Comedy Wire Joke of the Day

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Friday, July 3, 2009 - Happy 4th! We are on vacation! Back July 13th!
The Lame In Spain - Gwenyth Paltrow said she has been going to Spain her whole life. She says she loves Spain because unlike in America, people there put their kids ahead of their Blackberry.

* I thought "Blackberry" was one of Gwyneth Paltrow's kids.

* Or they would, if the Spaniards ever decided to have kids again.

* Great, another country I can't visit because I might run into Gwyneth Paltrow.

* Bottom line: ANYPLACE is better than the country that made her rich and famous.

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Thursday, July 2, 2009
A new Gallup poll finds that 46 percent of Americans now see the Democratic Party as "too liberal"...And just in the 24 hours since Al Franken was declared a Senator, they see the party as "less funny."

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Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Michael Jackson's mother has secured temporary legal custody of his three kids, and his will reportedly requests that she raise them.

* Because who's better at raising kids than the mother of the Jackson family?

* That will prevent them from suddenly being thrown into a circus-like environment.

* The poor kids are really confused...They had no idea there was such a thing as a female parent.

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Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Heaven On Earth - Police in Dallas Friday pulled over an Arkansas driver on traffic violations, noticed he had a coffin in the back of his van, and found it didn't contain a body. But it did contain 100 pounds of marijuana.

* They had him dead to rights.

* He claimed that was medicinal marijuana...The coffin was for if it didn't work.

* This is why his family specified a closed casket.

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Monday, June 29, 2009
Canterbury Tail - After a two-month investigation that cost British taxpayers thousands of pounds, the town of Canterbury has officially been declared "gay enough." Gay activists complained to the national government that local leaders promoted the town's history, like its famous cathedral, but didn't support gay culture enough. The city had to prove it did support gay-oriented exhibits and touring plays and musicals of primary interest to gays. A council spokesman said they were glad to be vindicated, adding that they do a lot for the gay community, but "it is not the duty of any council to set up a gay bar - that's not what councils do."

* Well, aside from the San Francisco City Council...

* They don't unless the city doesn't have one, and then, they're required to.

* What touring musical wouldn't be primarily of interest to gays?

* This is the first city in England that's ever been accused of not being gay enough.

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Friday, June 26, 2009
She Drinks For The Halibut - A Ft. Smith, Arkansas, woman failed to regain custody of her three children from her husband's stepmother. Officials had ruled her an unfit mother. She convinced them to give her a psychological evaluation, but she reportedly showed up to take it after drinking 13 beers. The court rejected her petition, even though she insisted she wasn't drunk because she "can drink like a fish."

* ...A pickled herring.

* That makes her more qualified to be a mother than Kate Gosselin.

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Thursday, June 25, 2009
A new A.P. poll finds that half of U.S. pet owners consider their pets as much a part of the family as any human relative, while another 36 percent say their pet is part of the family, but not a full member...Sort of like Jon & Kate's kids...Or like Madonna's adopted kids...In Chicago, many pets are even registered to vote...The other 14 percent describe dogs and cats as "good eatin'."

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Wednesday, June 24, 2009
And It's A Musical! - Britney Spears may cap her music comeback by trying her hand at movie acting again. She's reportedly considering a script called "The Yellow Star of Sophia and Eton." She'd play a girl who invents a time machine, travels back to World War II, falls in love with a Jewish guy at a concentration camp and brings him back to the present time, but she's killed by Nazis.

* So Tom Cruise isn't the only celebrity who makes movies where Nazis are the heroes.

* They're skinheads, so Britney could play them, too.

* Britney Spears invents a time machine?! Britney can't even figure out how an egg timer works.

* If Britney Spears had a time machine, she'd go back to 1999.

* In the end, we learn it was all a dream brought on by washing down bratwurst with margaritas.

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Tuesday, June 23, 2009
He Was Just Using His Mouth To Make Money - "American Idol" runner-up Adam Lambert already has an album out, but he's not happy about it. Hi-Fi Recordings put out a CD called "On With The Show" featuring songs recorded by Lambert when he was a struggling studio singer in 2005, making money by doing vocals on songs written by other people. Hi-Fi CEO John Heckler says the music is "incredible" and it was the right thing to do to make it available to Adam's fans. But Adam angrily says it "in no way" reflects the music he's currently working on.

* It's just a lot of stuff that came out of the closet.

* Still, he'll always have a place in his heart for show tunes.

* He was mostly cutting demos for people who wanted to sell songs to Ann Wilson.

* Adam doesn't want some sleazy producer destroying his career by releasing a crappy album before the "American Idol" people have a chance to do that.

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Monday, June 22, 2009
Breakfast Blowout - Police in Talleyville, Delaware, are searching for a man who fled an Arby's restaurant at 9:30 a.m. Thursday, after setting off fireworks in the bathroom. They say he ran out and took off in a brown pickup after a loud blast was heard from the men's room. Employees found a damaged toilet after he left.

* Are they sure it was fireworks? Because this happens all the time at Taco Bell.

* He must've been desperate to cure his constipation...But if he eats at Arby's a lot, he probably was.

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Friday, June 19, 2009 - Happy Father's Day Weekend!
Sponsored By Lysol - The travel website TripAdvisor.com has named Ireland's Blarney Stone as the world's most unhygienic tourist attraction. There's no scientific evidence to back it up, but they figure it must be loaded with germs since 400,000 people come from around the world every year to kiss it. The runner-up is a wall outside a Seattle theater where tens of thousands of people have stuck their chewing gum over the years. #3 is Oscar Wilde's lipstick-covered tomb in Paris, #4 is the pigeon-filled St. Marks Square in Venice, and #5 is the celebrity handprints at Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood that tourists can't resist placing their own hands on.

* God knows what you'll catch just from touching Mickey Rourke's handprint.

* If you kiss the Blarney Stone, you're going to need good luck.

* So I guess they don't consider Paris Hilton to be a Los Angeles tourist attraction.

* Actually, the most unhygienic place you'll encounter on your vacation is your hotel room bedspread.

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Thursday, June 18, 2009
The IRS Commissioner is asking Congress to repeal a tax on personal use of company cell phones, calling it burdensome, poorly understood, outdated, impossible to administer, a waste of workers' time and a drag on productivity...My question: do we have any income tax laws that AREN'T all those things?

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Wednesday, June 17, 2009
What A Dome Idea - CBS is shooting a new reality show that's required them to build a high wall around eight homes in an Atlanta suburb and seal the residents in together. A spokesman said, "It will be a bizarre experience for all of them. This is as ambitious as it gets." Comparing it to the "Simpsons" movie In which Springfield was sealed in a dome, the producers say the eight neighboring families will be trapped behind the 20-foot wall and forced to spend time with each other for three weeks to win a prize. It's tentatively titled, "Block Party."

* But after the neighbors start killing each other, it'll be renamed "Cell Block Party."

* It's called that because the title "Drag Me To Hell" was taken already.

* After about a week, it'll have to be retitled, "Climbing The Walls."

* The prize wil be a suicide pill.

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Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Happy Jack - Jen Nestor Waddell of Seattle took her Labrador, Jack, for a walk in Seward Park, but was worried when he ran off and later returned glassy-eyed and having trouble walking. A vet determined that somewhere in the park, he'd found a large quantity of marijuana and eaten it. Waddell said the dog was "just stoned." The vet gave him something to make him throw up, and he was back to normal by the next day. Waddell told police they could borrow Jack to help them find the drug stash if they'd pay his $1500 vet bill.

* And cover the tab for $300 worth of donuts.

* Thank God her parrot didn't eat a lot of pot...It would've talked about Kevin Smith movies all night.

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Monday, June 15, 2009
Putting The Bone In Bono - A publicist for Sonny and Cher's daughter, longtime lesbian rights activist Chastity Bono, announced that Chastity is in the early stages of a sex change operation to become a man. Bono recently turned 40. The rep said, "Yes, it's true -- Chaz, after many years of consideration, has made the courageous decision to honor his true identity," and asked for privacy as "Chaz" will not be doing any interviews at this time.

* His voice is still too high...Even after he gets a penis, it'll still be higher than Cher's.

* The hormones must be turning her into a straight man...She's already starting to hate Cher records.

* Ironically, Chaz has a lot of gay male friends who've also had surgery, but just to look like Cher.

* Cher looks forward to having another son so she can date his friends.

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Friday, June 12, 2009
And 90 Percent Alcohol - Later this month, you'll be able to taste the world's oldest beer. A molecular archeologist figured out the recipe from dried remnants in a 9,000-year-old Chinese pot. The Dogfight Head Craft Brewery in Milton, Delaware will be offering it nationwide. It's made with rice, honey and fruit and is described as "very smooth" and "not overly sweet."

* Uh, that wasn't a beer pot...It was a chamber pot.

* It can't have been very good if they left any remnants of it.

* There's also a secret ingredient, from which we got the phrase, "hair of the dog."

* It's endorsed by Larry King, who says, "It tastes just like I remember it!"

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Thursday, June 11, 2009

In the cover story of the next Rolling Stone magazine, "American Idol" runner-up Adam Lambert says, "I don't think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I'm gay"...He still doesn't admit that he is gay, but he does admit it's no surprise to hear it everywhere else... Well, Clay Aiken was shocked...When Ellen was on Time magazine, the headline read, "Yep, I'm Gay." This headline reads, "Duh, I'm Gay"...This is the biggest "Idol" scoop Rolling Stone has had since Ruben Studdard admitted he was fat.

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Wednesday, June 10, 2009
No Mercy - After being rejected by Malawi child welfare authorities, Madonna has reportedly persuaded three appeals judges to let her adopt another orphan she's renamed Mercy. The London Sun quoted a friend as saying that Madonna can "move mountains when she's this determined." The judges reportedly decided the 18-month residency requirement is an "out of date rule." There was no comment on other objections that Madonna is divorced, constantly traveling, and immoral.

* Being concerned about those things is out of date, too...That all happened before the date on the three checks she wrote.

* Another thing that's out of date is that whole silly notion that white people can't go to Africa and buy black children.

* They decided that it wasn't in Malawi's best interests to demand that Madonna live there for 18 months.

* Now Angelina Jolie will have to one-up her by adopting the entire nation of Kenya.

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Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Raising Eyebrows - Health experts are worried that the demand for Botox could lead to illegal sales on the Internet. The UK consumer magazine "Which?" recently discovered someone auctioning a do-it-yourself Botox kit on eBay with no prescription. It was complete with Botox powder, needles and a face map. It was removed as soon as eBay was notified, but it could be just the tip of the Internet iceberg. A "Which?" editor said, "It's easy to forget that Botox is actually a poison, which if injected in the wrong area could produce some shocking results."

* You've all seen Nancy Pelosi.

* You could end up slack-jawed, glassy-eyed and drooling...Pretty much the typical eBay buyer.

* The item is now back up on eBay as "Dr. Kevorkian's Home Suicide Kit."

* If you could buy needles full of Botox on the Internet, women would be using them like mascara...In the car, while driving to work.

* Just buy your husband enough Viagra off the Internet, and it won't matter how you look.

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Monday, June 8, 2009
Grammy officials are making changes in their awards categories: Latin Urban and Latin Rock will merge into Latin Rock Or Urban; contemporary folk/Americana will split into two categories, and sadly, the Grammy for Best Polka Album will be eliminated...But sadly, polka music will not be eliminated...It's always SO hard to pick just one!...It hasn't been nearly as much fun to announce the winner since Whoopee John Wilfahrt died.

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Friday, June 5, 2009
Tyler Durden Would Not Dump Angelina Jolie - The National Enquirer is claiming that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's relationship has grown so frosty that they are about to officially split up. But their rep called People.com to deny it. And the "What Would Tyler Durden Do" celeb website contacted someone they claim is "very, very, very close to Angelina," and who replied, "There is no split."

* But we do know there is someone very, very, very close to Angelina who is NOT Brad Pitt.

* Also, a Gallup poll finds that 93 percent of Brad and Angelina's kids think they should stay together.

* Too bad...I'd love to see Brad go back to Jennifer Aniston and say, "I thought we were on a BREAK!"

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Thursday, June 4, 2009
This Took A Neuroscientist? - Indiana University neuroscientist Heather Rupp discovered that when women are in a relationship, they lose interest in other men. Women were shown photos of men and asked to rate their attractiveness. All their ratings were basically the same, but women who didn't have sexual partners spent more time looking at the photos and evaluating the men, while women who were in relationships showed less interest and spent less time looking. However, when men were asked to look at photos of women and judge their attractiveness, both the men who were in relationships and those who weren't spent the same amount of time looking at the photos.

* ...37 days.

* They spent 16 hours on the photo of Jessica Alba alone.

* They knew this was for science, so they had to be absolutely sure a woman was a 10 and not a 9-and-a-half.

* The men in relationships had to judge whether the woman in the picture was more attractive than their partners, and if so, would they have a shot at her?

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Wednesday, June 3, 2009
A Yarn They Can't Follow - Researchers at Canterbury Christ Church University in Britain say they discovered why cats never get bored with chasing string: because they don't understand cause-and-effect between objects. Chimps, parrots and ravens all figure out if a treat is attached to a string, they can pull on the string and the treat draws closer. But in tests, cats never could figure out to pull on the one of two strings that had a treat attached to get it. They would just bat at both stings. A researcher said dog owners shouldn't feel superior because he's done quite a few tests on dogs, and they don't get it, either.

* Even after the parrots explain it to them 40 times.

* A Chinese researcher added, "See why we eat them?"

* Maybe the cats are just so finicky, they like the strings but detest the treat.

* Somehow, cats make the connection between the sound of a can opener and the need to come running up and act like they like you.

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Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Radio Comedy Writers Do This Every Summer - First came "staycations," where cash-strapped Americans tried to recreate the vacation experience at home. Now, the new trend is "moviecations." The box office is booming as people escape to movies instead of going on actual vacations. Analysts say people are looking for the most bang for their vacation buck by packing into movies with lots of escapism or effects, exotic locales, or gimmicks like 3D. 56 percent of the take for "Monsters Vs. Aliens" came from the 3D version, even though it played on less than one-third of the total screens.

* Feeling surrounded by monstrous freaks and hostile aliens was just like taking a vacation in Southern California.

* Seeing "A Night At The Museum" only costs $10...You could go to an actual museum for free, but let's not go overboard.

* If you want to go to Italy, see "Angels & Demons;" if you want to visit Greece, see Nia Vardolos' new movie, "My Life in Ruins;" and if you want to experience a week in the car driving the kids to Orlando, see "Drag Me To Hell."

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Monday, June 1, 2009
The Blonde Leading The Blonde – Over the weekend, Latvia's Blondes' Association tried to perk up Latvians who are depressed by the economy by hosting the first "Blonde Weekend" in the town of Riga. They say everyone knows blondes have more fun. So they invited an army of 500 blondes for a parade, an all-blonde orchestra, a blonde fashion show and an evening ball. There was even a golf tournament open only to blonde women.

* It was very competitive: they all tried to score as high as possible.

* They decided against the all-blonde "Jeopardy" championship.

* Somehow, the phrase "blonde weekend" sounds like it would involve more fun that that.

* In America, when an Army of 500 blondes suddenly shows up, it's called a "CSI: Miami" audition.

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Friday, May 29, 2009
Reggie Eloped To Vermont With Dilton Doily - For over 60 years, Betty and Veronica have fought over Archie Andrews, but he's finally made up his mind. Archie Comics announced that starting in September, they'll begin a six-part series called "Archie Marries Veronica," in which Archie proposes to the spoiled, rich brunette. Betty is said to be heartbroken, while Jughead is rumored to be appalled, but he did not reply to requests for comment.

* Of course, Jughead's upset! First, California upholds Prop 8, and now this!

* Betty feels as if she's wasted the best 60 years of her life.

* They expect the honeymoon issue to be their biggest seller ever.

* If he had any sense, he'd marry Betty and just fool around with Veronica.

* Archie was so desperate to lose his virginity, it was either this or take up Miss Grundy's offer.

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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Mr. Rogers Is Spinning Right Now - At a social sciences conference in Ottawa, a researcher from Toronto's York University defended "sexting," or young teens taking nude photos of themselves and e-mailing them to each other. Prof. Peter Cumming said young people are sexual beings who have explored their sexuality in every culture since the dawn of time, and all that's changed is the technology. He said nude "sexting" is just a modern variation on "playing doctor or spin-the-bottle."

* Or strip poker in front of a video camera.

* Why can't today's kids do like I had to, and explore their sexuality all alone?

* And I'm supposed to believe that a guy defending nude photos of teenagers is a real professor named "Peter Cumming"?

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Spot The Real Turkey - Henry Gasiorowski of Greenwich, Connecticut, is recovering from a blast of shotgun pellets in the arm and back. He was at a hunting club early Friday morning, blowing turkey mating calls while sitting directly behind a decoy turkey. A hunting companion mistakenly opened fire.

* Seriously, Dick Cheney should just give up hunting.

* Only one? He's lucky he didn't end up like Bonnie and Clyde.

* Next, he plans to go deer hunting by camouflaging himself in a Bambi costume.

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Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Next, On "Monk" - After being guilt-tripped into giving up plastic and paper grocery bags for reusable cloth bags to save the Earth, you'll be happy to hear those bags may kill you. A study by Sporometics in Toronto found that carrying groceries in the same bags over and over turns them into incubators of food poisoning. 64 percent of the bags tested had some kind of bacterial contamination, close to 30 percent had more than is considered safe in water, and 40 percent had yeast or mold. Some even had fecal contamination. That could be from carrying meat, but researchers warn not to also use them as gym bags or diaper bags.

* If you've even thought of using your grocery bags as diaper bags, please don't ever invite me to dinner at your house.

* The only way to prevent this is to wrap all your groceries in several layers of plastic wrap.

* To be on the safe side, dry clean your eco-friendly bags after every use.

* Screw the Earth, save yourselves!

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Monday, May 25, 2009 - Memorial Day
They'd Rather Die Than Be Imperfect - Researchers at British Columbia's Trinity Western University found being a perfectionist can kill you. They did psychological evaluations of 450 people age 65 to 87 and followed them for 6-1/2 years. Those who tended toward "all or nothing thinking" and had "a strong motivation to be perfect" were 51 percent more likely to die during the term of the study than those who were easy-going, put less pressure on themselves, and had lower, more reasonable self-expectations.

* On the plus side, the perfectionists had already made detailed arrangements for the perfect funeral.

* It's not clear from the data, but it's possible the perfectionists died because their roommates killed them.

* The good news: we won't have to put up with Martha Stewart much longer.

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Friday, May 22, 2009
Excellent Bouquet! - Yesterday, astronauts aboard the international space station celebrated a first by drinking water recycled from their own urine, sweat and condensed breath moisture. It took so long to get the recycling system set up and the water tested and okayed that NASA made a big deal out of its inauguration by holding a tasting ceremony. The water was dispensed in bags labeled, "Drink this when real water is 200 miles away." American astronaut Michael Barrett called it "the stuff of science fiction" and said, "The taste is great," while a NASA spokesman called it "a huge milestone."

* And later, huge kidney stones.

* At first, they thought it had recycled the urine into Mountain Dew, and then they realized it wasn't plugged in.

* Can't they just be like tourists in Mexico and drink beer?

* Don't ask what the "chocolate milk" is recycled from.

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Thursday, May 21, 2009
Poe Didn't Own A Sharpie? - Forrest Smith of Reading, Pennsylvania, pleaded guilty to book fraud. Over several years, he would buy first edition books by famous authors on eBay. Then, under a different eBay user name, he would sell them as autographed first editions. He actually forged the signatures himself. His scam raked in over $300,000. For instance, he bought Anne Rice's "Interview With The Vampire" for $46, signed it with her name, then resold it for $566.

* But he slipped up and forgot to sign it in blood.

* His undoing came when he bought a copy of "Tom Sawyer" and signed it, "Tom Sawyer."

* He never should've tried to sell a copy of the Gutenberg Bible signed by Jesus.

* Who knew that Jane Austen used a Bic pen?

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Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Moral: Eat First, Then Rob - The Austrian Times reports that Ante Baranovic of Croatia ordered half a dozen pizzas at a pizza shop, then pulled out a knife and robbed the staff. But he just couldn't resist the pizzas and sat down and started eating them until the cops arrived. He told them, "I know I should have run, but those pizzas are good."

* The way this guy eats, running probably wasn't an option.

* He still hasn't been taken to jail because the cops refuse to leave the pizza place.

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Tuesday, May 19, 2009
He'll Never Hear The End Of It - A 78-year-old Lynnwood, Washington, woman is charged with assault for allegedly beating her 84-year-old husband. Prosecutors say she hit him with a bowl, a pipe and a carpet sweeper. A witness told police that the woman also admitted kicking her husband in the crotch three times over the past six months because she believes he had an affair 35 years ago.

* ...With Cloris Leachman.

* He's had so many concussions, he can't remember whether he did or not.

* Gee, I wonder why he'd want to be with another woman?

* To make sure he doesn't cheat again, she's been kicking him in the crotch regularly for 35 years.

* Let's all pray Elizabeth Edwards lives a very long life, so she can do this to John.

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Monday, May 18, 2009
The Counties Crematorium in Milton Malsor, England, is under fire for replacing its longtime live funeral organist with a karaoke machine. Critics say the music sounds cheesy, and the speaker quality is tinny and dreadful...No, that's just the singers' voices...The worst is when the karaoke machine plays, "I Will Survive"...Don't you hate it when a crematorium is under fire?

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Friday, May 15, 2009
Spousal Support - The Japanese lingerie maker Triumph International created a prototype bra for women who are on the prowl for a husband. The bra isn't for sale, but a spokeswoman said it would suit modern Japanese women, who are having to get more aggressive if they want men to commit to marriage. The "concept bra" has holders for a contract seal and a pen for signing a nuptial agreement, plus a built-in biological countdown clock. When you insert an engagement ring into the clock, the countdown stops and it plays "The Wedding March."

* And it's only then that the bra can be removed.

* If you really want to catch a man, forget about this and just buy a Wonderbra.

* If you're serious about attracting a husband, try going without a bra.

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Thursday, May 14, 2009
But They Want To TALK Afterward! - A study by King's College London found that intelligent women enjoy sex more than bimbos do. Researchers gave questionnaires to 2000 female twins to assess their emotional intelligence, or the ability to monitor and manage feelings and emotions, and their sex lives. The study found that more intelligent women had more orgasms while those in the bottom 25 percent for intelligence had twice the normal risk of infrequent orgasm. A psychologist said it could be because intelligent women are better able to communicate their needs to their partners, or maybe they're better able to fantasize during sex.

* They're smart enough to know that if they want to have an orgasm, they'll have to imagine they're doing it with someone other than you.

* The Catch-22: the really intelligent ones are too smart to go to bed with me.

* This is quite a dilemma: the smart ones like sex more, but the dumb ones have bigger breasts.

* I'm sorry, I didn't hear anything after "2000 female twins."

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Wednesday , May 13, 2009
The new "Star Trek" movie made $76.5 million in its opening weekend, which is $26.5 million more than Paramount estimated...That's even more amazing when you consider that nobody who went to it brought a date.

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Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Comic Marty Ingels is pushing for his wife, Shirley Jones, to pose nude for Playboy at age 75. He told the New York Post, "She's still drop-dead gorgeous, and...a natural beauty. I'm her husband, and I think it would be sensational. Mature women are relevant."

* Come on! Playboy would never want to show a woman who's.........a natural beauty!

* By "drop dead gorgeous," Marty means that whenever he sees her naked, he nearly drops dead.

* If they wanted to show elderly women naked, they'd call Madonna.

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Monday, May 11, 2009 (Back after a weeklong computer meltdown!)
They Only Vowed To Stay Faithful Till Death- German anatomist Gunther von Hagens' new exhibit in Berlin is sparking outrage: It’s four plasticized human cadavers in simulated sex acts. He claims it “offers a deep understanding of the human body, the biology of reproduction, and the nature of sexuality." But one lawmaker says it’s not about medicine or science, it’s about marketing and breaking taboos again and again to make money.

* Ad agencies replied, “Isn’t that what sex is all about?”

* Nobody is interested in sex with a skeleton…except David Beckham.

* If I wanted to see a cadaver simulating sex, I’d go to a Madonna concert.

* The women are stiff, cold and lifeless, so it’s a lot like having sex with a British chick.

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Friday, May 1, 2009
Stoli Is Mother's Milk To Him - Stacey Anvarinia of Grand Forks, North Dakota, was arrested for drunken breastfeeding. Police say that while they answered a domestic disturbance call at her home and found her "extremely intoxicated." As she was talking to them, they say she began breastfeeding her six-week-old baby right in front of them. Since alcohol can pass to babies via breast milk, the baby was taken in for examination, and Anvarinia was charged with felony child neglect.

* All in all, it's probably a good thing she didn't decide to bottle feed.

* They assume the baby was drunk: he was incoherent and couldn't walk a straight line.

* She should get Gloria Allred to defend her right to breastfeed anywhere, any time.

* She has the only boobs that can dispense a perfect Ramos Gin Fizz.

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Thursday, April 30, 2009
Losing Our Heads - With the swine flu threat rising, the Senate finally approved Kathleen Sebelius as Health and Human Services Secretary. But there are still 20 top HHS positions empty, and we still don't have nominees for heads of the FDA or the Centers for Disease Control or for Surgeon General.

* But you know it's gonna be Dr. Oz.

* Give Obama a break! It took him 90 days to pick a White House dog!

* They can't find anyone that smart who's paid his taxes.

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Wednesday, April 29, 2009
But It's So Cold, You Can't Even See Anything! - If you're going hiking in the Swiss Alps, keep your pants on. Locals are sick of nudists, mostly German tourists, coming to their picturesque region and walking around in nothing but hiking boots and socks. The Germans call it "a special experience of nature, free and healthy." The government says locals find it to be "thoroughly disturbing and irritating." Sunday, residents of the small Swiss state of Appenzell Inner Rhodes voted overwhelmingly to ban naked hiking. Violators will be charged a fine of 200 Swiss francs ($176 US).

* Exception: Heidi Klum.

* But they don't have money on them! And if they do, I don't want to know where!

* The German nudists are so fat, the sound of their stomach rolls slapping has been known to set off avalanches.

* You know your body is bad when you go hiking naked, and it chafes other people.

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Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Trust Us, This Is Nothing New - The divorce rate is hovering near 50 percent, and a couple of new ways of counteracting that have been proposed. Northwestern University psychologists suggest that the key to marital happiness might be fooling yourself. They say most people are naturally focused on their own needs, and studies found couples are happiest when they perceive their partner as being a "cheering section" who supports their goals and is devoted to the family. They say couples might be able to get through the bad times if they can just lie to themselves a little and project a positive image onto their partners, whether it's absolutely true or not.

* This is called "The Hillary Clinton Strategy."

* That's why I call gin "Happy Marriage Juice."

* It also helps if when the lights are out, you imagine you're Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

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Monday, April 27, 2009
The Great Pretender - A 23-year-old Bloomington man is in stable condition after he fell off a bridge into the Minnesota River while pretending to fall off the bridge. A friend said he'd been drinking, he stopped to urinate, and he jokingly pretended to fall. The police report added, "He then, in fact, fell."

* And his friend called after him, "That's VERY good!"

* He must be a Method actor.

* Doctors describe him as "stable," and they're the first people who ever have.

* It still turned out better than that time he got drunk and pretended to shoot himself.

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Friday, April 24, 2009
A judge rejected former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich's request to go to Costa Rica to compete on NBC's "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here"...Blagojevich said, "Okay, then can I take over as host on 'Deal or No Deal?'"... The judge found that for him to call himself a celebrity would be perjury.

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Thursday, April 23, 2009
Fight For Your Right To Party - Colin Franklin is on trial in London, accused of being a "serial groper" and sexually assaulting five women during a 16-month spree of breast-groping on subway trains. One young woman claims that when he grabbed her boob, she screamed, "What do you think you're doing?" and he replied, "It's a free country."

* Sorry, to be that free, you have to move to Italy.

* So operating on the same theory, she kicked him in the nuts.

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Wednesday, April 22, 20009
Ranch No-Dressing - Tim Clements of Brookesville, Florida, won $3.3 million in the state lottery in 2004, but he's still being thwarted in his real dream: to open a nude dude ranch. He wants to turn the ranch he grew up on into a clothing optional retreat, and he says it's secluded enough not to offend anyone, but Hernando County is blocking him with zoning laws and a nudity ban. Clements said if he can't get the paperwork, he'll close the ranch to everyone but friends. His website adds that even though the ranch is clothing optional, everyone "must wear pants and boots to ride the horses."

* Or at least spurs and a riding crop.

* If you don't, you might slide off...Look what keeps happening to Madonna.

* He practices "safe riding," so no going bareback when you're in the saddle.

* Maybe if he'd just explain that it's a dude ranch for nudists, it's NOT a "nude dude" ranch.

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Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Why It's Called "Liquid Courage" - A University of Leicester study found that "beer goggles" don't really exist. Researchers asked 240 men and women in bars to look at photos of women and comment on their age and attractiveness. Neither drinking nor digitally adding makeup fooled the men into thinking the women were younger. And surprisingly, the men rated all the women as less attractive the more they drank. So the reality is the exact opposite of "beer goggles."

* Booze doesn't ruin men's vision, it just makes them so drunk, they'd sleep with anything.

* When they're drunk enough, all women look like pigs to them...But when they're drunk enough, they'll do a pig.

* It's just when men get really drunk, women look like they have three breasts, and that they've gotta check out.

* Proof that beer goggles don't exist: Susan Boyle sings in a pub, and she's still never been kissed.

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Monday, April 20, 2009
The Wall Street Journal reports that Steven Rattner, the man tapped by Obama to head his task force overseeing the reform of the auto industry, is under scrutiny in an investigation of an alleged kickback scheme involving the New York state pension fund...He was looting pension funds? Now, the UAW union bosses know he's a man they can talk to!...Don't think of it as a kickback. He prefers to call it a "rebate"...He's coming from New York to Detroit to do things the Chicago way!

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Friday, April 17, 2009

I Outfoxed You, Dude! - An 18-year-old Gainesville, Florida, man was charged with DUI and damaging property after he drove his Ford Ranger through the window of an office at 3:30 a.m. He failed three sobriety tests, but a breath test found no alcohol. The arresting officer says the teen told him he wouldn't be able to arrest him for DUI because he hadn't been drinking. All he'd been doing was smoking marijuana.

* That explains why he drove through the window at 2 miles an hour.

* He was looking for Dunkin Donuts' "drive-thru window."

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Thursday, April 16, 2009
California released a list of highway projects they'll be spending stimulus bill money on, and it includes $75 million to repave three miles of rough pavement in L.A...Technically, Beverly Hills. They pave the streets with gold there...To be fair, it's really rough pavement...$75 million to repave a rough patch? Who's doing the job, plastic surgeons?...That seems awfully expensive. Have they considered hiring illegal aliens to do it?

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Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Brown Nosers - The faculty at famously P.C. Brown University in Rhode Island, acting on a request from hundreds of students, voted to remove Christopher Columbus from Columbus Day. The three-day October holiday will now be called "Fall Weekend." Brown Sophomore Reiko Koyama said that Columbus' mistreatment of Native Americans shows that celebrating him is inconsistent with Brown's values.

* Brown then announced that it was returning all its land to the Indians...Ha ha! Just kidding!

* They could prove it by attending class that Monday...Naaaaah.

* In fact, celebrating any American holiday is inconsistent with Brown University's values.

* Yeah, people should stay in the countries they came from, says Rhode Island's own Rieko Koyama!

* For similar reasons, Thanksgiving will now be called "Fall Four-Day Weekend."

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Tuesday, April 14, 2009
It's Not That Easy Bein' Green - Environmental regulators in Washington state finally tracked down the source of raw sewage that was pouring into a creek near Vancouver lake. It was coming from a pipe that led from the office building of the Department of Ecology...their own agency. Someone had mistakenly connected the sewer pipe to the storm drain. The environmental agency director called the discovery "embarrassing and upsetting."

* If anyone else had done it, he would've called it "a felony."

* Or to paraphrase the comic strip, "Pogo": "We have met the enema, and it is us."

* Luckily, we're all used to expecting an endless stream of crap from environmental regulators.

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Monday, April 13, 2009
Another Deadly Gas Assault In Waco - Waco, Texas, Police say several Houston men were sharing a motel room when one allegedly passed gas. Another man threw a knife at him, cutting his leg, then stabbed him in the chest. The one who allegedly dealt it was treated for non-life-threatening wounds, while the one who smelt it was charged with aggravated assault.

* The one who dealt it should have been charged with assault with a silent-but-deadly weapon.

* How stupid! If the guy was that full of noxious gas, why poke holes in him?!

* And thus ended their traveling ministry.

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Friday, April 10, 2009 - Good Friday!
Vegetable Plate - Kelly Coffman-Lee of Denver is a vegan, so of course, she wants to proclaim that fact to the world. She figured there would be no better way than with a vanity license plate declaring, "I love tofu." Now, she's upset because the Department of Motor Vehicles rejected her request. They say her abbreviation, "I LV TOFU," can be misinterpreted to read, "I Love To F-U."

* Except she's a vegan activist, so that's probably true.

* That's copyright infringement because it's already the slogan of the Department of Motor Vehicles.

* They should get Bernie Madoff to make that license plate.

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Thursday, April 9, 2009
Born Again - The Rev. William Blasingame, former pastor of St. Paul's Memorial Episcopal Church on Staten Island, could face up to 15 years in prison on grand larceny charges. He's accused of stealing $84,537 over three years from a fund that was meant for church upkeep and helping parishioners in need. Prosecutors say he spent it on prescription drugs, plastic surgery and Botox. His attorney claims the charges are a "bad mistake" and there's a vendetta against his client.

* His client just stood by, expressionless.

* The charges are tragic, but you must admit, his mug shots look FANTASTIC.

* He missed his true calling: televangelism.

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Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Former New York Gov. Elliot Spitzer emerged Monday on the Today Show, where he blamed his hiring of high-priced call girls on "gremlins" he has inside him...And on credit cards he has on him...He lost his virginity in a 1972 Gremlin...He has this insatiable hunger that he can't help feeding after midnight.

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Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Polly Want A Crackhead? - Britain's Daily Mail reports that Courtney Love is throwing a "hissy fit" because her movers in L.A. threw out what they assumed was rubbish. It actually a work of art by trendy British artist Polly Morgan, and consisted of a dead bird in a matchbox. Morgan specializes in making art out of dead animals. Love reportedly paid around $12,000 for it. The paper claims she fired her assistant who was supervising the move. Courtney considered it priceless and irreplaceable.

* Must be the drugs talking.

* Couldn't you dig one up out of the backyard of any family that's ever owned a parakeet?

* That's nothing: Polly Morgan moved once, and the movers threw out everything.

* Sounds like Courtney's movers know a lot more about art than she does.

* Amy Winehouse will send her a dead rat; her house is full of them.

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Monday, April 6, 2009
It's A Whole Month's Supply! - Someone stole a tractor-trailer truck loaded with over 2,000 cases of whiskey from a Nashville shipping company. Police report that the tractor part has been found abandoned at a truck stop near Niota, but the trailer full of whiskey is still missing. There are no suspects.

* Actually, this being Tennessee, there are about 2 million suspects.

* You will know them by the trail of empties.

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Friday, April 3, 2009
That's The Way The World Turns - Soap opera ratings have been on a steady decline for years. Now, CBS has announced that it's canceling "The Guiding Light," the longest-running show in broadcast history. The soap debuted as a 15-minute radio show in 1937, moved to TV in 1952, and has been on the air continuously for 72 years.

* That's a lot of sand through the hour glass.

* It's the only soap opera sponsored by Viagra.

* It's been on so long, the viewers are in comas.

* The script quality started slipping after the writers were replaced by their evil twins who work cheaper.

* If CBS viewers want to follow the petty intrigues of people in their 90s, they'll have to watch "60 Minutes."

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Thursday, April 2, 2009
Gamblers Extremely Anonymous - Two years ago, Maine's Office of Substance Abuse allocated $100,000 for a program to treat "problem gamblers," with money taken from slot machines at a Bangor casino. To this day, not one person has called for help. The budget was cut to $50,000, then eliminated. Now, the head of the office wants the legislature to reinstate it. He says Maine must have gambling addicts somewhere, so the office needs more money for outreach to find them.

* Has he tried looking, oh, I don't know...by the SLOT MACHINES?!

* So the guy in charge of fighting gambling addiction blew $150,000 and now he wants to double down?

* People from Maine aren't addicted to gambling, they're just addicted to free drinks.

* Sounds as if people in Maine don't like dropping money down a hole.

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Wednesday, April 1, 2009 - Happy April Fool's Day!
Card Cheats - The trading card company Topps is immortalizing Bernie Madoff with his own card. The Wall Street scammer will be part of a new card series dedicated to the "world's biggest hoaxes, hoodwinks and bamboozles." The entire set will include such scoundrels as D.B. Cooper, Enron and Charles Ponzi, inventor of the Ponzi Scheme.

* Use them to build your very own house of cards!

* And Franklin Roosevelt, inventor of Social Security.

* Topps absolutely guarantees they'll become valuable collector's items.

* Kids, if you can't afford the whole set, get all your friends to give you one dollar each and tell them you're investing it for them.

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Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I Saw It On A "Friends" Rerun - The wireless service Cricket and Samsung electronics promoted a new model phone by breaking the Guinness record for world's largest cell phone. They built a replica of the new Samsung Messager that's 15 feet long, 13 feet long and 3 feet deep; and it actually works. It was on display in Philadelphia last week, where people were invited to use it to make calls.

* But only really important calls.

* The best thing about it: it can't fit through a restaurant door.

* You kids know what we used to call a giant mobile phone in the '90s? "A mobile phone."

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Monday, March 30, 2009
Landing On Your Tail - The Centers for Disease Control report that your pets might be out to get you. They say more than 86,000 serious falls per year are caused by people tripping over their dogs or cats. Most cause only minor injuries, and they are only 1 percent of all falls taken. But CDC officials say elderly people especially should improve lighting, remove pet toys from the floor and use obedience training.

* And never, NEVER let your cat know that he's in your will.

* Obedience training is very important...Just do what your cat wants, and you won't get hurt.

* Pets trip their masters because dogs get too excited and cats get bored and need a laugh.

* Also, if you're over 70, it's time to stop raising pigs in your apartment.

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Friday, March 27, 2009
Have A Cow, Man! - The Grand Rapids Press reports that the West Michigan White Caps baseball team, a Detroit Tigers minor league affiliate, is adding a new item to their stadium snack menu. It's a 4,800-calorie hamburger. It costs $20, weighs 4 pounds, and includes 5 beef patties, 5 cheese slices, a cup of chili, salsa and corn chips on an 8-inch sesame seed bun. Vendors will slice it for fans to share, or if you eat one by yourself in one sitting, you win a special T-shirt.

* Size XXXXXL...Doubles as a shroud.

* Because they never, never, ever want you to go shirtless.

* If I eat two, do I win two T-shirts?

* It also comes in a Styrofoam box big enough to be buried in.

* You've heard of a Big Mac Attack? This gives you a Big Cardiac Attack.

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Thursday, March 26, 2009
Got Any 18-Year-Olds She Can Date? - Malawi's Ministry of Women and Child Welfare Development is cool to Madonna's plans to adopt another Malawi orphan. An official said that Madonna is divorced; performing a risqué stage show; carrying on publicly with Brazilian hunk Jesus Luz, who is less than half her age; and was romantically linked to a married man, Alex Rodriguez. The official said that "makes us question her morals," and "we do not want our children's morals to be corrupted."

* They also don't think it's safe to let children be raised by cougars.

* They figure the kids would be exposed to fewer diseases in a Malawi orphanage.

* She could always adopt Jesus Luz.

* Until now, nobody's ever questioned Madonna's morals! Why ask questions when you know the answer?

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Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Max Bialystock Presents: "More Miserables!" - China Daily reports that the Shanghai Dramatic Arts Center is producing an all-singing, all-dancing stage musical version of Karl Marx's book, Das Kapital. An economics professor who's advising the scriptwriters to make sure the communist theory is correct said the musical will help ordinary people understand how Marx is relevant to today's economic crisis. The Marxist musical is still in the early stages, but the producers say they won't rule out any style that might entertain audiences, including Vegas or Broadway.

* Both of which China will soon own.

* You'll love the big "Springtime for Mao" number.

* They plan to cast the most attractive people and have them lip-synch to the best voices.

* What better way to bankrupt capitalists than to convince them to invest in a new Broadway musical?

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Tuesday, March 24, 2009
As Hot Women Would Say, "Duh!" - A survey in Britain by OnePoll.com found that 73 percent of men would rather date a beautiful dumb girl than a less attractive intelligent woman. Meanwhile, nearly three-quarters of women said they'd take the smart guy because he'd be less vain and a better provider. Only one in 10 women would opt for a handsome man over a smart one because they think "the sex would be better."

* Handsome men will put a mirror up over the bed, then suggest the woman get on top so they can look at themselves in it.

* A really smart guy knows that thanks to plastic surgery, it's easier to make a smart girl pretty than to make a pretty girl smart.

* 73 percent of men believe they deserve a hot girlfriend because 73 percent of men think they're above average-looking.

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Monday, March 23, 2009
It Stands For "D'oh!" - Media analyst Rich Greenfield reports that the Bank of America is sponsoring a promotion for customers to see the new movie "Monsters Vs. Aliens" in 3D instead of 2D, with the bank picking up the difference in ticket prices. Showbiz blogger Nikki Fink pointed out that Americans now know what some of their bailout money is buying.

* One extra "D."

* Know what I want to see? "Monsters & Aliens Vs. Bailed-Out Bank Executives."

* There's one scene where a giant tax bill flies off the screen and falls right in the moviegoers' laps.

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Friday, March 20, 2009
Not A Jolie Good Fella - The Star tabloid claims that John Mayer is thinking of writing a tell-all book about his recently-ended romance with Jennifer Aniston. It would allegedly include details about Aniston's temper tantrums, her obsessive exercise regimen, her embarrassing TV viewing habits, her devotion to astrology and numerology, and the time she mistakenly called him "Brad" while they were having sex.

* Actually, that was every time they had sex.

* Oh, come on! All women do that!

* So a woman mistook him for Brad Pitt in bed! Happens to me all the time!

* You'd think the stars would've warned her not to date him.

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Thursday, March 19, 2009
How To Get Your Business Up - Der Spiegel reports that a brothel in Berlin is trying to boost sagging business during the recession with a couple of creative specials. For instance, during off-peak hours from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., a flat rate $90 buys sex plus all the food and drinks a customer can consume. If that's not enough, the brothel is now allowing men to bring their wives along to share in the paid-sex experience.

* Normally, they'd never agree, but how often do their husbands take them out for dinner and drinks?

* The men eat and have sex, while the wives just drink.

* That's crazy! Do the men also bring a sack lunch to the all-you-can-eat buffet?!

* Bad idea! NEVER let your wife know you're willing to fork over money to have sex!

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Wednesday, March 18, 2009
After Or Before, It's All Good - A British tabloid claims Michael Jackson is thrilled that the "Body Worlds" exhibit will be London when he does his concert series because he hopes to achieve his goal of overcoming death and decay for eternity by having his whole body "plastinated" after he dies.

* That'll be an easy job! He's about 95 percent plastic already!

* So London visitors can either see a freakish-looking cadaver that's mostly plastic, or they can see "Body Worlds."

* This is much better than Michael's original preservation idea, which was to be frozen inside a giant Popsicle that children the world over would be invited to lick.

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Tuesday, March 17, 2009 - Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Wal-Mart plans to open its first Hispanic-centered stores in Arizona and Texas...Know what people in Arizona and Texas call Wal-Marts full of Hispanics? "Wal-Mart."

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Monday, March 16, 2009
Might As Well Drink - A British doctor is calling for taxing chocolate just like alcohol. Dr. David Walker says people can get half their daily recommended calories just eating one bag of chocolates while watching a soap opera. He blames chocolate for causing obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure and back pain.

* Why not tax soap operas? They cause brain damage.

* He wants a 10 percent chocolate tax, so on a Nestle's Hundred-Thousand Dollar Bar, that'd be $10,000.

* Dear Lord, can you imagine how much tax he'd want to put on chocolate cigarettes?!

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Friday, March 13, 2009
Forbes reports that the recession is so bad, there are 332 fewer billionaires in the world than last year, and Bill Gates is still the world's richest man, even though he's worth $18 billion less than a year ago...If Obama's gonna pay for all his spending by soaking the rich, he'd better hurry!... Here's how bad it is. The world's second-richest man: M.C. Hammer.

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Thursday, March 12, 2009
Rapper Coolio was charged Tuesday with possession of crack cocaine and battery after officers at the L.A. airport allegedly found the drug and a crack pipe in his luggage...To be fair, it was a THREE HOUR flight...I'm stunned! Stunned to learn that Coolio can still afford cocaine!... Wouldn't it be more newsworthy if they DIDN'T find crack in a rapper's luggage?

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Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Where Did The Stick Go? - The owner of a Fort Pierce, Florida, Texaco store reports that a man came in, shoved a Klondike ice cream bar down the back of his pants, and tried to leave. He had hidden Ramen noodles and Famous Amos cookies on his body, too. The owner confronted him. He says the man pulled the flattened Klondike bar out of his pants and offered him $69 for it if he wouldn't call the police. He did anyway.

* $69 for ice cream that had been between someone's butt cheeks? Well, now we know what this guy would do for a Klondike bar!

* He can always plead insanity...Why else would anyone shoplift Ramen noodles?

* The police strip-searched him, but they never did find the dill pickle he stole.

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Tuesday, March 10, 2009
In Space, No One Can Smell Your Cologne - The upcoming "Star Trek" movie has an unusual merchandising tie-in. Genki Wear is offering three “Star Trek” fragrances, including "Tiberius," named after Captain Kirk. Its motto is "Boldly go," and it's described as smelling fresh and sensual and being "difficult to define and impossible to confuse."

* Although it does smell a bit like aged ham.

* Like Captain Kirk, it is strong, overpowering and lingers on long after you wish it would go away.

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Monday, March 9, 2009
You're Not Doing This Right - 45-year-old Tracy Davies is on trial in Newcastle, England, after she allegedly asked her boyfriend for a French kiss, then bit half his tongue off, chewed it and spit it out at him. It couldn't be reattached. Prosecutors say she was upset at learning she wasn't pregnant. Her boyfriend said she was being passive and nice, then suddenly turned into Mike Tyson.

* Well, actually, he said, "Mmph mmmp mmffss mm-nnnnf..."

* He should just be grateful she didn't offer him oral sex.

* It's just as well that some people don't reproduce.

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Friday, March 6, 2009
Great With "Hilarious Gas Bomb Beans" - A Cornell University researcher found thaat kids eat more vegetables if parents give them cooler, more exciting names. For instance, call peas "power peas" or broccoli "dinosaur broccoli trees." In an experiment, 186 four-year-olds were served carrots for lunch that were billed simply as "carrots." Later that week, they were served carrots billed as "X-ray vision carrots." The second time, they ate twice as many.

* But the third time, they could see right through this trick.

* "X-ray vision carrots" sounds like a name you'd use to get your husband to eat carrots.

* It didn't work for "Doesn't Taste Like Ass-paragus."

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Thursday, March 5, 2009
A Los Angeles fertility clinic claims it can let parents pick not only their babies' sex, but their physical traits right down to hair and eye color. They say they already have half a dozen inquiries and expect the first "designer baby" to be born by next year...Actually, Suri Cruise is already here...It's unnatural to change everything about a baby's looks before it's born! There are plenty of L.A. clinics who can do that after it's born!

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Wednesday, March 4, 2009
A giant global warming protest in Washington was nearly canceled Monday due to the blizzard-like snow conditions. Nancy Pelosi had to cancel her speech after her flight was delayed due to snow...Also, her face was frozen, but that had nothing to do with the weather...There was so much snow, it filled in everyone's carbon footprints...They knew they should've held their protest of warming in Miami.

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Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Deal Or No Deal - British Prime Minister Gordon Brown plans to meet with President Obama tomorrow, where Brown will reportedly promote the idea of a "Global New Deal." It would call for stimulating the world economy by having multiple nations spend tremendous amounts of money on a worldwide scale.

* And this would be different from what we're already doing, how?...

* This sounds just like the Global Old Deal: China loans us money, and we squander it.

* If we're going back to old solutions for ending a depression, why don't we just bomb Germany again?

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Monday, March 2, 2009
An orangutan named Bonnie at the National Zoo in D.C. astounded researchers by teaching herself to whistle. They say this could lead to significant new discoveries of how human speech evolved...But parrots said they're not impressed, and then whistled the theme to the Andy Griffith Show...Speech evolved so that humans could tell the apes, "Will you knock off that whistling?! I'm tryin' to work!"

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Friday, February 27, 2009
That's Really Stretching It - Vivid Video is tossing octuplet mom Nadya Suleman a lifeline. The adult entertainment company offered Suleman a $1 million contract and free medical and dental insurance for her and her kids if she'll star in multiple porn videos.

* She's already proved she doesn't mind having eight people inside her at once.

* To her, the term "gang bang" means "giving birth."

* They've even got a title: "Octopussy."

* During her nude scenes, they'll have someone standing behind her, pulling her skin tight.

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Thursday, February 26, 2009
The day after the Oscars, the Indian street children who appeared in "Slumdog Millionaire" were taken to Disneyland...It was a big thrill for them to go in the Disney gift shops and see all the stuff they made.

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Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The recession must really be hurting Americans: the Girl Scouts report that cookie sales are currently lagging about 19 percent below this point last year...A lot of Americans can't buy as many Girl Scout Cookies as usual because they can't get a bank loan…I always assumed Girl Scout Cookies were recession-proof, like heroin.

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Tuesday, February 24, 2009
A Japanese restaurant in New York released a 140-year-old lobster back into the Atlantic Ocean, sparing it from the pot of boiling water...Which means the seal had to eat it raw...At his age, the boiling water would've felt good on his joints.

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Monday, February 23, 2009
He Faked The Wiring? - In Reno, Nevada, appliance store owner Darin Jerome French was found guilty of 36 counts of wire fraud for filing fake warranty repair claims with the Maytag Corporation. He was a Maytag repairman who claimed to get a lot of repair calls that he didn't really get.

* Don't the Maytag people know that Maytag repairmen NEVER work?

* He pleaded insanity caused by extreme loneliness.

* Maytag repairmen are so lonely, he needed the extra money for hookers.

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Friday, February 20, 2009
We Quail At The Thought - A bird watchers' club in the Philippines was ecstatic when a documentary crew filmed a live Worcester's buttonquail, a bird thought to have been extinct for decades. But they were immediately saddened to learn it was video of local hunters carrying the bird off to cook it. One said, "What if this was the last of its species?"

* Then the hunters will go hungry, and it'll serve 'em right.

* They thought it was extremely rare, but it turned out to be medium rare.

* Unfortunately, the hunters are part of a bird-tasters' club.

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Thursday, February 19, 2009
Thousands of children contributed to an e-book called "Dear Mr. President," in which they shared their hopes and expectation for Barack Obama. One said he hopes Obama will make it rain candy...That had to be Keith Olbermann's kid...He can't, he's too busy making it rain money...Someone needs to explain to that kid that only Oprah can do that.

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Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The L.A. Times reports that after the government promised for four years that digital TV would be a big improvement, some people in fringe areas who bought digital TV converter boxes still lost stations or say they're getting even fuzzier reception than before. One woman told the paper that it sure doesn't seem like an improvement to her…So someone from the government promised everyone a big improvement for four years, and then things got worse? I think that's called "a presidential election campaign."

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Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Hate Is Enough - The Killeen Furtney Group, the public relations agency representing octuplet mom Nadya Suleman, has severed ties with her after receiving over 100 death threats. After word got out that Suleman was a single mom on government benefits who had 14 in-vitro kids, the agency head started notes threatening to put her in a wood chipper or drop her on the bottom of the ocean.

* To be fair, a lot of people feel that should be done to all P.R. agents.

* Just don't drop the octomom on the bottom of the ocean! She'll spawn, like an octopus!

* After dealing with her, the P.R. agency needs a P.R. agency.

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Monday, February 16, 2009
Madame Butterball - High culture is not what it used to be. FFirst, there was an opera based on the Jerry Springer Show. Now, Britain's Royal Opera House has shocked its straitlaced followers by announcing plans to develop an opera based on the life of Anna Nicole Smith. A spokesman insisted, "It is not going to be tawdry; it is going to be witty, clever, thoughtful and sad."

* Wait a minute; I thought it was going to be about Anna Nicole Smith!

* They're insane! No soprano could sing in clothes that tight!

* This is the only opera that will be over the minute the fat lady starts to sing.

* This story has everything you need for an opera: a fat lady, two tragic deaths, and a lot of incoherent screeching.

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Friday, February 13, 2009
The U.S. Post Office announced that the price of a first class stamp will rise from 42 to 44 cents on May 11... You should buy those "forever" stamps. They're good as long as the post office remains in business, which might also mean May 11.

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Thursday, February 12, 2009
Let Him Guard Social Security - Colonel Sanders' original handwritten recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken was returned to a new high-security vault at corporate headquarters in Louisville, five months after it was put into hiding during renovations. It was transported in a lockbox handcuffed to security consultant Bo Dietl's wrist.

* He also had Jack Bauer standing by with a SWAT team, just in case Kirstie Alley showed up.

* Al Gore suggested the lockbox, but they were smart enough not to handcuff the KFC recipe to him.

* The new vault should keep it safe from thieves and from attacks by squads of commando chickens.

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009
A mountain climber who slid down a 370-foot incline in North Wales was rescued after a helicopter crew spotted his cigarette lighter in the dark from eight miles away...Proving once again: "Smoking saves lives!"

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Tuesday, February 10, 2009
The Drumbeat Of Recession - The recession is so bad, it's even causing Blue Men to be laid off. The home base for the show in Chicago has staged up to three shows a day for 10 years and normally employs eight rotating Blue Men. But they have now reduced the number of shows and cut the roster of fulltime tube-drumming, paint-throwing, marshmallow gobblers down to three, with a couple of fill-in part-timers.

* They're now alone, out of work, and feeling extra blue.

* Recessions are always harder on people of color.

* The Blue Men are trying to find other work, but they lack interviewing skills.

* All they can do is bang on pipes, slop paint around, and gobble marshmallows...Maybe they could become Teamsters.

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Monday, February 9, 2009
We Learned It Didn't Die Of Constipation - PhD student Daniel Bennett is suing Leeds University for throwing away his collection of lizard poop. Bennett spent seven years in remote areas of the Philippines, collecting samples of excrement from the rare Butaan lizard, once thought to be extinct. Then one day, he came in to find school technicians needed space, so they'd tossed out his 75 pounds of lizard crap. A Leeds spokesman called it an "unfortunate mistake," but insisted "lessons had been learned."

* After seven years of study, they learned that the Butaan lizard eats corn.

* Thank God, he had plenty more lizard crap under his bed at home.

* When they saw the giant pile of crap, they should've known it was for a PhD thesis.

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Friday, February 6, 2009

Faye Had A Foggy Mountain Breakdown - E! News reports that Faye Dunaway was upset to learn that Hollywood is planning a remake of her iconic film, "Bonnie & Clyde," with Hillary Duff in her role of Bonnie. Dunaway said, "Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?" Taking a break from filming a guest shot on "Ghost Whisperer," Duff sniped back that her fans who'll see her movie "don't even know who (Faye Dunaway) is."

* Her fans don't even know who Bonnie and Clyde were.

* It's obvious that her fans have never seen any Oscar-winning actress.

* Besides, this "Bonnie & Clyde" is completely different...It's a musical.

* With the Hillary Duff version, audiences will watch Bonnie and Clyde being shot to death and wish it were them.

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Thursday, February 5, 2009
It was announced that as of Monday, 90,000 sex offenders have been kicked off of MySpace...And now, on to names beginning with "B"!

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Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The California woman who gave birth to octuplets has already signed with an agent...The tough part: figuring out how to give the agent 10 percent of 8 kids.

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Tuesday, February 3, 2009
He Loves The Bong Water - Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps apologized for his "bad judgment" after Britain's News Of The World ran a photo of him smoking a bong at a party. Phelps has scads of endorsement deals, and so far, his sponsors are all standing by him.

* Including his newest, Little Debbie.

* Well, General Mills did drop him off the Wheaties box, but they're putting his face on Count Chocula.

* In his defense, smoking pot is the only way he can eat 33,000 calories a day.

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Monday, February 2, 2009
Trouble Down Under? - News.com.au reports that 28-year-old Austtralian Jordan Eisenberg was talking to friends about how they had to walk on eggshells when their wives or girlfriends had PMS. That gave him the idea for PMSBuddy.com. It keeps track of your partner's cycle and sends out e-mail reminders on a terror alert style scale. After just nine months, PMSBuddy.com has 100,000 subscribers. Eisenberg says most women find it funny or helpful, although some get upset that their suffering is being tracked.

* But they get over it in 5 to 7 days.

* They express that by running over your laptop with the car 15 or 20 times.

* Women don't suffer from PMS...Women endure PMS, men suffer from it.

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Friday, January 30, 2009
Our Food Is A Hit - A man in Palm Coast, Florida, claims he complained that his calzone order was incorrect at a pizzeria, and the owner pistol-whipped him with a gun butt, then jumped over the counter and beat him and his friend. The owner of Goomba's Pizzeria was arrested and released on bail…His godfather bailed him out…His lawyer insists he's not a bad guy, he's actually a good fella…To be honest, he should've known that badmouthing the calzone at a place called "Goomba's" probably wasn't the smartest idea.

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Thursday, January 29, 2009
I Been Through The Desert On A Cow With No Name - A study by Britain's Newcastle University found that cows who are given names produce up to 454 more pints per milk than cows with no names. A spokesman said it shows that like people, cows "respond better to the personal touch" and "feel happier and more relaxed if they are given a bit more one-to-one attention."

* They're also tastier.

* They also really like Barry White music...Don't ask how he knows.

* That sounds more like the spokesman for the League of Perverted Farmers.

* However, cows do hate it when you call them "Bossy."

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich claims that he considered offering Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat to Oprah Winfrey. Asked to comment, Oprah said she thinks she could be a Senator, but "I'm just not interested"...Why give up all her power just to be a Senator?...Of course, he considered offering it to Oprah. Who has more money than Oprah?...It wasn't good enough for her, so she suggested he give it to her friend, Gail...She should try it. If she likes it, she could buy Senate seats for everyone in her studio audience.

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Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The Sun UK tabloid reports that Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus are both in the running to star in a movie version of a hit novel based on the Snow White story...Let's see: Snow White goes into a coma after she ingests a weird potion. That sounds more like Lindsay...It's an updated version where the 7 Dwarfs run a rehab clinic...If it's a hit, they'll put Paris Hilton into an update of "Rumplestiltskin" called "Wrinkled Foreskin."

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Monday, January 26, 2009
This Will Dog Him For Life - Paul Wood of Palmyra, New York, was arrested after he allegedly got angry during a domestic dispute with his wife, picked up the family cat, and hurled it at her. The cat, which still has its claws, struck her on the back. Neither the cat nor the wife was injured. But Wood was charged with criminal mischief, harassment and cruelty to animals.

* But at least he proved he's not pussy-whipped.

* She's lucky he didn't toss a pair of boxers in her face.

* Then it turned really ugly, when he tried to make her kiss his cockapoo.

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Friday, January 23, 2009
Razing Eyebrows - 72-year-old Si Burgher of Bloomfield, Indiana, went his whole life without ever trimming his eyebrows. They were so bushy, some of the hairs were over three inches long. So to raise money for charity that fights polio, the Rotary Club sold chances to trim his brows for $100 a snip. The club raised $1600, with Burgher's wife Amy getting the first whack. Burgher says he doesn't care if they never grow back because his wife says he looks 20 years younger.

* Unfortunately, he can now see his wife, and she looks 20 years older.

* It was $100 if you used scissors, or $200 if you used a weed whacker.

* Imagine how many millions Andy Rooney could raise for charity.

* Next, they hope to use his ear hair to eradicate malaria.

* How come this guy's a hero, but when I offered to let people trim my nose hair for $100 a snip, there were no takers?

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Thursday, January 22, 2009
Oprah's New Favorite Thing - Oprah Winfrey's made no secret of her horrific past, but she didn't need this. The National Enquirer reports that her ex-boyfriend, Randolph Cook, has written a tell-all book called "The Wizard of O: My Life with Oprah." In it, he claims that during their "passionate six-month romance" in 1984, she taught him how to smoke crack cocaine, and she even freebased crack while she was taping her show.

* It's hard to imagine Oprah smoking crack...although it would explain why she believes in "The Secret," Deepak Chopra, phony memoirs, and Dr. Phil's medical credentials.

* That's what men in her audience do before their wives drag them into the studio.

* If she liked crack that much, wouldn't she have given some to everyone in her studio audience?

* Now, she just gets high on Obama.

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Wednesday, January 21, 2009
A study by the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm, Sweden, found that people who are socially active and who remain calm and mellow instead of flying off the handle are less likely to develop Alzheimer's disease...The good news: if you're an angry loner, you'll probably die before you're old enough to get it... Plus, if you can't stand being around people, you don't need to remember their names anyway.

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Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Pamela Anderson is urging authorities in Mumbai, India, to sterilize stray dogs rather than killing them. She wrote a letter informing them, "Dogs cannot use condoms"... I don't even want to know how Pamela learned that bit of trivia.

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Monday, January 19, 2009 - Happy MLK Day!
ARG, owner of the Black Angus Steakhouse chain, filed for bankruptcy protection because Americans can't afford to eat steaks anymore...That's it, we HAVE to give bankers more bailout money!...To adapt to the current economy, the restaurant will be renamed the Black Angus Salisbury Steakhouse.

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Friday, January 16, 2009
Authorities in Clearwater, Florida, are trying to capture an escaped rhesus monkey who flings feces at people...They'll either put him in a zoo or give him his own show on MSNBC.

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Thursday, January 15, 2009
None Have Bigger Nipples Than Simon - The producers of "American Idol" are suinng the Palazio Men's Club in Austin, Texas, over their weekly "Stripper Idol" contest. They say the public might be confused into thinking the show sponsors the event, in which contestants dance topless for 60 seconds and are ranked by the audience to win a $500 prize.

* How could the public be confused? One is for talentless exhibitionists who are willing to embarrass themselves in public for money, and the other is a stripper contest.

* There was already a show that crossed "American Idol" with a stripper contest...It was called "The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll."

* This shouldn't affect their competition for girls with PMS, the "Stripper Midol" contest.

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Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Check All The Vans Down By The River - Police in Palm Beach, Florida, are searching for a man who has unsuccessfully tried to steal two different ATMs over the past two weeks. He's described as a heavyset man with a visible pot belly, wearing a ninja costume that shows only his eyes.

* They've taken in Steven Seagal for questioning.

* Police suspect Zombie Chris Farley.

* He's not a ninja; he just wears black from head to toe because it's slimming.

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Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Tough Love - The Daily Telegraph reports that 84-year-old Luba Relic of Sydney, Australia, had so many driving infractions until she finally had her license revoked until the year 2999. But she kept driving without a license and crashed her Honda Civic in a parking lot. The court extended her suspension by one year. She's now banned from driving until 3000.

* Finally, the authorities are getting serious!

* If she drives before then, that's the third strike, and she'll be banned permanently.

* The first thing she'll do when she gets her license back is start up the car and run over a Morlock.

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Monday, January 12, 2009
Hope He's Not Dyslexic - Jason Momoa of "Stargate: Atlantis" and Lisa Bonet have actually outdone other celebs to create the most ridiculous celebrity baby name ever. Their baby son born last month was named "Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa" He was born on a rainy night, so that supposedly is Hawaiian for "Warrior Wolf Strength Rain Dark."

* They would've just named him that, but it didn't sound goofy enough.

* I thought it was Hawaiian for "Someday I'm Going To Murder My Parents."

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Friday, January 9, 2009
Missouri college student Cary Silverman has launched a website, www.pub-corn.com, to sell his invention: popcorn flavored to taste like beer, pina coladas or Bailey's Irish cream... His motto: "Take what you love and make it your career"...He got the idea after a frat party, while picking popcorn kernels out of dirty glasses...He decided that just pouring butter over it was too healthy.

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Thursday, January 8, 2009
Must...Have...Braaaaaaains! - Scientists in London held a press conference Tuesday to urge people to donate their brains to science. They say that research into diseases such as autism and Alzheimer's is being held up by a lack of brain donors.

* Just from watching MTV, I assumed that a whole lot of people had already donated their brains to science.

* Every time someone decides to donate his brain, his friends say, "Have you lost your mind?!"

* Come on, Einstein did it! Compared to him, it's like you're giving away nothing!

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Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Singer Christopher Sands of Nottingham, England, had to stop performing with his rock band and live on disability because he's been hiccupping as often as every two seconds for the past 22 months and can't stop...I have four words for him: "Buddy Holly Cover Band."

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Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Kristin Davis, the madam who provided $1,000-an-hour call girls to former New York Gov. Elliot Spitzer, says she gets inquiries from Playboy centerfolds all the time, but rejects 4 out of 5. She says men don't like Playmates because they look “too California” and their breasts are too big and fake.

* And men HATE that!

* And their tans rub off.

* But they are willing to have sex with creepy old men for money...Just ask Hugh Hefner.

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Monday - January 5, 2009
In Chicago, an assistant high school principal and an actor from the Blue Man Group were charged with public indecency for allegedly engaging in a sex act in a lakefront park...Their excuse: a bad case of blue balls...This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Blew Men"...It was rough sex, too: the Blue Man is now a Black and Blue Man.

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Wednesday, December 24, 2008
They Start Out As Dogs, So It's Not A Big Change - The Hollywood Reporter says that Fox TV is developing a dramedy that crosses "Sex & The City" with horror. It's about a quartet of female friends in New York who are also werewolves. It will be called "Bitches."

* It's like Carrie and her friends, minus the waxing.

* Just like in "Sex & The City," their claws come out once a month.

* Three of them turn into wolves, but the narrator looks more like a horse.

* This is totally different from "Sex & The City"...The cast of that show turned into cougars.

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Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Try Putting Some Ketchup On It - AFP reports that customs inspectors in Italy seized 88 pounds of smuggled beluga caviar valued at $557,000 (US). A sample will be kept as evidence, and the rest given to charities to distribute to the poor. But the charities didn't seem very grateful. One priest said, "All donations are accepted; however, we must remember that the poor are in need of rights and dignity, more so than luxury products."

* So the priests ate all the caviar.

* He’s wrong, caviar should be distributed to the poor and starving...Hell, I'd have to be starving before I'd eat it.

* The poor themselves replied, "We appreciate the thought, but this jelly tastes like fish."

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Monday, December 22, 2008
And It's Not Michael Jordan's - First, Burger King brought out a cologne that smells like grilled meat. Now, the Daily Telegraph reports that a company called Sports Interactive is marketing "Scent of Success," a cologne that smells like a men's locker room. It's a blend of grass, boot leather, heat spray and sweat. The maker says they collected samples from a number of successful teams' dressing rooms to create it.

* They also have one that smells like the Detroit Lions' locker room...It's called "Scent of Suck."

* It has a hint of Ben Gay, and it's the perfect cologne for a guy named Ben who's gay.

* What's the point? Grilled meat and sweaty locker rooms are what men smell like when they DON'T wear cologne.

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Friday, December 19, 2008
Don't Make A Federal Case Out Of It - A former Chicago lawyer-turned-government informant told ABC that he warned the feds years ago that now-Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich used to be a bookie who paid off the mob to let him operate, and if he got into power, he'd be selling offices left and right. But nothing came of the warning.

* Blagojevich says he would've given you 10-to-1 that nothing would.

* The feds decided that the word of a mob-connected bookie was better than the word of a Chicago lawyer.

* So he’s not only a lying, foul-mouthed crook, he’s also a former mob-connected bookie? No wonder the Illinois Supreme Court refused to say he's not qualified for his office!

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Thursday, December 18, 2008
ACTUAL HEADLINE OF THE DAY! From NewsMax.com: "Obama: I Probed Myself and I'm Clean"...So he's not only a messiah, he's a proctologist...Joe Biden confirmed that Obama is both clean and articulate.

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Wednesday, December 17, 2008
New York's Gov. David Paterson wants to put taxes on 88 new items, including an 18 percent "obesity tax" on non-diet drinks. For instance, while a Diet Coke might cost $1, a regular Coke of the same size would cost $1.18...Or in a New York restaurant, a Diet Coke will be $10 and a regular Coke $11.80...If products that help people lose weight should be taxed less, shouldn't he cut the cigarette tax?...If I ever do buy the world a Coke, I'm skipping New York.

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Tuesday, December 16, 2008
They Do Cause Love Sickness - A court in Hessen, Germany, has officially ruled that having big breasts is not an illness. The case was brought by a woman whose doctors advised her to have her breasts reduced to relieve back pain. But the court found that big boobs are not a medical problem, so insurance companies don't have to pay for surgery to have them reduced.

* However, they do have to pay for the whiplash and popped eyes among men, so it might be cost-effective.

* She needed a female judge...No man can grasp the concept of breasts being too big.

* They still have to pay for her back surgery, but at least that doesn't involve making any boobs smaller.

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Monday, December 15, 2008
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is refusing to resign, but he'd better not rely on the public for support: a new state poll shows his approval rating is down to 8 percent...Question: Who ARE these people who approve?!...Even his hair style gets a higher approval rating than that!... Proving that 8 percent of Illinois residents have paid him off to get a cushy job.

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Friday, December 12, 2008
Gay rights activists are angry at Italian state TV for airing the movie "Brokeback Mountain" with all the gay sex and kissing edited out...They had to do that to fit it into a 15-minute timeslot... Audiences assumed they kept going back to that mountain to have sex with the sheep.

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Thursday, December 11, 2008
Insanity Claus – In possibly the dumbest “War on Christmas” story yet, Amazon.com recently launched a promotion called "12 Days of Holiday." After a wave of mocking from bloggers, it was quietly switched to "12 Days of Christmas."

* If they really want to boost sales, call it "The 365 Days of Christmas."

* "On the first day of Holiday, my true love gave to me, a generic bird in a plastic tree..."

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Wednesday, December 10, 2008
An Auckland, New Zealand, man won a $4.2 million lottery after he rushed up and bought a ticket at the last second because his wife had nagged him to do it all week...At last, he can afford that divorce!

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Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Miss Saigon? No, He Doesn’t! - Saturday in New Orleans, Anh “Joseph” Cao became the first Vietnamese-American Congressman after he defeated nine-term incumbent William Jefferson, who is embroiled in an FBI investigation of $100,000 in bribe money allegedly found in his freezer.

* Jefferson should've argued that these days, keeping your money in your freezer is a pretty smart idea.

* Jefferson couldn't run as strong a campaign as he wanted because all his assets were frozen.

* He started a rumor that Cao had cat meat in his freezer, but even that was an improvement.

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Monday, December 8, 2008
The Body Shop, a landmark West Hollywood strip club frequented by Motley Crue, shut down after it was heavily damaged by fire early Thursday morning...The fire rendered dozens of losers homeless...The fire was started by friction when a pair of flint-hard breasts rubbed against a copper pole.

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Friday, December 5, 2008
A poll of over 1,000 British 13-to-17-year-olds by a teen pregnancy prevention group found that 34 percent were more likely to have sex over Christmas because they feel under increased pressure to do it at this time of year...Damn mistletoe!...Girls, just because you keep hearing, "Ho, ho, ho," that doesn't mean you have to act like one.

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Thursday, December 4, 2008

Stove Top Stuffing is trying a new advertising gimmick: they're installing heating in 10 freezing Chicago-area bus stops in exchange for putting up posters for Stove Top Stuffing that say it "warms up families with hot, delicious meals"...Do you really want people to associate your food product with a Chicago bus stop?...It's very appropriate because the bus stops are covered with a warm substance that comes out of a bird...It helps you think about being home for dinner, instead of in a bus stop crammed with homeless people.

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Wednesday, December 3, 2008
A right-wing Italian party is offering parents nearly $2,000 to name their babies after Benito Mussolini, because his name is at risk of dying out..."Benito Mussolini" doesn't seem like an appropriate name for a baby, but when he reaches the age of two, it'll be perfect.

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Tuesday, December 2, 2008
There is finally a real "WKRP In Cincinnati." To promote its new digital signal, the low-power TV station WBQC has changed its call letters to WKRP, to cash in on the fame of the sitcom...They launched the name change with a Thanksgiving turkey giveaway that injured 35 people... Advertisers will come in just to see Jennifer the receptionist and discover she's a 200-pound Mexican woman.

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Monday, December 1, 2008
Last Wednesday, President Bush pardoned his last national Thanksgiving turkeys…Although if history teaches us anything, these won't be the last turkeys that Bush pardons before leaving office.

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Friday, November 28, 2008
The Bonus Brothers - Barack Obama told Barbara Walters that top CEOs should make sacrifices to show they recognize common people are going through hard times. He said if they're already worth tens of millions of dollars and are having to lay off workers, the least they can do is forgo their fat Christmas bonuses this year.

* Oh, they can do MUCH less than that.

* But they deserve those bonuses! Even in this lousy economy, they still managed to bring in billions of dollars in bailout money!

* Man, he really does believe in the power of hope!

* Just wondering: does Barbara Walters do that when ABC is laying people off?

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Turns Out That's Impossible - General Motors is so hard up for money and desperate to cut costs, they announced Monday that they are ending their nine-year endorsement deal with Tiger Woods. They've had him doing Buick ads for years, to try to give Buicks a younger, hipper image.

* Take a guess how well that worked out.

* He just helped sell Buicks to golfers, and that's who was buying them already.

* They need a cheaper celebrity athlete spokesperson, so they're trying to hire one of those Chinese Olympic gymnasts...They're Chinese, female and 13 years old, so maybe they'll work for 10 cents an hour.

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Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Let Me Be Your Teddy Bear - A 20-year-old college student in Southern China was rushed to a hospital after he tried to hug a panda. He scaled a fence at a zoo in Guilin to hug a panda named Yang Yang, and the bear bit him in the arms and legs before park officials could drag him to safety. At the hospital, he explained, "Yang Yang was so cute, and I just wanted to cuddle him. I didn't expect he would attack."

* Obviously, he didn't see "Kung Fu Panda."

* To make it clear, the zoo has changed Yang Yang's name to "Fang Fang."

* Further proof that no matter how stupid you are, you can still get into college.

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Monday, November 24, 2008

Smooth Operator - A 29-year-old German banker who got bored with finance created a few fake diplomas for himself on his computer, including a medical degree from Oxford, and got a position as a trainee doctor at the Erlangen University clinic in Bavaria. He participated in 190 operations before he was exposed and sent to jail for three years. A clinic spokesman said they never would've noticed he had no medical training if they hadn't gotten an anonymous tip.

* From a Great Dane and a pothead, pretending to be detectives.

* One possible explanation: all the other doctors at that clinic are fakes, too.

* They should've let him keep operating...An untrained surgeon couldn't possibly do more damage than a banker.

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Friday, November 21
He Took His Ball And Went To Poland - In World War II, Allied soldiers used to sing songs mocking Hitler for having only one testicle. Now, after all these years, the rumor has been proven true. A document from the 1960s has surfaced, in which a priest wrote down a confession from a former German army medic. He'd kept the secret all his life that during World War I, Hitler lost a testicle in the Battle of the Somme, and the medic treated him and saw it with his own eyes. He also recalled that medics called Hitler "The Screamer" because he was "very noisy" and was screaming, "Help, help!"

* And blaming it on the Jews.

* To be fair, that's the only time in his life that Hitler had a good reason for screaming.

* I hope it didn't make him feel cranky and like he had to prove something.

* First Hitler, then Lance Armstrong...It proves you only need one testicle to defeat France.

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Thursday, November 20, 2008
High seas pirates are getting so bold, they just made the biggest theft in the history of piracy, seizing a Saudi supertanker carrying 2 million barrels of oil...I thought the biggest theft in the history of piracy was getting so many people to pay to see "Pirates of the Caribbean 3"...Their motto: "Steal, baby, steal!"...The pirates are disappointed: they heard the ship was loaded with black gold.

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008
A Miami company is offering to take samples of people's cremated ashes, put them in small capsules, and shoot them into the moon...Great, you can spend eternity as a suppository.

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Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Justin Timberlake is being sued by a former kitchen worker on behalf of 50 employees of his Manhattan barbecue restaurant, who claim management didn't pay minimum wage or overtime and stole their tips...And made them learn ridiculous choreography...First Justin brought sexy back, now he's bringing sweatshops back.

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Monday, November 17, 2008
In an interview Wednesday, Kanye West described himself as the Michael Jordan of music and said, "I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade"...Wow, this must be a generation of insufferable egomaniacs!...He's wrong: Al Franken will steal enough votes to get into the Senate, then make it "The Al Franken Decade."

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Friday, November 14, 2008
Wine Cushions Any Fall - Ludmilla Vasko of Uzhgorod, Ukraine, fell from her 9th floor apartment balcony and plummeted 100 feet. But she landed in a giant vat of grapes that had just been harvested from nearby wine vineyards. Police said when they arrived, she was sitting in a vat of squashed grapes in shock, but aside from that, she was fine. They added that she saved the winemakers some work because she crushed most of the grapes by landing on them.

* But would anyone drink the wine if they knew what part of her landed on them?

* Plus, they could sell tickets if she'd like to try it again.

* Ironically, just before falling, she'd put a large vat of wine inside herself.

* The wine will be sold under the name "Chateau Geronimo."

* She's glad now that she didn't take that apartment next to the pineapple farm.

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Thursday, November 13, 2008
The Las Vegas Sun reports that a top Nevada gambling regulator wants the state legislature to help boost sagging revenues during the economic slump by lowering the minimum gambling age from 21 to 18...The economy is really bad: better make it 8...If they really want to make money, lower the age for visiting the brothels to 16... I'm sure they'll gamble responsibly, considering they can't even be trusted to wear condoms.

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Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The artistic director of New York's City Opera has quit due to budgetary constraints, which means the opera version of "Brokeback Mountain" he commissioned may never make it to the stage...Just as well: most theatre fans wouldn't have found it "gay enough"...This opera would never end because the fat lady has nothing to sing about...Some people bought tickets to "The Magic Flute," thinking it was the "Brokeback Mountain" opera.

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Tuesday, November 11, 2008 - Veterans' Day
Scientists with the Census of Marine Life project believe they've discovered why great white sharks travel long distances to an isolated spot in the Pacific: it's the shark version of a singles bar, where females hang out, looking for males...And the male sharks come because they smell fresh meat...Just like any singles bar, the most popular females are all nicknamed "Jaws"...It's a typical singles bar: the females are all cold-blooded maneaters, and the males all have brains the size of a peanut.

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Monday, November 10, 2008
You'll Put Your Eye Out! - Thursday, the National Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, New York, inducted three new honorees: the baby doll, the skateboard and...the stick. The curators say the stick is an all-purpose toy: no cost, all natural, and by applying a little imagination, it can be anything from a magic wand to a knight's sword.

* But not Harry Potter's wand or a "Star Wars" light saber, unless you want to be sued.

* Thanks to the stock market meltdown, it's also the most popular Christmas toy of 2008.

* When I was a kid, I was so poor, my Christmas gift was the box the stick came in.

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Friday, November 7, 2008
Barack Obama's relatives in Kenya celebrated his election with a feast that involved the slaughter of a goat named John, chosen for his extra-large testicles, considered a sign of quality breeding...Also, it seemed to symbolize his victory to devour an old goat named John who had a lot of balls...Remind me to decline any invitations to White House State Dinners.

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Thursday, November 6, 2008
They Live On Smoked Meat - The New York University School of Medicine and Bellevue Hospital analyzed 8,817 households with children under 18 from 1999 to 2002 in a study of "food insecurity," or the "inability to access enough food in a socially acceptable way for every day of the year." They found that kids and adults who live with adult smokers are more likely to go hungry.

* It's so smoky, they can't find the refrigerator.

* Thank God, all the secondhand smoking kills their appetites.

* To punish the smokers for this, politicians plan to make cigarettes even more expensive.

* On the plus side, if they live with pot smokers, the pantry is always full.

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Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Too Late To Change The Ballots To "Kendra" - Saturday in Dallas, Texas, lawyer Ken Molberg, a Democratic judicial candidate, was going door to door for votes in a lower-class neighborhood when he was attacked by a pit bull that bit him in the groin. He punched and kicked the dog away, dove into a car, and went to the hospital to get 17 stitches. He told his family, "It must have been a Republican dog."

* It was wearing lipstick.

* Probably owned by a plumber.

* His opponent immediately began airing a commercial that said, "Ken Molberg kicks dogs!...And sticks needles into his crotch!"

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Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Take The Undies And Run - AFP reports that the Brazilian lingerie maker Lucia Iorio is offering a set of sexy women's underwear composed of bikini panties, a faux pearl collar and a lacy bra with a GPS tracking device hidden in the bodice. They call it the "Find Me If You Can" lingerie set. Outraged feminists called it a high-tech chastity belt, and said men can use it to hunt down women. But the maker said a woman can always turn the GPS device off.

* But women don't wear lingerie like this because they want to turn anything off.

* News flash: men have a built-in GPS device that points them toward women in sexy lingerie.

* Non-feminists are outraged that the pearls are fake.

* One man couldn't figure out why the GPS said his girlfriend was running in circles...Turned out her bra was hanging from some guy's ceiling fan.

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Monday, November 3, 2008
What Can Brown Do For You? - A survey of 3,000 men by British hairdressser Andrew Collinge's company found that blondes may have more fun, but they have fewer husbands. The men said blondes make better girlfriends, but brunettes are better choices for wives. Nearly half of men thought blondes were more fun and outgoing, and almost 20 percent said blondes are sexier. But over half of men said they'd prefer a brunette wife because they see them as more dependable, down-to-earth and well-organized and better homemakers; while nearly half said brunettes are more loving and better cooks.

* And they won't kick their husbands' asses for saying blondes are more fun, like those redheads would.

* Now we know why Brad Pitt settled down with Angelina Jolie: she's dependable and well-organized.

* Oh, blondes get husbands...They just get someone else's.

* The moral of this story: have a brunette wife and a blonde girlfriend.

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Friday, October 31, 2008 - Happy Halloween!
Imagine How Much He'd Make If He Were Really Dead! - Forbes has released its annual list of the highest-earning dead celebrities, and once again, Elvis Presley is #1 with $52 million in income over the past year. Peanuts" creator Charles Schulz was #2, followed by Heath Ledger and Albert Einstein, whose estate made $18 million from "Baby Einstein" toys and videos.

* Plus, they get a royalty every time someone says, "Nice goin', Einstein!"

* Of course, half of Dead Elvis' money goes to Dead Col. Parker.

* Elvis proves that faking your death is still the best career move.

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Thursday, October 30, 2008
Variety reports that the Jonas Brothers have been signed to make their movie debut in a film adaptation of a popular children's book called "Walter the Farting Dog"...In a related story, the Jonas Brothers have just been arrested for murdering their agent...So, which one plays Walter?...This will be the stinkiest dog since Kelly Clarkson made her movie debut in "From Justin to Kelly."

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Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Two San Francisco artists have combined two geek obsessions to create the "My Zombie Pinup" calendar: it features photos of hot, scantily-clad women made up with gory horror movie makeup to look as if they are missing body parts...But not any of the good ones...They're not typical zombies because the one thing they don't need is "braaaaaains"...It's disarmingly scary.

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Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The Uninteresting Secret Life Of Bees - Scientists at Australia's University of Queensland have discovered that honeybees can count up to four, but lose track after that. A spokesman said it's astonishing how many human-like capacities bees have for something with a brain the size of a sesame seed.

* It's truly astonishing that something that tiny could score higher on math SATs than Jessica Simpson.

* Ironically, this would only earn bees a B-minus in math.

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Monday, October 27, 2008
Can I Get It Cheaper On The Internet? - The British Medical Journal reports that a survey of doctors in the US, Britain, New Zealand, Sweden, Israel and Denmark found that many routinely give patients placebos. 46 to 58 percent of U.S. doctors prescribe useless remedies like B12 vitamins for fatigue or antibiotics for the flu, in hopes that patients' belief in them will make them feel better.

* It's like how politicians make voters feel better by offering bailouts.

* Patients often ask if there isn't some less expensive generic equivalent of Placebo.

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Friday, October 24, 2008
Chinese martial arts master Ling Chunjiang claims he can put out 12 candles a minute by blowing air out of his eyes...It's a special form of kung fu known as "Oh yuk."

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Thursday, October 23, 2008
He's Oprah's Favorite Thing - The Drudge Report claims that Oprah Winfrey is begging Barack Obama to let her produce his half-hour TV ad, but it's not known whether it will just be Obama speaking or have produced elements.

* Dr. Oz could illustrate how Obama will unblock Washington obstruction, just like a constipated colon.

* Oprah wants to run on at the end and say, "Everyone who votes for Obama gets a free caaaaaaaaaar!!!"

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Wednesday, October 22, 2008
First Clue: He's On The National Health - Britain's Academy of Medical Royal Collegges is issuing tips for doctors to help them tell when a patient is dead. They say there have been instances where patients are presumed dead, but are really in hypothermia or a drug-induced coma. The guidelines offer doctors a more precise definition of death as the irreversible loss of the capacity for consciousness combined with irreversible loss of the capacity to breathe.

* Oh, that happens to Dick Cheney all the time, and he's still alive.

* If they're still breathing, they might just be Obamaniacs.

* That means they're either dead or listening to John Tesh on an iPod.

* This is very important in British necrophilia cases, where men often claim that they didn't know the woman was dead, they thought she was just British.

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Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Mr. Blackwell, the fashion designer famous for his snarky "worst dressed lists," died in Los Angeles Sunday at 86...He saw Ashton Kutcher wearing a hoodie at Spago, and his heart couldn't take it...As if Lindsay Lohan needed another excuse to party!...In keeping with his last wish, any mourners at his funeral will be ridiculed for wearing black in the afternoon...His body will be cremated and sealed in a concrete vault, which is what he always wanted to do to Britney Spears' wardrobe.

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Monday, October 20, 2008
God's Way Of Telling You To "Hang The F*** Up!" - The British Association of Dermatologists announced that cell phones can give you a rash on the ear and cheek. Some people develop an irritating allergy to the nickel surface of cell phones after using them for too long. It's called "mobile phone dermatitis."

* Not to be confused with "mobile phone squirmititis," which is when you're allergic to idiots who use cell phones for too long.

* Are they sure it isn't hemorrhoids? That's usually what it is when an a-hole gets irritated.

* Well, enough people wished a pox on cell phone users, and it finally came true.

* Heavy cell phone use can also cause welts, lacerations and broken bones, if you use it in a movie theater.

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Friday, October 17, 2008
The new political star of the presidential race is Joe the plumber, the Ohio plumber who asked Obama a tough question about his tax plans. During the last debate, McCain anointed Joe the plumber as the typical American worker and referred to him over 20 times; and both candidates looked into the camera and spoke to him directly, if he was watching.

* Unfortunately, being the typical American, Joe the Plumber was watching pro wrestling.

* Obama accused Republicans of allowing Joe the Plumber's job to be outsourced overseas to Bob the Builder.

* Joe the Plumber is basically just Joe Sixpack, except he charges you $50 an hour to drink beer.

* By the end, I was expecting McCain to announce that Joe the Plumber was his new running mate.

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Thursday, October 16, 2008
UCLA researchers found that for middle-aged people, surfing the Internet helps boost brain power and offset the effects of aging on the brain by stimulating the parts of the brain that control decision-making and complex reasoning...Really? Then explain all the bids for crap on eBay... You learn to make complex decisions, like, "Do I want to see nude celebrities or hot girl-on-girl action?"...For the love of God, won't SOMEBODY get John McCain a computer?!

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Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Aggie Jokes Explained – An MRI study by Texas A&M University of over 1800 adults age 60 and over proved that the more people drink, the more their brains shrink, and it's worse for women, maybe because they absorb booze faster. A Texas A&M spokesman said, "The take-home message is that, if you drink a lot, you're going to hurt your brain."

* And yet, people who drink like fish for four years straight will then receive a college degree.

* Brain shrinkage is just nature's way of helping you to forget what you did when you were drunk.

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Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Children's Crusade - The New York Post reports that the parents of O'jahnae Smith of Connecticut was surprised to learn that the activist group ACORN had registered her to vote, since she's seven years old. They think a drug-addicted relative might have filled out the form.

* ...300 times. Which entitles her to vote…300 times.

* ACORN was appalled; they assume that all the drug addicts they register are completely honest.

* Wow, Obama really is inspiring young people to vote!

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Monday, October 13, 2008
The Ad Council and a gay and lesbian group launched a series of PSAs showing celebrities breaking into ordinary people's private conversations to tell them not to say, "That's so gay," because it might offend actual gay people...That's so retarded. Oh, sorry: don't mean to offend any celebrities... The celebrities also interrupt people to tell them they're racist, sexist and voting the wrong way.

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Friday, October 10, 2008
World's Worst Hooters - The Kayabukiya tavern, a restaurant north of Tokyo, has added two trained monkeys to its wait staff. The older Macaque takes customers' drink orders and brings them to the table, while the younger one passes around hot towels. Customers pay by tipping them with boiled soya beans. The owner said the monkeys began as his pets; then he noticed they were copying his movements in the restaurant, so he put them to work as waiters. He hopes to train three baby monkeys as his next generation of waiters.

* If they don't work out, look for them on the menu, stir-fried with soya beans.

* Here's a tip: don't order a banana daiquiri. You'll never see your waiter again.

* Well, it's now official: there is no job actors can do that a trained monkey can't.

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Thursday, October 9, 2008
The living room of Nick Nolte's home near the Malibu beach was consumed by fire Tuesday morning, but Nolte had only minor injuries from smoke inhalation and cutting his hand while breaking a window to escape...Firefighters found him disheveled, incoherent, reeking of smoke and coughing his lungs out, so he's perfectly normal.

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Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Good Will Hunting And Pecking - Last week, it was revealed that the FEC is examining excessive donations to the Obama campaign from someone named "Good Will" who listed his occupation as "Loving You." They are suspected to be illegal foreign donations under a fake name. Now, CBS reports on a couple more suspicious donors who together gave $7,722. They are "Dahsudhu Hdusahfd" of "Df, Hawaii" and "Uadhshgu Hduadh" of "Dhff, Florida." The first one lists his employer as "CZXVC/ZXVZXV," while the second one works for "DASADA/SAFASF."

* I know both of those companies. They make eye charts.

* This is either blatant election fraud, or there's an organization called "Bad Typists for Obama."

* The donors can't be found because they were tricked into saying their names backwards and returned to the 5th dimension.

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Tuesday, October 7, 2008
40 Lashes! - The BBC reports that Sheikh Muhammad al-Habadan, a Muslim cleric from Saudi Arabia, thinks that women are being too slutty by wearing burkas that show both their eyes. He says women are encouraged to wear eye makeup that makes their eyes look seductive. To control the seduction of men, he thinks women should have to wear a full veil that reveals only one eye.

* The women will have no depth perception, but it doesn't matter because they're not allowed to drive.

* But every time they blink, men will think it's a wink and be seduced!

* Better yet, cover both eyes and make them be led around by a male relative.

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Monday, October 6, 2008
The "condomobile" that was stolen in Mexico City was found in a nearby parking lot, but it was missing its sound equipment, 4,000 condoms, a 23-foot inflatable condom and a device that inflates it...It's an air pump that runs on Viagra...The thief took 4,000 condoms, including one 23 feet long. Police are looking for someone with a very high opinion of himself.

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Friday, October 3, 2008
Shouldn't Have Given Him The Finger - A 70-year-old man in Limburg-Weilburg, Germany, could face attempted murder charges after he allegedly got into an argument with a cab driver about his parking, pulled out a machete, struck the cabbie in the head and chopped off his finger.

* Why would he want a cab driver's finger? You don't know where that's BEEN!

* If it was his middle finger, that could be a career-ending injury for a cab driver.

* You should see what he did to those damn kids who wouldn't get off his lawn.

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Thursday, October 2, 2008
Eat Dolphin-Free Tuna - Dolphins at Japan's Kinosaki Marine World park were put on a diet after they started failing to hit targets or stay upright. Trainers realized they'd gotten too fat to perform.

* It really became apparent when they jumped through the hoops and got stuck.

* They only stay on top of the water because fat floats.

* Michael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day and stays thin by swimming, so you can imagine how much these dolphins eat.

* It's the only theme park where the dolphins are nicknamed "Shamu."

* At this park, the name "Flipper" is short for "Pancake Flipper."

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Wednesday, Oct. 1, 2008
She Can Catch Up On Her Sleep - Two planes that were trying to land on the Greek island of Lesbos had to keep circling for 40 minutes because the air traffic controller overslept, and there was nobody to give them directions. Police said she would be suspended for a few days.

* Until then, better stay away from the landing strips on Lesbos.

* She couldn't help it; her plaid flannel work shirt was just sooooo warm and cozy...

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Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Or Gary Cherone - The London Sun reports that Led Zeppelin is planning a full reunion tour next summer. Robert Plant was reportedly holding out and wanted their one-time reunion last winter to be the end of it. But an unnamed source said the others wanted to tour, and Plant realized he couldn't face the thought of Zeppelin touring and him not being involved.

* Yeah, it just wouldn't be the same with Sammy Hagar.

* How could any man resist all those 60-year-old groupies?

* The theme of the tour: "It's Been A Really, Really, Really Long Time Since We Rock 'N' Rolled."

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Monday, September 29, 2008
Scientists at the Carnegie Institution using geothermal technologies believe they have identified the oldest rocks on Earth...They're John McCain's kidney stones...They used the same techniques to prove that the Rolling Stones are the oldest rockers on Earth.

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Friday, September 26, 2008
Cats Better Pray Mice Never Get Lawyers - Allessandro Marchesi of Parma, Italy, discovered his wife Laura's cat, Ivano, had urinated in his briefcase. So he put the cat out on the balcony for the night. The next morning, she found the cat shivering outside and was so angry, she reported her husband to an animal rights group. They got a judge to order Marchesi to pay $800 for vet expenses and emotional damages. His wife said, "I am so pleased with all the help from the lawyers. I love my cat very, very much and what happened to it affected me deeply. It is only fair that I receive some compensation." The effect on the couple's relationship was not reported.

* Let's put it this way: "The pussy is still frigid."

* If I were him, I'd pee in her purse.

* He learned his lesson: next time, let the cat stay in and kick his wife out onto the balcony.

* $800 won't cover the emotional damages...That cat will be in therapy for years.

* The cat is now organizing a class action lawsuit against dogs.

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Thursday, September 25, 2008
Wag The Dog - Masterpet, a New Zealand pet food company, made rubber chew toys with pictures of the two leading candidates for Prime Minister in the November election. They want to see if it can predict the election by finding out which candidate voters would rather see fed to the dogs.

* Except that both of them are completely sold out.

* In America, we don't need to literally feed candidates to ravenous dogs...That's why we have the press.

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Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Return To Sender - If you've ever dreamed of owning the Elvis Is Alive Museum in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, here's your chance. Andy Key bought it on eBay last year, but now, military obligations will keep him too busy to run it. The museum includes photos, FBI files, DNA reports and other alleged evidence that Elvis never died. Key paid $8,300 for it, and he's set a minimum starting bid of $15,000.

* Or, if Elvis wants it, $8,300.

* Then again, how can you put a price on something so worthless?...Uh, I mean, "Priceless!"

* The way Elvis ate, if he were still alive, he'd be dead by now.

* One word of warning: it's all evidence that Elvis Costello is still alive.

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Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Pro Boner - DeKalb, Illinois, attorney Scott Robert Erwin had his license suspended for misconduct for accepting nude dances from a stripper client as partial payment for her legal fees. The two mutually agreed that she'd perform for him in his office to reduce her bill for various legal matters and he credited her for $534. But afterward, she complained to police that he'd touched her inappropriately. He denied that and was never charged criminally, but he can't practice law for 15 months.

* He'll spend that time working as a script consultant on "Boston Legal."

* When you're paying your legal bill by dancing naked in a lawyer's office, you don't want that to lead to anything inappropriate.

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Monday, September 22, 2008
Yale astronomers say they have identified a galaxy that appears to be the dimmest galaxy in the universe...Did they have the mirrors in the telescope set on "Reflect" again?...They found it using the Hubble Space Flashlight...They named it "Keanu."

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Friday, September 19, 2008
Brad Pitt has donated $100,000 to a group fighting a California ballot proposition that would make same sex marriage illegal again...He believes that every gay man deserves the right to dream of someday marrying Brad Pitt.

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Thursday, September 18, 2008
Victim: Glen Quagmire - A man in Rising Fawn, Georgia, reports that he came home to find his door broken and $1900 worth of property missing. The burglar took jewelry, about 75 DVDs, and a black bag filled with sex toys.

* Police hope to locate the thief by listening to the buzz on the street.

* Who'd steal used sex toys? You don't know where they've been!...Well, actually, you do, and that's even worse.

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Wednesday, September 17, 2008
He Might Be Right About Itchy - Islamic cleric Sheikh Muhammad Munajid, a former Saudi diplomat to Washington, was asked to give Islam's teachings on mice on a religious show on an Arab TV network. He said cartoons such as Tom & Jerry or Mickey Mouse teach children that mice are lovable, but under Sharia law, "the mouse is a repulsive, corrupting creature," "one of Satan's soldiers" that makes everything it touches impure. He said all mice, real or cartoon, must be killed. He added, "Mickey Mouse has become an awesome character, even though according to Islamic law, Mickey Mouse should be killed in all cases."

* Unfortunately, Mickey has a power even greater than Allah: the Disney Legal Department.

* Even worse, he has a high, feminine voice.

* Laughter is also forbidden, and he mistakenly believes that Mickey Mouse is funny.

* Bad news for him: the only thing on Earth that can't be killed by a suicide bomb is a cartoon mouse.

* Good luck killing Jerry the Mouse! Tom the Cat has tried everything from an anvil to a meat ax!

* Also, Donald Duck must be stoned to death for wearing no pants.

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Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Finally, Someone Makes Money On A House Deal! - Hugh Laurie signed a deal to keep starring in "House" for about $400,000 an episode. When "House" debuted, Laurie was a little-known British actor making one of prime time's smaller paychecks, but "House" is now the second-highest-rated scripted show on TV, behind "Desperate Housewives."

* Coincidentally, $400,000 an episode is that show's Botox budget.

* $400,000 a week is what a patient would have to make to pay House's bill.

* Hugh gets $400,000 for playing a crippled, drug-addicted, medical genius with a perfect American accent, while Charlie Sheen gets twice that for playing Charlie Sheen.

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Monday, September 15, 2008
It's Not Groovy, Man! - In Colorado, Democratic Senate candidate Mark Udall is demanding that TV stations yank an ad by a conservative group called Freedom's Watch that implies he's a hippie. The ad mocks his support for Dennis Kucinich's "Department of Peace" proposal by showing an aging hippie with a VW van extolling the idea and hurriedly closing the van door when he realizes smoke is leaking out. Udall's spokesman called it outrageous to tie him to illegal pot smoking. But a Freedom Watch spokesman said the ad doesn't say that's pot smoke; it might just be the engine overheating.

* Hey, it is a VW van...

* It's possible; there's a lot of weed hidden in the exhaust pipe.

* That wasn't an actor, it was Dennis Kucinich.

* The ads were produced by a fat kid in South Park, Colorado, who says he hates damn dirty hippies.

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Friday, September 12, 2008
The new European particle collider underneath France had a successful first test Wednesday, and it did not create a black hole that swallowed the Earth...I'm sure you're relieved to hear that...More good news: if it does create a black hole, at least the French will get sucked into it first.

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Thursday, September 11, 2008
Shock And Awesome - Hotelier Sol Kerzner is launching a new Dubai resort with a star-studded, $30 million party so lavish, he claims you'll be able to see it from space. It will end with a fireworks show by the same people who did the Beijing Olympics opening ceremony's fireworks, except 10 times larger.

* Forget that stupid French particle collider; This is how the world is going to end.

* Space aliens will look down on all the fireworks and say, "Huh! Obama must be making another speech!"

* J-Lo will also be there, and you can see her ass from space.

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Wednesday, September 10, 2008
It Stinkskis! - Russian prosecutors are suing to ban the American series "South Park" from Russian TV because it "insults the feelings of religious believers and incites religious and national hatred." They were particularly incensed by "Mr. Hanky's Christmas Classics," a holiday special featuring Satan, Hitler, and a musical duet by Jesus and Santa Claus, hosted by a talking piece of excrement.

* Geraldo Rivera?

* They're just upset because in Russia, Mr. Hanky's voice is dubbed by a Vladimir Putin impersonator.

* But Russians drink so much vodka, they see stuff like that when the TV isn't even on.

* Russians are offended that some piece of crap thinks he can just invade someone else's country.

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Tuesday, September 9, 2008
The last legal brothel in Taiwan was shut down after police ruled that its 87-year-old pimp could not legally transfer his 48-year-old license to a new owner. The closure rendered his last two prostitutes jobless...They're already toothless...Why, they'll be out on the street!...Customers will really miss their Early Bird Special...Don't worry about them: they'll soon be the most popular Wal-Mart greeters in Taiwan.

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Monday, September 8, 2008
Robert Downey Jr.'s Roommate - AFP reports that an Asian elephant that got hooked on heroin after smugglers used drug-laced bananas to lure him into a trap has been cured after three years in rehab on China's Hainan Island. Vets weaned him off it with enormous shots of methadone, five times the size of those used on a man.

* That's known as the "Courtney Love 12-Step Program."

* Amy Winehouse wants to know where she can get some of those syringes.

* There's only one thing worse than an elephant on heroin, and that's an elephant that snorts cocaine.

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Friday, September 5, 2008
The Snatch Was Real - Police in Port St. Lucie, Florida, are searching for a man who snatched an elderly woman's purse while dressed as a woman. A witness said the thief was wearing a short denim skirt and black tube top, and he fled in a silver car containing two other male crossdressers. He dropped one bizarre clue: a condom filled with water that he was using as a fake breast to fill out a bra cup. Police are examining it for fingerprints and DNA.

* Good luck: it must have the fingerprints and DNA of 30 guys on it.

* He wasn't trying to rob her; he just had to have that purse!

* They are certain that it was a man because his skirt really was that short.

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Thursday, September 4, 2008
Nastia Bent Over Backwards To Win This - Wheaties cereals has chosen the two gold medal Olympians who will be honored with their own commemorative Wheaties boxes. They are gymnast Nastia Liukin and decathlete Bryan Clay. Their Wheaties boxes will appear in stores later this month.

* That's not fair! Michael Phelps actually eats Wheaties! 200 bowls a day!

* Michael Phelps' picture will appear on boxes of Purina Dolphin Chow.

* The Chinese gold medal gymnasts will appear on Gerber's Baby Cereal.

* A male gymnast who slipped while straddling the balance beam will appear on a box of Crunch Berries.

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Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Mickey Rooney Will Donate His Body To Science - Researchers in Sweden believe they've found evidence that there is a "divorce gene." It affects how the brain responds to a chemical that makes men and women feel bonded. They found that men with the gene were less likely to be married, and women who were married to them were less satisfied with their marriages. It raises hope that science could someday develop a drug that keeps marriages from falling apart.

* They already did: it's called "Television."

* The divorce gene often appears simultaneously with the "acting bug."

* They also discovered that women can have a "man repellant" gene, but so far, they've only found it in Jennifer Aniston.

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Monday, September 1, 2008
What Would Jesus Do? - Alabama steelworker Levi Zachary Humphrey needs to find a better way to celebrate his birthday. Officers in Naples, Florida, responded to a call about a man lying in a road by a bridge and found Humphrey swimming drunk and naked. They got him into a police boat, but he wouldn't talk and he spit on the boat and on an officer, which is third-degree felony battery. He finally told them his name: "Jesus Christ." He pleaded for mercy, telling the judge he was celebrating his 23rd birthday and got drunk. He got a year in jail, reduced to four months. The judge suggested that next time he goes swimming drunk and naked, "get a cape."

* If he gets naked in jail, he might want to keep the cape on in there, too.

* The cops knew he wasn't really Jesus, or else he would've turned all that water into wine.

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Friday, August 29, 2008

Simon Cowell said the new "American Idol" judge Kari DioGuardi was welcomed to the group with a slumber party, where he and Randy wore jammies, and Paula and Kari wore negligees, and they ate cake until 2 a.m...Paula ate rum cake...They would've invited Ryan Seacrest, but they only had two negligees... They're starting to sound more like the judges on "Project Runway."

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Thursday, August 28, 2008
Marketing Wizardry - Warner Brothers, the producer of the "Harry Potter" series, is suing an Indian studio for making a kids' movie called "Hari Puttar: A Comedy of Terrors." A spokesman said Hari is a popular Indian name, and their movie has nothing to do with Harry Potter.

* It's about a boy who goes off to a mystical school where he's trained to be a 7-11 clerk.

* "Hari Puttar" sounds like a rip-off of a Ron Jeremy movie.

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Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Snap Out Of It! - The London Daily Telegraph says there's yet another casting rumor about the next Batman movie. The rumor was that director Chris Nolan wants Angelina Jolie to play Catwoman, but an anonymous studio executive claims Nolan's first choice is actually Cher because he wants a Catwoman who is the "absolute opposite of Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry's purring creations." The source said Nolan wants Cher to portray Catwoman "like a vamp in her twilight years."

* In other words, he wants Cher to play Cher.

* He must think Catwoman is a cougar.

* Plus, Cher could go naked and save them the expense of buying a leather suit.

* In this movie, Batman doesn't fall in love with Catwoman, but Robin thinks she's fabulous!

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Tuesday, August 26, 2008
They Can Dance With A Singing Crab! - Seaworld owner Anheuser-Busch is being bought by Belgium's InBev, and analysts believe the new owner might want to sell off the three aquatic theme parks. So People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has written to InBev, saying they have an anonymous rich donor and want to buy one of the parks, possibly in San Diego. Their goal is to eventually turn the trained animals such as Shamu loose in the ocean and replace them with virtual reality exhibits.

* These people live in a virtual reality.

* Uh, do they understand why the park separates the penguins from the seals?

* I'm sure the animals look forward to going from being celebrities to being seafood.

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Monday, August 25, 2008
Step One: Start Using Heroin - MTV is casting for a new reality show that crosses "The Biggest Loser" with "America's Next Top Model." They are looking for overweight women who are willing to go to a boot camp and work, diet and sweat to lose 30 to 80 pounds in three months to win a $100,000 modeling contract. Obesity experts are worried, not only about the message it sends, but because they say losing more than 25 pounds in three months can be dangerous to your health.

* And the modeling industry doesn't accept people who do things that endanger their health!

* But if they don't lose it within three months, they'll be too old to become models!

* These women start at 120 pounds, and have to lose 30 to 80 to become models.

* The short ones will also be stretched on a rack until they're 5-foot-11.

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Friday, August 22, 2008

A woman in Greenfield, Wisconsin, was arrested for allegedly celebrating her 37th birthday by acting as getaway driver for her teenage son as he robbed two gas stations, and bringing her 10- and 14-year-old sons and 13-month-old daughter along for the ride...God, imagine what she'll do when she turns 40... Her son wanted money to buy her one of those "World's Coolest Mom" paperweights.

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Thursday, August 21, 2008
He Should've Gotten Cold Feet - SearchingForBigfoot.com owner Tom Biscardi is suing two Georgia men for $50,000 he gave them to let him promote the dead Bigfoot they claimed they had in a deep freeze. Biscardi sent an investigator who discovered it had a hollow head and was a costume made of plastic, rubber and polyester. Biscardi says he made an appointment with the men to get his money back, but when he arrived at their hotel, they were gone.

* Apparently, hollow heads are common in this field.

* The only big footprint that costume ever left was its carbon footprint.

* Whoever would've imagined that a professional Bigfoot hunter would be so gullible?

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Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Money! Money! Money! - Thanks to the movie "Mamma Mia!," virtually every music chart is currently topped by ABBA. The soundtrack is #1 on the Billboard 200 Album Chart, the Soundtrack chart, the Top Digital Albums chart and the Top Internet Albums chart. The Broadway version is #1 on the Original Cast Albums chart for the third week, and ABBA's greatest hits tops the Pop Catalog Albums chart.

* But buyers are very disappointed when they discover the songs aren't sung by Pierce Brosnan.

* And the New Age Album Chart is topped by an album of ABBA hits sung by whales.

* We'll know the apocalypse is nigh when ABBA tops the R&B chart.

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Bash-ful Bride - A woman from Poulsbo, Washington, ended her pre-wedding party by being hauled to jail for assault after her 12-year-old son told her he had seen her fiance kissing one of her women friends. Deputies say she kicked her friends out, ordered her fiance to leave, then started hitting him in the face. After he left, she ran after him and tackled him, punched him again, threw his watch into the bushes and broke his glasses. She was released from jail later that day, but it's not clear whether the wedding took place as planned.

* Only if his glasses are still broken and he thinks he's marrying the other woman.

* This is why it's so hard for a woman with a kid to get married again.

* The groom's friends told him he dodged a bullet...Well, not yet, but he probably will soon.

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Monday, August 18, 2008
Don't Mess With Texas - Texan Nastia Liukin won the women's gymnastics gold, with teammate Shawn Johnson taking silver, and China's Yang Yilin having to settle for bronze.

* But that will still impress the other members of her 6th grade class.

* Don't worry about the Chinese team: they just landed good jobs as dancers on the Barney the Dinosaur show.

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Friday, August 15, 2008
The British fashion industry has abandoned a plan to ban anorexic-looking "size zero" models out of fear of discrimination lawsuits and a lack of support in New York, Milan and other fashion capitals... Were they really afraid of size zeros throwing their weight around?...Anorexic models insist on working in England; it's the only place where the food doesn't tempt them... Know what they call a "size zero" in L.A.? "Fatty."

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Thursday, August 14, 2008
And Eating Nuts Is Cannibalism - The London Daily Mail reports that Al Qaeda partly lost the support of the Iraqi people by enforcing ludicrous Islamic laws. They killed ice cream salesmen because ice cream wasn't available in Mohammed's time, killed female goats because their privates weren't covered, and declared that cucumbers were male and tomatoes female, and women were not allowed to buy cucumbers because of their suggestive shape.

* They felt threatened by them...Heck, Osama bin Laden feels threatened by baby carrots.

* It's a shame because with men like them around, the women really needed those cucumbers.

* This wouldn't be a problem if the men of Al Qaeda weren't so strangely attracted to female goats.

* Women who bought tomatoes were stoned for being lesbians.

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Wednesday, August 13, 2008
A BBC Radio documentary credits the disco band Boney M with the biggest music swindle of the '70s: they had two hits that were actually the same record with the A and B sides switched, so fans who got both hits actually bought the same record twice...It was disco; who knew the difference?...Big deal: Ramones fans bought the same album 15 times...The biggest music swindle of the 1970s was charging 99 cents for a single of "Muskrat Love."

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Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Matthew McConaughey said the birth of his son will bring joy to others in the world someday because he kept the placenta and will bury it in an orchard to fertilize a fruit tree, a ritual he learned from Australian Aboriginal tribes...Or possibly on "Oprah," he's not sure... It's a ritual you must perform shirtless...For Matthew McConaughey's kid, wouldn't a nut tree be more appropriate?... Years from now, someone will eat the fruit from that tree, and he'll tell them this story, and they will spit that fruit clear across the orchard.

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Monday, August 11, 2008
Cough Up An Apology - Four American Olympic cyclists who were caught on camera unloading their bicycles in Beijing while wearing breathing masks had to issue an apology to China, saying they didn't realize that it might send a negative message.

* That message: "We...need...oxygen..."

* Also, visibility was so low, they didn't think anybody could see them.

* And inferior American vinyl must be to blame for the "mist" melting their bicycle seats.

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Friday, August 8, 2008
Sake To Me! - ABC TV journalist Martin Bashir apologized after he spoke at the Asian American Journalists' Association banquet in Chicago and said, "I'm happy to be in the midst of so many Asian babes. In fact, I'm happy that the podium covers me from the waist down." He wrote a letter to New York magazine saying, "Upon reflection, it was a tasteless remark that I now bitterly regret."

* But then, he wrote a much more entertaining letter to Penthouse magazine.

* He doesn't understand: David Letterman used that line on Connie Chung, and it went over like gangbusters.

* Just because Bill Clinton got away with it during his tour of Asia doesn't mean everybody can.

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Thursday, August 7, 2008
Beer For My Horses - Police in Kaufbeuren, Bavaria, are searching for a man who did over $2,000 worth of damage to a public toilet by taking his horse in with him. Witnesses say the man didn't want to leave his horse outside, but the horse was apparently a better judge of spatial relationships than its master and realized it couldn't fit. So it went wild and destroyed the toilet's entryway.

* Now, it fits.

* The horse immediately realized that was not its stall.

* It got spooked when George Michael tried to mount it.

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Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Sex And The Kitty - The New York Post reports that a new Manhattan-based reality show is being developed called "Cougars: NYC." It will follow five glamorous, wealthy, middle-aged women who only date men in their 20s. A producer insisted, "This isn't just horny older women chasing younger guys. It's women who are beautiful, successful and hot, who can get these younger guys because they are hot."

* And because they buy them a hot dinner.

* Also because all the women in their 20s are dating men in their 50s.

* Young guys must really be turned on by hot flashes.

* So it's like "Sex & The City," except all the women are hot.

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Tuesday, August 5, 2008
A member of the Saudi religious police in Jizan province ran afoul of the strict laws he normally enforces when he was accused of having six wives at the same time. Religious law allows him to have only four. He denied having six wives at once and claimed he had divorced two of them...Or killed them, he can't remember...It's hard to keep track when there's no paperwork...He distinctly remembers saying, "I divorce thee" six times.

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Monday, August 4, 2008
Information Highway – A survey by TechnoMetrica and Auto Futures Group found that 34 percent of Americans said that if gas went up to $6 a gallon, and they heard that their cars were really fuel-efficient, they would be willing to buy a Google or Dell-brand car.

* But not a Microsoft car: the windows freeze up, and they're always crashing.

* But would those be compatible with all the Yahoos behind the wheel?

* The Google coupe has a backseat big enough for you to lie down across it and Google yourself.

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Friday, August 1, 2008
For Male Terrorists Only - Pakistan's Daily Times says sources tell them terrorists have developed a new weapon: exploding underwear. Body searchers usually avoid the groin area out of modesty, so suicide bombers are packing their briefs with up to 15 pounds of explosives, plus bullets, ball bearings or glass shards.

* This is something we should be doing to them at Gitmo.

* If they're anything like Osama bin Laden, they have plenty of room in their briefs for all that stuff.

* Once it goes off, he won't have much use for those 72 virgins.

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Thursday, July 31, 2008
The Gaming Of The Shrew - Researchers from Germany's Bayreuth University have discovered a tree shrew in Malaysia that lives on fermented nectar but never shows signs of getting drunk, no matter how much it imbibes. They say the shrew is very similar to the last common ancestor of all living primates, including people, so studying it could reveal that humans' taste for alcohol evolved millions of years ago. They also hope to learn from it how it can take in alcohol constantly and show no ill effects.

* The research is funded by a grant from Lindsay Lohan.

* If you want to see ill effects, find the guy who's married to the alcoholic shrew.

* No ill effects? If it weren't drunk all the time, it would be walking upright by now!

* This could be the missing link between ancient primates and the Irish.

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Wednesday, July 30, 2008
They Have To Have Sex With The Doctors - Chinese Olympic officials want to avoid a repeat of the embarrassing 2006 Asia Games scandal, where a female runner from India was stripped of her silver medal after failing a gender test. So in Beijing, any suspicious-looking female athletes will be forced to take a medical test to prove they are really female. Officials have created a special sex-determination lab staffed by four experts from a Peking hospital to do the testing.

* If they have to prove they menstruate, that will rule out all the gymnasts.

* They're ordered to pee in a cup...If they can do it, they fail the test.

* This hospital actually has four staff experts on telling if a woman is really a man? Would one of them like a job working for Eddie Murphy?

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Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Hey, You! Get Offa My Lawn! - Here's a scary milestone for baby boomers: Saturday, Mick Jagger turned 65 and is now entitled to collect a basic UK state pension of $180 (US) a week, but he'll have to wait until he's 70 to collect such old age benefits as free roof insulation. When he was knighted in 2003, he was asked if this meant he'd joined the establishment he used to rail against, and he said he didn't think the establishment as he knew it exists anymore.

* All those evil corporations Mick used to rail against are gone, like Amalgamated Spats and the Fosdick Autogyro Consortium.

* Mick is 65, but he has the body of a 20-year-old...Nearly every night...Sometimes, two a night...

* It's hard to believe because the Stones don't look 65. They look 165.

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Monday, July 28, 2008
They Had To Be Drunk - An AskMen.com survey of 70,000 young men, average age 28, found that they're sick of being typecast in ads, sitcoms and pop culture as immature, insensitive horn dogs. 75 percent of the men believe they have a "soul mate," 69 percent say they would never cheat, 77 percent look for girlfriends with "wife potential," 56 percent believe that being a good husband and father makes you "manly," 57 percent cook at home and enjoy it, and 75 percent admitted they have cried over a woman.

* When they spilled their beer on their centerfold of Miss October.

* Probably because she borrowed their high heels and never returned them.

* And 80 percent believe women are dumb enough to actually believe all that.

* Men really want to be moral, faithful and committed...It's not their fault women are such whores.

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Friday, July 25, 2008
She'll Do It For $10,000 Worth Of Coke - Farmer Marlon Brooks of Norfolk, England, was finally able to terrify pigeons away from his sugar beets after he made a scarecrow that looks just like Amy Winehouse. He said Amy is doing a better job of scaring birds than she is of singing at the moment, and he'd be happy to offer her a fulltime job when the singing career is over.

* Like, now?

* The scarecrow sings, too...It sings, "If I Only Had a Brain."

* One problem: she does attract bugs.

* Of course, the scarecrow is stuffed with straw, it wears old rags, and it's been out in the weather for weeks, so it looks a lot healthier than Amy.

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Thursday, July 24, 2008
A-Rod Swings A Bat - The Daily Star claims that someone is trying to get $2 million for an alleged tape of Madonna and married Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez having sex on a couch in an apartment owned by a friend of Madonna's. The two have denied having an affair and said Madonna was just teaching A-Rod about Kabbalah. The mystery cameraman claimed via email to have secretly installed a hidden camera in the apartment. One problem: it's highly illegal to break into apartments you don't own and install hidden cameras.

* But apparently, it's okay as long as you film celebrities having sex.

* She taught A-Rod that in a pinch, those red yarn Kabbalah bracelets make serviceable handcuffs.

* This is the first movie Madonna's made where her co-star is even more like a piece of wood than she is.

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Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Roamin' Polanski - Disbarred Manhattan lawyer James Colliton pleaded guilty to statutory rape for having sex with underage girls. He was arrested near Toronto in 2006, where he had fled from police, and sentenced to three concurrent one-year terms. Now, he's suing American Express for cooperating with police. He claims they violated the card agreement to withhold customer information from third parties. He's seeking unspecified damages.

* But he will settle for Dakota Fanning's phone number.

* I knew membership had its privileges, but I didn't know they included sex with teenage girls.

* He learned his lesson: Always buy your girlfriend's Happy Meals with cash.

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Tuesday, July 22, 2008
"Do Ya Want Jamie Lynn's, Too?" - Friday, the A.P. reported that Britney Spears has agreed to give Kevin Federline full custody of their two sons. She will get three visits from them a week with at least two overnight visits. She also agreed to pay K-Fed's lawyer $250,000 and to pay K-Fed $20,000 a month in child support.

* That should take care of all the kids' needs, as long as cigarettes don't get any more expensive.

* Britney thought that seemed high until she remembered she has two kids.

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Monday, July 21, 2008
The CDC reports that America has reached a milestone: between 2005 and 2007, the number of obese people rose 2 percent to 25.6 percent, meaning over 1 in 4 Americans is officially obese.

* I'd start chanting, "We're Number One!" but it would require me to lift my finger.

* But 2 out of 4 think they're obese: all the women.

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Friday, July 18, 2008
Like Willie Wonka's Factory, But Even More Dangerous - French flight attendant Mathilde Epron of France won a contest by Nestle to be one of the first European space tourists. She’ll get four days of training in Oklahoma, then experience five minutes of weightlessness aboard a small four-seater Rocketplane XP. Epron said she threw away the winning Kit Kat bar wrapper without bothering to look at it, but two hours later, fished it out of the trash to read it.

* Okay, to be honest, she fished it out to see if she could lick any more chocolate off of it.

* This is the only way Nestle's customers will ever know what it's like to feel weightless for even five minutes.

* Most people who eat Kit Kat Bars couldn't even fit onto that spacecraft.

* The French woman will get to travel to a desolate world populated by strange aliens: Oklahoma.

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Thursday, July 17, 2008
Two Balls And A Bat - After being mentioned by gossip columns aas a factor in Alex Rodriguez's divorce, Madonna decided not to attend the All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium.

* Even though she knew everyone was going just to see her.

* Although having thousands of hot dogs thrown at her would be like one of her dreams coming true.

* Just as well: by the time that game was over, she would've needed another facelift.

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Wednesday, July 16, 2008
PBS plans to air Ian McKellan's acclaimed stage performance of Shakespeare's "King Lear," but there's some controversy over whether they'll air his full-frontal nude scene, which is meant to illustrate the aged King's physical deterioration... Really? Ian thought he looked pretty hot... They're afraid it'll give Larry King ideas.

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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Knoxed Up – Saturday in Nice, France, Angelina Jolie gave birth to a twin brother and sister named Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. Baby name experts say we can now expect a wave of babies named Knox and Vivienne, the same way the name Shiloh burst into the top 100 baby names after Pitt and Jolie had their last baby.

* But Shiloh is SO over.

* I guess we're lucky they didn't name the twins Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

* The babies weighed about six pounds each, half of that lips.

* You have no idea how disappointed Hugh Hefner was that they weren't twin sisters.

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Monday, July 14, 2008
Imprisoned Jamaican gang leader Tesha Miller could be charged with possessing contraband after jailers searched his cell for a suspected mobile phone, found nothing, and as they were leaving, heard ringing coming from up his rear end...Well, it's always the last place you look...The jailers all looked at each other and said, "Well, isn't somebody going to get that?"...Ironically, his ringtone was a George Michael song.

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Friday, July 11, 2008
Barack Obama said he regrets letting "Access Hollywood" interview his 10- and 7-year-old daughters, that they shouldn't have been put in the spotlight, and he won't allow it again... He referred reporters to their MySpace pages...From now on, it's the "Today Show" or nothing!... You should've heard what they said about him when they thought the mic wasn't on!...Here he is trying to distance himself from liberalism, and his kids go on TV and say they believe in Santa Claus!

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Thursday, July 10, 2008
The One With The Giant Ego - Several cast members of "Friends" denied a Daily Mail report that the success of the "Sex & The City" movie has convinced them to make a "Friends" reunion movie. Matthew Perry and David Schwimmer said they know nothing about it, and Jennifer Aniston's rep questioned why she would have any interest in revisiting her sitcom past.

* Not when she's setting the box office ablaze with movies like...Uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh.....

* Matt LeBlanc says he'll do it! Heck, he'd do a "Joey" reunion movie!

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Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Polish Up That Nobel Prize! - The University of Tampere in Finland studied 1,000 older men for five years and found that the best way to avoid sexual problems is to have lots of sex. The more often men age 55 to 75 had sex, the less likely they were to suffer erectile dysfunction. Older men who had sex 3 or more times a week were four times less likely to suffer ED than men who had sex less than once a week. A researcher said sexual health might simply be a matter of having to "use it or lose it."

* Although that might not be the best pickup line.

* If you're 75 and still having sex more than 3 times a week, I'm amazed you haven't used it until you've worn it off.

* However, older men who had sex 3 or more times a week were four times more likely to throw their backs out.

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Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in Berlin sparked complaints by adding a statue of Hitler in his bunker. Just minutes after the museum opened Saturday, a German man pushed two guards aside, ran up and ripped off Hitler's head...Jeez, where was this guy in 1936? If they'd done it then, they wouldn't have anything to be so touchy about now...They're not sure it was a political statement: he did the same thing to the Ben Affleck statue.

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Friday, June 27, 2008
Giddy-Upchuck - Rolling Stone is so giddy over Barack Obama, the new issue features no headlines on the cover, just the magazine's name and a huge headshot of a grinning Obama. But some wags noted that Obama's head covers part of the magazine’s name, so his photo seems to be captioned, "Roll...one."

* The unofficial slogan of Rolling Stone.

* That could explain the staff's giddiness.

* Some of the letters are obscured by Obama's golden halo.

* They'd never do that for McCain, even though he's actually old enough to be a Rolling Stone.

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Thursday, June 26, 2008
John McCain's former Viet Cong jailer claimed that McCain is lying about being tortured, and that no American POWs were ever tortured in Vietnam; but he said he'd still vote for McCain if he could... Darn! He was so close to getting his own blog at the Huffington Post, then he blew it at the end!

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Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Boy George had to cancel his summer North American tour after he was denied a visa because he's facing charges in Britain of assaulting and chaining up a male escort...Once again, the anti-terrorist laws protect America from an unwanted invasion...Britain barred Martha Stewart and America barred Boy George. I'd say they're now exactly even...This could be the big comeback opening Andrew Ridgeley has been waiting for!...Now let's see if there's something in the Federal Wildlife Act that will keep a Flock of Seagulls from coming back.

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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

That's A Job For Licensed Physicians - Florida Health Department agents in Miami arrested Anthony Donnell Solomon for providing health care services without a license. They say they learned that Solomon was hiring himself out for "pumping parties," where women would get together for a party, and he would inject silicone into their butts to make them bigger. They trapped him by setting up a fake party and waiting for him to offer to inject an undercover detective's butt.

* His lawyer claims that was just a really, really bad pickup line.

* I wonder how many guys in Miami showed up for the butt-pumping party, not even knowing it involved silicone?

* Women think their butts are too small because terrified men keep assuring them that they don't look big.

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Monday, June 23, 2008

Not On My Bucket List - The cable channel G4 is planning a new reality series called "Hurl" in which contestants gorge themselves, then are spun on a centrifuge and the last one to vomit wins. The producer said it’s no worse than what fraternity boys do and is “more wholesome and uplifting than any dating show you'd care to make."

* And it's less likely to make viewers vomit than "The Bachelorette."

* Well, I'll give him the "uplifting" part.

* That's right, the benchmark for wholesomeness on TV now is "things fraternity boys do."

* Don't we already have a reality show about people who binge and purge? It's called "America's Next Top Model."

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Friday, June 20, 2008
Comes Free With Your "Johnny Human Torch" Costume - South Australian officials have banned a toy called the Fire Footbag. It's a small fire-resistant bag that can be soaked in flammable liquid, ignited, and kicked around like a hacky-sack. Consumer Affairs Minister Jennifer Rankine said it "essentially becomes a flaming missile which presents extreme safety risks," and making it available "to children or anyone else is absurd and unacceptable."

* So we'll just have to keep soaking our hacky-sacks in kerosene.

* If you want to experience the same effect, get a couple of tennis balls, soak them in lighter fluid, and then set your balls on fire.

* It's from Hasbro's new "Penn & Teller" toy line.

* Still, they had to admit that "Flaming Firebag" would be a great nickname for someone you don't like.

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Thursday, June 19, 2008
Cook Raymundo Flores was charged with petit larceny Tuesday after co-workers at Junior's Restaurant in Brooklyn, New York, called 911 to report that they'd found frozen lobster tails Flores had allegedly hidden down his pants...So you might want to avoid the lobster tail at Junior's for awhile...They also found a case of crabs in there...He tried it once before with live lobsters and swore, "Never again!"

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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Mustachioed People In Gowns Are Just Bridesmaids - The head of the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center is urging same-sex couples to keep their weddings mainsteam and tasteful. Lorri L. Jean warned gay and lesbian couples that any freaky images will be used to boost support for a Constitutional amendment vote to ban gay marriage. One hair stylist who is planning to marry his longtime boyfriend said he knew just what she meant: no "guys showing up in gowns."

* At least not strapless.

* And if a guy does show up in a gown, no jokes about how it's a "Vera Wang."

* Actually, she meant no giant wedding cakes with two live, nude Chippendale dancers on top.

* This advice was strongly opposed by every wedding planner in California.

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Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Marked For Greatness - Between midnight Thursday and midnight Friday at Elm Street Tattoo in Dallas, tattoo artist Oliver Peck set a new Guinness World Record by completing 415 tattoos in 24 hours. Since it was Friday the 13th, everyone got the same tattoo: the unlucky number 13, which Peck tattooed onto arms, legs, backs, thighs, ankles, butts and other places.

* I assumed that one really unlucky guy got it tattooed onto him 415 times.

* He could've done twice as many if he'd just waited until July 1.

* The people who went along with this must've set a new world record for being drunk.

* Now, the people who got them are planning to set a new record for the most tattoos removed in 24 hours.

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Monday, June 16, 2008
Nothing Left To Put In It - Japanese designer Ginza Tanaka has unveiled the world's most expensive purse. It's a small clutch bag that can double as a necklace, and it's made of platinum studded with over 2,000 diamonds and priced at $2 million. The purse is touted as the ultimate accessory for the woman who has everything.

* No, that would be a man who can afford to buy it for her.

* If she really has everything, she's going to need a much bigger purse.

* According to "Sex & The City," this is the kind of purse that journalists carry.

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Friday, June 13, 2008
What A Performance! - In an apparent slap at the writers of "Grey's Anatomy," Katherine Heigl had her name removed from contention for an Emmy nomination. She told nominators, "I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant" a nomination.

* And she was afraid they'd give her an Emmy anyway if she didn't stop them.

* She deserves an Emmy just for pretending to be humble.

* After what the writers have planned for her now, she’ll deserve one next year.

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Thursday, June 12, 2008
Scientists have discovered some macaque monkeys in Indonesia that scoop up small fish in their hands and eat them, making them the first monkeys ever known to go fishing...That's nothing: parrots tell fish stories...The gay monkeys take fishing trips together...Scientists believe that once monkeys developed the ability to go fishing, they quickly developed the ability to lie, and that's when they evolved into men.

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Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Jessica Alba gave birth over the weekend to a baby girl named Honor, and Tori Spelling gave birth Monday to a daughter named Stella...So Honor will have a less attractive sidekick... Jessica wants her daughter to grow up to be a Bond girl... The name "Honor" was her husband's idea: from the first second he saw Jessica Alba, all he could think of was getting Honor.

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Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Eliza, Fetch My Gun - Columbia Pictures is planning a remake of the classic Rex Harrison/Audrey Hepburn musical, "My Fair Lady." It will use the same songs and Edwardian London settings, but the producers hope to appeal to modern audiences by filming it on actual locations to make it more realistic, and by casting a big current star as Eliza Doolittle. It's rumored that they're courting Keira Knightley.

* No, she's too skinny to play Audrey Hepburn's role.

* Let's see: someone from the gutter trying to pass as a lady...How about Paris Hilton?

* Since the Henry Higgins songs are all "talk-singing," they're casting William Shatner.

* Modern audiences won't accept people bursting into songs and dances about diction if it's not realistic.

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Monday, June 9, 2008
None Of Them Are Smarter Than A Fifth Grader - Nielsen Media Research did a study of which TV shows have the richest viewers. Tied at third place were "Heroes," "30 Rock," "Scrubs," "Lipstick Jungle," "Grey's Anatomy" and "Desperate Housewives," whose viewers' median annual income is $68,000 a year. In second place were viewers of "Lost," who make $73,000. But ironically, the richest of all, with a median income of $78,000, were fans of "The Office," the sitcom about underpaid office grunts. Nielsen didn't say which show's fans are poorest, or smartest or dumbest.

* The dumbest are the ones who think "Lost" is actually going somewhere.

* The poorest and dumbest watch "My Name Is Earl," thinking it's a documentary.

* Rich people like "The Office" because it lets them laugh at poor people.

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Friday, June 6, 2008
In her new stand-up act, Rosie O'Donnell claims that her time on "The View" started out like a tea party, but turned into a women-in-prison movie.

* Except that men enjoy watching women in prison movies.

* In women-in-prison movies, the lesbians look like Elizabeth Hasselbeck, not like Rosie O'Donnell.

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Thursday - June 5, 2008
My Guppy Died; I Need Meth - Tatum O'Neal was released without bail and will likely just be sentenced to rehab after getting busted in New York while allegedly trying to buy crack. She told New York Post columnist Andrea Peyser that the cops saved her life by preventing her from relapsing into drug use. She claimed that after a year of sobriety, she became so despondent that she felt she needed crack because her 16-year-old Scotch terrier died.

* From inhaling too much crack smoke.

* You'd think she'd need Scotch.

* She thought a 16-year-old dog would never die, but then again, she smokes crack.

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Wednesday - June 4, 2008
Repeat Business - A Boulder, Colorado, man was arrested for robbing a Starbucks after he returned to the same store two days later for coffee. He was spotted by a detective who was questioning staffers about the robbery when the man walked in, still wearing the same yellow gloves, wire-rim glasses and red backpack he had on when he robbed the Starbucks two days before.

* If he's that addicted to Starbucks, he probably hadn't been to bed in the past two days.

* The only way he could afford Starbucks coffee was to rob Starbucks.

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Tuesday, June 3, 2008
The New York Post reports that Nevada's Bunny Ranch brothel is luring customers from out of state by offering a $15 rebate to defray the new baggage fee imposed by American Airlines...So come to the Bunny Ranch and forget about the old bag back at your hotel!...Of course, you'll need to fill the entire bag with condoms...Question: if you're spending your vacation at a brothel, why do you need to pack clothes?

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Monday, June 2, 2008
By Long Distance, Naturally - Singer Clay Aiken, 29, has reportedly fathered a child by donating sperm to artificially inseminate his 50-year-old record producer and longtime friend, Jaymes Foster. She was previously married for 23 years, but this is her first pregnancy.

* Her husband obviously just wasn't the man that Clay Aiken is.

* She could've just adopted Clay.

* Think of the millions of jealous Claymates who wanted to be the ones to have his turkey baster.

* I don't want to start any rumors, but I heard she actually got the sample of Clay's sperm from Ryan Seacrest.

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Friday, May 30, 2008
Myanmar's embassies around the world are being swamped with women's panties, after a group called "Panties For Peace!" urged women to mail their underwear to ruling junta officials to shame them into allowing cyclone aid workers into the country...The group was actually started by a bunch of perverted embassy workers...So far, the embassies just think they got Tom Jones' mail by mistake...You should see their offices! Panties everywhere! It's like a cyclone hit!

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Thursday, May 29, 2006

James Gandolfini donated his wardrobe from playing Tony Soprano to a charity auction for U.S. troops. His white tank top, blue striped boxers and robe are expected to bring up to $1500, while the bloody outfit he wore when Uncle Junior shot him could bring $3,000...All the clothes look like they're bloodstained, but the others are all just marinara sauce...Who'd pay $1500 for a wifebeater undershirt? Other than Kevin Federline?...If you really want to raise money for the troops, auction off the wardrobe from "Sex & The City."

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Wednesday, May 28, 2008
The FDA warned women not to use "Mommy's Bliss Nipple Cream," marketed by MOM Enterprises to sooth nursing mother's dry or cracked nipples. It's been taken off shelves because it contains ingredients that may cause vomiting and diarrhea in infants if they ingest it.

* Oh come on, how would an infant ingest nipple cream? It has a childproof cap!

* It makes your baby vomit and get diarrhea? They have an odd definition of "Mommy's Bliss."

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Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Amy Winehouse is reportedly refusing to return to her home until it's exorcised because she claims a poltergeist attacked her and chased her out...Is she sure that deathly white, skeletal figure was a poltergeist and not just a mirror?...If Amy Winehouse can't scare away the poltergeist, what chance does an exorcist have?

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Friday, May 23, 2008

God Is My Co-Pilot - New Zealand pilots Grant Stubbs and Owen Wilson were flying a microlight airplane over seaside mountains when the gas ran out and the engine died. Both being Christians, they prayed to God to save them. Just then, the plane went over a ridge and they spotted a flat field they never knew existed. They glided the plane into a bumpy but safe emergency landing. When they stepped out, they started laughing when they saw the plane had come to a stop right next to a giant billboard that read, "Jesus Is Lord!"

* He's perfect, but He does like to brag.

* So how come He doesn't save everyone whose plane is going down? You know they're all praying.

* Then they prayed for some affordable gas, but not even Jesus could pull off that miracle.

* Next time, they should ask themselves, "What Would Jesus Do?"...Because Jesus would've filled the stupid gas tank.

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Thursday, May 22, 2008
Then Explain Sarah Jessica Parker - "Iron Man" star Gwyneth Paltrow said she had to struggle to come back to movies at age 35 after taking a couple of years off to have two kids. She felt she had lost her place because Hollywood is a cutthroat town with a short memory, where there's always someone younger, prettier or hotter. She said that trying to revive a Hollywood career after motherhood isn't easy, "especially if you are a woman and especially if you are not 25."

* Yeah, motherhood is especially hard if you're a woman.

* The good news: if you're a nursing mother and have double-D boobs, you're in.

* Why doesn't she just make movies in Europe, where people are more sophisticated than Americans and make movies starring ugly, middle-aged women that nobody pays to see?

* Maybe studios didn't want to hire her after she had a daughter she named Apple because they thought she was mentally retarded.

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Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Forget The Alamo! - A group of experts from such places as National Geographic and the Smithsonian Institution have compiled a list of the Seven Wonders of the United States. They chose the Golden Gate Bridge, South Dakota's Badlands, the Grand Canyon, New York City, Alaska's Arctic Wildlife Preserve, the Saturn V moon rocket in Alabama, and the National Mall in Washington.

* I guess they've never seen the Mall of America in Bloomington.

* And Number 8: Stevie Wonder.

* The Arctic Wildlife Preserve is a wonder because it's so full of oil.

* How could they forget the true wonders of America, like Conan O'Brien's hair, Paula Abdul's brain and David Hasselhoff's career?

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Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Hillary Said, "Waa! Waa! Waa!" - Sunday in Portland, Oregon, Barack Obama drew a crowd of 75,000. He looked out at the sea of people and said, "Wow! Wow! Wow!"

* And the crowd replied, "We all came out to hear THAT?"

* He couldn't get over it: thousands of hard-working white people!

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Monday, May 19, 2008
To combat chronic droughts and water shortages, Los Angeles plans to increase the drinking water supply by reusing heavily-cleansed sewage.

* Finally, an actual reason for celebrities to drink bottled water.

* Well, we've all been swallowing Hollywood's sewage for years, so now, it's their turn.

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Friday, May 16, 2008
A pair of fake granite tablets carried by Charlton Heston in "The Ten Commandments" will be auctioned July 31 and are expected to bring up to $60,000...Somebody must really covet them...Originally, there were three...These Commandments aren't carved into stone but into Styrofoam, which is pretty much what you'd expect from Hollywood.

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Thursday, May 15, 2008
Mostly Drinking Beer - The Dallas Morning News reports that Jorge Espinal of Ft. Worth accidentally shot himself in the back. He was drinking beer and playing poker at 3 a.m. Sunday at his home when he got up for a break and walked into another room. He said he had an itch on his back so he grabbed the first thing he saw that he could use as a backscratcher: a revolver. He scratched, and it went off. His poker buddies didn't believe he'd done it until they saw the blood on his back and took him to a hospital.

* On the bright side, his itchy spot was completely gone.

* He's just lucky he didn't have jock itch.

* And then, he went to an ear specialist, who removed the ice pick he was using as a Q-Tip.

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Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Monday, NBC officially announced that former "SNL" star Jimmy Fallon will take over "Late Night" when Conan O'Brien replaces Jay Leno next year on "The Tonight Show"...Meanwhile, Jay Leno will replace Jimmy Kimmel, and then nobody will watch Jimmy Fallon, and the circle of life will be complete...Also, the people on Jaywalking will be replaced by someone more intelligent: the Masturbating Bear.

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Tuesday, May 13, 2008
The Secret Ingredient In House Brand Cola - The newsletter Funeral Industry Insider said a new, environmentally-friendly method of body disposal is coming that will rival burial and cremation in popularity: alkaline hydrolysis, in which your dead body is dissolved by lye into a brown goo and flushed down the drain.

* And right into the water supply.

* What could be more natural than to end your life being flushed down the toilet like a goldfish?

* This is a great idea for that departed loved one who was actually hated by everybody.

* This proves that even serial killers can come up with good ideas occasionally.

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Monday, May 12, 2008
Damn Meddling Bureaucrats! - MyFoxHouston.com reports that model Sheyla Hershey claims to have the world's largest breast implants: size FFF, equivalent to two quarts of silicone per breast, and she wants them to be bigger. But Texas has put limits on the amount of silicone that can be put into the human body. Fox News Health Editor Dr. Manny Alvarez said any reputable surgeon would advise Hershey to get psychiatric evaluation before getting more silicone, adding that “at some point, we have to take a look at the definition of what looking better is."

* We know what the definition is: Size GGG boobs.

* In Texas, bigger is always better! And her boobs aren't even as big as her hairdo!

* She just feels kind of small when she stands next to the Astrodome.

* After he suggested that there might be such a thing as too much silicone, he was immediately fired by the Fox Network.

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Friday, May 9, 2008
Internet Porn! Is There Any Problem It CAN'T Solve?! - Seven middle-aged moms in Spain who posed discretely nude for a charity calendar that lost money have found an unlikely savior. The owners of Fisgonclub.com, an amateur porn site, were so moved by their plight, they paid the $10,000 printers' bill and will give the moms a live video conference this weekend to sell the remaining stock. A spokesman said when they heard how the women "used eroticism in such a natural way to achieve their aims, we knew that we had to help these courageous mothers."

* Oh, they do know they have to do the video conference naked, right?

* Once you see their nude calendar, you'll realize just how brave they are.

* Once again, Internet porn provides a happy ending!

* If anyone knows how to make money off of middle-aged moms nobody wants to see naked, it's an amateur porn site.

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Thursday, May 8, 2008

Hics Nix Licks - Christopher Sands, 24, a musician from Lincoln, England, is about to try surgery to end a case of hiccups that he's suffered since February of 2007. Doctors think a damaged stomach valve might be giving him acid reflux that is causing the hiccups. Sands said he's pinning all his hopes on the operation because the hiccups are driving him crazy: he can't eat, sleep, work, drive, or socialize, and it's next to impossible to perform with his band.

* Why doesn't he just change it to a Buddy Holly tribute band?

* On the other hand, he can't complain.

* The big question remains: How do you operate on someone who can't stop hiccupping?

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Wednesday, May 7, 2008
"Sex & The City" movie director Michael Patrick King gave away a spoiler for his own movie by refuting a rumor that Carrie's longtime lover Mr. Big dies. He said, "Kill Mr. Big? I would have been chased around the planet by women with torches!" ...But they'd be easy to outrun, since they're all wearing Manolo Blahnik shoes with five-inch heels.

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Tuesday, May 6, 2008
And He Did It Single-Handed! - Japan's Mainichi Daily News reports that a Kinokawa municipal government worker was suspended and demoted after he allegedly viewed porn websites hundreds of thousands of time on his office computer during work hours between last June and last February. They claim that during July alone he tried to access porn 177,686 times, but about 30,000 attempts were foiled by the filtering software. The claim seems unlikely, since assuming an 8-hour work day, he would have had to do nothing but try to access porn sites at the rate of one every 3.7 seconds.

* He's Japanese; he worked overtime.

* If he did that for 10 years, he'd eventually run out of porn sites.

* Wow! Who says government workers aren't efficient?!

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Monday, May 5, 2008
More magazine surveyed young women in the U.K. to ask what they want in a man, very specifically. Turns out the average woman is tired of serial relationships and wants to find a soulmate who isn't afraid of commitment and will marry her by the time she's 25. They would prefer a "good, all-round, hard-working bloke" to a glitzy celebrity. Ideally, he would earn at least $50,000 (US) a year and be named James.

* But if the woman is pushing 30, she's willing to settle for Homer.

* Too bad, all the guys she will ever meet will be named Jason.

* Unfortunately, James is looking for a hot 20-year-old with big breasts who doesn't care how much money he makes and only wants to have sex.

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Friday, May 2, 2008
Wednesday on Oprah's show, magician David Blaine set a new world record by submerging in a tank full of water and holding his breath for just over 17 minutes.

* I'd like to see Dr. Phil do that.

* His brain was so oxygen-deprived, Eckhart Tolle actually made sense to him.

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Thursday, May 1, 2008
'Scuse Us While We Kiss This Guy - Vivid Entertainment, the L.A. porn purveyor that released purloined sex tapes by Tommy and Pamela Lee and Kim Kardashian, says they will release a film of Jimi Hendrix supposedly having sex with two women. But Jimi’s ex-girlfriend Kathy Etchingham doesn't believe it’s him. She said, "In private, he was very shy and would cover up."

* That's why he wore the vests with the long, long fringe.

* And after sex, the real Jimi Hendrix did NOT douse his penis with lighter fluid and set it on fire.

* It must be Hendrix: he does things with his teeth that ordinary guys couldn't even do with both hands.

* I'd be a lot more interested if the two women in it weren't Janis Joplin and Mama Cass.

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Wednesday, April 30, 2008
It’s Better Than Her Talent For Naming Babies - Gwyneth Paltrow is trying to change her stuffy, upper crust, English manor lady image with a photo shoot for British GQ in which she is all glammed up, rolling nude in sheets and posing in sexy lingerie. The release of her inner slut is apparently not due to a midlife crisis but to a recent revelation about where her real talents lie. She said, "People came over to watch me in the film 'Emma,' and I was like, 'Oh. My. God. I'm the worst actress ever.'"

* And she couldn't have realized this before inflicting 40 bad movies with fake British accents on us?

* She's the worst actress ever and she pretends to be a British aristocrat while posing in her underwear...Madonna could sue her for plagiarism.

* If anyone were going to realize she's the worst actress ever and become a lingerie model instead, why couldn't it be Jessica Simpson?

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Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Reach Out And Nail Someone - The Kuwati newspaper Al-Qabs reports a family in Tunisia has hired a lawyer because they claim a man took their daughter's virginity by telephone. The man admits that he and the 20-year-old woman were "totally into" a phone sex conversation when the woman screamed and reported she was bleeding. He insists he never touched her, but her family's lawyer said this case requires a full investigation because a medical exam determined she was no longer a virgin, and "the intercourse did take place with all its details but verbally only."

* Wow...He's GOOD!

* If she lost her virginity during phone sex, she obviously isn't clear on how to use the phone.

* He's a telemarketer: he knows how to really screw somebody over the telephone.

* So women should stop complaining about guys who just phone it in.

* The woman had no comment...Her family stoned her.

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Monday, April 28, 2008

Buy Some Scotchguard - Three years after his couch-jumping over Katie Holmes made him a laughingstock, Tom Cruise is set to return to Oprah Winfrey's show this week for the 25th anniversary of his breakthrough movie, "Risky Business. "

* Great, now he'll bouncing on her couch in his underwear.

* Having him back on is pretty risky business.

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Friday, April 25, 2008
Colorado state Rep. Douglas Bruce is under fire from colleagues for opposing temporary visas for alien farm workers by saying that Colorado "doesn't need 5,000 more illiterate peasants."

* His colleagues were appalled: all politicians know you can never have too many illiterate peasants!

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Thursday, April 24, 2008

After losing at least $4 billion in the global credit crunch, Germany's Deutsche Bank is taking drastic corrective action: they've barred staffers from putting hotel room porn and brothel visits on their expense accounts.

* They should make that $4 billion back in just a few months.

* Now we finally know why bankers knock off work at 3 p.m.

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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Wasting Gas? He MUST Be High! - Joshua Moore of Frankfort, Kentucky, was arrested early Sunday morning after he was spotted at a gas station, pumping gas into an imaginary car. Police say they immediately smelled marijuana on him, and found he was carrying two large bags of pot, a large amount of Ecstasy and some other narcotics, and was carrying a cell phone and a lot of cash, which was indicative of drug trafficking.

* Also the fact that his imaginary car was a pimped-out Bentley.

* However, indicative of his using all those drugs personally was the fact that he was pumping gas into an imaginary car.

* He had to sell drugs to afford gas for his imaginary car...It's an SUV.

* Imagine how high he had to be if the cops could smell pot on him over all the gas.

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Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Porn To Lose - A burglar broke into The Erogenous Zone adult shop in Fullerton, California. Video cameras caught him trying to break into the cash register, but it wouldn't open. So he looked around and make a second choice: he grabbed a replica of the lower half of porn star Jenna Jamison's body, made of "Ultra Realistic" rubber skin, and made off with it. It was valued at $250.

* The upper half without the lower half is valued at...well, nothing.

* He got it for free, so he can still say he's never paid for sex.

* It's made of the same synthetic, space-age polymers that Jenna's actual body is made from.

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Monday, April 21, 2008

The Voters Have Priorities - Last Wednesday's Democratic debate drew over 11 million viewers, the highest rating for any debate so far. It even beat "Deal or No Deal" and "Big Brother." But the debate's ratings dropped off considerably when the "American Idol" results show came on opposite it. That drew 22.7 million people.

* To be fair, some of those people tuned in because they thought David Archuleta was Barack Obama.

* It's ironic because the Democratic primary race has become a combination of "Deal or No Deal," "Big Brother" and "American Idol."

* Why don't we finally end this interminable race by having Hillary and Obama each sing a Mariah Carey song and vote on that?

* A lot of people are complaining that Charles Gibson and George Stephanopolous did a bad job moderating it. A Gallup poll found that one-third felt the moderators "did their thing," one-third thought they were "appalling," and one-third thought they "looked beautiful up there."

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(Sorry for no updates this week. Computer had to go to the shop.)

Friday, April 18, 2008
In a letter on his website, Bruce Springsteen endorsed Barack Obama for president.

* But I won't decide who should be President until John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band weigh in.

* McCain's endorsed by John Phillip Sousa. He did it in 1928, but it still holds.

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Friday, April 11, 2008
"Red" Is Now "Parentheses" - Wednesday at the Toys R Us store in Times Square, Crayola announced eight new colors for its famous 64-crayon box. But all they did was change the names of existing colors to appeal to a new generation of children, who picked the new names in an online poll. And today's kids seem a bit unclear on what a "color" is. "Wild Watermelon" is now called "Awesome." "Laser Lemon" became "Super Happy," "Wild Tangerine" is "Fun In The Sun," "Screamin' Green" became "Giving Tree," "Beaver" is now "Bear Hug," "Turquoise Blue" became "Happy Ever After," "Orchid" is now "Best Friends" and "Hot Magenta" was renamed "Famous."

* Color me "Mystified."

* They must've held this contest in Japan.

* Kids call all these colors "Awesome"...because they call everything "awesome."

* This is what happens when you give kids a box of 64 crayons before you give them their Ritalin.

* The good news is that Martin Luther King's dream has come true: we finally have a colorblind society.

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Thursday, April 10, 2008
The U.S. Food Safety and Inspection Service announced the recall of 406,000 pounds of frozen cattle heads because their tonsils weren't completely removed, which is a violation of health regulations.

* I really think the cows are beyond worrying about their health at this point.

* In cows, the tonsils are called "Cowsills."

* Yeah, you wouldn't want to eat something gross like a tonsil when you're chowing down on a cow head.

* Well, I think we all learned something new today!

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Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Splitting Up - The Belgrade, Serbia, newspaper Kurir reports that local farmer Branko Zivkov and his wife Vukadinka divorced after 45 years of marriage. He said he was willing to give her half of everything they'd earned in that time, but he was furious when the court ruled he had to split all his property with her, including his farming tools. So he bought a grinder and cut every piece of equipment in two, from small tools up to his cattle scales. He said, "I still haven't decided how to split the cow. She should just say what she wants -- the part with the horns or the part withh the tail."

* She did choose to take the front end of the horse...If she wanted a horse's ass, she wouldn't be divorcing him.

* He saw this on an old episode of "Gilligan's Island," just before he cut the TV in half.

* He even took a cleaver to his collection of Mark Twain books and cleaved them in twain.

* The judge might want to rethink his ruling of shared custody of their children.

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Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Handicapable! - Police in Palo Alto, California, are searching for a man in an electric wheelchair who robbed a Wachovia Bank, rolled down the street, was hoisted into a getaway van and escaped.

* Giving rise to the question: How fat are the police in Palo Alto, if they couldn't catch this guy?

* This is what they get for giving the handicapped all the good parking spaces right in front.

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Monday, April 7, 2008

The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco ruled that it's unconstitutional for Roommates.com to make roommate-seekers state whether they are gay or straight, saying it's no different from asking people in face-to-face meetings if they were black before conducting business with them.

* And you can only do that if being black helps.

* If you're face-to-face, would you really need to ask that?

* This is San Francisco: just assume that all roommate seekers are gay.

* If your new roommate surprises you by turning out to be gay, just turn your life into a sitcom and sell it to Fox.

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Friday, April 4, 2008

Please, No Trump Nudity! - Wednesday, NBC announced its upcoming prime time TV schedule, and the network is trying something new: every hour will be a different theme. Shows that start at 8 p.m. will be "family hour," such as "The Biggest Loser" and "American Gladiators." 9 p.m. will be "blockbuster hour," with hit shows such as "Heroes" and "The Office." And 10 p.m. will be "adult themes" hour. That will include "Lipstick Jungle," "Dateline NBC" and Donald Trump's "Celebrity Apprentice."

* This year featuring porn stars selling a line of Trump Frozen Bananas.

* If there's one thing little children love, it's watching fat people lose weight.

* "The Office" could air in the family hour, but it would frighten kids into growing up chronically unemployed.

* I thought NBC's three program categories were "Barely Hanging In There," "About To Be Canceled" and "Is That Still On?"

* Not to be outdone, Fox broke its programming up into three categories: "Dumb," "Dumber," and "Jeff Foxworthy."

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Thur., April 3, 2008

Illegal Assembly - Officials in Traismauer, Austria, bought a pre-fabricated building that they planned to use as a new youth center to combat teenage crime. But plans have been put on hold because the entire building was stolen before workers could arrive to take it out of the box and assemble it. Authorities suspect local teenagers.

* The good news is that by the time they finish assembling it, they'll have actually learned a trade.

* The cops are on the lookout for a teenage gang with a Danish modern hideout by IKEA.

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Wed., April 2, 2008

Zoe Kenealy of Surrey, England, is on trial for allegedly trying to collect her husband's life insurance by hiring a hit man for $6,000, which she got by taking out a $9,000 home improvement loan.

* She needed the other $3,000 to update the bedroom for entertaining after her husband was gone.

* She figured the best way to improve her home was to have her husband out of it.

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Tues., April 1, 2008

A Silly Millimeter Shorter - Last week, 3M agreed to pay nearly $700,000 to Fresno County, California, to settle a lawsuit over false labeling. County prosecutors say their one-inch Scotch tape and other one-inch tape products were actually only 0.94 inches wide. 3M admitted no wrongdoing, but agreed to settle the case and change the label. The Fresno D.A. said, "They knew what the width was, and they seemed to want to exaggerate it."

* 3M must be run by men...I'll bet they also claimed the tape was longer than it really was.

* Fresno won $700,000 and the title of "America's Most Anal City."

* Also, somebody's gonna do hard time if it turns out that tape doesn't really come from Scotland.

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Monday, March 31, 2008

E! Online reports that Lindsay Lohan has signed to star in what sounds like a real feel-good movie: "Manson Girls." She'll play Nancy Pitman, one of the followers of serial killer Charles Manson. She was described as a rich, pill-popping, wannabe bad girl who liked dangerous men.

* Oh, that explains it! Lindsay is a method actress!

* The high point of the film is when Charles Manson tells Lindsay Lohan that she's too crazy and is freaking him out.

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Friday, March 28, 2008

The Lynx Xcor Aerospace of Mojave, California, unveiled a new wrinkle in the race to offer private commercial fights into space. It's the Lynx rocket, a four-engine ship that would take passengers on a Mach 2 ride up to 200,000 feet. It has just two seats, so there's room for only the pilot and one wealthy passenger to be shot into space.

* Or better yet, room just for Paris and Nicole.

* But John Travolta will insist on flying it himself.

* For an extra charge, you can join the 40-Miles-High Club.

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Thursday, March 27, 2008

Is There An Acrobatic Sex Medal? - French President Nicolas Sarkozy said that France is considering boycotting the Beijing Olympics if China doesn't stop its crackdown on Tibet.

* I can see his point: if I had Carla Bruni at home, I'd skip the Olympics, too.

* Of course, they could teach China a lesson by taking them on and battling to beat them, but that's not the French way.

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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Day My Brain Stood Still - Keanu Reeves told MTV News that he will play the alien Klaatu in a big-budget remake of the 1951 sci-fi classic, "The Day The Earth Stood Still." He said to update it, Klaatu won't come here to warn Earthlings about atomic weapons but about global warming. He also said the ominous robot Gort will not look like the original, but added, "Hey man, don't put that tin man down! That was iconoclastic!"

* It was so iconoclastic, it became iconic!

* Original movie: "iconic"...New movie: "moronic."

* Keanu is perfect casting: he makes all his dialogue sound like, "Klaatu barada nikto, dude."

* To modernize it, the big, scary robot who flies around hectoring us about global warming will be played by Al Gore.

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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Don't Be A Butt - The BBC's "Good Homes" magazine conducted a survey, asking people what is the most offensive social gaffe you can make when visiting someone else's home. Some of the top answers included jumping into your host's favorite armchair, putting your feet on the coffee table or taking over the TV remote. But the #1 worst was smoking in someone else's house. But one etiquette expert said she could think of far worse things guests could do, such as stealing something form the fridge or checking for dust.

* Or chewing tobacco.

* Yeah, when I "light one up" in someone's guest bathroom, I'm not smoking...although it might involve striking a match.

* Personally, I take over the armchair, put my feet on the table and grab the TV remote all at the same time.

* Anyone who thinks that's the worst behavior guests are capable of has never had my brother-in-law move in with him for six months.

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Monday, March 24, 2008

Central India's Shivpuri district has too many people and too much crime, so they're offering to trade one macho symbol for another: men who agree to get a vasectomy will receive a coupon for a fast-track gun permit.

* Two great ways to lower the population!

* That way, they won't have to feel like they're firing blanks.

* After you get a vasectomy, you still own a pistol, but it can never again be loaded.

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Friday - March 21, 2008 - Happy Easter Weekend!

A young couple in Verden, Germany, bought a used baby stroller on an Internet auction and found a loaded 9-mm pistol hidden inside it. The seller claimed it wasn't his and he didn't know how it got into the stroller.

* But his baby is in big trouble!

* Is his son named Stewie?

* His baby's motto was "Nobody puts baby in a corner! NOBODY!!!"

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Thursday, March 20, 2008
A Burning Desire To Get Arrested - Monroe County, Michigan, sheriff's deputies were on a stakeout to catch a 17-year-old alleged arsonist when they saw him walk out of his home carrying a bucket. They were stunned when he walked up to their unmarked police cruiser, unscrewed the gas cap, stuck in a siphon hose and started stealing their gas. A deputy got out of the car and chased him down. They say he later admitted to the two arsons as well as three others they didn't know about.

* And he had a lot more on his bucket list.

* The arsons weren't intentional: he's just so dumb, he siphons gas while smoking cigarettes.

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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Democratic presidential race remains in turmoil after Florida Democrats decided Monday not to hold a mail-in primary re-vote...

* It was a punch ballot; they might've hurt themselves.

* Obama had the audacity to hope they would.

* They figured, what are the chances Florida voters would not only figure out how to fill out a ballot, but then get it into an envelope, attach a stamp, address it properly and mail it? You might as well ask them to invent a perpetual motion machine.

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Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Can The Tramp Still Sniff Other Dogs' Butts? - Anti-smoking campaigners in Liverpool, England, are pressing the government to make all movies that show smoking viewable only by people over 18, claiming that children are heavily influenced by what they see on screen. Opponents pointed out that this would ban children from seeing such Disney classics as "Pinocchio," "Peter Pan," "Lady and the Tramp" and "101 Dalmatians," with Cruella DeVil and her famous cigarette holder.

* How about if they edit out the cigarette and just leave the positive behavior, like her desire to turn puppies into a fur coat?

* "Pinocchio" teaches kids that smoking turns you into a jackass, although NOT smoking also does that to some people.

* Peter Pan says if we all just believe hard enough, smoking will be safe!

* They think kids will become whatever they see, but it's not true: they see anti-smoking activists every day, and they don't all grow up to be obnoxious busybodies.

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Monday, March 17, 2008

I Predict You Will Get Gas... - The Daily Telegraph reports that psychic Jemima Packington of Worcester, England, tells the future by throwing asparagus on the floor. She said she discovered this power a few years ago when she spilled some asparagus and made a prediction that came true. The predictions are based on the shapes formed by the stalks when they land. She calls herself Britain's only "asparamancer."

* She's much more popular than the "sauce-ic," the psychic who tells your fortune by throwing spaghetti sauce on your floor.

* She predicted that her housekeeper would have a fit, and that's exactly what happened!

* She also claims to go into a trance, but she's really just vegging out.

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Friday, March 14, 2008

US magazine claims that Kevin Federline may make his Broadway debut as the singing and dancing UPS delivery man in the Broadway musical version of "Legally Blonde," because he wants "to show the world what he can do."

* Be a UPS delivery man?

* He can single-handedly kill off a hit Broadway musical.

* He's going to play a UPS driver, which is why he's gotten as fat as Kevin James on "King of Queens."

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Thursday, March 13, 2008

Could Just Be Alzheimer's - The stereotype is that people get more conservative as they get older, but University of Vermont researchers compared surveys of various age groups over 30 years and found that in general, as Americans get older, they tend to grow more liberal in their attitudes toward such issues as racial equality and civil liberties for communists. A researcher said if a 60-year-old seems to be more conservative than a 30-year-old, it just means he started out a lot more conservative to begin with, so he has a lot farther to the left to go.

* If he can live to 140, he might vote for Obama.

* If he doesn't want to shoot commies on sight, then he's three times more liberal than he used to be.

* Then explain John McCain: he's old, yet this year, he suddenly became a lot more conservative.

* They're conservative when they have to pay Social Security taxes, then they turn liberal when they start collecting it

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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Very Merry Men - The BBC reports that 1,119 volunteers gathered in Nottingham, England, to set a new world record for the most people dressed as Robin Hood. A spokesman said everyone was welcome, as long as they were prepared to make fools of themselves by wearing the minimum costume requirement of a hat with a feather, a green or brown tunic, leather footwear and green tights or trousers. This broke the previous record of 607 men in tights.

* Set at the 2007 Tony Awards.

* And every last one of them was a more convincing Robin Hood than Kevin Costner.

* Unfortunately, they forgot to get a permit, so it was broken up by the Sheriff of Nottingham.

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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Whale Of A Tale - News Limited newspapers obtained 43 reseaarch papers produced by Japan over the past 18 years, which they have used to keep their controversial whaling industry going under the guise of "scientific research." The papers said they are mostly a load of bizarre and useless experiments, such as trying to cross a whale with a cow and a study to see if they could create whale test tube babies.

* That one failed because they couldn't find big enough test tubes.

* They tried crossing a whale with a cow, but all they came up with was Kirstie Alley.

* If they ever do cross a cow with a whale, Hardee's wants to make a steak sandwich out of it.

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Monday, March 10, 2008

Doesn't He Know Stealing Is A Sin?! - A Benedictine monk was arrested in Wuerzburg, Germany, for stealing several gay porn DVDs, and police found about 230 pornographic videos in his room at the monastery.

* He's one of those self-flagellating monks.

* This redefines the term "monkey business."

* He misunderstood the term, "the right hand of God."

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Friday, March 7, 2008

Death Takes A Holiday - Mayor Gerard Lalanne of Sarpourenx, France, has signed an ordinance forbidding residents from dying. The town cemetery is overcrowded, and a court just ruled against the acquisition of adjoining land to expand it. So Lalanne issued an order that "all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish" and "offenders will be severely punished."

* It'll be a fate worse than death!

* He'll use the electric chair to shock them back to life, then electrocute them.

* That cemetery is so popular, there's a waiting list of people just dying to get in (GROUCHO JOKE!)

* Mayor Lalanne is a cousin of Jack Lalanne, who will also never die.

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Thursday, March 6, 2008

Having finally ended the writers' strike, Hollywood is bracing for another possible shutdown because on June 30, the Screen Actors' Guild contract expires and all the actors might go on strike.

* All the out-of-work actors definitely will.

* Actors can't go on strike during an election year! Who'll tell us who to vote for?!

* The strike will be over quickly once the actors learn they have to write their own picket signs.

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Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Their Face Should Be A Dickhead - Simon Cowell says he turned down a $2 million offer to be the face of Viagra, calling it “a f---ing insult,” but he did admit to wearing platform shoes to look taller and using Botox, saying it's something you do once a year and "no more unusual than toothpaste."

* He's an Englishman: he uses both Botox and toothpaste once a year.

* Simon would be the perfect spokesman for botulism toxin.

* The Botox helps him keep a straight face when listening to Paula.

* If Simon Cowell wants to be taller, he should take the Viagra. That'd do it.

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Tuesday, March 4, 2008

The Circle Of Life - The Yangtse Evening News reports that Wang Weiging of Beicheng, China, was taking a walk by a pond when he saw a seven-year-old boy struggling in the water and pulled him out. When the boy's grandfather arrived, he was stunned to recognize Wang as the man who had pulled his son - the boy's father - out of the same pond 20 years before. He made Wang a silk banner to thank him for saving two generations of his family.

* But he accidentally dropped it in the pond.

* He got so engrossed in making it, he didn't notice his wife choking on a wonton.

* And Wang gave him a gift: a coffee mug that read "World's Worst Babysitter."

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Monday, March 3, 2008

Tanks, But No Tanks - Arnold Schwarzenegger has asked an Ohio museum to return the Austrian army tank he loaned to them. He's concerned that they are not performing proper upkeep on the tank. Also, he says he plans to use it to offer tank rides to inner city kids in L.A. as an incentive to stay in school, work hard and avoid drugs.

* And join the Austrian army.

* And if they don't, they'll be crushed by a tank.

* Also, he needs it to commute in California traffic.

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Friday, Feb. 29, 2008 (Leap Day! Take a Flying Leap!)

Strip Poker - William Shane Anderson of Middletown, Delaware, allegedly had the best poker parties in town. Neighbors got suspicious of all the cars lining the streets and called police, who claim that after Anderson lost his job, he turned his "Texas Hold 'Em" night into his career. They say he was running a casino inside his house, complete with high-stakes bets, a credit card machine and liquor service. He and his wife Laurie's parenting is also under investigation because they allegedly did all this when the kids were home. And Laurie, who is a stripper, also dealt cards...topless.

* She gave a whole new meaning to "Texas Hold 'Em."

* You kids remember that the next time you whine that your mom is embarrassing you.

* His poker buddies took up a collection and raised $50,000 to bail her out.

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Thursday, Feb, 28, 2008

New Scientist reports that scientists at University of Guanajuato in Mexico and the University of Sussex shot down hopes Earth would survive the Sun expanding into a red giant in a few billion years, saying new calculations show the Earth won't survive the death of the Sun.

* We barely survived the death of Elvis.

* So, really, what's the use of even going to work anymore?

* But good news: the Sun will get by without the Earth just fine.

* Someone seriously hoped Earth would survive the death of the Sun? Not even Barack Obama has that much hope!

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Wednesday, Feb. 27, 2008

A man in Sapporo, Japan, was charged with welfare fraud. He had collected benefits for years because he claimed to be blind, until he filed a complaint to police that he had been "run over by a red car."

* Hey, he never claimed to be color blind!

* Well, it smelled red...

* Also, he got the license number.

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Tuesday, Feb. 26, 2008

Sunday on "Meet The Press," Ralph Nader announced that he'll run for president as a third party candidate again, saying his bid will "shift the power from the few to the many."

* Ironically, the people who plan to vote for him are "the few."

* His campaign slogan will be "Yes, We Can! But First, We Have to Do an Environmental Impact Study and Fill Out All These OSHA Forms!"

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Monday, Feb. 25, 2008

Serving Sara II - British newspapers report that Elizabeth Hurley and her husband, textile millionaire Arun Nayar, were accused by their Indian maid of making her work up to 70 hours a week, seven days a week, for $200, or about $2.33 an hour. UK minimum wage is $10.71. A hearing was reportedly canceled when she agreed to a five-figure settlement.

* One-hundred twenty-three dollars and 17 cents.

* The pay wasn't much, but it included room and board: she got a room, and if she cleaned too slowly, they'd hit her with a board.

* Couldn't Liz find a male servant who'd go around picking up her dirty underwear for free?

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Friday, Feb. 22, 2008

Michael Moore said now that Fidel Castro has retired, he'd like to bring him to the Oscars and let him give an acceptance speech for "Sicko," which Moore said would be a real ratings grabber.

* For whatever else is on that night.

* He could explain that Cuban health care is so great, it enables a dead man to accept an Oscar.

* Hey, nobody tunes in the Oscars just to watch rich communists congratulate themselves for three hours!

* Castro would never be welcome at the Oscars. He's not anti-Bush enough.

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Thursday, Feb. 21, 2008

Wisconsin voters apparently don't care about plagiarism charges. Barack Obama easily beat Hillary Clinton in the Wisconsin primary, winning or tying in nearly every demographic under 65.

* Obama declared, "Today I feel...like the luckiest man...on the face of the Earth..."

* People over 65 voted for Hillary, but only because they thought Obama was Irish.

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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Heat Is On - In Fontana, California, a man who had jusst bought $20 worth of tacos was accosted by a thief who demanded, "Give me your tacos!" then punched him in the face and threatened to kill him with a gun before fleeing with the tacos.

* Police believe he's making a run for the border.

* If the taco thief is caught, he could get the gas chamber, which probably wouldn't faze him.

* Wow, since Jenny Craig dumped Kirstie Alley, she's gotten desperate.

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

New Zealand's RSPCA released a Christmas CD of an inaudible song that's at such a high frequency, only dogs can hear it. To their surprise, "A Very Silent Night" hit #1 on the charts, and distributors are competing to market it worldwide.

* That's because it's sung by Bjork.

* Inaudible songs. That should be a theme week on "American Idol."

* To dogs, it sounds like the Bee Gees.

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Monday, Feb. 18, 2008

The Senate Ethics Committee admonished Sen. Larry Craig, ruling that his conduct in the airport bathroom was improper and reflected poorly on the Senate.

* They took a narrow stance.

* But he enjoys being admonished. STRONGLY admonished...

* When Senators have sex with a stranger in a public toilet, it should be a stranger of the opposite sex, the way God intended!

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Friday, Feb. 15, 2008

Police in Central England are searching for a would-be copper cable thief whom they assume must've been badly burned after they found a hacksaw embedded in an 11,000-volt power cable.

* Maybe that's all that's left.

* Even if they don't find him, I imagine he's already rehabilitated.

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Thursday, Feb. 14, 2008

You Get A Line, And I'll Get A Pole - Polish social anthropologist Michal Garappich of Roehampton University is urging British people to help Polish immigrants blend into UK society by telling more Polish jokes. He said the English like to knock down pomposity, and Poles tend to be touchy and have taboo subjects; so telling jokes about Poles would teach them not to take themselves too seriously and be a test of whether Poles were integrating into British society.

* So, how many Polish jokes would it take?

* They'll know they're integrating into modern society if they get really offended by the joke and sue.

* Jokes like, "How can you spot a Polish anthropologist? He's the one studying ants."

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Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2008

And Wonder Bread Will Become Soul Food - A study by the Pew Research Center claimss that because of immigration and high immigrant birth rates, white people will be a minority in America by 2050.

* Finally, they'll be able to dance!

* I watched the Grammy Awards; I thought they already were.

* White people had better get to breeding fast! Scarlett Johansson, give me a call!

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Tuesday, Feb. 12, 2008

A Whole New Meaning For "Torture Porn" - Over the weekend, Paris Hilton's movie, ""The Hottie & The Nottie," got horrendous reviews and very low box office returns. One critic said if you tried to imagine something worse than the worst movie you've ever seen, this would be it. Another even said, "It's a blot on Paris Hilton's dignity." Audiences agreed: the movie pulled a whopping $25,000 US weekend gross, which averages to $225 per theater, or about two moviegoers per showing.

* Both demanded their money back.

* Those moviegoers heard it starred that giant stick insect that tears through Manhattan and thought it was "Cloverfield."

* Someday, it will be the movie that time forgottie.

* A blot on Paris Hilton's dignity? That would have to be a blot tinier than the tiniest blot you've ever seen.

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Monday, Feb. 11, 2008

Disney World is planning an "American Idol" attraction that would recreate the TV auditions by allowing park guests to sing in front of other guests.

* So much for that being the Happiest Place on Earth.

* Now, people will wait in line for hours to get out.

* It'll be hosted by Sanjaya. What the heck, he's already working there, on the Jungle Boat ride.

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Friday, Feb. 8, 2008

A warehouse full of unsellable New England Patriots shirts and hats emblazoned with "19-0" in honor of their "perfect season" has been donated to a charity that will ship it to poor children in Third World nations.

* Who would still be too embarrassed to wear it.

* Those kids made that stuff; why would they want it back?

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Thursday, Feb. 7, 2008

Really Drunken Master - Sunday evening in Chappaqua, New York, a woman called police to report a naked man banging on her door. Police arrived to find that the naked man was a martial arts expert. He withstood two taserings and took a cop's baton away from him before three more cops showed up and wrestled him to the ground. A police spokesman said, "I would describe his behavior as bizarre. Was it drugs? Was it mental illness? I don't know."

* Was he a black belt? Hard to say, no belt.

* Another question: When did Bill Clinton learn martial arts?

* They knew he was a martial arts master because they could see his nunchucks.

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Wednesday, Feb. 6, 2008

Damn That Hannah Montana! - Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh Medical School studied the 279 top songs of 2005 and found that they were awash in lyrics about drugs, booze and tobacco, and two-thirds put them in positive light by associating them with partying, humor or sex, such as, "Tequila makes her clothes fall off." They calculate that Americans age 15 to 18 who listen to 2.4 hours of music a day hear 84 references to drugs, booze and tobacco a day, or over 30,000 a year.

* And if they're playing a drinking game while listening, that's 30,000 shots of tequila.

* Worse, the songs only sound good when you're drunk or high.

* Why can't kids listen to wholesome songs, like "Puff the Magic Dragon" and "Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds"?

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Tuesday, Feb. 5, 2008

Liverpool, England, has been plagued by high crime and unemployment, but civic leaders hope to boost tourism with the new Beatles-themed Hard Days Night Hotel. There are Beatles photos and art throughout; a "Yellow Submarine" jukebox; Hari's Bar, which has a Maharishi-era theme; a wedding chapel called "The Two of Us;" and two penthouse suites, one named for John and one for Paul, each renting for $1300 a night.

* If you're on a budget, there's the Pete Best Room for $29.95.

* There's also a "Come Together" honeymoon suite.

* One warning: if anyone comes in through the bathroom window, that's not part of the Beatles theme.

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Monday, Feb. 4, 2008

In an Entertainment Weekly poll, Ursula Andress, who emerged from the surf in a white bikini in "Dr. No” was named the Best Bond Girl of All Time, while Denise Richards as Christmas Jones, a nuclear physicist in hot pants in “The World Is Not Enough,” was named the worst. Critics said the filmmakers forget that Bond Girls are supposed to be both sexy and smart.

* But what could be sexier and smarter than a nuclear physicist in hot pants?!

* They forgot to make her wear glasses.

* Ursula Andress only seemed smart because men's IQs dropped 40 points when they looked at her.

* It could've been worse; if they'd made that movie today, they would've cast Jessica Simpson.

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Friday, Feb. 1, 2008

I Have A Pain-Head - Oprah Winfrey announced that she has chosen as her next Book Club pick "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose" by German spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle. He teaches that to be "in the now" is the gateway to transcending the "pain-body" and achieving a heightened sense of aliveness. To help viewers process all this, Oprah and Tolle will team up for a 10-week series of interactive classroom discussions on Oprah.com.

* I think my life's purpose is to avoid things like this.

* This is like signing up for a B.S. college course, then finding out there's a mountain of homework.

* If Oprah fans want to achieve a heightened sense of aliveness, they should see what else be on TV now.

* Just F.Y.I., Tyra Banks' new Book Club pick is "How Not To Look Old."

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Thursday, Jan. 31, 2008

Cold Stare - Australia's Mercury newspaper reports that a hotel guest in Tasmania was shocked when someone delivered a foam cooler box to his room, and inside he found a human eyeball. He brought it down to the lobby to complain, and the hotel desk clerk said he put it in the fridge because he "didn't know what else to do with it." It turned out to be a misdelivered transplant organ that was forwarded to a hospital.

* The guest didn't mind the eyeball, but he was really ticked off about the Room Service charge.

* That's what they get for using a service that mostly delivers Chinese food.

* Good thing it wasn't delivered to Russell Crowe. He would've thrown it at the desk clerk.

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Wednesday, Jan. 30, 2008

Cheeta, who started in "Tarzan" movies in the 1930s and at 75 is the world's oldest living chimp, has been signed by a publisher to put out his memoirs. A spokesman said Cheeta is one of the few Golden Age stars who's still alive, "he saw it all," and he is working with a ghostwriter on a "funny, moving and searingly honest" autobiography.

* The title: "Hollywood Is A Zoo."

* Since his co-stars are all dead, he can fling all the feces at them that he wants.

* His ghostwriter will be Dr. Doolittle's parrot.

* It's the typical story: he had to get his big break in Hollywood by swinging with an older man who wore a tiny loincloth.

* Hey, being a hairy, illiterate subhuman never stopped any other Hollywood star from writing his memoirs.

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Tuesday, Jan. 29, 2008

Portfolio magazine estimates that Britney Spears was worth about $120 million to the US economy in 2007, with $30-$40 million going to record companies, promoters and licensers and another $75 million generated by media companies that follow her around, chronicling her bizarre antics. When celebrity magazines put Britney on their covers, they sold 33 percent more copies than when she wasn't on the cover.

* That's unbelievable! There were celebrity magazines in 2007 that DIDN'T have Britney on the cover?!

* However, the opposite was true for fitness magazines.

* She's also singlehandedly keeping Starbucks, Red Bull, KFC and Jose Quervo profitable.

* And just imagine the millions her kids will one day generate for the psychotherapy industry.

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Monday, Jan. 28, 2008

"Extra" obtained Shaquille O'Neal's financial records from his divorce case, and they show that he makes $2 million a month, out of which he spends each month $1500 on cable TV, $110,000 on vacations, $17,000 on clothes and $23,000 at gas stations.

* He has a very big vehicle: The Shaquille O'Neal-Mobile.

* And of course: zero on free-throw lessons.

* Question: how do you make $2 million a month when all you do is watch TV and take vacations?

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Friday, Jan. 25, 2008

A University of Michigan study of 192 married couples over 17 years found that those who suppressed their anger were twice as likely to die as those who fought with each other. Researchers said it shows the importance of letting your anger out and learning to resolve conflict.

* It also shows the importance of learning to duck.

* Couples who fight all the time are much less likely to die, although they just keep praying for it.

* Oh no! This means Bill and Hillary are going to be around FOREVER!

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Thursday, Jan. 24, 2008

A Woman's Day/AOL Body survey asked women which TV doctor they'd most like to visit. Patrick "Dr. McDreamy" Dempsey ranked #1 with 31 percent of women, but nearly as many (28 percent) picked the cranky, sarcastic, Vicodin-addicted Dr. House (Hugh Laurie).

* But those were the women who actually had a disease.

* That's because about 28 percent of women think that they alone could change a guy like House.

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Wednesday, Jan. 23, 2008

Yu Zhenhuan of China, who holds the Guinness Record for "World's Hairiest Man" and describes himself as resembling King Kong, has broken up with his girlfriend of three years and joined an online dating service.

* Where he describes himself as resembling George Clooney.

* His ad reads, "Hairy, disgusting freak seeks woman. No fatties."

* His girlfriend just got tired of having to unclog her shower drain seven times a week.

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Tuesday, Jan. 22, 2008

A company called Inventables has created the first toaster that never burns your bread because it's transparent: it's made of heating glass so you can watch your bread toasting.

* If the writers' strike goes on much longer, this could replace television.

* One drawback: when you're not using it, it's almost impossible to find it.

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Monday, Jan. 21, 2008

The Carnon Downs Drama Group, an amateur theater company in Cornwall, England, is putting on "Robinson Crusoe," which has several stage fights with various weapons, including wooden and plastic swords, two plastic spears and a fake-looking $4 toy gun from a joke shop. Under new safety laws, police ordered them to submit an inventory of the fake weapons and appoint a "responsible guardian" to keep them locked up when not in use.

* If they fell into the wrong hands, someone could end up make-believe dead!

* The only thing deadly on that stage was the soliloquies.

* If you think this is bad, you should've seen their production of "Macbeth," where everyone got stabbed to death with a rubber chicken.

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Friday, Jan. 18, 2008

It was announced that after 12 years and 5,012 performances, the Broadway musical "Rent" will finally close June 1.

* Rendering over 2,000 gay New Yorkers homeless.

* Ironically, their lease is up.

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Thurs. Jan. 17, 2008

Hasty Decision - Paris Hilton will visit Harvard on February 6 to accept the Harvard Lampoon comedy magazine's "Hastiest Pudding of the Lampoon Award."

* Of all the possible honorees, her brain was the most like pudding.

* This marks the first and last time the words "Harvard" and "Paris Hilton" will ever appear in the same sentence.

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Wed., January 16, 2008

At the airport in Manila, a policeman frisked a Japanese traveler, felt something odd on his buttocks, and found 34 marijuana cigarettes in his underwear. He claimed he hadn't planned to sell them, he just wanted to experience smoking pot.

* Just as well he got caught; it wouldn't have been a pleasant experience.

* He was telling the truth: nobody but him would've smoked those joints.

* It was pot, but it smelled like crack.

* The cop told him, “Your ass is grass.”

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Tues. Jan. 15, 2008

Both the SAG and WGA magazines ran the same article, urging solidarity between the writers and actors unions. It reads, "Actors and writers are ideally like great sex partners. They get their individual needs met by bonding into a single being. At its best, it's hard to tell where one begins and the other ends."

* Look for the part where it turns fat and hairy: that's where the actor ends and the writer begins.

* At its worst, the result is something nobody wants to see.

* Come on, not even Hollywood starlets are dumb enough to have sex with a writer!

* You can tell the writers are on strike and this was written by an actor.

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Monday, Jan. 14, 2008

Two months after marrying Rich Salomon, Pam Anderson filed for divorce, then called the divorce off, but now says the divorce is back on, but also, she's pregnant. Salomon reportedly told friends he thinks she's "acting crazy" because of the pregnancy and hopes she'll settle down.

* He knows she's crazy because when she's normal, she divorces her husbands after four months.

* She's having twins, and carrying them very high.

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Friday, Jan. 11, 2008

Two British adventurers drove 2.600 miles from Dover to Mali in a truck they converted to run on bio-diesel fuel made from surplus chocolate.

* Wait a minute...There's SURPLUS CHOCOLATE?!

* They had women chasing them the entire way.

* I don't get it. If you're in a place that has chocolate to burn, why would you drive somewhere else?

* Nice of them to drive past a million starving Africans in a vehicle that emits chocolate fumes.

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Thursday, Jan. 10, 2008

"Wait, Those Aren't The Earpods!!" - Taser International introduced the Taser MPH, the first combination Taser and MP3 music player. It can be carried in a holster that attaches to your belt, and it holds 150 songs and shoots two darts that can deliver 50,000 volts of stun power.

* But only if it's loaded with AC/DC.

* If the shock doesn't knock your attacker unconscious, you can play some Kenny G at him.

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Wednesday, Jan. 9, 2008

After months of indignantly denying that Nicole Kidman is pregnant, her PR rep confirmed that Kidman is pregnant, saying she and husband Keith Urban "are thrilled."

* The rep then denied that Kidman and Urban are thrilled.

* Since she can't use Botox, she even looks thrilled!

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