***************************************************************
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Tubby Asses - Six women
from Essex County, New Jersey, ended up in the hospital after they paid
unlicensed plastic surgeons to enhance their buttocks with
nonmedical-grade silicone, which police described as "the same stuff
you use to put caulk around the bathtub." Luckily, the women had
surgery and are recovering, but the head of plastic surgery at Robert
Wood Johnson University Hospital said that having bathtub caulk
injected into your buttocks can cause abscesses that resemble "a big
zit."
* And after they're drained, you can't zit down.
* Also, the caulk can shift and seal up your crack.
* You can't use caulk to enhance your buttocks...It makes a good
wrinkle-filler, though.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Just Read Some Balzac Until We
Land - In 2008, Montreal resident Marcel Cote was flying with
his wife to Puerto Vallarta when he felt discomfort between his legs,
went to the bathroom and found spots of blood on his scrotum. He asked
a male flight attendant to take a close look at it. The man refused.
The crew also refused to divert the plane so he could see a doctor, and
gave him sanitary towels instead. After landing, Cote discovered he had
a ruptured blood vessel and needed three stitches. He then sued the
airline for $8,000 for the anguish he suffered from the crew's neglect.
A female judge just threw it out, ruling that it wasn't that scary a
problem, and it's not a flight attendant's job to examine a passenger's
scrotum.
* Well, not a male flight
attendant's job...
* He had really hoped to get a male judge.
* You have to be on a terrorist watch list to get that close an
examination at the airport.
* He would've asked his wife to look down there, but she would've said,
"Forget it, I've fallen for THAT one
before!"
***************************************************************
Monday, March 8, 2010
Very Strict Freudian -
In Kenton County, Kentucky, psychiatrist Douglas Rank is charged with
first-degree assault for allegedly stabbing a female patient with a
sword. Witnesses say they caught him looming over her and had to
wrestle the sword out of his hand. But that didn't diminish the loyalty
of his other patients. They are coming by the jail, wanting to know if
they can keep their appointments with him, or if they can bring in his
prescription pad so he can prescribe drugs for them. The sheriff told
them absolutely not.
* Too bad, I bet he knows some really good drugs.
* But at least now, he knows why the doctor is so popular.
* Man, those people need to get their heads examined.
* It would be the best therapy deal ever, since he's only allowed to
make 11 cents an hour.
* He claims that was part of the woman's therapy: she thought she was a
cocktail olive.
***************************************************************
Friday, March 5, 2010
Wasn't This On "Reno 911?" -
Police in Tacoma, Washington, responded to a 911 call that there was a
naked woman tied to a tree in Point Defiance Park. Officers talked to
the woman and a nearby man, but made no arrests. They determined that
it was a "consensual rendezvous."
* And 30 people had already bought tickets.
* The man told her, "I really love your peaches, wanna shake your
tree."
* I might actually become a tree-hugger, if they all had naked women
tied to them.
***************************************************************
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I'm Guessing...A Refried Bean?
- TheBookseller.com is now accepting votes from the public for
its annual "Oddest Book Title of the Year" award. The six finalists are
"Afterthoughts of a Worm Hunter," "Crocheting Adventures with
Hyperbolic Planes," "Collectible Spoons of the Third Reich," "Governing
Lethal Behavior in Autonomous Robots," "What Kind of Bean is This
Chihuahua" and "The Changing World of Inflammatory Bowel Disease."
There were a record 90 nominees this year. Among those that didn't make
the final cut: "How You Are Like Shampoo: For Job Seekers" and
"Peek-A-Poo: What's in Your Diaper?"
* Hailed as the worst Harry Potter novel yet.
* That's a sequel to the book on inflammatory bowel disease.
* The bowel disease book is kind of dull, but it makes great bathroom
reading.
* If you have inflammatory bowel disease, your world is pretty much
stuck where it is.
* The robot book title is silly because everyone knows you can't govern lethal behavior in
autonomous robots!
***************************************************************
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Sure..."Real" Artifacts -
Recently, it was reported that a 140-year-old hot dog was found encased
in ice underneath Feltman's Kitchen, an old Coney Island restaurant
that was owned by the inventor of the Coney Island hot dog. Now, the
New York Post reveals that it was a hoax. The History Project made up
the 140-year-old hot dog story to get publicity for a historic exhibit
this summer featuring real artifacts from Feltman's restaurant.
* Like a 140-year-old soy latte.
* The 140-year-old hot dog is the type of thing only a reporter would
swallow.
* It was just a hoax...The 140-year-old hot dog was actually found on
the heat rollers at a 7-11.
* If New Yorkers want to see a petrified hot dog, they'll just have to
buy one from a pushcart.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Nanny State - Police
near the rural town of Mbucuta, Mozambique, caught two young men in the
act of allegedly raping a goat. One was naked and holding the goat's
head, while the other had sex with it. They'll face trial for larceny,
but that's not the end of their worries. The owner of the goat may also
file a civil suit for damages, plus he's demanding that they make
traditional wedding arrangemnts and pay him a dowry.
* The men are fine with that.
* That's crazy! As the father of the bride, he should pay the dowry!
* This is highly improper! Two men can't have the same wife! Each of
them should marry multiple goats!
***************************************************************
Monday, March 1, 2010
Or 9,999 More Copies Of That
One - Louie Sulcer of Woodstock, Georgia, won a contest to find
the 10 billionth song downloaded from iTunes. He paid 99 cents to get
Johnny Cash's "I Don't Like It, But I Guess Things Happen That Way,"
and won a gift certificate for $10,000 worth of music.
* So he bought 9,999 more Johnny Cash songs.
* So now, he likes the way things happen.
* He asked if he could take it in Cash.
* The problem: he looked all through iTunes and couldn't find anything
else he wanted.
***************************************************************
Friday, February 26, 2010
A Hummer Without A Happy
Ending - It's possible that an era of giant vehicles could be
coming to an end. GM had a deal to sell its money-losing Hummer brand
to China. But it collapsed yesterday when Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy
Industrial Machines pulled out. GM said it had no choice but to shut
down Hummer. They said they'll work with Hummer employees, dealers and
suppliers to wind down Hummer "in an orderly and responsible manner."
* Because when you think of responsibility and respect for order, you
think of Hummers.
* Where's the federal bailout? If anything is too big to fail, it's
Hummers!
* Turns out the Chinese don't need Hummers...It's that damn "one child
rule."
* The Heavy Industrial Machine Company decided it just couldn't make
anything that big.
* From now on, if you want a vehicle that will strike fear into other
drivers, you'll have to buy a Toyota.
***************************************************************
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Young Man With A Porpoise
- Police in Eslov, Sweden, report that a 26--year-old man showed up at
the police station to complain that he wasn't satisfied with the
quality of the hashish someone sold him and wanted it tested. He said
he'd been smoking hash for ten years and never had such a bad trip, and
he suspected it was contaminated with LSD. He said this dawned on him
when his TV began talking to him, and he suddenly realized his
girlfriend was a dolphin. Ironically, he'll likely face charges for
hash possession, but the dealer won't because the man wouldn't identify
him.
* Is it his fault that all 8-foot purple rabbits look alike?
* His girlfriend actually is a
dolphin...He'd just never noticed it
before because of all the hash.
* He also refused to turn his girlfriend over to Sea World because he
likes her blowhole too much.
* It's so infuriating when people contaminate your drugs with
narcotics.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
But They All Drive On The
Wrong Side Of The Road - If you failed your driver's license
test the first time, don't feel bad. Continental Tires surveyed 6200
British drivers nationwide, age 17 to 65, and found that people who had
to take their driving test a second time were the safest of all
drivers. They've had the fewest accidents in the past five years, were
less likely to scare their passengers with their driving and were less
likely than any other group to have been cited for using a cell phone
while driving. However, the least safe of all groups, the ones most
likely to have run a red light, gotten speeding tickets or hit a
stationary object, are people who failed their test four, five or six
times before getting a license.
* Or who just gave up after test #6 and kept driving anyway.
* That's what the British government means by having a "license to
kill."
* The more times they fail it, the more liquid courage they need to try
again.
* After the sixth try, the driving examiner just gives you a license
out of a sense of survival.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Then She Smothered And Covered
Him - Police in Pooler, Georgia, arrested two sisters in an
alleged Valentine Day assault on a man at a Waffle House on Highway 80.
They say the man was eating with his girlfriend in a booth when the
women burst in. One is the mother of the man's children. The sisters
started an argument, and the man's ex allegedly took off her high heel
and began beating him with it. She's charged with battery and criminal
damage to private property. They man suffered wounds to his face
consistent with "the spiked heel from a shoe."
* Ironically, his face looks just like a Waffle.
* Foot pain makes her mean.
* He couldn't decide between the two women...He's a waffler.
* Considering he took his girlfriend to Waffle House for Valentine's
Day, this was probably going to happen even if his ex hadn't shown up.
***************************************************************
Monday, February 22, 2010
Mmmm..."Preserves!" -
If you want to rebel against Michelle Obama's anti-obesity campaign,
there's a website for you: "ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com." The Daily Telegraph
reports that the site compiles the most fattening recipes of all time
to combat dieting and celebrate all things unhealthy. They include the
chocolate-covered bacon maple doughnut bar; Burger King funnel cake
fries with icing dip; the double coronary burger; and the 15-pound
"Porkgasm." It's a pork belly stuffed with bacon, sausage and minced
pork; wrapped in more bacon, and formed into the shape of a pig.
* And deep-fried...then dipped in chocolate…Serves one.
* It's also known as "the Alec Baldwin."
* Seems like it would be less work just to eat an actual pig.
* To websurfers, this stuff is all health food.
* If you forget the web address, Kevin Smith's site has a link to it.
***************************************************************
Friday, February 19, 2010
Furry Geller - A female
cat in Middlebank,Scotland, got an empty cat food can stuck on her
head. But she's doing fine after she wandered into the SPCA Wildlife
Rescue Center, and they removed it. However, staffers are still trying
to figure out how she knew to go to the animal rescue center, and how
she made it there, including crossing streets without being hit by a
car, all while completely blinded by a can over her head.
* The cat food was Nine Lives.
* She has a real "can-do" spirit.
* Maybe a parrot sat on her back and gave her directions.
* This may be a miracle in Scotland, but in Korea, a cat in a can is
just considered convenience food.
***************************************************************
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Hey, The Cat Would Eat YOU -
Beppe Bigazzi, a food expert on the Italian TV show "The Cook's
Challenge," has been suspended indefinitely after extolling the
deliciousness of "tender, white cat meat" on national TV. Animal rights
groups were outraged, but Bigazzi says he wasn't suggesting eating cat
now, just reminiscing about the World War II era in Tuscany, when
people dealt with the food shortage by eating cats. But Bigazzi did
note that the best way to prepare a cat was to leave it under running
water for three days to tenderize it before cooking it into a stew.
* Step One: Declaw the cat.
* Wow! I can't even get my cat to hold still in the bathtub for 30
seconds!
* It sounds like this recipe was invented by dogs...It's designed to
make cats give up state secrets.
* He's off the air in Italy, but he's #1 in Korea.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
February
17,
2010
No, They Won't - A
study by the University of Kentucky and the Kinsey Institute suggests
that men might not like to wear condoms because they fit badly. They
surveyed 436 men age 18 to 67. Nearly half complained that during the
previous three months, they'd used a badly fitting condom that slipped,
broke, was irritating or reduced sensation. Researchers say the problem
is that men need to buy condoms that fit, but they won't buy condoms
labeled "small" or "medium." They said education programs could likely
rectify this.
* What, you can teach them not to be men?
* Just label condoms like olives: "Giant," "Colossal," and
"Super-Colossal."
* They lose sensation because they have to wrap a dishtowel around it
just to keep the condom on.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
February
16,
2010
It's Not Like She'll Be Walking
Anywhere! - An undertaker in Zagreb, Croatia, told the local
media some of the strangest final requests he'd heard during 50 years
in the business. One woman refused to be buried by her husband's side
and wanted to be buried by her pet parrot instead. Another wanted her
coffin lined in banknotes. Many family members have asked him to dig up
relatives to recover their jewelry, which he refuses. But the weirdest
was a woman who wanted to dig up her mother and get her artificial hip.
She said she'd paid for it and she wanted it back.
* Actually, she hadn't paid for it...She'd rented it.
* How sweet that she wanted a little piece of her mom to keep at her
side always!
* The woman who wanted to be buried in a coffin lined with money
must've worked for the government.
* The woman preferred her parrot to her husband because at least the
parrot talked to her.
***************************************************************
Monday, February 15, 2010
That Won't Even Cover The
Surgery Bill! - Heidi Montag already posed for Playboy but
didn't show much. But InTouch Weekly says that now that she's had so
much plastic surgery, and is especially happy with her Triple-D breast
implants, she needs money and is finally ready to pose topless. Playboy
has reportedly made an offer of $500,000.
* Heidi wants to know if that's $500,000 each, or for both of them?
* For a million, she'll get bigger implants.
* Playboy considered just photographing a Barbie doll instead, but
Mattel wanted too much money.
* Heidi would make a perfect Centerfold...She already has the staples
in her stomach.
* In the first pictorial, you only saw one boob, and that was Spencer
Pratt.
***************************************************************
Friday, February 12, 2010
Cashmere Goats Think It's
Delicious - Environmentalists are trying to get people to give
up soft toilet paper for scratchy recycled paper, so they'll love the
British grocery chain Waitrose’s new “cashmere toilet paper.” It's not
actually made from cashmere, but the ultra-soft paper is covered in oil
extracted from the hairs of the cashmere goat. A spokesman told the
Daily Telegraph, "Cashmere provides that stamp of quality to any
fashion garment from a designer suit to the finest luxury knitwear.
It's indulgent, it's stylish and it's helping provide that extra
softness to our new premium bathroom tissue collection."
* No thanks, I'm holding out for angora.
* I'll bet Al Gore uses it.
* People will know you demand the best when they smell that warm, goaty
aroma.
* Still, this isn't real cashmere, so I'll just keep using pashmina
scarves.
***************************************************************
Thursday, February 11, 2010
How Could British Food
Possibly Have Gotten Worse? - A study by the U.K. Food
Standards Agency found that despite the government spending hundreds of
millions of tax dollars on healthy eating PR campaigns over the last
decade, people are eating worse than they did 10 years ago. Just 35
percent of British adults and 15 percent of teens eat five portions of
fruit and vegetables a day. Children's milk consumption has fallen,
adults eat twice as much sausage as white fish, and boys eat nearly as
much chocolate as they do salad and raw vegetables.
* In fact, they consider chocolate sauce to be a salad dressing.
* The British also ignore all the PSA's about brushing your teeth.
* Is it considered a serving of vegetables if the pig your sausage came
from was a vegetarian?
* Like I'm going to listen to a government that’s trillions in debt
when it tells me I'm bloated and consume too much.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Those Things Cost An Arm And A
Leg! - Police in Essex, England, are searching for a man who is
suspected of stealing a single cufflink worth about $180 (US). Clerks
say he knocked some cufflinks to the floor, and after they picked them
up, they realized one was missing. Security cameras revealed that the
man had an empty sleeve tucked in his pocket and apparently has only
one arm.
* So at least he didn't take more than he could use.
* Question: How is the one-armed man going to put the cufflink on?
***************************************************************
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
That Moron Never Even Heard Of A
TelePrompter! - Saturday, Sarah Palin spoke at the first Tea
Party convention in Nashville, delivering a blistering rebuke to
President Obama and the Washington power elite. But liberal bloggers
are ridiculing her mercilessly because photos revealed that she wrote
several one-word bullet points on her palm to remind her what to say in
what order.
*
Hey,
"you
betcha"
is
TWO words!
* If she had five words written
down and said more than five words, she did better than Obama.
* They'd better lay off: Sarah has
five bullet points and 10,000 bullets.
* She never did that in
Alaska...It's impossible with mittens on.
***************************************************************
Monday, February 8, 2010
Here's Your Cell! - A 51-year-old
woman in Crestview, Florida, allegedly called 911 four times in 90
minutes to report that her husband took her cell phone and wouldn't
give it back. After the third call, police came out, called the cell
number and heard it ringing in the room. They told her not to call 911
again, but she did. So they came out and arrested her for abusing the
911 line. Before placing her in the patrol car, they searched
her. They found the cell phone in her jacket pocket.
* And in her other pocket, a bottle of Southern Comfort.
* They never found her husband, though.
* You think that's forgetful?
She'd been calling 911 on the cell phone.
***************************************************************
Friday, Frebruary 5, 2010
12 Horny Men - Patsy Hamaker of
Bessemer, Alabama, was working as a stripper at the Furnace club in
2007 when she left to go home and was injured in a car crash. She sued
the club, claiming they failed to stop her from driving home after
she'd been drinking on the job, and she can no longer dance because of
her injuries. The club attorneys said employees tried to keep her from
driving home, but the jury awarded her $100,000 in compensatory
damages.
* To be paid entirely in singles.
* She's the first stripper who
actually did break her Money Maker.
* She didn't have airbags, but
luckily, her breast implants were the same size.
* So the jury really believed that
a drunken stripper couldn't find any man willing to drive her home?
***************************************************************
Thursday, February 4, 2010
They
Said She Was Too Old - 24-year-old Carey Mulligan was nominated
for Best Actress for "An Education" and is being heralded as the new
Audrey Hepburn, despite having no formal training because three
different acting schools rejected her.
* They said she was too old.
* So I guess the lesson is that an
education is highly overrated.
* She finally landed the part by
sleeping with an older Jewish guy who ran the movie studio.
* This reminds me of the story of
Albert Einstein, and how he couldn't get into acting school, either.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
AKA
"The Tuesday Special At Red Lobster" - Hawaiian State Rep.
James Tokioka has drafted a bill that would ban catching, selling or
even possessing walu, or Hawaiian butterfish. It's already banned in
Japan and Italy. Walu is also known to the natives as Maku'u or
"exploding intestines." It has high levels of wax esters that protect
it from predators but give people sudden, uncontrollable diarrhea. One
doctor says if restaurants can't police themselves or keep suppliers
from delivering the fish, then at least an outright ban would "clean up
the process from A to Z."
* Yeah, I bet it would clean it out from one end to the other.
* You'd think restaurants would ban it just to save on upholstery
cleaning.
* People would stop eating it if they just called it "Exploding
Intestines" instead of "Hawaiian butterfish."
* After people eat this, they order blowfish, because they want to die.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Praise
The
Lord!! - MTV has made a deal with the cast of "Jersey Shore"
to return for a second season. MTV's programming president said, "Our
audience has fallen in love with Jersey Shore and its amazing cast who
have really grown together as a family." He said season 2 will find
Snooki, The Situation, and all the other Jersey Italian stereotypes
escaping the cold Northeast for a warmer destination.
*
Is
it
too
much
to
hope
that
it's
Hell?
*
But
take
away
all
the
leather
and
Spandex,
and
who
cares
about
these
people
anymore?
*
These
people
are
a
family
in
the
same
way
that
mold
and
penicillin
are
in
the
same
family.
***************************************************************
Monday,
February
1,
2010
Virgin Airlines owner
Richard Branson
announced his latest project: a "plane" that travels underwater...The captain: Sully Sullenburger...
Instead
of the Mile High Club, passengers can join the Virgin Diver Club.
***************************************************************
Friday, January 29, 2010
He
Gets
Turned
On
By
Lockers
- Police in Seattle report that a mann
there entered the Lusty Lady strip club, then snuck into an overhead
air shaft, apparently intending to follow it to the dancers' dressing
room and peek in on them. But as he was crossing a glass part of the
ceiling above the stage, a dancer heard thumping sounds overhead and
screamed as his legs suddenly came crashing through the ceiling. The
police came over to pull him down and arrest him. They still can't
figure out why he risked arrest to peep at the women in the dressing
room when he was free to watch them dancing naked on stage.
* He has sexual dyslexia: he gets
aroused by watching women put their clothes on.
* Like a lot of guys in strip
clubs, he paid to see naked women, then got the shaft.
* This marks the first time a man
was a victim of a glass ceiling.
***************************************************************
Thursday, January 28, 2010
S.O.S.
- Wednesday, a new museum/theme park called ABBAWORLD opened in London.
The Swedish creators promise it will be a place for "total interaction"
with the band. The band's story is told in 25 rooms spread over 30,000
square feet, complete with Spandex costumes, replicas of their studio
and the seaside cabin where they wrote their songs, a gift shop full of
ABBA stuff, and of course, ABBA songs playing constantly in every room.
There's even a 3D holographic ABBA that visitors can pretend to perform
with. A spokesman said they want visitors to sing and dance like they
do at the show "Mamma Mia." He said it all began with the question,
"How do we give the visitor a big hug in each room?"
* A better question: "How can we build an Exit door into every room?"
* Knowing me, knowing you, let's vacation anywhere else.
* Even the Dancing Queen is too butch for this place.
* It's a musical theme park experience comparable only to being stuck
all day on Disney's "It's A Small World" ride.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
January
27,
2010
As
Long
As
It's
Not
Celine
Dion - A university study in the
Netherlands found that nearly 1 in 10 seven-to-eight-year-olds hear
voices that aren't really there. But they say parents shouldn't worry
because the voices in general have a limited impact in daily life, and
the kids don't find them troubling or disruptive to their thinking.
* As least as long as they do what the voices tell them to, like the
Menendez Brothers did.
* That's just their conscience, which explains why 9 out of 10 don't
hear it.
* Another study found that 10 out of 10 teenage boys hear their
penises talking, and it's the only thing they listen to.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
And That's Only The Tip Of The
Iceberg - Over the weekend, "Avatar" remained #1 and its
worldwide gross reached $1.288 billion in just six weeks, pushing it
past director James Cameron's previous film "Titanic" as the
top-grossing movie of all time, worldwide. However, some critics say
it's an unfair comparison because the majority of "Avatar's" tickets
were sold to 3D showings that cost over $15 a ticket.
* There is a two-dimensional version, but people find it
one-dimensional.
* On the other hand, "Titanic" also had expensive CGI effects, bad
dialogue, and a lot of blue people, so it's pretty much the same thing.
* If Kate Winslet's nude scene in "Titanic" had been in 3D, it would've
made $10 billion.
***************************************************************
Monday, January 25, 2010
And Tiny, Tight Gym Shorts! -
The Augusta Chronicle reports that the All-American Basketball Alliance
hopes to start its first season in June. It's a basketball league only
for white players born in America. AABA commissioner Don "Moose" Lewis
insisted that they're not racist, they just want a league that plays
the fundamental basketball white players like. He said the AABA is for
people who don't like the "street" basketball that's taken over the
NBA, or the gang culture aspects like bringing guns to the locker room,
grabbing your crotch, and attacking and giving the finger to fans. The
AABA hopes to franchise teams in 12 cities, but Lewis says he has
received threats and several cities told him to get out of town.
* The NAACP says the AABA is DOA.
* This will finally prove once and for all that white men really can't jump.
* One bit of luck for him: Conan O'Brien is now available.
* Finally, a basketball league without a lot of obnoxious slam-dunking
and showboating and point-scoring!
* It's like an entire league made up of the teams that lose to the
Harlem Globetrotters.
* If this takes off, I'm forming an all-black hockey league.
***************************************************************
Friday, January 22, 2010
He Calls Her "Holly" -
21-year-old William Shaw of Airdrie, England, is accused of dropping
his pants and underwear to his ankles in the town's Central Park and
simulating sex with a tree. He pleaded not guilty to public indecency.
A neighbor told the Sun newspaper, "I have seen him about, and he seems
a quiet lad." The judge ordered him not to enter Central Park again
before he goes on trial next month.
* Until then, he'll just have to pine away...
* He couldn’t help it, he got a woody.
* In his defense, he didn't know she was a stiff, inanimate piece of
wood; he thought she was an English woman.
* He started out as an innocent tree-hugger, and then something went
horribly wrong.
* With any luck, he'll be out of jail by Arbor Day.
***************************************************************
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Adventure Tours - Some
tattooed ex-gang members in Los Angeles are offering an unusual
sightseeing tour. For $65 a head, tourists can take a guided bus tour
of the most violent gang neighborhoods in L.A. They see everything from
graffiti-covered warehouses to the Central Jail. Some city officials
call it a stupid and dangerous idea. But the guides say it's to show
the little-seen positive side of the ghetto, and that they've gotten
the Crips, Bloods and other gangs to call a ceasefire. However, before
getting on the bus, you have to sign a form absolving them from
responsibility for whatever happens to you.
* And give them all your jewelry.
* And if you're wearing red or blue, all bets are off.
* It's pretty much the same deal you agree to when you ride any bus.
* It's like Disney's "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride, if the robot
pirates were shooting live ammo at you.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
He Was Rocky Mountain High - Police in Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin,
got a complaint of loud music and pounded on an apartment door, trying
to make themselves heard by the resident. When he finally answered, he
claimed he hadn't heard them because he'd been "rocking out to John
Denver." He was ticketed for unnecessary noise and could face a $210
fine.
* Plus 30 days for obviously lying to a police officer.
* They ran him out of Colorado when he caused an avalanche.
* You think that's bad, you should be around for Barry Manilow night.
* It's tough to choose, but I think we've found the whitest man in
Wisconsin.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
January 19, 2010
The
5th
annual
Islamic
Solidarity
Games,
created
to
foster
solidarity
between
Muslim
nations,
have
been
canceled
after
Iran
put
the
words
"Persian
Gulf"
on
the
logo,
and
the
other
nations
that
call
it
the
Arabian
Gulf
became
angry
and
offended,
but
Iran
refused
to
change
it...Thus widening the gulf
between them...Still, it's the first Islamic Solidarity Games that
haven't ended with fatalities, so they're making progress.
***************************************************************
Monday, January 18, 2010 - Martin Luther King Jr. Day
I, The Furry - On their last
Census form, Guy and Anna Esposito of Boston listed their cat, Sal
Esposito, under "pets." That might be why Sal got called for jury duty.
Even worse, when Anna applied to have the cat excused from jury duty,
the jury commissioner denied the request. She said if the issue isn't
cleared up by March 23rd, she'll have to bring the cat to court.
* Why can't he go by himself? He has a driver's license.
* At last, a cat burglar can get a jury of his peers!
* It has no job, no education, it sleeps all day, and it can't speak
English...It's pretty much the typical juror.
* It wasn't the Census form; this happened because ACORN registered him
to vote.
***************************************************************
Friday, January 15, 2010
Stay In Until The 15th And
Save A Bundle On Roses - People magazine claims that Tiger
Woods has checked into an Arizona rehab clinic called The Meadows for
treatment of sex addiction. An expert said it will probably take four
to five weeks, and Tiger should be out by Valentine's Day.
* Or as he calls it, his "busy season."
* And back in by Arbor Day.
* Better make it the day after!
* How can they make a guy lose interest in sex in four weeks? Show him
a month-long Rosie O'Donnell film festival?
***************************************************************
Thursday, January 14, 2010
The No Bang Theory -
Seattle native Peter Backus, a PhD candidate in economics at England's
University of Warwick, applied a mathematical formula to explain why he
doesn't have a girlfriend. He wrote a paper applying the Drake
Equation, a way to estimate the odds of alien life in the universe, to
his chances of finding a girlfriend in the UK. The formula calculates
the number of women in the population who are intelligent, degreed,
interested in his interests, and attractive to him; and then the
chances of meeting one of them who is also attracted to him on any
given day. He found the likelihood of meeting such a women is 0.0000034
percent, which is only about 100 times more likely than his chances of
meeting a space alien.
* Really? It's THAT likely?!
* And there's no chance the space alien would have sex with him either.
* You know, Captain Kirk used to meet attractive, willing female space
aliens all the time.
* If the woman finds out he wrote this paper, there will be
zero-point-zero chance of her being attracted to him.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Feeling Blue - CNN claims that
some viewers of the film "Avatar" are suffering depression and suicidal
thoughts. After spending nearly three hours immersed in the beautiful,
3D world of Pandora, they feel disgusted with the human race and can't
cope with returning to the real world. On the fan site "Avatar Forums,"
a post called "Ways to cope with the depression of the dream of Pandora
being intangible" drew over 1,000 responses from depressed fans,
including one who contemplated suicide because he might be "rebirthed"
into a utopian environment just like Pandora.
* Or he could wake up in Hell, and find it's just like an "Alvin &
The Chipmunks" movie.
* It's a long shot, but I say take it!
* Meanwhile, all the sane people are depressed that they paid $15.
* I know how they feel...After hearing this, I'm a little disgusted
with the human race, too.
* I sympathize...Every time I watch porn, I'm depressed that real women
aren't that easy.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Whoa! - Karen Sala of
Canada has lost her paternity suit against "Matrix" star Keanu Reeves.
She sued him for millions, claiming he was the biological father of her
four adult children. She also claims he promised to marry her and take
her to the Academy Awards. Reeves said he's never even met Sala and
took a DNA test that proved they are not his kids. A judge dismissed
her suit, calling it "patently unbelievable," and ordered her to pay
Reeves' $15,000 legal bill. Sala accused Reeves of using hypnosis the
change the results of the DNA tests.
* Admit it, if he didn't have strange hypnotic powers, would he
actually have an acting career?
* This is completely insane...Keanu
Reeves at the ACADEMY
AWARDS?!!
* While making "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure," he learned how
to travel back in time and father kids who are older than he is.
* She needs to take the blue pill, and
the red pill...and then, a couple of the yellow ones...
***************************************************************
Monday,
January
11,
2010
Hey, Buddy, Where’s The Fire? –
An unnamed man showed up at Southampton, England, General Hospital with
his penis stuck in a steel pipe. He didn’t say how or why it happened,
but the restricted blood flow made him so aroused, the doctors couldn’t
budge the pipe. They had to call a special fire equipment unit that
rushed over a 4-1/2-inch pipe grinder. A fire department spokesman said
the man was anesthetized for a “very delicate” operation that required
a very steady hand. It took 30 minutes to cut the pipe off. He said,
“I’m sure the man won’t be getting into that situation again.”
* Not until Saturday night, anyway…
* He’s now dating a rubber hose.
* If he does, they’ll skip the pipe and just cut off the penis.
* He seems a little unclear on the meaning of the phrase, “laying
pipe.”
***************************************************************
Thursday, December 24, 2009
He Cut Himself Shaving
- Police in Winona, Minnesota, answered a doomestic disturbance call at
a couple's home. The man pulled down his underwear and showed them a
large tear on his genitals. He was taken to get stitches. He said the
woman had grabbed him by the genitals and yanked hard enough for him to
need stitches. She claimed he cut himself. She was arrested on possible
charges of assault and interfering with a 911 call.
* You don't want to know how she interfered with the cops.
* When the cops told him she claimed he did it to himself, the guy
replied, "You're yankin' me."
* The neighbors reported hearing a woman screaming, but that was him.
* The cops didn't know if that was a real 911 call, or just one of
those "Crank Yankers" calls.
* Her penalties could include six months for assault and 15 yards for
illegal ball handling.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Boss, De-Plane! De-Plane! -
Monday,
the
Obama
administration
ordered
the
airline
industry
to
let
passengers
off
planes
if
they
are
delayed
on
the
runway
for
more
than
three
hours.
Consumer
advocates
hailed
it
as
a
"Christmas
miracle,"
except
it
doesn't
go
into
effect
for
120
days.
* So enjoy your four months on the runway.
* Of course, the new "sitting on the runway" tax takes effect
immediately.
* Also, you are now entitled to a ticket refund if you have to sit next
to a crying baby, a fat person or Joe Biden.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Also Tones Upper Arms -
Irish inventors Chris and Janice O'Connor have a revolutionary new
invention: "The Earth Angel," the first green technology sex toy. It's
an 8-inch vibrator made of recyclable materials. Also, it uses no
batteries. Janice told AFP, "You just flip out the handle, grab a hold
of it there, and you just wind it. So for four minutes of doing that,
you should generate enough power to give you 30 minutes of full-on,
right-to-the top vibrations."
* But boy, will you be frustrated if it takes you 31 minutes to get
there.
* Some women might have an orgasm just from the four minutes of
vigorous winding.
* For a lot of men, four minutes of vigorous cranking IS their sex life.
* If you want a green sex toy, that's what cucumbers are for.
***************************************************************
Monday, December 21, 2009
How About "The Debties?"
- We still haven't decided what to call the current decade, but at
least we have a name for the next one: "The Twenty-Tens." An insurance
website polled more than 5,000 Britons and that was the favorite
choice. It beat out such alternatives as the Teenies, the Tenners and
the Tenties.
* Aren't those all British boy bands?
* The Tenties sounds like an embarrassing condition that would happen
to your pants.
* Since they're the teens, how about "The Awkward Years"?
***************************************************************
Friday, December 18, 2009
Must Not Have Been Certified
Authentic Psychics - The Society for Research of Paranormal
Science, a German fortunetellers society, checked out 140 psychic
predictions made by its members and admitted that every one turned out
to be wrong. For instance, Obama was not assassinated, and Berlin
wasn't attacked by terrorists. There was one prediction that came true:
Michael Jackson did die. But they didn't count that one because
psychics had been making that prediction for so long, they considered
it a "permanent prediction."
* Anybody who predicted he'd live to 2009 would actually be psychic.
* Just keep predicting that anybody will
die
and
eventually,
you'll
be
right.
* They don't actually tell fortunes, they just make fortunes.
* Another safe prediction: people will keep paying them to make wrong
predictions.
***************************************************************
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Give Him The Boot - The
Daily
Mail
reports
that
a
British
shoe
storage
company
surveyed
over
1,000
women
and
found
that
they
are
more
likely
to
harbor
happy
memories
of
their
favorite
shoes
than
of
boyfriends
they've
dumped.
92
percent
can
remember
the
first
shoes
they
bought
with
their
own money,
while only 63 percent remember the name of the boy who gave them their
first kiss. And 96 percent regret throwing out a pair of shoes, but
only 15 percent regret tossing out a former boyfriend.
* It freed up a lot of space in the shoe closet.
* The shoes had softer tongues.
* The shoes were high heels, while the boyfriends were just heels who
got high.
* The women did all remember the name of their first love: "Manolo
Blahnik."
* This is why the ultimate female fantasy is Prince Charming: he
brought Cinderella's shoe back to her.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Modern Art Looks Better Through Beer
Goggles - The Daily Mail reports that Hugh Grant confessed that
he was drunk when he ordered an assistant to bid on an Andy Warhol
painting of Elizabeth Taylor at Sotheby's. He ended up paying about $3
million for it. The story had a happy ending when he later resold the
painting for $20 million.
* To some celebrity who was six times drunker.
* The moral: to see the value of modern art, it really helps to be
drunk.
* Hugh now does his own bidding, so that by the time he stammers out a
bid, the auction is over.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Can You See The Little Man In
The Canoe? - Two British women, Mel King and Annie Januszewski
of Bristol, will try to break the record for two women rowing 3,000
miles across the Atlantic, from the Canary Islands to Antigua. They
plan to do it in 70 days, rowing 15 hours a day, naked. They had
originally planned to row in bras and panties, but decided that
stripping down completely would reduce the friction and chaffing of
clothing. Januszewski said, "Hopefully, being nude will allow us to
shave days off our time."
* Don't get too excited, guys; that's the only thing they ever shave.
* This will be covered 'round the clock for 70 days by ESPN.
* Guys will watch this on TV and go, "Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!"...
* Now that Tiger Woods has given up golf, two-woman naked rowing is his
new favorite sport.
***************************************************************
Monday, December 14, 2009
Pink In The Red - Pop
singer Pink has one of the most successful tours of 2009. But she says
the recording industry is in such bad shape that if she weren't touring
constantly, she'd have to go back to work at McDonald's, where she used
to work as a drive-thru girl.
* She'd take a burger order then yell at the fry cook that the customer
was coming up, so he'd better get the patty started.
* You'd think that if Americans like sugary junk with no meat in it,
they'd love what the record companies are putting out.
* So if people weren't going to her concerts, she'd be working at
McDonald's...How does that make her different from any of today's music
stars?
***************************************************************
Friday, December 11, 2009
Senators Ranked Higher Because
They Cheated - In a new Gallup poll, Americans were asked to
rank 21 professions on their honesty and ethical standards. Nurses
topped the list, followed by pharmacists, doctors and police officers.
At the bottom of the list, with a 55 percent "low" or "very low"
rating, were members of Congress. They came in four points lower than
car salesmen. Senators did a little better, coming in third lowest and
ranking two points higher than car salesmen.
* Still, I wouldn't buy a used car from one of them.
* A car salesman might have some decent merchandise, but Congressmen
have nothing to unload but a lot of clunkers.
* Congressmen and car salesmen are basically the same: they both want
to stick you with things that'll cost you a lot of money without taking
time to read the fine print.
* And yet, Congress thinks it needs to regulate doctors.
***************************************************************
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Leapin' Lizards! -
Sunday at the airport in Christchurch, New Zealand, a German tourist
was caught trying to sneak lizards out of the country, apparently for
the exotic pet trade. Hidden inside his underwear, they found 23 geckos
and 20 skinks.
* And one trouser snake, apparently a miniature.
* It was the skinkiest underwear they'd ever seen.
* He's not in the exotic pet trade, he's just kinky for skinks.
* He's either a smuggler or he stayed at a really dirty hotel.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
And His Glasses Were Frosted
Over - China News Network reports that police in Henan
province, were startled when they saw a truck driver going down the
highway with a cardboard windshield and his head sticking out the
window so he could see to steer. He told them he'd broken his
windshield in an accident several days earlier but had no time in his
tight schedule to fix it. So he replaced it with cardboard. He would
drive with his head out the window until his neck became too stiff and
numb, then look through holes in the cardboard for awhile. He'd driven
over 400 miles that way. Police said his face was frozen and purple.
They ordered him to fix the problem before going back on the road.
* So he replaced it with a regular Chinese windshield, made of lead.
* He's now driving in Reverse and looking out the back window.
* He attracted the cops' attention because they'd never seen a Chinese
trucker driving that carefully before.
* With his head hanging out the window, he might've been mistaken for a
dog, which in China is not a good thing.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Women! They're So Emotional! -
The British do-it-yourself store Homebase had to apologize after
outraged customers discovered one of its most popular tools came with
outdated instructions. The electric multi-tester's manual says that it
makes spotting a bad bulb or fuse so easy, "even a woman or child"
could do it. One angry woman who read the manual fumed, "It might as
well say 'women, children and dogs.'"
* ...Polish dogs!
* So they heeded her complaint and rewrote it to say that.
* Don't be ridiculous! A dog wouldn't
need
a
tool to spot the
burned-out fuse!
* Men just laughed at the women for bothering to read the manual.
* Women know that it's actually men who have one simple tool and
can't control it.
***************************************************************
Monday, December 7, 2009 - Pearl
Harbor Day
What Not To Wear - Schools in
Britain report that yuppie parents are competing with each other in a
new trend: "manger chic." They're seeing whose kid can grab the most
attention with their expensive Nativity Play costumes, from sheep
wrapped in Arctic fur throws to angels in designer lace bridal gowns to
shepherds in velour robes and pashmina head scarves. One department
store spokesman said they disapprove and that Nativity play costumes
should be simple. He said some parents are spending enough money to
check the Baby Jesus out of the manger and into a five-star hotel.
* There's no room in the five-star hotel, but parents are competing to
see who can tip the concierge the most and get one.
* The angel's wings are by Victoria's Secret.
* The Three Wise Men look like Elton John, Liberace and Prince.
* The Wise Man who brought gold wears actual bling.
* This is shocking! British schools still have Nativity plays?!
***************************************************************
Friday,
December
4,
2009
Don't Worry, Women, We Never
Actually Expect Oral - University of Montreal Prof. Simon Louis
Lajeunesse wanted to see if the sexual attitudes of men in their 20s
who regularly view porn were different from those who never watched
porn. But the study hit a snag when they couldn't find even one man in
his 20s who had never watched porn. Instead, they found that single men
watch porn an average of three times a week for 40 minutes, while those
in relationships watch it 1.7 times a week for 20 minutes. Men watch
sex acts they already find acceptable and reject kinkier things as
disgusting. Lajeunesse said porn had no detrimental effect on men or on
their attitudes toward women, and all the subjects' sexual practices
were "quite conventional."
* No orgies, just three-ways.
* Men learn early on to keep a firm grip on themselves while watching
porn.
* For instance, they all watch Internet porn constantly, which makes
them perfectly normal.
* After watching all that porn, their #1 fantasy was just to be a pizza
deliveryman.
* Even priests watch porn, although to them, porn means videos of the
Vienna Boys' Choir.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
December
3,
2009
Time To Shave Your Head Again,
Brit - Yahoo released its annual list of the most-searched-for
terms of the year. In 2009, the number one search term was "Michael
Jackson." He was followed in order by "Twilight: The Movie," WWE
wrestling, Megan Fox, Britney Spears (who slipped to #5 after several
years at #1), the Japanese teenage ninja comic "Naruto," "American
Idol," Kim Kardashian, NASCAR and the video game, "RuneScape."
* So apparently, we HAVE managed
to
get
the
Internet
into
every
junior
high
school
in
America.
* And to think, the Internet was created for rocket scientists.
* I assumed the #1 thing Yahoo users were searching for was Google.
* Wait a minute...You mean some people actually had to SEARCH to find news about Michael
Jackson?!
* If Britney wants to get back on top, she needs to grab a long, skinny
object and bash a car with it again, like Tiger Woods' wife.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
What The Muck?! -
Britain's Daily Star reports that 40-year-old David Truscott of
Camborne, England, has been jailed again for 20 weeks due to his weird
fetish: he gets sexual thrills from manure. He was jailed in October
for breaking into a farm and getting caught pleasuring himself in a
muck spreader. Upon his release, he broke into the same farm and was
again caught covered in manure.
* The way he smells, he couldn't get near a woman if he wanted to.
* This is so, so sad...for his cellmate.
* His favorite romantic song: "Love Stinks."
* What can he say? He likes it dirty.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
One Way To Keep Warm -
A lot of people stood shivering in line for Black Friday deals, but
sales were up only 0.5 percent from last year. On average, each shopper
spent $343 less than last year. But one Michigan couple found a way to
make Black Friday endurable: they got married in line Friday at Best
Buy.
* They wanted some cheap sex.
* They also had their honeymoon there, which is as close to sex as most
people who line up to buy computers at 4 a.m. will ever get.
* The line was so long, they also had their first child there.
* They were divorced before they reached the checkout stand.
* How is this country ever going to get out of debt if consumers don't
start charging stuff again?!
***************************************************************
Monday, November 30, 2009
Another Turkey Of A Grant -
Virginia
Tech
and
the
University
of
Minnesota
have
gotten
a
$908,000
federal
grant
to
finish
mapping
the
turkey
genome,
which
is
9/10ths
complete.
Researchers
say
that
once
the
entire
gene
structure
of
the
turkey
is
mapped,
breeders
may
be
able
to
boost
their
immunity
to bird
flu and other diseases, and to identify genes that will produce plumper
legs and larger breasts.
* They could do that by mapping the genome of Kim Kardashian.
* Plumper legs...or MORE legs...
* As long as we're giving them plumper breasts, could we also get rid
of that unsightly neck wattle?
* Screw turkeys, just find the human gene for plumper breasts.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
November
25,
2009
Thanks Be To God! -
Paul Hurley, owner of O'Casey's Tavern in Midtown Manhattan, is
offering what he calls the first 100-proof turkey for Thanksgiving.
It's so full of booze, you have to be 21 to order it, and anyone who
eats it will get a free taxi ride home. The turkey is infused with
100-proof peach, raspberry, cherry and apple-flavored Georgi vodka for
three days before it's cooked. Even the gravy is laced with vodka.
* One question: what wine do you serve with it?
* It's the perfect recipe for when your mother-in-law is coming to
Thanksgiving.
* If you make it at home, DO NOT
drop the turkey in a deep fryer!
* If they wanted to be humane, they'd just let the turkey drink vodka
for three days before Thanksgiving.
* This is the first Thanksgiving dinner where the diners get fried,
mashed and boiled.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
If It Doesn't Work On
Klingons, Screw It - Scientists at Canada's Simon Fraser
University have developed the first "Star Trek"-style phaser. It's a
gun that paralyzes tiny worms with a beam of UV light. They remain
stunned until they're exposed to a different form of light. But bad
news for Trekkies: it only works on tiny worms.
* And on red-shirted ensigns who have never appeared on the show
before.
* Until now, most "Star Trek" fans could only fantasize about being
able to intimidate tiny worms.
* Know who would love to have this? Birds!
***************************************************************
Monday, November 23, 2009
Best Little Whorehouse In Leipzig -
Friday
in
Leipzig,
Germany,
members
of
the
city's
orchestra
performed
a
concert
at
the
Eros
Center
brothel.
It
was
a
preview
of
next
month's
"Sex
Macht
Musik"
("Sex
Makes
Music")
festival
of
"erotic
music
culture."
They
performed
such
works
as
Dirk
D'ase's
"Seven
Erotic
Songs"
for mezzo-soprano and piano, and Askell Masson's "Rhythm Strip."
A spokesman said the brothel recital was a novel attempt to bring
classical music "out of the concert hall and to where people are."
* Well, men, anyway...
* They saved "Bolero" for the climax.
* Most of the men were done by the time they finished "The Minute
Waltz."
* Saturday, they went to a gay brothel to play "The Magic Flute."
***************************************************************
Friday, November 20, 2009
Or They Could Vote To Build A
Freakin' POWER PLANT!! - Wednesday, the California Energy
Commission voted to require that all new TVs sold in the state use
substantially less energy, beginning in 2011. They say bigger-screen
TVs could cause energy demand to rise by up to 8 percent, and the
state's power plants can't meet the demand. Manufacturers replied that
to make TV's use that much less energy, they'll have to lower picture
quality and brightness and reduce features. Besides, Californians can
just stop buying TVs from local retailers and buy them in neighboring
states or online.
* They thought of that: they also banned computers to save energy.
* To save energy, they'll force Californians to drive their SUVs to
Nevada to buy big screen TVs.
* But how will Hollywood environmentalists be able to outfit the giant
home theaters in their mansions?
* You can always count on Californians to find a way to make television
even dimmer.
* The new law is heavily supported by the cast of "The View," who
really want TVs to be small, dim and fuzzy again.
***************************************************************
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Would 30 Pieces Of Silver Cover The
Fine? - A man from Moss, Sweden, was arrested four times over a
four-month span in 2008 for driving without a license. He'd also
covered his expired license plates with fake plates made of cardboard.
The man argued in court that he did not need a driver's license because
he was Jesus, the son of God, and he ruled the world, so he didn't have
to abide by earthly driving regulations. The court had no faith in that
and fined him $360 and gave him 30 days in jail.
* But he was out in three...
* And then, they washed their hands of it.
* He's lucky; a Roman judge would have crucified him.
* If he were really Jesus, he could've healed those expired plates.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Twin Peaks - Britain's
John Lewis department store reports that pointy, conical bras like
those popular in the 1950s are suddenly popular again. Sales of cone
bras are up 33 percent since last year. The store's head lingerie
buyer, Helen Spencer, told the Daily Telegraph that conical bras have
"48 technological components" to help create that Jane Russell
silhouette, when paired with a cashmere jumper, pencil skirt and heels.
She said, "Women are no longer hiding their breasts under minimizer
bras but embracing their assets and using them to their advantage."
* And if a man gets in your way, just hug him from behind and stab him
in the back.
* What better way to stop traffic than with a couple of giant cones?
* Coming soon: cone-shaped breast implants.
* This is what drives the mad men in "Mad Men" mad.
* 1950s girdles also have 48 technological components.
* Normally, designing a bra isn't rocket science, but in this case, it
sort of is.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
The Upside: No Lead - Customs
officers in Spain arrested 12 smugglers who were landing in a boat from
China, carrying more than $1.5 million worth of counterfeit cigarettes.
They looked like brand name smokes, but instead of tobacco, they were
filled with rabbit droppings. The undercover operation was launched
after some British tourists in the Canary Islands lit up cigarettes and
discovered they smelled, as one customs official put it, "just as you'd
imagine burning poo to smell."
* Actually, I always imagined that burning poo would smell a lot like
cigarettes.
* Surprisingly, it's not as unhealthy as regular cigarettes.
* Still, you have to admire Chinese manufacturers for finding a way to
use every part of the rabbit.
* They knew something was odd because all the rabbit poo usually goes
into Chinese-made vitamins.
* They should just claim it's an aphrodisiac in Asia...Hell, it
probably is.
***************************************************************
Monday, November 16, 2009
Model Behavior -
Supermodel Cindy Crawford and her husband were reportedly the victims
of an incompetent extortion attempt. TMZ.com claims that a male model
who was dating their ex-nanny demanded money from Crawford for a photo
he took from the ex-nanny, showing Crawford's 7-year-old daughter
gagged and bound to a chair. He threatened to release it and accuse her
of child abuse. Cindy's rep said the nanny took the photo as a prank
while playing cops and robbers with the kids, and Crawford didn't even
know about it. They called the FBI, and the would-be extortionist has
been deported back to Germany.
* Where he will be mercilessly flogged by Heidi Klum...And he'll LIKE it!
* It was a clever plan, but luckily, Cindy had a mole.
* I wonder if Rooms To Go has that same beautiful Cindy Crawford
Collection chair that I could tie my own kids to?
* Usually, people offer to pay Cindy money for "gagged and bound to a
chair" photos.
***************************************************************
Friday, November 13, 2009
Protect Your Hoses! - Sunday
in Biloela, Australia, police were called
to the Smart Wash car wash after four men allegedly stripped naked and
started cleaning themselves with the soapy spray while their female
companions took pictures. The men were charged with indecent exposure
and creating a public nuisance. Police and the car wash owner warned
would-be copycats that turning a high-pressure car wash hose on a naked
human body could be dangerous, especially if it got in the eyes.
* Soap in your eyes would be preferable to seeing these guys naked.
* There are certain parts of the body where you do NOT want to be spraying hot wax.
* On the other hand, if any women want to get naked in the car wash, go
right ahead.
* It started with the guys suggesting a naked car wash photo session to
the women, and it somehow went horribly wrong.
***************************************************************
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Belle Curve - Here's
a
new
reason
for
curvy
women
not
to
envy
skinny
women:
curvy
women
are
smarter.
Researchers
at
the
Universities
of
Pittsburgh
and
California
studied
16,000
women
and
girls
and
found
that
voluptuous
ones
did
better
than
waifs
on
cognitive
tests,
and
so
did
their
children. In
fact, the bigger the difference between a woman's waist and her hips,
the better she scored. Researchers theorize that it might have to do
with fat on the hips containing Omega-3, which could improve the
woman's mental abilities and those of her child during pregnancy.
* Wow! Hillary Clinton really must be
the
smartest
woman
in
the
world!
* So Kim Kardashian is smarter than Paris Hilton? Is there a scale tiny
enough to measure that difference?
* Curvy women just don't realize how smart they are because all they
can think about is how fat their thighs look.
* If women with fat hips are so smart, why do they keep asking men if
their butts look big? Don't they KNOW
the answer to that question?!
* Fat women only scored so much higher than thin women because fashion
models threw off the curve.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, November 11, 2009 - Veterans Day!
Danish Without Nuts -
Nicole Kidman and Gwyneth Paltrow have signed to play husband and wife
in a movie about the world's first sex change patient. "The Danish
Girl" is the true story of Einar Wegenar, a Danish artist who once put
on women's clothes and makeup to fill in for his illustrator wife's
missing model, and decided he was meant to be a woman. He had a series
of operations in the 1920s, the two moved to Paris, and eventually had
their marriage annulled because they were now two women. Kidman will
play the man-turned-woman, and Paltrow her wife.
* Although it's going to take a ton of CGI special effects to make
Gwyneth Paltrow look like a woman.
* I had no idea medicine was so advanced in the 1920s...Apparently,
they even had Botox.
* Nicole knows what it feels like to be in a marriage where she's both
the woman and the man.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Paging Gary Cherone -
Just one year away from Aerosmith's 40th anniversary, Steven Tyler may
quit to go solo. Tyler told Classic Rock magazine that he wants to be
"working on the brand of myself - Brand Tyler." Guitarist Brad Whitford
said the band plans to meet to discuss whether to go on hiatus or hire
a new singer. But he said Tyler leaves big shoes to fill, and no one
could imitate him.
* Except the singers for about 5,000 Aerosmith cover bands.
* Aerosmith's groupies say he leaves big condoms to fill.
* The band's been holding Steven back for 39 years...Now, he can
finally do what he really loves: show tunes!
* There's already a musical brand for people of Steven Tyler's age:
"Brand Tony Bennett."
***************************************************************
Monday, November 9, 2009
27 Is Their Average I.Q. -
The Parents Television Council is urging CW affiliates to yank the
November 9 episode of “Gossip Girl,” in which three main characters
will be involved in a threesome. The PTC says the show is targeted at
impressionable teenagers and is encouraging them to engage in porn-like
sexual behavior. The CW replied that the target audience for "Gossip
Girl" is women 18-to-34 with a median viewer age of 27.
* That's also the average age of the actors playing the teenagers.
* That's a surprise. I thought it was lonely, middle-aged gay
men.
* Except this episode, for which the target audience is any man older
than puberty.
* I'm sure this episode will spark a lot of yanking, but not the kind
the PTC wants.
***************************************************************
Friday, November 6, 2009
J-Lo Goes Commando -
The National Enquirer claims that Jennifer Lopez is desperately
battling her ex-husband, Cuban-born waiter Ojani Noa, to keep him from
releasing an embarrassing, kinky videotape that could harm her sexy but
wholesome image. The tabloid writer claims he's seen it, and highlights
include J-lo in a bra and panties, admiring her famous butt in a
mirror; J-Lo in skimpy lingerie, being chased around the bedroom and
playfully spanked by Noa; J-Lo getting onto a motorcycle in a short
skirt with no panties; and J-Lo having a nasty fight with her mother.
The tape is reportedly 11 hours long.
* I will personally pay him not to release it.
* Two minutes of underwear shots and 10 hours, 58 minutes of J-Lo
fighting with her mother.
* 10-and-a-half hours of that is J-Lo admiring her own butt.
* It's still better than "Gigli."
***************************************************************
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Also In Several Clinical
Trials - Police in North Naples, Florida, stopped 24-year-old
Kara Leanne Griffin after they saw her allegedly rear-end a trailer,
nearly hit a pedestrian and run over some mailboxes. A drunk test
showed she had a blood alcohol level of .088. She told the deputies
that she'd drunk vodka, smoked crack and taken Oxycodone, Clonopin,
Baklaphine, Lirica, Tegradol, Paxcil, Dilantin and Lamikta. Police took
her to a hospital because she seemed groggy.
* And because she needed prescription refills.
* If she didn't seem dead, I'd take her to the Ripley's
Believe-It-Or-Not Museum.
* They thought the hospital might have a pill for that.
* She was so wasted, when they put her in front of the mug shot camera,
she flashed her boobs.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Okay, Second Worst -
Jessica Simpson defended her sister Ashlee, after she was fired from
the new version of "Melrose Place." Jessica Tweeted to fans Monday,
"Who writes this crap? I have had bad scripts to work with, but this?
Thank God my sister is amazing and got you some press... Ashlee was too
good for that show and was the ONLY reason I watched." Actually, Us
Weekly quotes a show insider as saying that Ashlee was hired because
her name would get buzz, but she turned out to be "embarrassingly bad."
They didn't realize she was the world's worst actress, and they didn't
want to tell her, so they let her go.
* Also, she wanted to lip-synch all her dialogue.
* They were afraid it would really hurt her feelings, and she'd start
to cry, and it would be unconvincing.
* I'll bet they wouldn't say Ashlee was the world's worst actress if
Jessica was around!
* They're both right: she's the world's worst actress, and she's still
too good for that show.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Smells Like A Wet Slumdog -
Vaibhav
Bedi
of
New
Delhi,
India,
is
suing
Unilever
for
false
advertising.
He
says
he
used
their
Axe
body
washes,
shampoos,
antiperspirants
and
hair
gels
for
seven
years,
but
not
once
did
any
hot
women
throw
themselves
at
him,
the
way
Axe
commercials
show.
He's
seeking about $40,000 (US) damages for "depression and psychological
damage." One of India's top attorneys recommended that Unilever settle
the case rather than try to argue in court that dumb, unattractive men
don't attract hot women. He said, "Some of the best-looking women have
been known to marry and date absolutely ghoulish guys."
* Not if they smell like they were dipped in a vat of Axe body spray.
* But those are all supermodels married to rock stars.
* As Exhibit A, he will call Kevin Federline.
* If he wins, I'm suing the makers of beer.
***************************************************************
Monday, November 2, 2009
Sliding Down The Chimney
- David Simmons of Murfreesboro, Tennessee, had a bad breakup with his
girlfriend. So he made special Christmas cards to send to her
relatives. They featured pictures he had secretly taken of her
performing sex acts on him. He pleaded guilty to unlawful pornography
and criminal impersonation in exchange for a suspended sentence and two
years' probation.
* He's also being sued by Paris Hilton for stealing her idea for a
Christmas TV special.
* His ex-girlfriend wants to roast his chestnuts on an open fire.
* The card's theme was "A Round Non-Virgin."
* She was especially upset at the caption: "HO! HO! HO!"
* Her relatives just thought, "Oh no, not another one of those
'what-I-did-last-year' cards!"
***************************************************************
Friday, October 30, 2009
The Twinkie Defense II - Edward
Atkes
of
Florida
is
on
trial
in
Trenton,
New
Jersey,
for
allegedly
shooting
his
son-in-law,
a
pharmaceutical
executive,
in
2006.
But
his
lawyer
is
trying
a
unique
alibi:
he's
too
fat
to
be
a
killer.
The
attorney
says
Atkes
is
62,
5-foot-8
and
weighs
285 pounds, and he's in
such lousy shape, there's no way he could have quickly climbed a flight
of stairs, fired a gun, run down the stairs and made a fast getaway.
* Maybe if it had been a drive-by shooting on a motorized scooter...
* The only thing he ever killed off is a cheesecake.
* He'd say anything to avoid getting the chair, unless it's a recliner.
He was tempted to plead guilty when they told him he might fry.
* If the jury doesn't buy this, he'll argue that it should be legal to
shoot pharmaceutical executives.
***************************************************************
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Call Me, You Damn Dirty Ape! -
A
geneticist
at
Germany's
Max
Planck
Institute
for
Evolutionary
Anthropology
believes
that
modern
man
and
Neanderthals
had
sex
across
the
species
barrier.
So
far,
DNA
studies
have
found
no
evidence
that
humans
and
Neanderthals
had
sex,
but
Prof.
Svante
Paabo
says
he's
sure
they
did.
He's trying to prove it by studying Neanderthal DNA. He wants
to know if humans and Neanderthals had children, and if so, what they
might have contributed to us.
* I'm guessing grunge rock, back hair and Kevin Federline.
* If men had sex with Neanderthal women, then beer must've been
invented much earlier than we thought.
* A lot of women would claim they're married to Neanderthals even
today.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Giant Underpants!! -
Albert Freed of Escambia County, Florida, sued Hanes underwear for
damaging his penis. He won a trip to Hawaii, so his wife bought him new
Hanes briefs. He claimed defective workmanship caused his Y-fronts to
gap and let his penis fall out, and the edges rubbed like "sandpaper
belts" until he could barely walk. Freed claimed it took him several
days to notice because he can't see his genitals over his big belly,
looking at himself naked in a mirror is "something he would not do,"
and asking his wife to look at it would have ruined her "dream trip."
After days of lawyers tugging on Hanes briefs, the judge ruled that a
gap only appears if you wear too small a size. He awarded no damages,
but said he didn't have the power to order Freed to remove videos
relating to his case from the Internet.
* He should have to pay damages to anybody who sees those.
* You know your underwear is too small when your Y-fronts turn into
O-fronts.
* The judge did believe his testimony that having to see that would
have ruined his wife's dream trip.
* How fat do you have to be not to notice that your junk is being filed
off?
***************************************************************
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The Urinals Are Standing Room
Only - Charmin toilet tissue will hold auditions Nov. 5 at the
Manhattan Hilton for five "Charmin Ambassadors" to greet and entertain
people in Times Square bathrooms during the holiday season and blog
about the experience. They say they are seeking "super-fun,
enthusiastic people" who "really, really enjoy going to the bathroom."
It pays $10,000 for just five weeks' work, from Thanksgiving through
New Year's Eve.
* But there are other things you could do in those Times Square toilets
that would earn you even more.
* It's a great opportunity...This is how George Michael got started.
* Aren't there enough blogs where people write about their experiences
in Times Square men's rooms?
* They're seeking people who are strong, yet soft.
***************************************************************
Monday,
October
26,
2009
A Good Hoovering - The
Wall Street Journal reports that a study of 6,877 married couples found
that the more housework the partners do, the more often they're likely
to have sex. It bolstered an earlier UC-Riverside study in which a man
said his wife likes flowers or a candlelit dinner, but "if he wants to
be sure of a romantic evening, he goes for the vacuum cleaner."
* My god, what kind of attachments does that vacuum cleaner HAVE?!
* If his wife isn't home and he wants a romantic evening, he also goes
for the vacuum cleaner.
* Maybe couples who clean often have more sex because their sheets
aren't smelly and crusty.
***************************************************************
Friday, October 23, 2009
Michelle Obama hosted a Healthy Kids Fair on the White House
lawn Wednesday, where she showed off what good shape she's in by
keeping a hula-hoop spinning around her hips for 142 revolutions...Rush Limbaugh said, "See? I told she was a
revolutionary"...She got a cramp, but luckily, the White House has
dozens of spin doctors on staff...That is NOT something you'd want to
see Hillary Clinton do...Most of the kids there couldn't even fit
inside a hula-hoop.
***************************************************************
Thursday, October 22, 2009
That Takes Some Big Balls -
19-year-old
Collin
Keating
Primm
of
Suhuarita,
Arizona,
was
arrested
for
speeding
and
sentenced
to
perform
50
hours
of
community
service
for
charity.
So
he
turned
in
a
form
claiming
he'd
finished
it
by
working
at
a
local
bowling
alley.
It
was
signed
by
the
alley's GM, who's barred
from the bowling alley during operating hours because he's facing child
molestation charges. The judge ordered Primm to a contempt hearing,
ruling that an accused pedophile's bowling alley is not a charity.
* Of course it is! Kids under 10 get in free!
* But people come to him who have no shoes, and yea, he gives them
shoes!
* This particular bowling alley is more like just an alley.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I'm Drivin' It - Steven
Von
Worley,
a
California-based
artist
and
technologist
who
blogs
at
weathersealed.com,
was
driving
down
a
highway
when
he
wondered
how
far
anyone
in
the
US
would
ever
have
to
drive
to
reach
a
McDonald's.
So
he
created
a
map
and
found
that
no
matter
where you are in the 48
contiguous states, a McDonald's is always less than one tank of gas
away. He says the "McFarthest spot" is between Meadow and Glad Valley,
South Dakota. If you were there, you'd be 145 highway miles, or 107 as
the crow flies, from the nearest McDonald's.
* Or from the nearest ANYTHING.
* Wow! What a great place to build a McDonald's!
* It's so isolated, there's nothing there but four Starbucks.
* 145 miles is also the average distance between anyplace in America
and the nearest gym.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Ol' Ball And Chain -
The Al-Watan newspaper in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, reports that a Saudi
woman is suing her husband of 17 years for divorce. He left his cell
phone at home, and she picked it up and discovered that the nickname
he'd entered for her, to alert him that she was calling, was
"Guantanamo." She was so outraged that her husband had nicknamed her
after a prison camp, she's demanding a divorce or at least substantial
damages.
* He says he'll take the divorce.
* Also, she wants him waterboarded.
* Come on, there are far worse prison camps!
* His marriage is nothing like Guantanamo...At Guantanamo, torture has
been banned.
***************************************************************
Monday, October 19, 2009
No Interest - South
Dakota's First Premier Bank is targeting an underserved credit card
market: people who can't get credit cards. They are sending card offers
to people who they say have "less than perfect credit but are actually
still creditworthy." But consumer advocates were stunned that the
advertised interest rates ran as high as 79.9 percent APR. It's legal
because in South Dakota, there is no maximum restriction on credit card
interest rates.
* Also in South Dakota, if your payment is late, they're allowed to
hang you.
* The federal government just applied for one with no limit.
* It's perfect if you want to buy a pack of gum but you need to pay it
out over two years.
* This is for people who are still credit worthy, but don't want to be
much longer.
***************************************************************
Friday, October 16, 2009
Head Games -
24-year-old British singing star Leona Lewis, who was discovered on
Simon Cowell's "X-Factor" show, was signing her autobiography at a
London bookstore yesterday when a man who'd been waiting quietly in a
long line suddenly punched her in the head. She was checked out by
doctors, and he was tackled and arrested.
* His lawyer will argue that anyone who writes an autobiography at 24
deserves a punch in the head.
* This is unconscionable! There are so many other pop singers who
deserve to be punched in the head much more!
* Don't punch Leona Lewis! Simon Cowell is the one to blame for all
this!
***************************************************************
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Gourds Don't Hold A Candle To
Pumpkins - A good jack o'lantern pumpkin might be hard to find
this Halloween. Rainy weather in the spring severely reduced the
crop in some parts of the country. Due to shortages in stores, some
people are having to settle for gourds or other vegetables.
* And it's hard to scare kids with an evil eggplant.
* It takes real skill to carve a face into a blackeyed pea.
* Look for the Halloween special, "It's The Great Watermelon, Charlie
Brown!"
***************************************************************
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
What A Clip Joint! -
This Sunday, Leslie Hindman Auctioneers in Chicago will offer what it
claims is a clump of Elvis Presley's hair. It might have come from when
the Army barber gave him a crewcut. It was compared to another lock of
hair from that cut that sold at auction in 2002 for $115,000, and they
appear to match. The auction house also has some other less rare Elvis
items for sale, including clothes and sweat-stained scarves.
* Those aren't so rare...They're from the older, sweatier Elvis.
* It must be his: they have the identical black hair dye.
* This Elvis hair might not bring as much, due to the drop in petroleum
prices.
* Joe Biden might buy it to upgrade his plugs.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
What About Little Annie Fanny?
- The November issue of Playboy honorrs the 20th anniversary of
"The Simpsons" with a cover shot of a nude Marge Simpson discretely
covered by a bunny head-shaped chair. Inside is a three-page spread of
Marge in poses that are provocative but don't show everything. Playboy
editor director James Jellinek called Marge "a stunning example of the
cartoon form." She's also the first cartoon woman to appear in a
Playboy centerfold.
* Except for Anna Nicole Smith.
* Jessica Rabbit wanted too much money.
* Marge is the first to do Playboy, but I think I've seen Mrs.
Krabappel in Hustler.
* So we don't find out if she's a natural blue-head?
* Marge Simpson actually required less airbrushing than most of the
naked women in Playboy.
***************************************************************
Monday, October 12, 2009 - Columbus Day!
The Plastic Swan -
Friday in Budapest, Hungary, women who've had boob jobs, liposuction
and all sorts of other cosmetic procedures competed for the Miss
Plastic crown, the first beauty pageant to celebrate plastic surgery.
It's open to women age 19 to 38 who want to "celebrate the beautiful
bodies" they managed to create. Unlike a typical beauty pageant, the
judges study the contestants' medical records to see everything they’ve
had done, and prizes are awarded to their plastic surgeons.
* The one who did the finest breast implants wins the Booby Prize.
* Five points extra if the contestant used to be a man.
* But like a typical beauty pageant, every contestant will be a miracle
of plastic surgery.
* Actually, Contestants can be as old as 70, as long as they can pass
for 38.
* I can't believe Donald Trump hasn't already bought this pageant.
***************************************************************
Friday, October 9, 2009
Good Deeds Done Dirt Cheap -
When
14-year-old
Paige
Jones
of
Stourbridge,
England,
was
in
the
hospital
after
a
jaw
operation,
the
children's
charity,
Russells
Hall
Wishing
Well,
offered
to
make
a
wish
come
true
for
her.
She
likes
rock
and
roll,
and
her
mom
won't
let
her
touch
her
plaster garden gnomes, so
she wished to dress up in a schoolboy's uniform like AC/DC's Angus
Young and smash dozens of garden gnomes with a guitar. The charity
granted her wish, and Paige said it was "great to do." Her mom says
"Paige can be a strange girl," but thinks her wish was inspired by her
love of music. But Paige says she doesn't even remember making it and
might have been under the influence of anesthetic.
* So she wants another one.
* Also, it's hard to understand someone whose jaw is wired shut.
* Coincidentally, an anesthetized 14-year-old girl in a school uniform
was also Roman Polanski's wish.
***************************************************************
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Ya Think? - Swiss
authorities rejected Roman Polanski's appeal to be released from prison
on bail while they decide whether to extradite him back to America. A
spokesman said, "In our view, there is still a very high risk that he
will flee."
* Really? What was their first clue?
* They're afraid he'll flee back to his favorite pickup spot in Paris:
Disneyland.
* Maybe they could get the Swiss Miss hot cocoa girl to entice him into
staying.
* Let him stay in prison; I hear he enjoys forced sodomy.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The Jonesboro, Georgia, sheriff's department busted an Asian massage
parlor and arrested three women on prostitution charges, including a
woman named Mi Suk Yang...That's both
her name and her confession...To be fair, with a name like that, the
only other job she could've landed was assistant to David Letterman.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
They Wanted A Male, For
Breeding Purposes - The recession has really hurt the auction
business. Saturday, a famous fossilized skeleton of a 40-foot female
T-Rex named "Samson" was put up for sale at the Venetian Hotel in Las
Vegas. The seller hoped to get $6 million, but the sale was called off
when bidding stopped at only $3.7 million. The seller will try again
later. The auction house said the sale might have been scheduled too
fast, so potential buyers didn't have time to line up financing.
* Also, Michael Jackson wasn't around to bid.
* Wouldn't anyone who'd pay $6 million for a T-rex skeleton just pay
with the proceeds from his video game business?
* Why did we bother to bail out the banks if they won't make loans on
something essential like this?
* The seller assumed that Vegas was the only place where people would
pay that much to see a prehistoric celebrity.
***************************************************************
Monday, October 5, 2009
The Ig Nobel Prize for Physics went to three U.S. universities
for determining why pregnant women don't tip over
..
* Women who aren't pregnant do tip over. That's how they become
pregnant.
...And the Chemistry prize was won by two Mexican scientists who turned
tequila into diamonds.
* Or as fellow Mexicans call them, "idiots."
* They wanted to find out which one could get them laid faster.
***************************************************************
Friday, October 2, 2009
The "Q" Will Someday Stand For
"Queen" - In Sweden, where the government can prevent parents
from cursing kids with goofy names, the Supreme Administrative Court
overturned two lower courts and ruled that a couple may legally name
their son "Q," after the creator of James Bond's gadgets. The parents
say the boy was called "Q" from birth and can already pronounce it,
unlike the rest of his full name, which is Q Anbjörn Jackrapat
Rehnberg.
* The kid is now 14.
* So "Q" is actually the best part.
* "Q's" not so bad...Their first choice was "Pussy Galore."
***************************************************************
Thursday, October 1, 2009
"I Love All You Kids Equally" - A
University
of
Toronto
study
finds
that
parents
lie
to
their
kids
more
often
than
they
realize.
70
percent
of
parents
said
they
teach
their
kids
that
lying
is
wrong.
But
90
percent
of
students
who
were
shown
a
list
of
lies
parents
tell
remembered
hearing at least one of them.
Researchers say some parental lies are harmless, like telling a child
his scribbled drawing is beautiful. But they say many parents tell all
sorts of lies to shape kids' behavior and emotions, and kids told such
lies don't learn the real reason why they should behave a certain way.
* The real reason: "Because I SAID so!"
* If you keep lying to your kids, Santa won't bring you anything for
Christmas.
* You can tell your kids about the Tooth Fairy, but only if you tell
them he's really a guy in San Francisco with an oral fixation.
* If you tell your untalented kid his artwork is beautiful, he'll grow
up to be an NEA grant recipient, and God knows, we have too many of
those.
* Still, it's so heartwarming when your child says his first words: "YOU LIE!!"
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
September
30,
2009
"Dive! Dive!" - The Joint
Chiefs of Staff Chairman, Admiral Mike Mullen, announced his support
for ending the U.S. military's ban on women serving in submarines.
Women are now allowed to serve with men on ships, but they've always
been banned from subs because of the cramped quarters and the practice
of "hot-bunking," where the crew sleeps in shifts and up to three of
them share the same bed. But feminists say if the Navy can separate
where the officers sleep from the enlisted men's bunks, then they
should be able to separate men and women during hot-bunking.
* Good luck! I'm getting horny just hearing the word "hot-bunking!"
* This will make things more efficient: now, up to three crewmembers
will be sharing a bunk at the same time.
* But before women join, feminists are demanding that the subs be
redesigned to look less phallic.
* Women will be sorry they took this job after hearing the 10,000th pun
on the phrase, "Going down."
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
September
29,
2009
I Think I Know Why His Checks Bounced
- Dalton Chiscolm of New York claims that hee got bad service from a
"Spanish woman" when he called Bank of America, and that his checks
were rejected because of incomplete routing numbers. So he's suing the
bank for $1,784 billion, trillion dollars, plus $200,164,000 for
unspecified extra damages. That number is $60 trillion more than the
GDP of the entire world. The judge called Chiscolm's suit
"incomprehensible" and gave him until October 23 to explain it or it
will be dismissed.
* He can't explain that number by October 23; he couldn't even count
that high by then.
* That's $60 trillion more than the world GDP and only $3 trillion less
than the national debt.
* Apparently, the thoughts in his brain have incomplete routing
numbers.
* Bank of America isn't concerned; they'll just ask for another
bailout.
***************************************************************
Monday,
September 28, 2009
According to a poll of
under-10-year-olds in the UK, kids think that Simon Cowell is the most
famous person in the world, with God in second place...Followed by the Beatles, then
Jesus...Asked to comment, God replied, "Appalling!"...Simon isn't
really more famous than God, but he is more judgmental...Those kids are
confused: Simon Cowell isn't more famous than God. He's just richer
than God.
***************************************************************
Friday,
September 25, 2009
And They Don't Even Like Sex! -
Anti-STD
campaigners
say
that
when
you
sleep
with
someone,
you
sleep
with
everyone
they've
ever
slept
with.
But
just
how
many
people
is
that?
A
UK
pharmacy
chain
set
up
an
online
calculator
called
"Sex
Degrees
of
Separation"
for
visitors
to
fill
in
their
personal sex data.
It found that the average British man has had sex with 9 people, and
the average woman with 6.3, for an average of 7.65 partners each. That
means that counting directly and indirectly, the average Briton has
slept with 2.8 million people.
* That's mostly because of Mick Jagger throwing off the curve.
* Except James Bond, who actually has
slept with 2.8 million people.
* Apparently, each Briton has slept with at least one French person.
* And they all have one partner in common: Jude Law.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
September
24,
2009
Bridget Jones' Liquor Cabinet -
Femfresh feminine hygiene products surveyed 3,000 British women between
18 and 50 and found that nearly half are so insecure about their
bodies, they prefer having sex while drunk because it loosens their
inhibitions. In fact, about 40 percent said they had been drunk every
time they've had sex. The survey found that the average British woman
has slept with eight men but was drunk with at least five of them, and
on two occasions, she was so smashed, she couldn't even remember the
man's name the next day.
* Don't feel bad; the men didn't remember the women's names, either,
and they weren't even drunk.
* Are they sure this isn't just Amy Winehouse throwing off the curve?
* If they really want to feel better about their bodies, maybe they
should start drinking Tab instead of pina coladas.
* Must be great for British men's egos to hear that 40 percent of women
would never have sex with
them if they were sober.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
September
23,
2009
There Goes The Neighborhood -
According to a new book, "We Are One," by Christopher Anderson,
Michelle Obama convinced Barack to pick Joe Biden for Veep instead of
Hillary Clinton by asking him, "Do you really want Bill and Hillary
just down the hall from you in the White House?”
* And he replied, "You're right, any idiot would be better than that."
* Even Bill couldn't stand being President with Hillary just down the
hall.
* Then again, do you really want to have Joe Biden playing with your
pencil sharpener and drinking up all your Yoo-Hoo?
* They wouldn't be down the hall for long...Bill would sneak out, and
Hillary would take over Barack's office.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
September
22,
2009
We Watched The Cowboys Turn From Comedy To
Tragedy - The Emmy Awards’ producers hoped to reach a bigger
audience by expanding the categories so more mainstream shows could
compete with the low-rated critics' darlings on cable. But Brian
Cranston won again as Best Actor for the little-seen "Breaking Bad,"
and Tina Fey lost as Best Comic Actress to Toni Collette, who plays a
woman with multiple personalities on Showtime's obscure "United States
of Tara."
* Tara has more personalities than there are people who've seen that
show.
* A comedy starring a woman with multiple personalities?
Didn't Roseanne already do that?
* Voters assumed the stuff they've never seen had to be better than the stuff
they had seen.
* The only show that's watched by fewer people: The Emmy Awards.
***************************************************************
Monday,
September 21, 2009
Gay Guys Can Keep One In The Closet -
A German company that sells expensive, eerily lifelike female sex dolls
is trying a little sexual equality. They are offering a male sex doll
named Nax. The plasticine hunk costs $10,000 and has a large, athletic
build, an unruly thatch of pubic hair, and for some reason, he's
balding on top with a long ponytail, like an early '90s Michael Bolton.
Women who are interested should know that Nax is not perpetually up and
ready for action. But the makers say he's equipped with an
"automatically soaring penis" that's ready whenever you are.
* Oh, every balding guy with a ponytail says that!
* That's only true if you fill him with Viagra before you turn him on.
* If you like, you can move his pubic hair to his scalp...It's held on
with Velcro.
* Why would women pay $10,000 for this when most real balding guys with
ponytails would pay women to have sex with them?
* Nax can't talk about his feelings and he's only good for one thing,
so it's like having a real man.
***************************************************************
Friday,
September, 18, 2009
There is still no official
confirmation of press reports that South African track star Caster
Semenya is actually a hermaphrodite with internal testes...Although it wouldn't be surprising: even
her last name has "Semen" hidden inside it.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
September
17,
2009
Bill Maher Hosted The Smuggie Show -
Tuesday,
New
York's
Fashion
Week
included
one
of
the
most
unlikely
fashion
shows
ever,
by
the
makers
of
Snuggie,
the
blanket
with
sleeves.
Hosted
by
Ross
"The
Intern"
Matthews
of
"The
Tonight
Show,"
the
style
showcase
presented
high
fashion
runway
models
showing
off
the
newest
couch potato looks, including a new line of zebra and leopard prints.
Featured Snuggie accessories included TV remotes. There were even new
Snuggie lines for kids and dogs, one of which turned his back on the
audience and put his paws over his face as if he were mortified.
* "As if?!"
* He went from a fur coat to a Snuggie! Of course, he was mortified!
* A Snuggie on a runaway model? Wouldn't the weight crush her?
* Snuggie wearers don't care about prints! They just want big pockets
for beer bottles and pizza slices and a bedpan!
* Ross likes the zebra Snuggie; it makes him feel like Elton John.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
September
16,
2009
At Least They Hire The Disabled -
Four gang members in Essex, England, robbed a jewelry store of over
$290,000 (US) in loot, but their getaway car crashed after a 30-mile
police chase. Their big mistake: they gave 18-year-old John Smith the
job of getaway car driver. Smith has no arms below his elbows. He lives
with his mom, and can't even dress himself. The gang members had to
take turns shifting the gears for him. Smith was given a 12-month youth
custody sentence, suspended for two years.
* He got a lighter sentence because he was unarmed.
* They had to let him be the driver; it's not like he could have
grabbed any jewelry.
* They thought he'd be a good getaway driver because he also has a lead
foot.
* Why did they make him the driver? Police are stumped.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
September
15,
2009
The creators of the "Body
Worlds" plasticized corpses exhibit are planning a show of dead bodies
in sexual positions...If I want to
see desiccated corpses making love, I'll go to the next "Sex & The
City" movie.
***************************************************************
Monday, September 14, 2009
She'll Be Generes - Paula Abdul was
reportedly stunned to learn there will be no last-minute offers from
"American Idol": the show has signed comic Ellen DeGeneres to a
five-year contract as her replacement. Ellen said Simon is rude and
mean, but her style in judging singers will be "honest but
compassionate."
* As in, "You sound like a cockatoo, but some people like cockatoos."
* Her style will also include many pantsuits.
* Ellen's comic style is to babble on at length and never come to a
point, so she's the perfect replacement for Paula.
* Was Paula really stunned by this news, or was she just her usual
level of stunned?
***************************************************************
Friday,
September 11, 2009 (Please visit AnySoldier.com and make a 9/11
donation)
She'll Stand Up And Dance To Anything -
Fans' hopes for the return of Paula Abdul to "American Idol" crumbled
when the producers announced that comic Ellen DeGeneres has been signed
to a five-year contract as the fourth judge. Ellen admitted she has no
formal music experience, but said she buys a lot of music and loves
"Idol," so she hopes to represent the "people's point of view because
I'm just like you."
* That's true, I'm also a lesbian talk show host.
* They actually found someone who'll be even nicer to untalented losers
than Paula was.
* The producers wanted someone who was less girly than Paula...or Ryan.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
September
10,
2009
Her Lips Say, "Nein, Nein, Nein..." -
An anti-AIDS group in Germany is sparking controversy with an
AIDS-awareness TV ad that shows a couple in a dark room undressing and
having unprotected sex, then they pan up to the man's face and it's
Adolf Hitler. The tag line is that "AIDS is a mass murderer." Other
anti-AIDS groups are condemning it, saying that AIDS patients are
stigmatized enough without having people compare them to Hitler.
* Pro-AIDS groups are also pretty upset about it.
* Nobody wants to see Hitler invading the Nether Lands.
* If I want to watch a megalomaniac with delusions of world domination
having sex, I'll put on a Madonna DVD.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
September 9, 2009
Opening Next Week In Cuba - Michael
Moore debuted his new documentary, "Capitalism: A Love Story," at the
Venice Film Festival Sunday, where it got his usual rapturous applause.
The new film pushes Moore's leftist populism to new levels, as it
argues that "capitalism is an evil" that must be eliminated and
replaced with "something that is good for all the people."
* He knows that's true because he ran it past his chauffeur, who agreed
with him.
* Like a system where we all have to grow our own cotton, pick it, gin
it, weave it into cloth and sew our own greasy baseball caps and giant
khaki pants.
* He's hoping to bank another $100 million off it.
* Only Michael Moore uses capitalism for good, by creating jobs for all
the people at the Little Debbie factory.
* The audience in Venice loved it so much, they stood up and clacked
their jewels together.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
September
8,
2009
Studying For The Barista Exam - Fox
News
compiled
a
list
of
this
fall's
wackiest
college
courses.
They
include:
"Tree
Climbing"
(Cornell,
$700),
a
P.E.
class.
Highlights
include
spending
the
night
in
a
tree
and
flying
to
Costa
Rica
to
climb
trees..."Arguing
With
Judge
Judy"
(Berkeley,
$1080)
teaches
logic
and
argument
by
watching Judge Judy's TV courtroom
show...and "Stupidity" (Occidental College in L.A., $4875). Studies the
impact of stupidity in contemporary life, from the presidency to
"Beavis & Butthead."
* ...to parents who pay for their kids to go to college.
* All of this makes me feel like climbing a tree.
* Know who would call this a load of worthless, overpriced crap? Judge
Judy.
* These courses are all requirements for a B.S. degree.
* Isn't watching "Judge Judy" what people end up doing if they DON'T go to college?
***************************************************************
Friday,
September 4, 2009
Melts In Your Arteries, Not In Your Hand -
The finalists have been announced for the State Fair of Texas'
annual Big Tex Choice Awards for the best new foods. This year's
contenders are Twisted Yam on a Stick (a deep-fried yam rolled in
butter and dusted with sugar and cinnamon), Deep Fried Peaches &
Cream, Texas Fried Pecan Pie, Sweet Jalapeno Corn Dog Shrimp (a shrimp
cooked corn dog style that actually has some nutritional value), Fried
Peanut Butter Cup Macaroons, Country Fried Pork Chips (thin-sliced pork
loin cooked like potato chips), and perhaps the ultimate fair food:
Deep Fried Butter. "100 percent pure butter is whipped 'til light and
fluffy," sweetened with a choice of flavors, surrounded by a "special
dough" and quick-fried.
* Then dipped in melted butter.
* It's for people who thought the deep-friend Snickers bar was just a
little too healthy.
* They figure if Elvis is still alive, this will lure him out of
hiding, then kill him for real.
* Big Tex is a giant cowboy statue who wears size XXXXXXX-L jeans, just
like people who eat at the Fair.
* If the roller coaster makes you throw up, it could be saving your
life.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
September
3,
2009
James T. Hart of Frederick,
Maryland, was arrested Sunday after he allegedly tried to pay for gas
with marijuana instead of cash. Police say they believe he was carrying
marijuana, cocaine and Oxycodone...In
his bloodstream...When gas is over $4 a gallon, he pays with cocaine.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
September
2,
2009
Tragic-Comic - Disney has purchased
Marvel Comics for $4 billion. The deal immediately launched a thousand
questions and anxieties among comic book geeks. For instance, what will
happen to the Marvel superhero attractions at Universal Theme Park?
Will they move to Disney parks? And more worrisome for fans of the
darker, adult Marvel superheroes: how might they have to change to fit
in with Disney's Mickey Mouse corporate culture?
* For one thing, Captain America will now be "Captain Made-In-China."
* Dr. Octopus will fit in just fine.
* When the Incredible Hulk gets mad, he'll blow up, turn green and
start quacking unintelligibly.
* Tinkerbelle will now be played by Spider-Man.
* To pay off the debt, Disney will have sell Iron Man for scrap.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
September
1,
2009
Apocalypse Bow-Wow - Polls show
that as many as 55 percent of Americans believe in the idea that when
the end arrives, true Christians will suddenly be swooped up into
Heaven, leaving the rest below to endure the seven-year reign of the
Anti-Christ. So the atheists are offering to look after the pets of the
pious departed after the Rapture. Believers can go to their website
(www.Eternal-Earthbound-Pets.com), pay $110, and get coverage for their
pets for the next 10 years. They say they have atheists lined up in 20
states to pick up your pets and give them loving homes, and all are
self-confessed sinners and blasphemers who guarantee they will not be
among the chosen.
* The Catch-22: no true Christian would want to leave his parrot with a
blasphemer.
* This is a scam! Everyone knows that all dogs go to Heaven!
* Or if you have a Chihuahua, just keep it in your pocket and it'll be
swooped up into Heaven with you.
* Don't worry about covering your cat...The Anti-Christ likes cats.
***************************************************************
Monday,
August 31, 2009
Soak Me, Amadeus - So little
happens in the town of Raschala, Austria, that they are organizing a
festival around their only claim to fame: in 1787, Mozart was passing
through and had his carriage driver stop so he could pee on a rock by
the side of the road. They put a memorial plaque on the Mozart
Pinkelstein ("Mozart pee-stone"), and so many people have come to see
it, the town is organizing a festival around it with music and drinks.
But a spokesman urged visitors to show respect and not pee on the
monument.
* Considering this will be a beer festival, good luck with that.
* What's so special about it? Mozart peed on EVERY rock in Austria.
* That was the first time Mozart's "Magic Flute" appeared in public.
* They believe this festival will bring a shower of gold to the town.
***************************************************************
Friday,
August 28, 2009
"Do You Carry Scotchguard?" -
The Jacksonville, Illinois, Journal-Courier reports that Monday around
11 p.m., the local Home Depot got a mysterious phone call. A woman
called to ask, "How do you get a large amount of blood out of carpet?"
She was told the store was closed but she could leave her name and
number or call back after 6 a.m. But she seemed unwilling to give her
name, and she never called back. The answer to her question is:
sprinkle salt on the blood, then clean with a 50/50 mixture of hydrogen
peroxide and cold water. But police would still like to have a chat
with her, if she'd call back.
* She can't; she's too busy trying to get blood stains out of the trunk
of her car.
* She called Waffle House...They were open that late, and fortunately,
they knew the answer.
* She must be the same one who wrote to "Hints From Heloise" that lye
is great for cleaning ovens, unclogging drains and dissolving cadavers.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
August
27,
2009
Hitting Doc Bottom - MSNBC has
yanked what might be the most offensive infomercial ever, after airing
it once overnight. It's an over-the-top sales pitch for Doc Bottom's
Aspray ("A-spray"), the deodorant that "goes where other deodorants
can't" and is "safe for all your odor zones." It's an odor and bacteria
killer that the maker claims can be sprayed on any body part. That's
illustrated with such images as a woman spraying it up her skirt and a
cartoon cloud of green stink rising from a plumber's crack. One old guy
laments, "I've got odors in special places...My butt." MSNBC might
disapprove, but it's become a sensation online at YouTube and
www.4Aspray.com.
* It's the
most tasteful ad
that's ever run on the Internet.
* Conservatives call it the
LEAST offensive
thing
that
ever
aired
on
MSNBC.
* It's not aimed at everyone; just those special individuals whose
butts have odors.
* It's fun to see the confused look on your dog's face when he tries to
sniff your crotch.
* If it really eliminates anything that stinks, they should spray it on
their infomercial.
* Our favorite part is when
they spray Aspray on a pair of boxer shorts. Call us radical, but
couldn't they just wash them occasionally?
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
August
26,
2009
Last Year's Winner: Oprah! - If
you're
planning
a
vacation
for
Labor
Day
weekend,
Buffalo,
New
York,
is
hosting
the
National
Buffalo
Wing
Festival.
It
promises
the
largest
variety
of
hot
wings
in
the
world,
ranging
from
mild
to
suicidal.
There's
even
an
event
in
which
visitors
get
to
bob
for wings in a pool
of blue cheese. Last year's festival drew more than 78,000 visitors.
* There were 3,000 survivors.
* And they're all finally over their diarrhea, so time to do it again!
* That was 77,997 men and three wives who'll never again let their
husbands plan their vacation.
* It's like a county fair, if it were run by Homer Simpson.
* Kirstie Alley's strategy is to suck up all the blue cheese with a
straw, making the wings easier to find.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
August
25,
2009
A Tale Told By An Idiot - Next
month, Durham, Scotland, will be the scene of what promises to be a
very entertaining court trial. Raymond Scott is accused of stealing a
first folio of Shakespeare's plays from Durham University Library in
1998. It's valued at about $4.5 million (US). He was caught after he
carried the famous stolen book into the Shakespeare Library in
Washington, DC, claimed he'd found it in Cuba, and asked them to verify
it as genuine. Friday, Scott arrived for his first court appearance in
Durham in a horse-drawn carriage, dressed in a Highland tartan kilt and
accompanied by a bagpipe player.
* He plans to annoy the prosecutor into dropping the charges.
* All just so he could tell the judge, "This is much ado about
nothing!"
* He's hoping to get off Scot-free.
* He'd better not wear a kilt in prison...He'll need something that
covers his Coriolanus.
***************************************************************
Monday,
August 24, 2009
I See Your Swedish Meatballs - A
26-year-old man was trying to get into a club in Helsingborg, Sweden,
but the bouncer told him he couldn't come in dressed in sweat pants. So
he did the logical thing: he attacked a better-dressed man in line,
knocked him to the ground, and pulled his jeans off. He then pulled his
sweat pants off and threw them down by the other man. Before they could
swap pants, police happened by, saw them wrestling bottomless, and
arrested the instigator for theft.
* But not for bottomless, same-sex wrestling in public...That's legal
in Sweden.
* He tried to claim they were both members of the Brotherhood of the
Traveling Pants.
* He still wouldn't have gotten in...Those jeans were SO 2005!
***************************************************************
Friday,
August 21, 2009
The Pongiest Place On Earth -
Thorpe amusement park in Surrey, England, banned visitors from putting
their hands in the air while riding roller coasters, if the temperature
is over 77 degrees F. (25C.) A spokesman said warm weather combined
with nervous anticipation in the line tends to give riders armpit sweat
that causes complaints. So they've put up "Say no to B.O." signs,
warning that people who raise their arms will be escorted off the
rides. A spokesman said it "gets really pongy" in the line, and they're
trying to insure guests have an enjoyable experience by not exposing
them to "any unsavory armpits."
* That policy could drive the Disneyland in Paris out of business.
* You know your B.O. is powerful if it lingers even when you're on a
roller coaster.
* They'd also really appreciate it if you'd change your underwear after
you get off the roller coaster.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
August
20,
2009
Take Me, I'm Hers! - Two women
researchers at the University of Olkahoma at Stillwater proved the old
belief that women find a man more attractive if he's already taken.
Single students were shown personality profiles of potential dates and
asked whether they'd be interested in that person. They didn't know the
profiles were fictitious and created to be their ideal mates. Only 59
percent of the women were interested in a relationship with their
perfect match if he were single. But when shown an identical profile of
a man who was already in a relationship, 90 percent of the women wanted
him. Male subjects were interested in all the women, and whether or not
they were already in a relationship made no difference to them.
* Whether or not THEY were
already in a relationshop also made no difference to guys.
* The other 10 percent of the women wanted a man who was completely
wrong for them and seeing someone else.
* Moral for guys: If you really want to score in a bar, leave your
wedding ring ON.
* There was supposed to be more to the study, but the two women
researchers had a falling out after one stole the other's boyfriend.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
August
19,
2009
Some Like It Cold - 23 years ago,
businessman Richard Poncher fulfilled his last wish of being laid to
rest face-down in the crypt just above Marilyn Monroe. But now, his
widow Elsie needs to pay off a $3 million mortgage on their Beverly
Hills mansion, so she's moving him out and auctioning his crypt on
eBay. The ad says, "Spend eternity directly above Marilyn Monroe." As
of last night, bidding had reached $4.5 million.
* That makes sense; most guys prefer to be on top.
* See, he told his
wife this would be the best investment he ever made!
* Of course, she's been cold, stiff and wasting away for 47 years, so
it would be more like lying on top of Kate Moss.
* Elsie figures, "He's had his fun."
* The buyer can spend eternity directly above Marilyn Monroe, until his
widow needs money.
WEB LINK! The eBay auction
site: http://tinyurl.com/ls56dq
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
August
18.
2009
Worse...Proposal...EVER! - Comic
book store owner Dave Luebke of Richmond, Virginia, is furious that
after a 67-year love triangle, Archie is proposing to Veronica instead
of Betty. Luebke said, "Betty is it. Not Veronica. This is serious."
And he says 99 percent of his customers agree that Betty is the clear
choice. He's so upset that Friday, he auctioned off his prized copy of
Archie Comics #1. It brought $38,837. Luebke admits he could use the
money in this economy, but he really did mostly do it for Betty.
* He's hoping that she'll be so impressed, she'll marry him now.
* He's planning to use the money to hire Big Moose to beat some sense
into Archie.
* Did he ever consider that Archie will have a lot more money than that
after he marries Veronica?
* Cut him some slack, the poor guy owns a comic book store...This could
be as close to a girlfriend as he'll ever get.
* Poor Betty...She's the Jennifer Aniston of comic book characters.
***************************************************************
Monday,
August 17, 2009
Smell That Dairy Air - Property
managers in northern China have a new tool for fighting crime: butter.
Burglars kept getting into rental units in the city of Xi'an by
climbing up the gas pipelines on the outside of the buildings. There
was a surveillance camera system, but crooks had broken all the
cameras. As a less-expensive alternative, they brought in 220 pounds
(100 kg) of butter and smeared it all over the pipes. Now, they're too
slippery for anyone to climb.
* And in the afternoon sun, the smell keeps burglars away.
* Burglars say, "I can't believe it's butter!"
* It is attracting swarms of human flies.
* In America, butter also keeps burglars from climbing up pipes,
because they ate so much of it and got too fat.
***************************************************************
Friday,
August 14, 2009
Stop The Presses! - Brunel
University in London confirms that men are more likely to have casual
sex than women, and are far less choosy about whom they do it with.
LiveScience.com reports that male students were shown females of
varying attractiveness and asked to rate the likelihood of them
agreeing to a one-night stand with her on a 1-100 scale. Their average
agreement rate was 46. Women who were asked the same question about
various men had an agreement rate of 4. Also, men are willing to
lower their standards to have a one-night stand with a girl uglier than
they normally demand, while women raise their standards and will only
do it with a much hotter guy than they would normally date.
* So if you wake up with an ugly chick, it means she normally dates
orangutans.
* Men want a girlfriend who looks like Liv Tyler, but they'll have sex
with a woman who looks like Steven Tyler.
* The average casual sex agreement rate for men was 46...after three
beers, 96.
* There was a 46 percent chance these guys would agree to have sex with
any woman who asked... Or as I call these guys: "gay."
***************************************************************
Thursday,
August
13,
2009
The Grabbiest Place On Earth -
60-year-old John William Moyer of Pennsylvania was found guilty
yesterday of groping a woman who was playing Minnie Mouse at Disney
World in Orlando. He was sentenced to probation, community service,
court fees, a psychiatric evaluation, and to write a letter of apology.
Moyer still claims he's innocent and his adult son says his dad would
never touch a woman inappropriately. But the woman who plays Minnie
said she had to push him away, and "I was doing everything I could to
get his hands off my breasts."
* This has been happening ever since those nude cell phone shots of
Minnie leaked onto the Internet.
* He was just feeling horny...They're lucky he wasn't feeling Goofy.
* It's bad enough that Donald Duck refuses to put on pants around her.
* That's nothing; you should see what happens to Mickey on Gay Day.
* This guy has a very weird definition of "Fantasyland."
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
August
12,
2009
A survey by the Universities of Indiana and Utah found that about 70
percent of Americans, across all ages, believe it's beneficial for
women to take their husband's last names when they marry...That's 40 percent of women, 100 percent of
men...Unless the husband is named Fred Hitler...Unless she's Britney
Spears and he's Kevin Federline...That way, when they divorce, she even
takes his name with her.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
August
11,
2009
The Scoop On The Poop - Police in
Dayton, Ohio, rushed to the backyard of a vacant house after getting a
call that there was a possible dead body. They saw something wrapped in
blankets with flies buzzing around it and an "ungodly" smell. They
unwrapped the blanket and discovered...a huge pile of dog poop. One
officer called it a dog poop burrito. He complained about the waste of
tax dollars and called it "ridiculous" to tie up all those officers for
a prank.
* Oh, it wasn't a prank: the people who used to live there owned a
Great Dane.
* Worse, they'll never be able to eat at Taco Bell again.
* Eh, he's just disappointed that they didn't find a dead body.
* Hey, some people enjoy a giant dog crap burrito. That "G.I. Joe"
movie made $60 million.
***************************************************************
Monday,
August 10, 2009
Positively 34th Street -
BulllyPulpit.com claims that Bob Dylan is recording his first-ever
Christmas album. He's reportedly already cut four songs at Jackson
Browne's studio in Santa Monica, including "Must Be Santa," "Here Comes
Santa Claus," "I'll be Home for Christmas," and "O Little Town of
Bethlehem." For those baffled because of Dylan being Jewish, the site
notes that he did go through a famous period of claiming to be a Born
Again Christian, so maybe he is again.
* That would make him born again again, or born three times, which
means his next birth is free!
* It would be like the Barbra Streisand Christmas album, only slightly
less nasal.
* Maybe he'll sing them in Hebrew...Let's face it, who could tell?
***************************************************************
Friday,
August 7, 2009
Save Water: Golden Shower With A Friend -
A Brazilian environmental group called SOS Mata Atlantica is running a
TV PSA, urging Brazilians to save the rain forest by peeing in the
shower. They say it's a humorous way to tell people that avoiding just
one flush a day saves 1,157 gallons of water a year. The cartoon spot
shows people from all walks of life urinating in the shower, including
a trapeze artist, a basketball player and a space alien, as children's
voices say, "Pee in the shower! Save the Atlantic rainforest!"
* Better yet, pee in the rain forest!
* I hear Madonna does this...It's why nobody wanted to hold hands with
her during "Hands Across America."
* Of course, baths use less water than showers, so you really should
pee in the tub.
* If you can get a basketball player to pee in the shower, it's an
improvement over where he usually does it.
* If space aliens pee in the shower, I shudder to think what they do in
the kitchen sink.
* Don't try this if you have prostate problems...You'll be in the
shower for an hour.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
August
6,
2009
We Love Them Long Time - Insight
China magazine polled Chinese readers to determine which professions
had the most and least public trust. The most trustworthy were
religious workers, followed by farmers, and in third place,
prostitutes. China Daily editorialized that the high trust ranking for
prostitutes was "indeed unusual," as well as "surprising and
embarrassing." But they far outranked scientists, teachers and
government officials. The least trustworthy group included real estate
developers, agents and entertainers.
* Surprising, since prostitutes ARE entertainers,
and
most
entertainers
are
prostitutes.
* Entertainers ranked agents dead last.
* People prefer prostitutes to government officials because they both
take the public's money before screwing them, but at least the
prostitutes make it enjoyable.
* They trust prostitutes more than teachers because prostitutes won't
have sex with your teenage sons unless you pay them to.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
August
5,
2009
From Hot Sex To Hot Glue - Four
women in Stockbridge, Wisconsin, could face up to six years on false
imprisonment charges, and one is charged with fourth-degree sexual
assault, for taking revenge on a cheating man. They found out the man,
who was married to one of the women, was also romancing the other
three. So one of them lured him to a motel for a night of hot sex.
Instead, they allegedly ambushed him, tied him to a chair, took turns
punching him in the face and crazy-glued his penis to his stomach. The
women were freed on $200 bail.
* Let me guess: female judge?
* It wasn't their idea...This is one of Martha Stewart's projects.
* It did cure him of fantasizing about a five-way.
* They probably wouldn't mind being locked away in a place with no men.
* They'll either get six years in prison or five-year contracts to host
an Oxygen Network TV show.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
August
4,
2009
Hmm, They're Too Sophisticated To Be By
Salieri... - The International Mozarteum Foundation in Salzburg
says it's authenticated two newly-discovered pieces by Mozart. They're
35 measures of a piano prelude and a complete 75-measure keyboard
concerto, both scrawled on the back of Mozart's sister's piano
instruction textbook. Experts now believe Mozart composed them when he
was about 7 years old.
* Great! Mozart not only accomplished more before he was 35 than I ever
will, now he's accomplished more before he was seven.
* The concerto is entitled "My Sister Is A Buttface, in A-minor."
* He also scrawled a brilliant cartoon of a bear with a musket shooting
Johann Sebastian Bach.
* Today's parents think their kids are geniuses if they've memorized
all the Wiggles' songs by age 7.
***************************************************************
Monday,
August 3, 2009
He Couldn't Wait For The Bankruptcy
Auction? - A 54-year-old man was arrested in Fraser, Michigan,
last Saturday night for misdemeanor assault and battery after he
allegedly assaulted a female friend during a Monopoly game. Police say
he hit her in the head and broke her glasses after she refused to sell
him Park Place and Boardwalk.
* He must've thought they were playing Donald Trump's real estate game.
* Men shouldn't try to assert their right of eminent domain over women.
* He went to jail. He went directly to jail.
***************************************************************
Friday, July 29, 2009
Sultan Of Swinging - 40-year-old
Saudi national Sultan Al-Sayed was arrested at a public swimming pool
in Colchester, England, for allegedly getting down on the floor outside
of changing stalls and looking under the doors to spy on people.
There's no evidence he was targeting children, but he was caught when a
10-year-old girl caught him peeping at her. Prosecutors claimed he used
a mirror to help him get a better look. The judge sentenced him to nine
weeks in jail and recommended deportation afterward. He did not buy
Al-Sayed's excuse that he had a toothache and was just down on the
floor so he could press his cheek against the cool tiles.
* And he just had the mirror so he could get a good look at some
cavities.
* Then he said, "Okay, you got me! I really have a fetish for pressing
my face against tile floors!"
* He'll love prison: they have free dentistry
AND communal showers.
* He begged them not to deport him. He said, "Do you know how hard it
is to look up a burqa?!"
***************************************************************
Thursday,
July
30,
2009
Inspired
By
Luby’s
- German brothels are so desperate foor customers
during the recession, they've introduced a "flat-rate sex" promotion.
For about $90 U.S., customers can have sex with as many women as they
want or can. Brothel managers say it's an idea borrowed from
all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants.
* It's cheap, but some of the options have been laying out under the
sun lamp too long and turned to leather.
* It's really more like a seafood buffet: most men pick up more crabs
than they can handle.
* Most guys opt for four breasts and a pair of thighs, then finish off
with a couple of tarts.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
July
29,
2009
Most Catty: Princeton - The
Princeton Review has released its annual ranking of U.S. colleges in a
number of categories. Texas A&M students are the most conservative,
NYU is the most accepting of gays, and Penn State is the #1 Party
School. It knocked the University of Florida down to second place. For
the 12th straight year, the #1 "Stone Cold Sober School" is Brigham
Young University in Utah.
* Of course, that's easy to win: they're the only college on the list.
* Anyone who claims to be more sober than BYU gets named the "Biggest
Liar School."
* The University of Florida came in second, so Florida will once again
be demanding a recount.
* NYU is the “Best School for Parties You Don't Talk About the Next
Day.”
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
July
28,
2009
Maybe In 20 Years - Alabama's
liquor control agency has banned California's Cycles Gladiator wine
from stores and restaurants in the state. There's nothing wrong with
the wine, but officials say it violates Alabama's ban on labels that
are offensive or immodest. The label is a painting of a nude nymph
flying beside a winged bicycle. It's taken from a bicycle advertising
poster created in 1895.
* Alabama's standards for immodesty are from 1885.
* They object to the nudity and to the winged bicycle violating God's
laws.
* She's a nude nymph, not a nude nympho!
* In Alabama, nymphs are required to ride bicycles sidesaddle.
***************************************************************
Monday, July 27, 2009
NEWS NOTE! The
German magazine Bild asked Brad Pitt if he believes in God, and Pitt
replied, "No, no, no! I'm probably 20 percent atheist and 80 percent
agnostic"...And 10 percent believer.
Actors are lousy at math...Some people think Brad Pitt IS God...If
there is anyone on Earth who has NO RIGHT to whine that "there is no
God," it's Brad Pitt! If I had his life, I'd be down on my knees every
night, and not just in front of Angelina!
***************************************************************
Friday,
July 24, 2009
Jackhammers, Maybe - The Sun
reports that Viorel Firoiu of Orlea, Romania, showed up at a hospital
in distress because he had two hammerheads stuck up his rear end. He
told the astonished doctors that he'd been eating cherries that made
him constipated. He had some drinks to ease the pain, then got the
drunk idea of loosening up his bowels by sticking a hammer up there.
But the hammerhead came off and got stuck. So he tried a second hammer.
The head of that one came off and got stuck, too. Firoiu needed surgery
to remove them both.
* But for the crowbar, they prescribed Ex-Lax.
* He also needed two new hammers.
* This guy's so stupid, the doctors ripped him a new one.
* That's his story, and he's stickin' to it.
* This reminds them of the time they removed two hammerhead sharks from
Richard Gere.
* Some reporter should've asked Obama how this guy would've fared under
his health care bill.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
July
23,
2009
It Affects 90% Of Vegas Residents - William
Jablonski
of
Las
Vegas
is
going
to
federal
court
to
establish
the
Constitutional
right
to
impersonate
Elvis.
He
does
Elvis
on
the
street
along
the
Vegas
Strip,
and
he
accuses
police
of
repeatedly
harassing
him
for
disorderly
conduct,
obstructing
the
sidewalk
and
being
a
public
nuisance. So he's suing the city, the county, the police, the D.A. and
the Nevada Attorney General. Several other street performers and the
ACLU joined the suit. They claim that laws restricting street
performers from impersonating Elvis are unconstitutional violations of
freedom of speech and expression.
* This is why the Second Amendment gives you the right to own a gun: so
you can shoot out your TV, like Elvis.
* My question: How bad an Elvis impersonator do you have to be if you
can't find a job doing it inside a Vegas lounge?
* You mean Vegas cops arrest people for doing Elvis' act, but they let
Carrot Top perform in showrooms?!
* If he resembles the old, fat Elvis, then he probably is obstructing the sidewalk.
* I think you should have a Constitutional right to impersonate Elvis,
but if you impersonate Chris Tucker, then you're a public nuisance.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
July
22,
2009
Fred And Barney Made Out All Right -
A genetic study by the Max-Planck Institute for Evolutionary
Anthropology in Germany may have solved the mystery of why Neanderthals
died out: they didn't have enough women. A study on fossil DNA suggests
that the population of Neanderthals never took off because at any one
time, there were only about 1500 females of child-bearing age in all of
Europe.
* Let this be a lesson to you, China.
* This is the first time I've ever heard of Neanderthals having a hard
time attracting women.
* So it turns out that courting women by bopping them on the head with
a club is a bad idea.
* Also, women like guys with a sense of humor, and that "Cavemen"
sitcom proved that Neanderthals aren't funny.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
July
21,
2009
The world's oldest man, Briton
Henry Allingham, who credited his longevity to "cigarettes, whisky and
wild, wild women," died Sunday at 113...Damn those cigarettes!
***************************************************************
Monday,
July 20, 2009
The Road To Utopia - Vice
President Joe Biden is on the road to make the case for Obama's
economic plans. In Virginia, where unemployment is high and still
rising statewide, Biden insisted that anyone who thinks their plans
aren't working should look around and "see what I see everywhere I go:
workers rehired, factories reopened..."
* "...Giant talking rabbits that buy you drinks!..."
* Wow! Where does he go?! I
want to go there!
***************************************************************
Friday,
July 17, 2009
Damn Cigarette Taxes! -
Monday, a technical glitch at a Visa Debit Processing Center caused
about 13,000 people to be hit with an outrageous charge. Visa says the
accounts have all been corrected and the charges voided. But customers
nearly had a stroke when they saw their bank records. One man in New
Hampshire bought a pack of Camel cigarettes at a convenience store and
was stunned to get charged over $23 quadrillion dollars...plus a $15
overdraft fee. $23 quadrillion is about 2,007 times the size of the
U.S. national debt.
* Or about the size of the national debt in 2013.
* Oh, cigarettes are $23
quadrillion a pack now...It's how the Democrats plan to pay for
universal health care.
* $23 quadrillion is expensive even for a convenience store.
* This hasn't happened to him since that time his wife took his Visa
card to Neiman's.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
July
16,
2009
Jurist Prudence - Supreme Court
nominee Sonia Sotomayor was grilled by Senate Republicans Tuesday on
her more controversial rulings and statements about race and gender.
She made it hard to pin her down as a liberal activist, but also hard
to understand what she ever actually said or meant. The A.P. noted that
she repeatedly clarified, retracted or expanded on her previous
statements, often using phrases such as "I wasn't talking about...," "I
didn't intend to suggest...", "As I have tried to explain..." and "I
was using a rhetorical flourish that fell flat. It was bad."
* Al Franken sympathized: he's built an entire career on bad rhetorical
flourishes that fall flat.
* Finally, she blamed all those statements on her evil twin, Selena
Sotomayor.
* So, when she writes a Supreme Court ruling, who's going to interpret that?
* She's said so many things she didn't really mean, she's not fit for
the Supreme Court...She belongs in Congress.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
July
15,
2009
QUOTE OF THE DAY! From
naturally-buxom
pop
singer,
Katy
Perry:
"All
I
wanted
out
of
life
was
a
hit
record
and
a
great
pair
of
boobs.
I
woke
up
one
morning,
and
I
had
both"...Well, technically, I'll bet
the boobs came first.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Too Much Djinn - Al Watan
newspaper reports that a family who live near Medina, Saudi Arabia,
have gone to court to get an obnoxious genie ejected from their house.
They say they had to move out after they began hearing various weird
voices telling them to leave. They accuse the genie of theft and
harassment by threatening them, throwing stones at them, and stealing
their mobile phones. The court is investigating. In Islamic tradition,
genies are malevolent spirits, not hot women who live in a bottle like
in the '60s sitcom, "I Dream of Jeannie."
* Any woman who dressed like Barbara Eden in "I Dream Of Jeannie"
would've been stoned to death long ago.
* Although I suspect a large bottle does have something to do with this
story.
* Genies talk in multiple weird voices and annoy people into fleeing?
So they really are like Robin Williams!
***************************************************************
Friday,
July 3, 2009 - Happy 4th! We are on vacation! Back July
13th!
The Lame In Spain - Gwenyth Paltrow
said she has been going to Spain her whole life. She says she loves
Spain because unlike in America, people there put their kids ahead of
their Blackberry.
* I thought "Blackberry" was one
of
Gwyneth
Paltrow's
kids.
* Or they would, if the Spaniards ever decided to have kids again.
* Great, another country I can't visit because I might run into Gwyneth
Paltrow.
* Bottom line: ANYPLACE is
better than the country that made her rich and famous.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
July
2,
2009
A new Gallup poll finds that 46 percent of Americans now see the
Democratic Party as "too liberal"...And
just
in
the
24
hours
since
Al
Franken
was
declared
a
Senator,
they
see
the
party
as
"less
funny."
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
July
1,
2009
Michael Jackson's mother has secured temporary legal custody of his
three kids, and his will reportedly requests that she raise them.
* Because who's better at raising kids than the mother of the Jackson
family?
* That will prevent them from suddenly being thrown into a circus-like
environment.
* The poor kids are really confused...They had no idea there was such a
thing as a female parent.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
June
30,
2009
Heaven On Earth - Police in
Dallas Friday pulled over an Arkansas driver on traffic violations,
noticed he had a coffin in the back of his van, and found it didn't
contain a body. But it did contain 100 pounds of marijuana.
* They had him dead to rights.
* He claimed that was medicinal marijuana...The coffin was for if it
didn't work.
* This is why his family specified a closed casket.
***************************************************************
Monday,
June 29, 2009
Canterbury Tail - After a
two-month investigation that cost British taxpayers thousands of
pounds, the town of Canterbury has officially been declared "gay
enough." Gay activists complained to the national government that local
leaders promoted the town's history, like its famous cathedral, but
didn't support gay culture enough. The city had to prove it did support
gay-oriented exhibits and touring plays and musicals of primary
interest to gays. A council spokesman said they were glad to be
vindicated, adding that they do a lot for the gay community, but "it is
not the duty of any council to set up a gay bar - that's not what
councils do."
* Well, aside from the San Francisco City Council...
* They don't unless the city doesn't have one, and then, they're
required to.
* What touring musical wouldn't
be
primarily
of
interest
to
gays?
* This is the first city in England that's ever been accused of not
being gay enough.
***************************************************************
Friday,
June 26, 2009
She Drinks For The Halibut -
A Ft. Smith, Arkansas, woman failed to regain custody of her three
children from her husband's stepmother. Officials had ruled her an
unfit mother. She convinced them to give her a psychological
evaluation, but she reportedly showed up to take it after drinking 13
beers. The court rejected her petition, even though she insisted she
wasn't drunk because she "can drink like a fish."
* ...A pickled herring.
* That makes her more qualified to be a mother than Kate Gosselin.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
June
25,
2009
A new A.P. poll finds that half of U.S. pet owners consider their pets
as much a part of the family as any human relative, while another 36
percent say their pet is part of the family, but not a full member...Sort of like Jon & Kate's kids...Or
like Madonna's adopted kids...In Chicago, many pets are even registered
to vote...The other 14 percent describe dogs and cats as "good eatin'."
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
June
24,
2009
And It's A Musical! - Britney
Spears may cap her music comeback by trying her hand at movie acting
again. She's reportedly considering a script called "The Yellow Star of
Sophia and Eton." She'd play a girl who invents a time machine, travels
back to World War II, falls in love with a Jewish guy at a
concentration camp and brings him back to the present time, but she's
killed by Nazis.
* So Tom Cruise isn't the only celebrity who makes movies where Nazis
are the heroes.
* They're skinheads, so Britney could play them, too.
* Britney Spears invents a time machine?! Britney can't even figure out
how an egg timer works.
* If Britney Spears had a time machine, she'd go back to 1999.
* In the end, we learn it was all a dream brought on by washing down
bratwurst with margaritas.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
June
23,
2009
He Was Just Using His Mouth To Make
Money - "American Idol" runner-up Adam Lambert already has an
album out, but he's not happy about it. Hi-Fi Recordings put out a CD
called "On With The Show" featuring songs recorded by Lambert when he
was a struggling studio singer in 2005, making money by doing vocals on
songs written by other people. Hi-Fi CEO John Heckler says the music is
"incredible" and it was the right thing to do to make it available to
Adam's fans. But Adam angrily says it "in no way" reflects the music
he's currently working on.
* It's just a lot of stuff that came out of the closet.
* Still, he'll always have a place in his heart for show tunes.
* He was mostly cutting demos for people who wanted to sell songs to
Ann Wilson.
* Adam doesn't want some sleazy producer destroying his career by
releasing a crappy album before the "American Idol" people have a
chance to do that.
***************************************************************
Monday,
June 22, 2009
Breakfast Blowout - Police in
Talleyville, Delaware, are searching for a man who fled an Arby's
restaurant at 9:30 a.m. Thursday, after setting off fireworks in the
bathroom. They say he ran out and took off in a brown pickup after a
loud blast was heard from the men's room. Employees found a damaged
toilet after he left.
* Are they sure it was fireworks? Because this happens all the time at
Taco Bell.
* He must've been desperate to cure his constipation...But if he eats
at Arby's a lot, he probably was.
***************************************************************
Friday,
June 19, 2009 - Happy Father's Day Weekend!
Sponsored By Lysol - The
travel website TripAdvisor.com has named Ireland's Blarney Stone as the
world's most unhygienic tourist attraction. There's no scientific
evidence to back it up, but they figure it must be loaded with germs
since 400,000 people come from around the world every year to kiss it.
The runner-up is a wall outside a Seattle theater where tens of
thousands of people have stuck their chewing gum over the years. #3 is
Oscar Wilde's lipstick-covered tomb in Paris, #4 is the pigeon-filled
St. Marks Square in Venice, and #5 is the celebrity handprints at
Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood that tourists can't resist
placing their own hands on.
* God knows what you'll catch just from touching Mickey Rourke's
handprint.
* If you kiss the Blarney Stone, you're going to need good luck.
* So I guess they don't consider Paris Hilton to be a Los Angeles
tourist attraction.
* Actually, the most unhygienic place you'll encounter on your vacation
is your hotel room bedspread.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
June
18,
2009
The IRS Commissioner is asking Congress to repeal a tax on personal use
of company cell phones, calling it burdensome, poorly understood,
outdated, impossible to administer, a waste of workers' time and a drag
on productivity...My question: do we
have any income tax laws that AREN'T all those things?
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
June
17,
2009
What A Dome Idea - CBS is
shooting a new reality show that's required them to build a high wall
around eight homes in an Atlanta suburb and seal the residents in
together. A spokesman said, "It will be a bizarre experience for all of
them. This is as ambitious as it gets." Comparing it to the "Simpsons"
movie In which Springfield was sealed in a dome, the producers say the
eight neighboring families will be trapped behind the 20-foot wall and
forced to spend time with each other for three weeks to win a prize.
It's tentatively titled, "Block Party."
* But after the neighbors start killing each other, it'll be renamed
"Cell Block Party."
* It's called that because the title "Drag Me To Hell" was taken
already.
* After about a week, it'll have to be retitled, "Climbing The Walls."
* The prize wil be a suicide pill.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
June
16,
2009
Happy Jack - Jen Nestor
Waddell of Seattle took her Labrador, Jack, for a walk in Seward Park,
but was worried when he ran off and later returned glassy-eyed and
having trouble walking. A vet determined that somewhere in the park,
he'd found a large quantity of marijuana and eaten it. Waddell said the
dog was "just stoned." The vet gave him something to make him throw up,
and he was back to normal by the next day. Waddell told police they
could borrow Jack to help them find the drug stash if they'd pay his
$1500 vet bill.
* And cover the tab for $300 worth of donuts.
* Thank God her parrot didn't eat a lot of pot...It would've talked
about Kevin Smith movies all night.
***************************************************************
Monday,
June 15, 2009
Putting The Bone In Bono - A
publicist for Sonny and Cher's daughter,
longtime lesbian rights activist Chastity Bono, announced that Chastity
is in the early stages of a sex change operation to become a man. Bono
recently turned 40. The rep said, "Yes, it's true -- Chaz, after many
years of consideration, has made the courageous decision to honor his
true identity," and asked for privacy as "Chaz" will not be doing any
interviews at this time.
* His voice is still too high...Even after he gets a penis, it'll still
be higher than Cher's.
* The hormones must be turning her into a straight man...She's already
starting to hate Cher records.
* Ironically, Chaz has a lot of gay male friends who've also had
surgery, but just to look like Cher.
* Cher looks forward to having another son so she can date his friends.
***************************************************************
Friday,
June 12, 2009
And 90 Percent Alcohol -
Later this month, you'll be able to taste the world's oldest beer. A
molecular archeologist figured out the recipe from dried remnants in a
9,000-year-old Chinese pot. The Dogfight Head Craft Brewery in Milton,
Delaware will be offering it nationwide. It's made with rice, honey and
fruit and is described as "very smooth" and "not overly sweet."
* Uh, that wasn't a beer pot...It was a chamber pot.
* It can't have been very good if they left any remnants of it.
* There's also a secret ingredient, from which we got the phrase, "hair
of the dog."
* It's endorsed by Larry King, who says, "It tastes just like I
remember it!"
***************************************************************
Thursday, June 11, 2009
In
the cover story of the next Rolling Stone magazine, "American Idol"
runner-up Adam Lambert says, "I don't think it should be a surprise for
anyone to hear that I'm gay"...He
still doesn't admit that he is gay, but he does admit it's no surprise
to hear it everywhere else... Well, Clay Aiken was shocked...When Ellen
was on Time magazine, the headline read, "Yep, I'm Gay." This headline
reads, "Duh, I'm Gay"...This is the biggest "Idol" scoop Rolling Stone
has had since Ruben Studdard admitted he was fat.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
No
Mercy
- After being rejected by Malawi child welfare
authorities, Madonna has reportedly persuaded three appeals judges to
let her adopt another orphan she's renamed Mercy. The London Sun quoted
a friend as saying that Madonna can "move mountains when she's this
determined." The judges reportedly decided the 18-month residency
requirement is an "out of date rule." There was no comment on other
objections that Madonna is divorced, constantly traveling, and immoral.
* Being concerned about those
things is out of date, too...That all happened before the date on the
three checks she wrote.
* Another thing that's out of date
is that whole silly notion that white people can't go to Africa and buy
black children.
* They decided that it wasn't in
Malawi's best interests to demand that Madonna live there for 18
months.
* Now Angelina Jolie will have to
one-up her by adopting the entire nation of Kenya.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Raising
Eyebrows
- Health experts are worried that thee demand for Botox
could lead to illegal sales on the Internet. The UK consumer magazine
"Which?" recently discovered someone auctioning a do-it-yourself Botox
kit on eBay with no prescription. It was complete with Botox powder,
needles and a face map. It was removed as soon as eBay was notified,
but it could be just the tip of the Internet iceberg. A "Which?" editor
said, "It's easy to forget that Botox is actually a poison, which if
injected in the wrong area could produce some shocking results."
* You've all seen Nancy Pelosi.
* You could end up slack-jawed, glassy-eyed and drooling...Pretty much
the typical eBay buyer.
* The item is now back up on eBay
as "Dr. Kevorkian's Home Suicide Kit."
* If you could buy needles full of
Botox on the Internet, women would be using them like mascara...In the
car, while driving to work.
* Just buy your husband enough
Viagra off the Internet, and it won't matter how you look.
***************************************************************
Monday, June 8, 2009
Grammy officials are making changes
in their awards categories: Latin Urban and Latin Rock will merge into
Latin Rock Or Urban; contemporary folk/Americana will split into two
categories, and sadly, the Grammy for Best Polka Album will be
eliminated...But sadly, polka music
will not be eliminated...It's always SO hard to pick just one!...It
hasn't been nearly as much fun to announce the winner since Whoopee
John Wilfahrt died.
***************************************************************
Friday, June 5, 2009
Tyler
Durden
Would
Not
Dump
Angelina
Jolie
- The National Enquirer is
claiming that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's relationship has grown so
frosty that they are about to officially split up. But their rep called
People.com to deny it. And the "What Would Tyler Durden Do" celeb
website contacted someone they claim is "very, very, very close to
Angelina," and who replied, "There is no split."
* But we do know there is someone
very, very, very close to Angelina who is NOT Brad Pitt.
* Also, a Gallup poll finds that 93
percent of Brad and Angelina's kids think they should stay together.
* Too bad...I'd love to see Brad go
back to Jennifer Aniston and say, "I thought
we were on a BREAK!"
***************************************************************
Thursday, June 4, 2009
This
Took
A
Neuroscientist?
- Indiana University neuroscientist
Heather Rupp discovered that when women are in a relationship, they
lose interest in other men. Women were shown photos of men and asked to
rate their attractiveness. All their ratings were basically the same,
but women who didn't have sexual partners spent more time looking at
the photos and evaluating the men, while women who were in
relationships showed less interest and spent less time looking.
However, when men were asked to look at photos of women and judge their
attractiveness, both the men who were in relationships and those who
weren't spent the same amount of time looking at the photos.
* ...37 days.
* They spent 16 hours on the photo of Jessica Alba alone.
* They knew this was for science, so they had to be absolutely sure a
woman was a 10 and not a 9-and-a-half.
* The men in relationships had to judge whether the woman in the
picture was more attractive than their partners, and if so, would they
have a shot at her?
***************************************************************
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
A
Yarn They Can't Follow - Researchers at Canterbury Christ Church
University in Britain say they discovered why cats never get bored with
chasing string: because they don't understand cause-and-effect between
objects. Chimps, parrots and ravens all figure out if a treat is
attached to a string, they can pull on the string and the treat draws
closer. But in tests, cats never could figure out to pull on the one of
two strings that had a treat attached to get it. They would just bat at
both stings. A researcher said dog owners shouldn't feel superior
because he's done quite a few tests on dogs, and they don't get it,
either.
* Even after the parrots explain it to them 40 times.
*
A
Chinese
researcher
added,
"See
why
we
eat
them?"
* Maybe the cats are just so finicky, they like the strings but detest
the treat.
* Somehow, cats make the connection between the sound of a can opener
and the need to come running up and act like they like you.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Radio
Comedy
Writers
Do
This
Every
Summer
- First came "staycations,"
where cash-strapped Americans tried to recreate the vacation experience
at home. Now, the new trend is "moviecations." The box office is
booming as people escape to movies instead of going on actual
vacations. Analysts say people are looking for the most bang for their
vacation buck by packing into movies with lots of escapism or effects,
exotic locales, or gimmicks like 3D. 56 percent of the take for
"Monsters Vs. Aliens" came from the 3D version, even though it played
on less than one-third of the total screens.
* Feeling surrounded by monstrous freaks and hostile aliens was just
like taking a vacation in Southern California.
* Seeing "A Night At The Museum" only costs $10...You could go to an
actual museum for free, but let's not go overboard.
* If you want to go to Italy, see "Angels & Demons;" if you want to
visit Greece, see Nia Vardolos' new movie, "My Life in Ruins;" and if
you want to experience a week in the car driving the kids to Orlando,
see "Drag Me To Hell."
***************************************************************
Monday, June 1, 2009
The
Blonde
Leading
The
Blonde
– Over the weekend, Latvia's Blondes'
Association tried to perk up Latvians who are depressed by the economy
by hosting the first "Blonde Weekend" in the town of Riga. They say
everyone knows blondes have more fun. So they invited an army of 500
blondes for a parade, an all-blonde orchestra, a blonde fashion show
and an evening ball. There was even a golf tournament open only to
blonde women.
* It was very competitive: they all tried to score as high as possible.
* They decided against the all-blonde "Jeopardy" championship.
* Somehow, the phrase "blonde weekend" sounds like it would involve
more fun that that.
* In America, when an Army of 500 blondes suddenly shows up, it's
called a "CSI: Miami" audition.
***************************************************************
Friday, May 29, 2009
Reggie
Eloped
To
Vermont
With
Dilton
Doily
- For over 60 years, Betty
and Veronica have fought over Archie Andrews, but he's finally made up
his mind. Archie Comics announced that starting in September, they'll
begin a six-part series called "Archie Marries Veronica," in which
Archie proposes to the spoiled, rich brunette. Betty is said to be
heartbroken, while Jughead is rumored to be appalled, but he did not
reply to requests for comment.
* Of course, Jughead's upset! First, California upholds Prop 8, and now
this!
* Betty feels as if she's wasted the best 60 years of her life.
* They expect the honeymoon issue to be their biggest seller ever.
* If he had any sense, he'd marry Betty and just fool around with
Veronica.
* Archie was so desperate to lose his virginity, it was either this or
take up Miss Grundy's offer.
***************************************************************
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Mr. Rogers Is Spinning Right Now -
At a social sciences conference in Ottawa, a researcher from Toronto's
York University defended "sexting," or young teens taking nude photos
of themselves and e-mailing them to each other. Prof. Peter Cumming
said young people are sexual beings who have explored their sexuality
in
every culture since the dawn of time, and all that's changed is the
technology. He said nude "sexting" is just a modern variation on
"playing doctor or spin-the-bottle."
* Or strip poker in front of a
video camera.
* Why can't today's kids do like I
had to, and explore their sexuality all alone?
* And I'm supposed to believe that
a guy defending nude photos of teenagers is a real professor named "Peter
Cumming"?
***************************************************************
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Spot The Real Turkey - Henry
Gasiorowski of Greenwich, Connecticut, is recovering from a blast of
shotgun pellets in the arm and back. He was at a hunting club early
Friday morning, blowing turkey mating calls while sitting directly
behind a decoy turkey. A hunting companion mistakenly opened fire.
* Seriously, Dick Cheney should just give up hunting.
* Only one? He's lucky he didn't end up like Bonnie and Clyde.
* Next, he plans to go deer hunting by camouflaging himself in a Bambi
costume.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Next, On "Monk" - After being
guilt-tripped into giving up plastic and paper grocery bags for
reusable cloth bags to save the Earth, you'll be happy to hear those
bags may kill you. A study by Sporometics in Toronto found that
carrying groceries in the same bags over and over turns them into
incubators of food poisoning. 64 percent of the bags tested had some
kind of bacterial contamination, close to 30 percent had more than is
considered safe in water, and 40 percent had yeast or mold. Some even
had fecal contamination. That could be from carrying meat, but
researchers warn not to also use them as gym bags or diaper bags.
* If you've even thought of using your grocery bags as diaper bags,
please don't ever invite me to dinner at your house.
* The only way to prevent this is to wrap all your groceries in several
layers of plastic wrap.
* To be on the safe side, dry clean your eco-friendly bags after every
use.
* Screw the Earth, save yourselves!
***************************************************************
Monday, May 25, 2009 - Memorial Day
They'd Rather Die Than Be Imperfect -
Researchers
at
British
Columbia's
Trinity
Western
University
found
being
a
perfectionist
can
kill
you.
They
did
psychological
evaluations
of
450
people
age
65
to
87
and
followed
them
for
6-1/2
years.
Those
who
tended
toward
"all
or
nothing
thinking"
and
had
"a
strong
motivation
to
be perfect" were 51 percent more likely to die during the term of the
study than those who were easy-going, put less pressure on themselves,
and had lower, more reasonable self-expectations.
* On the plus side, the perfectionists had already made detailed
arrangements for the perfect funeral.
* It's not clear from the data, but it's possible the perfectionists
died because their roommates killed them.
* The good news: we won't have to put up with Martha Stewart much
longer.
***************************************************************
Friday, May 22, 2009
Excellent Bouquet! - Yesterday,
astronauts aboard the international space station celebrated a first by
drinking water recycled from their own urine, sweat and condensed
breath moisture. It took so long to get the recycling system set up and
the water tested and okayed that NASA made a big deal out of its
inauguration by holding a tasting ceremony. The water was dispensed in
bags labeled, "Drink this when real water is 200 miles away." American
astronaut Michael Barrett called it "the stuff of science fiction" and
said, "The taste is great," while a NASA spokesman called it "a huge
milestone."
* And later, huge kidney stones.
* At first, they thought it had recycled the urine into Mountain Dew,
and then they realized it wasn't plugged in.
* Can't they just be like tourists in Mexico and drink beer?
* Don't ask what the "chocolate milk" is recycled from.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
May
21,
2009
Poe Didn't Own A Sharpie? -
Forrest Smith of Reading, Pennsylvania, pleaded guilty to book fraud.
Over several years, he would buy first edition books by famous authors
on eBay. Then, under a different eBay user name, he would sell them as
autographed first editions. He actually forged the signatures himself.
His scam raked in over $300,000. For instance, he bought Anne Rice's
"Interview With The Vampire" for $46, signed it with her name, then
resold it for $566.
* But he slipped up and forgot to sign it in blood.
* His undoing came when he bought a copy of "Tom Sawyer" and signed it,
"Tom Sawyer."
* He never should've tried to sell a copy of the Gutenberg Bible signed
by Jesus.
* Who knew that Jane Austen used a Bic pen?
***************************************************************
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Moral: Eat First, Then Rob - The
Austrian Times reports that Ante Baranovic of Croatia ordered half a
dozen pizzas at a pizza shop, then pulled out a knife and robbed the
staff. But he just couldn't resist the pizzas and sat down and started
eating them until the cops arrived. He told them, "I know I should have
run, but those pizzas are good."
* The way this guy eats, running probably wasn't an option.
* He still hasn't been taken to jail because the cops refuse to leave
the pizza place.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
He'll
Never
Hear
The
End
Of
It
- A 78-year-old Lynnwood, Washington,,
woman is charged with assault for allegedly beating her 84-year-old
husband. Prosecutors say she hit him with a bowl, a pipe and a carpet
sweeper. A witness told police that the woman also admitted kicking her
husband in the crotch three times over the past six months because she
believes he had an affair 35 years ago.
* ...With Cloris Leachman.
* He's had so many concussions, he can't remember whether he did or not.
* Gee, I wonder why he'd want to be with another woman?
* To make sure he doesn't cheat again, she's been kicking him in the
crotch regularly for 35 years.
* Let's all pray Elizabeth Edwards lives a very long life, so she can
do this to John.
***************************************************************
Monday, May 18, 2009
The
Counties
Crematorium
in
Milton
Malsor,
England,
is
under
fire
for
replacing
its
longtime
live
funeral
organist
with
a
karaoke
machine.
Critics
say
the
music
sounds
cheesy,
and
the
speaker
quality
is
tinny
and
dreadful...No, that's just the
singers' voices...The worst is when the karaoke machine plays, "I Will
Survive"...Don't you hate it when a crematorium is under fire?
***************************************************************
Friday, May 15, 2009
Spousal Support - The Japanese
lingerie maker Triumph International created a prototype bra for women
who are on the prowl for a husband. The bra isn't for sale, but a
spokeswoman said it would suit modern Japanese women, who are having to
get more aggressive if they want men to commit to marriage. The
"concept bra" has holders for a contract seal and a pen for signing a
nuptial agreement, plus a built-in biological countdown clock. When you
insert an engagement ring into the clock, the countdown stops and it
plays "The Wedding March."
* And it's only then that the bra can be removed.
* If you really want to catch a man, forget about this and just buy a
Wonderbra.
* If you're serious about attracting a husband, try going without a
bra.
***************************************************************
Thursday, May 14, 2009
But They Want To TALK Afterward! -
A study by King's College London found that intelligent women enjoy sex
more than bimbos do. Researchers gave questionnaires to 2000 female
twins to assess their emotional intelligence, or the ability to monitor
and manage feelings and emotions, and their sex lives. The study found
that more intelligent women had more orgasms while those in the bottom
25 percent for intelligence had twice the normal risk of infrequent
orgasm. A psychologist said it could be because intelligent women are
better able to communicate their needs to their partners, or maybe
they're better able to fantasize during sex.
* They're smart enough to know that if they want to have an orgasm,
they'll have to imagine they're doing it with someone other than you.
* The Catch-22: the really intelligent ones are too smart to go to bed
with me.
* This is quite a dilemma: the smart ones like sex more, but the dumb
ones have bigger breasts.
* I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything after "2000 female twins."
***************************************************************
Wednesday , May 13, 2009
The
new
"Star
Trek"
movie
made
$76.5
million
in
its
opening
weekend,
which
is
$26.5
million
more
than
Paramount
estimated...That's
even more amazing when you consider
that nobody who went to it brought a date.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Comic
Marty
Ingels
is
pushing
for
his
wife,
Shirley
Jones,
to
pose
nude
for
Playboy
at
age
75.
He
told
the
New
York
Post,
"She's
still
drop-dead
gorgeous,
and...a
natural
beauty.
I'm
her
husband,
and
I
think
it
would
be
sensational.
Mature
women
are
relevant."
* Come on! Playboy would never want to show a woman who's.........a
natural beauty!
* By "drop dead gorgeous," Marty means that whenever he sees her naked,
he nearly drops dead.
* If they wanted to show elderly women naked, they'd call Madonna.
***************************************************************
Monday, May 11, 2009 (Back after a
weeklong computer meltdown!)
They Only Vowed To Stay Faithful Till Death-
German
anatomist
Gunther
von
Hagens'
new
exhibit
in
Berlin
is
sparking
outrage:
It’s
four
plasticized
human
cadavers
in
simulated
sex
acts.
He
claims
it
“offers
a
deep
understanding
of
the
human
body,
the
biology
of
reproduction,
and
the
nature
of
sexuality."
But
one
lawmaker
says
it’s not about medicine or science, it’s about marketing and breaking
taboos again and again to make money.
* Ad agencies replied, “Isn’t that what sex is all about?”
* Nobody is interested in sex with a skeleton…except David Beckham.
* If I wanted to see a cadaver simulating sex, I’d go to a Madonna
concert.
* The women are stiff, cold and lifeless, so it’s a lot like having sex
with a British chick.
***************************************************************
Friday, May 1, 2009
Stoli Is Mother's Milk To Him - Stacey Anvarinia of Grand
Forks, North Dakota, was arrested for drunken breastfeeding. Police say
that while they answered a domestic disturbance call at her home and
found her "extremely intoxicated." As she was talking to them, they say
she began breastfeeding her six-week-old baby right in front of them.
Since alcohol can pass to babies via breast milk, the baby was taken in
for examination, and Anvarinia was charged with felony child neglect.
* All in all, it's probably a good
thing she didn't decide to bottle feed.
* They assume the baby was drunk:
he was incoherent and couldn't walk a straight line.
* She should get Gloria Allred to
defend her right to breastfeed anywhere, any time.
* She has the only boobs that can
dispense a perfect Ramos Gin Fizz.
***************************************************************
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Losing Our Heads - With the swine
flu threat rising, the Senate finally approved Kathleen Sebelius as
Health and Human Services Secretary. But there are still 20 top HHS
positions empty, and we still don't have nominees for heads of the FDA
or the Centers for Disease Control or for Surgeon General.
* But you know it's gonna be Dr. Oz.
* Give Obama a break! It took him 90 days to pick a White House dog!
* They can't find anyone that smart who's paid his taxes.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
April 29, 2009
But
It's
So
Cold,
You
Can't
Even
See
Anything!
- If you're going
hiking in the Swiss Alps, keep your pants on. Locals are sick of
nudists, mostly German tourists, coming to their picturesque region and
walking around in nothing but hiking boots and socks. The Germans call
it "a special experience of nature, free and healthy." The government
says locals find it to be "thoroughly disturbing and irritating."
Sunday, residents of the small Swiss state of Appenzell Inner Rhodes
voted overwhelmingly to ban naked hiking. Violators will be charged a
fine of 200 Swiss francs ($176 US).
* Exception: Heidi Klum.
* But they don't have money on them! And if they do, I don't want to
know where!
* The German nudists are so fat, the sound of their stomach rolls
slapping has been known to set off avalanches.
* You know your body is bad when you go hiking naked, and it chafes other people.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Trust Us, This Is Nothing New - The
divorce rate is hovering near 50 percent, and a couple of new ways of
counteracting that have been proposed. Northwestern University
psychologists suggest that the key to marital happiness might be
fooling yourself. They say most people are naturally focused on their
own needs, and studies found couples are happiest when they perceive
their partner as being a "cheering section" who supports their goals
and is devoted to the family. They say couples might be able to get
through the bad times if they can just lie to themselves a little and
project a positive image onto their partners, whether it's absolutely
true or not.
* This is called "The Hillary
Clinton Strategy."
* That's why I call gin "Happy
Marriage Juice."
* It also helps if when the lights
are out, you imagine you're Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
***************************************************************
Monday, April 27, 2009
The
Great
Pretender
- A 23-year-old Bloomington man is in stable
condition after he fell off a bridge into the Minnesota River while
pretending to fall off the bridge. A friend said he'd been drinking, he
stopped to urinate, and he jokingly pretended to fall. The police
report added, "He then, in fact, fell."
* And his friend called after him, "That's VERY good!"
* He must be a Method actor.
* Doctors describe him as "stable," and they're the first people who
ever have.
* It still turned out better than that time he got drunk and pretended
to shoot himself.
***************************************************************
Friday, April 24, 2009
A
judge
rejected
former
Illinois
Gov.
Rod
Blagojevich's
request
to
go
to
Costa
Rica
to
compete
on
NBC's
"I'm
A
Celebrity,
Get
Me
Out
of
Here"...Blagojevich
said,
"Okay, then can I take
over as host on 'Deal or No Deal?'"... The judge found that for him to
call himself a celebrity would be perjury.
***************************************************************
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Fight
For
Your
Right
To
Party - Colin Franklin is on trial in London,
accused of being a "serial groper" and sexually assaulting five women
during a 16-month spree of breast-groping on subway trains. One young
woman claims that when he grabbed her boob, she screamed, "What do you
think you're doing?" and he replied, "It's a free country."
* Sorry, to be that free, you have to move to Italy.
* So operating on the same theory, she kicked him in the nuts.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, April 22, 20009
Ranch
No-Dressing
- Tim Clements of Brookesville, Florida, won $3.3
million in the state lottery in 2004, but he's still being thwarted in
his real dream: to open a nude dude ranch. He wants to turn the ranch
he grew up on into a clothing optional retreat, and he says it's
secluded enough not to offend anyone, but Hernando County is blocking
him with zoning laws and a nudity ban. Clements said if he can't get
the paperwork, he'll close the ranch to everyone but friends. His
website adds that even though the ranch is clothing optional, everyone
"must wear pants and boots to ride the horses."
* Or at least spurs and a riding crop.
* If you don't, you might slide off...Look what keeps happening to
Madonna.
* He practices "safe riding," so no going bareback when you're in the
saddle.
* Maybe if he'd just explain that it's a dude ranch for nudists, it's NOT a "nude dude" ranch.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Why It's
Called "Liquid Courage" -
A University of Leicester study found that
"beer goggles" don't really exist. Researchers asked 240 men and
women in bars to look at photos of women and comment on their age and
attractiveness. Neither drinking nor digitally adding makeup fooled the
men
into thinking the women were younger. And surprisingly, the men rated
all the
women as less attractive the more they drank. So the reality is the
exact
opposite of "beer goggles."
* Booze doesn't ruin men's vision, it just makes them so drunk, they'd
sleep
with anything.
* When they're drunk enough, all women look like pigs to them...But
when
they're drunk enough, they'll do a pig.
* It's just when men get really drunk, women look like they have three
breasts,
and that they've gotta check out.
* Proof that beer goggles don't exist: Susan Boyle sings in a pub, and
she's
still never been kissed.
***************************************************************
Monday, April 20, 2009
The Wall
Street Journal reports that Steven Rattner, the man tapped by Obama to
head his
task force overseeing the reform of the auto industry, is under
scrutiny in an
investigation of an alleged kickback scheme involving the New York
state
pension fund...He was looting pension funds? Now, the UAW union
bosses know
he's a man they can talk to!...Don't think of it as a kickback. He
prefers to
call it a "rebate"...He's coming from New York to Detroit to do
things the Chicago way!
***************************************************************
Friday,
April 17, 2009
I
Outfoxed You, Dude! - An
18-year-old Gainesville, Florida, man was charged with
DUI and damaging property after he drove his Ford Ranger through the
window of
an office at 3:30 a.m. He failed three sobriety tests, but a breath
test found
no alcohol. The arresting officer says the teen told him he wouldn't be
able to
arrest him for DUI because he hadn't been drinking. All he'd been doing
was
smoking marijuana.
* That
explains why he drove through the window at 2 miles an hour.
* He was
looking for Dunkin Donuts' "drive-thru window."
***************************************************************
Thursday, April 16, 2009
California
released a list of highway projects they'll be spending stimulus bill
money on,
and it includes $75 million to repave three miles of rough pavement in
L.A...Technically,
Beverly Hills. They pave the streets with gold there...To be fair, it's
really
rough pavement...$75 million to repave a rough patch? Who's doing the
job,
plastic surgeons?...That seems awfully expensive. Have they considered
hiring
illegal aliens to do it?
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
April
15,
2009
Brown Nosers - The faculty at famously P.C. Brown
University in
Rhode Island, acting on a request from hundreds of students, voted to
remove
Christopher Columbus from Columbus Day. The three-day October holiday
will now
be called "Fall Weekend." Brown Sophomore Reiko Koyama said that
Columbus' mistreatment of Native Americans shows that celebrating him
is inconsistent with Brown's values.
* Brown then announced that it was
returning all its land to the Indians...Ha
ha! Just kidding!
* They could prove it by attending
class that Monday...Naaaaah.
* In fact, celebrating any American
holiday
is
inconsistent
with
Brown
University's
values.
* Yeah, people should stay in the
countries they came from, says Rhode Island's
own Rieko Koyama!
* For similar reasons, Thanksgiving
will now be called "Fall Four-Day
Weekend."
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
April 14, 2009
It's Not
That Easy Bein' Green -
Environmental regulators in Washington state finally
tracked down the source of raw sewage that was pouring into a creek
near
Vancouver lake. It was coming from a pipe that led from the office
building of
the Department of Ecology...their own agency. Someone had mistakenly
connected
the sewer pipe to the storm drain. The environmental agency director
called the
discovery "embarrassing and upsetting."
* If anyone
else had done it, he would've called it "a felony."
* Or to
paraphrase the comic strip, "Pogo": "We have met the enema, and
it is us."
* Luckily,
we're all used to expecting an endless stream of crap from
environmental
regulators.
***************************************************************
Monday,
April 13, 2009
Another
Deadly Gas Assault In Waco -
Waco, Texas, Police say several Houston men were sharing a
motel room when one allegedly passed gas. Another man threw a knife at
him,
cutting his leg, then stabbed him in the chest. The one who allegedly
dealt it
was treated for non-life-threatening wounds, while the one who smelt it
was
charged with aggravated assault.
* The one who
dealt it should have been charged with assault with a silent-but-deadly
weapon.
* How stupid!
If the guy was that full of noxious gas, why poke holes in him?!
* And thus
ended their traveling ministry.
***************************************************************
Friday, April 10, 2009 - Good Friday!
Vegetable
Plate -
Kelly Coffman-Lee of Denver is a vegan, so of course, she wants to
proclaim
that fact to the world. She figured there would be no better way than
with a
vanity license plate declaring, "I love tofu." Now, she's upset
because the Department of Motor Vehicles rejected her request. They say
her
abbreviation, "I LV TOFU," can be misinterpreted to read, "I
Love To F-U."
* Except she's a vegan activist, so that's probably true.
* That's copyright infringement because it's already the slogan of the
Department of Motor Vehicles.
* They should get Bernie Madoff to make that license plate.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
April 9, 2009
Born Again
- The Rev.
William Blasingame, former pastor of St. Paul's Memorial Episcopal
Church on
Staten Island, could face up to 15 years in prison on grand larceny
charges.
He's accused of stealing $84,537 over three years from a fund that was
meant
for church upkeep and helping parishioners in need. Prosecutors say he
spent it
on prescription drugs, plastic surgery and Botox. His attorney claims
the
charges are a "bad mistake" and there's a vendetta against his
client.
* His client just stood by, expressionless.
* The charges are tragic, but you must admit, his mug shots look FANTASTIC.
* He missed his true calling: televangelism.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Former New York
Gov. Elliot Spitzer emerged Monday on the Today Show, where he blamed
his
hiring of high-priced call girls on "gremlins" he has inside him...And
on
credit
cards
he
has
on
him...He
lost
his
virginity
in
a
1972
Gremlin...He
has
this
insatiable
hunger
that
he
can't
help
feeding
after
midnight.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Polly Want
A Crackhead? - Britain's
Daily Mail reports that Courtney Love is throwing a
"hissy fit" because her movers in L.A. threw out what they assumed
was rubbish. It actually a work of art by trendy British artist Polly
Morgan,
and consisted of a dead bird in a matchbox. Morgan specializes in
making art
out of dead animals. Love reportedly paid around $12,000 for it. The
paper
claims she fired her assistant who was supervising the move. Courtney
considered it priceless and irreplaceable.
* Must be the drugs talking.
* Couldn't you dig one up out of the backyard of any family that's ever
owned a
parakeet?
* That's nothing: Polly Morgan moved once, and the movers threw out everything.
* Sounds like Courtney's movers know a lot more about art than she
does.
* Amy Winehouse will send her a dead rat; her house is full of them.
***************************************************************
Monday, April 6, 2009
It's A
Whole Month's Supply! -
Someone stole a tractor-trailer truck loaded with over
2,000 cases of whiskey from a Nashville shipping company. Police report
that
the tractor part has been found abandoned at a truck stop near Niota,
but the
trailer full of whiskey is still missing. There are no suspects.
* Actually, this being Tennessee, there are about 2 million suspects.
* You will know them by the trail of empties.
***************************************************************
Friday, April 3, 2009
That's The
Way The World Turns - Soap
opera
ratings
have
been
on
a
steady
decline
for
years.
Now,
CBS
has
announced
that
it's
canceling
"The
Guiding
Light,"
the
longest-running
show
in
broadcast
history.
The
soap
debuted
as
a
15-minute
radio
show
in
1937,
moved
to
TV
in
1952,
and
has
been
on
the air
continuously
for 72 years.
* That's a lot
of sand through the hour glass.
* It's
the only soap opera sponsored by Viagra.
* It's
been on so long, the viewers are in comas.
* The
script quality started slipping after the writers were replaced by
their evil
twins who work cheaper.
* If CBS
viewers want to follow the petty intrigues of people in their 90s,
they'll have
to watch "60 Minutes."
***************************************************************
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Gamblers
Extremely Anonymous - Two
years ago, Maine's Office of Substance Abuse allocated
$100,000 for a program to treat "problem gamblers," with money taken
from slot machines at a Bangor casino. To this day, not one person has
called
for help. The budget was cut to $50,000, then eliminated. Now, the head
of the
office wants the legislature to reinstate it. He says Maine must have
gambling
addicts somewhere, so the office needs more money for outreach to find
them.
* Has he tried looking, oh, I don't know...by the SLOT MACHINES?!
* So the guy in charge of fighting gambling addiction blew $150,000 and
now he
wants to double down?
* People from Maine aren't addicted to gambling, they're just addicted
to free
drinks.
* Sounds as if people in Maine don't like dropping money down
a hole.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
April 1, 2009 - Happy April Fool's Day!
Card Cheats - The trading card company
Topps is immortalizing Bernie Madoff with his own card. The Wall Street
scammer
will be part of a new card series dedicated to the "world's biggest
hoaxes, hoodwinks and bamboozles." The entire set will include such
scoundrels as D.B. Cooper, Enron and Charles Ponzi, inventor of the
Ponzi
Scheme.
* Use them to build your very own house of cards!
* And Franklin Roosevelt, inventor of Social Security.
* Topps absolutely guarantees they'll become valuable collector's
items.
* Kids, if you can't afford the whole set, get all your friends to give
you one
dollar each and tell them you're investing it for them.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
March 31, 2009
I Saw It On
A "Friends" Rerun - The
wireless service Cricket and Samsung electronics
promoted a new model phone by breaking the Guinness record for world's
largest
cell phone. They built a replica of the new Samsung Messager that's 15
feet
long, 13 feet long and 3 feet deep; and it actually works. It was on
display in
Philadelphia last week, where people were invited to use it to make
calls.
* But only really important calls.
* The best thing about it: it can't fit through a restaurant door.
* You kids know what we used to call a giant mobile phone in the '90s?
"A
mobile phone."
***************************************************************
Monday,
March 30, 2009
Landing On
Your Tail -
The Centers for Disease Control report that your pets might be out to
get you.
They say more than 86,000 serious falls per year are caused by people
tripping
over their dogs or cats. Most cause only minor injuries, and they are
only 1
percent of all falls taken. But CDC officials say elderly people
especially should
improve lighting, remove pet toys from the floor and use obedience
training.
* And never, NEVER let your cat know that he's in your will.
* Obedience training is very important...Just do what your cat wants,
and you
won't get hurt.
* Pets trip their masters because dogs get too excited and cats get
bored and
need a laugh.
* Also, if you're over 70, it's time to stop raising pigs in your
apartment.
***************************************************************
Friday, March 27, 2009
Have A Cow,
Man! - The
Grand Rapids Press reports that the West Michigan White Caps baseball
team, a
Detroit Tigers minor league affiliate, is adding a new item to their
stadium
snack menu. It's a 4,800-calorie hamburger. It costs $20, weighs 4
pounds, and
includes 5 beef patties, 5 cheese slices, a cup of chili, salsa and
corn chips
on an 8-inch sesame seed bun. Vendors will slice it for fans to share,
or if
you eat one by yourself in one sitting, you win a special T-shirt.
* Size XXXXXL...Doubles as a shroud.
* Because they never, never, ever want you to go shirtless.
* If I eat two, do I win two T-shirts?
* It also comes in a Styrofoam box big enough to be buried in.
* You've heard of a Big Mac Attack? This gives you a Big Cardiac
Attack.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
March 26, 2009
Got Any
18-Year-Olds She Can Date? -
Malawi's
Ministry
of
Women
and
Child
Welfare
Development
is
cool
to
Madonna's
plans
to
adopt
another
Malawi
orphan.
An
official
said
that
Madonna
is
divorced;
performing
a
risqué
stage
show;
carrying
on
publicly
with
Brazilian
hunk
Jesus
Luz,
who
is
less
than
half
her
age;
and
was
romantically linked to a married man, Alex Rodriguez. The official said
that
"makes us question her morals," and "we do not want our
children's morals to be corrupted."
* They also don't think it's safe to let children be raised by cougars.
* They figure the kids would be exposed to fewer diseases in a Malawi
orphanage.
* She could always adopt Jesus Luz.
* Until now, nobody's ever questioned Madonna's morals! Why ask
questions when
you know the answer?
***************************************************************
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Max
Bialystock Presents: "More Miserables!" - China Daily reports that
the Shanghai Dramatic Arts Center is producing an all-singing,
all-dancing
stage musical version of Karl Marx's book, Das Kapital. An economics
professor
who's advising the scriptwriters to make sure the communist theory is
correct
said the musical will help ordinary people understand how Marx is
relevant to
today's economic crisis. The Marxist musical is still in the early
stages, but
the producers say they won't rule out any style that might entertain
audiences,
including Vegas or Broadway.
* Both of which China will soon own.
* You'll love the big "Springtime for Mao" number.
* They plan to cast the most attractive people and have them lip-synch
to the
best voices.
* What better way to bankrupt capitalists than to convince them to
invest in a
new Broadway musical?
***************************************************************
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
As Hot
Women Would Say, "Duh!" -
A survey in Britain by OnePoll.com found that 73
percent of men would rather date a beautiful dumb girl than a less
attractive
intelligent woman. Meanwhile, nearly three-quarters of women said
they'd take
the smart guy because he'd be less vain and a better provider. Only one
in 10
women would opt for a handsome man over a smart one because they think
"the
sex would be better."
* Handsome men
will put a mirror up over the bed, then suggest the woman get on top so
they
can look at themselves in it.
* A really
smart guy knows that thanks to plastic surgery, it's easier to make a
smart
girl pretty than to make a pretty girl smart.
* 73 percent
of men believe they deserve a hot girlfriend because 73 percent of men
think
they're above average-looking.
***************************************************************
Monday, March 23, 2009
It Stands
For "D'oh!" - Media
analyst Rich Greenfield reports that the Bank of
America is sponsoring a promotion for customers to see the new movie
"Monsters Vs. Aliens" in 3D instead of 2D, with the bank picking up
the difference in ticket prices. Showbiz blogger Nikki Fink pointed out
that
Americans now know what some of their bailout money is buying.
* One extra "D."
* Know what I want to see? "Monsters & Aliens Vs. Bailed-Out Bank
Executives."
* There's one scene where a giant tax bill flies off the screen and
falls right
in the moviegoers' laps.
***************************************************************
Friday,
March 20, 2009
Not A Jolie
Good Fella - The Star
tabloid claims that John Mayer is thinking of writing a
tell-all book about his recently-ended romance with Jennifer Aniston.
It would
allegedly include details about Aniston's temper tantrums, her
obsessive
exercise regimen, her embarrassing TV viewing habits, her devotion to
astrology
and numerology, and the time she mistakenly called him "Brad" while
they were having sex.
* Actually,
that was every time they had sex.
* Oh, come on!
All women do that!
* So a woman
mistook him for Brad Pitt in bed! Happens to me all the time!
* You'd think
the stars would've warned her not to date him.
***************************************************************
Thursday, March 19, 2009
How To Get Your Business Up - Der Spiegel reports that a brothel in
Berlin is trying to
boost sagging business during the recession with a couple of creative
specials.
For instance, during off-peak hours from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., a flat rate
$90
buys sex plus all the food and drinks a customer can consume. If that's
not
enough, the brothel is now allowing men to bring their wives along to
share in
the paid-sex experience.
* Normally, they'd never agree, but how often do their husbands take
them out
for dinner and drinks?
* The men eat and have sex, while the wives just drink.
* That's crazy! Do the men also bring a sack lunch to the
all-you-can-eat
buffet?!
* Bad idea! NEVER let your wife know you're willing to fork
over money
to have sex!
***************************************************************
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
After Or
Before, It's All Good - A
British tabloid claims Michael Jackson is thrilled that
the "Body Worlds" exhibit will be London when he does his concert
series because he hopes to achieve his goal of overcoming death and
decay for
eternity by having his whole body "plastinated" after he dies.
* That'll be an easy job! He's about 95 percent plastic already!
* So London visitors can either see a freakish-looking cadaver that's
mostly
plastic, or they can see "Body Worlds."
* This is much better than Michael's original preservation idea, which
was to
be frozen inside a giant Popsicle that children the world over would be
invited
to lick.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, March 17, 2009 - Happy St.
Patrick's Day!
Wal-Mart plans
to open its first Hispanic-centered stores in Arizona and Texas...Know
what
people
in
Arizona
and
Texas
call
Wal-Marts
full
of
Hispanics?
"Wal-Mart."
***************************************************************
Monday, March 16, 2009
Might As
Well Drink -
A British doctor is calling for taxing chocolate just like alcohol. Dr.
David
Walker says people can get half their daily recommended calories just
eating
one bag of chocolates while watching a soap opera. He blames chocolate
for
causing obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure and back pain.
* Why not tax soap operas? They cause brain damage.
* He wants a 10 percent chocolate tax, so on a Nestle's
Hundred-Thousand Dollar
Bar, that'd be $10,000.
* Dear Lord, can you imagine how much tax he'd want to put on chocolate
cigarettes?!
***************************************************************
Friday,
March 13, 2009
Forbes reports
that the recession is so bad, there are 332 fewer billionaires in the
world
than last year, and Bill Gates is still the world's richest man, even
though
he's worth $18 billion less than a year ago...If Obama's gonna pay
for all
his spending by soaking the rich, he'd better hurry!... Here's how bad
it is.
The world's second-richest man: M.C. Hammer.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
March 12, 2009
Rapper Coolio
was charged Tuesday with possession of crack cocaine and battery after
officers
at the L.A. airport allegedly found the drug and a crack pipe in his
luggage...To
be fair, it was a THREE HOUR flight...I'm stunned! Stunned to learn
that Coolio
can still afford cocaine!... Wouldn't it be more newsworthy if they
DIDN'T find
crack in a rapper's luggage?
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
March 11, 2009
Where Did
The Stick Go? - The owner
of a Fort Pierce, Florida, Texaco store reports that a man
came in, shoved a Klondike ice cream bar down the back of his pants,
and tried
to leave. He had hidden Ramen noodles and Famous Amos cookies on his
body, too.
The owner confronted him. He says the man pulled the flattened Klondike
bar out
of his pants and offered him $69 for it if he wouldn't call the police.
He did
anyway.
* $69 for ice cream that had been between someone's butt cheeks?
Well,
now we know what this guy would do for a Klondike bar!
* He can always plead insanity...Why else would anyone shoplift Ramen
noodles?
* The police strip-searched him, but they never did find the dill
pickle he
stole.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
March 10, 2009
In Space,
No One Can Smell Your Cologne - The upcoming "Star Trek" movie has an
unusual
merchandising tie-in. Genki Wear is offering three “Star Trek”
fragrances,
including "Tiberius," named after Captain Kirk. Its motto is
"Boldly go," and it's described as smelling fresh and sensual and
being "difficult to define and impossible to confuse."
* Although it
does smell a bit like aged ham.
* Like Captain
Kirk, it is strong, overpowering and lingers on long after you wish it
would go
away.
***************************************************************
Monday,
March 9, 2009
You're Not
Doing This Right -
45-year-old Tracy Davies is on trial in Newcastle, England, after she
allegedly asked her boyfriend for a French kiss, then bit half his
tongue off,
chewed it and spit it out at him. It couldn't be reattached.
Prosecutors say
she was upset at learning she wasn't pregnant. Her boyfriend said she
was being
passive and nice, then suddenly turned into Mike Tyson.
* Well, actually, he said, "Mmph mmmp mmffss mm-nnnnf..."
* He should just be grateful she didn't offer him oral sex.
* It's just as well that some people don't reproduce.
***************************************************************
Friday,
March 6, 2009
Great With
"Hilarious Gas Bomb Beans"
- A Cornell University researcher found thatt kids
eat more vegetables if parents give them cooler, more exciting names.
For
instance, call peas "power peas" or broccoli "dinosaur broccoli
trees." In an experiment, 186 four-year-olds were served carrots for
lunch
that were billed simply as "carrots." Later that week, they were
served carrots billed as "X-ray vision carrots." The second time,
they ate twice as many.
* But the third time, they could see right through this trick.
* "X-ray vision carrots" sounds like a name you'd use to get your
husband to eat carrots.
* It didn't work for "Doesn't Taste Like Ass-paragus."
***************************************************************
Thursday, March 5, 2009
A Los Angeles
fertility clinic claims it can let parents pick not only their babies'
sex, but
their physical traits right down to hair and eye color. They say they
already
have half a dozen inquiries and expect the first "designer baby" to
be born by next year...Actually, Suri Cruise is already here...It's
unnatural to change everything about a baby's looks before it's born!
There are
plenty of L.A. clinics who can do that after it's born!
***************************************************************
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
A giant global
warming protest in Washington was nearly canceled Monday due to the
blizzard-like snow conditions. Nancy Pelosi had to cancel her speech
after her
flight was delayed due to snow...Also, her face was frozen, but that
had
nothing to do with the weather...There was so much snow, it filled in
everyone's carbon footprints...They knew they should've held their
protest of
warming in Miami.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Deal Or
No Deal -
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown plans to meet with President Obama
tomorrow, where Brown will reportedly promote the idea of a "Global New
Deal." It would call for stimulating the world economy by having
multiple
nations spend tremendous amounts of money on a worldwide scale.
* And this would be different from what we're already doing, how?...
* This sounds just like the Global Old Deal: China loans us money, and
we
squander it.
* If we're going back to old solutions for ending a depression, why
don't we
just bomb Germany again?
***************************************************************
Monday, March 2, 2009
An orangutan
named Bonnie at the National Zoo in D.C. astounded researchers by
teaching
herself to whistle. They say this could lead to significant new
discoveries of
how human speech evolved...But parrots said they're not impressed,
and then
whistled the theme to the Andy Griffith Show...Speech evolved so that
humans
could tell the apes, "Will you knock off that whistling?! I'm tryin' to
work!"
***************************************************************
Friday,
February 27, 2009
That's
Really Stretching It -
Vivid Video is tossing octuplet mom Nadya Suleman a
lifeline. The adult entertainment company offered Suleman a $1 million
contract
and free medical and dental insurance for her and her kids if she'll
star in
multiple porn videos.
* She's already proved she doesn't mind having eight people inside her
at once.
* To her, the term "gang bang" means "giving birth."
* They've even got a title: "Octopussy."
* During her nude scenes, they'll have someone standing behind her,
pulling her
skin tight.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
February 26, 2009
The day after
the Oscars, the Indian street children who appeared in "Slumdog
Millionaire" were taken to Disneyland...It was a big thrill for them
to
go in the Disney gift shops and see all the stuff they made.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
February 25, 2009
The recession
must really be hurting Americans: the Girl Scouts report that cookie
sales are
currently lagging about 19 percent below this point last year...A
lot of
Americans can't buy as many Girl Scout Cookies as usual because they
can't get
a bank loan…I always assumed Girl Scout Cookies were recession-proof,
like
heroin.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
A Japanese
restaurant in New York released a 140-year-old lobster back into the
Atlantic
Ocean, sparing it from the pot of boiling water...Which means the
seal had
to eat it raw...At his age, the boiling water would've felt good on his
joints.
***************************************************************
Monday, February 23, 2009
He Faked
The Wiring? -
In Reno, Nevada, appliance store owner Darin Jerome French was found
guilty of
36 counts of wire fraud for filing fake warranty repair claims with the
Maytag
Corporation. He was a Maytag repairman who claimed to get a lot of
repair calls
that he didn't really get.
* Don't the Maytag people know that Maytag repairmen NEVER work?
* He pleaded insanity caused by extreme loneliness.
* Maytag repairmen are so lonely, he needed the extra money for
hookers.
***************************************************************
Friday,
February 20, 2009
We Quail At
The Thought -
A bird watchers' club in the Philippines was ecstatic when a
documentary crew
filmed a live Worcester's buttonquail, a bird thought to have been
extinct for
decades. But they were immediately saddened to learn it was video of
local
hunters carrying the bird off to cook it. One said, "What if this was
the
last of its species?"
* Then the
hunters will go hungry, and it'll serve 'em right.
* They thought
it was extremely rare, but it turned out to be medium rare.
*
Unfortunately, the hunters are part of a bird-tasters' club.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
February 19, 2009
Thousands of
children contributed to an e-book called "Dear Mr. President," in
which they shared their hopes and expectation for Barack Obama. One
said he
hopes Obama will make it rain candy...That had to be Keith
Olbermann's
kid...He can't, he's too busy making it rain money...Someone needs to
explain
to that kid that only Oprah can do that.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
February 18, 2009
The L.A. Times
reports that after the government promised for four years that digital
TV would
be a big improvement, some people in fringe areas who bought digital TV
converter boxes still lost stations or say they're getting even fuzzier
reception than before. One woman told the paper that it sure
doesn't seem
like an improvement to her…So someone from the government promised
everyone
a big improvement for four years, and then things got worse? I think
that's
called "a presidential election campaign."
***************************************************************
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Hate Is
Enough - The
Killeen Furtney Group, the public relations agency representing
octuplet mom
Nadya Suleman, has severed ties with her after receiving over 100 death
threats. After word got out that Suleman was a single mom on government
benefits who had 14 in-vitro kids, the agency head started notes
threatening to
put her in a wood chipper or drop her on the bottom of the ocean.
* To be fair, a lot of people feel that should be done to all P.R.
agents.
* Just don't drop the octomom on the bottom of the ocean! She'll spawn,
like an
octopus!
* After dealing with her, the P.R. agency needs a P.R. agency.
***************************************************************
Monday, February 16, 2009
Madame
Butterball
- High culture is not what it used to be. Fiirst, there was an opera
based on
the Jerry Springer Show. Now, Britain's Royal Opera House has shocked
its
straitlaced followers by announcing plans to develop an opera based on
the life
of Anna Nicole Smith. A spokesman insisted, "It is not going to be
tawdry;
it is going to be witty, clever, thoughtful and sad."
* Wait a minute; I thought it was going to be about Anna Nicole Smith!
* They're insane! No soprano could sing in clothes that tight!
* This is the only opera that will be over the minute the fat lady starts
to
sing.
* This story has everything you need for an opera: a fat lady, two
tragic
deaths, and a lot of incoherent screeching.
***************************************************************
Friday, February 13, 2009
The U.S. Post
Office announced that the price of a first class stamp will rise from
42 to 44
cents on May 11... You should buy those "forever" stamps. They're
good as long as the post office remains in business, which might also
mean May
11.
***************************************************************
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Let Him
Guard Social Security -
Colonel Sanders' original handwritten recipe for Kentucky
Fried Chicken was returned to a new high-security vault at corporate
headquarters in Louisville, five months after it was put into hiding
during
renovations. It was transported in a lockbox handcuffed to security
consultant
Bo Dietl's wrist.
* He also had Jack Bauer standing by with a SWAT team, just in case
Kirstie
Alley showed up.
* Al Gore suggested the lockbox, but they were smart enough not to
handcuff the
KFC recipe to him.
* The new vault should keep it safe from thieves and from attacks by
squads of
commando chickens.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
A mountain
climber who slid down a 370-foot incline in North Wales was rescued
after a
helicopter crew spotted his cigarette lighter in the dark from eight
miles
away...Proving once again: "Smoking saves lives!"
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
February 10, 2009
The
Drumbeat Of Recession -
The recession is so bad, it's even causing Blue Men to be
laid off. The home base for the show in Chicago has staged up to three
shows a
day for 10 years and normally employs eight rotating Blue Men. But they
have
now reduced the number of shows and cut the roster of fulltime
tube-drumming,
paint-throwing, marshmallow gobblers down to three, with a couple of
fill-in
part-timers.
* They're now
alone, out of work, and feeling extra blue.
* Recessions
are always harder on people of color.
* The Blue Men
are trying to find other work, but they lack interviewing skills.
* All they can
do is bang on pipes, slop paint around, and gobble marshmallows...Maybe
they
could become Teamsters.
***************************************************************
Monday,
February 9, 2009
We Learned
It Didn't Die Of Constipation - PhD student Daniel Bennett is suing
Leeds University for
throwing away his collection of lizard poop. Bennett spent seven years
in
remote areas of the Philippines, collecting samples of excrement from
the rare
Butaan lizard, once thought to be extinct. Then one day, he came in to
find
school technicians needed space, so they'd tossed out his 75 pounds of
lizard crap.
A Leeds spokesman called it an "unfortunate mistake," but insisted
"lessons had been learned."
* After seven years of study, they learned that the Butaan lizard eats
corn.
* Thank God, he had plenty more lizard crap under his bed at home.
* When they saw the giant pile of crap, they should've known it was for
a PhD
thesis.
***************************************************************
Friday,
February 6, 2009
Faye
Had A Foggy Mountain Breakdown - E! News reports that Faye Dunaway was
upset to learn that
Hollywood is planning a remake of her iconic film, "Bonnie &
Clyde," with Hillary Duff in her role of Bonnie. Dunaway said,
"Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?" Taking a break from
filming a guest shot on "Ghost Whisperer," Duff sniped back that her
fans who'll see her movie "don't even know who (Faye Dunaway) is."
* Her fans
don't even know who Bonnie and Clyde were.
* It's obvious
that her fans have never seen any Oscar-winning actress.
* Besides,
this "Bonnie & Clyde" is completely different...It's a musical.
* With the
Hillary Duff version, audiences will watch Bonnie and Clyde being shot
to death
and wish it were them.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
February 5, 2009
It was
announced that as of Monday, 90,000 sex offenders have been kicked off
of
MySpace...And now, on to names beginning with "B"!
***************************************************************
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The California
woman who gave birth to octuplets has already signed with an agent...The
tough
part:
figuring
out
how
to
give
the
agent
10
percent
of
8
kids.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
February 3, 2009
He Loves
The Bong Water - Olympic
swimming champion Michael Phelps apologized for his "bad
judgment" after Britain's News Of The World ran a photo of him smoking
a
bong at a party. Phelps has scads of endorsement deals, and so far, his
sponsors are all standing by him.
* Including his newest, Little Debbie.
* Well, General Mills did drop him off the Wheaties box, but they're
putting
his face on Count Chocula.
* In his defense, smoking pot is the only way he can eat 33,000
calories a day.
***************************************************************
Monday, February 2, 2009
Trouble
Down Under?
- News.com.au reports that 28-year-old Austrralian Jordan Eisenberg was
talking
to friends about how they had to walk on eggshells when their wives or
girlfriends had PMS. That gave him the idea for PMSBuddy.com. It keeps
track of
your partner's cycle and sends out e-mail reminders on a terror alert
style
scale. After just nine months, PMSBuddy.com has 100,000 subscribers.
Eisenberg
says most women find it funny or helpful, although some get upset that
their
suffering is being tracked.
* But they get over it in 5 to 7 days.
* They express that by running over your laptop with the car 15 or 20
times.
* Women don't suffer from PMS...Women endure PMS, men suffer
from it.
***************************************************************
Friday, January 30, 2009
Our Food Is
A Hit - A
man in Palm Coast, Florida, claims he complained that his calzone order
was
incorrect at a pizzeria, and the owner pistol-whipped him with a gun
butt, then
jumped over the counter and beat him and his friend. The owner of
Goomba's
Pizzeria was arrested and released on bail…His godfather bailed him
out…His
lawyer insists he's not a bad guy, he's actually a good fella…To be
honest, he
should've known that badmouthing the calzone at a place called
"Goomba's" probably wasn't the smartest idea.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
January 29, 2009
I Been
Through The Desert On A Cow With No Name - A study by Britain's Newcastle University
found that
cows who are given names produce up to 454 more pints per milk than
cows with
no names. A spokesman said it shows that like people, cows "respond
better
to the personal touch" and "feel happier and more relaxed if they are
given a bit more one-to-one attention."
* They're also
tastier.
* They also
really like Barry White music...Don't ask how he knows.
* That sounds
more like the spokesman for the League of Perverted Farmers.
* However,
cows do hate it when you call them "Bossy."
***************************************************************
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Illinois Gov.
Rod Blagojevich claims that he considered offering Barack Obama's
vacant Senate
seat to Oprah Winfrey. Asked to comment, Oprah said she thinks she
could be a
Senator, but "I'm just not interested"...Why give up all her power
just to be a Senator?...Of course, he considered offering it to Oprah.
Who has
more money than Oprah?...It wasn't good enough for her, so she
suggested he
give it to her friend, Gail...She should try it. If she likes it, she
could buy
Senate seats for everyone in her studio audience.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
January 27, 2009
The Sun UK
tabloid reports that Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus are both in the
running to
star in a movie version of a hit novel based on the Snow White story...Let's
see:
Snow
White
goes
into
a
coma
after
she
ingests
a
weird
potion.
That
sounds
more
like
Lindsay...It's
an
updated
version
where
the
7
Dwarfs
run
a
rehab
clinic...If
it's
a
hit,
they'll
put
Paris
Hilton
into
an
update
of
"Rumplestiltskin"
called
"Wrinkled
Foreskin."
***************************************************************
Monday,
January 26, 2009
This Will
Dog Him For Life - Paul
Wood of Palmyra, New York, was arrested after he allegedly got
angry during a domestic dispute with his wife, picked up the family
cat, and
hurled it at her. The cat, which still has its claws, struck her on the
back.
Neither the cat nor the wife was injured. But Wood was charged with
criminal
mischief, harassment and cruelty to animals.
* But at least he proved he's not pussy-whipped.
* She's lucky he didn't toss a pair of boxers in her face.
* Then it turned really ugly, when he tried to make her kiss his
cockapoo.
***************************************************************
Friday,
January 23, 2009
Razing
Eyebrows -
72-year-old Si Burgher of Bloomfield, Indiana, went his whole life
without ever
trimming his eyebrows. They were so bushy, some of the hairs were over
three
inches long. So to raise money for charity that fights polio, the
Rotary Club
sold chances to trim his brows for $100 a snip. The club raised $1600,
with
Burgher's wife Amy getting the first whack. Burgher says he doesn't
care if
they never grow back because his wife says he looks 20 years younger.
*
Unfortunately, he can now see his wife, and she looks 20 years older.
* It was $100
if you used scissors, or $200 if you used a weed whacker.
* Imagine how
many millions Andy Rooney could raise for charity.
* Next, they
hope to use his ear hair to eradicate malaria.
* How come
this guy's a hero, but when I offered to let people trim my nose hair
for $100
a snip, there were no takers?
***************************************************************
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Oprah's New
Favorite Thing - Oprah
Winfrey's made no secret of her horrific past, but she didn't
need this. The National Enquirer reports that her ex-boyfriend,
Randolph Cook,
has written a tell-all book called "The Wizard of O: My Life with
Oprah." In it, he claims that during their "passionate six-month
romance" in 1984, she taught him how to smoke crack cocaine, and she
even
freebased crack while she was taping her show.
* It's hard to imagine Oprah smoking crack...although it would explain
why she
believes in "The Secret," Deepak Chopra, phony memoirs, and Dr.
Phil's medical credentials.
* That's what men in her audience do before their wives drag them into
the
studio.
* If she liked crack that much, wouldn't she have given some to
everyone in her
studio audience?
* Now, she just gets high on Obama.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
January 21, 2009
A study by the
Karolinska Institute in Stockholm, Sweden, found that people who are
socially
active and who remain calm and mellow instead of flying off the handle
are less
likely to develop Alzheimer's disease...The good news: if you're an
angry
loner, you'll probably die before you're old enough to get it... Plus,
if you
can't stand being around people, you don't need to remember their names
anyway.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
January 20, 2009
Pamela
Anderson is urging authorities in Mumbai, India, to sterilize stray
dogs rather
than killing them. She wrote a letter informing them, "Dogs cannot use
condoms"... I don't even want to know how Pamela learned that bit of
trivia.
***************************************************************
Monday, January 19, 2009 - Happy MLK Day!
ARG, owner of
the Black Angus Steakhouse chain, filed for bankruptcy protection
because
Americans can't afford to eat steaks anymore...That's it, we HAVE to
give
bankers more bailout money!...To adapt to the current economy, the
restaurant
will be renamed the Black Angus Salisbury Steakhouse.
***************************************************************
Friday, January 16, 2009
Authorities in
Clearwater, Florida, are trying to capture an escaped rhesus monkey who
flings
feces at people...They'll either put him in a zoo or give him his
own show
on MSNBC.
***************************************************************
Thursday, January 15, 2009
None Have
Bigger Nipples Than Simon
- The producers of "American Idol" are suingg the
Palazio Men's Club in Austin, Texas, over their weekly "Stripper
Idol" contest. They say the public might be confused into thinking the
show sponsors the event, in which contestants dance topless for 60
seconds and
are ranked by the audience to win a $500 prize.
* How could the public be confused? One is for talentless
exhibitionists who
are willing to embarrass themselves in public for money, and the other
is a
stripper contest.
* There was already a show that crossed "American Idol" with a
stripper contest...It was called "The Search for the Next Pussycat
Doll."
* This shouldn't affect their competition for girls with PMS, the
"Stripper Midol" contest.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Check
All The Vans Down By The River - Police in Palm Beach, Florida, are
searching for a man who
has unsuccessfully tried to steal two different ATMs over the past two
weeks.
He's described as a heavyset man with a visible pot belly, wearing a
ninja
costume that shows only his eyes.
* They've taken in Steven Seagal for questioning.
* Police suspect Zombie Chris Farley.
* He's not a ninja; he just wears black from head to toe because it's
slimming.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
January 13, 2009
Tough Love - The Daily Telegraph
reports that 84-year-old Luba Relic of Sydney, Australia, had so many
driving
infractions until she finally had her license revoked until the year
2999. But
she kept driving without a license and crashed her Honda Civic in a
parking
lot. The court extended her suspension by one year. She's now
banned from
driving until 3000.
* Finally, the
authorities are getting serious!
* If she drives
before then, that's the third strike, and she'll be banned permanently.
* The first
thing she'll do when she gets her license back is start up the car and
run over
a Morlock.
***************************************************************
Monday, January 12, 2009
Hope He's
Not Dyslexic - Jason
Momoa of "Stargate: Atlantis" and Lisa Bonet have
actually outdone other celebs to create the most ridiculous celebrity
baby name
ever. Their baby son born last month was named "Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo
Namakaeha Momoa" He was born on a rainy night, so that supposedly is
Hawaiian for "Warrior Wolf Strength Rain Dark."
* They would've just named him that, but it didn't sound goofy enough.
* I thought it was Hawaiian for "Someday I'm Going To Murder My
Parents."
***************************************************************
Friday,
January 9, 2009
Missouri
college student Cary Silverman has launched a website,
www.pub-corn.com, to
sell his invention: popcorn flavored to taste like beer, pina coladas
or
Bailey's Irish cream... His motto: "Take what you love and make it
your
career"...He got the idea after a frat party, while picking popcorn
kernels out of dirty glasses...He decided that just pouring butter over
it was
too healthy.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
January 8, 2009
Must...Have...Braaaaaaains!
-
Scientists in London held a press conference Tuesday to urge people to
donate
their brains to science. They say that research into diseases such as
autism
and Alzheimer's is being held up by a lack of brain donors.
* Just from
watching MTV, I assumed that a whole lot of people had already donated
their
brains to science.
* Every time
someone decides to donate his brain, his friends say, "Have you lost
your
mind?!"
* Come on,
Einstein did it! Compared to him, it's like you're giving away nothing!
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
January 7, 2009
Singer
Christopher Sands of Nottingham, England, had to stop performing with
his rock
band and live on disability because he's been hiccupping as often as
every two
seconds for the past 22 months and can't stop...I have four words
for him:
"Buddy Holly Cover Band."
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
January 6, 2009
Kristin Davis,
the madam who provided $1,000-an-hour call girls to former New York
Gov. Elliot
Spitzer, says she gets inquiries from Playboy centerfolds all the time,
but
rejects 4 out of 5. She says men don't like Playmates because they look
“too
California” and their breasts are too big and fake.
* And men HATE that!
* And their tans rub off.
* But they are willing to have sex with creepy old men for money...Just
ask
Hugh Hefner.
***************************************************************
Monday - January 5, 2009
In
Chicago, an assistant high school principal and an actor from the Blue
Man
Group were charged with public indecency for allegedly engaging in a
sex act in
a lakefront park...Their excuse: a bad case of blue balls...This
gives a
whole new meaning to the phrase, "Blew Men"...It was rough sex, too:
the Blue Man is now a Black and Blue Man.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
They Start
Out As Dogs, So It's Not A Big Change - The Hollywood Reporter says that Fox TV
is
developing a dramedy that crosses "Sex & The City" with horror.
It's about a quartet of female friends in New York who are also
werewolves. It
will be called "Bitches."
* It's like Carrie and her friends, minus the waxing.
* Just like in "Sex & The City," their claws come out once a
month.
* Three of them turn into wolves, but the narrator looks more like a
horse.
* This is totally different from "Sex & The City"...The cast of
that show turned into cougars.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
December 23, 2008
Try Putting
Some Ketchup On It - AFP
reports that customs inspectors in Italy seized 88 pounds
of smuggled beluga caviar valued at $557,000 (US). A sample will be
kept as
evidence, and the rest given to charities to distribute to the poor.
But the
charities didn't seem very grateful. One priest said, "All donations
are
accepted; however, we must remember that the poor are in need of rights
and
dignity, more so than luxury products."
* So the
priests ate all the caviar.
* He’s wrong,
caviar should be distributed to the poor and starving...Hell, I'd have
to be
starving before I'd eat it.
* The poor
themselves replied, "We appreciate the thought, but this jelly tastes
like
fish."
***************************************************************
Monday, December 22, 2008
And It's
Not Michael Jordan's -
First, Burger King brought out a cologne that smells like
grilled meat. Now, the Daily Telegraph reports that a company called
Sports
Interactive is marketing "Scent of Success," a cologne that smells
like a men's locker room. It's a blend of grass, boot leather, heat
spray and
sweat. The maker says they collected samples from a number of
successful teams'
dressing rooms to create it.
* They also
have one that smells like the Detroit Lions' locker room...It's called
"Scent of Suck."
* It has a
hint of Ben Gay, and it's the perfect cologne for a guy named Ben who's
gay.
* What's the
point? Grilled meat and sweaty locker rooms are what men smell like
when they DON'T
wear cologne.
***************************************************************
Friday, December 19, 2008
Don't Make
A Federal Case Out Of It -
A former Chicago lawyer-turned-government informant told
ABC that he warned the feds years ago that now-Illinois Gov. Rod
Blagojevich
used to be a bookie who paid off the mob to let him operate, and if he
got into
power, he'd be selling offices left and right. But nothing came of the
warning.
* Blagojevich says he would've given you 10-to-1 that nothing would.
* The feds decided that the word of a mob-connected bookie was better
than the
word of a Chicago lawyer.
* So he’s not only a lying, foul-mouthed crook, he’s also a former
mob-connected bookie? No wonder the Illinois Supreme Court refused to
say he's
not qualified for his office!
***************************************************************
Thursday,
December 18, 2008
ACTUAL
HEADLINE OF THE DAY! From
NewsMax.com: "Obama: I Probed Myself and I'm
Clean"...So he's not only a messiah, he's a proctologist...Joe Biden
confirmed that Obama is both clean and articulate.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
New York's
Gov. David Paterson wants to put taxes on 88 new items, including an 18
percent
"obesity tax" on non-diet drinks. For instance, while a Diet Coke
might cost $1, a regular Coke of the same size would cost $1.18...Or
in a
New York restaurant, a Diet Coke will be $10 and a regular Coke
$11.80...If
products that help people lose weight should be taxed less, shouldn't
he cut
the cigarette tax?...If I ever do buy the world a Coke, I'm skipping
New York.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
They Do
Cause Love Sickness - A
court in Hessen, Germany, has officially ruled that
having big breasts is not an illness. The case was brought by a woman
whose
doctors advised her to have her breasts reduced to relieve back pain.
But the
court found that big boobs are not a medical problem, so insurance
companies
don't have to pay for surgery to have them reduced.
* However, they do have to pay for the whiplash and popped eyes among
men, so
it might be cost-effective.
* She needed a female judge...No man can grasp the concept of breasts
being too
big.
* They still have to pay for her back surgery, but at least that
doesn't involve
making any boobs smaller.
***************************************************************
Monday,
December 15, 2008
Illinois Gov.
Rod Blagojevich is refusing to resign, but he'd better not rely on the
public
for support: a new state poll shows his approval rating is down to 8
percent...Question:
Who ARE these people who approve?!...Even his hair style gets a higher
approval
rating than that!... Proving that 8 percent of Illinois residents have
paid him
off to get a cushy job.
***************************************************************
Friday, December 12, 2008
Gay rights
activists are angry at Italian state TV for airing the movie "Brokeback
Mountain" with all the gay sex and kissing edited out...They had to
do
that to fit it into a 15-minute timeslot... Audiences assumed they kept
going
back to that mountain to have sex with the sheep.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
December 11, 2008
Insanity
Claus – In
possibly the dumbest “War on Christmas” story yet, Amazon.com recently
launched
a promotion called "12 Days of Holiday." After a wave of mocking from
bloggers, it was quietly switched to "12 Days of Christmas."
* If they really want to boost sales, call it "The 365 Days of
Christmas."
* "On the first day of Holiday, my true love gave to me, a generic bird
in
a plastic tree..."
***************************************************************
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
An Auckland,
New Zealand, man won a $4.2 million lottery after he rushed up and
bought a
ticket at the last second because his wife had nagged him to do it all
week...At
last, he can afford that divorce!
***************************************************************
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Miss
Saigon? No, He Doesn’t! -
Saturday in New Orleans, Anh “Joseph” Cao became the
first Vietnamese-American Congressman after he defeated nine-term
incumbent
William Jefferson, who is embroiled in an FBI investigation of $100,000
in
bribe money allegedly found in his freezer.
* Jefferson should've argued that these days, keeping your money in
your
freezer is a pretty smart idea.
* Jefferson couldn't run as strong a campaign as he wanted because all
his
assets were frozen.
* He started a rumor that Cao had cat meat in his freezer, but even
that was an
improvement.
***************************************************************
Monday, December 8, 2008
The Body Shop,
a landmark West Hollywood strip club frequented by Motley Crue, shut
down after
it was heavily damaged by fire early Thursday morning...The fire
rendered
dozens of losers homeless...The fire was started by friction when a
pair of
flint-hard breasts rubbed against a copper pole.
***************************************************************
Friday, December 5, 2008
A poll of over
1,000 British 13-to-17-year-olds by a teen pregnancy prevention group
found
that 34 percent were more likely to have sex over Christmas because
they feel
under increased pressure to do it at this time of year...Damn
mistletoe!...Girls,
just because you keep hearing, "Ho, ho, ho," that doesn't mean you
have to act like one.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
December 4, 2008
Stove Top Stuffing is trying a new
advertising gimmick:
they're installing heating in 10 freezing Chicago-area bus stops in
exchange
for putting up posters for Stove Top Stuffing that say it "warms up
families with hot, delicious meals"...Do you really want people to
associate your food product with a Chicago bus stop?...It's very
appropriate
because the bus stops are covered with a warm substance that comes out
of a
bird...It helps you think about being home for dinner, instead of in a
bus stop
crammed with homeless people.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
A right-wing
Italian party is offering parents nearly $2,000 to name their babies
after
Benito Mussolini, because his name is at risk of dying out..."Benito
Mussolini" doesn't seem like an appropriate name for a baby, but when
he
reaches the age of two, it'll be perfect.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
There is
finally a real "WKRP In Cincinnati." To promote its new digital
signal, the low-power TV station WBQC has changed its call letters to
WKRP, to
cash in on the fame of the sitcom...They launched the name change
with a
Thanksgiving turkey giveaway that injured 35 people... Advertisers will
come in
just to see Jennifer the receptionist and discover she's a 200-pound
Mexican
woman.
***************************************************************
Monday, December 1, 2008
Last
Wednesday, President Bush pardoned his last national Thanksgiving
turkeys…Although
if history teaches us anything, these won't be the last turkeys that
Bush
pardons before leaving office.
***************************************************************
Friday,
November 28, 2008
The Bonus
Brothers -
Barack Obama told Barbara Walters that top CEOs should make sacrifices
to show
they recognize common people are going through hard times. He said if
they're
already worth tens of millions of dollars and are having to lay off
workers,
the least they can do is forgo their fat Christmas bonuses this year.
* Oh, they can
do MUCH less than that.
* But they
deserve those bonuses! Even in this lousy economy, they still managed
to bring
in billions of dollars in bailout money!
* Man, he
really does believe in the power of hope!
* Just wondering:
does Barbara Walters do that when ABC is laying people off?
***************************************************************
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Turns Out
That's Impossible -
General Motors is so hard up for money and desperate to cut costs,
they announced Monday that they are ending their nine-year endorsement
deal
with Tiger Woods. They've had him doing Buick ads for years, to try to
give
Buicks a younger, hipper image.
* Take a guess how well that worked out.
* He just helped sell Buicks to golfers, and that's who was buying them
already.
* They need a cheaper celebrity athlete spokesperson, so they're trying
to hire
one of those Chinese Olympic gymnasts...They're Chinese, female and 13
years
old, so maybe they'll work for 10 cents an hour.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Let Me Be
Your Teddy Bear - A
20-year-old college student in Southern China was rushed to a
hospital after he tried to hug a panda. He scaled a fence at a zoo in
Guilin to
hug a panda named Yang Yang, and the bear bit him in the arms and legs
before
park officials could drag him to safety. At the hospital, he explained,
"Yang Yang was so cute, and I just wanted to cuddle him. I didn't
expect
he would attack."
* Obviously, he didn't see "Kung Fu Panda."
* To make it clear, the zoo has changed Yang Yang's name to "Fang
Fang."
* Further proof that no matter how stupid you are, you can still get
into
college.
***************************************************************
Monday,
November 24, 2008
Smooth
Operator -
A 29-year-old German banker who got bored with finance created a few
fake
diplomas for himself on his computer, including a medical degree from
Oxford,
and got a position as a trainee doctor at the Erlangen University
clinic in
Bavaria. He participated in 190 operations before he was exposed and
sent to
jail for three years. A clinic spokesman said they never would've
noticed he
had no medical training if they hadn't gotten an anonymous tip.
* From a Great
Dane and a pothead, pretending to be detectives.
* One possible
explanation: all the other doctors at that clinic are fakes, too.
* They
should've let him keep operating...An untrained surgeon couldn't
possibly do
more damage than a banker.
***************************************************************
Friday, November 21
He Took His Ball And Went To Poland - In World War II, Allied soldiers used to
sing songs
mocking Hitler for having only one testicle. Now, after all these
years, the
rumor has been proven true. A document from the 1960s has surfaced, in
which a
priest wrote down a confession from a former German army medic. He'd
kept the
secret all his life that during World War I, Hitler lost a testicle in
the
Battle of the Somme, and the medic treated him and saw it with his own
eyes. He
also recalled that medics called Hitler "The Screamer" because he was
"very noisy" and was screaming, "Help, help!"
* And blaming it on the Jews.
* To be fair, that's the only time in his life that Hitler had a good
reason
for screaming.
* I hope it didn't make him feel cranky and like he had to prove
something.
* First Hitler, then Lance Armstrong...It proves you only need one
testicle to
defeat France.
***************************************************************
Thursday, November 20, 2008
High seas
pirates are getting so bold, they just made the biggest theft in the
history of
piracy, seizing a Saudi supertanker carrying 2 million barrels of oil...I
thought
the
biggest
theft
in
the
history
of
piracy
was
getting
so
many
people
to
pay
to
see
"Pirates
of
the
Caribbean
3"...Their
motto:
"Steal,
baby,
steal!"...The
pirates
are
disappointed:
they
heard
the
ship
was
loaded
with
black
gold.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
A Miami
company is offering to take samples of people's cremated ashes, put
them in
small capsules, and shoot them into the moon...Great, you can spend
eternity
as a suppository.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
November 18, 2008
Justin
Timberlake is being sued by a former kitchen worker on behalf of 50
employees
of his Manhattan barbecue restaurant, who claim management didn't pay
minimum
wage or overtime and stole their tips...And made them learn
ridiculous
choreography...First Justin brought sexy back, now he's bringing
sweatshops
back.
***************************************************************
Monday, November 17, 2008
In an
interview Wednesday, Kanye West described himself as the Michael Jordan
of
music and said, "I realize that my place and position in history is
that I
will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade"...Wow,
this must be a generation of insufferable egomaniacs!...He's wrong: Al
Franken
will steal enough votes to get into the Senate, then make it "The Al
Franken Decade."
***************************************************************
Friday,
November 14, 2008
Wine
Cushions Any Fall -
Ludmilla Vasko of Uzhgorod, Ukraine, fell from her 9th floor apartment
balcony and plummeted 100 feet. But she landed in a giant vat of grapes
that
had just been harvested from nearby wine vineyards. Police said when
they
arrived, she was sitting in a vat of squashed grapes in shock, but
aside from
that, she was fine. They added that she saved the winemakers some work
because
she crushed most of the grapes by landing on them.
* But would anyone drink the wine if they knew what part of her landed
on them?
* Plus, they could sell tickets if she'd like to try it again.
* Ironically, just before falling, she'd put a large vat of wine inside
herself.
* The wine will be sold under the name "Chateau Geronimo."
* She's glad now that she didn't take that apartment next to the
pineapple
farm.
***************************************************************
Thursday, November 13, 2008
The Las Vegas
Sun reports that a top Nevada gambling regulator wants the state
legislature to
help boost sagging revenues during the economic slump by lowering the
minimum
gambling age from 21 to 18...The economy is really bad: better make
it
8...If they really want to make money, lower the age for visiting the
brothels
to 16... I'm sure they'll gamble responsibly, considering they can't
even be
trusted to wear condoms.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The artistic
director of New York's City Opera has quit due to budgetary
constraints, which
means the opera version of "Brokeback Mountain" he commissioned may
never make it to the stage...Just as well: most theatre fans
wouldn't have
found it "gay enough"...This opera would never end because the fat
lady has nothing to sing about...Some people bought tickets to "The
Magic
Flute," thinking it was the "Brokeback Mountain" opera.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, November 11, 2008 - Veterans' Day
Scientists
with the Census of Marine Life project believe they've discovered why
great
white sharks travel long distances to an isolated spot in the Pacific:
it's the
shark version of a singles bar, where females hang out, looking for
males...And
the male sharks come because they smell fresh meat...Just like any
singles bar,
the most popular females are all nicknamed "Jaws"...It's a typical
singles bar: the females are all cold-blooded maneaters, and the males
all have
brains the size of a peanut.
***************************************************************
Monday, November 10, 2008
You'll Put
Your Eye Out! - Thursday,
the National Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, New York,
inducted three new honorees: the baby doll, the skateboard and...the
stick. The
curators say the stick is an all-purpose toy: no cost, all natural, and
by
applying a little imagination, it can be anything from a magic wand to
a
knight's sword.
* But not Harry Potter's wand or a "Star Wars" light saber, unless
you want to be sued.
* Thanks to the stock market meltdown, it's also the most popular
Christmas toy
of 2008.
* When I was a kid, I was so poor, my Christmas gift was the box the
stick came
in.
***************************************************************
Friday,
November 7, 2008
Barack Obama's
relatives in Kenya celebrated his election with a feast that involved
the
slaughter of a goat named John, chosen for his extra-large testicles,
considered a sign of quality breeding...Also, it seemed to symbolize
his
victory to devour an old goat named John who had a lot of
balls...Remind me to
decline any invitations to White House State Dinners.
***************************************************************
Thursday, November 6, 2008
They
Live On Smoked Meat - The
New York University School of Medicine and Bellevue
Hospital analyzed 8,817 households with children under 18 from 1999 to
2002 in
a study of "food insecurity," or the "inability to access enough
food in a socially acceptable way for every day of the year." They
found
that kids and adults who live with adult smokers are more likely to go
hungry.
* It's so
smoky, they can't find the refrigerator.
* Thank God,
all the secondhand smoking kills their appetites.
* To punish
the smokers for this, politicians plan to make cigarettes even more
expensive.
* On the plus
side, if they live with pot smokers, the pantry is always full.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Too Late To
Change The Ballots To "Kendra" - Saturday in Dallas, Texas, lawyer Ken
Molberg, a
Democratic judicial candidate, was going door to door for votes in a
lower-class neighborhood when he was attacked by a pit bull that bit
him in the
groin. He punched and kicked the dog away, dove into a car, and went to
the
hospital to get 17 stitches. He told his family, "It must have been a
Republican dog."
* It was wearing lipstick.
* Probably owned by a plumber.
* His opponent immediately began airing a commercial that said, "Ken
Molberg kicks dogs!...And sticks needles into his crotch!"
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
November 4, 2008
Take The
Undies And Run - AFP
reports that the Brazilian lingerie maker Lucia Iorio is offering
a set of sexy women's underwear composed of bikini panties, a faux
pearl collar
and a lacy bra with a GPS tracking device hidden in the bodice. They
call it
the "Find Me If You Can" lingerie set. Outraged feminists called it a
high-tech chastity belt, and said men can use it to hunt down women.
But the
maker said a woman can always turn the GPS device off.
* But women don't wear lingerie like this because they want to turn
anything
off.
* News flash: men have a built-in GPS device that points them
toward women
in sexy lingerie.
* Non-feminists are outraged that the pearls are fake.
* One man couldn't figure out why the GPS said his girlfriend was
running in
circles...Turned out her bra was hanging from some guy's ceiling fan.
***************************************************************
Monday,
November 3, 2008
What Can Brown Do For You?
- A survey of 3,000 men by British hairdressser Andrew
Collinge's company found that blondes may have more fun, but they have
fewer
husbands. The men said blondes make better girlfriends, but brunettes
are
better choices for wives. Nearly half of men thought blondes were more
fun and
outgoing, and almost 20 percent said blondes are sexier. But over half
of men
said they'd prefer a brunette wife because they see them as more
dependable,
down-to-earth and well-organized and better homemakers; while nearly
half said
brunettes are more loving and better cooks.
* And they
won't kick their husbands' asses for saying blondes are more fun, like
those
redheads would.
* Now we know
why Brad Pitt settled down with Angelina Jolie: she's dependable and
well-organized.
* Oh, blondes
get husbands...They just get someone else's.
* The moral of
this story: have a brunette wife and a blonde girlfriend.
***************************************************************
Friday, October 31, 2008 - Happy Halloween!
Imagine How
Much He'd Make If He Were Really Dead! - Forbes has released its annual list of
the
highest-earning dead celebrities, and once again, Elvis Presley is #1
with $52
million in income over the past year. Peanuts" creator Charles Schulz
was
#2, followed by Heath Ledger and Albert Einstein, whose estate made $18
million
from "Baby Einstein" toys and videos.
* Plus, they get a royalty every time someone says, "Nice goin',
Einstein!"
* Of course, half of Dead Elvis' money goes to Dead Col. Parker.
* Elvis proves that faking your death is still the best career move.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
October 30, 2008
Variety
reports that the Jonas Brothers have been signed to make their movie
debut in a
film adaptation of a popular children's book called "Walter the Farting
Dog"...In a related story, the Jonas Brothers have just been
arrested
for murdering their agent...So, which one plays Walter?...This will be
the
stinkiest dog since Kelly Clarkson made her movie debut in "From Justin
to
Kelly."
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
October 29, 2008
Two San Francisco
artists have combined two geek obsessions to create the "My Zombie
Pinup" calendar: it features photos of hot, scantily-clad women made up
with gory horror movie makeup to look as if they are missing body
parts...But
not any of the good ones...They're not typical zombies because the one
thing
they don't need is "braaaaaains"...It's disarmingly scary.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
October 28, 2008
The
Uninteresting Secret Life Of Bees - Scientists at Australia's University of
Queensland
have discovered that honeybees can count up to four, but lose track
after that.
A spokesman said it's astonishing how many human-like capacities bees
have for
something with a brain the size of a sesame seed.
* It's truly astonishing that something that tiny could score higher on
math
SATs than Jessica Simpson.
* Ironically, this would only earn bees a B-minus in math.
***************************************************************
Monday, October 27, 2008
Can I
Get It Cheaper On The Internet? - The British Medical Journal reports
that a survey of
doctors in the US, Britain, New Zealand, Sweden, Israel and Denmark
found that
many routinely give patients placebos. 46 to 58 percent of U.S. doctors
prescribe
useless remedies like B12 vitamins for fatigue or antibiotics for the
flu, in
hopes that patients' belief in them will make them feel better.
* It's like how politicians make voters feel better by offering
bailouts.
* Patients often ask if there isn't some less expensive generic
equivalent of
Placebo.
***************************************************************
Friday,
October 24, 2008
Chinese
martial arts master Ling Chunjiang claims he can put out 12 candles a
minute by
blowing air out of his eyes...It's a special form of kung fu known
as
"Oh yuk."
***************************************************************
Thursday, October 23, 2008
He's
Oprah's Favorite Thing -
The Drudge Report claims that Oprah Winfrey is begging
Barack Obama to let her produce his half-hour TV ad, but it's not known
whether
it will just be Obama speaking or have produced elements.
* Dr. Oz could illustrate how Obama will unblock Washington
obstruction, just
like a constipated colon.
* Oprah wants to run on at the end and say, "Everyone who votes for
Obama
gets a free caaaaaaaaaar!!!"
***************************************************************
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
First Clue:
He's On The National Health
- Britain's Academy of Medical Royal Collegees is issuing
tips for doctors to help them tell when a patient is dead. They say
there have
been instances where patients are presumed dead, but are really in
hypothermia
or a drug-induced coma. The guidelines offer doctors a more precise
definition
of death as the irreversible loss of the capacity for consciousness
combined
with irreversible loss of the capacity to breathe.
* Oh, that happens to Dick Cheney all the time, and he's still alive.
* If they're still breathing, they might just be Obamaniacs.
* That means they're either dead or listening to John Tesh on an iPod.
* This is very important in British necrophilia cases, where men often
claim
that they didn't know the woman was dead, they thought she was just
British.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
October 21, 2008
Mr. Blackwell,
the fashion designer famous for his snarky "worst dressed lists,"
died in Los Angeles Sunday at 86...He saw Ashton Kutcher wearing a
hoodie at
Spago, and his heart couldn't take it...As if Lindsay Lohan needed
another
excuse to party!...In keeping with his last wish, any mourners at his
funeral
will be ridiculed for wearing black in the afternoon...His body will be
cremated and sealed in a concrete vault, which is what he always wanted
to do
to Britney Spears' wardrobe.
***************************************************************
Monday,
October 20, 2008
God's Way
Of Telling You To "Hang The F*** Up!" - The British Association
of Dermatologists announced that cell phones can give you a rash on the
ear and
cheek. Some people develop an irritating allergy to the nickel surface
of cell
phones after using them for too long. It's called "mobile phone
dermatitis."
* Not to be
confused with "mobile phone squirmititis," which is when you're
allergic to idiots who use cell phones for too long.
* Are they
sure it isn't hemorrhoids? That's usually what it is when an a-hole
gets
irritated.
* Well, enough
people wished a pox on cell phone users, and it finally came true.
* Heavy cell
phone use can also cause welts, lacerations and broken bones, if you
use it in
a movie theater.
***************************************************************
Friday, October 17, 2008
The new
political star of the presidential race is Joe the plumber, the Ohio
plumber
who asked Obama a tough question about his tax plans. During the last
debate,
McCain anointed Joe the plumber as the typical American worker and
referred to
him over 20 times; and both candidates looked into the camera and spoke
to him
directly, if he was watching.
* Unfortunately, being the typical American, Joe the Plumber was
watching pro
wrestling.
* Obama accused Republicans of allowing Joe the Plumber's job to be
outsourced
overseas to Bob the Builder.
* Joe the Plumber is basically just Joe Sixpack, except he charges you
$50 an
hour to drink beer.
* By the end, I was expecting McCain to announce that Joe the Plumber
was his
new running mate.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
October 16, 2008
UCLA
researchers found that for middle-aged people, surfing the Internet
helps boost
brain power and offset the effects of aging on the brain by stimulating
the
parts of the brain that control decision-making and complex reasoning...Really?
Then
explain
all
the
bids
for
crap
on
eBay...
You
learn
to
make
complex
decisions,
like,
"Do
I
want
to
see
nude
celebrities
or
hot
girl-on-girl
action?"...For
the
love
of
God,
won't
SOMEBODY
get
John
McCain
a
computer?!
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
October 15, 2008
Aggie Jokes
Explained –
An MRI study by Texas A&M University of over 1800 adults age 60 and
over
proved that the more people drink, the more their brains shrink, and
it's worse
for women, maybe because they absorb booze faster. A Texas A&M
spokesman
said, "The take-home message is that, if you drink a lot, you're going
to
hurt your brain."
* And yet, people who drink like fish for four years straight will then
receive
a college degree.
* Brain shrinkage is just nature's way of helping you to forget what
you did
when you were drunk.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
October 14, 2008
Children's
Crusade - The
New York Post reports that the parents of O'jahnae Smith of Connecticut
was
surprised to learn that the activist group ACORN had registered her to
vote,
since she's seven years old. They think a drug-addicted relative might
have
filled out the form.
* ...300 times. Which entitles her to vote…300 times.
* ACORN was appalled; they assume that all the drug addicts they
register are
completely honest.
* Wow, Obama really is inspiring young people to vote!
***************************************************************
Monday, October 13, 2008
The Ad Council
and a gay and lesbian group launched a series of PSAs showing
celebrities
breaking into ordinary people's private conversations to tell them not
to say,
"That's so gay," because it might offend actual gay people...That's
so retarded. Oh, sorry: don't mean to offend any celebrities... The
celebrities
also interrupt people to tell them they're racist, sexist and voting
the wrong
way.
***************************************************************
Friday, October 10, 2008
World's
Worst Hooters - The
Kayabukiya tavern, a restaurant north of Tokyo, has added two
trained monkeys to its wait staff. The older Macaque takes customers'
drink
orders and brings them to the table, while the younger one passes
around hot
towels. Customers pay by tipping them with boiled soya beans. The owner
said
the monkeys began as his pets; then he noticed they were copying his
movements
in the restaurant, so he put them to work as waiters. He hopes to train
three
baby monkeys as his next generation of waiters.
* If they don't work out, look for them on the menu, stir-fried with
soya
beans.
* Here's a tip: don't order a banana daiquiri. You'll never see your
waiter
again.
* Well, it's now official: there is no job actors can do that a trained
monkey
can't.
***************************************************************
Thursday, October 9, 2008
The living
room of Nick Nolte's home near the Malibu beach was consumed by fire
Tuesday
morning, but Nolte had only minor injuries from smoke inhalation and
cutting
his hand while breaking a window to escape...Firefighters found him
disheveled, incoherent, reeking of smoke and coughing his lungs out, so
he's
perfectly normal.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
October 8, 2008
Good Will Hunting And Pecking - Last week, it was
revealed that the FEC is examining excessive donations to the Obama
campaign
from someone named "Good Will" who listed his occupation as
"Loving You." They are suspected to be illegal foreign donations
under a fake name. Now, CBS reports on a couple more suspicious donors
who
together gave $7,722. They are "Dahsudhu Hdusahfd" of "Df, Hawaii"
and "Uadhshgu Hduadh" of "Dhff, Florida." The first one
lists his employer as "CZXVC/ZXVZXV," while the second one works for
"DASADA/SAFASF."
* I know both
of those companies. They make eye charts.
* This is
either blatant election fraud, or there's an organization called "Bad
Typists for Obama."
* The donors
can't be found because they were tricked into saying their names
backwards and
returned to the 5th dimension.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
October 7, 2008
40 Lashes!
- The BBC
reports that Sheikh Muhammad al-Habadan, a Muslim cleric from Saudi
Arabia,
thinks that women are being too slutty by wearing burkas that show both
their
eyes. He says women are encouraged to wear eye makeup that makes their
eyes
look seductive. To control the seduction of men, he thinks women should
have to
wear a full veil that reveals only one eye.
* The women will have no depth perception, but it doesn't matter
because
they're not allowed to drive.
* But every time they blink, men will think it's a wink and be seduced!
* Better yet, cover both eyes and make them be led around by a male
relative.
***************************************************************
Monday,
October 6, 2008
The
"condomobile" that was stolen in Mexico City was found in a nearby
parking lot, but it was missing its sound equipment, 4,000 condoms, a
23-foot
inflatable condom and a device that inflates it...It's an air pump
that runs
on Viagra...The thief took 4,000 condoms, including one 23 feet long.
Police
are looking for someone with a very high opinion of himself.
***************************************************************
Friday,
October 3, 2008
Shouldn't
Have Given Him The Finger -
A
70-year-old
man
in
Limburg-Weilburg,
Germany,
could
face
attempted
murder
charges
after
he
allegedly
got
into
an
argument
with
a
cab
driver
about
his
parking,
pulled
out
a
machete,
struck
the
cabbie
in
the
head
and
chopped
off
his
finger.
* Why would he want a cab driver's finger? You don't know where that's BEEN!
* If it was his middle finger, that could be a career-ending injury for
a cab
driver.
* You should see what he did to those damn kids who wouldn't get off
his lawn.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
October 2, 2008
Eat
Dolphin-Free Tuna - Dolphins
at
Japan's
Kinosaki
Marine
World
park
were
put
on
a
diet
after
they
started
failing
to
hit
targets
or
stay
upright.
Trainers
realized
they'd
gotten
too
fat
to
perform.
* It really became apparent when they jumped through the hoops and got
stuck.
* They only stay on top of the water because fat floats.
* Michael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day and stays thin by swimming,
so you
can imagine how much these dolphins eat.
* It's the only theme park where the dolphins are nicknamed
"Shamu."
* At this park, the name "Flipper" is short for "Pancake
Flipper."
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
Oct. 1, 2008
She Can
Catch Up On Her Sleep -
Two planes that were trying to land on the Greek island of
Lesbos had to keep circling for 40 minutes because the air traffic
controller
overslept, and there was nobody to give them directions. Police said
she would
be suspended for a few days.
* Until then,
better stay away from the landing strips on Lesbos.
* She couldn't
help it; her plaid flannel work shirt was just sooooo warm and
cozy...
***************************************************************
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Or Gary
Cherone - The
London Sun reports that Led Zeppelin is planning a full reunion tour
next
summer. Robert Plant was reportedly holding out and wanted their
one-time
reunion last winter to be the end of it. But an unnamed source said the
others
wanted to tour, and Plant realized he couldn't face the thought of
Zeppelin
touring and him not being involved.
* Yeah, it just wouldn't be the same with Sammy Hagar.
* How could any man resist all those 60-year-old groupies?
* The theme of the tour: "It's Been A Really, Really, Really Long Time
Since We Rock 'N' Rolled."
***************************************************************
Monday,
September 29, 2008
Scientists at
the Carnegie Institution using geothermal technologies believe they
have
identified the oldest rocks on Earth...They're John McCain's kidney
stones...They used the same techniques to prove that the Rolling Stones
are the
oldest rockers on Earth.
***************************************************************
Friday,
September 26, 2008
Cats
Better Pray Mice Never Get Lawyers - Allessandro Marchesi of Parma, Italy,
discovered
his wife Laura's cat, Ivano, had urinated in his briefcase. So he put
the cat
out on the balcony for the night. The next morning, she found the cat
shivering
outside and was so angry, she reported her husband to an animal rights
group.
They got a judge to order Marchesi to pay $800 for vet expenses and
emotional
damages. His wife said, "I am so pleased with all the help from the
lawyers. I love my cat very, very much and what happened to it affected
me
deeply. It is only fair that I receive some compensation." The effect
on
the couple's relationship was not reported.
* Let's put it this way: "The pussy is still frigid."
* If I were him, I'd pee in her purse.
* He learned his lesson: next time, let the cat stay in and kick his
wife out
onto the balcony.
* $800 won't cover the emotional damages...That cat will be in therapy
for years.
* The cat is now organizing a class action lawsuit against dogs.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
September 25, 2008
Wag The Dog
-
Masterpet, a New Zealand pet food company, made rubber chew toys with
pictures
of the two leading candidates for Prime Minister in the November
election. They
want to see if it can predict the election by finding out which
candidate
voters would rather see fed to the dogs.
* Except that both of them are completely sold out.
* In America, we don't need to literally feed candidates to ravenous
dogs...That's why we have the press.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
September 24, 2008
Return To
Sender -
If you've ever dreamed of owning the Elvis Is Alive Museum in
Hattiesburg,
Mississippi, here's your chance. Andy Key bought it on eBay last year,
but now,
military obligations will keep him too busy to run it. The museum
includes
photos, FBI files, DNA reports and other alleged evidence that Elvis
never
died. Key paid $8,300 for it, and he's set a minimum starting bid of
$15,000.
* Or, if Elvis wants it, $8,300.
* Then again, how can you put a price on something so worthless?...Uh,
I mean,
"Priceless!"
* The way Elvis ate, if he were still alive, he'd be dead by now.
* One word of warning: it's all evidence that Elvis Costello is still
alive.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Pro Boner - DeKalb, Illinois,
attorney Scott Robert Erwin had his license suspended for misconduct
for
accepting nude dances from a stripper client as partial payment for her
legal
fees. The two mutually agreed that she'd perform for him in his office
to
reduce her bill for various legal matters and he credited her for $534.
But
afterward, she complained to police that he'd touched her
inappropriately. He
denied that and was never charged criminally, but he can't practice law
for 15
months.
* He'll spend that time working as a script consultant on "Boston
Legal."
* When you're paying your legal bill by dancing naked in a lawyer's
office, you
don't want that to lead to anything inappropriate.
***************************************************************
Monday,
September 22, 2008
Yale
astronomers say they have identified a galaxy that appears to be the
dimmest
galaxy in the universe...Did they have the mirrors in the telescope
set on
"Reflect" again?...They found it using the Hubble Space
Flashlight...They named it "Keanu."
***************************************************************
Friday, September 19, 2008
Brad Pitt has
donated $100,000 to a group fighting a California ballot proposition
that would
make same sex marriage illegal again...He believes that every gay
man
deserves the right to dream of someday marrying Brad Pitt.
***************************************************************
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Victim:
Glen Quagmire - A man in
Rising Fawn, Georgia, reports that he came home to find his
door broken and $1900 worth of property missing. The burglar took
jewelry,
about 75 DVDs, and a black bag filled with sex toys.
* Police hope to locate the thief by listening to the buzz on the
street.
* Who'd steal used sex toys? You don't know where they've been!...Well,
actually, you do, and that's even worse.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
He Might Be
Right About Itchy -
Islamic cleric Sheikh Muhammad Munajid, a former Saudi
diplomat to Washington, was asked to give Islam's teachings on mice on
a
religious show on an Arab TV network. He said cartoons such as Tom
& Jerry
or Mickey Mouse teach children that mice are lovable, but under Sharia
law,
"the mouse is a repulsive, corrupting creature," "one of Satan's
soldiers" that makes everything it touches impure. He said all mice,
real
or cartoon, must be killed. He added, "Mickey Mouse has become an
awesome
character, even though according to Islamic law, Mickey Mouse should be
killed
in all cases."
* Unfortunately, Mickey has a power even greater than Allah: the Disney
Legal
Department.
* Even worse, he has a high, feminine voice.
* Laughter is also forbidden, and he mistakenly believes that Mickey
Mouse is
funny.
* Bad news for him: the only thing on Earth that can't be
killed by
a suicide bomb is a cartoon mouse.
* Good luck killing Jerry the Mouse! Tom the Cat has tried everything
from an
anvil to a meat ax!
* Also, Donald Duck must be stoned to death for wearing no pants.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Finally,
Someone Makes Money On A House Deal! - Hugh Laurie signed a deal to keep
starring in
"House" for about $400,000 an episode. When "House"
debuted, Laurie was a little-known British actor making one of prime
time's
smaller paychecks, but "House" is now the second-highest-rated
scripted show on TV, behind "Desperate Housewives."
* Coincidentally, $400,000 an episode is that show's Botox budget.
* $400,000 a week is what a patient would have to make to pay House's
bill.
* Hugh gets $400,000 for playing a crippled, drug-addicted, medical
genius with
a perfect American accent, while Charlie Sheen gets twice that for
playing
Charlie Sheen.
***************************************************************
Monday, September 15, 2008
It's Not
Groovy, Man! - In
Colorado, Democratic Senate candidate Mark Udall is demanding that
TV stations yank an ad by a conservative group called Freedom's Watch
that
implies he's a hippie. The ad mocks his support for Dennis Kucinich's
"Department of Peace" proposal by showing an aging hippie with a VW
van extolling the idea and hurriedly closing the van door when he
realizes
smoke is leaking out. Udall's spokesman called it outrageous to tie him
to
illegal pot smoking. But a Freedom Watch spokesman said the ad doesn't
say
that's pot smoke; it might just be the engine overheating.
* Hey, it is
a VW van...
* It's possible; there's a lot of weed hidden in the exhaust
pipe.
* That wasn't an actor, it was Dennis Kucinich.
* The ads were produced by a fat kid in South Park, Colorado, who says
he hates
damn dirty hippies.
***************************************************************
Friday,
September 12, 2008
The new
European particle collider underneath France had a successful first
test
Wednesday, and it did not create a black hole that swallowed the
Earth...I'm
sure you're relieved to hear that...More good news: if it does create a
black
hole, at least the French will get sucked into it first.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
September 11, 2008
Shock And
Awesome -
Hotelier Sol Kerzner is launching a new Dubai resort with a
star-studded, $30
million party so lavish, he claims you'll be able to see it from space.
It will
end with a fireworks show by the same people who did the Beijing
Olympics
opening ceremony's fireworks, except 10 times larger.
* Forget that
stupid French particle collider; This is how the world is
going to end.
* Space aliens
will look down on all the fireworks and say, "Huh! Obama must be making
another speech!"
* J-Lo will
also be there, and you can see her ass from space.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
It
Stinkskis! -
Russian prosecutors are suing to ban the American series "South Park"
from Russian TV because it "insults the feelings of religious believers
and incites religious and national hatred." They were particularly
incensed by "Mr. Hanky's Christmas Classics," a holiday special
featuring Satan, Hitler, and a musical duet by Jesus and Santa Claus,
hosted by
a talking piece of excrement.
* Geraldo Rivera?
* They're just upset because in Russia, Mr. Hanky's voice is dubbed by
a
Vladimir Putin impersonator.
* But Russians drink so much vodka, they see stuff like that when the
TV isn't
even on.
* Russians are offended that some piece of crap thinks he can just
invade
someone else's country.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
The last legal
brothel in Taiwan was shut down after police ruled that its 87-year-old
pimp
could not legally transfer his 48-year-old license to a new owner. The
closure
rendered his last two prostitutes jobless...They're already
toothless...Why,
they'll be out on the street!...Customers will really miss their Early
Bird
Special...Don't worry about them: they'll soon be the most popular
Wal-Mart
greeters in Taiwan.
***************************************************************
Monday, September 8, 2008
Robert
Downey Jr.'s Roommate -
AFP reports that an Asian elephant that got hooked on
heroin after smugglers used drug-laced bananas to lure him into a trap
has been
cured after three years in rehab on China's Hainan Island. Vets weaned
him off
it with enormous shots of methadone, five times the size of those used
on a
man.
* That's known as the "Courtney Love 12-Step Program."
* Amy Winehouse wants to know where she can get some of those syringes.
* There's only one thing worse than an elephant on heroin, and that's
an
elephant that snorts cocaine.
***************************************************************
Friday, September 5, 2008
The Snatch
Was Real -
Police in Port St. Lucie, Florida, are searching for a man who snatched
an
elderly woman's purse while dressed as a woman. A witness said the
thief was
wearing a short denim skirt and black tube top, and he fled in a silver
car
containing two other male crossdressers. He dropped one bizarre clue: a
condom
filled with water that he was using as a fake breast to fill out a bra
cup.
Police are examining it for fingerprints and DNA.
* Good luck: it must have the fingerprints and DNA of 30 guys on it.
* He wasn't trying to rob her; he just had to have that purse!
* They are certain that it was a man because his skirt really was that
short.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
September 4, 2008
Nastia Bent
Over Backwards To Win This
- Wheaties cereals has chosen the two gold mmedal Olympians
who will be honored with their own commemorative Wheaties boxes. They
are
gymnast Nastia Liukin and decathlete Bryan Clay. Their Wheaties boxes
will
appear in stores later this month.
* That's not fair! Michael Phelps actually eats Wheaties! 200
bowls a
day!
* Michael Phelps' picture will appear on boxes of Purina Dolphin Chow.
* The Chinese gold medal gymnasts will appear on Gerber's Baby Cereal.
* A male gymnast who slipped while straddling the balance beam will
appear on a
box of Crunch Berries.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
September 3, 2008
Mickey
Rooney Will Donate His Body To Science - Researchers in Sweden believe they've
found
evidence that there is a "divorce gene." It affects how the brain
responds to a chemical that makes men and women feel bonded. They found
that
men with the gene were less likely to be married, and women who were
married to
them were less satisfied with their marriages. It raises hope that
science
could someday develop a drug that keeps marriages from falling apart.
* They already did: it's called "Television."
* The divorce gene often appears simultaneously with the "acting
bug."
* They also discovered that women can have a "man repellant" gene,
but so far, they've only found it in Jennifer Aniston.
***************************************************************
Monday,
September 1, 2008
What Would
Jesus Do? -
Alabama steelworker Levi Zachary Humphrey needs to find a better way to
celebrate his birthday. Officers in Naples, Florida, responded to a
call about
a man lying in a road by a bridge and found Humphrey swimming drunk and
naked.
They got him into a police boat, but he wouldn't talk and he spit on
the boat
and on an officer, which is third-degree felony battery. He finally
told them
his name: "Jesus Christ." He pleaded for mercy, telling the judge he
was celebrating his 23rd birthday and got drunk. He got a year in jail,
reduced
to four months. The judge suggested that next time he goes swimming
drunk and
naked, "get a cape."
* If he gets naked in jail, he might want to keep the cape on in there,
too.
* The cops knew he wasn't really Jesus, or else he would've turned all
that
water into wine.
***************************************************************
Friday,
August 29, 2008
Simon Cowell said the new "American Idol"
judge Kari DioGuardi was welcomed to the group with a slumber party,
where he
and Randy wore jammies, and Paula and Kari wore negligees, and they ate
cake
until 2 a.m...Paula ate rum cake...They would've invited Ryan
Seacrest, but
they only had two negligees... They're starting to sound more like the
judges
on "Project Runway."
***************************************************************
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Marketing
Wizardry -
Warner Brothers, the producer of the "Harry Potter" series, is suing
an Indian studio for making a kids' movie called "Hari Puttar: A Comedy
of
Terrors." A spokesman said Hari is a popular Indian name, and their
movie
has nothing to do with Harry Potter.
* It's about a boy who goes off to a mystical school where he's trained
to be a
7-11 clerk.
* "Hari Puttar" sounds like a rip-off of a Ron Jeremy movie.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
August 27, 2008
Snap Out Of
It! - The
London Daily Telegraph says there's yet another casting rumor about the
next
Batman movie. The rumor was that director Chris Nolan wants Angelina
Jolie to
play Catwoman, but an anonymous studio executive claims Nolan's first
choice is
actually Cher because he wants a Catwoman who is the "absolute opposite
of
Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry's purring creations." The source said
Nolan wants Cher to portray Catwoman "like a vamp in her twilight
years."
* In other words, he wants Cher to play Cher.
* He must think Catwoman is a cougar.
* Plus, Cher could go naked and save them the expense of buying a
leather suit.
* In this movie, Batman doesn't fall in love with Catwoman, but Robin
thinks
she's fabulous!
***************************************************************
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
They Can
Dance With A Singing Crab! -
Seaworld
owner
Anheuser-Busch
is
being
bought
by
Belgium's
InBev,
and
analysts
believe
the
new
owner
might
want
to
sell
off
the
three
aquatic
theme
parks.
So
People
for
the
Ethical
Treatment
of
Animals
has
written
to
InBev,
saying
they
have
an
anonymous
rich
donor
and
want
to buy one
of the
parks, possibly in San Diego. Their goal is to eventually turn the
trained
animals such as Shamu loose in the ocean and replace them with virtual
reality
exhibits.
* These people live in a virtual reality.
* Uh, do they understand why the park separates the penguins
from the
seals?
* I'm sure the animals look forward to going from being celebrities to
being
seafood.
***************************************************************
Monday,
August 25, 2008
Step One:
Start Using Heroin - MTV
is casting for a new reality show that crosses "The Biggest
Loser" with "America's Next Top Model." They are looking for overweight
women who are willing to go to a boot camp and work, diet and sweat to
lose 30
to 80 pounds in three months to win a $100,000 modeling contract.
Obesity
experts are worried, not only about the message it sends, but because
they say
losing more than 25 pounds in three months can be dangerous to your
health.
* And the modeling industry doesn't accept people who do things that
endanger
their health!
* But if they don't lose it within three months, they'll be too old
to
become models!
* These women start at 120 pounds, and have to lose 30 to 80 to become
models.
* The short ones will also be stretched on a rack until they're
5-foot-11.
***************************************************************
Friday, August 22, 2008
A woman in Greenfield, Wisconsin, was
arrested for
allegedly celebrating her 37th birthday by acting as getaway driver for
her
teenage son as he robbed two gas stations, and bringing her 10- and
14-year-old
sons and 13-month-old daughter along for the ride...God, imagine
what she'll
do when she turns 40... Her son wanted money to buy her one of those
"World's Coolest Mom" paperweights.
***************************************************************
Thursday, August 21, 2008
He Should've Gotten Cold Feet - SearchingForBigfoot.com owner
Tom
Biscardi is suing two Georgia men for $50,000 he gave them to let him
promote
the dead Bigfoot they claimed they had in a deep freeze. Biscardi sent
an
investigator who discovered it had a hollow head and was a costume made
of
plastic, rubber and polyester. Biscardi says he made an appointment
with the
men to get his money back, but when he arrived at their hotel, they
were gone.
* Apparently, hollow heads are common in this field.
* The only big footprint that costume ever left was its carbon
footprint.
* Whoever would've imagined that a professional Bigfoot hunter would be
so
gullible?
***************************************************************
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Money! Money! Money! - Thanks to the movie "Mamma Mia!,"
virtually every music chart is currently topped by ABBA. The soundtrack
is #1
on the Billboard 200 Album Chart, the Soundtrack chart, the Top Digital
Albums
chart and the Top Internet Albums chart. The Broadway version is #1 on
the
Original Cast Albums chart for the third week, and ABBA's greatest hits
tops
the Pop Catalog Albums chart.
* But buyers are very disappointed when they discover the songs aren't
sung by
Pierce Brosnan.
* And the New Age Album Chart is topped by an album of ABBA hits sung
by
whales.
* We'll know the apocalypse is nigh when ABBA tops the R&B chart.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Bash-ful Bride - A woman from Poulsbo, Washington, ended her
pre-wedding
party by being hauled to jail for assault after her 12-year-old son
told her he
had seen her fiance kissing one of her women friends. Deputies say she
kicked
her friends out, ordered her fiance to leave, then started hitting him
in the
face. After he left, she ran after him and tackled him, punched him
again,
threw his watch into the bushes and broke his glasses. She was released
from
jail later that day, but it's not clear whether the wedding took place
as
planned.
* Only if his glasses are still broken and he thinks he's marrying the
other
woman.
* This is why it's so hard for a woman with a kid to get married again.
* The groom's friends told him he dodged a bullet...Well, not yet, but
he
probably will soon.
***************************************************************
Monday, August 18, 2008
Don't Mess With Texas - Texan Nastia Liukin won the women's
gymnastics
gold, with teammate Shawn Johnson taking silver, and China's Yang Yilin
having
to settle for bronze.
* But that will still impress the other members of her 6th grade class.
* Don't worry about the Chinese team: they just landed good jobs as
dancers on
the Barney the Dinosaur show.
***************************************************************
Friday, August 15, 2008
The British fashion industry has abandoned a plan to ban
anorexic-looking
"size zero" models out of fear of discrimination lawsuits and a lack
of support in New York, Milan and other fashion capitals... Were
they really
afraid of size zeros throwing their weight around?...Anorexic models
insist on
working in England; it's the only place where the food doesn't tempt
them...
Know what they call a "size zero" in L.A.? "Fatty."
***************************************************************
Thursday, August 14, 2008
And Eating Nuts Is Cannibalism - The London Daily Mail reports
that Al
Qaeda partly lost the support of the Iraqi people by enforcing
ludicrous
Islamic laws. They killed ice cream salesmen because ice cream
wasn't
available in Mohammed's time, killed female goats because their
privates
weren't covered, and declared that cucumbers were male and tomatoes
female, and
women were not allowed to buy cucumbers because of their suggestive
shape.
* They felt threatened by them...Heck, Osama bin Laden feels threatened
by baby
carrots.
* It's a shame because with men like them around, the women really
needed those
cucumbers.
* This wouldn't be a problem if the men of Al Qaeda weren't so
strangely
attracted to female goats.
* Women who bought tomatoes were stoned for being lesbians.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
A BBC Radio documentary credits the disco band Boney M with the biggest
music
swindle of the '70s: they had two hits that were actually the same
record with
the A and B sides switched, so fans who got both hits actually bought
the same
record twice...It was disco; who knew the difference?...Big deal:
Ramones
fans bought the same album 15 times...The biggest music swindle of the
1970s
was charging 99 cents for a single of "Muskrat Love."
***************************************************************
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Matthew McConaughey said the birth of his son will bring joy to others
in the
world someday because he kept the placenta and will bury it in an
orchard to
fertilize a fruit tree, a ritual he learned from Australian Aboriginal
tribes...Or possibly on "Oprah," he's not sure... It's a ritual
you must perform shirtless...For Matthew McConaughey's kid, wouldn't a
nut tree
be more appropriate?... Years from now, someone will eat the fruit from
that
tree, and he'll tell them this story, and they will spit that fruit
clear
across the orchard.
***************************************************************
Monday, August 11, 2008
Cough Up An Apology - Four American Olympic cyclists who were
caught on
camera unloading their bicycles in Beijing while wearing breathing
masks had to
issue an apology to China, saying they didn't realize that it might
send a
negative message.
* That message: "We...need...oxygen..."
* Also, visibility was so low, they didn't think anybody could see
them.
* And inferior American vinyl must be to blame for the "mist" melting
their bicycle seats.
***************************************************************
Friday, August 8, 2008
Sake To Me! - ABC TV journalist Martin Bashir apologized after
he spoke
at the Asian American Journalists' Association banquet in Chicago and
said,
"I'm happy to be in the midst of so many Asian babes. In fact, I'm
happy
that the podium covers me from the waist down." He wrote a letter to
New
York magazine saying, "Upon reflection, it was a tasteless remark that
I
now bitterly regret."
* But then, he wrote a much more entertaining letter to Penthouse
magazine.
* He doesn't understand: David Letterman used that line on Connie
Chung, and it
went over like gangbusters.
* Just because Bill Clinton got away with it during his tour of Asia
doesn't
mean everybody can.
***************************************************************
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Beer For My Horses - Police in Kaufbeuren, Bavaria, are
searching for a
man who did over $2,000 worth of damage to a public toilet by taking
his horse
in with him. Witnesses say the man didn't want to leave his horse
outside, but
the horse was apparently a better judge of spatial relationships than
its
master and realized it couldn't fit. So it went wild and destroyed the
toilet's
entryway.
* Now, it fits.
* The horse immediately realized that was not its stall.
* It got spooked when George Michael tried to mount it.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Sex And
The Kitty -
The New York Post reports that a new Manhattan-based reality show is
being
developed called "Cougars: NYC." It will follow five glamorous,
wealthy, middle-aged women who only date men in their 20s. A producer
insisted,
"This isn't just horny older women chasing younger guys. It's women who
are
beautiful, successful and hot, who can get these younger guys because
they are
hot."
* And because they buy them a hot dinner.
* Also because all the women in their 20s are dating men in their 50s.
* Young guys must really be turned on by hot flashes.
* So it's like "Sex & The City," except all the women are hot.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
A member of the Saudi religious police in Jizan province ran afoul of
the
strict laws he normally enforces when he was accused of having six
wives at the
same time. Religious law allows him to have only four. He denied having
six
wives at once and claimed he had divorced two of them...Or killed
them, he
can't remember...It's hard to keep track when there's no paperwork...He
distinctly remembers saying, "I divorce thee" six times.
***************************************************************
Monday, August 4, 2008
Information Highway – A survey by TechnoMetrica and Auto
Futures Group
found that 34 percent of Americans said that if gas went up to $6 a
gallon, and
they heard that their cars were really fuel-efficient, they would be
willing to
buy a Google or Dell-brand car.
* But not a Microsoft car: the windows freeze up, and they're always
crashing.
* But would those be compatible with all the Yahoos behind the wheel?
* The Google coupe has a backseat big enough for you to lie down across
it and
Google yourself.
***************************************************************
Friday, August 1, 2008
For Male Terrorists Only - Pakistan's Daily Times says sources
tell them
terrorists have developed a new weapon: exploding underwear. Body
searchers
usually avoid the groin area out of modesty, so suicide bombers are
packing
their briefs with up to 15 pounds of explosives, plus bullets, ball
bearings or
glass shards.
* This is something we should be doing to them at Gitmo.
* If they're anything like Osama bin Laden, they have plenty of room in
their
briefs for all that stuff.
* Once it goes off, he won't have much use for those 72 virgins.
***************************************************************
Thursday, July 31, 2008
The Gaming Of The Shrew - Researchers from Germany's Bayreuth
University
have discovered a tree shrew in Malaysia that lives on fermented nectar
but
never shows signs of getting drunk, no matter how much it imbibes. They
say the
shrew is very similar to the last common ancestor of all living
primates,
including people, so studying it could reveal that humans' taste for
alcohol
evolved millions of years ago. They also hope to learn from it how it
can take
in alcohol constantly and show no ill effects.
* The research is funded by a grant from Lindsay Lohan.
* If you want to see ill effects, find the guy who's married to
the
alcoholic
shrew.
* No ill effects? If it weren't drunk all the time, it would be walking
upright
by now!
* This could be the missing link between ancient primates and the
Irish.
***************************************************************
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
They Have To Have Sex With The Doctors - Chinese Olympic
officials want
to avoid a repeat of the embarrassing 2006 Asia Games scandal, where a
female
runner from India was stripped of her silver medal after failing a
gender test.
So in Beijing, any suspicious-looking female athletes will be forced to
take a
medical test to prove they are really female. Officials have created a
special
sex-determination lab staffed by four experts from a Peking hospital to
do the
testing.
* If they have to prove they menstruate, that will rule out all the
gymnasts.
* They're ordered to pee in a cup...If they can do it, they fail the
test.
* This hospital actually has four staff experts on telling if a woman
is really
a man? Would one of them like a job working for Eddie Murphy?
***************************************************************
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Hey, You! Get Offa My Lawn! - Here's a scary milestone for baby
boomers:
Saturday, Mick Jagger turned 65 and is now entitled to collect a basic
UK state
pension of $180 (US) a week, but he'll have to wait until he's 70 to
collect
such old age benefits as free roof insulation. When he was knighted in
2003, he
was asked if this meant he'd joined the establishment he used to rail
against,
and he said he didn't think the establishment as he knew it exists
anymore.
* All those evil corporations Mick used to rail against are gone, like
Amalgamated Spats and the Fosdick Autogyro Consortium.
* Mick is 65, but he has the body of a 20-year-old...Nearly every
night...Sometimes, two a night...
* It's hard to believe because the Stones don't look 65. They look 165.
***************************************************************
Monday, July 28, 2008
They Had To Be Drunk - An AskMen.com survey of 70,000 young
men, average
age 28, found that they're sick of being typecast in ads, sitcoms and
pop
culture as immature, insensitive horn dogs. 75 percent of the men
believe they
have a "soul mate," 69 percent say they would never cheat, 77 percent
look for girlfriends with "wife potential," 56 percent believe that
being a good husband and father makes you "manly," 57 percent cook at
home and enjoy it, and 75 percent admitted they have cried over a
woman.
* When they spilled their beer on their centerfold of Miss October.
* Probably because she borrowed their high heels and never returned
them.
* And 80 percent believe women are dumb enough to actually believe all
that.
* Men really want to be moral, faithful and committed...It's not their
fault
women are such whores.
***************************************************************
Friday, July 25, 2008
She'll
Do It For $10,000 Worth Of Coke - Farmer Marlon Brooks of Norfolk,
England, was
finally able to terrify pigeons away from his sugar beets after he made
a
scarecrow that looks just like Amy Winehouse. He said Amy is doing a
better job
of scaring birds than she is of singing at the moment, and he'd be
happy to
offer her a fulltime job when the singing career is over.
* Like, now?
* The scarecrow sings, too...It sings, "If I Only Had a Brain."
* One problem: she does attract bugs.
* Of course, the scarecrow is stuffed with straw, it wears old rags,
and it's
been out in the weather for weeks, so it looks a lot healthier than
Amy.
***************************************************************
Thursday, July 24, 2008
A-Rod Swings A Bat - The Daily Star claims that someone is
trying to
get $2 million for an alleged tape of Madonna and married Yankees
slugger Alex
Rodriguez having sex on a couch in an apartment owned by a friend of
Madonna's.
The two have denied having an affair and said Madonna was just teaching
A-Rod
about Kabbalah. The mystery cameraman claimed via email to have
secretly
installed a hidden camera in the apartment. One problem: it's highly
illegal to
break into apartments you don't own and install hidden cameras.
* But apparently, it's okay as long as you film celebrities having sex.
* She taught A-Rod that in a pinch, those red yarn Kabbalah bracelets
make
serviceable handcuffs.
* This is the first movie Madonna's made where her co-star is even more
like a
piece of wood than she is.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
July 23, 2008
Roamin'
Polanski -
Disbarred Manhattan lawyer James Colliton pleaded guilty to statutory
rape for
having sex with underage girls. He was arrested near Toronto in 2006,
where he
had fled from police, and sentenced to three concurrent one-year terms.
Now, he's
suing American Express for cooperating with police. He claims they
violated the
card agreement to withhold customer information from third parties.
He's
seeking unspecified damages.
* But he will settle for Dakota Fanning's phone number.
* I knew membership had its privileges, but I didn't know they included
sex
with teenage girls.
* He learned his lesson: Always buy your girlfriend's Happy Meals with
cash.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
"Do Ya Want Jamie Lynn's, Too?" - Friday, the A.P.
reported that Britney Spears has agreed to give Kevin Federline full
custody of
their two sons. She will get three visits from them a week with at
least two
overnight visits. She also agreed to pay K-Fed's lawyer $250,000 and to
pay
K-Fed $20,000 a month in child support.
* That should take care of all the kids' needs, as long as cigarettes
don't get
any more expensive.
* Britney thought that seemed high until she remembered she has two
kids.
***************************************************************
Monday, July 21, 2008
The CDC
reports that America has reached a milestone: between 2005 and 2007,
the number
of obese people rose 2 percent to 25.6 percent, meaning over 1 in 4
Americans
is officially obese.
* I'd start chanting, "We're Number One!" but it would require
me to lift my finger.
* But 2 out of 4 think they're obese: all the women.
***************************************************************
Friday, July 18, 2008
Like Willie
Wonka's Factory, But Even More Dangerous - French flight attendant Mathilde Epron of
France won
a contest by Nestle to be one of the first European space tourists.
She’ll get
four days of training in Oklahoma, then experience five minutes of
weightlessness
aboard a small four-seater Rocketplane XP. Epron said she threw
away the
winning Kit Kat bar wrapper without bothering to look at it, but two
hours
later, fished it out of the trash to read it.
* Okay, to be honest, she fished it out to see if she could lick any
more
chocolate off of it.
* This is the only way Nestle's customers will ever know what it's like
to feel
weightless for even five minutes.
* Most people who eat Kit Kat Bars couldn't even fit onto that
spacecraft.
* The French woman will get to travel to a desolate world populated by
strange
aliens: Oklahoma.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
July 17, 2008
Two Balls
And A Bat
- After being mentioned by gossip columns ass a factor in Alex
Rodriguez's
divorce, Madonna decided not to attend the All-Star Game at Yankee
Stadium.
* Even though she knew everyone was going just to see her.
* Although having thousands of hot dogs thrown at her would be like one
of her
dreams coming true.
* Just as well: by the time that game was over, she would've needed
another
facelift.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
July 16, 2008
PBS plans to
air Ian McKellan's acclaimed stage performance of Shakespeare's "King
Lear," but there's some controversy over whether they'll air his
full-frontal nude scene, which is meant to illustrate the aged King's
physical
deterioration... Really? Ian thought he looked pretty hot...
They're afraid
it'll give Larry King ideas.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
July 15, 2008
Knoxed
Up –
Saturday in Nice, France, Angelina Jolie gave birth to a twin brother
and
sister named Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. Baby name experts say
we can
now expect a wave of babies named Knox and Vivienne, the same way the
name
Shiloh burst into the top 100 baby names after Pitt and Jolie had their
last
baby.
* But Shiloh
is SO over.
* I guess
we're lucky they didn't name the twins Tweedledee and Tweedledum.
* The babies
weighed about six pounds each, half of that lips.
* You have no
idea how disappointed Hugh Hefner was that they weren't twin sisters.
***************************************************************
Monday, July 14, 2008
Imprisoned Jamaican
gang leader Tesha Miller could be charged with possessing contraband
after
jailers searched his cell for a suspected mobile phone, found nothing,
and as
they were leaving, heard ringing coming from up his rear end...Well,
it's
always the last place you look...The jailers all looked at each other
and said,
"Well, isn't somebody going to get that?"...Ironically, his ringtone
was a George Michael song.
***************************************************************
Friday,
July 11, 2008
Barack Obama
said he regrets letting "Access Hollywood" interview his 10- and
7-year-old daughters, that they shouldn't have been put in the
spotlight, and
he won't allow it again... He referred reporters to their MySpace
pages...From now on, it's the "Today Show" or nothing!... You
should've heard what they said about him when they thought the mic
wasn't
on!...Here he is trying to distance himself from liberalism, and his
kids go on
TV and say they believe in Santa Claus!
***************************************************************
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The One
With The Giant Ego -
Several cast members of "Friends" denied a Daily Mail
report that the success of the "Sex & The City" movie has
convinced them to make a "Friends" reunion movie. Matthew Perry and
David
Schwimmer said they know nothing about it, and Jennifer Aniston's rep
questioned why she would have any interest in revisiting her sitcom
past.
* Not when she's setting the box office ablaze with movies
like...Uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh.....
* Matt LeBlanc says he'll do it! Heck, he'd do a "Joey" reunion
movie!
***************************************************************
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Polish Up
That Nobel Prize! - The
University of Tampere in Finland studied 1,000 older men for five
years and found that the best way to avoid sexual problems is to have
lots of
sex. The more often men age 55 to 75 had sex, the less likely they were
to
suffer erectile dysfunction. Older men who had sex 3 or more times a
week were
four times less likely to suffer ED than men who had sex less than once
a week.
A researcher said sexual health might simply be a matter of having to
"use
it or lose it."
* Although that might not be the best pickup line.
* If you're 75 and still having sex more than 3 times a week, I'm
amazed you
haven't used it until you've worn it off.
* However, older men who had sex 3 or more times a week were four times
more
likely to throw their backs out.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
July 8, 2008
Madame
Tussaud's Wax Museum in Berlin sparked complaints by adding a statue of
Hitler
in his bunker. Just minutes after the museum opened Saturday, a German
man
pushed two guards aside, ran up and ripped off Hitler's head...Jeez,
where
was this guy in 1936? If they'd done it then, they wouldn't have
anything to be
so touchy about now...They're not sure it was a political statement: he
did the
same thing to the Ben Affleck statue.
***************************************************************
Friday, June 27, 2008
Giddy-Upchuck
- Rolling
Stone is so giddy over Barack Obama, the new issue features no
headlines on the
cover, just the magazine's name and a huge headshot of a grinning
Obama. But
some wags noted that Obama's head covers part of the magazine’s name,
so his
photo seems to be captioned, "Roll...one."
* The unofficial slogan of Rolling Stone.
* That could explain the staff's giddiness.
* Some of the letters are obscured by Obama's golden halo.
* They'd never do that for McCain, even though he's actually old enough
to be
a Rolling Stone.
***************************************************************
Thursday,
June 26, 2008
John McCain's
former Viet Cong jailer claimed that McCain is lying about being
tortured, and
that no American POWs were ever tortured in Vietnam; but he said he'd
still
vote for McCain if he could... Darn! He was so close to getting his
own blog
at the Huffington Post, then he blew it at the end!
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
June 25, 2008
Boy George had
to cancel his summer North American tour after he was denied a visa
because
he's facing charges in Britain of assaulting and chaining up a male
escort...Once
again, the anti-terrorist laws protect America from an unwanted
invasion...Britain barred Martha Stewart and America barred Boy George.
I'd say
they're now exactly even...This could be the big comeback opening
Andrew
Ridgeley has been waiting for!...Now let's see if there's something in
the
Federal Wildlife Act that will keep a Flock of Seagulls from coming
back.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
June 24, 2008
That's
A Job For Licensed Physicians - Florida Health Department agents in
Miami arrested
Anthony Donnell Solomon for providing health care services without a
license.
They say they learned that Solomon was hiring himself out for "pumping
parties," where women would get together for a party, and he would
inject
silicone into their butts to make them bigger. They trapped him by
setting up a
fake party and waiting for him to offer to inject an undercover
detective's
butt.
* His lawyer
claims that was just a really, really bad pickup line.
* I wonder how
many guys in Miami showed up for the butt-pumping party, not even
knowing it
involved silicone?
* Women think
their butts are too small because terrified men keep assuring them that
they
don't look big.
***************************************************************
Monday,
June 23, 2008
Not On My Bucket List - The cable channel G4 is
planning a new reality series called "Hurl" in which contestants
gorge themselves, then are spun on a centrifuge and the last one to
vomit wins.
The producer said it’s no worse than what fraternity boys do and is
“more
wholesome and uplifting than any dating show you'd care to make."
* And it's less likely to make viewers vomit than "The Bachelorette."
* Well, I'll give him the "uplifting" part.
* That's right, the benchmark for wholesomeness on TV now is "things
fraternity boys do."
* Don't we already have a reality show about people who binge and
purge? It's
called "America's Next Top Model."
***************************************************************
Friday,
June 20, 2008
Comes Free
With Your "Johnny Human Torch" Costume - South Australian
officials have banned a toy called the Fire Footbag. It's a small
fire-resistant bag that can be soaked in flammable liquid, ignited, and
kicked
around like a hacky-sack. Consumer Affairs Minister Jennifer Rankine
said it
"essentially becomes a flaming missile which presents extreme safety
risks," and making it available "to children or anyone else is absurd
and unacceptable."
* So we'll just have to keep soaking our hacky-sacks in kerosene.
* If you want to experience the same effect, get a couple of tennis
balls, soak
them in lighter fluid, and then set your balls on fire.
* It's from Hasbro's new "Penn & Teller" toy line.
* Still, they had to admit that "Flaming Firebag" would be a great
nickname for someone you don't like.
***************************************************************
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Cook Raymundo
Flores was charged with petit larceny Tuesday after co-workers at
Junior's
Restaurant in Brooklyn, New York, called 911 to report that they'd
found frozen
lobster tails Flores had allegedly hidden down his pants...So you
might want
to avoid the lobster tail at Junior's for awhile...They also found a
case of
crabs in there...He tried it once before with live lobsters and swore,
"Never again!"
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
June 18, 2008
The Mustachioed People In Gowns Are Just
Bridesmaids - The head of
the L.A. Gay
and Lesbian Center is urging same-sex couples to keep their weddings
mainsteam
and tasteful. Lorri L. Jean warned gay and lesbian couples that any
freaky
images will be used to boost support for a Constitutional amendment
vote to ban
gay marriage. One hair stylist who is planning to marry his longtime
boyfriend
said he knew just what she meant: no "guys showing up in gowns."
* At least not strapless.
* And if a guy does show up in a gown, no jokes about how it's a "Vera
Wang."
* Actually, she meant no giant wedding cakes with two live, nude
Chippendale
dancers on top.
* This advice was strongly opposed by every wedding planner in
California.
***************************************************************
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Marked For
Greatness -
Between midnight Thursday and midnight Friday at Elm Street Tattoo in
Dallas,
tattoo artist Oliver Peck set a new Guinness World Record by completing
415
tattoos in 24 hours. Since it was Friday the 13th, everyone got the
same
tattoo: the unlucky number 13, which Peck tattooed onto arms, legs,
backs,
thighs, ankles, butts and other places.
* I assumed that one really unlucky guy got it tattooed onto him 415
times.
* He could've done twice as many if he'd just waited until July 1.
* The people who went along with this must've set a new world record
for being
drunk.
* Now, the people who got them are planning to set a new record for the
most
tattoos removed in 24 hours.
***************************************************************
Monday,
June 16, 2008
Nothing
Left To Put In It - Japanese
designer
Ginza
Tanaka
has
unveiled
the
world's
most
expensive
purse.
It's
a
small
clutch
bag
that
can
double
as
a
necklace,
and
it's
made
of
platinum
studded
with
over
2,000
diamonds
and
priced
at
$2
million.
The
purse
is
touted
as
the
ultimate
accessory
for
the woman
who has
everything.
* No, that would be a man who can afford to buy it for her.
* If she really has everything, she's going to need a much bigger
purse.
* According to "Sex & The City," this is the kind of purse that
journalists carry.
***************************************************************
Friday, June 13, 2008
What A
Performance! - In an
apparent slap at the writers of "Grey's Anatomy,"
Katherine Heigl had her name removed from contention for an Emmy
nomination.
She told nominators, "I did not feel that I was given the material this
season to warrant" a nomination.
* And she was afraid they'd give her an Emmy anyway if she didn't stop
them.
* She deserves an Emmy just for pretending to be humble.
* After what the writers have planned for her now, she’ll deserve one
next
year.
***************************************************************
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Scientists
have discovered some macaque monkeys in Indonesia that scoop up small
fish in
their hands and eat them, making them the first monkeys ever known to
go
fishing...That's nothing: parrots tell fish stories...The gay
monkeys take
fishing trips together...Scientists believe that once monkeys developed
the
ability to go fishing, they quickly developed the ability to lie, and
that's
when they evolved into men.
***************************************************************
Wednesday,
June 11, 2008
Jessica Alba
gave birth over the weekend to a baby girl named Honor, and Tori
Spelling gave
birth Monday to a daughter named Stella...So Honor will have a less
attractive sidekick... Jessica wants her daughter to grow up to be a
Bond
girl... The name "Honor" was her husband's idea: from the first
second he saw Jessica Alba, all he could think of was getting Honor.
***************************************************************
Tuesday,
June 10, 2008
Eliza,
Fetch