Friday, June 27, 2008
Giddy-Upchuck - Rolling Stone is so giddy over Barrack Obama, the new issue features no headlines on the cover, just the magazine's name and a huge headshot of a grinning Obama. But some wags noted that Obama's head covers part of the magazine’s name, so his photo seems to be captioned, "Roll...one."

* The unofficial slogan of Rolling Stone.

* That could explain the staff's giddiness.

* Some of the letters are obscured by Obama's golden halo.

* They'd never do that for McCain, even though he's actually old enough to be a Rolling Stone.

Thursday, June 26, 2008
John McCain's former Viet Cong jailer claimed that McCain is lying about being tortured, and that no American POWs were ever tortured in Vietnam; but he said he'd still vote for McCain if he could... Darn! He was so close to getting his own blog at the Huffington Post, then he blew it at the end!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Boy George had to cancel his summer North American tour after he was denied a visa because he's facing charges in Britain of assaulting and chaining up a male escort...Once again, the anti-terrorist laws protect America from an unwanted invasion...Britain barred Martha Stewart and America barred Boy George. I'd say they're now exactly even...This could be the big comeback opening Andrew Ridgeley has been waiting for!...Now let's see if there's something in the Federal Wildlife Act that will keep a Flock of Seagulls from coming back.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

That's A Job For Licensed Physicians - Florida Health Department agents in Miamii arrested Anthony Donnell Solomon for providing health care services without a license. They say they learned that Solomon was hiring himself out for "pumping parties," where women would get together for a party, and he would inject silicone into their butts to make them bigger. They trapped him by setting up a fake party and waiting for him to offer to inject an undercover detective's butt.

* His lawyer claims that was just a really, really bad pickup line.

* I wonder how many guys in Miami showed up for the butt-pumping party, not even knowing it involved silicone?

* Women think their butts are too small because terrified men keep assuring them that they don't look big.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Friday, June 20, 2008
Comes Free With Your "Johnny Human Torch" Costume - South Australian officials have banned a toy called the Fire Footbag. It's a small fire-resistant bag that can be soaked in flammable liquid, ignited, and kicked around like a hacky-sack. Consumer Affairs Minister Jennifer Rankine said it "essentially becomes a flaming missile which presents extreme safety risks," and making it available "to children or anyone else is absurd and unacceptable."

* So we'll just have to keep soaking our hacky-sacks in kerosene.

* If you want to experience the same effect, get a couple of tennis balls, soak them in lighter fluid, and then set your balls on fire.

* It's from Hasbro's new "Penn & Teller" toy line.

* Still, they had to admit that "Flaming Firebag" would be a great nickname for someone you don't like.

Thursday, June 19, 2008
Cook Raymundo Flores was charged with petit larceny Tuesday after co-workers at Junior's Restaurant in Brooklyn, New York, called 911 to report that they'd found frozen lobster tails Flores had allegedly hidden down his pants...So you might want to avoid the lobster tail at Junior's for awhile...They also found a case of crabs in there...He tried it once before with live lobsters and swore, "Never again!"

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Mustachioed People In Gowns Are Just Bridesmaids - The head of the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center is urging same-sex couples to keep their weddings mainsteam and tasteful. Lorri L. Jean warned gay and lesbian couples that any freaky images will be used to boost support for a Constitutional amendment vote to ban gay marriage. One hair stylist who is planning to marry his longtime boyfriend said he knew just what she meant: no "guys showing up in gowns."

* At least not strapless.

* And if a guy does show up in a gown, no jokes about how it's a "Vera Wang."

* Actually, she meant no giant wedding cakes with two live, nude Chippendale dancers on top.

* This advice was strongly opposed by every wedding planner in California.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Marked For Greatness - Between midnight Thursday and midnight Friday at Elm Street Tattoo in Dallas, tattoo artist Oliver Peck set a new Guinness World Record by completing 415 tattoos in 24 hours. Since it was Friday the 13th, everyone got the same tattoo: the unlucky number 13, which Peck tattooed onto arms, legs, backs, thighs, ankles, butts and other places.

* I assumed that one really unlucky guy got it tattooed onto him 415 times.

* He could've done twice as many if he'd just waited until July 1.

* The people who went along with this must've set a new world record for being drunk.

* Now, the people who got them are planning to set a new record for the most tattoos removed in 24 hours.

Monday, June 16, 2008
Nothing Left To Put In It - Japanese designer Ginza Tanaka has unveiled the world's most expensive purse. It's a small clutch bag that can double as a necklace, and it's made of platinum studded with over 2,000 diamonds and priced at $2 million. The purse is touted as the ultimate accessory for the woman who has everything.

* No, that would be a man who can afford to buy it for her.

* If she really has everything, she's going to need a much bigger purse.

* According to "Sex & The City," this is the kind of purse that journalists carry.

Friday, June 13, 2008
What A Performance! - In an apparent slap at the writers of "Grey's Anatomy," Katherine Heigl had her name removed from contention for an Emmy nomination. She told nominators, "I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant" a nomination.

* And she was afraid they'd give her an Emmy anyway if she didn't stop them.

* She deserves an Emmy just for pretending to be humble.

* After what the writers have planned for her now, she’ll deserve one next year.

Thursday, June 12, 2008
Scientists have discovered some macaque monkeys in Indonesia that scoop up small fish in their hands and eat them, making them the first monkeys ever known to go fishing...That's nothing: parrots tell fish stories...The gay monkeys take fishing trips together...Scientists believe that once monkeys developed the ability to go fishing, they quickly developed the ability to lie, and that's when they evolved into men.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Jessica Alba gave birth over the weekend to a baby girl named Honor, and Tori Spelling gave birth Monday to a daughter named Stella...So Honor will have a less attractive sidekick... Jessica wants her daughter to grow up to be a Bond girl... The name "Honor" was her husband's idea: from the first second he saw Jessica Alba, all he could think of was getting Honor.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Eliza, Fetch My Gun - Columbia Pictures is planning a remake of the classic Rex Harrison/Audrey Hepburn musical, "My Fair Lady." It will use the same songs and Edwardian London settings, but the producers hope to appeal to modern audiences by filming it on actual locations to make it more realistic, and by casting a big current star as Eliza Doolittle. It's rumored that they're courting Keira Knightley.

* No, she's too skinny to play Audrey Hepburn's role.

* Let's see: someone from the gutter trying to pass as a lady...How about Paris Hilton?

* Since the Henry Higgins songs are all "talk-singing," they're casting William Shatner.

* Modern audiences won't accept people bursting into songs and dances about diction if it's not realistic.
 

Monday, June 9, 2008
None Of Them Are Smarter Than A Fifth Grader - Nielsen Media Research did a study of which TV shows have the richest viewers. Tied at third place were "Heroes," "30 Rock," "Scrubs," "Lipstick Jungle," "Grey's Anatomy" and "Desperate Housewives," whose viewers' median annual income is $68,000 a year. In second place were viewers of "Lost," who make $73,000. But ironically, the richest of all, with a median income of $78,000, were fans of "The Office," the sitcom about underpaid office grunts. Nielsen didn't say which show's fans are poorest, or smartest or dumbest.

* The dumbest are the ones who think "Lost" is actually going somewhere.

* The poorest and dumbest watch "My Name Is Earl," thinking it's a documentary.

* Rich people like "The Office" because it lets them laugh at poor people.

Friday, June 6, 2008
In her new stand-up act, Rosie O'Donnell claims that her time on "The View" started out like a tea party, but turned into a women-in-prison movie.

*  Except that men enjoy watching women in prison movies.

*  In women-in-prison movies, the lesbians look like Elizabeth Hasselbeck, not like Rosie O'Donnell.

Thursday - June 5, 2008<
My Guppy Died; I Need Meth - Tatum O'Neal was released without bail and will likely just be sentenced to rehab after getting busted in New York while allegedly trying to buy crack. She told New York Post columnist Andrea Peyser that the cops saved her life by preventing her from relapsing into drug use. She claimed that after a year of sobriety, she became so despondent that she felt she needed crack because her 16-year-old Scotch terrier died.

* From inhaling too much crack smoke.

* You'd think she'd need Scotch.

* She thought a 16-year-old dog would never die, but then again, she smokes crack.

Wednesday - June 4, 2008<
Repeat Business - A Boulder, Colorado, man was arrested for robbing a Starbucks after he returned to the same store two days later for coffee. He was spotted by a detective who was questioning staffers about the robbery when the man walked in, still wearing the same yellow gloves, wire-rim glasses and red backpack he had on when he robbed the Starbucks two days before.

* If he's that addicted to Starbucks, he probably hadn't been to bed in the past two days.

* The only way he could afford Starbucks coffee was to rob Starbucks.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008
The New York Post reports that Nevada's Bunny Ranch brothel is luring customers from out of state by offering a $15 rebate to defray the new baggage fee imposed by American Airlines...So come to the Bunny Ranch and forget about the old bag back at your hotel!...Of course, you'll need to fill the entire bag with condoms...Question: if you're spending your vacation at a brothel, why do you need to pack clothes?

Monday, June 2, 2008
By Long Distance, Naturally - Singer Clay Aiken, 29, has reportedly fathered a child by donating sperm to artificially inseminate his 50-year-old record producer and longtime friend, Jaymes Foster. She was previously married for 23 years, but this is her first pregnancy.

* Her husband obviously just wasn't the man that Clay Aiken is.

* She could've just adopted Clay.

* Think of the millions of jealous Claymates who wanted to be the ones to have his turkey baster.

* I don't want to start any rumors, but I heard she actually got the sample of Clay's sperm from Ryan Seacrest.

Friday, May 30, 2008
Myanmar's embassies around the world are being swamped with women's panties, after a group called "Panties For Peace!" urged women to mail their underwear to ruling junta officials to shame them into allowing cyclone aid workers into the country...The group was actually started by a bunch of perverted embassy workers...So far, the embassies just think they got Tom Jones' mail by mistake...You should see their offices! Panties everywhere! It's like a cyclone hit!

Thursday, May 29, 2006

James Gandolfini donated his wardrobe from playing Tony Soprano to a charity auction for U.S. troops. His white tank top, blue striped boxers and robe are expected to bring up to $1500, while the bloody outfit he wore when Uncle Junior shot him could bring $3,000...All the clothes look like they're bloodstained, but the others are all just marinara sauce...Who'd pay $1500 for a wifebeater undershirt? Other than Kevin Federline?...If you really want to raise money for the troops, auction off the wardrobe from "Sex & The City."

Wednesday, May 28, 2008
The FDA warned women not to use "Mommy's Bliss Nipple Cream," marketed by MOM Enterprises to sooth nursing mother's dry or cracked nipples. It's been taken off shelves because it contains ingredients that may cause vomiting and diarrhea in infants if they ingest it.

* Oh come on, how would an infant ingest nipple cream? It has a childproof cap!

* It makes your baby vomit and get diarrhea? They have an odd definition of "Mommy's Bliss."

Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Amy Winehouse is reportedly refusing to return to her home until it's exorcised because she claims a poltergeist attacked her and chased her out...Is she sure that deathly white, skeletal figure was a poltergeist and not just a mirror?...If Amy Winehouse can't scare away the poltergeist, what chance does an exorcist have?

Friday, May 23, 2008

God Is My Co-Pilot - New Zealand pilots Grant Stubbs and Owen Wilson were flying a microlight airplane over seaside mountains when the gas ran out and the engine died. Both being Christians, they prayed to God to save them. Just then, the plane went over a ridge and they spotted a flat field they never knew existed. They glided the plane into a bumpy but safe emergency landing. When they stepped out, they started laughing when they saw the plane had come to a stop right next to a giant billboard that read, "Jesus Is Lord!"

* He's perfect, but He does like to brag.

* So how come He doesn't save everyone whose plane is going down? You know they're all praying.

* Then they prayed for some affordable gas, but not even Jesus could pull off that miracle.

* Next time, they should ask themselves, "What Would Jesus Do?"...Because Jesus would've filled the stupid gas tank.

Thursday, May 22, 2008
Then Explain Sarah Jessica Parker - "Iron Man" star Gwyneth Paltrow said she had to struggle to come back to movies at age 35 after taking a couple of years off to have two kids. She felt she had lost her place because Hollywood is a cutthroat town with a short memory, where there's always someone younger, prettier or hotter. She said that trying to revive a Hollywood career after motherhood isn't easy, "especially if you are a woman and especially if you are not 25."

* Yeah, motherhood is especially hard if you're a woman.

* The good news: if you're a nursing mother and have double-D boobs, you're in.

* Why doesn't she just make movies in Europe, where people are more sophisticated than Americans and make movies starring ugly, middle-aged women that nobody pays to see?

* Maybe studios didn't want to hire her after she had a daughter she named Apple because they thought she was mentally retarded.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Forget The Alamo! - A group of experts from such places as National Geographic and the Smithsonian Institution have compiled a list of the Seven Wonders of the United States. They chose the Golden Gate Bridge, South Dakota's Badlands, the Grand Canyon, New York City, Alaska's Arctic Wildlife Preserve, the Saturn V moon rocket in Alabama, and the National Mall in Washington.

* I guess they've never seen the Mall of America in Bloomington.

* And Number 8: Stevie Wonder.

* The Arctic Wildlife Preserve is a wonder because it's so full of oil.

*  How could they forget the true wonders of America, like Conan O'Brien's hair, Paula Abdul's brain and David Hasselhoff's career?

Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Hillary Said, "Waa! Waa! Waa!" - Sunday in Portland, Oregon, Barack Obama drew a crowd of 75,000. He looked out at the sea of people and said, "Wow! Wow! Wow!"

* And the crowd replied, "We all came out to hear THAT?"

* He couldn't get over it: thousands of hard-working white people!

Monday, May 19, 2008
To combat chronic droughts and water shortages, Los Angeles plans to increase the drinking water supply by reusing heavily-cleansed sewage.

*  Finally, an actual reason for celebrities to drink bottled water.

*  Well, we've all been swallowing Hollywood's sewage for years, so now, it's their turn.

Friday, May 16, 2008
A pair of fake granite tablets carried by Charlton Heston in "The Ten Commandments" will be auctioned July 31 and are expected to bring up to $60,000...Somebody must really covet them...Originally, there were three...These Commandments aren't carved into stone but into Styrofoam, which is pretty much what you'd expect from Hollywood.


Thursday, May 15, 2008
Mostly Drinking Beer - The Dallas Morning News reports that Jorge Espinal of Ft. Worth accidentally shot himself in the back. He was drinking beer and playing poker at 3 a.m. Sunday at his home when he got up for a break and walked into another room. He said he had an itch on his back so he grabbed the first thing he saw that he could use as a backscratcher: a revolver. He scratched, and it went off. His poker buddies didn't believe he'd done it until they saw the blood on his back and took him to a hospital.

* On the bright side, his itchy spot was completely gone.

* He's just lucky he didn't have jock itch.

* And then, he went to an ear specialist, who removed the ice pick he was using as a Q-Tip.


Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Monday, NBC officially announced that former "SNL" star Jimmy Fallon will take over "Late Night" when Conan O'Brien replaces Jay Leno next year on "The Tonight Show"...Meanwhile, Jay Leno will replace Jimmy Kimmel, and then nobody will watch Jimmy Fallon, and the circle of life will be complete...Also, the people on Jaywalking will be replaced by someone more intelligent: the Masturbating Bear.


Tuesday, May 13, 2008
The Secret Ingredient In House Brand Cola - The newsletter Funeral Industry Insider said a new, environmentally-friendly method of body disposal is coming that will rival burial and cremation in popularity: alkaline hydrolysis, in which your dead body is dissolved by lye into a brown goo and flushed down the drain.

* And right into the water supply.

* What could be more natural than to end your life being flushed down the toilet like a goldfish?

* This is a great idea for that departed loved one who was actually hated by everybody.

* This proves that even serial killers can come up with good ideas occasionally.


Monday, May 12, 2008
Damn Meddling Bureaucrats! - MyFoxHouston.com reports that model Sheyla Hershey claims to have the world's largest breast implants: size FFF, equivalent to two quarts of silicone per breast, and she wants them to be bigger. But Texas has put limits on the amount of silicone that can be put into the human body. Fox News Health Editor Dr. Manny Alvarez said any reputable surgeon would advise Hershey to get psychiatric evaluation before getting more silicone, adding that “at some point, we have to take a look at the definition of what looking better is."

* We know what the definition is: Size GGG boobs.

* In Texas, bigger is always better! And her boobs aren't even as big as her hairdo!

* She just feels kind of small when she stands next to the Astrodome.

* After he suggested that there might be such a thing as too much silicone, he was immediately fired by the Fox Network.


Friday, May 9, 2008
Internet Porn! Is There Any Problem It CAN'T Solve?!  - Seven middle-aged moms in Spain who posed discretely nude for a charity calendar that lost money have found an unlikely savior. The owners of Fisgonclub.com, an amateur porn site, were so moved by their plight, they paid the $10,000 printers' bill and will give the moms a live video conference this weekend to sell the remaining stock. A spokesman said when they heard how the women "used eroticism in such a natural way to achieve their aims, we knew that we had to help these courageous mothers."

* Oh, they do know they have to do the video conference naked, right?

* Once you see their nude calendar, you'll realize just how brave they are.

* Once again, Internet porn provides a happy ending!

* If anyone knows how to make money off of middle-aged moms nobody wants to see naked, it's an amateur porn site.


Thursday, May 8, 2008

Hics Nix Licks - Christopher Sands, 24, a musician from Lincoln, England, is about to try surgery to end a case of hiccups that he's suffered since February of 2007. Doctors think a damaged stomach valve might be giving him acid reflux that is causing the hiccups. Sands said he's pinning all his hopes on the operation because the hiccups are driving him crazy: he can't eat, sleep, work, drive, or socialize, and it's next to impossible to perform with his band.

* Why doesn't he just change it to a Buddy Holly tribute band?

* On the other hand, he can't complain.

* The big question remains: How do you operate on someone who can't stop hiccupping?

Wednesday, May 7, 2008
"Sex & The City" movie director Michael Patrick King gave away a spoiler for his own movie by refuting a rumor that Carrie's longtime lover Mr. Big dies. He said, "Kill Mr. Big? I would have been chased around the planet by women with torches!" ...But they'd be easy to outrun, since they're all wearing Manolo Blahnik shoes with five-inch heels.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008
And He Did It Single-Handed! - Japan's Mainichi Daily News reports that a Kinokawa municipal government worker was suspended and demoted after he allegedly viewed porn websites hundreds of thousands of time on his office computer during work hours between last June and last February. They claim that during July alone he tried to access porn 177,686 times, but about 30,000 attempts were foiled by the filtering software. The claim seems unlikely, since assuming an 8-hour work day, he would have had to do nothing but try to access porn sites at the rate of one every 3.7 seconds.

* He's Japanese; he worked overtime.

* If he did that for 10 years, he'd eventually run out of porn sites.

* Wow! Who says government workers aren't efficient?!

Monday, May 5, 2008
More magazine surveyed young women in the U.K. to ask what they want in a man, very specifically. Turns out the average woman is tired of serial relationships and wants to find a soulmate who isn't afraid of commitment and will marry her by the time she's 25. They would prefer a "good, all-round, hard-working bloke" to a glitzy celebrity. Ideally, he would earn at least $50,000 (US) a year and be named James.

* But if the woman is pushing 30, she's willing to settle for Homer.

* Too bad, all the guys she will ever meet will be named Jason.

* Unfortunately, James is looking for a hot 20-year-old with big breasts who doesn't care how much money he makes and only wants to have sex.

Friday, May 2, 2008
Wednesday on Oprah's show, magician David Blaine set a new world record by submerging in a tank full of water and holding his breath for just over 17 minutes.

*  I'd like to see Dr. Phil do that.

*  His brain was so oxygen-deprived, Eckhart Tolle actually made sense to him.

Thursday, May 1, 2008
'Scuse Us While We Kiss This Guy - Vivid Entertainment, the L.A. porn purveyor that released purloined sex tapes by Tommy and Pamela Lee and Kim Kardashian, says they will release a film of Jimi Hendrix supposedly having sex with two women. But Jimi’s ex-girlfriend Kathy Etchingham doesn't believe it’s him. She said, "In private, he was very shy and would cover up."

* That's why he wore the vests with the long, long fringe.

* And after sex, the real Jimi Hendrix did NOT douse his penis with lighter fluid and set it on fire.

* It must be Hendrix: he does things with his teeth that ordinary guys couldn't even do with both hands.

* I'd be a lot more interested if the two women in it weren't Janis Joplin and Mama Cass.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008
It’s Better Than Her Talent For Naming Babies - Gwyneth Paltrow is trying to change her stuffy, upper crust, English manor lady image with a photo shoot for British GQ in which she is all glammed up, rolling nude in sheets and posing in sexy lingerie. The release of her inner slut is apparently not due to a midlife crisis but to a recent revelation about where her real talents lie. She said, "People came over to watch me in the film 'Emma,' and I was like, 'Oh. My. God. I'm the worst actress ever.'"

* And she couldn't have realized this before inflicting 40 bad movies with fake British accents on us?

* She's the worst actress ever and she pretends to be a British aristocrat while posing in her underwear...Madonna could sue her for plagiarism.

* If anyone were going to realize she's the worst actress ever and become a lingerie model instead, why couldn't it be Jessica Simpson?

Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Reach Out And Nail Someone - The Kuwati newspaper Al-Qabs reports a family in Tunisia has hired a lawyer because they claim a man took their daughter's virginity by telephone. The man admits that he and the 20-year-old woman were "totally into" a phone sex conversation when the woman screamed and reported she was bleeding. He insists he never touched her, but her family's lawyer said this case requires a full investigation because a medical exam determined she was no longer a virgin, and "the intercourse did take place with all its details but verbally only."

* Wow...He's GOOD!

* If she lost her virginity during phone sex, she obviously isn't clear on how to use the phone.

* He's a telemarketer: he knows how to really screw somebody over the telephone.

* So women should stop complaining about guys who just phone it in.

* The woman had no comment...Her family stoned her.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Buy Some Scotchguard - Three years after his couch-jumping over Katie Holmes made him a laughingstock, Tom Cruise is set to return to Oprah Winfrey's show this week for the 25th anniversary of his breakthrough movie, "Risky Business. "

*  Great, now he'll bouncing on her couch in his underwear.

*  Having him back on is pretty risky business.

Friday, April 25, 2008
Colorado state Rep. Douglas Bruce is under fire from colleagues for opposing temporary visas for alien farm workers by saying that Colorado "doesn't need 5,000 more illiterate peasants."

*  His colleagues were appalled: all politicians know you can never have too many illiterate peasants!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

After losing at least $4 billion in the global credit crunch, Germany's Deutsche Bank is taking drastic corrective action: they've barred staffers from putting hotel room porn and brothel visits on their expense accounts.

*  They should make that $4 billion back in just a few months.

*  Now we finally know why bankers knock off work at 3 p.m.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Wasting Gas? He MUST Be High! - Joshua Moore of Frankfort, Kentucky, was arrested early Sunday morning after he was spotted at a gas station, pumping gas into an imaginary car. Police say they immediately smelled marijuana on him, and found he was carrying two large bags of pot, a large amount of Ecstasy and some other narcotics, and was carrying a cell phone and a lot of cash, which was indicative of drug trafficking.

* Also the fact that his imaginary car was a pimped-out Bentley.

* However, indicative of his using all those drugs personally was the fact that he was pumping gas into an imaginary car.

* He had to sell drugs to afford gas for his imaginary car...It's an SUV.

* Imagine how high he had to be if the cops could smell pot on him over all the gas.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Porn To Lose - A burglar broke into The Erogenous Zone adult shop in Fullerton, California. Video cameras caught him trying to break into the cash register, but it wouldn't open. So he looked around and make a second choice: he grabbed a replica of the lower half of porn star Jenna Jamison's body, made of "Ultra Realistic" rubber skin, and made off with it. It was valued at $250.

* The upper half without the lower half is valued at...well, nothing.

* He got it for free, so he can still say he's never paid for sex.

* It's made of the same synthetic, space-age polymers that Jenna's actual body is made from.

Monday, April 21, 2008

The Voters Have Priorities - Last Wednesday's Democratic debate drew over 11 million viewers, the highest rating for any debate so far. It even beat "Deal or No Deal" and "Big Brother." But the debate's ratings dropped off considerably when the "American Idol" results show came on opposite it. That drew 22.7 million people.

* To be fair, some of those people tuned in because they thought David Archuleta was Barack Obama.

* It's ironic because the Democratic primary race has become a combination of "Deal or No Deal," "Big Brother" and "American Idol."

* Why don't we finally end this interminable race by having Hillary and Obama each sing a Mariah Carey song and vote on that?

* A lot of people are complaining that Charles Gibson and George Stephanopolous did a bad job moderating it.  A Gallup poll found that one-third felt the moderators "did their thing," one-third thought they were "appalling," and one-third thought they "looked beautiful up there."

Friday, April 18, 2008
In a letter on his website, Bruce Springsteen endorsed Barack Obama for president.

*  But I won't decide who should be President until John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band weigh in.

*  McCain's endorsed by John Phillip Sousa. He did it in 1928, but it still holds.

Friday, April 11, 2008
"Red" Is Now "Parentheses" - Wednesday at the Toys R Us store in Times Square, Crayola announced eight new colors for its famous 64-crayon box. But all they did was change the names of existing colors to appeal to a new generation of children, who picked the new names in an online poll. And today's kids seem a bit unclear on what a "color" is. "Wild Watermelon" is now called "Awesome." "Laser Lemon" became "Super Happy," "Wild Tangerine" is "Fun In The Sun," "Screamin' Green" became "Giving Tree," "Beaver" is now "Bear Hug," "Turquoise Blue" became "Happy Ever After," "Orchid" is now "Best Friends" and "Hot Magenta" was renamed "Famous."

* Color me "Mystified."

* They must've held this contest in Japan.

* Kids call all these colors "Awesome"...because they call everything "awesome."

* This is what happens when you give kids a box of 64 crayons before you give them their Ritalin.

* The good news is that Martin Luther King's dream has come true: we finally have a colorblind society.

Thursday, April 10, 2008
The U.S. Food Safety and Inspection Service announced the recall of 406,000 pounds of frozen cattle heads because their tonsils weren't completely removed, which is a violation of health regulations.

*  I really think the cows are beyond worrying about their health at this point.

*  In cows, the tonsils are called "Cowsills."

*  Yeah, you wouldn't want to eat something gross like a tonsil when you're chowing down on a cow head.

*  Well, I think we all learned something new today!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Splitting Up - The Belgrade, Serbia, newspaper Kurir reports that local farmer Branko Zivkov and his wife Vukadinka divorced after 45 years of marriage. He said he was willing to give her half of everything they'd earned in that time, but he was furious when the court ruled he had to split all his property with her, including his farming tools. So he bought a grinder and cut every piece of equipment in two, from small tools up to his cattle scales. He said, "I still haven't decided how to split the cow. She should just say what she wants -- the part with the horns or the part with the tail."

*  She did choose to take the front end of the horse...If she wanted a horse's ass, she wouldn't be divorcing him.

* He saw this on an old episode of "Gilligan's Island," just before he cut the TV in half.

* He even took a cleaver to his collection of Mark Twain books and cleaved them in twain.

* The judge might want to rethink his ruling of shared custody of their children.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Handicapable! - Police in Palo Alto, California, are searching for a man in an electric wheelchair who robbed a Wachovia Bank, rolled down the street, was hoisted into a getaway van and escaped.

* Giving rise to the question: How fat are the police in Palo Alto, if they couldn't catch this guy?

* This is what they get for giving the handicapped all the good parking spaces right in front.

Monday, April 7, 2008

The 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco ruled that it's unconstitutional for Roommates.com to make roommate-seekers state whether they are gay or straight, saying it's no different from asking people in face-to-face meetings if they were black before conducting business with them.

*  And you can only do that if being black helps.

*  If you're face-to-face, would you really need to ask that?

*  This is San Francisco: just assume that all roommate seekers are gay.

*  If your new roommate surprises you by turning out to be gay, just turn your life into a sitcom and sell it to Fox.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Please, No Trump Nudity! - Wednesday, NBC announced its upcoming prime time TV schedule, and the network is trying something new: every hour will be a different theme. Shows that start at 8 p.m. will be "family hour," such as "The Biggest Loser" and "American Gladiators." 9 p.m. will be "blockbuster hour," with hit shows such as "Heroes" and "The Office." And 10 p.m. will be "adult themes" hour. That will include "Lipstick Jungle," "Dateline NBC" and Donald Trump's "Celebrity Apprentice."

* This year featuring porn stars selling a line of Trump Frozen Bananas.

* If there's one thing little children love, it's watching fat people lose weight.

* "The Office" could air in the family hour, but it would frighten kids into growing up chronically unemployed.

* I thought NBC's three program categories were "Barely Hanging In There," "About To Be Canceled" and "Is That Still On?"

* Not to be outdone, Fox broke its programming up into three categories: "Dumb," "Dumber," and "Jeff Foxworthy."

Thur., April 3, 2008

Illegal Assembly - Officials in Traismauer, Austria, bought a pre-fabricated building that they planned to use as a new youth center to combat teenage crime. But plans have been put on hold because the entire building was stolen before workers could arrive to take it out of the box and assemble it. Authorities suspect local teenagers.

* The good news is that by the time they finish assembling it, they'll have actually learned a trade.

* The cops are on the lookout for a teenage gang with a Danish modern hideout by IKEA.

Wed., April 2, 2008

Zoe Kenealy of Surrey, England, is on trial for allegedly trying to collect her husband's life insurance by hiring a hit man for $6,000, which she got by taking out a $9,000 home improvement loan.

*  She needed the other $3,000 to update the bedroom for entertaining after her husband was gone.

*  She figured the best way to improve her home was to have her husband out of it.

Tues., April 1, 2008

A Silly Millimeter Shorter - Last week, 3M agreed to pay nearly $700,000 to Fresno County, California, to settle a lawsuit over false labeling. County prosecutors say their one-inch Scotch tape and other one-inch tape products were actually only 0.94 inches wide. 3M admitted no wrongdoing, but agreed to settle the case and change the label. The Fresno D.A. said, "They knew what the width was, and they seemed to want to exaggerate it."

* 3M must be run by men...I'll bet they also claimed the tape was longer than it really was.

* Fresno won $700,000 and the title of "America's Most Anal City."

* Also, somebody's gonna do hard time if it turns out that tape doesn't really come from Scotland.

Monday, March 31, 2008

E! Online reports that Lindsay Lohan has signed to star in what sounds like a real feel-good movie: "Manson Girls."  She'll play Nancy Pitman, one of the followers of serial killer Charles Manson. She was described as a rich, pill-popping, wannabe bad girl who liked dangerous men.

*  Oh, that explains it! Lindsay is a method actress!

*  The high point of the film is when Charles Manson tells Lindsay Lohan that she's too crazy and is freaking him out.

Friday, March 28, 2008

The Lynx Xcor Aerospace of Mojave, California, unveiled a new wrinkle in the race to offer private commercial fights into space. It's the Lynx rocket, a four-engine ship that would take passengers on a Mach 2 ride up to 200,000 feet. It has just two seats, so there's room for only the pilot and one wealthy passenger to be shot into space.

* Or better yet, room just for Paris and Nicole.

* But John Travolta will insist on flying it himself.

* For an extra charge, you can join the 40-Miles-High Club.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Is There An Acrobatic Sex Medal? - French President Nicolas Sarkozy said that France is considering boycotting the Beijing Olympics if China doesn't stop its crackdown on Tibet.

*  I can see his point: if I had Carla Bruni at home, I'd skip the Olympics, too.

*  Of course, they could teach China a lesson by taking them on and battling to beat them, but that's not the French way.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Day My Brain Stood Still - Keanu Reeves told MTV News that he will play the alien Klaatu in a big-budget remake of the 1951 sci-fi classic, "The Day The Earth Stood Still." He said to update it, Klaatu won't come here to warn Earthlings about atomic weapons but about global warming. He also said the ominous robot Gort will not look like the original, but added, "Hey man, don't put that tin man down! That was iconoclastic!"

* It was so iconoclastic, it became iconic!

* Original movie: "iconic"...New movie: "moronic."

* Keanu is perfect casting: he makes all his dialogue sound like, "Klaatu barada nikto, dude."

* To modernize it, the big, scary robot who flies around hectoring us about global warming will be played by Al Gore.

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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Don't Be A Butt - The BBC's "Good Homes" magazine conducted a survey, asking people what is the most offensive social gaffe you can make when visiting someone else's home. Some of the top answers included jumping into your host's favorite armchair, putting your feet on the coffee table or taking over the TV remote. But the #1 worst was smoking in someone else's house. But one etiquette expert said she could think of far worse things guests could do, such as stealing something form the fridge or checking for dust.

*  Or chewing tobacco.

*  Yeah, when I "light one up" in someone's guest bathroom, I'm not smoking...although it might involve striking a match.

*  Personally, I take over the armchair, put my feet on the table and grab the TV remote all at the same time.

*  Anyone who thinks that's the worst behavior guests are capable of has never had my brother-in-law move in with him for six months.


Monday, March 24, 2008

Central India's Shivpuri district has too many people and too much crime, so they're offering to trade one macho symbol for another: men who agree to get a vasectomy will receive a coupon for a fast-track gun permit.

*  Two great ways to lower the population!

*  That way, they won't have to feel like they're firing blanks.

*  After you get a vasectomy, you still own a pistol, but it can never again be loaded.

Friday - March 21, 2008 - Happy Easter Weekend!

A young couple in Verden, Germany, bought a used baby stroller on an Internet auction and found a loaded 9-mm pistol hidden inside it. The seller claimed it wasn't his and he didn't know how it got into the stroller.

*  But his baby is in big trouble!

*  Is his son named Stewie?

*  His baby's motto was "Nobody puts baby in a corner! NOBODY!!!"

Thursday, March 20, 2008

A Burning Desire To Get Arrested - Monroe County, Michigan, sheriff's deputies were on a stakeout to catch a 17-year-old alleged arsonist when they saw him walk out of his home carrying a bucket. They were stunned when he walked up to their unmarked police cruiser, unscrewed the gas cap, stuck in a siphon hose and started stealing their gas. A deputy got out of the car and chased him down. They say he later admitted to the two arsons as well as three others they didn't know about.

* And he had a lot more on his bucket list.

* The arsons weren't intentional: he's just so dumb, he siphons gas while smoking cigarettes.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Democratic presidential race remains in turmoil after Florida Democrats decided Monday not to hold a mail-in primary re-vote...

*  It was a punch ballot; they might've hurt themselves.

*  Obama had the audacity to hope they would.

*  They figured, what are the chances Florida voters would not only figure out how to fill out a ballot, but then get it into an envelope, attach a stamp, address it properly and mail it? You might as well ask them to invent a perpetual motion machine.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Can The Tramp Still Sniff Other Dogs' Butts? - Anti-smoking campaigners in Liverpool, England, are pressing the government to make all movies that show smoking viewable only by people over 18, claiming that children are heavily influenced by what they see on screen.  Opponents pointed out that this would ban children from seeing such Disney classics as "Pinocchio," "Peter Pan," "Lady and the Tramp" and "101 Dalmatians," with Cruella DeVil and her famous cigarette holder.

* How about if they edit out the cigarette and just leave the positive behavior, like her desire to turn puppies into a fur coat?

* "Pinocchio" teaches kids that smoking turns you into a jackass, although NOT smoking also does that to some people.

* Peter Pan says if we all just believe hard enough, smoking will be safe!

* They think kids will become whatever they see, but it's not true: they see anti-smoking activists every day, and they don't all grow up to be obnoxious busybodies.

Monday, March 17, 2008

I Predict You Will Get Gas... - The Daily Telegraph reports that psychic Jemima Packington of Worcester, England, tells the future by throwing asparagus on the floor. She said she discovered this power a few years ago when she spilled some asparagus and made a prediction that came true. The predictions are based on the shapes formed by the stalks when they land. She calls herself Britain's only "asparamancer."

* She's much more popular than the "sauce-ic," the psychic who tells your fortune by throwing spaghetti sauce on your floor.

* She also claims to go into a trance, but she's really just vegging out.

Friday, March 14, 2008

US magazine claims that Kevin Federline may make his Broadway debut as the singing and dancing UPS delivery man in the Broadway musical version of "Legally Blonde," because he wants "to show the world what he can do."

*  Be a UPS delivery man?

*  He can single-handedly kill off a hit Broadway musical.

*  He's going to play a UPS driver, which is why he's gotten as fat as Kevin James on "King of Queens."

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Could Just Be Alzheimer's - The stereotype is that people get more conservative as they get older, but University of Vermont researchers compared surveys of various age groups over 30 years and found that in general, as Americans get older, they tend to grow more liberal in their attitudes toward such issues as racial equality and civil liberties for communists. A researcher said if a 60-year-old seems to be more conservative than a 30-year-old, it just means he started out a lot more conservative to begin with, so he has a lot farther to the left to go.

* If he can live to 140, he might vote for Obama.

* If he doesn't want to shoot commies on sight, then he's three times more liberal than he used to be.

* Then explain John McCain: he's old, yet this year, he suddenly became a lot more conservative.

* They're conservative when they have to pay Social Security taxes, then they turn liberal when they start collecting it

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Very Merry Men - The BBC reports that 1,119 volunteers gathered in Nottingham, England, to set a new world record for the most people dressed as Robin Hood. A spokesman said everyone was welcome, as long as they were prepared to make fools of themselves by wearing the minimum costume requirement of a hat with a feather, a green or brown tunic, leather footwear and green tights or trousers. This broke the previous record of 607 men in tights.

* Set at the 2007 Tony Awards.

* And every last one of them was a more convincing Robin Hood than Kevin Costner.

* Unfortunately, they forgot to get a permit, so it was broken up by the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Whale Of A Tale - News Limited newspapers obtained 43 research papers produced by Japan over the past 18 years, which they have used to keep their controversial whaling industry going under the guise of "scientific research." The papers said they are mostly a load of bizarre and useless experiments, such as trying to cross a whale with a cow and a study to see if they could create whale test tube babies.

* That one failed because they couldn't find big enough test tubes.

* They tried crossing a whale with a cow, but all they came up with was Kirstie Alley.

* If they ever do cross a cow with a whale, Hardee's wants to make a steak sandwich out of it.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Doesn't He Know Stealing Is A Sin?! - A Benedictine monk was arrested in Wuerzburg, Germany, for stealing several gay porn DVDs, and police found about 230 pornographic videos in his room at the monastery.

*  He's one of those self-flagellating monks.

*  This redefines the term "monkey business."

*  He misunderstood the term, "the right hand of God." 

Friday, March 7, 2008

Death Takes A Holiday - Mayor Gerard Lalanne of Sarpourenx, France, has signed an ordinance forbidding residents from dying. The town cemetery is overcrowded, and a court just ruled against the acquisition of adjoining land to expand it. So Lalanne issued an order that "all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish" and "offenders will be severely punished."

* It'll be a fate worse than death!

* He'll use the electric chair to shock them back to life, then electrocute them.

* That cemetery is so popular, there's a waiting list of people just dying to get in (GROUCHO JOKE!)

* Mayor Lalanne is a cousin of Jack Lalanne, who will also never die.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Having finally ended the writers' strike, Hollywood is bracing for another possible shutdown because on June 30, the Screen Actors' Guild contract expires and all the actors might go on strike. 

*  All the out-of-work actors definitely will.

*  Actors can't go on strike during an election year! Who'll tell us who to vote for?!

*  The strike will be over quickly once the actors learn they have to write their own picket signs.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Their Face Should Be A Dickhead - Simon Cowell says he turned down a $2 million offer to be the face of Viagra, calling it “a f---ing insult,” but he did admit to wearing platform shoes to look taller and using Botox, saying it's something you do once a year and "no more unusual than toothpaste."

* He's an Englishman: he uses both Botox and toothpaste once a year.

* Simon would be the perfect spokesman for botulism toxin.

* The Botox helps him keep a straight face when listening to Paula.

* If Simon Cowell wants to be taller, he should take the Viagra. That'd do it.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

The Circle Of Life - The Yangtse Evening News reports that Wang Weiging of Beicheng, China, was taking a walk by a pond when he saw a seven-year-old boy struggling in the water and pulled him out. When the boy's grandfather arrived, he was stunned to recognize Wang as the man who had pulled his son - the boy's father - out of the same pond 20 years before. He made Wang a silk banner to thank him for saving two generations of his family.

* But he accidentally dropped it in the pond.

* He got so engrossed in making it, he didn't notice his wife choking on a wonton.

* And Wang gave him a gift: a coffee mug that read "World's Worst Babysitter."

Monday, March 3, 2008

Tanks, But No Tanks - Arnold Schwarzenegger has asked an Ohio museum to return the Austrian army tank he loaned to them. He's concerned that they are not performing proper upkeep on the tank. Also, he says he plans to use it to offer tank rides to inner city kids in L.A. as an incentive to stay in school, work hard and avoid drugs.

* And join the Austrian army.

* And if they don't, they'll be crushed by a tank.

* Also, he needs it to commute in California traffic.

Friday, Feb. 29, 2008 (Leap Day!  Take a Flying Leap!)

Strip Poker - William Shane Anderson of Middletown, Delaware, allegedly had the best poker parties in town. Neighbors got suspicious of all the cars lining the streets and called police, who claim that after Anderson lost his job, he turned his "Texas Hold 'Em" night into his career. They say he was running a casino inside his house, complete with high-stakes bets, a credit card machine and liquor service. He and his wife Laurie's parenting is also under investigation because they allegedly did all this when the kids were home. And Laurie, who is a stripper, also dealt cards...topless.

* She gave a whole new meaning to "Texas Hold 'Em."

* You kids remember that the next time you whine that your mom is embarrassing you.

* His poker buddies took up a collection and raised $50,000 to bail her out.

Thursday, Feb, 28, 2008

New Scientist reports that scientists at University of Guanajuato in Mexico and the University of Sussex shot down hopes Earth would survive the Sun expanding into a red giant in a few billion years, saying new calculations show the Earth won't survive the death of the Sun.

*  We barely survived the death of Elvis.

*  So, really, what's the use of even going to work anymore?

*  But good news: the Sun will get by without the Earth just fine.

*  Someone seriously hoped Earth would survive the death of the Sun? Not even Barack Obama has that much hope!

Wednesday, Feb. 27, 2008

A man in Sapporo, Japan, was charged with welfare fraud.  He had collected benefits for years because he claimed to be blind, until he filed a complaint to police that he had been "run over by a red car."

*  Hey, he never claimed to be color blind!

*  Well, it smelled red...

*  Also, he got the license number.

Tuesday, Feb. 26, 2008

Sunday on "Meet The Press," Ralph Nader announced that he'll run for president as a third party candidate again, saying his bid will "shift the power from the few to the many."

* Ironically, the people who plan to vote for him are "the few."

* His campaign slogan will be "Yes, We Can!  But First, We Have to Do an Environmental Impact Study and Fill Out All These OSHA Forms!"

Monday, Feb. 25, 2008

Serving Sara II - British newspapers report that Elizabeth Hurley and her husband, textile millionaire Arun Nayar, were accused by their Indian maid of making her work up to 70 hours a week, seven days a week, for $200, or about $2.33 an hour. UK minimum wage is $10.71. A hearing was reportedly canceled when she agreed to a five-figure settlement.

* One-hundred twenty-three dollars and 17 cents.

*  The pay wasn't much, but it included room and board: she got a room, and if she cleaned too slowly, they'd hit her with a board.

* Couldn't Liz find a male servant who'd go around picking up her dirty underwear for free?

Friday, Feb. 22, 2008

Michael Moore said now that Fidel Castro has retired, he'd like to bring him to the Oscars and let him give an acceptance speech for "Sicko," which Moore said would be a real ratings grabber.

*  For whatever else is on that night.

*  He could explain that Cuban health care is so great, it enables a dead man to accept an Oscar.

*  Hey, nobody tunes in the Oscars just to watch rich communists congratulate themselves for three hours!

* Castro would never be welcome at the Oscars. He's not anti-Bush enough.

***************************************************************

Thursday, Feb. 21, 2008

Wisconsin voters apparently don't care about plagiarism charges.  Barack Obama easily beat Hillary Clinton in the Wisconsin primary, winning or tying in nearly every demographic under 65.

*  Obama declared, "Today I feel...like the luckiest man...on the face of the Earth..."

*  People over 65 voted for Hillary, but only because they thought Obama was Irish.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Heat Is On - In Fontana, California, a man who had just bought $20 worth of tacos was accosted by a thief who demanded, "Give me your tacos!" then punched him in the face and threatened to kill him with a gun before fleeing with the tacos.

* Police believe he's making a run for the border.

* If the taco thief is caught, he could get the gas chamber, which probably wouldn't faze him.

* Wow, since Jenny Craig dumped Kirstie Alley, she's gotten desperate.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

New Zealand's RSPCA released a Christmas CD of an inaudible song that's at such a high frequency, only dogs can hear it. To their surprise, "A Very Silent Night" hit #1 on the charts, and distributors are competing to market it worldwide.

*  That's because it's sung by Bjork.

*  Inaudible songs. That should be a theme week on "American Idol."

*  To dogs, it sounds like the Bee Gees.

Monday, Feb. 18, 2008

The Senate Ethics Committee admonished Sen. Larry Craig, ruling that his conduct in the airport bathroom was improper and reflected poorly on the Senate.

*  They took a narrow stance.

*  But he enjoys being admonished. STRONGLY admonished...

*  When Senators have sex with a stranger in a public toilet, it should be a stranger of the opposite sex, the way God intended!

Friday, Feb. 15, 2008

Police in Central England are searching for a would-be copper cable thief whom they assume must've been badly burned after they found a hacksaw embedded in an 11,000-volt power cable.

*  Maybe that's all that's left.

*  Even if they don't find him, I imagine he's already rehabilitated.

Thursday, Feb. 14, 2008

You Get A Line, And I'll Get A Pole - Polish social anthropologist Michal Garapich of Roehampton University is urging British people to help Polish immigrants blend into UK society by telling more Polish jokes. He said the English like to knock down pomposity, and Poles tend to be touchy and have taboo subjects; so telling jokes about Poles would teach them not to take themselves too seriously and be a test of whether Poles were integrating into British society.

* So, how many Polish jokes would it take?

* They'll know they're integrating into modern society if they get really offended by the joke and sue.

* Jokes like, "How can you spot a Polish anthropologist? He's the one studying ants."

Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2008

And Wonder Bread Will Become Soul Food - A study by the Pew Research Center claims that because of immigration and high immigrant birth rates, white people will be a minority in America by 2050.

* Finally, they'll be able to dance!

* I watched the Grammy Awards; I thought they already were.

* White people had better get to breeding fast! Scarlett Johansson, give me a call!

Tuesday, Feb. 12, 2008

A Whole New Meaning For "Torture Porn" - Over the weekend, Paris Hilton's movie, "The Hottie & The Nottie," got horrendous reviews and very low box office returns. One critic said if you tried to imagine something worse than the worst movie you've ever seen, this would be it. Another even said, "It's a blot on Paris Hilton's dignity." Audiences agreed: the movie pulled a whopping $25,000 US weekend gross, which averages to $225 per theater, or about two moviegoers per showing.

* Both demanded their money back.

* Those moviegoers heard it starred that giant stick insect that tears through Manhattan and thought it was "Cloverfield."

* Someday, it will be the movie that time forgottie.

* A blot on Paris Hilton's dignity? That would have to be a blot tinier than the tiniest blot you've ever seen.

Monday, Feb. 11, 2008

Disney World is planning an "American Idol" attraction that would recreate the TV auditions by allowing park guests to sing in front of other guests.

*  So much for that being the Happiest Place on Earth.

*  Now, people will wait in line for hours to get out.

*  It'll be hosted by Sanjaya. What the heck, he's already working there, on the Jungle Boat ride.

Friday, Feb. 8, 2008

A warehouse full of unsellable New England Patriots shirts and hats emblazoned with "19-0" in honor of their "perfect season" has been donated to a charity that will ship it to poor children in Third World nations.

*  Who would still be too embarrassed to wear it.

*  Those kids made that stuff; why would they want it back?

Thursday, Feb. 7, 2008

Really Drunken Master - Sunday evening in Chappaqua, New York, a woman called police to report a naked man banging on her door. Police arrived to find that the naked man was a martial arts expert. He withstood two taserings and took a cop's baton away from him before three more cops showed up and wrestled him to the ground. A police spokesman said, "I would describe his behavior as bizarre. Was it drugs? Was it mental illness? I don't know."

* Was he a black belt? Hard to say, no belt.

* Another question: When did Bill Clinton learn martial arts?

* They knew he was a martial arts master because they could see his nunchucks.

Wednesday, Feb. 6, 2008

Damn That Hannah Montana! - Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh Medical School studied the 279 top songs of 2005 and found that they were awash in lyrics about drugs, booze and tobacco, and two-thirds put them in positive light by associating them with partying, humor or sex, such as, "Tequila makes her clothes fall off."  They calculate that Americans age 15 to 18 who listen to 2.4 hours of music a day hear 84 references to drugs, booze and tobacco a day, or over 30,000 a year.

* And if they're playing a drinking game while listening, that's 30,000 shots of tequila.

* Worse, the songs only sound good when you're drunk or high.

* Why can't kids listen to wholesome songs, like "Puff the Magic Dragon" and "Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds"?

Tuesday, Feb. 5, 2008

Liverpool, England, has been plagued by high crime and unemployment, but civic leaders hope to boost tourism with the new Beatles-themed Hard Days Night Hotel. There are Beatles photos and art throughout; a "Yellow Submarine" jukebox; Hari's Bar, which has a Maharishi-era theme; a wedding chapel called "The Two of Us;" and two penthouse suites, one named for John and one for Paul, each renting for $1300 a night.

*  If you're on a budget, there's the Pete Best Room for $29.95.

* There's also a "Come Together" honeymoon suite.

* One warning: if anyone comes in through the bathroom window, that's not part of the Beatles theme.

Monday, Feb. 4, 2008

In an Entertainment Weekly poll, Ursula Andress, who emerged from the surf in a white bikini in "Dr. No” was named the Best Bond Girl of All Time, while Denise Richards as Christmas Jones, a nuclear physicist in hot pants in “The World Is Not Enough,” was named the worst. Critics said the filmmakers forget that Bond Girls are supposed to be both sexy and smart.

* But what could be sexier and smarter than a nuclear physicist in hot pants?!

* They forgot to make her wear glasses.

* Ursula Andress only seemed smart because men's IQs dropped 40 points when they looked at her.

* It could've been worse; if they'd made that movie today, they would've cast Jessica Simpson.

Friday, Feb. 1, 2008

I Have A Pain-Head - Oprah Winfrey announced that she has chosen as her next Book Club pick "A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose" by German spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle. He teaches that to be "in the now" is the gateway to transcending the "pain-body" and achieving a heightened sense of aliveness. To help viewers process all this, Oprah and Tolle will team up for a 10-week series of interactive classroom discussions on Oprah.com.

* I think my life's purpose is to avoid things like this.

* This is like signing up for a B.S. college course, then finding out there's a mountain of homework.

* If Oprah fans want to achieve a heightened sense of aliveness, they should see what else be on TV now.

* Just F.Y.I., Tyra Banks' new Book Club pick is "How Not To Look Old."

Thursday, Jan. 31, 2008

Cold Stare - Australia's Mercury newspaper reports that a hotel guest in Tasmania was shocked when someone delivered a foam cooler box to his room, and inside he found a human eyeball. He brought it down to the lobby to complain, and the hotel desk clerk said he put it in the fridge because he "didn't know what else to do with it." It turned out to be a misdelivered transplant organ that was forwarded to a hospital.

* The guest didn't mind the eyeball, but he was really ticked off about the Room Service charge.

* That's what they get for using a service that mostly delivers Chinese food.

* Good thing it wasn't delivered to Russell Crowe. He would've thrown it at the desk clerk.


Wednesday, Jan. 30, 2008

Cheeta, who started in "Tarzan" movies in the 1930s and at 75 is the world's oldest living chimp, has been signed by a publisher to put out his memoirs.  A spokesman said Cheeta is one of the few Golden Age stars who's still alive, "he saw it all," and he is working with a ghostwriter on a "funny, moving and searingly honest" autobiography.

* The title: "Hollywood Is A Zoo."

* Since his co-stars are all dead, he can fling all the feces at them that he wants.

* His ghostwriter will be Dr. Doolittle's parrot.

* It's the typical story: he had to get his big break in Hollywood by swinging with an older man who wore a tiny loincloth.

* Hey, being a hairy, illiterate subhuman never stopped any other Hollywood star from writing his memoirs.