The
Comedy
Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura
Ainsworth
Joke
of the Day!
If you enjoy The Comedy Wire, you'll love
Pat & Laura's book, "Nine
Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers,"
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***************************************************************

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the photo!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Really Mad Max - The
public seems to be incredibly forgiving of celebrity bad behavior. A
new "60 Minutes"/Vanity Fair poll of 847 random American adults found
that 80 percent of men and 72 percent of women said they'd have no
problem with seeing a Mel Gibson movie, despite his alleged
foul-mouthed, racist, drunken, threatening phone rants against his
girlfriend.
* Although they would prefer that it be a silent movie.
* Especially if he's playing a foul-mouthed, violent, racist
drunk...He'd be so realistic!
* However, they do not want to see him star in a sequel to "What Women
Want" called "What Bitches Deserve."
**************************************************************
Thursday, September 2, 2010
"U SAID I'd Get $30!" -
Monday in Virginia, former Eastern Virginia Medical School researcher
Adrienne Boothe was convicted of sperm donation fraud. Her department
gets grant money from USAID, a program that collects sperm donations
for analysis. Boothe was supposed to pay donors $30 per sample, but
prosecutors say she falsified donor reimbursement claims and kept the
money for herself. Over seven years, she stole $150,000 from sperm
donors.
* The sperm donors feel really jerked around.
* It's so unfair! They gave sperm 5,000 times and got nothing out of the experience!
* Oh come on, they're men! Like they wouldn't
have looked at porn and touched themselves if they hadn't been paid!
**************************************************************
Wednesday,
September
1,
2010
Giant Underpants! -
Men might be happy that "Mad Men" has brought female curves back in
style, but they won't be so happy that it's also causing a surge in
sales of "granny panties." A spokeswoman for a British lingerie maker
said women wanted "more coverage in their underwear" beneath their
micro miniskirts and summer shorts. She says G-strings can't give you
the "Mad Men" look of accentuated curves; for that, you need
high-waisted, full-coverage, old-style panties that pull in your waist.
But she said they must be snug, not saggy, because you don't want to
look like you threw on "nana's curtains."
* That's now known as the "Don Drapery" look.
* That would give your boyfriend the "Really Mad Man" look.
* On the bright side, imagine how many dollar bills lap dancers will be
able to tuck into those.
* Cheer up, guys: in a couple of years, "Mad Men" will reach the
mid-'60s, and the women will burn their bras.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
But When They’re Frustrated,
They Eat Cheesecake - According to a new survey by the
Nutrisystem diet company, many Americans would give up just about
anything to lose 10 to 20 pounds. A third of respondents confessed to
being self-conscious about their bodies. Many said they would give up a
job promotion, throw away their cell phones or stop watching TV in
exchange for having a toned stomach. And 52 percent of the women polled
said they would rather give up sex for an entire summer than gain 10
pounds.
* Or one ounce.
* What moron told them that having sex would make them gain 10 pounds?
* Of course, some of them are already so fat, the point is kinda moot.
* Americans would give up anything to lose weight, except food.
* Most men plan to spend
their summers having sex and gaining 10 pounds.
**************************************************************
Monday, August 30, 2010
Does He Prefer 30 Years Or 15?
- 23-year-old Joshua Lee Campbell, a workerr at RANLife Home Loans
mortgage company in Salt Lake City, is facing felony charges for
allegedly shooting the company's computer server while drunk. He called
police to claim the damage was done by someone who stole his 45-caliber
automatic. However, acquaintances told them that he'd been drinking
earlier and talking about wanting to shoot the $100,000 computer
server.
* Although to be fair, everyone at the company talked about wanting to
do that every day.
* Apparently, everybody who works at mortgage companies starts drinking
at 9 a.m. these days.
* Are they sure it was his gun? All mortgage companies keep a .45
around the office now, in case anyone wants to kill himself.
**************************************************************
Friday, August 27, 2010
Abusing Crack -
Colondra Hamilton of Elmwood Place, Ohio, might have set a new
benchmark for distracted driving. She was cited on several charges
after police pulled her car over for an equipment violation and found
her with her pants unbuttoned and a sex toy in her lap. She reportedly
told them she'd been using it while driving and watching a video on a
computer her passenger was holding. They didn't say what the video was.
They also found her in possession of a broken crack pipe.
* Don't even ask what she was doing with it when she broke it.
* Also, she was sexting.
* They didn't want to admit that she was watching a David Hasselhoff
video, because that would've been too embarrassing.
* She told police that her equipment was working just fine.
**************************************************************
Thursday, August 26, 2010
As Art, It Blows - On
September 24th, Guernsey's Auction House in New York will give bidders
the chance to own a piece of the Statue of Liberty's nose. It's a
2-foot-long copper nose tip left over from the Statue's restoration in
the 1980s, and is one of four created as potential replacements. One is
now on the Statue, one was destroyed, and the third is owned by a
private collector. An auction spokesman said, "It's the tip of the nose
with the area around the nostrils. It doesn't sound like it would be,
but it's fairly attractive looking."
* It would be even more so without the realistic-looking nasal hair.
* The Roman nose was destroyed; this is the cute, Heidi Montag "Barbie"
nose.
* You can put it in your living room, to welcome huddled masses of
guests, yearning to breathe free.
* Once again, we're reminded of what a tragedy it is that Michael
Jackson's no longer around to buy stuff.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
They Think "Bach" Is What The
Terminator Said He'll Be - A basic knowledge of classical
composers used to be part of everyone's education, but no more. A
Reader's Digest survey of over 1500 Britons found that while 61 percent
say they like at least some classical music, most people have no idea
who wrote it. 75 percent didn't know that British composer Edward Elgar
wrote "Pomp and Circumstance," the music heard at every graduation
ceremony, and a quarter didn't even know Elgar was a composer at all.
Most people not only couldn't tell Tchaikovsky from Vivaldi from
Rossini, but four percent identified Bocconcini as a classical
composer. It's actually a type of cheeseball from Italy.
* Yeah, well, so was Rossini...
* You'd think that today's music fans would at least know every popular
cheeseball.
* Come on, people! Rossini wrote the opera, "The Barber of Seville,"
made famous by Bugs Bunny!
* People used to at least know Rossini's "William Tell Overture" as the
Lone Ranger Theme, but now they don't even know the Lone Ranger.
* 96 percent of current high school students think Beethoven is a St.
Bernard.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
No, It's The Harold Lloyd
Condom! For Risky Sex! - Warner Brothers is suing the Swiss
company Magic X, claiming that a condom they make infringes Warner's
copyright by resembling Harry Potter. The packaging shows a condom
waving a magic wand and wearing round-rimmed glasses. The company's
attorney insisted, "Our product has nothing to do with Harry Potter."
But a Warner lawyer said, "The image of my client is in danger. This is
clearly a reference to the film and fictional character Harry Potter.
Everyone who sees the condoms automatically thinks of Harry Potter."
* If you see any condom and think of Harry Potter, you need to call a
psychiatrist.
* You're supposed to think of your own wand.
* The box even says that if you don't use this condom, your penis could
end up feeling like it was dipped in a goblet of fire.
* If you wear this condom, you can avoid getting genital hogwarts.
**************************************************************
Monday, August 23, 2010
Let Them Eat Beans -
Last
week
in
Illinois,
voters
at
a
town
hall
for
big-spending
Democratic
Rep.
Mellissa
Bean
were
angered
when
she
introduced a guest
speaker to offer them tips for how to deal with the bad economy by
living within their means.
* Gwyneth Paltrow.
* Of course, she didn't hang around to listen.
* They referred her to a speaker who could tell her how to live IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!!
**************************************************************
Friday, August 20, 2010
Crib Notes - Beloit
College has released its annual Mindset List, to help college
instructors know what references the 18-year-old freshman class does
and doesn't understand. This year's freshmen were born in 1992. That
means they've never seen a phone with a cord or worn a wristwatch. In
their lifetimes, Leno and Letterman have always been on opposite each
other; TV has always included hundreds of channels; John McEnroe has
never played tennis; and Congress has always had a negative approval
rating. And to them, Nirvana is classic rock, and Kurt Cobain has been
dead since they were two.
* But they do know Courtney Love as that crazy bitch who screams for a
living, so some things never change.
* And for them, oral sex has NEVER been
sex.
* For all of Joan Rivers' lifetime, Congress has had a negative
approval rating.
* Some wear wristwatches, but only the ones who watch "Mad Men."
* The first class they should sign up for is history, so they can learn
everything that happened in the world before
Dan Quayle misspelled "potato."
**************************************************************
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Dutch Treat - British
taxpayers were outraged after learning that a $750 million (US$)
program set up to "empower" disabled people is paying for a 21-year-old
man with learning disabilities to fly to Amsterdam and have sex with
prostitutes. Speaking on condition of anonymity, his social worker
described him as an angry, frustrated virgin who deserves to have a
holiday and experience sex; and said that denying it would be a
violation of his human rights," adding, "Wouldn't you prefer that we
can control this, guide him, educate him, support him to understand the
process and ultimately end up satisfying his needs in a secure,
licensed place where his happiness and growth as a person is the most
important thing?"
* No.
* The world is full of angry, frustrated virgins, but I'm not paying to
fly them all to "Star Trek" conventions.
* I can think of a social worker who needs to experience a long
vacation.
* If he wants to know what it feels like to get screwed, let him become
a taxpayer.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Eco-Scare Crow -
TheSmokingGun.com got hold of a copy of super eco-activist Sheryl
Crow's concert rider. Among the things she demands of promoters:
biodegradable, non-petroleum-based cups and dinnerware, locally-grown
organic produce, water "sourced from a local spring water vendor,"
light bulbs replaced with compact fluorescent bulbs, power provided by
a local green energy producer, organic coconut water and organic dark
chocolate ("VERY important"), and paper towels, napkins and toilet
paper all made of 100 percent recycled materials. Hopefully, this will
offset the CO2 created by her two 45-foot band buses and two
tractor-trailer trucks full of equipment.
* Plus another truck to haul in all her dark chocolate.
* That's why she only allows the band to use one square of recycled
toilet paper.
* It's always fun for promoters in Milwaukee to find locally-produced
coconut water.
* It's identical to Al Gore's rider, except he has a third truck full
of porn.
* If you really want to help save the Earth, go see a local AC/DC cover
band instead.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Good At Describing Pussies -
The
Houston
Chronicle
reports
that
local
DJ
Suzi
Hanks
of
The
Eagle
107.5
FM
is
a
volunteer
for
a
radio
station
that
reads
magazines
to
the
blind.
She
started
out
with "Cat Fancy," but when the guy who read
Playboy got married and his wife made him quit, she grabbed the gig.
She not only reads the articles, jokes and Playmate data sheets, she
also describes the photos in detail. Hanks says she'll say, "''She's a
tall brunette with long hair that falls between her breasts...She is
arching her butt over a bale of hay.' I'll say if she has large breasts
or small breasts, piercings or tattoos. I'll describe her genitalia.
Some of those girls are pretty creative. I take my time describing the
girls." She said, "Hey, blind guys like pretty, naked girls, too" so
she's giving them what they want.
* Then why would she EVER tell
them
that
the
girl
has
small
breasts?!
* Like, if the Playmate is 25, she says she's 19.
* You'd think that would bore them, because to blind guys, all girls are pretty and naked.
* Reading "Cat Fancy" made her an expert at describing things that
stretch and arch their butts.
* She describes her job as "the blonde leading the blind."
**************************************************************
Monday, August 16, 2010
Doin’ It Doggy-Style -
Gary Guy Matthews of Green Tree, Pennsylvania, dresses in a dog costume
for conventions and parties, and he's involved with "furries," a
subculture of people who get their thrills from getting together while
dressed as animals. So he petitioned a judge to legally change his name
to "Boomer the Dog," after the hero of a short-lived 1980s TV series
about a heroic shaggy mutt. Matthews says his friends already call him
Boomer, and his parents had even warmed to the idea before they died.
But the judge rejected the request because it might cause “confusion in
the community" and raise the "likelihood of unintended consequences."
* For example, he might have to be neutered.
* His parents seemed to be warming up to the idea, right up until the
day they died of
embarrassment.
* Good thing his favorite show wasn't "Lassie"…Then he’d be both a
furry and a transvestite.
* He realized he was like this when he got sexually excited while
watching the Dog Whisperer.
**************************************************************
Friday, August 13, 2010
Self-Fulfilling Prophecy - The
Moscow Times reports that a man in Kemerovo, Russia, became furious
when a gypsy fortune teller told him that she saw a prison stay in his
future. He attacked her, but she was able to escape. He was arrested
for assaulting her, but then he stabbed two witnesses to death. He was
just sentenced to 22 years in a maximum security prison.
* And the gypsy woman said, "See?"
* Wow, that's amazing...Why didn't she warn the witnesses?
* She told him that on the bright side, she predicts he'll soon be
getting a lot more sex.
**************************************************************
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Toast Of The Town - The
makers of Pop-Tarts are tired of getting no respect, so they are
fighting back by opening a restaurant in Times Square called "Pop-Tarts
World." It offers an hourly light show that simulates frosting, a
create-your-own-variety-pack vending machine, computers that connect to
Pop-Tarts video games and a social media site, and a Pop-Tart
café. A spokesman said, "People say, 'Well, what can you really
do with a Pop-Tart?' Our chef has come up with amazing concoctions."
They include Pop-Tarts Sushi, which is three kinds of Pop-Tarts minced
and then wrapped in a fruit roll-up; Ants on a Log (celery, peanut
butter and chunks of Wild Grape Pop-Tarts); and the Fluffer Butter, two
frosted fudge Pop-Tarts with marshmallow spread between them.
* Soon to be sold at the State Fair of Texas, battered and deep-fried.
* They should open one of these in L.A., where marijuana is legal now.
* At this restaurant, you can gain 10 pounds just watching the light
show.
* It's a great place to go for dessert after you dine at La Maison de
Hot Pockets.
* Times Square used to be filled with places that had names like
"Pop-Tarts World."
**************************************************************
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Can I Do It Till I Need 3D Glasses? -
Some Hong Kong filmmakers are spending $3.2 million to make what they
say is the first 3D porn movie. It's based on a classic of Chinese
erotic literature, about a young man who is introduced to the erotic
world of a duke, but eventually realizes his ex-wife is the love of his
life, after experiencing "orgies, swinging and some very graphic sex
scenes" in 3D. But they'll have to hurry to the market to beat the
competition: an Italian director is planning a 3D remake of "Caligula"
and Hustler plans to release a pornographic 3D spoof of "Avatar."
* It's called "Blue Balls."
* The erotic adventurer's ex-wife will be played by Sandra Bullock.
* I don't know if I want the things they show in a porn movie to fly
off the screen and into my face.
* When I first heard about "Up," I thought it was the first 3D porn
movie.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The Only Toddler Who Prefers
White Milk To Chocolate - Last week, a New Jersey appeals court
ruled that Heath and Deborah Campbell of Philipsburg should not regain
custody of their three small children. They were seized by the state
last year after a ShopRite store refused to decorate a birthday cake
with their son's name: Adolf Hitler Campbell. His sisters are Honszlynn
Hinler Jeannie and JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell. The court sent the
case back to family court for further study. The dad, who has several
swastika tattoos and wears Nazi boots, says they intended nothing but
to show that in America, you're free to name your child whatever you
want. The mom added that little Adolf is a normal three-year-old and
"It's not like he's growing up to be a killer or nothing like that."
* But he did invade his sisters' room and annex their Malibu Dream
House.
* Wow, he must be quite a disappointment to them.
* It's true; they weren't even going to get him his first swastika
tattoo until he was four.
* Last Christmas, he asked Santa for Poland.
* They're not unfit parents because they're nazis; they're unfit
parents because they name their kids like Hollywood actors do!
**************************************************************
Monday, August 9, 2010
Their Teeth Are Yellow By Age
8 - A poll of British men by Mintel Research found that men are
more bothered by the idea of turning gray than going bald. The poll
found that 45 is the age when men start worrying about looking old, and
75 percent worry about going gray while only half worry about losing
their hair. Their next biggest worry is unwanted hair in the ears and
nose, followed by getting fat and yellowing teeth. But despite their
worries about aging, they don't do much about it. Over a third of men
use as few personal care and anti-aging products as possible, another
31 percent have no interest in toiletries at all, and those numbers
actually rise as men get older.
* Along with the number of lesbians.
* They get so much hair in their noses, they can't smell themselves.
* Ninety percent of British men don't even brush their teeth.
* Men start to worry about looking old at 45, then give up caring at
46.
* By the time they're 70, there are three women for every man, so who
gives a damn?
**************************************************************
Friday, August 6, 2010
And $50 Billion To Study Why
America Is Broke - Republican Sens. Tom Coburn and John McCain
released a report called "Summertime Blues," the 100 most wasteful
spending projects in the $862 billion stimulus bill. They questioned
how jobs were created or the economy stimulated by spending such as:
Over $500,000 to replace the windows on the Mt. St. Helens volcano
visitors center, which is closed...$300,000 to study whether integral
yoga can reduce the severity of hot flashes...and $71,623 to Wake
Forest University to study the effects of cocaine on monkeys, a project
the report calls "Monkeys Getting High for Science."
* But think of all the jobs it created for monkey coke dealers.
* The only thing that was stimulated was monkeys.
* That stimulated the economy because once the monkeys were on coke,
they started buying Armani suits and Dodge Vipers.
* You know the government is handing out too much money when even the
lab animals are doing coke.
**************************************************************
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Flock A Duck - Yale
researcher Patricia Brennan discovered that the maximum length of a
duck's penis depends on the other male ducks he hangs out with. She
found that a duck's male organ mostly wastes away at the end of
breeding season and grows back the next season. The length of the new
organ depends on how many other male ducks there are to compete with.
* With humans, having other males around just determines how big they claim it is.
* It just wastes away? So that's why Donald Duck doesn't bother to wear
pants.
* Does it really waste away, or do they just wear it away?
* If the duck is Jewish, does he have to get circumcised again every
year?
**************************************************************
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Hey, It's Cold In Alaska -
People.com reports that Bristol Palin has called off her engagement to
Levi Johnston again. Some tabloids initially claimed that it was
because Levi's ex-girlfriend has turned up pregnant. But she squashed
the suggestion that Levi is the father of her baby, saying that she
hadn't seen him since the 9th grade.
* And that was absolutely the last time he knocked her up.
* Levi can get a woman pregnant by just fantasizing about her while has
sex with someone else.
* Sarah Palin criticized Obama for not having the cajones to deal with
illegal immigrants, but after being around Levi, she should know that
cajones are overrated.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Don Rickles Should Replace
Simon - The latest rumor on the “American Idol” shakeup is that
Randy Jackson is staying; Kara Dioguardi is being fired; Steven Tyler
of Aerosmith will likely replace Simon Cowell, although P. Diddy was
lobbying for the job; and Ellen Degeneres is leaving to be replaced by
Jennifer Lopez at the same salary.
* Well, they're roughly equal in musical talent.
* J-Lo can tell young singers the secret to getting their music on
radio: payola.
* The last time J-Lo and P. Diddy were together, somebody got shot. So
this might be a great way to deal with bad singers.
* Kara Dioguardi says she doesn't know who Jennifer Lopez and P. Diddy
are as artists.
* Randy Jackson should be replaced with a tape loop of the word "dog."
**************************************************************
Monday, August 2, 2010
The Driver: Borat -
There are some worn-out tourist buses ferrying visitors around all over
the world, but this might set a record. Police in Berlin impounded a
Latvian tourist bus that had dangerously bald tires, faulty brakes and
a cracked windshield. The 67 tourists on board were told to find
alternate transportation. When police checked the odometer, they found
that the bus had 1.1 million miles on it (1.8 km). It only went to
999,999 and had rolled over once. They said that's enough miles for it
to go to the moon and back twice, and then drive back to Latvia.
* In fact, that was the tour itinerary.
* What makes them think the odometer has only rolled over once?
* At least if it went to the moon, it wouldn't need brakes.
* Police sold it to a crooked used car salesman, who rolled the
odometer back to 600,000 miles.
**************************************************************
Friday, July 30, 2010
Really Impresses The Ladies -
55-year-old
Radha
Kant
Bajpai
of
Kanpur,
India,
already
holds
the
world
record
for
longest
ear
hair
at
5.2
inches,
but
he
says
he
wants
to
update
that
because
it's
now
11
inches.
A
relative
told
ANI
news,
"This
is
a
great
achievement.
At
first,
the
society
used
to
taunt
him
that
why
he
is
growing
his
ear
hair, he won't receive any record for this. I
used to tell them that one day he will get some result out of it. But
then by god's grace, Bajpai made a record, and the same people today
say that he has really achieved something in his life."
* They all tell him how proud they are, and he says, "What?!"
* Well, some people are born to greatness, and others have greatness
coming out their ears.
* The only thing his relatives have achieved in life is being related
to the guy with all the ear hair.
* They're even shooting a movie about him called "Slumdog Ear Hair."
**************************************************************
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Buy A Canyonero -
17-year-old Kacee Larson of Conrad, Iowa, has been nicknamed "The Deer
Magnet" because deer just keep running in front of her car. In the past
year, she's hit five deer while driving. The last one totaled her
minivan. Larson said she can't help asking, "Why me?" After the fourth
deer, her pastor's wife suggested that she start praying before she got
behind the wheel.
* I think it's the deer that should start praying.
* Her car insurance payments would've bankrupted her dad, if he didn't
get so much free meat.
* This doesn't even include the time she plowed through a drive-in
movie screen that was showing "Bambi."
**************************************************************
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Because Of The Slimes -
Last
Friday
in
St.
Louis,
the
rock
group
Kings
of
Leon
abandoned
an
outdoor
concert
after
just
three
songs
due
to
a
bombardment
of
pigeon
poop.
During
the
opening
song,
bassist
Jared
Followill,
who
calls
himself
a
"germophobe,"
was
bombed
in
the
face.
The
opening
bands
warned
them,
but
they
didn't
believe
it
could
be
that
bad.
But
Followill
called
it
"ridiculous"
and joked that "we must have caught
them right after a big Thanksgiving dinner."
* Either that or they're music critics.
* They should've hired Devo to play in their radiation suits.
* There hasn't been that much disgusting crap at a concert since the
last "American Idol" tour.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
So Manly It Comes In Hairy
Bottles - If drinking a Budweiser just isn't manly enough for
you, the Scottish brewer BrewDog has the answer. It's an ale called
"The End of History," billed as the world's strongest beer. It's 55
percent alcohol, stronger than whiskey or vodka, and they suggest
drinking it from a shot glass. It costs $750 (US) a bottle, and they've
make only 12 bottles of it. To the fury of animal rights activists,
each bottle comes inside a taxidermist-mounted animal. There are seven
stoats, four squirrels and one hare.
* Mel Gibson bought them all.
* They didn't even need formaldehyde to preserve these animals.
* This beer is a lot stronger than you'll be after you drink it.
* It also tastes like something that would come out of a dead squirrel.
**************************************************************
Monday, July 26, 2010
To Insanity And Beyond!
- Garage mechanic Steve Bolton of West Brommwich, England, is such a fan
of "Toy Story," he celebrated the release of "Toy Story 3" by legally
changing his name to Buzz Lightyear. He said he loves introducing
himself to people and signing autographs, and "my girlfriend is going
to love telling people she's going out with Buzz Lightyear."
* For about a week...then she'll tell him to buzz off.
* She thought he was named "Buzz" because he vibrates.
* His girlfriend would prefer a Woody.
**************************************************************
Friday, July 23, 2010
Hottest Spy Since Pussy Galore
- Anna Chapman, the hot redhead depoorted from America for being
a Russian spy, won't have to suffer in Siberia like previous failed
agents. These days, hotness trumps patriotism. She reportedly is
negotiating to sell her story for $250,000 and considering posing nude
in Playboy. Meanwhile, California porn producer Vivid Entertainment
wants her to star in an adult movie. They say she might not have been
very good at espionage, but she's "the hottest spy we've seen in
years," and the topless photos her ex-husband sold to the tabloids made
her a "high profile celebrity," like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian,
whose sex tapes have been marketed by Vivid.
* And like Paris and Kim, her goal was to destroy everything decent
America stands for.
* She's lucky she's not in Siberia...It's too cold there to take off
your clothes.
* Russia sent her here to undermine America's moral fiber, but too
late!
* Vivid figures she was a lousy spy, but she probably does great
under-cover work.
**************************************************************
Thursday,
July 22, 2010
Beauty, Eh? - To mark
Beauty Month, QVC-TV polled 2,000 men and women on the subject of
attractiveness and surprisingly, they said that youth isn't that
important. Two-thirds of the women agreed that "with age, comes
beauty," the same number said they care less about what others think of
their looks as they get older, and 51 percent said as they get older,
they shed their inhibitions and feel prettier. Most agreed that
confidence, style and personality were more important to attractiveness
than youth. And they thought women looked most beautiful at age 31.
* As long as they started getting Botox at 18.
* After 31, it's all downhill.
* Of course, that was the women respondents...The men all said 19.
* Young women can lose their beauty quickly, especially if they're
dating Mel Gibson.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
And It Was Doggy-Style! Yeah,
That's The Ticket! - Armand M. Pacher of Aventura, Florida, was
charged Friday with animal cruelty for allegedly having sex with
Christie Brinkley. Christie Brinkley is the name of his pet Great Dane.
He was reported by an employee in his vet's office, who said he'd
talked about having sex with the dog during a phone call about her eye
surgery. He could face up to five years in prison. His attorney says
Pacher was only joking.
* But police have a witness who's willing to talk: his parrot.
* Even if it is true, he's still the least kinky guy Christie
Brinkley's ever slept with.
* Christie has hysterical blindness, from seeing things no dog should
see.
* Joking with a vet about having sex with your dog is like telling Shoe
Bomber jokes at the airport.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
"...In Theory" -
CNSNews.com reports that the National Institutes of Health awarded a
$181,406 grant to a University of Kentucky researcher to study how
cocaine enhances the sex drive of Japanese quail. Asked how they could
justify that during a time of record deficits, an NIH spokesman said
the Japanese quail's sexual behavior has been well-studied and is
visually-oriented like humans', so this could yield useful information
about how STDs are spread through drug-related sexual behavior.
* Only if someone with an STD gets so coked up, he has sex with a
Japanese quail.
* At least, that's what they wrote on the grant application...and they
can't BELIEVE it worked!
* This study has already shown us how taking drugs affects the people
who award NIH grants.
* The researchers say they needed a lot of money because those Japanese
quail can really snort down a LOT of
cocaine.
**************************************************************
Monday, July 19, 2010
But Politics Is Showbiz For
Ugly People! - Romanian model Sanziana Buruiana wants to improve
Romania's image by forming a political party just for beautiful people.
Her platform is to tax obese people, hire only models in bikinis to
work as tour guides and make it illegal to tell "dumb blonde" jokes.
She said, "Anyone like that needs to be put in prison." Buruiana says
that electing the beautiful people's party and enacting that platform
would boost Romania's popularity as a tourist destination.
* Except only people from Brazil and Venezuela would be allowed to
visit.
* It worked: Heidi Montag already wants to move there.
* And imagine how much the economy will boom when everyone is fully
employed, manufacturing mirrors.
* She wants to outlaw blonde jokes because she never gets them.
**************************************************************
NOTE! This
page suffered a software glitch somewhere in June to mid-July.
Rather than wade through all the material to try to find it, we're just
cutting that out and skipping down to older samples. Hope this
fixes the problem!
Friday, May 28,
2010
Counter
Intelligence -
Marquis Marsh of Dallas, Texas, is in jail for allegedly trying to
steal six chicken nuggets. Police say he entered a Wendy's Sunday
night, jumped the counter, grabbed a 99-cent six-pack of nuggets, and
jumped back over the counter, knocking over the cash register. The
manager tried to stop him, and Marsh punched him several times. Police
caught him after a short foot chase, and he yelled at them, "I paid for
those nuggets!" He's now in jail for robbery on $3500 bond. Ironically,
when he punched the manager, he dropped the nuggets and never even got
to eat them.
* Also, ironically, his cellmate is
the Hamburglar.
* The good news: the jail serves free
chicken nuggets.
* The nuggets cost 99 cents, and
he'll be paying for them for 5 to 10
years...It's like charging them to a credit card.
**************************************************************
Thursday, May 27,
2010
Jug Wine -
Brandi
Smith of Gardnerville, Nevada, is facing charges of indecent exposure,
felony DUI and burglary after she allegedly stole a $20 bottle of wine
from a store while topless and drunk, then drove to a nearby fast food
restaurant with it. A blood alcohol test showed her at nearly twice the
legal limit. Smith admitted to the judge that her behavior was
"mind-boggling." * On the other hand, so was her police lineup.
* Topless shoplifting is illegal in
Gardnerville, but it's a way of
life in Las Vegas.
* I'm surprised they caught her,
since none of the male witnesses got a
good look at her face.
* If she were Lindsay Lohan, she'd
get off with a stern warning.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
The Edsel
Ford Of France
- 23-year-old French model Zoe Renault is tthreatening to sue the
carmaker Renault if they don't cancel plans to name a new model car the
Zoe. It's an electric car, and that stands for "zero emissions." Other
women named Zoe are also complaining, and Renault says the name isn't a
"definitive choice." Model Zoe Renault said she couldn't stand to be
associated with a car for the rest of her life, and constantly hear,
"Zoe's broken down" or "We need to get Zoe overhauled."
* Get used to it! Models start
hearing that by age 24!
* If she didn't want to be associated
with a crappy car, why didn't she
change her last
name?
* This lawsuit inspired Joan Collins
to sue Mercury for naming the
Cougar after her.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
They're
All Unethical, In
Theory - The Boston Herald
reports that the Massachusetts State
Ethics Commission has created an ethics test that all state employees
must pass, as part of a highly-touted ethics reform overhaul. And so
far, they all have passed it. It asks things like, can a highway
employee who's overseeing bids on a $3 million contract accept free
Patriots tickets from an applicant? Can a test giver take $100 from
someone to ensure he passes? And, can a state pharmacy regulator
investigate a complaint against a pharmacy that employs him on the
side? It's sparked complaints that it's such a no-brainer, anybody
could pass it.
* If he gave the test-giver $100...
* Well, anybody but a Congressman.
* That's not true: the only reason
they all passed it is that they all
cheated.
* If you flunk it, don't worry: the
federal government is hiring.
**************************************************************
Monday, May 24,
2010
Monkeys
Like It Doggie-Style -
Duke University researchers discovered that male rhesus monkeys will
"pay" by giving up part of their fruit juice, just to look at photos of
socially dominant males and the hindquarters of females. Not
surprisingly, they'll pay more to look at female rears and stare at
them longer. In fact, the study author said, "Virtually all monkeys
will give up juice to see female hindquarters. They really value the
images."
* Hey, they're monkeys, not monks.
* Female orangutans are the J-Lo's of
the monkey world.
* This is why guys who are apemen
also tend to be assmen.
* About five percent will pay juice
to see the hindquarters of socially
dominant male monkeys.
**************************************************************
Friday, May 21, 2010
Gives New
Meaning To "Rip This
Joint" - The record industry
probably isn't pleased with Mick
Jagger. He told the BBC that he's not concerned about fans downloading
music for free. Jagger said that aside from a brief, 25-year period,
the Rolling Stones didn't make any money off their records because
"record companies wouldn't pay you. They didn't pay anyone!" So he
doesn't care if file sharing costs them money.
* Only someone as old as Mick Jagger
would call a 25-year period
"brief."
* But if record companies go out of
business, who will cheat the
artists out of their royalties?!
**************************************************************
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Make It
Snappy - A
shopping center in Guangzhou, China, is getting flak for hosting a
bra-unhooking contest. Eight women lined up on a stage, wearing only
bras and face masks above the waist, while men behind them took turns
at going from one to another, seeing how many bras they could unhook
with one hand in under a minute. There was no actual breast exposure,
and the organizer said it was to promote "underwear awareness." He
noted that "the workings of a woman's bra are a mystery for many men,"
and the contest "helped more people understand bra culture and explore
its secrets." But one angry shopper called it a "degrading spectacle"
that "must have been the brainwave of a dirty old man." Ironically, the
contest was won by a woman, who undid all eight bras in 21 seconds.
* Even more amazing, she did it by
reaching around from the front.
* That's not fair: she'd had a LOT more
practice
than
any
of
those
guys.
* That still leaves one question:
What was Ellen DeGeneres doing in
Guangzhou, China?
* You could spot the nerds; when
they'd finally get a bra unhooked,
they'd shout, "Release the Kraken!!"
**************************************************************
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
A Fog Of Words - If the
British seem to talk about the weather a lot, it's because they really
do. ICM polling surveyed over 2,000 British adults and found that for
58 percent, griping about the cold or speculating whether it will rain
is the first thing they talk about with strangers or business
acquaintances. The subject of weather comes up more often than work,
TV, sports or gossip. They talk about it for an average of 49 hours a
year, which means Britons spend six months of their lives talking about
the weather.
* And the people they're talking to
spend six months of their lives
wishing they were dead.
* And so far, not a single one of
them has done anything about it.
* Not a surprise: every Hugh Grant
movie is like listening to an
Englishman talk about the weather for six months.
* And it can all be boiled down to
four words: "Think it'll rain?"
"Yes."
* They talk about two things: how
cold it is, and the dangers of global
warming.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Scottish student Elaine
McLuskey of Edinburgh Napier University
has invented a clear plastic helmet with openings at the ears that cuts
down background noise, so people can wear it and talk in noisy bars... Of course, if you
wear it, nobody is
going to talk to you...If you go into a Scottish bar at all, it's
probably a good idea to wear a helmet.
**************************************************************
Monday, May 17, 2010
The Energizer
Betty -
Facebook users want 88-year-old comedy icon Betty White to host the
Oscars, but Movieline.com has a better idea. They're lobbying for her
to host the AVN Awards for porn movies. They say that by combining the
sweetness of your favorite grandmother with the raunchy humor of your
least favorite uncle, Betty could really energize the AVNs, which are
given out to an audience of porn stars in Las Vegas. They offered other
suggestions as well, such as the Teen Choice Awards and the NAACP Image
Awards, but online voters overwhelmingly voted for Betty to host the
porn awards.
* She could even do it topless...At
this point, Vegas is willing to try
anything.
* It could work, as long as she
doesn't offer that crowd a free muffin.
* The AVNs already have an elderly,
curly-haired icon who pops up
everywhere: Ron Jeremy.
**************************************************************
Friday, May 14, 2010
That’s A
Lotta Wal-Mart
Greeters - The latest
casualty of the economic crash is the
yuppie dream of retiring early. People who used to think their bulging
401Ks would enable them to quit work at 50, play golf and travel the
world have had a rude awakening. A new Gallup poll finds that only 29
percent of Americans now expect to be able to retire before 65. The
majority now believe they'll have to keep working until they're 65 or
even older.
* On the bright side, this means 65
really is the new 45!
* They're still too optimistic: what
makes them think there'll be any
jobs for them?
* George Burns said that the day you
retire is the day you start dying,
so it's too bad yuppies can't retire early.
* The economic crisis has also killed
the dream of Greek civil servants
to retire at 35.
* It's ironic that the only person
who got to retire is Bernie Madoff.
**************************************************************
Thursday, May 13, 2010
It's
Almost Like Having A Real
Girlfriend! - If the
centerfold in the June Playboy looks out of
focus, don't worry: it's just printed in 3D. The magazine will include
3D glasses to view Miss June, Hope Dworaczyk. Hugh Hefner said he
wanted to get in on the 3D craze, and he asked himself, "What would
people most like to see in 3-D? Probably a naked lady." But Hef
admitted that 3D movies leave him cold. He said, "I leave real life to
go to the movies, and 2-D is fine with me."
* I thought he preferred triple-D to
double-D.
* Wow, poor Hugh Hefner; having to
flee to the movies to escape his
dull life.
* The 3D centerfold is kinda
scary...It's like she's going to put your
eye out with one of those things.
* When Playboy readers see that
out-of-focus picture, they'll think,
"Damn, it's true! Doing this does make
you
go
blind!"
**************************************************************
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Fine
French Whine - In
an international survey by Opinionway, the French were named the
world's biggest whiners. They openly embrace it: 72 percent of French
people believe they complain more than people in another nation. Only
17 percent of Italians think they're the biggest complainers, as do
four percent of Americans and three percent of Britons. Not only do
nearly three-quarters of the French admit they're the world's biggest
whiners, 27 percent said they actually found griping about things to be
relaxing.
* It's something they just have to
let out, like spit.
* They mostly complain about living
around all these other French
people who never stop whining.
* When people in other nations
complain, it's usually about the French.
* Hold on a minute: I think they're all
forgetting...the Greeks!
**************************************************************
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
The Lyin' Kings - After it
failed to score any Tony nominations, the British play "Enron" is
closing on Broadway. The play detailed the Enron financial scandal and
excoriated the executives who ripped off investors, complete with
musical numbers and Enron's debt represented by chorus members in
business suits and velociraptor heads. The play got poor reviews, it
ran on Broadway for just 22 previews and 15 performances, and closes at
a loss to investors of $4 million.
* Or was it $4 billion?...
* Those Enron investors don't seem so
moronic now, do they?
* They should've put their money into
something less risky, like the
stock market.
* Most people who wanted to see a
musical about Enron went to "Wicked"
by mistake.
**************************************************************
Monday, May 10,
2010
Mother's Little
Helper - The
Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board faced criticism over a radio ad
suggesting that people give their moms vodka for Mother's Day. It said,
"Treat her to the perfect Mother's Day cocktail this year. Try a
Mother's Kiss mixed drink, made with equal parts...strawberry kiwi
vodka and lemonade." One critic called it a dangerous, disappointing
promotion of drinking. But a Liquor Board spokesman said the ad just
enhances an "already wonderful celebration...It celebrates motherhood."
* Why, if it weren't for vodka, a lot
of women wouldn't even be mothers!
* It's also great for washing down
your prenatal vitamins.
* The "Single Mother's Kiss" is just
a tumbler of straight vodka.
* Let me just say this to the
do-gooders complaining: "You don't KNOW my mother."
**************************************************************
Friday, May 7, 2010
"Bones" star David Boreanaz admitted
that he cheated on his Playboy
Playmate wife while she was pregnant, and one of his affairs was with
one of Tiger Woods' mistresses...In
response, Fox has renamed his show, "Boned"...To be fair, if a man has
sex at all, it's probably with a woman who slept with Tiger Woods,
because there aren't many women left who haven't.
**************************************************************
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Yes, She's
A Donor -
Peruvian mom Julia Manihuari's post-pregnancy hormones made her breasts
balloon to an N-cup, so big and heavy she couldn't get up out of bed or
breathe. They were threatening to crush her lungs. After a six-hour
operation, surgeons removed 35 pounds of flesh from her breasts. She's
now a 34B and able to get out of bed again.
* Before, her husband wouldn't let
her out of bed.
* Doctors called the operation a
success, while her husband called it a
soul-crushing tragedy.
* Heidi Montag would've demanded size
N implants, if she'd known the
alphabet went that far.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, May 5, 2010 - Cinco de Mayo!
Mother's Little
Helper -
Police in Memphis, Tennessee, arrested a 28-year-old man for allegedly
stealing prescription antidepressants from his mother's bra. Police
said they found him hiding under a neighbor's SUV with 22 Xanax pills,
15 of them wrapped in toilet paper in his sock. His mom told police she
woke up before dawn to find her son stealing the Xanax from her bra,
where she kept it to keep him from stealing it.
* Well, at least he said that's
what
he
was
doing
with
her
bra...
* For the love of God, please tell me
she had the bra in her drawer and
wasn't wearing it at the time.
* Something tells me this kid is the
main reason she needs Xanax.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
"Get! Off! My!
PLANE!!" - At a
Capitol Hill aviation event, Harrison
Ford said he's an environmental activist but also a pilot, and he's
sick of environmentalists accusing him of destroying the planet because
he owns seven airplanes. Ford pointed out he only flies one of them at
a time. He added, "I'll start walking everywhere when they start
walking everywhere."
* Or in Al Gore's case, walking at
all.
* If anyone could fly seven planes at
once, it's Harrison Ford.
* He has one aircraft that's a hunk
of junk, but it once made the
Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.
* Why are so many environmentalists
from L.A., where nobody walks?
**************************************************************
Monday, May 3, 2010
Mike Tyson's
Sister - An
unnamed 24-year-old Lincoln, Nebraska, man learned a painful lesson in
manners. Police say he was arguing with some people at a party when he
told 21-year-old Anna Godfrey that she was fat. She allegedly responded
by tackling him and biting a chunk out of his right ear. Godfrey was
arrested on suspicion of felony assault. The man was taken to a
hospital. The ear chunk was never found.
* But the fat girl described it as
"delicious."
* Biting chunks out of obnoxious
people is how she got so fat.
* He learned never to say, "You want
a piece of me?" to a fat girl.
**************************************************************
Friday, April 30, 2010
AC/DC - A woman in Crestview,
Florida, called 911 to report that her estranged husband had gotten
drunk, removed an air conditioner from her bedroom window, climbed in
and was demanding sex. The couple had been separated for four days. He
allegedly told police that he had "not gotten any in three weeks, and
he was going to get some." He was handcuffed and taken to jail.
* ...where he got some.
* Hard to imagine how she could give
up a guy that charming.
* The only way this guy can make a
woman hot is to remove her air
conditioner.
**************************************************************
Thursday, April 29, 2010
They
Flopped - Another
modern technological advance is about to become as obsolete as dial
phones. Sony announced that they will no longer sell floppy discs after
next March. Apple already stopped putting floppy drives in computers in
1998, and PC World stopped selling floppies in 2007. Floppy discs have
been around for 30 years and were once considered amazing because they
held over 1.4 megabytes of information. Today, a small flash drive can
hold 64 gigabytes.
* Which, by next March, will just be
pathetic.
* But if computers don't have floppy
drives, how can I access my
catalog of 8-track tapes?
* Today, everyone has the capacity to
store trillions of words, but
nobody has anything interesting to say.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
After 24,
They Just Stop
Caring - UKDating.com polled
its British female members and
found that the average woman will date 24 men before finding the right
one. And the search isn't cheap. Men are still likely to pick up the
tab for dinner, but most women insist on going Dutch on the first date.
Between that and hair, new clothes, makeup, fake tan and other
expenses, a woman spends an average of $127 per date with an average of
24 men. It totals over $3,000 just to go out with on dates with guys
she'll reject.
* So at least pick a restaurant you
really like.
* That doesn't include all the wart
remover they have to buy after
kissing so many toads.
* $3,000 worth of hair dye, makeup,
Wonderbras and fake tans, all to
find that special man who'll love them for themselves.
* The 24 men spend a total of $144 on
condoms they never use.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
La Cage Aux Fool - A lot of
gay politicians have pretended to be straight to help their careers,
but in Pennsylvania's 182nd House District, incumbent Democrat Rep.
Babette Josephs accused her primary opponent, Gregg Kravitz, of lying
about being bisexual to appeal to the large local gay and bisexual
voting bloc. She told a crowd, "I outed him as a straight person, and
now he goes around telling people, quote, 'I swing both ways.'" Kravitz
insisted that he is attracted to both men and women, and called the
attack offensive. But one local gay rights leader said in an odd way,
it might be considered progress if someone has to pretend to be gay to
win a Congressional seat.
* Is that progress, or the plot from
an Adam Sandler movie?
* Maybe Kravitz could prove he's
bisexual to every voter, one at a
time, or in threesomes.
* I'd just like to have a
representative who's straight, as in "not a
criminal."
* In politics, swinging both ways is
known as "flip-flopping."
**************************************************************
Monday, April 26,
2010
The Gayest
Gays You've Ever
Seen Are In Seattle... - Three
bisexual men are suing the North
American Gay Amateur Athletic Alliance for discrimination. They all
played for the second place team in the 2008 Gay Softball World Series
in Seattle. But the rules say no team can have more than two non-gay
members. After the Series, they were each interrogated about their sex
lives in front of about 25 people and found to be not gay enough. They
were declared "non-gay," their team stripped of its prize, and it was
recommended that they be banned from the Series for a year. They say
the ruling violates Washington's discrimination laws, and they want it
overturned and $75,000 each for their emotional distress.
* If that's all the emotional
distress they felt, how gay could they
be?
* The officials say it's against the
rules for one player to play for
both teams.
* That wasn't an interrogation about
their sex lives; it was the
post-game locker room show.
* Boy, who do you have to sleep with
to prove to these people you're
gay?
* Obama wanted to throw out the first
pitch, but they decided his throw
was "too gay."
**************************************************************
Friday, April 23, 2010
Where Is
The Love? - Courtney
Love
isn't
Courtney
Love
anymore.
She
told
NME
magazine,
"Courtney
Love
is
dead.
We've
all
decided
we
don't
like
her
anymore.
We
love
her
when
she
goes
onstage,
but
I
don't
need
her
in
the
rest
of
my
life."
The
Hole
singer
said
she
wants
to
be
called
Courtney
Michelle
from
now
on,
a
shortened
form
of
her
real
name,
Courtney
Michelle
Harrison.
She
said,
"The
name
Courtney
Love
is
a
way
to
oppress
me."
* And yet, she still calls her band
"Hole."
* And the name Courtney Michelle is a
way to free her...from creditors.
* Also oppressed: Jennifer Love
Hewitt.
* Amy Winehouse is taking over the
name Courtney Love, because it will
improve her image.
**************************************************************
Thursday, April
22, 2010
I'm Sorry You're
So Neurotic -
When
a
woman
demands
an
apology,
you'd
better
give
it
to
her,
or
she
might
die.
A
University
of
Massachusetts
Medical
School
study
found
that
women
who
think
they're
owed
an
apology
for
rude
or
hurtful
behavior
can
suffer
an
increase
in
blood
pressure
that
could
raise
the
risk
of
heart
attack
or
stroke.
But
when
they
hear
an
"I'm
sorry,"
their
blood
pressure
drops
to
normal
20
percent
faster.
On
the
other
hand,
when
men
hear
an
apology,
they
take
it
as
an
admission
of
guilt,
it
gets
them
more
worked
up,
and
it
takes
their
blood
pressure
20
percent
longer
to
get
back
to
normal.
* What makes men feel better is
punching whoever apologized.
* Men's blood pressure also goes up
when they hear themselves giving an
apology they don't mean to some woman who demanded it.
* So if you really loved your wife,
you'd just apologize for
everything, all day long.
* If you don't give a woman an
apology, she'll find a way to give you a stroke.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, April
21, 2010
The Soylent Green
Cookbook -
Australia's Penguin Group publishing company had to recall and shred
7,000 copies of a cookbook called "Pasta Bible." The recipe for spelt
tagliatelle with sardines and prociutto was supposed to call for "salt
and freshly-ground black pepper," but it mistakenly reads
"freshly-ground black people." The publisher said it was obviously just
a silly typo in one recipe, and they have no idea why anyone would be
offended by it, but if you are, they'll give you another book.
* "The Idi Amin Cookbook."
* Jesse Jackson wants another book
and a billion dollars.
* Given the choice, I'd eat the
ground people before I'd eat the
sardines.
* They did catch one other typo: the
recipe should have called for "one
pound prosciutto," not to "pound one prostitute."
**************************************************************
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
That Panel
Is Out Of Its Tree
- 64-year-old British handyman Peter Aspinaall was asked to prune a
sycamore tree on the grounds of a hotel in Lancashire. So he leaned a
ladder against a branch 14 feet above the ground...and then sawed off
the branch. He was in the hospital for two weeks. He's now suing the
hotel after a health and safety panel ruled that they failed to carry
out a proper risk assessment on the dangers of pruning trees and should
have given Aspinall proper training on where to lean the ladder.
* What should they have done? Shown
him a Mr. Bean video?
* Well, they trained him on oaks,
maples and larch trees, but not
sycamores.
* The panel ruled that it wasn't
Aspinall's fault: he's a victim of
soicumstance!
* He learned about tree trimming from
Warner Brothers cartoons, so he
assumed the branch would stay up and the tree would fall.
**************************************************************
Monday,
April 19, 2010
When Does Miley
Cyrus Turn 18? -
Talk
show
host
Larry
King
has
filed
for
divorce
from
his
50-year-old
singer
wife,
Shawn
Southwick.
Both
are
citing
irreconcilable
differences.
This
is
King's
eighth
divorce
but
only
his
seventh
wife.
He
once
remarried
one
of
his
former
wives,
then
divorced
her
again.
* He forgot he'd already been married
to her.
* That was so long ago, there were
only three women on Earth, and he'd
already married all of them once.
* He marries women when they're 18,
then divorces them when they reach
50.
* They're just from two different
eras...She's from the disco era, he's
from the Mesozoic Era.
**************************************************************
Friday, April 16, 2010
Wooly
Bullies - Taser
International is reportedly doing experiments to see if Tasering people
who are high on drugs can give them heart attacks. To find out, lab
researchers are giving meth to sheep, then Tasering them.
* Actually, that's not part of the
experiment; that's just what lab
researchers do on Saturday night.
* Usually, they just give the sheep
roofies.
* After the sheep were zapped, one
researcher said, "What's that
burning smell?" and the other said, "Mutton, honey."
**************************************************************
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Don't See
Me, Feel Me...
- Canadian author Lisa Murphy has created aa new publishing market: porn
for blind people. Playboy has an edition for the blind with the
articles in Braille, but no photos. But Murphy's new book, "Tactile
Minds," features 17 raised, 3D erotic images, including a "male love
robot," a woman with "perfect breasts" and a naked woman in a "disco
pose." She says "the blind have been left out in a culture saturated
with sexual images," but now they can feel the photos in her book. But
it'll cost them $225 a copy.
* $225?! For that, you can get a real
live person to let you feel them!
* This gives new meaning to the term,
"Pop-up book."
* Not only do blind people not have
porn, they never even get to have
sex with the lights on.
* When I heard the Octomom had been
offered a porn contract, I figured
that would be the first porn for blind people.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Isn't That
A Speed Metal Band?
- In the "Twilight" movies,
Bella quotes Emily Bronte's classic
novel "Wuthering Heights," and compares her love for teen vampire
Edward to Cathy's passion for Heathcliff. It sparked a British
publisher to market a version of "Wuthering Heights" that read "Bella
& Edward's favorite book" on the cover. In one year, sales
quadrupled.
* But a lot of the books were
returned once "Twilight" fans realized it
was literature.
* Teenage girls thought "Emily
Bronte" was Miley Cyrus' pen name.
* The readers got frustrated when
Heathcliff kept going out onto the
moors, but he never turned into a werewolf.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Audrey's
"Personality" Wasn't
Big Enough - A poll by the
British magazine Radio Times showed
the difference between men and women. Asked to pick the greatest female
film roles of all time, men ranked Ursula Andress in her white bikini
in "Dr. No" as #1, followed by Sigourney Weaver in her underwear in
"Alien" and Carrie Fisher in the gold bikini in "Star Wars." For their
#1, British women picked Audrey Hepburn in "Breakfast at Tiffany's,"
followed by Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music," and at #3, Julie
Andrews again in "Mary Poppins."
* I think this explains why so
British men have such disappointing sex
lives.
* The only Julie Andrews movie men
could remember was the one where she
showed her boobs.
* Men tend to confuse roles with
costumes.
* Also, men would have given Halle
Berry her Oscar for the topless
scene in "Swordfish."
**************************************************************
Monday, April 12, 2010
Nose Job - Scientists
at Calgary University in Canada found that frequent sex can boost a
woman's sense of smell. Possibly because it releases a hormone that
helps women bond with their babies by smell.
* Unfortunately, once they have a
keener sense of smell, they get a lot
pickier about which men they'll have sex with.
* Once they can really smell those
diapers, they vow never to have sex
again.
* Question: What do scientists
know about about women who have
frequent sex?
**************************************************************
Friday, April 9, 2010
She Went
Out For A Ride And
Never Came Back - Arthur and
Ann Kelly of New Jersey officially
ended their marriage Tuesday, turning the divorce terms over to an
arbitrator, after Bruce Springsteen allegedly came between them. Arthur
is a high-paid mortgage broker and Ann is a 45-year-old mother of two
who works out at the same posh gym Springsteen uses. Although this has
never been officially confirmed, the Kellys claim that Ann became the
married rocker's mistress after Bruce reportedly told her she had the
"nicest ass" in the gym.
* In her defense, what 45-year-old
mother of two wouldn't find that
line irresistible?
* She just did whatever he
asked...After all, he's the Boss.
* Arthur got suspicious when every
time they had sex, at the peak of
passion, she'd cry out, "Brooooooooooooce!!!"
* If this guy's from New Jersey, I'm
surprised he didn't brag about it
to all his friends..."Guess what! The Boss is doin' MY wife! High five!"
* Usually, when a New Jersey marriage
breaks up, it's because the man is too much in love with Bruce
Springsteen.
**************************************************************
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Old
Sensations - The
latest trend in porn is X-rated parodies of old TV sitcoms like "The
Brady Bunch," but the most unlikely one yet is on the way. New
Sensations video announced that it has signed Puma Suede, Diamond Foxxx
and two other porn actresses to star in "The Golden Girls: An All-MILF
XXX Parody."
* Or in this case, great-grand-MILFs.
* "Bea Arthur" is really Ron Jeremy
in a wig and caftan.
* You won't believe what Blanche does
with the cheesecake in this
version.
**************************************************************
Wednesday, April
7, 2010
A Nip In
The Air -
Saturday in Portland, Maine, about two dozen women marched through town
topless to protest the double standard on nudity. The small group of
protesters was followed by hundreds of men, many with cameras to record
it for posterity. Ironically, police say nobody was arrested because in
Maine, the anti-nudity law only applies to people who show their
genitals, which means that legally, there is no difference between men
and woman going topless.
* But realistically, the difference
is that if two dozen shirtless men
walked through town, hundreds of women wouldn't bother to take
pictures.
* So thanks to the early April chill
in Maine, the protest was pointy,
but pointless.
* The only thing this proved is that
there are no tanning beds in
Maine.
* The men came out to show support
for women going without support.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
He'll Do
Hard Time For This -
Police
in
Madrid,
Spain,
detained
a
43-year-old
man
who
is
suspected
of
robbing
10
pharmacies
at
gunpoint.
They
say
in
each
robbery,
he
took
all
the
cash
in
the
register
and
every
box
of
Viagra
in
the
store.
They
suspect
he
planned
to
sell
them
on
the
black
market.
* If not, it should be obvious at the
police line-up.
* Oh come on! He's a 43-year-old
Spaniard!
* He gives new meaning to the name,
"Stick-Up Man."
* His lawyer is arguing that that was
NOT
a gun in his pocket.
**************************************************************
Monday, April 5, 2010
Jersey
Shore: Season II - Police
in
South
Brunswick,
New
Jersey,
are
looking
for
a
man
who
loves
his
Filet
O'
Fish
sandwiches
a
bit
too
much.
They
say
he
ordered
one
at
4:30
a.m.
He
got
impatient
that
it
was
taking
too
long
to
make
and
crawled
out
of
his
car
window
and
into
the
drive-thru
window.
He
yelled
at
the
clerk,
shoved
him
against
the
wall
and
slapped
his
face.
He
then
grabbed
his
fish
sandwich,
told
the
clerk,
"I'll
be
waiting
for
you
when
you
get
off
work,"
walked
out
and
drove
away.
Despite
his
threat,
he
never
came
back.
* He must've finally tasted that fish
sandwich.
* I think we've found the one guy on
Earth who goes to McDonald's just
for the fish sandwich.
* So much for fish being brain food.
* Did he ever consider that the guys
who work there at 4:30 a.m. had
never made
a fish sandwich
before?
**************************************************************
Friday, April 2,
2010 - Good
Friday! Happy Easter!
A Los Angeles judge ruled that a man
who has been stalking Ben Affleck
and wife Jennifer Garner is legally insane...At least he is when
he's stalking Ben
Affleck.
**************************************************************
Thursday, April 1,
2010 - April Fool
Story!
He
IS...The Weakest Link -
Bristol
Palin's
baby
daddy
Levi
Johnston
is
trying
to
extend
his
15
minutes
of
fame
by
pitching
his
own
reality
show
to
compete
with
Sarah
Palin's
that
shows
the
natural
beauty
of
Alaska.
Radar
Online
says
the
pitch
for
"Levi
Johnston's
Last
Frontier"
says
it
will
show
"one
of
the
world's
most
famous
teenagers"
hunting
and
engaging
in
"adrenaline
activities"
with
his
friends,
like
riding
"pimped-out
snow
machines"
powered
by
jet
fuel.
The
producer
describes
it
as
"'Jersey
Shore'
on
ice."
His
previous
credits
include
"The
Weakest
Link."
* This should be called "The Weakest
Dink."
* Levi is more like "The Missing
Link."
* If Levi Johnston would ride on the
edge of an Alaskan cliff on a
snowmobile full of jet fuel, that I
would
watch.
* It's like someone watched "Jersey
Shore" and said, "This needs even
more tanning beds and even less class."
**************************************************************
Wednesday, March
31, 2010
Why Does
This Tequila Taste
Like Lone Star Beer? - Mike
"Fat Mike" Burkett of the punk band
NOFX has been permanently banned from Emo's club in Austin. Burkett was
dressed as his character, Cokie the Clown, at a Southwest Music
Festival showcase. He pulled out a bottle of tequila, poured some
shots, drank some himself, then shared it with the crowd. He then
showed them a video of himself just before the show, urinating into the
bottle. The crowd laughed hysterically, but the health department
didn't. They're investigating now. Burkett says he checked beforehand
to make sure urine wasn't classified as a biohazard.
* And it wasn't...except for his.
* I'm pretty sure urine that comes
from anyone named "Cokie the Clown"
is a biohazard.
* This proves that when you're drunk
enough, you'll laugh hysterically
at anything.
* The crowd would've been a lot more
upset if it hadn't tasted better
than the tequila they usually serve.
**************************************************************
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
You Can't
Beat Your Meat In
Public - Anthony Coffman of
Edinburgh, Indiana, was arrested
last week for what police called a "meat massacre." They say he entered
the Jay C Food Store with a knife and started stabbing meat packages
and throwing open containers of raw beef on the floor, then poured dog
food over it to contaminate it so it couldn't be sold. Employees
tackled him, and police arrived to find meat scattered everywhere. They
say he's a vegetarian who gets upset when anyone eats meat; and just
before the attack, he'd gotten into a fight with his grandmother who
was making a pot roast. Police said, "He thought if he could save one
chubby girl, he's done his job."
* Now, he could go to jail, where
he'll be considered "the
chubby
girl."
* News flash: the chubby girls were
all over in the Sara Lee aisle.
* Ironically, what his
grandmother does to a pot roast would
enrage
most meat lovers, too.
* He hates meat because pouring dog
food over raw beef is his grandmother's pot roast
recipe.
***************************************************************
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