique Valentine’s Day gift: name a
cockroach after your Valentine. Their ad copy read, "Flowers wilt.
Chocolates melt. Roaches are forever." A $10 donation bought a
certificate confirming that one of the zoo's Madagascar hissing
cockroaches, the largest and noisiest roach in the world, is named
after your significant other. Nearly a thousand sold the first
day, but the zoo still had 57,000 more roaches to name.
* And the next day, they had 400,000.
* That means they actually had fewer roaches than any other place
in the Bronx.
* If you give her this, every time she thinks of you, she'll think
of a giant cockroach...Guaranteed!
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
February 15, 2011
The Big Bang Theory - In
Britain, the recession-born frugality still lingers. Debenhams
department store reports that sales of sexy lingerie as Valentine
gifts are far outstripping sales of expensive roses and
chocolates. A spokeswoman said lingerie is less expensive, lasts
longer, and provides "hours of fun after the rose petals have
wilted." She said, "Lingerie is for love on a budget. It really is
the gift that keeps giving," and it gives buyers a bigger "bang
for their buck."
* Literally.
* Well, we are talking British couples, so don't expect that big a
bang.
* It's cost-effective for an Englishman to give a woman lingerie
because it's something they both can wear.
* Valentine roses are a rip-off, but lingerie is only a rip-off if
you rip it off.
* If you're really concerned about money, don't think about how
much you're paying per square inch of material.
**************************************************************
Monday,
February 14, 2011
He Doesn't Have A Leg To Stand On -
A quadriplegic man named Jose Martinez is suing Disneyland under
the Americans With Disabilities Act. He says he was on the "It's A
Small World" ride when it stalled, and he was stuck there for 40
minutes while staffers figured out how to remove him from the
boat. Martinez claims they didn't have procedures in place for
such a situation, which Disney denies, and that staffers should
have called paramedics when his blood pressure spiked. He's
seeking damages for liability, negligence and emotional distress.
* Also cruel and unusual punishment.
* Plus the cost of a lobotomy to get that song out of his head.
* Oh chill out! Everybody's
blood pressure spikes on that ride!
* Disney's attorneys say they're sorry he was inconvenienced, but
hey...It's a world of laughter, a world of tears...
**************************************************************
Friday, February 11, 2011
Adult Swim -
Candice Connor of New York City claimed that she bought two
cartoon DVDs for her sons, ages 3 and 11, and was shocked when one
turned out to be porn. It was labeled "Nickelodeon All-Stat Sports
Day," featuring "Go, Diego, Do," but she says it was really
"Bubble Butt Bonanza #17." Her 11-year-oldson told the Daily News,
"I saw a Caucasian Lady and man, and they were naked. I was
surprised. I was very disgusted." Connor says she is hiring a
lawyer. A Toys R Us manager said they'd received no similar
complaints.
* Apparently, all the other kids LOVE "Bubble Butt Bonanza."
* I don't know why her son was so disgusted. He LOVED "Bubble Butt Bonanza,"
Numbers 1 through 16.
* To be fair, the Caucasian lady on the video was saying, "Go, Diego, go!"
* The other DVD was "Dora The Explorer," and it showed her
exploring her sexuality...She teamed up with a new cartoon
character: "Spongebob Hotpants."
**************************************************************
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Hard To Swallow - Over
the weekend, hundreds of skeptics around the world deliberately
took drug overdoses. They were all homeopathic remedies, which are
diluted to the point that maybe one molecule of the active
ingredient remains. Proponents say that's enough to stimulate the
body to heal itself, and they're always pushing for government and
insurance coverage of homeopathic medicines. But skeptics say
they're nothing but water, and Saturday, hundreds of them in 25
nations took megadoses of the medicines to prove it. Nobody
suffered any ill effects, or any effects whatsoever. One skeptics
group in West Virginia swallowed a million times the recommended
dose of a homeopathic sleep remedy and not only didn't get sick or
die, they didn't even get sleepy.
* Just bloaty.
* It did cure their thirst.
* Some of them wanted to take a nap, but they were too desperate
to go pee.
* If I wanted a glass of water that costs as much as prescription
medicine, I'd order a Perrier.
* They proved that homeopathic medical claims don't contain even
one molecule of truth.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
February 9, 2011
Tutu Skinny - The
Big Ballet, an all-female troupe for larger women, is suffering a
shortage of fat ballerinas. The troupe was formed 13 years ago in
Russia to challenge social norms and prove that bigger women could
dance gracefully. Back then, you had to weigh at least 238 pounds
to join, but now, they've had to lower the minimum weight to 210
pounds. They say the number of hopeful applicants has dropped
significantly. They blame it on the worldwide success of healthy
eating campaigns by celebrities, like chef Jamie Oliver.
* Or Michelle Obama, whose Super Bowl menu will have you at a slim
210 pounds in no time.
* My question: have they tried holding auditions in America?
* They don't have male dancers to lift them...Their insurer got
tired of paying for all the hernias.
* To make it past the first audition, you have to eat a
regular-sized ballerina.
* Their performances are like "The Black Swan," if it had been
about penguins instead.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Next Time, Use The Hole In Your Head - A house fire in
Portland, Oregon, that did about $30,000 worth of damage
reportedly started because residents were using a hole in the
floor as an ashtray for their cigarettes. A fire department
spokesman said if that's true, that's not careless smoking,
"that's stupid smoking."
* People need to start smoking smart.
* Especially since they were using the basement to store their
collection of gas cans.
* It completely ruined the hole in the floor that they were using
for a toilet.
**************************************************************
Monday, February 7, 2011
A Womb With A View -
The Corallium Spa on Gran Canaria in the Canary Islands is
offering the ultimate nostalgia trip: "The Womb Room." Guests can
return to the womb by entering a pink-carpeted passageway dubbed
the "neck of the uterus." Inside, there are dim lights, pink
carpeting splashed with red fabric, and blood red water beds
designed to resemble the amniotic sac. "Breathy" music plays to
simulate the sounds inside the womb, and the entire room slowly
revolves to simulate a giant umbilical cord. A spokeswoman said if
a guest is having trouble falling asleep, "The Womb Room could be
the answer."
* It'll make you scream until you pass out.
* You sleep great until time is up, and then they grab you with
tongs, drag you out headfirst and slap you on the butt.
* Most guys relax on vacation by only trying to return part of themselves to the
womb.
**************************************************************
Friday,
February 4, 2011
A New Wrinkle - A
Valentine's Day survey of 1,000 American women by NPD Group found
good news for the cosmetics and anti-aging industries. By a 91 to
9 percent margin, women said they would rather receive a lump sum
gift of $1,000 cash than get free chocolates every week for five
years. And the number one thing they would spend the money on was
beauty and anti-aging products. It shows women are ready to spend
money on their looks after scrimping through two years of
recession. There's also good news for men: by a slightly less
lopsided 73 to 27 percent margin, a majority of women said they'd
rather have great sex every week for five years than free
chocolate every week for five years.
* Well, except for one week out of every month.
* Would they settle for mediocre sex if I toss in a free Hershey
bar?
* But only if the great sex is with Brad Pitt; otherwise, they'll
take the chocolate.
* Charlie Sheen's girlfriends expect both sex and a lump sum cash payment.
* One warning: no matter what they say, if you give a woman
anti-aging cream instead of chocolates for Valentine's Day, you
will never have sex again.
**************************************************************
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Danger Zone - China's state broadcaster, CCTV (Chine
Central Television) is under scrutiny after they aired a news
story about a People's Liberation Army Air Force training exercise
illustrated with footage of a plane blowing up another plane with
a missile. Sharp-eyed Internet surfers recognized the "news"
footage as a clip from the 1986 Tom Cruise movie, "Top Gun." It's
sparked a wave of mocking Internet posts by people who say they're
fed up with CCTV's phony propaganda.
* CCTV insisted that it's not phony propaganda: Tom Cruise really
is macho!
* We should know by now: the Chinese military will steal anything.
* Wait, so does this mean the Chinese Air Force didn't save Tokyo from
Godzilla?
* There is also no truth to CCTV's claim that Chinese scientists
have invented a Hot Tub Time Machine.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
February 2, 2011
Find A Good American Actor, Like
Hugh Laurie! - Some comic book fans might be crying
heresy over the casting for the upcoming reboot of the "Superman"
movie franchise. The superhero who fights for "Truth, Justice and
the American Way" will be played by British hunk Henry Cavill,
best known for his role as Charles Brandon on Showtime's "The
Tudors." The studio says they want to make Superman "as
contemporary as possible," and Cavill has a "modern feel." With
this casting, Brits have now taken over the big three American
superhero roles, with a British Superman, a Welsh Batman
(Christian Bale) and British-born Andrew Garfield as the new
Spider-Man.
* He doesn't sling webs; he places them carefully on the backs of
chairs like lace doilies.
* I still think it was a bad idea to cast Ricky Gervais as Captain
America.
* Apparently, fighting evil is now a job that Americans just won't
do.
* They all have muscles of steel and teeth of cork.
* For some reason, British actors are just more comfortable
wearing tights and a cape.
* I say in retaliation, Adam Sandler should be the next James
Bond.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Fox News' Ratings
Explained - An Indiana University study confirms what
most people long suspected: men pay attention when hot women read
the news on TV, but they're not paying attention to the news. Test
subjects watched two taped newscasts: one with an attractive woman
done up to look hot, in a sexy, cleavage-baring dress, and the
other read by the same woman in a modest dress and no makeup. They
were then tested on what they remembered from each newscast. The
men watched the woman much more closely when she looked hot, but
they remembered less of what she said.
* Probably because they preferred watching her with the sound off.
* On the bright side, they didn't really care what she said.
* This might explain why Fox News viewers score lower on current
events tests.
* This is very disappointing for all the hot blond newsbabes,
after they worked so hard to learn how to read.
**************************************************************
Monday, January 31, 2011
From The Makers Of "L'il
Hooker" Playwear - WalMart will soon offer a line of
makeup called GeoGirl for 8- to 12-year-olds. It includes a
cleanser, mineral blush, eye shadow, lash mascara, face shimmer
and more. They're described as "mother approved" cosmetics
formulated for young skin, with natural ingredients, such as
willow bark, chamomile, and antioxidants to prevent aging. They
will replace the vacating Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen makeup line.
* And the now-defunct Roman Polanski makeup line.
* The target demographic for this makeup could be the Olsen Twins'
daughters.
* Question: Do you really want
to stop aging when you're 8 years old?
* Eight-year-olds don't need anti-aging makeup! They're already on
Botox!
* By "mother-approved," they mean Lindsay Lohan's mother.
**************************************************************
Friday,
January 28, 2011
But Try The Hakuna
Tostada - The owner of Boca Tacos and Tequila restaurant
in Tucson say he has scrapped plans to serve lion meat tacos after
receiving at least 25 "direct threats" and "probably hundreds" of
indirect threats.
* They can't blame those threats on Sarah Palin: she eats lions
she shot herself.
* He also swears that "Cougar Taco Night" was just a singles event
for women over 40.
**************************************************************
Thursday, January 27, 2011
"Very Realistic," Raves
Drew Barrymore - MTV is standing by its new series
"Skins," which shows young teens having sex, drinking and doing
drugs, despite it losing two more sponsors, Subway and Schick, and
sparking accusations that it's child porn. "Skins'" British
creator Bryan Eisley defended it as a "very simple and in fact,
rather old-fashioned television series...about the lives and loves
of teenagers" and "how they get through high school."
* Or how Lindsay Lohan got through junior high.
* It's old fashioned because it shows the teenagers having sex
with each other instead of their teachers.
* It's old fashioned, like "Leave It To Beaver"...which
coincidentally, might be a better name for it.
* It's really very conservative...It's designed to promote
home-schooling.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
January 26, 2011
Escort Me To The Bedroom
- Hubert Blackman of New York is suing the Las Vegas
Exclusive Personals escort service, claiming his call girl
shortchanged him by not staying long enough. He claims he paid
$155 to have a stripper visit his hotel room, plus $120 more to
stay for another hour and perform a sex act on him. But when she
left after just 30 minutes, he called the service to demand a
refund. When they refused, he complained to the police, who
threatened him with arrest. Blackman says he was unaware that
prostitution is illegal in Vegas, and that the woman suggested the
sex act. He called the whole experience a "tragic event," and is
suing for his $275 back plus $1.8 million in damages.
* Good lord, how many times did he think he could have sex in that
extra half an hour?!
* He assumed that if you could hire a woman to come to your room,
get naked and slide down a pole, then prostitution must be legal.
* Come on, she was there for 30 minutes! That's long enough for
most men to have sex 15 times!
* Prostitution is so illegal in Vegas that if you tell the cops
you did it, they'll threaten you with arrest.
**************************************************************
Tuesday,
January 25, 2011
Wonder Why He Has No
Girlfriend? - As a biology experiment, University of
Alberta ecology student Josh Le wore the same pair of jeans every
day for 15 months without washing them. Sometimes, he even slept
in them. He maintained his normal personal hygiene routine, and
used paper towels to dab food spills off the jeans. Every two
weeks, he would put the jeans in a freezer overnight, and he says
there was never a trace of odor. At the end of 15 months, he
tested the never-washed jeans found that bacteria levels were the
same as on any other jeans he sampled.
* Off the charts!!
* The other jeans were his classmates', and they hadn't been
washed in 15 months either.
* Okay, now explain why he also wore the same T-shirt for 15
months.
* His roommate wasn't that crazy about having them stored on top
of his Popsicles.
**************************************************************
Monday, January 24, 2011
World’s Dumbest
Non-Televised Bachelor - Last Saturday at around 3:20
a.m., an unidentified Canadian bachelor on Vancouver Island called
police to complain that there was a naked woman in his bed. He
told the cops that she entered his bedroom, disrobed, slid into
bed next to him and fell asleep. Police arrived to find her still
asleep and "quite intoxicated." She was taken into custody to
sober up but not charged. Turned out she lived in the same
building on another floor, she'd entered the wrong apartment, and
for some unexplained reason, her key also fit the bachelor's door.
* He still hasn't changed the lock.
* An American bachelor wouldn't have called the cops; he just
would've said, "Thank you, Jesus!"
* For most bachelors, having a drunken, naked woman just show up
in your bed would be the greatest thing since Domino's invented
home pizza delivery.
* I'm betting this is a "longtime, confirmed" bachelor.
**************************************************************
Friday, January 21, 2011
Pee Hard - Japan leads the world in advanced toilet
technology that even washes and perfumes your rear end. But now,
they've taken it a step further by introducing urinal games.
They're testing four games at pubs and arcades. All involve a
pressure sensor to detect the urine so the player can control the
game. They include "Splashing Battle," which lets men compete with
the last user in stream strength; "Graffiti Eraser," which lets
men move their urine stream to erase digital graffiti from a video
screen; and what is likely to prove most popular, "The North Wind
And The Sun And Me," in which the strength of the man's urine
stream determines how high a virtual girl's skirt gets blown up by
a digital wind.
* That one has really boosted beer sales.
* It teaches guys that nothing makes a woman lift her skirt like a
guy with a strong urine stream.
* The fourth game is called "Shy Kidney"...The winner is the guy
who stands there the longest.
* They held a tournament of champions, but the winner was
disqualified for doping after he tested positive for Flomax.
* One question: These are played
in the bathroom, right?
**************************************************************
Thursday,
January 20, 2011
They Threw Themselves On The Barbies - Australia has
suffered devastating floods, but not everyone takes them
seriously. Rescue workers had to scramble after a woman and man,
both 19, tried to float down the flood-swollen Yarra River on two
inflatable sex dolls. The woman ran into rough waters and lost
hers, and the man stayed with her, the two of them clinging to a
tree and his sex doll until help arrived. A police spokesman
called their actions "stupid" and said blow-up sex dolls are "not
recognized flotation devices." He added that the couple was fine,
but "the fate of the inflatable dolls is unknown."
* Obviously, they're screwed.
* Somewhere down river, a lonely Australian lost his shack but
found a sex doll, and called it even.
* It's a good thing for the woman that the man didn't have to
choose which one to save.
* A sex doll is not a flotation device...A man might stay up for a
few minutes, but after that, it deflates pretty quickly.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
To Be Resold In China -
Candy Dynamics of Indianapolis announced a nationwide voluntary
recall of a Pakistani-made line of candies called "Toxic Waste
Nuclear Sludge Chew Bars." One lot was found to exceed FDA limits
on lead. There have been no reported illnesses, but the company is
recalling all flavors of "Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge Chew Bars"
shipped since 2007 "out of an abundance of caution."
* Because anyone who'd sell Pakistani-made candy named after toxic
waste and nuclear sludge is all about caution.
* To comply with Truth In Advertising laws, they'll be relabeled
"Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge With Lead."
* So Pakistanis grow up eating toxic waste candy with excess lead?
That might explain the political situation.
* All buyers will be offered a free box of Crunchy Frogs.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Web Of Conspiracy -
Amid all the injuries and bad publicity, the Broadway musical
"Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark" did pick up one high-profile fan.
Controversial Fox News host Glenn Beck loved it so much, he urged
fans to buy tickets now because it will sell out for years once it
opens. He predicted it would be the 21st century "Phantom of the
Opera" and said it would be worth donating a kidney to get a
ticket.
* In fact, he predicts that under Obamacare, Americans will be
forced to donate a kidney to get a ticket.
* You'll have to do that because a lot of the cast members may
need new kidneys...While you're at it, donate blood for them, too.
* Then he set up a chalkboard and proved that the Green Goblin is
secretly a communist.
* It would sell even more tickets if they called it, "Spider-Man:
Fall Off The Stage."
**************************************************************
Monday, January 17, 2011 - Martin Luther King Jr. Day
Finally, A Use For A Discover
Card! - Last Sunday in Witten, Germany, a customer who'd
been ejected from a pub pulled a knife and stabbed the doorman
four times in the chest. But he wasn't harmed because the knife
struck his wallet in his breast pocket. It was stuffed with 20
plastic credit, debit and video rental cards, and the blade
couldn't penetrate it. A police spokesman said he'd be dead if he
didn't have so many cards. He added that everyone at the police
station checked their own wallets, and nobody had 20 plastic
cards.
* I guess cops aren't as good a credit risk as a pub doorman.
* With this guy's credit card bills, he was hoping the knife would kill
him.
* Too bad; his only chance of every paying off all his credit card
bills was to collect his life insurance.
**************************************************************
Friday, January 14, 2011
Giving Him The Bird - The
Liberty Times reports that Wang Han-chin, an electrician from
Taiwan, sued his neighbors for teaching their mynah bird to curse
him because he complained to the police that they were too loud.
Wang claimed that every time he leaves home, the talking bird
calls out, "Clueless, big-mouthed idiot!" He said this distressed
him so much, he lost concentration at work and suffered burns. A
judge threw out his case, ruling that there was insufficient
evidence linking the bird to his work injuries.
* Maybe he just keeps electrocuting himself because he's a
clueless idiot.
* He should be glad the bird doesn't yell, "You big Wang!"
* The neighbors claim they didn't teach the bird that Wang is a
clueless, big-mouthed idiot; he's just a really smart bird and
figured it out on his own.
**************************************************************
Thursday, January 13, 2011
John Boehner Must Be Half
Rabbit - A study by Britain's St. Andrews and Bristol
Universities found that eating carrots makes you more attractive.
They say that eating strongly colored fruits and vegetables like
carrots and plums gives a yellow hue to the skin. They asked
volunteers to rate 51 Scottish Caucasian faces and found that
those who'd been eating carrots and similar foods had a yellowish
glow that made them seem healthier and more attractive.
* Possibly because they're the only people in Scotland who aren't
red and blotchy and eat nothing but haggis.
* This would explain why the hottest woman on TV right now is
Snooki.
* For proof that eating carrots make you sexy, check out Bugs
Bunny when he puts on a dress.
* If a man wants to be more attractive, he should get a great, big
carrot and put in down the front of his pants.
* Yellowish skin makes you more attractive? So that's what Marge
Simpson sees in Homer.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The Card That Pays You Back
- Kim, Khloe and Kourney Kardashian are probably sorry they ever
put their names on a Kardashian debit MasterCard. They pulled out
of the endorsement deal shortly after its launch, when the
Connecticut Attorney General opened an investigation into claims
that the card carried "outrageous" fees. Actually, they were
similar to those of other prepaid cards. But the Kardashians said
they'd worked "extremely long and hard " to create a positive
public image that appeals to all ages and didn't want negative
publicity. So they won't like this: the company that issued the
card just filed suit against them for $75 million for breach of
contract.
* Plus exorbitant late fees and a high rate of interest.
* They just called Visa to ask for a higher credit limit.
* It was no bigger a rip-off than other prepaid debit cards...The
Lindsay Lohan Discover Card, the Snooki Visa...
* If nothing else, at least now we finally know what it is the
Kardashians work at.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Not A Happy Ending -
Terry Allen Lester of Waseca, Minnesota, is facing up to ten years
in prison and a $20,000 fine if he's convicted of trying to give
his ex-girlfriend an exploding sex toy. He'd been staying with her
and her roommate when the landlord forced him to leave. The women
got suspicious of a bag he left behind and opened it. Inside, they
found a container labeled "Christmas gift" that held a sex toy
he'd allegedly modified to hold gunpowder and buckshot. Police
believe he planned to give to her or one of two other women he'd
had relationships with. All three had ended badly.
* If he can't tell the difference between a sex toy and a bomb, no
wonder.
* They all dumped him because he couldn't give them explosive
orgasms.
* They asked him to be more inventive in bed, and this is what he
came up with.
**************************************************************
Monday, January 10, 2011
Worth Every Penny - In a
victory for bare butts, a federal appeals court ruled that ABC
does not have to pay a $1.2 million fine leveled by the FCC for
showing curvaceous blonde Charlotte Ross's nude backside on a 2003
episode of "NYPD Blue" titled "Nude Awakenings." In the scene,
Ross is about to shower when her boyfriend's young son walks in on
her, and she's shown nude from behind, the side and the front, but
with her hands covering her breasts and crotch. The ruling was
decried by the FCC and the Parents Television Council, which said
the 7-second scene was "intended to pander and titillate." But ABC
said it was not indecent and was protected by the First Amendment.
* The Second Amendment gives you the right to bear arms, and the
First gives you the right to bare ass.
* The PTC is right: you could almost see her titillates.
* They were never fined before, but that's because nobody found
Dennis Franz's bare butt to be titillating.
* A TV show that panders and titillates?! This trend must be
nipped in the bud!!
* That was "NYPD Blue's" 10th season...Didn't parents know not to
let their kids watch it by then?
* Okay, now imagine what will happen if we let the FCC regulate
the Internet!
**************************************************************
Friday,
January 7, 2011
Too Big Love -
The Daily Telegraph reports that polygamist Mian Ishaq was
attending a wedding reception in Gujranwala, Pakistan, Monday with
his third wife when his first and second wives suddenly arrived
with their relatives. They began overturning tables and beating
their husband with their shoes. They accused him of having a
fourth wife in secret and planning to marry a fifth wife. Police
arrived to escort the women out. Ishaq told them the accusations
were "a blatant lie," adding, "I am willing to swear on my life
that I only have three wives."
* Three wives too many!
* The other two women are just his mistresses.
* Trust him, the last thing he wants is two more wives.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
January 6, 2011
Blow Out - A
driver in Cumberland County, Pennsylvania, caused a minor car
crash after he stopped suddenly when he thought he saw a person
lying in the road. It turned out to be an inflatable sex doll.
Nobody was injured, but the man who slammed on the brakes was
rear-ended.
* From the looks of her, so was the sex doll.
* But it was worth it because, hey: Free sex doll!
* On second look, it wasn't an inflatable sex doll, it was Heidi
Montag.
* Police let him off on condition that he get a bumper sticker
warning, "I brake for inflatable sex dolls."
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
January 5, 2011
The Only Way She'll Ever Get
Crabs - Carolee Bildsten of Gurnee, Illinois, made
national headlines after she allegedly threatened to hit a police
officer with a female sex toy when he was investigating a claim
that she'd run out on a check at Joe's Crab Shack. Last week, she
failed to show up for her arraignment. She was rearrested and had
to post $10,000 bond, and her court date was rescheduled for
January 14th.
* That's 9 days away. What will she do with herself between now
and then?
* She had to do something like this, just when the buzz had died
down.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Blame Canada! - Wal-Mart
yanked a Canadian-produced CD from its shelves after some parents
in South Bend, Indiana, got it as a gift for their son and
complained. It's called "Kids' Favorites" and has a photo of four
children on the cover. It also has two tracks called "Ugly" and
"Pump It" that are filled with profanity. Wal-Mart is
investigating and encourages any upset parents to return the
"Kids' Favorites" CD for a refund.
* What if they're upset because those aren't their kids' favorite
profanities?
* Ironically, those two tracks are
the kids' favorites.
* Look closely: one of those "four children" on the cover is L'il
Wayne.
* This was Justin Bieber's first album, back when he wanted to be
a rapper.
**************************************************************
Friday, December 24, 2010
Don We Now Our Gayest
Apparel - In Manassas, Virginia, 10 boys who are members
of the "Christmas Sweater Club" at Battlefield High School are
facing detention and other disciplinary measures for tossing candy
canes to students as they entered school before class started at 7
a.m. They were two-inch candy canes wrapped in cellophane. They
say school officials told them they were guilty of trying to
"maliciously maim students with the intent to injure" and that the
candy canes are weapons "because you can sharpen them with your
mouth and stab people with them," although nobody actually did
that. One boy's mom says an administrator told her, "Not everyone
wants Christmas cheer, that suicide rates are up over Christmas,
and that they should keep their cheer to themselves."
* I think I see why suicide rates are up at that school.
* They were peppermint, the
same ingredient found in pepper spray!
* If they want to ban anything as a danger to society, ban
Christmas sweaters.
* Stabbing someone with a candy cane you sharpened by licking
it...It's like the worst "Saw" movie ever.
**************************************************************
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Urine Trouble Now -
Raymond Hartley Jr. of Northampton County, Pennsylvania, was
caught using a Whizzinator prosthetic penis to take a
court-ordered drug test while he was on probation for burglary.
But Hartley told the judge that he "didn't do this to trick
anybody," and that the drug-free urine in the device was his own.
He claimed he used the fake penis because he felt emasculated
after probation officials who monitored his previous tests made
fun of the size of his real penis, and he only did it to avoid
ridicule. He said, "This is not comfortable for me to talk about."
The judge didn't buy it and ordered him back to prison.
* But it's absolutely true! He does have a tiny penis, and it's
not comfortable for him to talk about it!
* The judge did note for the record that the defendant's penis was laughably small.
* I'm inclined to believe him because most men would rather go to prison than
admit that in public.
* If he thought the drug tests were humiliating, he's going to
love the prison showers.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
They're Obviously Adults -
Wet T-shirt contests finally have an outspoken defender in
politics. In Australia, liberal officials denounced the wet
T-shirt contest at the Kimberly Pub in Broome as demeaning to
women and said it cast them as sex objects. But Senator Glenn
Sterle, who was a truck driver for 10 years before going into
politics, is standing up for wet T-shirts. Pointing to the big
crowd it drew and the overwhelming online support, Sterle said
it's obvious politicians are out of step with the public. Sterle
said the contestants are adults, and if people want to pay to
see it, "why not?" In fact, he vowed to attend the next time
he's there. He said, "People who say it demeans women, get your
feet back on the ground," and that condemning a "bit of
fun...paints all politicians as stale bottles of milk."
* It's an odd expression, but for some reason, he was thinking
of bottles and milk.
* The term "wet blankets" might have been more appropriate.
* This should give his approval rating a big bounce.
* So feminists think it's demeaning for women to show their
boobs in public, but if you ask a woman not to breastfeed in a
restaurant, they'll have you arrested.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Plus A B.S. In B.S. -
The business networking website LinkedIn.com surveyed over 85
million member profiles from a dozen countries to compile the top
10 most overused clichés people use to describe themselves.
If you want to stand out to employers and land a job, they suggest
you avoid putting them on your resume. That means you should not
claim to be an Innovative, motivated, results-oriented team player
with extensive experience, or a fast-paced, dynamic,
entrepreneurial problem-solver with a proven track record.
* Even if you are one...They'll never believe you.
* Especially don't say that if you're applying for a job as a
resume writer.
* Or if you do say this, at least leave out "innovative."
* Be honest and tell them you're a lazy, dim-witted,
process-oriented clock-watcher with unrelated experience and an
extensive criminal record.
**************************************************************
Monday, December 20, 2010
Hardened Criminals -
Baker Vince Bowen of Wigan, England, was delivering a load of pies
to the World Pie Eating Championships when someone stole them from
his van along the way. Bowen uses an unusual preservative to keep
the potatoes firm: small amounts of Viagra. So whoever stole them
got a load of Viagra pies. Contest organizer Tony Callaghan called
it "a right cock-up."
* Way up, in fact.
* It should be easy enough to pick them out of the police lineup.
* These were shepherd's pies, so whoever ate them will get aroused
around sheep.
**************************************************************
Friday, December 17, 2010
Take Two! - Oprah
was filming her show in Australia when Hugh Jackman thrilled the
audience by sliding 100 yards on a zipwire from the top of the
Sydney Opera House to the stage below. Unfortunately, he hit the
brake too late; crashed into a lighting rig, cutting his eye;
flipped 90 degrees; and hung over the stage for several seconds
before descending to the stage. Oprah stopped the show while
paramedics put an ice bag on his eye. Jackman said, "That was so
much fun until the end."
* To prove she's not a lesbian, Oprah declared having Hugh Jackman
dangle over her to be one of Oprah's Favorite Things.
* Oprah was able to do it just fine.
* If he has to wear an eye patch, he'll have no depth
perception...Not that he had any before.
* Was it really an accident, or was he trying to land a role in
the new "Spider-Man" musical?
**************************************************************
Thursday,
December 16, 2010
Makes Thousand-Year-Old
Eggs Look Fresh - Archeologists digging near the ancient
Chinese capital of Xian believe they have discovered a
2,400-year-old pot of soup. It's some liquid and bones that were
sealed in a small, bronze vessel inside a tomb. It had turned
green from oxidation, but they believe it's the earliest discovery
of bone soup in Chinese history. They say this will help them
understand more about the eating habits of people from 475 to 220
B.C.
* It also explains why that was known as "The Rolaid Dynasty."
* This is also believed to be the oldest known example of Chinese
take-out.
* This was the very first sample of "Chicken Soup for the Soul."
* The oldest soup ever found in America was the soup du jour at a
Newark Denny's.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Employee Of The Month -
Jackie Patel of Waltham, Massachusetts, is either the bravest or
craziest convenience store clerk in America. Two would-be robbers
burst in, and one in a black ninja outfit demanded money and
threatened him with an arm-length machete. Video cameras captured
Patel calmly stirring his coffee, then setting it down, picking up
a feather duster by the feather end, holding it like a sword with
the handle up, and beating back the machete as he called 911. The
ninja robber panicked and fled.
* Maybe he was allergic.
* It was quite a dust-up.
* To be fair, he did use the pointy handle end.
* When I saw that video, you could've knocked me over with a
feather.
* Well, he also had that boiling hot cup of convenience store
coffee for back-up.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
John Dough - The
city of Dortmund, Germany, has come up with a novel way to help
pay off its $133 million deficit: they're taxing sex. Officials
passed a "pleasure tax" that requires prostitutes to buy a 6 euro
($7.94 US) "day ticket" for every day they work. They estimate it
will bring in 750,000 euros a year. There was an alternative
proposal to charge a 1 or 2 euro fee to anyone who entered the red
light district looking for a prostitute, but that idea got little
political support.
* That's because the politicians would be paying for that
themselves.
* So once again, prostitutes get screwed.
* For government officials, there is no greater pleasure than
raising taxes.
* The politicians figured it was only fair for them to tax the
prostitutes' business since the prostitutes had taxed their
business so many times.
* It's like Disneyland: one ticket is good for a whole day's worth
of rides.
**************************************************************
Monday, December 13, 2010
About Time Her Balls
Dropped - MTV announced that they will put a new twist on
the traditional dropping of the giant mirrored ball in Times
Square on New Year's Eve. For the MTV New Year's Bash, they plan a
"Jersey Shore" theme, with Pauly D DJ'ing as their own, second
giant ball descends from a tall building with Snooki inside.
* Hopefully at around 200 mph.
* The crowd will get together and count down the last 15 minutes
of her fame.
* This won't be the first time she'll spend her New Year's Eve
around a pair of balls in Times Square.
**************************************************************
Friday,
December 10, 2010
"Disney's Lawyers On Line
2" - The Chinese publisher Beijing Mediatime was left
red-faced and apologizing over a new collection of Grimm's fairy
tales. They wanted to bring out a version in Chinese, but they
couldn't find the original German version to translate, so they
used a Japanese copy. They didn't realize it was a book of erotic
fairy tale parodies, with twists like Snow White having an orgy
with the Seven Dwarfs. The publisher yanked the book after getting
complaints from parents. A spokesman explained that they don't
read Japanese so they trusted the translator, who was a
post-graduate student.
* Hey, don't blame him: he translated it perfectly.
* In this version, Snow White starts out feeling Bashful, and ends
up feeling Sleepy.
* That's nothing; their last book of fairy tales turned out to be
gay porn.
* In this book, somebody puts Rohypnol in Sleeping Beauty's Rum
and Coke.
* You can tell they're fairy tales and not fables because
they have no morals.
* Luckily, most Chinese children are too busy making sneakers to
read fairy tales.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
December 9, 2010
Unemployment Drives People
Insane - Douglas Allen Smith, an unemployed cabinet
installer from Eugene, Oregon, was amused by the TV show "Chuck"
when a character's dad named him "Captain Awesome" because "a poor
nickname builds good character." So he decided to test that theory
by legally changing his own name to "Captain Awesome." He was
actually able to convince a skeptical judge to agree, and to let
him sign his name as a right arrow, a smiley face and a left
arrow. But he still can't get his bank to accept that signature
because it's too easy to forge.
* It might actually be the work of "Captain Identity Theft!"
* It is pretty awesome, though.
* If he were really all that awesome, he'd be able to convince
them.
* He now feels superior to his two brothers, Captain Crunch and
Captain Kangaroo.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Angry People Bite His
Head Off - Saturday was National Cookie Day, and in
honor of that, Dunkin Donuts surveyed customers and discovered you
could tell something about people's personalities by how they eat
gingerbread men. Nearly two-thirds eat the head first, which Alan
Hirsch, director of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research
Foundation in Chicago, says indicates that they are achievement
oriented and won't take no for an answer. He said skeptics usually
eat the right hand first, creative people eat the left arm, and
sensitive people eat the legs.
* If they're that sensitive, how can they eat gingerbread men at
all?
* Paris Hilton goes straight for the crotch.
* Fat people eat the entire thing in one bite.
* Realists complain that the gingerbread man isn't anatomically
correct.
* Sociopaths grind the gingerbread man into crumbs and then blow
up his gingerbread house.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, December 7, 2010 (Pearl Harbor Day)
Who TOOK His Calls?! -
California prison officials are having such a problem with inmates
getting contraband cell phones, they revealed that even Charles
Manson, who's in prison for convincing other people to kill for
him, was discovered to have had a cell phone. He made calls to
unknown people in Canada and three states.
* And Jupiter.
* He's on the Friends and Manson Family Plan.
* He didn't convince the people he called to kill anybody, but
he's the most persuasive telemarketer in history...And that could
be even worse.
**************************************************************
Monday,
December 6, 2010
"Gleave!" - Believe it or
not, "Glee" could end up as the most realistic depiction of high
school ever on TV, at least in one way. Creator Ryan Murphy says
he wants the cast members to start graduating and be replaced by
younger actors, with some of the current stars leaving as soon as
2012. Murphy said, "There's nothing more depressing than a high
schooler with a bald spot."
* Unless it's the ones on "Beverly Hills 90210" who were battling
Alzheimer's.
* They could just get Botox...Real teenagers do that now.
* Yes, that would undermine the reality of a show where modern
teenagers suddenly break into fully-orchestrated Journey songs.
* Plus, real teenagers will work for minimum wage.
**************************************************************
Friday, December 3, 2010
The
First
Lipstick Lesbian - Mattel is threatening legal action
against two Argentinean artists who created a lesbian Barbie
calendar. The photos show Barbie and another fashion doll nude or
posing in various intimate situation. They say it's a comment on
how sex is used to sell everything these days, and that they got
permission from a subsidiary of Mattel. But Mattel says they had
nothing to do with it and they'll take legal action to prevent
Barbie from being portrayed in that way.
* The real Barbie would never wear
a flannel shirt!
* Are they sure the other doll is a naked lesbian and not just
Ken?
* Well, finally we know what Barbie's "friend" Midge was there
for.
* The photo for July shows them building a deck onto Barbie's
Dream House.
* Lesbian Barbie gave all her sparkling gowns to Ken.
**************************************************************
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Her Shape: Wasp-Waisted -
Monday, author Rowan Somerville won the Literary Review's annual
"Bad Sex In Fiction Prize" for writing the worst sex scene of the
year. In his novel, "The Shape of Her," he compares a couple's
lovemaking to a "lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect."
Somerville, who was born in Britain, accepted the award in good
humor, saying that "there is nothing more English than bad sex."
* Aside from bad sex with tea afterward.
* Hey, as they say, "Write what you know."
* So he's saying that English sex is like trying to stick a tiny,
needle-like object into a female with a hard exterior shell?
* The woman who writes those "Twilight" novels demanded a recount.
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
December 1, 2010
Jimmy Choos Blues -
A survey of 4,000 women by the makers of Insolia shoe inserts
found that when the average woman wears a new pair of shoes, she
can stand them for only 34 minutes before her feet start to hurt
too much to take it. Four in ten take a spare pair of old shoes to
change into because they know the new shoes will torture them,
more than half have taken new shoes off and walked home barefoot,
and one in ten have just abandoned their shoes altogether or
borrowed someone else's. But about half of women say they own a
pair of killer heels that are so great looking, they wear them
despite the pain.
* Luckily, they're red, so you don't notice the blood so much.
* This is another reason why the cast of "Sex & The City" need
Botox.
* They torture their feet to look attractive to men, who never
look lower than their chests.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Lindsay Lohan was allowed to leave the Betty Ford rehab
center on a one-day pass to spend Thanksgiving with her family...But which parent? It's so hard to
choose!...They had a traditional Lohan family Thanksgiving
dinner: mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, turkey stuffed with
crack...Lindsay had so much turkey, the tryptophan set off her
drug-monitoring bracelet...This should show other countries how
much Americans revere Thanksgiving: we even let Lindsay Lohan
out of rehab for it!
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Monday, November 29, 2010 (RIP, Leslie
Neilsen)
Hosted By Joan Rivers - Budapest,
Hungary, is hosting an unusual beauty contest: Miss Plastic 2010.
All contestants must have had cosmetic surgery, such as breast or
buttock implants or nose jobs, and provide doctor's records to
prove it. They'll be judged by one panel on their beauty, and by a
medical panel on the quality of their surgery. The winner advances
to face off against international contestants for the title of
Miss Plastic Universe.
* I'm betting that takes place in Vegas.
* Which is exactly like the regular Miss Universe.
* Don't get your hopes up, Hungary; Miss Venezuela always wins
that one.
* It's called a "face-off" because some contestants' faces
actually do fall off occasionally.
* The plastic surgeons in Hungary are top-notch...They all trained
on the Gabor Sisters.
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Friday, November 26, 2010
Undress For Success -
Canada's Industrial Minster Tony Clement was giving a speech in
Ottawa and meant to say that "we need more Canadian success
stories." Instead, what came out was, "We need more Canadian sex
stories." It got a roar of laughter, as did his fumbling attempts
to correct it. Clement later insisted that he had not been
thinking of sex at the time, and that he didn't know why he said
that. He said, "The male brain is a very strange organ at times,
isn't it?"
* Except instead of "brain," he said "penis."
* The brain isn't the male organ he was thinking with at the time.
* Maybe this is why Obama takes his TelePrompter everywhere.
* Canada doesn't have many good sex stories because most of the
nation is frigid.
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Thursday - HAPPY THANKSGIVING! NO UPDATE!
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Wednesday, November 24, 2010
It's 200 Shiloh Jolie-Pitts! -
The New York Times reports that the art of PhotoShopping that
makes models in fashion magazine photos look unrealistically
perfect has now reached the lowest level of bad portraiture:
school yearbook photos. One company says about 10 percent of all
school photos are now altered, with charges starting at $6 to
remove eyeglass glare, rising to $20 for whitening teeth or
removing cowlicks, and going higher for more elaborate fixes with
virtually no limit. They say they've digitally removed a scab from
a boy's face, filled in missing teeth, and even fixed the haircut
a five-year-old gave herself. But child psychiatrists disagree on
whether this is saving children from the trauma of a bad yearbook
photo or sending kids a negative message that it's not okay to
look the way they really do.
* Too late to avoid that!...Their classmates already delivered
that message, hence the facial scabs and missing teeth.
* No problem: once they're 16, their parents will get them plastic
surgery so they look like their old school photos.
* With PhotoShop, they can give your kid a $400 designer haircut
that looks like it was done by a blind five-year-old.
* It's about time all the sixth-grade girls had cleavage!
* If they could PhotoShop yearbook pictures retroactively, the
entire decade of the 1970s would disappear.
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Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Eat Lead! - The
North Brookfield School District in Massachusetts says that a
sixth-grade teacher did not have authorization to write a memo
banning students from carrying pencils. The memo said pencils
would be provided in class and any students caught carrying
pencils or pens to or from school would face disciplinary action
for having materials "to build weapons." The superintendent said
there is no such ban, and they would never use the word "weapon"
to describe pens and pencils.
* Unless you use them to write a poison pen letter.
* Unless you sharpen the pencil, and then it's a felony.
* They know the difference between a pencil and a weapon...They're
not the TSA.
* Writing implements can be deadly in the wrong hands, like the
hands of that woman who writes "Twilight" novels.
* They should've known the school officials didn't write that memo
because "disciplinary" was spelled correctly.
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Monday, November 22, 2010
Saddle Up! - Eric Easley
of Mobile, Alabama, is charged with animal cruelty for allegedly
having sex with a miniature horse. Easley denied it and hired
defense attorney "Cowboy Bob" Clark, who told WPMI-TV, "You can
get a ham sandwich and indict it, but that don't mean the ham
sandwich was guilty of anything, except being a bad ham sandwich."
Police found Easley's wallet in the horse's stable, but Easley
claims he lost that while trying to help an injured deer.
* By having sex with it.
* It wasn't technically an "injury" so much as a problem with
intimacy.
* That wasn't a deer, it was a horse that he called "Dear."
* He hired a cowboy lawyer because he wanted someone who knew what
it was like to really ride a horse.
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Friday, November 19, 2010
Next, She Beaned Him -
Yesterday came a story of a man arrested for allegedly throwing
mashed potatoes at his girlfriend. Now, Adyan Sanchez of
Bradenton, Florida, has been arrested for domestic battery for
allegedly assaulting her boyfriend with a plate of tamales. Police
say she told them he'd called her a "bitch" in front of their
one-year-old son, and she wasn't going to let him get away with
it. When police arrived, they found the boyfriend with tamale
sauce all over the front of his pants.
* And he was doing a salsa dance.
* Maybe he's just a slob who never uses a napkin.
* She wasn't even considerate enough to say, "Careful! The plate
is hot!"
* He learned his lesson: now he just calls her his "hot tamale."
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Thursday, November 18, 2010
Men Just Fight Or Run Away
- Women who are always nagging men that they're harming their
health by not sharing their feelings won't feel too happy about a
new study by Oklahoma State University researcher Jennifer
Byrd-Craven. She found that compassionate conversation about your
problems can relieve stress, but "too much of a good thing is a
bad thing." Women who talk at length and dwell on each other's
problems show a spike in the stress hormone cortisol and increased
activity in the "fight or flight" response part of the nervous
system. She says excessive ruminating on problems can lead to
chronic stress, which is linked to high blood pressure, lower
immune response and increased abdominal fat.
* It's a vicious circle because the main thing women obsess on
with each other is their increased abdominal fat.
* Men never talk about their feelings, so they have none of those
problems.
* Women are going to be so worried about this study, they'll yak
about it with their friends for weeks.
* So listening to women talk about their feelings makes your blood
pressure go up? Any man could've told her that.
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Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Married Or Buried -
Last Thursday at the Burger Stop in Los Angeles, Francisco
Hernandez proposed to his girlfriend. She said no. Police say he
then went back to his car and tried to run over her. He allegedly
drove onto the sidewalk, through some bushes and into the
restaurant parking lot, narrowly missing her. He had "Stacy Will
You Marry Me" written on his back windshield. He fled on foot and
was later spotted carrying a bouquet of flowers and arrested for
assault with a deadly weapon.
* Typical man: he thinks a bouquet of flowers will smooth over ANYTHING.
* He had "Stacy, Will You Marry Me" on his back windshield, and
"Die, Bitch!" on his front fender.
* One way or another, he was going to be with her until death did
they part.
* She turned him down because her name is Tracy.
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Tuesday,
November 16, 2010
Why The Comedy Wire Is
Written Overnight - A study by the London School of
Economics suggests that people who are night owls are smarter.
Researchers say that being oriented toward "eveningness" is an
"evolutionarily novel preference" made by people with "a higher
level of cognitive complexity." People with lower IQs tend to
restrict their activities primarily to daytime. They warned that
sleep preferences are about 50 percent genetic, so it's not a good
idea for a day person to try to become smarter by staying up all
night.
* Unless you're reading.
* That's what Lindsay Lohan did instead of going to college.
* This also explains why Congress meets from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.
* People with lower I.Q.'s also tend to restrict themselves to
daytime TV.
* A smart dayperson is one who doesn't shout, "Doncha just love morning?!" at a night
person.
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Monday, November 15, 2010
Don't Even Think About
It! - Italy's highest appeals court, the Cassation Court
in Rome, has upheld a lower court's awarding of an annulment to a
man because his wife "theorized" about having an affair. The
couple told judges that she had "theorized" about the possibility
that sexual fidelity wasn't necessary to marriage, but never
actually did anything. Still, the court granted her husband an
annulment with no support payments just because she'd thought
about being unfaithful. She'd wanted it converted to a divorce
with alimony, but the appeals court refused.
* He doesn't object to paying her alimony...in THEORY...
* The moral here is that you should never, ever tell your spouse
what you're thinking.
* Now she could get life in prison for what she's thinking about
doing to her ex-husband.
* She's lucky: if a husband theorized to his Italian wife about
having an affair, he'd get the death penalty.
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Friday, November 12, 2010
Filmed In Cinemascope!
- It's a great week for fans of really bad movies. The man
generally considered to be the world's worst living director, Uwe
Boll, creator of such video game-inspired stinkfests as
"BloodRayne," released the trailer and poster for his next film,
"Blubberella." It stars a plus-plus-sized leading lady as a fat
superheroine who is also part vampire and fights Nazis. The
tagline on the poster is "She will kick major ass...with her major
ass!"
* And you can count on that because a major ass wrote the script.
* She kills Nazis by sitting on them.
* German vampires tend to get very fat from eating blood sausage.
VIDEO
LINK! We know you want to see the trailer...
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Thursday, November 11, 2010
Right Next Door To The Sean Penn
Anger Management School - After years of excuses and
denials, Dina Lohan finally admitted on the "Today" show that her
daughter Lindsay is an addict. But after only six weeks at the
Betty Ford Center, Dina says that Lindsay is now "a different
person" and her life has been changed. In fact, she said Lindsay
is so impressed with the Betty Ford Center, she wants to help
other people by starting her own Lindsay Lohan Rehab Clinic.
* The only rehab clinic with an actual revolving door!
* It'll be just like the Betty Ford Center, only every room will
have a wet bar.
* Lindsay cares so much, she'll be there in person to confiscate
every patient's drugs.
* People will love it so much, they'll come back again and again!
* The Lindsay Lohan Rehab Clinic is where women will end up after
they attend the Liza Minnelli Marriage Seminar.
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Wednesday,
November 10, 2010
Le Petite Mort - The
Polish coffin maker Linder is using its calendars to bring some
sexiness back to death. For the second year in a row, they've
photographed hot models in lingerie posing next to their coffins.
A Catholic Church spokesman said it isn't sexy, it's tasteless,
shocking and disturbing. But Linder says they sold 3,000 sexy
coffin calendars last year and expect to sell more this year. The
2011 calendar goes even farther, with scenes inspired by movies
like "Reservoir Dogs," "The Godfather" and 007 films, such as a
model in a lacy thong forcing a man into a coffin at gunpoint.
* He'll lie down in the coffin, but good luck getting the lid
closed.
* These models are so hot, they make even live guys stiff.
* These women give new meaning to the term "drop-dead gorgeous."
* This answers the question, "How many Polish models in thongs
does it take to make a man lie down in a coffin? One."
NOTE! Seriously, how many other radio
comedy services would use that subhead? Google it if you must.
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