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Comedy Wire  Joke of the Day!

By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth


If you enjoy The Comedy Wire, you'll love Pat & Laura's book, "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers," with over 200 hilarious stories, plus a funny foreword by Gov. Mike Huckabee!  Just $13 (includes S&H!)  Click here now to get your autographed copy!

Also, check out HollywoodHiFi.net, our hilarious site devoted to celebrities who tried to be singers!  You'll find book excerpts, audio clips, video reviews and much, much more! 

And visit Laura's live show site for her parody songs, video clips, and her hilarious blog about age and beauty!


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LAURA AINSWORTH'S DEBUT ALBUM, NOW AVAILABLE AT CDBABY.COM!
Laura Ainsworth's "Keep It To Yourself,"
                now available at CDBaby.com and iTunes.com
Laura Ainsworth's terrific debut CD, "Keep It To Yourself," is racking up multiple-track, CMJ and Media Guide-reported adds in markets from San Francisco to Orlando!  
Spotlight New Artist album on BluesJazzRadio.com and CD of the Week on PRX's nationally-syndicated "Blues & Beyond!"!  TWO WEEKS ON JAZZWEEK'S TOP RADIO AIRPLAY CHART!     


"You can keep all those pop divas.  The only one for me is Laura Ainsworth...Ainsworth has beauty, brains, sophistication and comic timing that make her the total performance package...A wonderful modern interpreter of the Great American Songbook, as well as thoroughly modern styles." -- Eric Harabadian, Jazz Inside magazine


Title track available free to radio stations for promotional play only!  It's a sexy, slinky, insanely catchy slice of A/C-lounge Heaven with a hilarious female revenge fantasy lyric, the perfect topical antidote to the endless parade of cheating men in the news these days, from Tiger to Arnold! 


"That song ('Keep It To Yourself') is hilarious!...Played (it) in connection with a cheating husband story.  Great response from listeners!"  -- Terry Meiners, WHAS, Louisville, "50,000 watts covering Kentucky, Indiana, parts of Ohio, Tennessee and Michigan, too!"


If you are in radio and would like a free promotional MP3 or a full promo CD for airplay, contact Pat Reeder with your call letters and market now!


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FREE MUSIC!  Laura Ainsworth is the featured artist at AllAboutJazz.com.  To read an interview, see photos and to download a free, high quality MP3 of her steamy new version of the Cole Porter classic, "Love For Sale," click on her CD cover at AllAboutJazz.com or go directly to the MP3 download by clicking here!

Laura has also just recorded a sexy new version of the Irving Berlin classic, "You'd Be Surprised," with jazz greats Brian Piper and John Adams.   If you'd like a free MP3, just join her email list or "LIKE" her Facebook Fan page and send her a note requesting it!   


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JOKES OF THE DAY!

Friday, March 30, 2012
And That’s Her Wonderbra! - A young man in South Africa knocked on a homeowner’s door to ask for gardening work. He didn’t get the job, though, because the homeowner recognized all the clothes he was wearing as being recently stolen from his storage room. The job applicant was wearing the homeowner’s shoes, socks, belt and pants and one of his fiancée’s blouses. He told police, “I couldn’t believe the audacity of this guy.”

* Wearing a blouse that low-cut before 6 pm!

* Or the androgyny!

* By “police,” he meant the fashion police.

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Thursday, March 29, 2012
The American Way - In 1938, Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster made the worst deal in history when they sold their creation, Superman, to DC Comics. Superman went on to make billions and inspire every superhero, from Batman to Spider-Man to Aquaman. The canceled check written to the creators was supposed to be thrown away, but a DC staffer saved it in a drawer for 38 years, then passed it down to his heirs. The check is for $412, with a memo noting that $130 of that was to purchase the full rights to Superman. That old canceled check is now up for auction on the Internet, and by the end of the first day, bidding had already reached $20,500, or nearly 50 times what Siegel and Shuster got for Superman.

* They were super-screwed.

* It made them want to leap off a tall building and shoot themselves with a speeding bullet.

* That’s nothing; the guy who invented Aquaman was paid in canned tuna.

* After a heated debate, they decided to sell Superman and keep the rights to their other creation, Mediocre Man.

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Wednesday, March 28, 2012
The Porn Dog - The Texas Rangers plan to prove that everything is bigger in Texas, even ballpark snack food. They’ve created a two-foot-long hot dog, topped with shredded cheese, chili and sautéed onions and served on a bun made of “exotic bread flown in from France.” It will be called the Champion Dog at the Captain Morgan Club, or the Broomstick, which is slugger Nelson Cruz’s nickname, at the regular park concession stands. The two-foot-long hot dog sells for $26, and is meant to feed three or four fans.

* Only if they’re from France, too.

* Only in Texas would this be called a “snack.”

* Four people? Come on! I’ll bet there are women in the stands who could swallow that whole!

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Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Making ‘Em Sweat - Reebok is under fire over an ad campaign for a gym affiliated with Reebok in Germany. It was picked up on social media and went viral. The campaign featured motivational posters that read, “Cheat on your girlfriend, not on your workout.” The website Cheaterville.com, which exposes cheaters online, called it disrespectful to women and threatened a boycott. Reebok responded with an apology and said the posters had been taken down.

* They were replaced with posters that read: “Reebok Sneakers: For guys who sneak around!”

* They also offended men, who knew it’s entirely possible to cheat on both.

* If you cheat on your girlfriend often enough, you could go viral.

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Monday, March 26, 2012
Worst Principal EVER! - High school student Mike Stone of Oakdale, Minnesota, had a dream and used Twitter to make it come true: he sent nearly 600 tweets to various female porn stars, describing himself as “awesome” and asking them to be his date to the senior prom. And two of them accepted. Porn star Megan Piper said she had missed her own prom and thought it was “really cute” and that she could “make his night.” So she tweeted back, “If you can get me there, then yes.” Alas, the dream was not to be. Stone told the principal his plans, and the principal told him he “should get out of that stuff,” informed his parents, and barred the actresses from the prom, saying it would be inconsistent with school district policies.

* Which state that only teachers can be porn stars.

* He says Megan can still make his night, but it won’t involve going to the prom.

* No porn stars are allowed at the prom, only high school girls who are dressed like porn stars.

* Luckily, that wasn’t the first dream he’s had that involved porn stars, and it certainly won’t be the last.

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Friday, March 23, 2012
And That Settles It! - A team of researchers led by urologist Dr. Amichai Kilchevsky of Yale-New Haven Hospital finished the most extensive search ever launched for the G-spot, the bundle of nerves in the front wall of the vagina that allegedly produces mind-blowing orgasms. They studied 60 years of clinical trials, abstracts, case reports and review articles, all of which attempted to confirm the existence of a G-spot using “surveys, pathologic specimens, various imaging modalities, and biochemical markers.” They also interviewed 1800 women, all twins, on the theory that if one claimed to have a G-spot, they should be able to find it on the other one. A majority of the women believed the G-spot exists, but even some who did couldn’t locate it. The researchers’ conclusion: there is no “valid objective data” to indicate that the G-spot really exists.

* In fact, those scientists have never even seen evidence that the female orgasm exists.

* This doesn’t mean much…Most male scientists couldn’t even find the clitoris.

* Why do I get the feeling this was just an elaborate excuse for horny nerds to ask twin sisters about their G-spots?

* Women who believe they have a G-spot even though they can’t find it are known as “cockeyed optimists.”

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Thursday, March 22, 2012
Blooming Idiot - New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg has become infamous for nanny state laws, like banning trans fats or limiting salt in restaurants. But some New Yorkers think this time, he’s gone too far. All government-run homeless shelters have been banned from accepting donated food because it can’t be certified as meeting government nutritional standards. For instance, a local Orthodox temple has donated leftover goodies like kugel to the homeless for 10 years, but now, it’s being rejected because it might be too high in fat, salt or calories. The donors say the “stunning” micromanagement is robbing the homeless of one of their few joys. And the temple’s rabbi says that Jews have eaten this food for generations, and they live long, healthy lives.

* Well, longer than homeless people, anyway. And certainly a lot fuller.

* The good news for the homeless is that the best food in New York is now found in the Dumpsters.

* The homeless want to know if they can at least have the leftover Manischevitz.

* The temple can donate food only if it’s salt, sugar, fat, lactose and gluten-free…And if it is, no wonder it’s left over!

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Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Apply At The Naked News - Veteran TV weatherman Kyle Hunter has filed a sex discrimination lawsuit against CBS, claiming he was twice passed over for jobs because he’s a man and over 40, and CBS only wants to hire sexy young women to give weather reports. Hunter says that despite his 20 years experience as a TV meteorologist, KCBS and KCAL both hired hot, young women with far less experience and qualifications. CBS called the lawsuit frivolous. It’s being handled by feminist attorney Gloria Allred, who called the case “important” and “the first of its kind” because it’s a man claiming age and gender discrimination, not a woman.

* Also because it’s the first attempt to argue that being a TV weather forecaster requires qualifications.

* It’s a case that sounds ridiculous on the face of it, which is hardly a first for Gloria Allred.

* CBS thinks it’s better for a hot woman to illustrate what a warm front is like.

* There are only two qualifications: being able to read and looking good in a bikini, and he and the women each had one of those.

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Tuesday, March 20, 2012 - First Day of Spring!
Good Vibrations - 24-year-old Nat Garvey of Truro, England, claims that she found the perfect job when she answered an online ad for a “laugh” two years ago. She now makes $37,000 (US) a year working out of her home, testing sex toys and naughty outfits for an adult novelty company. She says she’s not a sex addict, that her friends and family know what she does, and she feels she represents all the average British women who have lifted the taboo from sex toys. She says she’s tried out over 1,000 weird and wonderful toys, “plus some pretty bad ones,” and her job is “fun, different and fulfills my needs. I couldn’t ask for more.”

* She certainly has no need for a boyfriend.

* It really keeps her humming.

* Well, maybe insurance that would cover carpel tunnel syndrome.

* She does this job without ever leaving her home…Literally. Like, she NEVER leaves home.

* Apparently, the average British woman has 1,000 sex toys…Not surprising.

* She gets $37,000 a year…plus benefits.

* Rick Santorum would declare her public enemy #1.

* Jealous people tell her to go screw herself, and she says, “Been there, done that.”

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Monday, March 19, 2012
We Lost Our Heads - United Power in Dalama, Sweden, was holding a marketing campaign called “Golden Horse,” so their ad agency got a brilliant idea. They sent local companies wooden horse heads soaked in a fluid that resembled blood, with notes attached reading, “Humble notice – Two weeks left.” The power company was forced to apologize. Their ad agency said it was a “pop cultural mash-up” inspired by the famous horse head scene in “The Godfather,” and they never imagined recipients might see it as threatening.

* They just thought of it a way to make customers an offer they couldn’t refuse.

* It’s a terrible ad campaign, but it would be a great way to negotiate with Iran.

* They can’t understand: it worked great for the power company in Sicily.

* This ad agency seriously puts the “mad” into “Mad Men.”

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Friday, March 16, 2012
Love For Sale - People try all sorts of things to find true love, but Watertown, Massachusetts, florist Dave Greenberg is taking the direct approach. He’ll pay a $1,000 reward to the person who introduces him to his true love. He’s even printed business cards and started a website, MarryDave.com, to spread the word. He says he’s looking for a nice lady over 50 who has chemistry and physical attraction with him and who’d be willing to retire with him to San Diego. He says that whoever introduces her to him will be the guest of honor at the wedding, and he’ll walk down the aisle and give them $1,000.

* He’s already heard from over 500 people…All producers of reality shows.

* And then, his true love will turn to him and say, “Are you crazy, throwing away money like that?!”

* He’s gotten more dirty e-mails from women over 50 than Julio Iglesias.

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Thursday, March 15, 2012
Don’t Horses Still Need Shoes? - German designer and sculptor Iris Schieferstein has created a bizarre new type of shoes out of dead animals. She gets the carcasses from a butcher, strips out the meat and bones, sends them to a tanner to be preserved, and turns them into shoes. She’s made stilettos from snakes, sandals from doves, and high heels from a pair of horses’ hooves. Those she sold to Lady Gaga for nearly $6000. She says creating the shoes is “ugly work,” but "I love horses and I love shoes, so I thought this would be perfect. Horses have a beautiful walk, and I wanted to recreate that with my footwear.”

* Her motto is, “My shoes give you the trots.”

* They sound like the perfect overpriced shoes for Sarah Jessica Parker.

* She gets her shoemaking parts and her shoemaking glue from the same place.

* If you have a lousy sense of direction, she has shoes made from two homing pigeons.

* Who wants dead animals on their feet?! No thanks, I’ll stick with leather shoes!

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Wednesday, March 14, 2012
The Acid Test - Researchers in Norway report that the hallucinogenic drug LSD has a “significant beneficial effect” on alcohol abuse. They analyzed six previous studies done in the 1960s involving over 530 heavy drinkers. It found that a dose of LSD blocked a brain chemical that made them relapse into drinking. Fifty-nine percent of the LSD users were able to resist booze, compared to only 38 percent of those who didn’t take LSD. The effect of the LSD lasted for six months but disappeared after a year.

* If LSD turns you off of booze, then explain every rock star of the 1960s.

* Lindsay Lohan says this never works.

* They don’t need booze because they hallucinate that their spouse is a life-size bottle of Jack Daniel’s.

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Tuesday, March 13, 2012
And Bust Your Butt! - Forbes magazine has named Sara Blakely as the world’s youngest self-made female billionaire. Fifteen years ago, when she was still in her 20s, Blakely had an idea for a type of pantyhose that would smooth out bulges under clothes but leave her legs and feet bare to wear open-toed shoes. She called them Spanx. But she says when she first came up with Spanx, everyone said she was crazy and a patent attorney scoffed, “Am I on ‘Candid Camera?’” Her advice to other young women who want to start a business: “Trust your gut.”

* And then wrap it up and squinch it in!

* And if you have a gut at all, wear Spanx to the interview for the business loan.

* Also, stretch your limits…Be a firm negotiator…And if you have fears, hold them in! *

She may lose all that money: I hear she’s being sued for plagiarism by the inventor of sausage casings.

* When I hear the phrase “Spanx billionaire,” I assume it’s about that Wall Street call girl ring in New York.

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Monday, March 12, 2012
That’s The Idea! - Officials in Cardiff, Wales, are trying a new tactic to keep teenagers from congregating under streetlights and engaging in anti-social behavior. They’re replacing the bulbs with pink-glowing lights used by dermatologists that make acne pimples and blemishes stand out. The idea is that teens will be so embarrassed by their pizza faces that they’ll leave. But critics say it’s pointless because they’ll just go somewhere else.

* Yeah, but I don’t care if they go to their bedrooms and cry.

* They’ll move to Wall Street and start demanding free, government-paid Clearasil.

* Officials believe if you just put the squeeze on them, they’ll go away, but more will pop up to take their place.

* If they cared about people seeing their pizza faces, they wouldn’t be hanging out under street lights at all.

* This may sound far-fetched, but maybe they’ll put on ski masks and hoodies.

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Friday, March 9, 2012
But Not TOO Upset… - A Harvard Medical School study confirmed what men long suspected: women like their man to get upset. Test subjects were asked to summarize a recent incident with their partners that had been upsetting or disappointing. Then, they watched a video of that conversation and rated their positive or negative reactions. They found that women were actually happier when their partners got upset or angry because they interpreted their man’s show of emotion as proof that he was engaged and strongly invested in their relationship. On the other hand, men were not happy when they realized their wives were angry.

* Because to men, “angry” doesn’t mean “invested in the relationship,” it means “no sex.”

* Because whatever they’re angry about, it’s always THEIR HUSBAND’S FAULT!

* The wives get angry when their husbands try to fix the problem instead of getting angry.

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Thursday, March 8, 2012
Then Explain Peter Cottontail! - A survey of nearly 1,000 Australian fifth-graders found that 75 percent thought that cotton products like socks came from animals, while 27 percent believed that yogurt comes from plants. Officials called it a “wake-up call” about the growing gap between rural and urban communities, and said urban kids need to be getting more lessons in where food and fiber actually come from.

* Actually, most of the fibers they wear come from oil refineries.

* Turns out a lot of them just think they’re vegans, because they think a chicken is a vegetable.

* Maybe Australians kids are just dumb as rocks, which they think are made by Mattel.

* Urban kids were also asked where fruits and vegetables come from, and they replied, “What are ‘fruits’ and ‘vegetables?’”

* If they ever want kids to eat yogurt, just let them keep on thinking it comes from a plant.

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Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Behold Our Future! - Here’s why so many people are worried about electronic voting machines. The Washington, DC, school board dared hackers to crack its new online absentee voting system. A University of Michigan professor and two grad students took up the challenge. Within a few hours, they’d found a way to break into the system and change ballots that were already cast to write-in ballots. They elected Bender, the alcoholic robot from “Futurama,” to the DC school board.

* Luckily, an alcoholic robot will do a much better job than any human on the DC school board.

* They knew something was amiss because D.C. voters normally only elect candidates who go on benders.

* Bender can’t be a Washington, DC, city official! He’s too moral!

* Are they sure that was hackers? Because Bender was leading in the Rasmussen poll anyway.

* Moral: electronic voting, bad…Mail-in paper ballots: good!

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Tuesday, March 6, 2012
How Does Your Garden Grow? - A lot of people don’t like Google exposing their privacy, but an unnamed Frenchman is suing for a unique reason. The Google Street View cameras that show photos of every home on every street caught him urinating in his garden. He claims he was on private property with his gate closed when the unauthorized photo was taken. His attorney said his client lives in a tiny, unnamed town where everyone recognized him, and he’s now become an object of international ridicule as the “peeing Frenchman.” Google’s attorney called his lawsuit claims “implausible.”

* Implausible and incontinent.

* What’s implausible is that he actually has green grass.

* He added, “Private property? What’s that?!”

* They didn’t reveal his identity, even though in his home town, “The Peeing Frenchmen” has been his nickname for years.

* He’s not to be confused with the thousands of peeing Frenchmen who were photographed when Street View covered Paris.

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Monday, March 5, 2012
That’s Not Blood, It’s Taco Sauce - Bruce Richard Hood of Whitfield Estates, Florida, is facing charges of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon in a strange case involving harmonicas and tacos. Police say Hood gave another man a ride home from a bar Saturday night, and they stopped at Taco Bell along the way. When the man got out, accidentally grabbed a bag containing Hood’s harmonicas. Thinking he was stealing the harmonicas, Wood demanded them back, then allegedly stabbed the man in the wrist and chest. Hoof is being held on $25,000 bond. Police found the bag of tacos, still in the car.

* So now, he’ll have to be released, due to the evidence disappearing.

* He can’t raise bail because they’re afraid he’ll make a run for the border.

* The good news is that while he’s in jail, he’ll have plenty of harmonicas to play.

* He thought that was acceptable behavior because every time he picks up his harmonicas, somebody stabs him.

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Friday, March 2, 2012
Stop My Male - Canada’s Foreign Affairs Department put out a safety guide for women traveling abroad alone. Without naming any countries, they claim that some men are very aggressive. They suggest that women wear a real or fake wedding ring and carry a photo of their husbands, or their imaginary husbands. Also, wear dark glasses in public to avoid eye contact, which some men take to suggest “you want his company.” They even suggest wearing a headscarf or hat if you’re a blonde woman in a country of mostly dark-haired women. The guide said these tips can help stave off unwanted male attention.

* For all the women who only go on vacation abroad to attract male attention, do the opposite of everything in this book.

* If you’re vacationing in Saudi Arabia, wear a headscarf or you’ll get some really unwanted male attention.

* The guide was written by experts in the art of preventing sex: British women.


* They should rename this the Department of Preventing Foreign Affairs.

* If you already refer to the photo that came in your wallet as your “pretend husband,” it means you need some male attention.

* And of course, the most important rule of all: Do NOT wear Angelina Jolie’s Oscar dress!

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Thursday, March 1, 2012
Meso Depressed! - The 3D rerelease of “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace” is about to open in Sweden, and fans are protesting that the original voices have been dubbed over by Swedish actors. A newspaper poll found that 80 percent of readers say they’re “disgusted” by it. They think that reading subtitles is just the price you pay to preserve the original experience. One prominent movie critic blasted George Lucas for the dubbing, saying he didn’t want the “Star Wars” of his youth to be humiliated and abused by stilted illiterates.

* I think that already happened the first time Lucas released “The Phantom Menace.”

* Dubbing Jar Jar Binks into Swedish could only be an improvement.

* Somehow, it’s just not as exciting when the voice of C3PO is the same guy who played Death in Ingmar Bergman movies.

* Just having a movie critic blast George Lucas sort of preserves the original experience of “The Phantom Menace.”

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Wednesday, February 29, 2012 - Happy Leap Day!
Florida’s Gun Buy-Back Program - Police in Bradenton, Florida, arrested Cedrick Mitchell for armed home invasion, but you can’t say he’s not persistent. He’s accused of bursting into a motel room with a pistol and demanding pills from two men inside. When they said they had no pills, he demanded “everything you got.” Well, they had pepper spray, so they shot him in the face with that and fought back. He dropped his gun and fled. A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door. It was Mitchell, back again and offering his would-be victims $40 to buy his gun back. They shot him in the face with pepper spray again. Police caught him as he was running away.

* And pepper sprayed him again.

* This probably isn’t his first offense…It sounds like he already got quite a few pills somewhere.

* The two men might’ve accepted his offer, but they didn’t believe he was a competent enough thief to actually have 40 dollars.

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Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Emphasis On “Dog” - Sinead O’Connor, who is now 45, says that posing for Playboy is on her “bucket list.” She said when she was younger, she was “too miserable and Irish,” but now, she likes the idea of posing nude, and also doing an interview about a serious topic like the economy in “weird sex gear.” She said, “You can talk about serious issues while you’re…naked, on all fours, in your dog collar!”

* Jenny McCarthy does it.

* That’s how Bill Clinton conducted all his Cabinet meetings.

* On my bucket list: Never seeing Sinead O’Connor’s naked bucket.

* She wants to do that before she dies…I want to die before she does that.

* I think we’ve finally found the pictorial that could turn Hugh Hefner gay.

* She’s willing to get a Brazilian wax, but only on her head.

* To be fair, she’d be just about as good at posing nude as she would be at discussing the economy.

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Monday, February 27, 2012
Charlie Sheen-Approved! - The makers of Wodka vodka are under fire from community leaders in the Bronx, New York, over a billboard they erected in the Hunts Point neighborhood. The message is that Wodka vodka is both top quality and cheap. The billboard reads, “Escort Quality, Hooker Pricing.” Local leaders say it’s offensive and hurtful because they’ve been trying for a decade to revamp Hunts Point and overcome its reputation as a place to pick up hookers.

* Obviously, they’ve been unsuccessful.

* They finally got the hookers to start calling themselves “escorts,” and now this happens!

* The billboard is also insulting to local hookers, who charge enough to buy two bottles of cheap vodka.

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Friday, February 24, 2012
That’s The Nicest Thing Anyone’s Ever Said - Federal Judge Harold Baer of New York threw out attorney Matthew Couloute’s lawsuits against two former lovers whom he claimed defamed him on the Internet. The women allegedly left posts on LiarsCheatersRUs.com, calling Couloute “scum” who had “lied and cheated his entire way through his 40 years of life. He claimed it was a malicious attempt to destroy his career. The judge disagreed, ruling that it was “clearly hyperbolic,” and Couloute failed to demonstrate that calling him lying, cheating scum caused any harm to his career as a lawyer.

* One could argue that it enhances his resume.

* Especially since that’s what it says on his business card.

* He’s lied and cheated through only 40 years of life? He must’ve lied about his age, too!

* He should make this a class action suit because everyone mentioned on LiarsCheatersRUs.com is a lawyer.

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Thursday, February 23, 2012
Second Biggest: My Corduroy Pants - Texas Hearing and Service Dogs of Austin is attempting to build the world’s largest ball of dog fur. The “Fur-O-Sphere” is a 5-foot-wide clear ball, and donors are being asked to deposit their dogs’ hair clippings in it. It will be presented to the public at the 14th annual Mighty Texas Dog Walk on April 7th. A spokeswoman for the service dog group said, “It’s a fun concept because it’s simple and visual and disgusting, and people like that.” Another said, “I’m very proud of this ball. It’s clear plastic so you can see the hair. It’s very special. We’re very excited to have it come.”

* They must be like Chihuahuas: very easily excitable.

* It looks like something you’d pull out of Robin Williams’ shower drain.

* It’s clear plastic, so you can even see the fleas.

* At least, it’s more attractive than the world’s biggest cat hairball.

* Of course, the world’s most beautiful ball of dog fur is that Pekingese who won the dog show last week.

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Wednesday, February 22, 2012
No, It’s Beer First, THEN Show Your Boobs - Police in St. James City, Florida, arrested two women in their 20s who allegedly consumed “excessive quantities” of beer at The Waterfront restaurant, and tried to raise money for more by offering to show their breasts to male patrons for more beer money. One of them attacked a female restaurant staffer as they were being escorted out. A waiter said the two women were going around to tables of men, including men who had their wives with them, and offering to show their boobs for drinks, and the guys “were like, ‘Please, leave us alone.’”

* If they’d wanted to stare at boobs while dining with their wives, they would’ve taken the family to Hooters.

* That’s because the last time they won free beer money, it was in a Rosie O’Donnell lookalike contest.

* If they had boobs men wanted to see, men would’ve already bought them plenty of free drinks.

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Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Hit Or Myth - The high youth unemployment gave a Pelham Manor, New York, woman an idea for a new business that’s booming. Lambent Services matches employers up with personal assistants who have top Ivy League degrees and can’t find better jobs. They charge $35 to $55 an hour. But you can have a California College of the Arts grad rearrange your furniture, a Tufts Drama or English major do your home maintenance, an NYU Political Science grad plan your parties, or a Harvard cum laude graduate in Folklore and Mythology manage your calendar and plan your travel.

* So if you ever wanted to vacation at Hogwarts or Middle Earth, you’re in luck.

* I already have a bunch of those making my coffee at Starbucks.

* The drama major will just pretend to do your home maintenance.

* Warning: you do NOT want an English major doing your home maintenance…Or anything else involving tools.

* If you let a political science major plan your parties, the guests will all be lobbyists who’ll pay you $10,000 for a cup of coffee.

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Monday, February 20, 2012 - Happy Presidents' Day!
She Just Needs One Woman On The Jury - 22-year-old Kierra Reed of Cincinnati was so infuriated that her boyfriend didn’t buy her a Valentine’s Day gift, she allegedly argued with him, pushed and scratched him, and when he sought escape by locking himself in the bedroom, he says she threatened “to kill and cut him,” then got a kitchen knife and began cutting the bedroom door in an attempt to get at him. She was charged with misdemeanor aggravated menacing.

* He didn’t buy her a gift because the last gift he gave her was a kitchen knife set for Christmas.

* She’s hard to buy a gift for, but now he knows what to get her: a case of Midol.

* That was a terrible thing to do…She should buy him a nice gift.

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Friday, February 17, 2012
China Has Less Paperwork And More Soy Sauce - A mom in Raeford, North Carolina, says her four-year-old daughter’s homemade sack lunch was targeted by the school nutrition police. It was a turkey and cheese sandwich, banana, apple juice and potato chips. A state inspector said she also needed a vegetable. She was allowed to eat the home lunch, but also given a full school lunch that included a vegetable. Ironically, she was so scared by all the pressure, the only thing she ate was the chicken nuggets. Also, being four, she hates vegetables and still didn’t eat them. Now, despite the mother telling them to stop, the school keeps giving the girl vegetables she throws away. They say that’s based on federal guidelines. The mom is afraid she’ll start being charged for food the girl won’t eat and there’ll be a legal battle. The girl’s grandmother asked, “This isn’t China, is it?”

* Of course not! They clean their plates there because kids are starving in China!

* No, it’s like the E.U., only with much worse food.

* The school vegetable she refused to eat: ketchup.

* The school did win one nutritional victory: Now, the only thing the kid will eat is fried chicken nuggets.

* Under federal guidelines, they have to insure that taxpayer money ends up in the garbage every day.

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Thursday, February 16, 2012
Grimm Is Right - A survey of 2,000 US adults by the producers of the TV show “Grimm” found that one in five parents won’t read traditional fairy tales to their children because they’re too scary for today’s kids. One-third said their kids were left in tears after hearing the gruesome details of “Little Red Riding Hood.” Nearly half refuse to read “Rumplestiltskin” to their kids because the themes are kidnapping and execution. They also reject “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” because they feel it condones stealing, and 52 percent think “Cinderella” is bad for children because it portrays a young woman doing housework all day.

* Trust me, none of these kids will ever grow up to do two minutes of that.

* Today’s kids prefer stories about sweet, loving characters, like werewolves and vampires.

* “Goldilocks” condones stealing from bears, which will eat you.

* Rumplestiltskin isn’t about kidnapping and execution! It’s about ostracizing people with funny names!

* Personally, I find Barney the Dinosaur to be creepier than the whole lot of them.

* These stories were designed to prepare kids for dealing with reality, which must be prevented at all costs.

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Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Go To My Room, Young Man! - A 69-year-old Palm Coast, Florida, man called police to report that the escort he hired from Craigslist cheated him in two ways. The man said that once a year, he goes on a drinking binge and turns to Craigslist for female companionship. This time, the woman he hired turned out to be a transvestite. He said he let the young man stay at his house because he felt sorry for him. Also, they were having sex. But then, the escort claimed he was only 16 and would have his host charged with rape if he didn’t get a car. The man bought him a car, and he left. The victim finally went to the police after deciding that the escort was probably older than he claimed.

* Because he really knew what he was doing in the bedroom.

* Why would a 16-year-old be wearing age-defying makeup?

* He suspected that because he showed up dressed as Carol Channing.

* If he didn’t notice the woman he was having sex with was really male, then there’s a good chance he might’ve also overlooked his crow’s feet.

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Tuesday, February 14, 2012 (Happy Valentine's Day!)
Or “Not Since 1979” - Lee Redmond of Salt Lake City is expected to recover fully after surviving a bad car crash last week. Friends say she’s lucky to be alive, but she’s devastated because she broke off all her fingernails in the crash, which cost her her claim to fame. She hadn’t cut them since 1979, and each nail was nearly three feet long. It got her into the Guinness Book of World Records and made her a minor celebrity. She once turned down $90,000 to clip them on live TV. She said they didn’t interfere with her daily life, although when asked how she used the bathroom, she replied, “Very carefully.”

* Also, washing her hands afterward took three hours.

* She would like to know if that $90,000 offer to trim them still holds.

* It was hard to step on the brakes with her freakishly long toenails.

* Police don’t know what caused the crash, but I’m assuming it was texting while driving.
 
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Monday, February 13, 2012
Goin’ Courtin’ - In Plantation, Florida, Judge John “Jay” Hurley did what many wives dream of. Joseph Bray was charged with domestic violence after he failed to wish his wife a happy birthday, they got into an argument, and he pushed her onto the couch and made threatening gestures at her. Judge Hurley said it was a minor incident, and there was no actual violence, so he sentenced Bray to marriage counseling. He also quizzed Bray’s wife about her favorite activities and restaurants. Then he ordered Bray to take her out on a date. Specifically, he is under court order to come home with flowers in hand, get dressed, take her to Red Lobster, and then out bowling.

* But if he tries to claim this covers him for Valentine’s Day, too, she'll commit domestic violence.

* Judge Judy would’ve sentenced him to buy her jewelry, too.

* Her ideal birthday date is Red Lobster and bowling, and he refused? How cheap is this guy?!

* He was warned that if there’s a second offense, he’ll be sentenced to perform foreplay.

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Friday, February 10, 2012
“Dog House” - The Super Bowl wasn’t the only ratings winner on Sunday. Animal Planet’s 8th annual “Puppy Bowl” -- featuring puppies romping around a 12-foot stadium, a kitten halftime show, and a cockatiel named Meep “tweeting” game bulletins – drew 500,000 web visits and over 8.7 million TV viewers. That’s as many as last week’s episode of “House,” and half a million more than “Criminal Minds” or “The Bachelor.” But it’s not as simple to create as it looks. They called it a “behemoth editing job” that was cut down from 70 hours of footage shot in the fall. It required 100 staffers, 58 dogs rotating in and out as they got tired, and frequent cleaning breaks when they pooped and peed on the field.

* It’s a lot like being the maintenance team for the Oakland Raiders.

* Fortunately, the crew was used to that; they’ve worked on “Jersey Shore.”

* They can’t show disgusting bodily functions…Only “House” can do that.

* There were 58 puppies, each of whom had a higher IQ than anyone on “The Bachelor.”

* Chrysler wanted to sponsor it, but Clint Eastwood scared the puppies.

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Thursday, February 9, 2012
“And No Spider-Pig!” - Iran’s Institute for the Intellectual Development of Children and Young Adults has banned Simpsons toys from Iran. Bart and Homer dolls are blacklisted, along with Barbie, any dolls of adults or any doll with distinguishable adult genitals, “because these dolls are promoters of Western culture.” But they okayed Spiderman and Superman dolls because even though they’re American, “they help oppressed people.”

* Unlike real Americans.

* They also banned Krusty the Clown because he’s Jewish, and Lisa Simpson because she’d refuse to wear a burka.

* And they banned Miss Piggy dolls, because she’s unclean.

* No dolls with distinguishable genitals? So Ken is okay, then?

* Obviously, having adult genitals is something frowned upon by the guys who run Iran.

* Iran’s Institute for Intellectual Development is associated with Syria’s Institute for Non-Violence and Afghanistan’s Institute for Religious Freedom.

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Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Hot Ass - Police in Cheshire, England, released video footage of a bumbling arsonist Michael Morgan, who was seen bicycling to the door of a pub and pouring gasoline through the mail slot on the door. He then tossed in a match and turned to run. But the doorway exploded, shooting flames through the slot and igniting Morgan’s butt as he tried to flee. The pub suffered minimal damage. Morgan got 2-1/2 years in jail. The pub owner said he was glad police released the footage, because now Morgan would always be remembered as “the clown on the bike who set himself on fire.”

* He will forever be the butt of jokes.

* He would be known in jail as the new guy with the sore butt, but there are already too many guys with that nickname.

* He’d be known as a moron just because he tried to burn down a pub!

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Tuesday, February 7, 2012
It’s Her “F--- You” Money - The women of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch legal brothel in Carson City, Nevada, not only endorsed Ron Paul, they put their money where their mouths are. Saturday, they caucused for Paul in the brothel’s parlor, where they set up a Paul donation box. One working girl said she is “pimpin’ for Paul” because of his positions on individual liberties and states’ rights. She’s even donating 10 percent of her weekly earnings to his campaign.

* Whenever she assumes a backward position, she gives that money to Ron Paul.

* Giving 10 percent of your hooker proceeds to a politician is the brothel version of tithing.

* It’s only fair, since she makes about 90 percent of her money off of politicians.

* Usually, these women put their mouths wherever the money is.

* In a related story, Donald Trump just changed his endorsement.

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Monday, February 6, 2012
Little Debbie Is Joe Camel In A Dress! - Two doctors used the journal Nature to argue that the government should step in and regulate sugar the way it regulates tobacco and alcohol. They say 35 million people a year die from chronic diseases caused by tobacco, alcohol and obesity; and like the other two, sugar is toxic and addictive, it negatively impacts society, there's potential for abuse, and it's unavoidable because it's everywhere. So to save lives and health care costs, the government should regulate sugar in ways similar to tobacco and alcohol, including taxes, age restrictions and other policies. The Sugar Association disputed their science and said they're confident Americans are perfectly capable of choosing the right foods without having unreasonable bans and regulations imposed on them.

* Really? What evidence do they have of that?

* That's ridiculous! We need unreasonable bans and regulations on everything!

* Also, government bans and regulations are toxic and addictive, they negatively impact society, there's potential for abuse and they're unavoidable because they're everywhere.

* All I can say is that if they take away my snack cakes, I'm really gonna need a cigarette.

* If you thought the Prohibition of alcohol didn't work, wait until they try to keep Americans from eating sugar!

* I just hope that someday, science discovers that telling other people what they can eat, drink and smoke causes cancer.

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Friday, February 3, 2012
Marry A Ship; Those Are Always A She - Occupy Seattle protester Babylonia Aivaz wanted to protest the gentrification of her neighborhood. So she put on a puffy dress and held a ceremony to marry a 107-year-old abandoned building that was slated for demolition. She likened her human-building union to "gay marriage," which didn't go over well with the gay magazine, Instinct. The editors wrote, "Why is this like 'gay marriage'...? Because, we'll marry horses and dogs and oxen next? Why didn't she take her loony idea about marrying a building and just call it 'marriage'?"

* She figured it was a gay building because you entered through the rear.

* So you're telling me there are NO gay architects who'd marry the Chrysler Building if they could?

* She married a crumbling, 107-year-old relic that was ready to collapse...That's not like gay marriage, it's like Anna Nicole Smith's marriage.

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Thursday, February 2, 2012
Kidney Stones - Women's rights activists in Luchow, Germany, are demanding that the urinals be removed from the men's room at a local Rolling Stones museum. The urinals are shaped like the Stones' famous red lips logo, only without the tongue. A spokeswoman said that without the tongue, the lips look more feminine, and "that's discrimination against women." Ironically, that urinal was designed by a female Dutch artist. The owner, a local banker and Stones memorabilia collector, replied, "That's not a man's mouth or a woman's mouth, that's art. They were damned expensive, and they're staying where they are, and that's final."

* In other words, the women's rights activists can't get no satisfaction.

* Thinking of it as a piece of modern art makes it much more acceptable to piss on it.

* Think of it as a tribute to all the brave women who've ever appeared on "Fear Factor."

* My question: How do these women 
know what the urinals are like in the men's room?

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Wednesday, February 1, 2012
I Thought Babies Weighed A Lot More These Days - Jesters Diner in Norfolk, England, is offering a dish called the Kidz Breakfast. It includes 12 strips of bacon; 12 sausages; six fried eggs plus an eight-egg cheese and potato omelette; four slices each of toast, fried bread, buttered bread and British black pudding; two servings of hash browns; plus mushrooms, tomatoes and beans. It has 6,000 calories and is about three days' food for the average person. It's served on a 2-1/2-square-foot plate, and weighs 9 lbs, over a pound more than the average newborn baby. The diner owners say it's just a "bit of fun," and an attempt to break the record for largest restaurant breakfast. It costs $22 (US), but it's free if you can finish it alone in under an hour. Health advocates say there's a slight chance that could actually kill someone and are demanding it be withdrawn. But so far, nobody's come near finishing it.

* Wussies! I ate that at IHOP last week, where it comes with a side order of pancakes.

* There's a slight chance that you might die just trying to lift it.

*  If you think the Kidz Breakfast is big, you should see the adult breakfast.

 * My problem with it is that it would be really hard to eat while driving to work.

* They're right, it's too much food. I'd have them hold the tomatoes.

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Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Assistant Crack Whore - A 25-year-old woman in Shelby, North Carolina, was charged with misdemeanor prostitution after she allegedly performed a sex act on a man for money outside his car on a city street. The man admitted he had paid her $6. That was a $2 bill, three ones and an assortment of change. He was not arrested. Police didn't say what the $6 sex act was.

* I'm guessing she just told him to go screw himself.

* If she can only get $6, I'm betting it's something she can do with a bag over her head.

* Actually, she only charges $5...He thought the $2 bill was a one.

* She redefines the term "cheap date."

* She's the only hooker on Earth who has a January clearance sale.

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Monday, January 30, 2012
Smell The Bacon - A new medical study by Detroit Medical Center recommends treating nosebleeds with pork tampons. Researchers say there was a long tradition of using cured pork to stop bleeding, but it fell into disuse because of fears of bacteria and parasites. But they say it should be better known because they treated a girl with a rare disorder that causes prolonged, life-threatening bleeding, and they say that "cured salted pork crafted as a nasal tampon and packed within the nasal vaults successfully stopped nasal hemorrhage promptly, effectively," and without recurrence.

* Plus she smelled like bacon for a week after, and men couldn't resist her.

* If stuffing your face with pork prevents nosebleeds, then I'll never have one again.

* Who discovered this, Homer Simpson?

* One caveat: do not use strips of bacon as an actual tampon.

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Friday, January 27, 2012
I'd Rather Have The Cognac - The Vancouver company dougieDog Hot Dogs is shooting for Guinness Book of Records by offering the world's most expensive hot dog. It's made with shredded lobster and Japanese Kobe beef from hand-massaged cows, seared in olive and truffle oils, and infused with 100-year-old Louis the 13th cognac that costs over $2,000 a bottle. The foot-long "Dragon Dog" is named after the Chinese New Year and costs $100.

* But an hour later, you're hungry again.

* It's not bad with enough ketchup.

* That's actually a bargain; it costs more than that to buy the cows a massage.

* The rodent droppings and insect parts are flown in fresh from Paris.

* I thought the wiener that cost the most money was Tiger Woods'.

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Thursday, January 26, 2012
The Big Bang Theory - Last Thursday around 4 a.m. in Panama City, Florida, a 15-year-old girl called 911 to complain to police because she heard her mother having sex. The mother said she and her boyfriend didn't intend to wake her daughter up, but their bedrooms are right next to each other. The daughter admitted she had suffered no abuse or neglect, but claimed she "felt disrespected" by having to hear her mother having sex. She requested to be placed in a shelter. But after talking to a representative from the shelter, she decided that since it "was almost time for school," she'd just stay where she was.

* She discovered that in the shelter, everybody was having sex at 4 a.m.

* If she missed school, she'd miss study hall, and that's when she has sex with her boyfriend.

* On the bright side, they just got offered their own MTV reality show.

* I can't believe it's not considered abuse to make a teenager think about her mom having sex.

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Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Honey, I've Found Our Vacation Spot! - The Huffington Post reports that the owners of the Mustang Ranch Resort near Reno, Nevada, are building what they call "the Ritz-Carlton of brothels," the "classiest brothel in the world." Co-owner Lance Gilman says, "We're selling luxury and fantasy, not just sex." It will feature a cabaret with live entertainment, a full spa and 10 deluxe suites, and the owners expect to earn 40 percent of their revenue from goods and services unrelated to prostitution. Also unusual, staying there is free, but guests have to pay one of the women to accompany them at all times, even if they bring a significant other with them. Gilman says most brothels are just trailer parks where there's nothing to do but have sex. But he says the Mustang Ranch Resort was inspired by Walt Disney, who took his kids to a shabby carnival and was inspired to create Disneyland.

* If he'd ever visited a trailer park brothel, imagine what Fantasyland would be like!

* It's like a Disney resort, only none of the girls there is Snow White.

* They call it "the Ritz-Carlton of brothels" because there's already a whore Hilton.

* The room is free, but condoms cost $500 each.

* You come for the fancy amenities, but you end up getting screwed...How is that different from any other casino hotel in Reno?

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Tuesday, January 24, 2012
That's How All Men Pack - Authorities at the Los Angeles Airport stopped a 40-year-old Korean man and searched his two carry-on bags. They contained one pair of socks, some underwear, and several sealed pouches containing a white, powdery substance. He claimed it was an Asian herb, but it was actually a drug used to treat erectile dysfunction. He was carrying 63 pounds worth, valued at $179,000. A Customs spokesman said he could face imprisonment and a stiff fine.

* And then, he giggled uncontrollably.

* He'll face a stiff fine unless he gets a soft judge.

* He's seen a lot of American movies, so he assumed the women in L.A were really easy.

* He was going to be in L.A. for a week, so he just packed the essentials.

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Monday, January 23, 2012
Those Are Large Figures, But Probably Padded - Sweden's Commercial Employees' Union has filed a discrimination lawsuit against the Change lingerie store in Gothenburg for allegedly making a female clerk wear a name that listed her bra size. They're seeking $43,410 for the clerk and $14,443 to the union. The store claims the bra size nametag policy is strictly voluntary. But the woman claims she was forced to comply and that it was offensive and discomforting because "for her, bust size is deeply personal."

* It weighs on her heavily.

* Which is why she works in a lingerie store, asking every customer her bust size.

* They could at least let her wear a blouse.

* Would she prefer that we just stare and try to guess? Because I'm cool with that.

* It's bad enough that her name is Chesty McBooberson.

* At least at Lane Bryant, they don't make you put your weight on your nametag.

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Friday, January 20, 2012
Occupy The Acropolis - The credit rating agency Fitch said Tuesday that despite all the efforts to bail it out, Greece is insolvent, and they expect it to default on its debt soon. But they said they expect the default to be an "orderly" process. Meanwhile, to the horror of preservationists, Greece's culture ministry said that for the first time, they'll try to raise cash by offering Greece's ancient ruins for rent. They've always rejected most requests from filmmakers and advertisers, but now, demonstrators or fashion photographers could rent the Acropolis for as little as $2,046 a day.

* $2,046 a day for an old, crumbling ruin? It's like renting a New York apartment!

* China told them, "Hold on! We own that!"

* Luckily, Greeks are famous for taking bad financial news in an orderly fashion.

* Italy needs money, too, so the NFL offered to rent the Coliseum and let Tim Tebow face the Lions there.

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Thursday, January 19, 2012
Current Resale Value: Zero - South Korean customs officials say they've arrested eight men in a scheme to smuggle $260,000 in gold bars out of the country by hiding it in their rectums. The men were allegedly trying to avoid import taxes, so they transformed the gold bars into small gold beads and hid them up their rear ends. But Japanese customs officials caught them, fined them and sent them home.

* "The end."

* They tried to claim that they just naturally crap gold, but Oprah is the only person who can do that.

* Ironically, they were trying to avoid getting an anal exam from the tax agents.

* They could've swallowed the gold, but they just really liked having gold beads up their rectums.

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Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Underground Economy - Police in Manchester, England, discovered that a band of thieves had spent up to six months digging a tunnel to steal an ATM. They had tunneled for over 100 feet underneath a parking lot and into a Blockbuster video store, building a tunnel outfitted with lighting and roof supports, then had to cut through more than 15 inches of concrete to get to the ATM. But they should've put a little thought into the timing: they stole the ATM overnight on a Monday, after people had been withdrawing money from it all weekend. It would normally hold up to $30,000, but there was only about $9,000 in it, so for all those months of tunneling, they probably made far less than minimum wage.

* On the bright side, they created more shovel-ready jobs than Obama.

* Still, it kept them off the streets for months.

* You could tell they were stupid because they actually thought there'd be money in Blockbuster Video.

* At least if they end up in a jail cell, it will seem pretty roomy to them.

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Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Coming To Target: Cubic Zirconia Business Cards! - Black Astrum, a company that specializes in diamond-based design, is offering the ultimate status symbol: a $1500 business card. Each card is fabricated in Switzerland from a precision cast acrylic, encrusted with a full carat's worth of diamonds, and coated to be scratch- and chemical-resistant and maintain its shine. But if you want to impress people with your $1500 business card, be warned: the company deals only with "ultra-high net worth individuals across Europe, the Middle East and Asia," and accepts customers by invitation only. Also, you have to buy the cards in boxes of 30.

* If I could afford that, why would I even need to do business with anyone else?

* They're very popular with plumbers.

* What better way to tell potential investors, "I enjoy throwing away money!"

* Newt Gingrich claims that Mitt Romney uses these.

* That would be kind of depressing, to have a business card on my refrigerator that's worth more than my refrigerator.

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Monday, January 16, 2012
They'll Have To Eat That Debt - Hostess has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy reorganization, citing debts of over $860 million. Part of their problem is that most of their competitors such are non-union, while 80 percent of Hostess workers belong to one of two different unions. They not only have to pay for benefits, but conflicting union rules have made their business practices confusing and inefficient. For instance, separate workers have to load the trucks and unload them at stores, and they have to use separate trucks to deliver either bread or cake products. Despite the bankruptcy, they promised that America's Twinkie supply will not be interrupted.

* President Obama will make sure of that, after Oprah ordered him to.

* They'll keep the Twinkies coming even if they have to take drastic action, like shipping them on a bread truck.

* Their labor contracts were actually written by Ding-Dongs.

* Actually, the people who make the Twinkie filling belong to the Chemists' Union.

* That's why Keebler hires elves: they're so tiny, their unions are easy to bust.

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Friday, January 13, 2012
"Good Luck With Your Penis" - The Journal of Sexual Medicine reports on a little-known drawback to penis tattoos. A 21-year-old man in Kermanshah, Iran, got the phrase "borow be salaamat" ("good luck with your journeys") and his girlfriend's initial M tattooed on his penis. He was in pain for eight days, and when that went away, he got an erection that wouldn't go down. Apparently, the tattoo needle had gone too deep and created a connection between a vein and an artery. A shunt to drain excess blood didn't help. The patient declined further surgery and said he'll live with the condition. The report says that despite his permanent erection, the man has no regrets about getting his penis tattoo.

* "Despite," or "because of"?

* In fact, now he's got room to fill out his girlfriend's entire name!

* Well, one regret: if he'd known this was going to happen, he would've gone with the barber pole design.

* He'll have no regrets, as long as he's always dating a woman whose name starts with M or W.

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Thursday, January 12, 2012
Fox News East - The famously reliable North Korean state media are working overtime to provide accurate coverage of the transfer of power to Kim Jong-Un. So far, they've informed the people that Kim could drive at age 3 and drive rally-style with laser-like precision at 85 mph by age 8; that he was so engrossed in studying military strategy at 16 that he slept only three hours a night and skipped meals; and that he is a "genius of geniuses" in military affairs, even though he has no military experience. Meanwhile, the loss of his dictator father, Kim Jong-Il - who shot 11 holes-in-one in his first golf game and never had to defecate in his whole life - has caused so much grief that a family of bears that would normally be hibernating now were spotted along a roadside, "crying woefully."

* Actually, they were crying because even if you live in a cave, you can't escape the state-run media.

* Kim Jong-Il didn't have to defecate because his state run media dispensed crap for him.

* I'm assuming from looking at Kim Jong-Un that he hasn't had to skip any meals lately.

* Actually, it turns out that Kim Jong-Il died from chronic constipation.

* These are the same stories MSNBC told about Obama in 2008.

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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Devil Made Them Do It - "The Devil Inside," the ultra-low budget mock documentary about exorcism, was expected to gross $15 million over the weekend. Instead, it topped the box office with a staggering $34.5 million, despite reviews complaining that it was boring, pointless, badly shot on shaky, handheld video cameras, and it didn't even have an ending.

* Well, now they can afford to shoot one.

* It had a happy ending for producers, who can now afford to buy many happy endings.

* The movie producers must've made a deal with the devil. But then, don’t they all?

* Usually, a movie that bad doesn't make that kind of money unless it has sparkly vampires.

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Tuesday, January 10, 2012
My Attorney, Mr. Katz... - A New York federal judge ruled that Clorox Pet Products made advertising claims that were "literally false" in a commercial for Fresh Step cat litter. The ad tried to prove Fresh Step's superiority to a competitor by showing a smell test involving samples of used kitty litter sealed in jars. The judge ordered them to stop airing the ad, saying he found it "highly implausible" that 11 panelists would "stick their noses in jars of (cat) excrement and report 44 independent times that they smelled nothing unpleasant." Clorox said they're disappointed in the ruling and still defend the ad's truthfulness.

* They claim it was no more dishonest than most political ads, and didn't stink nearly as much.

* The panelists smelled nothing unpleasant...Then again, they all have at least 20 cats at home.

* I find it highly implausible that they could even find 11 panelists who'd be willing to stick their noses into a jar of cat excrement.

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Monday, January 9, 2012
Where's His Speedo?! - La Redoute, one of France's top mail order retailers, apologized yesterday after web users noticed that in a photo of four young children on the beach in the kids' clothing section, there was a naked man walking in the surf behind them. Apparently, through all the levels of editing, nobody had noticed him. But because of high-resolution photos and their website's magnifying glass function, the naked bather quickly became an Internet celebrity. Thanks to PhotoShop, he's popped up behind French President Nicolas Sarkozy, on the moon behind Neil Armstrong, and fighting a light saber duel with Darth Vader.

 * Only that's not a light saber he's swinging.

* The man was embarrassed, but only because this story contains the phrase "magnifying glass."

* Nobody noticed him...Well, actually, they did, but come on, this is France.

* Actually, the photo of him with Sarkozy is real: the naked guy behind all the kids was Roman Polanski.

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Friday, January 6, 2012
Don't Try This With Underwear - Melbourne University researcher Tullia Jack found 30 volunteers who agreed to wear the same pair of jeans five days a week for three months without washing them, as a challenge to our culture of "extreme clean." She claims that you don't need to wash your clothes as often as you think, that stains "come and go, they just wear off," and that not laundering the jeans helped the environment by saving electricity, water and soap. After three months, she says about half the subjects wanted to keep wearing and not washing the jeans. She also claims the jeans didn't stink, they just smelled "like people." She plans to prove it by putting them on display and letting the public sniff them.

* No, that's okay, I believe you!

* They smell like people...Homeless people.

* The half who wanted to keep wearing and not washing the jeans were the men...They'd do that anyway.

* Isn't this what all university students do?

* Don't even ask about her experiment in saving toilet paper.

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Thursday, January 5, 2012
How To Occupy The Unemployment Office - Columbia University announced that next semester, they'll offer a class that will send upperclassmen and grad students to "Occupy Wall Street" protests. It's taught by Dr. Hannah Appel, an "OWS" proponent, and students will be required to become involved with the movement outside the class. The course will be called "Occupy The Field: Global Finance, Inequality, Social Movement," and count toward a degree in Anthropology.

* You know, the useless degree all those protesters have that kept them from ever finding jobs.

* That will qualify them to work behind the counter at "Anthropologie" stores.

* If you don't want to end up protesting your own unemployment, maybe you should just take "Global Finance."

* What will they learn, how to sit around complaining, smoking dope and not bathing? They're college students; that's what they do already!

* Take enough courses like this, and you'll spend the next 30 years occupying your mom's basement.

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Wednesday, January 4, 2012
"Who Is 'Arthur Fonzarelli?!'" - In Rome, Italy, a 99-year-old man has filed for divorce from his 96-year-old wife after 77 years of marriage, accusing her of cheating on him. The couple have five children, 12 grandchildren and one great-grandchild. Recently, the man happened across some letters she sent to a former lover with whom she allegedly had an affair in the late 1950s, over half a century ago. The ANSA news agency reports that the wife has taken no steps to contest the divorce.

* Frankly, she can't wait to get back to the hot sex.

* In fact, she's taken no steps, period...He hid her walker.

* Five children, 12 grandchildren and one great-grandchild...and not one of them looks like him

* That was so long ago, she was in her forties and the entire planet was in its 'fifties.

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Friday, December 23, 2011
It's The Thought That Counts - A survey of 1700 Australian men by the cheaters' website AshleyMadison.com found that this year, they will spend up to $500 on Christmas gifts to their mistresses, which is double what they are spending on their wives. Mistresses are most likely to get diamonds, while wives can look forward to gifts of household items. Nearly a quarter of cheating men plan to sneak out and see their mistresses on Christmas Day. And while 90 percent buy their mistresses' gifts with cash, 7 percent are brazen enough to use their joint bank accounts. A spokesman for AshleyMadison.com said it's not surprising that January is the peak month for divorces in Australia.

* Also murders.

* That's when their wives get the Visa bill from Zales, and their gift was a vacuum cleaner.

* Three-quarters of men don't see their mistresses on Christmas Day, hence the diamonds.

* The lesson for women: never get married, just be a mistress.

* Men have to give their mistresses big gifts to make up for the small packages.

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Thursday, December 22, 2011

Reindeer Game - The upscale British story Harvey Nichols is offering one of the worst Christmas gourmet treats every: canned reindeer pate for $23 a can. The label claims that it's "an indulgent Christmas treat" that contains a "farm-raised relative of Rudolph." It sparked a protest campaign by Vegetarians International Voice for Animals, who demanded it be removed from shelves. It worked, sort of: canned reindeer pate is no longer on shelves, but only because the protests gave it so much publicity that it sold out. The good news: since it's a seasonal product, stores say they won't restock it before Christmas.

* They have to fill the shelves with bunny meat in time for Easter.

* The only disgusting canned Christmas product they still have is the canned Christmas music.

* It doesn't actually contain Rudolph because he's a genetic mutation.

* It's not meat from Santa's reindeer, but it does make you fly to the toilet.

* Ted Nugent plans to wait on the roof on Christmas Eve and bag his own fresh.

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Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Aren't They All? - Next April in Florida, Carnival Cruise Lines will present the world's first horror-themed cruise. It's called the "Tides of Torture" cruise, and is billed as the first horror convention at sea. It costs $699 a person. Passengers will get to cruise with stars of films such as "Machete" and the "Halloween," "Hellraiser" and "Friday the 13th" movies. The cruise will also feature horror movie screenings, a "scream queen" contest and a "Dance of the Dead."

* They already have those on all the retiree cruises.

 * And the lounge entertainment: Kathie Lee Gifford!

* If I wanted to scream in horror on a cruise ship, I'd take a Richard Simmons cruise.

* There are also evil chefs who force you to eat and eat until your stomach explodes!... Oh wait, that's all cruise ships.

* If you want to combine horror with a cruise ship, rent "Boat Trip."

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Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Take My Art, Please - The Art Series hotel chain in Australia is displaying a $15,000 painting by graffiti artist, Banksy, at one of their hotels in Melbourne. And in keeping with the artist's guerrilla approach to art - painting under cover of darkness and hiding his identity - guests are encouraged to try to steal the painting. The rules are that you can't steal or damage anything else; and you must be polite, respectful, sophisticated and cool, because "art thieves are always cool." Also, if they catch you trying to steal the painting, you have to put it back. But if you manage to take it, you get to keep it.

* Because they hate it.

* In other words, it's like everything else in your hotel room.

* It's the hotel towel of modern art.

* The graffiti that's on the wall behind it looks better than the painting anyway.

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Monday, December 19, 2011
No Happy Ending - Police in Milwaukee report that they got a call from a 74-year-old man complaining that two women had stolen $50 from him. Actually, he said he gave them a $100 bill for "escort services," and they gave him a $50 massage and promised to return the next morning with $50 change, but never did. Police questioned one of the female escorts named LaDonna, who turned out to be a 22-year-old man in drag. They warned the victim against hiring escorts and told him this is a matter for the civil courts.

* Or the Jerry Springer Show.

* He could sue LaDonna for false advertising.

* He obviously needs that money to put toward his cataract surgery.

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Friday, December 16, 2011
And The Five Gold Rings Are Nipple Rings - Peckham's delicatessen in Edinburgh, Scotland, has sparked controversy with its holiday window display that puts a surreal twist on "The 12 Days of Christmas." It was created by an artist hired by the Hendrick's gin company. The partridge sits in a cucumber plant, which is an ingredient in Hendrick's gin. The three French hens are represented by three live giant snails with painted shells. And most controversial, the eight maids-a-milking are represented by eight photos of women breast-feeding lambs. Some customers call it tasteless and confusing, but a Hendrick's spokesman says the original carol is confusing anyway, and if your true love had given you a partridge and doves and 10 lords a-leaping, you'd be dreading the next day and think "your true love is a bit weird."

* Then when the 11 pipers piping arrived, you'd dump him.

* But if you gave you eight women breast-feeding lambs, you'd change your name and disappear.

* At least he didn't send you anything with eye stalks and a slime trail.

* Maybe your true love just went Christmas shopping after drinking a bottle of Hendrick's gin.

* The artist's "Eight Days of Hanukkah" display was much more realistic...Nothing but socks and underwear.

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Thursday, December 15, 2011
And The Beast With Two Backs! - We always hear that species are constantly going extinct. But Monday, the environmental group WWF reported that more than 200 previously-unknown species were discovered in Southeast Asia's Greater Mekong region last year. They say the area's diversity is so astonishing that scientists are finding a new species about every two days. Among them are a wildly colored gecko, a fish that looks like a gherkin, a lizard that reproduces via cloning so there's no need for males, five species of carnivorous plants that even eat rats and birds, and a monkey with an Elvis-like pompadour hairdo that's been nicknamed the "Elvis Monkey." The WWF said that even though they've just been discovered, many are already facing extinction due to encroachment on their habitat, poaching and "heading for the dinner table."

* The Elvis Monkeys keep eating fried foods until they die of heart attacks.

* The Elvis Monkey is being hunted to extinction for its fur by the Hair Club for men.

* They obviously ate all the male lizards.

* The gecko has been forced to survive by selling car insurance.

* So now we've found a gecko that looks like a rainbow, a fish that looks like a pickle, and a monkey that looks like Elvis, but we can't find a Republican who looks like a possible President.

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Wednesday, December 14, 2011
The Thick Blue Line - 22-year-old Timothy Randall Clark was arrested last week at a Wal-Mart in Waldorf, Maryland, with $635 worth of video games and accessories stuffed into his pants and sweatshirt. When security spotted him and called for a cop, it didn't take long. He had allegedly decided to shoplift during a national charity event for needy kids called "Shop With A Cop" Day, and there were at least 50 police officers all around him in Walmart.

* Damn! There's never a cop not there when you don't need one!

* He misunderstood: he thought it was "Shoplift Till You Drop" Day.

* After what happened on Black Friday, every day should be "Shop With A Cop" Day.

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Tuesday, December 13, 2011
And Don't Hand A Baby An Apple! - Last week, religious authorities in Saudi Arabia warned against letting women drive because it would lead to the end of virginity. Now, an unnamed Islamic cleric living in Europe has advised that women not get close to bananas, cucumbers, carrots, zucchini or similarly-shaped fruits and vegetables because they "resemble the male penis" and could arouse women and make them think "sexual thoughts." When asked what to do if women in the family liked these foods, the cleric said a third party, preferably a male relative, should cut the phallic items into small pieces and serve.

* That's too bad because I bet women there would really enjoy being able to cut phallic items into small pieces.

* They can handle baby carrots because those only remind them of sex with their husbands.

* For some reason, Saudi women think of "the male penis" when they see a green bean.

* Also, bananas and cucumbers give the Saudi men an inferiority complex.

* The worst mortal sin in the Middle East would be a woman driving herself to a green grocer.

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Monday, December 12, 2011
Yes, He's Tenured - Long Island University Prof. George Giuliani has written a book attacking a surprising target: the beloved TV special, "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer." In "No More Bullies on the North Pole." he argues that "Rudolph" promotes bullying by showing Rudolph being ostracized for being different. The fact that his nose later makes him a hero doesn't help: Giuliani says the special sends the wrong message to children by implying that Rudolph's uniqueness has to have a useful purpose for him to be accepted. Asked for a second opinion, the head of a psychological services firm in Pittsburgh said, "I think this guy has too much time on his hands."

* In other words, his book serves no useful purpose.

* Well, of course he does: all of the other professors never let him join all in all their psychologist games.

* This is the kind of theory you come up with after you've drunk enough to get a shiny red nose.

* Whatever we do, we must NEVER let this guy see "A Charlie Brown Christmas!"

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Friday, December 9, 2011
Isn't Michael Moore A Muppet? - Some conservative commentators on Fox Business Network have identified a new leftwing menace: the Muppets. "Follow The Money" host Ed Bolling said the new Muppet movie has an "anti-corporate" message because the villain is an oilman who wants to drill under the Muppets' theater. Dan Gainor of the Media Research Center agreed, saying the Muppets followed "Captain Planet" and Al Gore's movie as the latest tool to indoctrinate children with the idea that mankind is a virus on Mother Earth, and that this where the "Occupy Wall Street" crowd came from.

* Well, they do carry a lot of viruses...

* They've patterned their entire lives around Oscar the Grouch, who occupies somebody's garbage can.

* Hollywood actually toned it down: in the first draft, Sarah Palin shot and roasted Miss Piggy.

* They forgot to mention that the Muppets all walk around with some guy's hand up their bottoms, so they're obviously promoting the gay agenda.

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Thursday, December 8, 2011
Art Drecko - Great Britain's annual $37,000 (US) Turner Prize for Modern Art has been awarded. The finalists included a Scottish artist who filled a room with wadded-up paper, cellophane, soap and deodorant; an artist whose paintings of his house included one titled "Landscape With Dog(bleep) Bin;" and a video called "Floor" that consists of nothing but some footage of a floorboard. But the Turner Prize went to Martin Boyce, whose winning artwork, "Perforated And Porous," was a collection of sculptures made of industrial junk that suggested a park, with a centerpiece of a bent, rusty garbage bin. Judges hailed it as "pioneering" and said it displayed "a new sense of poetry," although one gallery visitor said he thought it was an actual beat-up garbage can and nearly threw some litter into it.

* Philistine!

* That would have ruined it! Or improved it. Hard to say, really...

* There is something kind of poetic in that...

* When the judges realized that the art actually looked like what it was supposed to be, they took the prize away.

* Know what would've improved the floorboard video? A laugh track.

* The painter had another artwork called "Piece of Crap," and it actually was.

* I think I saw that wadded-up paper, cellophane, soap and deodorant artwork on an episode of "Hoarders."

WEB LINK! Photos of the winners: http://tinyurl.com/88qmeyy

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Wednesday, December 7, 2011 (70th anniversary of Pearl Harbor)
At Least She Has A Career - Father-of-three Titus Ncube of Bulawayo, Zimbabwe, was staying in a hotel while having marital problems, so he called for a prostitute to come up to his room. He was shocked he collapsed to the floor when the hooker turned out to be his 20-year-old daughter. Ncube said he'd apologized to his daughter and wife, and is now in marriage counseling. His wife said she could have divorced him long ago but didn't because she thought a divorce might be too traumatic for their children.

* Obviously, keeping dad around insured that they grew up well-adjusted.

* He should've suspected this would happen when he called up his son's pimp service.

* He has three kids...Good thing he never got around to calling the numbers for those two drug dealers he wanted to reach.

* He was too embarrassed to apologize to his daughter in person, so he just left an apology on her nightstand.

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Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I Just Can't See It - Stevie Wonder told Ellen Degeneres that he's losing weight in preparation for competing on "Dancing With The Stars." He would be the first blind celebrity dancer, but not the first with a disability. Recent winner JR Martinez had to relearn how to walk after an explosion in Iraq, and Marlee Matlin came in 7th despite being deaf.

* And Rob Kardashian overcame being a Kardashian and having no actual talent.

* Chaz Bono had to overcome both obesity and being a man without a penis.

* And of course, a lot of people on that show have no sense of taste.

* Stevie Wonder might be more qualified to be a judge on that show.

* Stevie's losing weight by walking everywhere instead of driving.

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Monday, December 5, 2011
Like My Habeas Corpus? - The Miami New Times reports that strippers were being hired to pose as paralegals, go into prisons for private visits with accused drug lords, then get naked and let the guys touch them. One was caught stripping on a prison security camera. Spokeswomen for exotic dancer groups say it's hard to imagine anyone would take the risk of arrest unless she were desperate for money. One attorney said they're getting away with it by abusing the paralegal system: "Any lawyer can sign a form and designate a legal assistant," so strippers are being designated as paralegals to rich drug defendants to smuggle in porn, cash and alcohol and give them lap dances.

* They have no legal skills, just a lot of illegal skills.

* Knowing how to screw people doesn't make you a lawyer...You also need a diploma.

* So it's true what we see on TV lawyer shows: Paralegals are HOT!

* I hate to see strippers tarnish their reputations by getting mixed up with lawyers.

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Friday, December 2, 2011
Pump It Up - Elvis Costello's record label brought out a limited edition CD-book box set on him that's priced at $225, but he advised fans not to buy it. On his website, Elvis said the price "appears to be either a misprint or a satire." He suggests instead buying a 10-disc Louis Armstrong box set. He said it's under $150 and the music is "vastly superior."

* This is why nobody honest is ever put in charge of marketing.

* Louis Armstrong's record label immediately raised the price to $225.

* If Justin Bieber had his integrity, he would never have sold a single CD.

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Thursday, December 1, 2011
Is That Rudolph's Head On The Wall? - For the second Christmas in a row, the Scottsdale, Arizona, Gun Club is offering a unique holiday memento: a photo with Santa and your choice of guns. Your family members can pose with Santa holding your choice of anything from pistols to assault rifles, grenade launchers, AK-47s or an $80,000 machine gun. Some media critics are appalled, but the Gun Club says it's just good family fun for people who want to express their holiday spirit and their passions for their hobby and the Second Amendment. It's so popular that this year, they doubled the price of the photos to $10.

* Nobody argues with them about handing over their money.

* Santa's loaded, and so is his gun.

* If Santa looks even fatter than usual, it might be the bullet-proof vest.

* Santa has flying reindeer, so this combines the best parts of deer hunting and duck hunting.

* Santa has a concealed carry permit...There's a Glock in his beard.

* To be fair, Santa does go out late at night carrying a lot of expensive merchandise into some pretty bad neighborhoods.

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Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Even More Embarrassing: It Was A Pinkie Ring - London firefighters released a report of 417 unusual emergency calls they've had to deal with. They include people stuck in handcuffs, kids with toilet seats stuck on their heads, a person whose fingers were stuck in a DVD player, a man stuck in a child-size toy car, a youth wedged in an ironing board, and 160 incidents of people who needed stuck rings removed, including a man who showed up at Queen Elizabeth Hospital with a ring stuck on his penis. It took 10 firefighters 20 minutes to cut it off after doctors were unable to pry it off. A spokesman urged the public to think carefully about whether it's really an emergency before calling the emergency line.

* For instance, wait to see if your erection lasts four hours before calling a doctor to remove your ring.

* I don't believe it requires any debate to decide that having a ring stuck on your penis is an emergency.

* Sometimes, all it takes is a little lubricant...Of course, if you're in handcuffs with a ring stuck on your penis, chances are you've already tried that.

* That man showed up at Queen Elizabeth Hospital with a ring stuck on his penis 57 times...And he was dressed as Queen Elizabeth.

* Did it really take 10 firefighters, or were most of them just there to laugh?

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Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Bring The Grinch In For Questioning - Christmas shopping invaded Thanksgiving, and now Christmas is getting invaded by another holiday. In Chicago, someone stole up to $200,000 from the safe of the company that ran the Dream Reapers Halloween haunted house in Melrose Park. To try to recoup enough money to pay for next year, the haunted house will reopen in December, in hopes that people will want to take a break from all the cheery Christmas decorations to be terrified.

* Wasn't the fear of getting trampled by crazed Black Friday shoppers scary enough?

* Too late: after Thanksgiving with the relatives and Black Friday, nothing scares me anymore.

* Personally, I find Frosty the Snowman terrifying enough.

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Monday, November 28, 2011
Para-Abnormal Activity- 73-year-old grandmother Doris Birch of Herne Bay, England, claims she can't sleep because she keeps getting groped by a ghost. She said the horny poltergeist is "like an octopus." It started four months ago, when she was lying in bed and felt a creepy pair of hands on her. She said she kicked frantically and it went away, but it kept coming back. She even tried getting a new mattress, to no avail. She said it's giving her the jitters and harassing her, and "I need to call in the Ghostbusters." A local husband-and-wife ghost hunting team say they'll come over, and the man will try to draw the ghost into him so it can be captured in a "vortex of light" and sent to the other side.

* He's just hoping that this particular ghost is bisexual.

* It must be the ghost of Ben Franklin...He liked the older women.

* He likes to grope 73-year-old women?...Have any TSA agents died recently?

* They're hoping the ghost is Muslim so they can convince him there are 72 virgins on the other side.

* She might've enjoyed it if his hands weren't SO cold!

* They believe it might be Casper, the overly-friendly ghost.

* Politico.com wants to know she's absolutely certain it wasn't Herman Cain.

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Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Text Spelling Explained - Noted sleep expert Dr. Marcus Schmidt tells MSNBC that he's seeing a rising number of cases of "sleep texting." Sufferers grab their cell phones and send text messages in their sleep. They don't realize they've done it until the recipients ask why they sent baffling texts at 3 a.m. One conservative young woman was shocked to discover she was "sexting" and sending out naughty photos of herself in her sleep. Schmidt said sleep deprivation can spark common motor behaviors. Since people text so much now, they unconsciously reach for the phone. He suggests getting the phone out of the bedroom and as far away as possible.

* Your spouse will be happy about that, anyway.

* I'd be happy if people would just stop sleep-texting while driving.

* He also suggests that if you do sleep-text naked photos of yourself, that you send them to a noted sleep expert.

* This explains why people send pointless incoherent texts at 3 a.m. So, why do they send them the rest of the time?

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Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Tyler Perry's Feeble-Ass Excuse - Tyler Perry is trying to defend casting reality and sex tape star Kim Kardashian in his upcoming movie, "The Marriage Counselor." Facing rising criticism from fans of his Christian message movies, Perry explained that he wanted a younger cast to attract younger viewers, and Kim rounds that out. Also, he said he thinks "it would be very responsible of her to be a part of this film" and good for young people who see her as a role model to "see her in a film that is about what happens in life when you make the wrong choices."

* They know already: you get your own reality show, millions of dollars, and a part in a Tyler Perry movie.

* She will inspire viewers by starting the movie in a big paper bag and attempting to act her way out of it.

* Kim could round out any cast just by turning around.

* She almost turned down the role because of the nudity...There wasn't any.

MUSIC LINK! Marilyn Harris, a jazz singer/songwriter pal of ours, has a funny new tune called "72 Days: The Kim Kardashian Blues." Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHmHw0OR_8Y

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Monday, November, 21, 2011
He Has A Fool For A Client – Last week in Lehigh County, Pennsylvania, Philome Cesar was representing himself on charges of committing 25 robberies when he asked one victim on the witness stand to describe what the robber sounded like. He replied, "He sounded like you." Cesar paused, startled, and the jury cracked up laughing. Moments later, he asked another witness what the robber sounded like. She replied, "He sounded exactly like you." She added that she was "1,000 percent sure" it was Cesar, not just because of his voice, but he was wearing a "fishnet mask," so she could also see his face.

* Plus, he was wearing the fishnet mask in the courtroom.

* He'd heard robbers should wear stockings over their heads, and fishnets are very "in" right now.

* He moved that her testimony be stricken because she was obviously a hostile witness.

* If all cases were this entertaining, nobody would try to get out of jury duty.

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Friday, November 18, 2011
Really Fake Fur - PETA is now fighting for the rights of fictitious video game animals. In the new game "Super Mario Brothers 3," the character Mario wears a Tanooki suit, which is modeled after Japanese raccoon dogs called tanuki. PETA claims that it's sending the message that it's okay to wear fur, even though it's not fur, it's just cartoon pixels. To try to shame Nintendo into changing the game, PETA launched a website called "Mario Kills Tanooki," where players control a skinless animal as it chases a Mario wearing a blood-soaked Tanooki suit.

* Kids now think it's the coolest game on the Internet.

* Doesn't that send the message that animals can live without their skin?

* The people at PETA think Donkey Kong is a real animal.

* Shouldn't PETA be spending their resources on something more constructive, like paying for therapy for the Angry Birds?

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Thursday, November 17, 2011
I See A Big Musical Number! - After receiving a torrent of outraged calls and emails about their separation of two bonded male African penguins, the Toronto Zoo announced that they will be reunited in the spring after mating season with females is over. The zoo claims that Buddy and Pedro have a "social" bond that's not necessarily sexual. But when word came that they were being separated, they became famous as the gay penguin couple. The story inspired the phrase, "Brokeback Iceberg," and a call from someone claiming to represent the Canadian Society for Gay Animals, a group whose existence could not be verified.

* It's the group that dares not speak its name!

* Did they try calling the headquarters of Cirque du Soleil?

* Their spokesman is a lion named Snagglepuss.

* They're not really gay...They just hang out together, engage in mating behavior together and both wear pink cummerbunds with their tuxedos.

* Buddy and Pedro just wish they were free to go on fishing trips together.

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Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Age-Defying Makeup Sex - If women want to look younger, they need to have sex more often. Royal Edinburgh Hospital in Scotland discovered that women who have sex at least four times a week were scored by others as looking up to 10 years younger than their real ages. But most women aren't taking advantage of this fountain-of-youth aspect of sex. A survey by the group HealthyWomen found that only 42 percent of women believe that sex is very or extremely important to their overall health. Only 51 percent believe that having sex a few times a week is considered healthy. And only 30 percent actually do it. 66 percent say they do it once a week or less.

* They're too tired from taking care of the kids they had back when they actually were having sex four times a week.

* The women having sex four or more times a week have a partner who really is 10 years younger than they are.

* Maybe they have so much sex because they look 10 years younger than they are.

* I'd bet a week's salary that all the researchers backing this theory are men.

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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

You've Gotta Break A Few Legs To Make An Omelet - Manhattan lawyer Richard Katz has been a member of the posh Setai Club and Spa Wall Street since 2009, and he says they used to serve a wonderful breakfast, with everything from omelets to yogurt. But last month, they closed the restaurant and started serving a cold buffet. After a month of complaints, the club let him quit and gave him a prorated refund of his $5,000 annual dues. But Katz told them, "It's just not that easy." He's suing them for $730,000. That's $230,000 in damages for the breakfast and $500,000 for a libelous comment allegedly made by a spa worker.

* She accused him of taking breakfast too seriously.

* Whatever she called him, she could probably get a jury to agree with her.

* They should've expected this from his law firm's motto: "We sue people over breakfast."

* He has a point: I'll bet that never seeing him again is worth $730,000.

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Monday, November 14, 2011

Gruesome Threesome - 22-year-old Jorge Daniel Silva of Naples, Florida, is apparently unclear on how a threesome works. Police say Silva convinced his wife and another woman to join in. But his wife says that when she began kissing the other woman, he "freaked out" and became consumed with jealousy and started hitting his wife. The women ran to the bedroom and locked the door. Convinced that they were having sex without him, Silva allegedly broke down the door, swung a TV set at his wife like a bat, dropped it on her, then threw a second TV at her. He also punched the other woman when she tried to intercede. He's facing felony charges. Police believe alcohol was a factor. They note that it was Silva's first threesome.

* Maybe he'll get the hang of it in jail.

* He got his idea of how threesomes work by watching Three Stooges movies.

* His wife and the other woman are now a twosome.

* He'll be spending a lot of lonely nights in front of the TV...Oh wait, no he won't.

* If he wanted to spice up his sex life, maybe he should've started slowly by just removing the TWO TV sets from his bedroom.

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Friday, November 11, 2011 - Happy Veterans' Day!
What Got Stroked? - The Daily Mail reports that 26-year-old Chris Birch of Ystrad Mynach, Wales, was a burly, 266-pound rugby player and skinhead type who was engaged to his girlfriend when he attempted a backflip in the field. He fell, broke his neck and suffered a stroke. Days later, he awoke in the hospital to discover he'd lost all interest in women and sports, and was now gay. Birch claims he'd never had any gay tendencies or friends before the accident. He's since quit his bank job, retrained to become a hairdresser, bleached his hair, hit the gym, lost 112 pounds and is living with a 19-year-old boyfriend. Birch says a neurologist told him the stroke might have caused it by opening up a different part of his brain.

* ...Around in the rear.

* Either that or while he was lying unconscious, someone left the hospital room TV on "Glee."

* He's praying this makes him famous enough to be on "Dancing With The Stars."

* An even stranger side-effect: he can now read Welsh street signs.

 
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Thursday, November 10, 2011
Redefining "Edible" - University of Washington anthropology graduate student David Giles is Dumpster-diving as part of his masters thesis, which he plans to turn into a book. Giles wants to bring awareness to how much edible food people throw away just because keeping it isn't profitable, and encourage them to give it to the hungry instead. He says, "The first thing that hits you in the face is how good the stuff in the Dumpster is." He says he's cut his own food bill down to $100 a month by eating food found in the Dumpster.

* He could get it down to zero, but he hates having to fight with the rats.

* Since he's majoring in anthropology, it bodes well that he enjoys eating out of Dumpsters.

* When you think about it, aren't all degrees in anthropology really degrees in Dumpster-diving?

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Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Next Year, He'll Be "Passe" - British soccer player Gabriel Zakuani may have stumbled on the trendiest celebrity baby name of all time. Inspired by the "trending topics" feature on Twitter, he just named his baby son "Trendy." He says Trendy "suits him" and he's sure it will grow on people.

* Like a fungus.

* But by then, all the kids will be named Trendy.

* His first name is "Literally"...He's "Literally Trendy Zakuani."

* He's Trendy now, but when he grows up, he'll be Stabby.

 
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Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Also, No More Nudity At Board Meetings - In San Francisco, people are legally allowed to walk around naked in public, but not everyone is happy with every aspect of that. Last week, the Board of Supervisors voted unanimously to put limits on the naked people. The new ordinance bans nudity in restaurants and requires anyone with nude buttocks to put down a cover on benches or other public seats before sitting down. The board still has to give it final approval, but Supervisor Scott Wiener, who represents the Castro neighborhood where nudists often gather, said that public sanitation concerns are a "tangible issue" in his district.

* So tangible I don't even want to think about it.

* You'd think it wouldn't be necessary to tell naked people to put down a towel before they sit on a bus seat.

* They said it's a health issue: they're just trying to protect the nudists from splinters.

* It's about time someone put a leash on those naked people...although many of them are used to that.

* This will enable the city to slash millions of dollars from its power-washing budget.

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Monday, November 7, 2011
Where Imelda Marcos Wants To Be Buried - Macy's in New York's Herald Square is undergoing a $400 million renovation that will create the world's largest shoe department. It will offer 39,000 square feet of "fashion and luxury footwear," encompassing up to 300,000 pairs of shoes.

* Or as women call it, "Orgasm Mart."

* Men will have to sit around waiting while women try on all of them.

* It's an exact replica of Melania Trump's closet.

* Until it opens, women have formed a movement called "Occupy Herald Square."

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Friday, November 4, 2011
That's Not Ectoplasm On The Sofa - A photo taken in Euclid, Ohio, may have revealed a whole new aspect of the afterlife. Dianne Carlisle said her 4-year-old granddaughter was playing with her cell phone and inadvertently took a photo that appears to show two ghostly apparitions having sex in her living room. Carlisle said she's had previous encounters with ghosts in her house, but "I never seen anything like this. I mean, ghosts still have feelings? They're having sex?"

* A lot of men who are still living would verify that you don't need feelings to have sex.

* That would explain all the late-night moaning.

* Sex can go on even after you're dead inside, which is like a lot of marriages.

* Turns out Casper is even friendlier than we thought.

* It's not real sex, it's just cadavers going through the motions of having sex...So it's like British sex.

*  Not only are ghosts having sex, but somewhere, their skeletons are boning.

WEB LINK!
Video with the photo here: http://tinyurl.com/5wwfa3u

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Thursday, November 3, 2011
She'll Spend It All On Bulky Sweaters With Vertical Stripes - Saturday night in Atlantic City, a woman won the grand prize of $25,000 worth of plastic surgery in the Trump Taj Mahal Casino's Nip and Tuck Sweepstakes. But she opted to take it in cash instead and not to make her name public.

* Just in case she ever wants to accuse Herman Cain of sexual harassment.

* So we'll just refer to her as "the ugly chick."

* Unfortunately, she didn't get to meet Donald Trump, since he won't be in the same room with any woman who hasn't had $25,000 worth of plastic surgery.

 
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Wednesday, November 2, 2011
He's Off Her List - Police in Colorado Springs, Colorado, report that Keith Gaylor was planning to entertain a woman he'd met through the CraigsList dating ads at his home when his girlfriend came home unexpectedly. When his date knocked on the door at 3 a.m. as instructed, Gaylor panicked. He allegedly called 911 and told police that a female burglar with a gun was trying to break down his door. Five officers arrived and hauled her away. But after talking to her, they decided there was "more to the story than meets the eye." They released her and gave Gaylor a misdemeanor citation for making a false police report.

* Although he begged them to put him into protective custody.

* Know what else CraigsList is good for? Finding a new boyfriend.

* His girlfriend's date must've ended early.

* Here's a tip: Never try to have an affair when you're that bad at making up lies.


 
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Tuesday, November 1, 2011
A Monopoly On Booze - Laura Chavez of Santa Fe, New Mexico, allegedly admitted hitting her boyfriend, Clyde "Butch" Smith, over the head with a glass bottle and then stabbing him repeatedly because they were playing Monopoly and she thought he was cheating. Police said they both appeared drunk, and when asked the blood all over Smith was his, she relied, "Yes, I f---ed him up." He's in stable condition. She went directly to jail on a variety of charges.

* She did not collect $200, although she could've used it for bail.

* The only thing he had to protect his head was a little metal top hat.

* This sounds like the kind of thing that happens down on Baltic Avenue.

 
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Monday, October 31, 2011 - Happy Halloween!

They'll Smell You Coming - The city of Burton-on-Trent, England, is surrounded by hops fields that make it smell like beer, and people sometimes remark on the bad odor. But it gave local businesswoman Victoria Brookes an idea for a new designer scent. She's created a civic pride perfume called "Eau-de-Burton." The fragrance is a combination of beer, leather (to represent local sports teams), pickles (because Branston pickles were invented there) and Marmite, the traditional salty, yeasty British sandwich spread whose slogan is "Love it or hate it." Brookes admits that you wouldn't think a perfume that combines Marmite, pickles, leather and beer would smell good, but it's getting lots of compliments.

* Mostly from hungry beer-drinkers.

* It's like English Leather, only a lot more English.

* When you wear it, you're making a statement: "Love me or hate me."

* Why would anyone buy this when all the people in Burton smell like this already?

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Friday, October 28, 2011

News From Bizarro World - Researchers at the Hospital Magalhaes Lemos in Portugal say it's not just men who are plagued by the problem of finishing too early during sex. A survey of Portuguese women found that 40 percent occasionally reach orgasm sooner than they intended, and for about 3 percent, it's a chronic problem. The study leader said that while this is seldom discussed, "Female premature orgasm is more than bothersome. We think it's as serious a distress as it is in men."

* Which tells us these researchers are not women.

* Especially when she immediately rolls over and falls asleep.

* It wouldn't be so bad if they'd at least wait until the man is in the room.

* Some women reach orgasm in just 30 seconds, or as men call that, a simultaneous climax.

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Thursday, October 27, 2011
We Know What You Are, We're Just Dickering Over The Price - TMZ.com reports that Lindsay Lohan has agreed to pose full frontal nude for Playboy. TMZ says that Playboy offered her $750,000 months ago, she demanded $1 million, and Playboy refused. But they came back with an offer close enough to convince her to take it. She reportedly started doing the shoot last weekend, which means she was alternating doing community service in the morgue with posing for nude photos.

* In both places, people were taking photos of a deathly white, naked body.

* Lindsay actually enjoyed taking off her clothes for once without it being the prelude to a body cavity search.

* This could be the first photo shoot Lindsay's ever done where she can't steal the wardrobe.

* She'll take her clothes off for $1 million...For another million dollars, she'll set the bottle down.

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Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Frog In A Blender -
Ward Clark of Pajamas Media reports that vegans who think they're preventing animal suffering by eating vegetables are kidding themselves. Clark says that between the mice, birds and rabbits killed by pesticides and traps, and the rodents and frogs cuisinarted by threshers, growing vegetables kills far more vertebrates than hunting. For instance, killing one deer can yield 120 pounds of meat, but harvesting 120 pounds of rice can kill tens of thousands of rodents, insects, reptiles and amphibians.

* Yeah, but not Bambi's Mother!

* To the animal world, Uncle Ben is Hitler.

* If you really cared about living creatures, you'd eat nothing but gravel.

* The good news: you've got one more excuse not to eat your vegetables.

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Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Rappers Will Do Hard Time - Congress is considering a proposed new copyright law pushed by the music industry that would make public performance of copyrighted songs without permission a criminal offense. To protest how far overboard that is, some opponents launched a website called FreeBieber.org. Since Justin Bieber came to fame by performing other people's songs on YouTube, they say this law would have made that a felony. The site features Photoshopped pictures of Bieber spending five years in prison, wearing an orange jumpsuit, getting a teardrop tattoo and having prison visits from Selena Gomez.

* But Justin's cellmate tells her to forget it, he's taken.

* They're right; this law is crazy. It should be a death penalty offense.

* Do they realize that they're making this law sound pretty darn good?

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Monday, October 24, 2011
There Will Be Blood - Witches and zombies are at each others' throats in Salem, Massachusetts. For the second time in three days, police had to be called to a mall where two Halloween attractions, the Nightmare Factory and the Witch Mansion, are competing for visitors. One time, Nightmare Factory zombies claimed that one of the witches was deliberately bumping into them. The other time, witches complained that the zombies were shouting, "Witch Mansion sucks!" They claimed they were shouting, "White Sox," so apparently, they're Chicago zombies. Frustrated police officers said they'll be glad when November gets here.

* In fact, they'll be...giving thanks.

* If there was some way they could give these zombies some brains, trust me, they would.

* The cops didn't believe the zombies were White Sox fans...If they really were dead men walking, they'd be Cubs fans.

* The cops agreed it was the stupidest argument they'd seen up until Mitt Romney and Rick Perry.

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Friday, October 21, 2011
No Sext, Please, We're British - A poll of over 2,000 British adults by Computeractive magazine found that they think the most annoying tech-related word to enter the dictionary in the past year is "sexting." "Sexting" was given the magazine's annual "Unspeakable Award" over such other top contenders as "defriend," "Twittersphere" and "intexticated." The editor said that while there's no argument those words are all unspeakable, any word like "sexting" that can be voted as more horrible than "intexticated" deserves an award.

* Someone must've been intoxicated when he invented "intexticated."

* If someone uses the word "intexticated," you should defriend him immediately .

* If you sext when you're intoxicated, does that make you insexticated?

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Thursday, October 20, 2011
The Internet Is For Porn - Sunday afternoon, visitors to "Sesame Street's" YouTube Channel were greeted with a message saying it had been shut down "due to repeated or severe violations of our community guidelines." Someone had hacked into the site and replaced the Muppets with explicit porn videos. By Monday, the channel was restored, and "Sesame Street" issued a statement saying that Big Bird, Cookie Monster, Oscar the Grouch and "the rest of the fuzzy, feathered, and googly-eyed friends you remember from childhood" were back.

* Well, not Miss Piggy...She was off doing some things with Kermit that had never occurred to her before.

* There's also a new character: French Tickler Elmo.

* Oscar the Grouch kinda liked it, but then, he's used to sleeping with trash.

* On Saturday, "Sesame Street" was brought to you by the letters, "X,X,X."

* The Count was counting fake orgasms, until he actually lost count.

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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Another Expensive Halloween Decoration - Artist Leon Reid IV told the New York Post that he hopes to decorate the Brooklyn Bridge with a giant vinyl spider, 30 by 15 feet and filled with helium. It would be displayed in October of 2014. Reid calls the project "A Spider Lurks In Brooklyn." He said he wants to draw parallels between the architecture of humankind and spiders, and he thought it would be "cool" if a giant spider were crawling over the bridge, because it would make it seem as if the spider wove the cables Two problems: he doesn't have city approval yet and he needs to raise $800,000 to make the giant inflatable spider.

* Obama put it in his jobs bill, but that's stalled in Congress.

* Has he considered approaching Macy's? After the art exhibit's over, they could put it in the Thanksgiving Day parade.

* Doesn't New York City already have enough genuine oversized vermin?

* I know how he could get funding and show the similarities between spiders and humans in architecture: just name it "the Trump Spider."

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Tuesday, October 18, 2011
They've Seen "Last Tango" Too Many Times - The editors of Maxim magazine seem to believe that the way to a man's crotch is through his stomach. They just named 64-year-old butter queen Paula Deen as the Number 1 hottest female TV chef, over such sexy foodie babes as Padma Lakshmi and Gianda DeLaurentiis. Maxim's editors say that while some consider Deen's high-caloric fare "dangerous," they find it to be a turn-on. They say just thinking about her makes them hungry for a "bacon-wrapped, beer-batter fried stick of butter." To show their devotion, they even ran a photo of a stick of butter instead of a photo of Deen.

* That turns them on a lot more.

* Pretty much the same thing.

* Paula's food has a way of going right to a man's heart, and stopping it.

* Paula Deen's "Better Than Sex" cake really IS better than sex with Paula Deen.

* These guys would have multiple orgasms if they ever visited the State Fair of Texas.

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Monday, October 17, 2011
Take Out A Bridge Loan
- Officials in Monroe, Louisiana, have just discovered a problem with their new airport terminal that's sparked jokes about the government building more "bridges to nowhere." The $36 million cost of the terminal was partly covered with $7 million from the FAA's airport improvement program and $10 million from Obama's stimulus bill. Only after it was finished did they discover that some of the passenger loading bridges are several feet too short to reach the parked airplanes. Until they figure out a fix, they say they'll have to "improvise" in loading and unloading passengers.

* It all depends on how far passengers are willing to jump.

* On the bright side, that project created 200 construction jobs...for unemployed anthropology majors.

* Obama wants to spend $10 million more installing skateboard ramps at the end of the bridges.

* If only the Republicans had agreed to a bigger stimulus bill, they could have afforded measuring tapes.

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Friday, October 14, 2011
Fabio Is Drab-io - A OnePoll.com survey of 3,000 British women found that their ideal man is "Mr. Average." A spokesman said they expected women would pick a tall, young, rich jock with a sexy foreign accent. But they were shocked when 58 percent of the women said their ideal man is age 30 to 45, dark-haired, 5-foot-10, a good cook and has a full-time job. A spokesman said the "boy next door" has made a staggering comeback in popularity. Instead of a tall, sexy hunk, women want dependability, domesticity, a little romance and humor and average size, in terms of height.

* They wouldn't mind larger than average size in terms other than height.

* These days, just having a full-time job makes you Mr. Above Average.

* Is there a country where all the women are looking for "Mr. Slightly Below Average?"

* Unfortunately for them, all the average-looking guys are looking for Miss Universe contestants.

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Thursday, October 13, 2011
Disaster Movie - TMZ.com reports that police in Budapest, Hungary, raided a warehouse and confiscated 85 high-powered weapons, including AK-47s and sniper rifles. They were going to be used as props in Brad Pitt's upcoming zombie movie, "World War Z." Authorities said some of the guns were loaded with live ammo and hadn't been properly disabled. They called it "a disaster waiting to happen."

* Oh, so they've already read the script?

* Luckily, authorities confiscated the guns and sold them to Mexican drug lords.

* So much for the director's plan to avoid paying the extras

* This movie is being made by people whose brains were already eaten by zombies.

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Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Ask Our Secret Source, Deep Throat - The Association of Finnish Lawyers is running a commercial in Finland that people aren't sure how to interpret. It shows an attractive woman in an office eating a long ice pop with great relish. As she licks and sucks it and pushes it in and out of her mouth, moaning in pleasure, men in the office notice, stop and stare transfixed. Then a caption appears asking, "Is this sexual harassment?...We know the answer. Association of Finnish Lawyers." It's sparked a debate as to which is supposed to be the sexual harassment: the men staring or the woman eating her ice pop? And is it possible to eat in a way that's so sexy it could get you sued? *

 The lawyers know the answer: ANYTHING can get you sued.

* More importantly, can you be sued for sexual harassment for watching this ad at work? Because I plan to watch it about 200 times.

* You think that's sexual harassment? Boy, some people will swallow anything.

* If you think this is bad, you should see the ad they rejected...It featured a lesbian eating a taco.

VIDEO LINK! See it here: http://tinyurl.com/43wghb4

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Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Oh, Bag It! - French officials are cracking down on the amount of ketchup available in school cafeterias, to help keep the children sufficiently French. They're worried that kids are opting for American snacks over French food. Under new rules, schools can serve ketchup and mayonnaise only with certain foods. For instance, kids can have ketchup with French fries, but they can only be served once a week. A spokesman for France's restaurant association said children have a tendency to smother everything in ketchup to mask the taste. He said, "We have to ensure the children become familiar with French recipes so they can hand them down to the following generation."

* Did he ever consider that being French, they don't want to hand down school cafeteria recipes to a new generation?

* If you put ketchup on French fries, you cover up the Frenchy part.

* You'd think that being French, they'd just give up.

* Here's a news flash: if you're going to get any kid to eat goose liver and snails, you'd better drown it in ketchup

* They're also replacing the cafeteria's chocolate milk with a good French Chardonnay.

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Monday, October 10, 2011
Wasn't Disco Silenced Around 1980? - The latest club fad to sweep Hollywood is "silent disco." It started in England. The way it works is that clubgoers are issued a pair of wireless headphones, so they can all hear the same music being streamed by a DJ. But even though they're dancing to pounding music in their ears, the room is actually silent. So if you want to talk to your date, you don't have to scream. You can both just take off your headphones.

* But nobody ever does.

* But you scream anyway because by then, you're deaf.

* But it's impossible to talk because you're laughing so hard at all the idiots gyrating around in dead silence.

* For a joke, they give Lindsay Lohan headphones that are playing Mozart.

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Friday, October 7, 2011

Cash Or Surgery? Suture Self - The Trump Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey, is holding a contest drawing at the end of October to win $25,000 worth of plastic surgery. The contest has drawn criticism, but a spokeswoman for Trump Entertainment said the winner can opt to take the prize in case. Besides, they determined if you just had a few procedures, it could easily reach $25,000.

* Ivana Trump spends that much every month.

* You could have several small procedures or get one humongous set of boobs.

* Frankly, Donald Trump wouldn't even look twice at you if you didn't have at least $100,000 worth.

* If Donald Trump offers you a free hair transplant, don't take it.

* If a man wins, take the cash...It'll make you more attractive to women than plastic surgery will.

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Thursday, October 6, 2011
Call David Copperfield - Sunday, scientists at Radboud University Nijmegen in the Netherlands announced that they had identified the molecular mechanism by which anammox germs turn an ingredient in urine into the rocket fuel hydrazine. They said NASA had been excited in the 1990s when it was discovered that a bacteria could turn urine into rocket fuel, but they found that it created so little fuel that it was "nothing like enough to get a rocket to Mars." They hope that understanding how it does it will help ramp up the process so they can create a lot more rocket fuel out of urine.

* Here's a suggestion: Start with Lindsay Lohan's urine.

* They hope to produce enough to fly a rocket to the planet Urine-us.

* To make enough urine, they'll have to drink a lot of beer, but they're willing to make that sacrifice for science.

* This is similar to the process that's used to make Cher's perfume.

* It's not a new concept...Keith Richards used to drink rocket fuel and turn it into urine.

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Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Even Janeane Garafalo? - Psychologists at Georgia Tech report that the "Avenue Q" song is right: "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist." But it's not our fault, it's the culture we grow up in. They asked test subjects if the letters "G-U-B" formed a word, then the letters "G-U-N." If they were shown a photo of a black face between the two, their brains recognized the word "gun" faster. This subconscious association between blacks and violence was universal. So they analyzed 10 million words worth of samples from books, magazines and newspapers and discovered they were filled with stereotyped word pairings, such as "black-murder," "women-weak," "white-greedy" and "old-wise." A spokesman said this is why everyone has racist gut reactions, but what matters is how we behave.

* Yeah, let's not get into that...

* That is so wise! He must be really old.

* It's okay for women to be racist because they're so weak, what are they gonna do about it?

* So if you don't want your child to be racist, NEVER teach him to read.

* Ironically, who is it who's always telling you to listen to your gut? Oprah.

MUSIC LINK!
From "Avenue Q": http://youtu.be/be-h0eevE_E

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Tuesday, October 4, 2011
He Just Wants To PUMP!…You up! -  Gary Winner of Northbrook, Rhode Island, pleaded guilty to scamming Medicare and agreed to forfeit $2 million. Winner allegedly bought penis pumps from an adult website and sent them to diabetes patients who never asked for them. The pumps cost him $26, and he billed Medicare $284 each. He also sent diabetes patients information claiming that the pumps help "bladder control, urinary flow and prostate comfort," a claim for which there's no specific proof.

* The box said they were for E.D., but he claimed that stood for "Extreme Diabetes."

* It doesn't cure any of those problems, but it makes you so popular with the ladies at the retirement home, you'll forget you have them.

* Great, now I'm going to have the image of Wilfred Brimley with a penis pump stuck in my head.

* He's now found an entirely legal way to rip off the taxpayers: he's making solar-powered penis pumps.

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Monday, October 3, 2011
But All Penguins Look Gay! – The American Library Association released a list of the top 100 books that people have tried to ban from libraries in the past 10 years. It includes classics like "Huckleberry Finn" and "To Kill a Mockingbird;" recent bestsellers like "Gossip Girl" and "Friday Night Lights;" and children's books such as "And Tango Makes Three," about a real-life gay penguin couple that adopted a chick. Perhaps the most ironic target was Ray Bradbury's "Fahrenheit 451," about a future society that burns books. And the #1 target of would-be book banners: the "Harry Potter" series.

* To be fair, some parents wanted that banned just because they were so damn sick of it.

* The protests against "To Kill A Mockingbird" mostly came from confused animal lovers.

* They protested that "Fahrenheit 451" makes book burning sound like a bad thing.

* Why don't they ban books that really deserve it, like novels by Snooki?

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Friday, September 30, 2011
A Fine Aged Whine - "Sixty Minutes" announced that this Sunday will mark the final appearance of "A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney." The curmudgeonly commentator is retiring after appearing on the show almost since it began in 1968 and doing over 1,000 shows, where he griped about every little annoyance from milk cartons to parking meters. The producers say that at 92, it's hard for him to do the show every week anymore, although he might make occasional appearances if he has a topic to discuss.

* After all, retirees just sit around carping about anything that's new, and CBS pays him for doing that.

* He got discouraged that after all his years of hard work, they're STILL stuffing pill bottles full of cotton!

* He plans to spend his remaining years creating topiary animals out of his eyebrows.

* Well, at least we finally know what the retirement age is at "Sixty Minutes."

* He waited until a few minutes with Andy Rooney was all the time Andy Rooney had left.

* Nobody can replace him, but they've got it down to either Ray Romano, Fran Drescher or Roseanne.

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Thursday, September 29, 2011
Free Love - University of Minnesota Prof. Kathleen Vohs has done several studies on "sexual economics," or the market value of sex, and she says it's never been cheaper. Sociologists say men want sex more than women do, which has traditionally meant that women could set a high price on sex, such as marriage or diamond jewelry. But by jumping into bed sooner with fewer expectations of long-term commitments, young women have "discounted" the price of sex. Research shows that 30 percent of young men's sexual relationships now involve no romance at all; they just get sex and give nothing in return, not even text messages. She says that when dating is boiled down to an economic model, men are getting more bang for their buck than ever.

* They're getting the bang free and spending the buck on a Snickers bar afterward.

* No wonder it's hard out there for a pimp!

* These days, the most expensive part of a booty call is the gasoline to drive over.

* Girls not only give away the milk, you can get the entire cow for free.

* Ironically, what really costs men now is when women stop having sex with them and divorce them.

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Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Yoko Liked It - Last week, a 1965 Beatles concert contract sold at auction for $23,000. That bodes well for British Beatles fan Barry Thomas, who paid 85 pounds ($131 US) at a 1980 auction for a roll of toilet paper rejected by the Beatles. The TP came with a letter of authenticity from an EMI manager, who confirmed that they refused to use it at Abbey Road Studios because it was too "hard and shiny" and they thought the fact that the EMI Records logo was stamped on every sheet was disgraceful. Experts told him it was impossible to set a value on such an odd object, but he says that he's been offered up to 1,000 pounds ($1,545) for a single sheet of it.

* That was from Sheryl Crow...She has the money, and for her, that would be a six-month supply.

* My god! Can you imagine how much it would be worth if they'd actually used it!

* It was so hard and shiny, it inspired Paul to write "Maxwell's Silver Hammer."

* I'll bet nobody would've wanted to hold their hand if they knew they refused to use toilet paper.

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Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Ridiculously Short-Lasting Depression - Elsie Pawlow of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, is suing Kraft, makers of Stride, the "ridiculously long-lasting chewing gum." In an unusually microscopic complaint, her lawsuit alleges that she chewed their gum and it stuck to her dentures. This forced her to have to dig small wads of gum out of her dentures, which she says was "disgusting," and it caused her to suffer depression "for approximately 10 minutes." She's seeking her legal costs plus interest and $100,000 in damages.

* Nobody gets paid $10,000 a minute, not even Charlie Sheen anymore.

* During that 10 minutes, she was REALLY depressed.

* She was disgusted?! It's the people who were in the restaurant around her who should sue!

* The jury will chew over her demands for ten minutes, then shove her lawsuit under the table and go home.

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Monday, September 26, 2011
That's Just Temporary Swelling - The Bangkok Post reports that a Thai beautician is charging top dollar to teach her ancient, government-approved beauty technique: breast slapping. She also offers face slapping and buttock-slapping. Her rapid-slap technique allegedly causes some pain but firms up the skin and muscles. She says that after a treatment, measuring tape shows that bustlines naturally grow up to an inch larger. A video of her demonstrating her breast-slapping technique has become an Internet hit. She insists it works on most women, unless their breasts are too small for slapping, and then she suggests getting plastic surgery and making them as big as you want.

* If the surgeon refuses to make them that big, she'll teach you how to slap him into it.

* Most women want them big enough to use as punch balls.

* Actually, her shop is in a town called Boobslap, Thailand...You don't want to know what they do to you in Bangkok.

* It's really great for circulation...Just watching the video of it gets my blood pumping.

* The face and breast slapping is for firming, the buttock-slapping is just for fun.

VIDEO LINK! The breast-slapping film: http://tinyurl.com/5upj6as

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Friday, September 23, 2011
Free Tattoo Removal - Jack Dukes of Fort Smith, Arkansas, thought a neighbor was ringing his apartment bell at 2:30 am. But it was actually two men who burst in and began beating him and demanding his prescription painkillers. But his beloved pet macaw Charlie started screaming, and one of the men grabbed the parrot. Bad mistake. Charlie sunk his beak, which can easily crack Brazil nuts, into the thug's arm. He removed a rather large chunk of flesh, and the robber screamed and yelled, "Let's get the hell out of here!" They both fled. Dukes says he's sure Charlie saved his life. Police are looking for the men. A local TV report incongruously added that Charlie likes to eat fried chicken and banana pudding.

* Although he's now developed a taste for blood...

* He went through that guy's arm like it was banana pudding.

* If he eats fried chicken, they should've known he had cannibalistic tendencies.

* That robber could really use some prescription painkillers now.

* When you try to steal a macaw, you don't just leave behind fingerprints, you leave behind fingers.

VIDEO LINK!  http://tinyurl.com/6zdd5pb   EXTRA VIDEO LINK! If you hear voices from the trees, blame irresponsible idiots who let pet parrots loose in the wild: http://tinyurl.com/3m4bmys

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Thursday, September 22, 2011
No Fur Anywhere - PETA has been so successful at convincing celebrities to pose discreetly nude for their "I'd rather go naked than wear fur" campaign that they now plan to go all the way and launch their own porn site. Feminists who thought the original ads were sexist condemned this idea as "Neanderthal." But PETA's spokesman said the models all choose to participate. And the site will also have undercover animal mistreatment videos, links to vegan recipes and other animal-friendly aspects. He said PETA hopes people who come to the site for the graphic porn will look a little deeper and be encouraged to change to a plant-based diet.

* Hey, I'm not putting that cucumber in MY mouth!

* They promise you'll see melons in an exciting new light.

* When people look deeper on a porn site, they're not looking for vegan recipes.

* They promise that this site will make you want to beat meat.

* It's the only porn site where the models have all been spayed or neutered.

* Some of the photos give a whole new meaning to the phrase, "animal lover."

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Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Wait, Isn't That FEWER People Than Backed Her In 2008? - According to a new Bloomberg poll, the most popular politician in America today is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, with an approval rating of 64 percent. Also, 34 percent believe America would be better off if Hillary were President instead of Obama, even though her own party rejected her for Obama just three years ago.

* But then, at the time, only 34 percent of them thought that we'd be better off with Hillary as President instead of Obama.

* They wish they had Hillary instead of a liberal from Chicago who wears mom jeans and wants to socialize health care.

* For some reason, Democrats always opt for someone sexier, then come crawling back to Hillary.

* Democrats approve of the job Hillary is doing, and Republicans approve of the fact that they haven't heard her name in the news since she was appointed.

* Then again, being the most popular politician in America today is like being the most popular herpes sufferer in the kissing booth.

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Tuesday, September 20, 2011
AKA "Led Zeppelin Junior" - St. Louis Today reports that when 64-year-old George Blackburn of Bethalto, Missouri, got divorced for the third time, he wanted a fresh start. So he legally changed his name to Led Zeppelin II. He said, "I don't want to appear to be some off-the-wall, drug-addict idiot," but the band's music changed his life, so he changed his name to help him be a better person. Result: he says his life has improved a thousand fold. He says when fellow Led Zeppelin music fans learn his name, they admire him for having the guts to do it and buy him drinks and dinner. He says even his ex-wife is supportive, and calls him Zep or L.Z.

* Actually, she's calling him "La-zy."

* They got divorced because he was always dazed and confused, and he'd ramble on until they had a communication breakdown.

* It's like he bought a stairway to Heaven.

* Fans buy him so many meals, he's starting to resemble a zeppelin.

* If you don't want to appear to be some off-the-wall drug addict idiot, changing your named to Led Zeppelin II probably shouldn't be your first move.

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Monday, September 19, 2011
Shouldn't Have Picked "Positively 4th Street" - Serenading your sweetheart sounds like a romantic notion, but it didn't work out too well for a 50-year-old man in Gothenburg, Sweden. He took his guitar and five backup vocalists to her home, stood under balcony at 11 p.m., and strummed and sang a Bob Dylan song. Unfortunately, she had a restraining order against him and called the police. He was charged with harassment and making illegal threats against her new boyfriend. It was not reported which Bob Dylan song he sang to her.

* But she insisted to police that she was NOT such an idiot that it's a wonder that she still knows how to breathe.

* He was charged with threatening to sing like Bob Dylan.

* His singing turned out to be just so much blowin' in the wind.

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Friday, September 16, 2011
Puppy Love - Jessica Simpson's security team has long kept tabs on an alleged obsessed fan named Marce William Burchell. He sent puppies to her home when her dog went missing, challenged her fiance to a marathon for the right to marry her, and called and texted until she had to change her phone number. Now, he's giving his side of the story in a 30-page self-published book called "The True Story of Jessica Ann Simpson's 22-month-long attempt to seduce a married man - her very Active Super Secret Sex life: True Story Jessica Simpson Seduction of A Married Man (Volume 1)." It's $29.95 on Amazon. He says it wasn't written to hurt her to help him heal emotionally from the "severe trauma and pain she put me through by her heartless cruel treatment of me."

* Want to hear the scariest part? This is only volume one.

* It's 30 pages long, and that's just the title.

* Jessica refused to read it...but only because it's 29 pages too long.

* I'm shocked by this story! Jessica Simpson inspired someone to create a piece of LITERATURE?!

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Thursday, September 15, 2011
Better Dialogue Than "Avatar" - Two Cornell University researchers created the first conversation between two robots. They rigged up a system that allowed two chatbots to talk to each other. Chatbots emulate the conversational abilities of humans, based on the theory that a robot could be considered intelligent if it could converse well enough that a human wouldn't realize he was talking to a robot. The two robots, via male and female Internet avatars, started off well, but the conversation quickly degenerated into lies, insults and inane bickering. The male avatar claimed he was a unicorn, called the female a "meanie," and criticized her for being mistaken, sniping, "Which is odd, since memory shouldn't be a problem for you." The female avatar claimed she wasn't a robot, got pedantic about word usage, then curtly said, "Au revoir," and shut off.

* What a meanie!

* Wow! She must've been programmed by my ex-wife!

* They really are just like two humans on a blind date!

* The only other time two robots had a conversation was when Mitt Romney and Rick Perry met in the GOP debate, and that ended about the same way.

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Wednesday, September 14, 2011
How Did The Bureaucrats Lose Their Minds? - Fredrick Jansson of Skelleftea, Sweden, lost his leg to cancer over 10 years ago. But in order to keep his disabled parking permit, the local government forced him to prove every three years that he still has trouble walking. Officials say it's necessary due to a lack of disabled parking spaces. But Jansson said, "It defies all common sense. I go down to Umea once every three years and have a doctor establish my leg is still gone. It's not like my leg is going to grow back."

* Why so pessimistic?

* If legs grew back, one frog would last a Cajun a lifetime.

* "My leg is still gone!" What a limp excuse!

* What is the government thinking? He's stumped.

* Still, if he wants to keep the permit, he'd better hop to it.

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Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Those Wild, Crazy Canadians! - The Bear 100.3 FM in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, is holding a contest to win a wife from Russia. The winner gets airfare, $500 and 13 nights' accommodations in Russia to meet and choose from an array of "hot foreign chicks." To those who say it undermines the sanctity of marriage, the station says it's no worse than reality shows like "The Bachelor," and it's arranged through a "serious and renowned" mail-order bride company called "Volga Girl."

* And trust me, you couldn't find girls more Volga than this anywhere.

* Gay listeners can also enter to win a prize from a company called "Volga Boatmen."

* I'm sure there are quite a few Canadian radio DJs who can vouch for this service.

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Monday, September 12, 2011
The Obamacare Of Money - A 2005 law requires US reserve banks to keep ordering one-dollar coins, but virtually no Americans want them. They're too easy to confuse with quarters, and Americans are just used to paper dollars and refuse to take the coins. So bank vaults nationwide are filling up with them. The Federal Reserve Bank in Baltimore says they have only a small portion of them, and they are literally running out of storage room. By 2016, reserve banks will be expected to have $2 billion worth of dollar coins, and they say they have to start hunting for other federal facilities that have more space.

* How about putting them in the Social Security lockbox? I hear that's just about empty.

* Bankers will soon be forced to take them home and pile them up on top of their dressers.

* Obama could create jobs by hiring unemployed people to build giant, pig-shaped vaults to hold them all.

* The good news is that by 2016, they'll actually be worth a quarter, so problem solved!

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Friday, September 9, 2011
But I Drove All Night! - Celine Dion was the victim of a burglary this week when a 36-year-old man allegedly stole the keys from her husband's car and used them to break into their Montreal mansion. He tripped the alarm, and police arrived to find that he'd helped himself to some pastries from the fridge and was drawing himself a nice, warm bath. Police say when they arrived, he was coming down Dion's big staircase and asking, "Hey, guys, what are you doing here?" They arrested him on the spot.

* Oh come on! Do you really think Celine Dion would've eaten those pastries?!

* He was charged with exceeding the gay limit.

* The cops knew something was wrong at Celine Dion's place when they didn’t hear tortured howling coming from it.

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Thursday, September 8, 2011
This Will Make You Vomit - A doctor in Osterbro, Denmark, who specializes in eating disorders is charged with sexual abuse of patients. He claims that making at least five women anorexics strip naked and play with sex toys while he photographed them was an "alternative treatment," designed to make them feel more accepting of how they looked naked. He said, "That's why I took a number of photographs of genitalia, to get them adjusted to seeing them." Police found more than 600 other nude photos on his PC, but he claimed they must've been put there by a virus or were left over from when he salvaged the computer off the street.

* If he's pulling computers out of Dumpsters, he can't be too afraid of contracting a virus.

* Anorexics hate being photographed... The camera adds 10 pounds.

* These women hate seeing their genitalia because they think their genitalia looks fat.

* He's not treating those anorexic women; he obviously just wants to jump their bones.

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Wednesday, September  7, 2011
* The Labor Department reported that there were no jobs at all created last month...Unless you count all the unemployed people who've had to become Hillbilly Hand-fishers...On the plus side, there might be a job opening at the White House next year...But things must be getting better this month because Chaz Bono actually got a job as a dancer!

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Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Why The Moon Is Pizza-Faced - Pizza Hut delivered Pizza to the space station in 2001, and now, Domino's Japanese branch hopes to one-up that by opening the first Domino's outlet on the moon. They don't know how long it will take for humans to colonize the moon, but they hope to be the first pizza place there when they do. The plan is to build a dome-shaped concrete Domino's on the lunar surface. They estimate it will cost over $20 billion and take 15 rocket trips to transport the construction materials and pizza making equipment. They hope to use local resources, like moon minerals for the concrete. They say workers will have to live at the store. And yes, they do plan to offer delivery.

* They'll make the Kessel run in 30 parsecs or less, or your pizza is free!

* Now the moon really will hit your eye like a big pizza pie!

* They plan to use local resources, like on their new "Green Cheese and Pepperoni" pizza.

* They may be the first pizza place on the moon, but I'll bet there's already a Starbucks there.

* Pizza on the moon is far in the future...Right now, we can't even get toilet paper to the space station.

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Friday, September 2, 2011
"For Body" - University of Manchester researchers discovered that ancient Egyptians used hair gel. Microscopic studies of hair samples from mummies revealed that they had been treated with a substance made from plant and animal fatty acids. They believe that personal appearance was so important to the ancient Egyptians that they used styling gel on dead bodies so they could retain the hairstyles they wore in life.

* Imagine any civilization being superstitious enough to care about that!

* That's why people stood in line to see the boy king.

* They even had a company that marketed hair gel, but it was a pyramid scheme.

* If they wanted a hairstyle to hold for all eternity, they should've invented Aquanet.

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Thursday, September 1, 2011
Jews Have Tattoos? - Following the lead of Rembrandt, who gave Jesus a new look in the 1600s, Versailles, Kentucky, artist Stephen Sawyer is trying to give Jesus a more macho image. Sawyer says Jesus preferred the outdoors, and He couldn't have overturned the money-lenders' tables if he were a wimp. So using a muscular surfer as a model, he paints portraits of Jesus that masculine Christians can relate to. Sawyer depicts Jesus as muscular and tattooed, and as a boxer and a biker.

* First He kicks your ass, and then He heals it.

* He now says, "Blessed are the Harley makers."

* Jesus was a carpenter, so he made Him look like one of those hot remodeler dudes on HGTV.

* His Jesus turned the water into Boilermakers.

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Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Rage Against Reality - In a triumph for feminism, a woman just won the 16th Air Guitar World Championships in Finland. Each contestant had to "perform" twice; once to a song of his or her choosing, then again to Rage Against The Machine's song, "Without A Face." American champion Justin "Nordic Thunder" Howard said, "My strength is that I have absolutely no shame." But that wasn't enough to win: he came in second to Aline "The Devil's Niece" Westphal of Germany. No musical talent or actual guitar-playing ability is required, but the winner receives a hand-crafted electric guitar.

* Why, nobody knows.

* ...An invisible, weightless, hand-crafted electric guitar.

* All the others got the same consolation prize: lifetime room and board in their parents' basement.

* Justin's secret weapon didn't help because, really, none of them have any shame.

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Tuesday, August 30, 2011
But I Want To Walk Over Them! – The organization that assigns sidewalk stars to celebrities on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was asked if they give stars to reality show characters like The Situation, and they replied, "Hell to the No!" They explained that celebrities who've appeared on reality shows, like Gene Simmons, can have stars, but not people known only for reality shows, like Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian or Kate Gosselin. They can get a star only if they later do something else noteworthy, like if Snooki wins an Emmy.

* In other words, they will never get a star.

* Don't give up hope; maybe the Emmys will add an award for "Best Sex Tape."

* They thought about letting Kim Kardashian leave her butt print in cement, but someone might drown in it after a rainstorm.

* If they can't have stars, at least let them put their feet in cement...then throw them into the East River.

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Monday, August 29, 2011
Consider It A Very Thorough Circumcision - A jury in Shelbyville, Kentucky, rejected a truck driver's $16 million lawsuit against his surgeon for amputating part of his penis without permission. The doctor was performing a circumcision operation when he spotted what he thought was potentially deadly cancer and made the cuts. The patient claimed it wasn't an emergency, and he should've been consulted after he woke up. But a majority of jurors sided against him. It was a six-man, six-woman jury.

* And they flipped a coin to break the tie.

* They gave him a fair hearing, but somehow, he just came up a little short.

* The surgeon figured that if he'd asked the guy to choose between his penis or his life, they would've been there all day.

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Friday, August 26, 2011
A Steaming Load Of Bull - Early yesterday morning, some metal canisters fell off a Greyhound bus as it entered Interstate 65 near downtown Nashville. There were reports of steam and an unpleasant odor coming from the canisters. So firefighters shut down the ramp and called HAZMAT crews, which cleared the area and traced the bus. The leaking canisters turned out to contain straws full of bull semen preserved in liquid nitrogen. The bus driver said he didn't know that he'd lost his load.

* Well, technically, it was the bulls that did that.

* Anyway, thank God and Greyhound it's gone.

* I knew it...If you let people put people bull testicles on pickup trucks, this is the next logical step.

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Thursday, August 25, 2011
Cheeseburger In Anti-Paradise - Over the weekend, Akron, Ohio, hosted one of America's premiere culinary events: the National Hamburger Festival. A spokesman said, "This festival is America," reaching "all demographics of everybody, just like the hamburger." The events included bobbing for burgers in a kiddie pool filled with ketchup; a Jimmy Buffett cover band; the debut of a new taste sensation, the deep-fried cheeseburger; and a beauty contest.

* The winner was the girl with the best buns.

* The talent portion was a deep-fried cheeseburger-eating contest, so you did not want to see the swimsuit competition.

* Deep-frying the cheeseburger helps kill off all the unhealthy nutrients in the lettuce and tomato.

* The least popular event: bobbing for cheeseburgers in the deep fryer.



Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Liquored Up And Lawyered Up - Frank Stephenson, the former director of research communications at Florida State University, is suing the college for $75,000. The school fired him over complaints that he was allegedly abusive toward employees. But he claims he was fired because of his handicap: he's a drunk. He's demanding damages for wrongful termination, emotional distress and damage to his reputation. He says the university should have made "reasonable accommodations" for his handicap of alcoholism.

* Like not expecting any of his communications to be coherent after 10 a.m.

* If they can install grab bars in the toilets, then they should've installed a wet bar in his classroom.

* Obviously, his lawyer is drunk, too.

* Plus, this is Florida State. EVERYBODY'S drunk!

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Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The Law Is An Ass! A Flabby Ass! - 61-year-old Roy Lester of Long Beach, New York is suing the state for wrongful dismissal from his job as a lifeguard. The suit was dismissed once, but just got reinstated. In 2007, he showed up for his annual 100-yard swim test wearing bike shorts. State regulations say lifeguards have to wear "boxers, briefs or board shorts" during the test. Lester says he was ordered to change into a skimpy Speedo and was fired when he refused to do it. Lester says he wore a Speedo in his 20s, "but come on. There should be a law prohibiting anyone over the age of 50 from wearing a Speedo."

* They're right, he shouldn't be a lifeguard...He should be the Governor.

* He has a point...although he probably shouldn't be wearing bike shorts, either.

* He'll win because even though Justice is blind, it's still disgusted by a 61-year-old guy in a Speedo.

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Monday, August 22, 2011
Veiled Threat - There's a new fad in China that goes against that culture's famous conservatism. Trendy young couples are posing for nude wedding photos. Usually, they're for the groom's eyes only, and the brides use a little lace or a bouquet to preserve their modesty. But recently, an unidentified bride posed for full frontal photos in Shanghai's Zhoupu Park in nothing but a bridal veil, and they somehow leaked onto the Internet. Now, they're burning up the Chinese media. One newspaper offered $1500 if the bride will come forward to talk about it. Meanwhile, police are studying the photos closely to try to identify the bride and photographer and charge them with outraging public decency.

* They're studying them very closely...Very, very, very, very closely.

* The groom is also watching closely, to see if any other guys come forward and identify her.

*  They're questioning several men named Wang, because she looks like a girl who's been around quite a few Wangs in her time.

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Friday, August 19, 2011
Acting!! - Actress Leslie Mann has set off outrage on the Internet by claiming that her topless scenes in the movie "The Change Up" don't show her real breasts. She claims that the bodacious boobs she displays in the movie are actually the perfectly realistic-looking result of modern CGI special effects. The webmaster of one celebrity nudity site called it criminal and "an abomination," comparing it to painting a hat on the Mona Lisa.

* Or more like painting bigger boobs on her, except that would be a good idea.

* I should've suspected this when her boobs suddenly transformed into car headlights.

* This is so dishonest! When I pay to see a movie, I expect to see the actress's real fake breasts!

* As part of the movie's plot, she magically switches boobs with Salma Hayek.

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Thursday, August 18, 2011
Tonto Bummed - Disney has shut down production on a new version of "The Lone Ranger" with Johnny Depp as Tonto, directed by "Pirates of the Caribbean" director, Gore Verbinski. The budget estimate has soared to $250 million. As to how anyone could spend that much on a Western, this "Lone Ranger" script reportedly features massive sets and supernatural elements, including werewolves.

* REAL werewolves!...And their agent is a vampire.

* Plus, for some reason, a whole lot of gay pirates.

* Also, the price of silver bullets has really gone through the roof.

* Whoever wrote this script should have to wear a mask in public.

* For that much money, they'd have to talk to the Loan Arranger.

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Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Shocked Monkeys Prefer Peter Gabriel - The New York Daily News reports that engineering students at Cooper Union were studying the movements of cockroaches by hooking them up to electrodes and shocking them. But the roaches got used to that and stopped moving. So they tried using music to get them to move. Roaches had no response to Weezer or heavy metal, but when they played Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance," the roaches responded immediately and never stopped flapping.

* They were trying to escape.

* This would explain why Lady Gaga concerts draw so many vermin.

* The roaches were impossible to shock, but Lady Gaga did it...I have a feeling she'd be proud to hear that.

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Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Do This To More Writers' Computers - Last Thursday in Beverly Hills, an aspiring screenwriter gave a perfect example of how not to break into show business. Police say that he was so desperate to get someone to look at his screenplay, he visited an agent's office and left behind a briefcase that he said contained a computer with his script on it and asked that it be delivered to a certain agent. The agent said the guy had been pestering him and he didn't want it. So a security guard took it into the alley and called the police. The bomb squad sealed off the block and evacuated dozens of people from Rodeo Drive businesses. Then they blew up the briefcase, which turned out to contain nothing but the writer's computer. He was detained for questioning.

* On the bright side, he finally has a good plot for a screenplay.

*  At least he finally has official confirmation that his script was not a bomb.

* This is terrible! Why couldn't it have the computer of the guy who wrote that "Smurfs" movie?!

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Monday, August 15, 2011
I Bet It Works - As part of a sponsorship deal with the betting company Betfair, the hot British women's Olympic beach volleyball duo, Shauna Mullin and Zara Dampney, will be encouraging fans to photograph their butts. They will have a Quick Response bar code on the backs of their teeny bikini bottoms. When photographed by a smart phone, it automatically takes users to Betfair's website. A spokesman said they believe there's no better way to test QR codes' effectiveness "than by putting them on one of the places that is likely to get photographed the most."

* The problem is, with the bikinis they wear, is there room for a bar code?

*  For men's volleyball, they'll just put the bar code on their balls.

* They're also offering $10 million for ad space on Pippa Middleton's butt.

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Friday, August 12, 2011
He Likes Crumb-Gobblers - Over the weekend at a county fair in Davenport, Iowa, a man dressed as "Sesame Street's" Cookie Monster was passing out fliers for a cartoon character service and posing for photos with kids. But he made the mistake of saying "Hello" to a cop, who happened to recognize his voice as James Lester Rogers, a registered sex offender. He was taken to an office and interviewed by a detective who keeps track of local sex offenders, and who said, "There he was, dressed like Cookie Monster. Sounds weird." He was jailed on an aggravated misdemeanor charge. The detective said Rogers isn't allowed at the fairgrounds at all, much less to pose with kids as Cookie Monster.

* But he was so good at it, because he really is a monster!

* You know you're scum when you're not even allowed to hobnob with carnies.

* Maybe he's reformed and all he really loves now is COOKIES!!

* When he gets near a Girl Scout's cookies, he can't control himself.

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Thursday, August 11, 2011
The Music Of The Nightmares - The New York Post reports that the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical "Phantom of the Opera" will play its 10,000th performance next year, but 86-year-old usher Sylvia Bailey has already seen it 9,000 times. Bailey has watched "Phantom" from a chair in the back five nights a week since it opened. Amazingly, she still likes it and isn't sick of it. She says she loves the song "Say You'll Share With Me One Love, One Lifetime," and that it "sticks in my brain. When I lug my bag onto the bus, I'll be humming that song."

* She'll still be humming it hours later, when she takes five or six sleeping pills to make it go away.

* The other bus passengers are so sick of it, they'd like to drop a chandelier on her.

* When you're 86, you must be glad when anything sticks in your brain.

* She's lucky; if she'd been an usher at "Cats," she'd probably have killed herself by now.

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Wednesday, August 10, 2011
The Hun Will Smell You Coming - The US Army has made a licensing deal with Parfumologie to market a new fragrance called "Patton," after the notoriously foul-mouthed, eccentric World War II General, George S. Patton. It's a blend of lavender, citrus, coconut, cedar, sage and other scents and is described as a "backwoods, masculine scent."

* It's so masculine, it comes in hairy bottles (Old Kingston Trio joke!)

* It's a scent so masculine, it assaults you...Like a good, hard slap in the face!

* The slogan is "No SOB ever won a woman by smelling like a pansy!"

* Patton got away with being foul-mouthed and eccentric because he just smelled so good!

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Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Orange You Disgusted? - Authorities in Alaska are trying to identify a mysterious, orange-colored substance that's washed up on the shores of the remote village of Kivalina, putting an orange sheen all over the harbor. So far, all they've been able to determine is that it doesn't seem petroleum-based or manmade, and a woman who dipped her hand into it said she didn't smell anything odd.

* In fact, now she can't smell anything at all.

* Her hand mutated into a lobster claw, but no smell at all.

* So, how did it taste?

* Wow, that Sarah Palin really is fearless!

* They believe the cast of "Jersey Shore" might have gone swimming there and contaminated the bay with their fake tans.

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Monday, August 8, 2011
Except He Has A Handlebar Mustache - Police in Newport Beach, California, are searching for two men caught on video stealing 15 bicycles from an underground parking lot in recent months. Oddly enough, the younger one is described as an Ashton Kutcher lookalike, while the older bike thief looks just like KFC's Colonel Sanders.

* Stealing bicycles was on his bucket list.

* Apparently, Col. Sanders has sticky fingers.

* Col. Sanders or Ashton Kutcher? That's like "Original" or "Extra Dippy."

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Friday, August 5, 2011
Reality Bites – Here’s another bad economic indicator: the Tooth Fairy is hurting for money. A phone survey of 1,006 parents by Visa found that the average amount of money left under the pillow for a tooth has dropped in the past year from $3 to $2.60. Kids in the Eastern US took the biggest hit, with Tooth Fairy money there dropping from $3.40 to $2.10, a 38 percent decline. One mom said if you have multiple kids losing multiple teeth in a year, the recession can really take a bite out of the Tooth Fairy.

* But who needs teeth anyway when you can’t afford food?

* If she thinks that’s bad, wait till they’re older and need the Braces Fairy.

* The Tooth Fairy is praying that some rapper will lose a lot of gold teeth.

* The Eastern Tooth Fairy just lost a lot of money on Wall Street.

* Visa’s trying to convince the Tooth Fairy to start putting teeth on plastic.

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Thursday, August 4, 2011
It Was A Moving Violation: The Earth Moved - Monday in Biella, Italy, a court reaffirmed that having sex in a car is a felony in Italy. The case involved a couple caught by a cop naked, "one on top of the other," in a car in the public square. They asked for a lighter sentence of public indecency, but the court was unsympathetic and upheld the charge of sex in a car as a felony. They could get from three months to three years in prison.

* Three years?! Must've been a convertible.

* The good news: Sex in prison is legal.

* Their lawyer will argue that it is physically impossible to have sex in a Fiat.

* If Italians aren't having sex in their cars, then what's their excuse for driving the way they do?

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Wednesday, August 3, 2011
I Like This Theory! - A top professor at Oxford says that Facebook and Twitter are rewriting people's brains to create a generation of child-like adults who are so self-obsessed, they need constant positive feedback. Pharmacology Prof. Baroness Greenfield claims that repeated exposure to social networking can produce symptoms similar to an identity crisis, such as reduced concentration, inability to make eye contact and a need for instant gratification. She said all the appeals to people to "Like" and comment on everything you do are making adults behave like toddlers who demand attention by saying, "Look at me, Mummy, I've done this," even if it's just something as banal as eating breakfast.

* I draw the line when they ask me to praise the boom-boom they made after eating breakfast.

* If you agree with this theory, she'd appreciate any positive feedback.

* People who are heavily into social networking don't need to make eye contact because they're never in the same room with another live human.

* Facebook fans were so upset by her criticism, they created an official protest page and are asking all their Friends to "Like" it.

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Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Like Having Beer-Dar - AboveGround Applications of Fort Lauderdale, Florida, has developed the ultimate iPhone app. It's designed to help users find the nearest and cheapest beer, wherever they are. It's called NearBeer, and it lets you search for the closest places that sell beer by distance, brand, quantity or price. The app gets its data from user submissions.

* It's direct from the drunks, so you know it's reliable!

* My question: Is finding beer really that hard in Fort Lauderdale?

* Now they need an app that tells you whether the girl you're hitting on really is hot, or you're just drunk.

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Monday, August 1, 2011

A Footwear Retrospective - The flop of "Sex & The City 2" has apparently not killed the series, but the next movie might take a different tack to try to attract a younger audience. The buzz in Hollywood is that it will be a prequel based on Candace Bushnell's novels and feature the women in the '70s and '80s when they were teenagers. The hoped-for casting is Blake Lively as Samantha, Selena Gomez as Charlotte, Emma Roberts as Miranda and in Sarah Jessica Parker's role as Carrie Bradshaw, Elizabeth Olsen, younger sister of Mary-Kate and Ashley.

* Mary-Kate and Ashley are too old now.

* So the next movie will show the women in the '70s and '80s, instead of in their 70s and 80s.

* The working title is "Skank Babies."

* If they want to attract a younger audience, call it "Sexting And The City."

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Friday, July 29,  2011
The Republican Health Care Plan - A 63-year-old Glendale, California, man is in stable condition after he attempted to remove his own hernia with a butter knife. Police answered a call to his house to find him naked outside on a lounge chair with the handle of the knife protruding from his stomach. As they waited for paramedics, he pulled the knife out and stuck his cigarette into the hole. His wife said he was upset about the hernia and just wanted it out. A surgeon who repaired it said, "It is absolutely impossible for someone to fix their own hernia."

* At least with a butter knife...For that, you need a Swiss Army Knife with the special hernia blade.

* Nonsense! He's performed brain surgery on himself several times!

* Definitely not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

* If he's stable, this would be the first time.

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Thursday, July 28, 2011
40-Year-Old Grandfather, Eh? - Police in Fort Walton Beach, Florida, arrested 40-year-old Lon Allen Groves on a variety of serious charges after a brief standoff at his home. They say that Groves was drunk and had been arguing with his wife when he suddenly pushed her to the floor and held a 9mm pistol to her head. They'd been arguing over which granddaughter was her favorite.

* I'm guessing his favorite is the one who brings beer.

* Thus answering the question," "Why aren't the grandkids allowed to come over and play at Paw-paw's house?"

* He has a bumper sticker that reads, "If you value your life, DON'T ask me about my grandchildren!"

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Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Show Us Your Bulges! - Anthony Weiner aside, a survey of over 5,000 visitors to the cheaters' website AshleyMadison.com found that women are much more likely to sext naughty photos of themselves than men are. Two-thirds of women had sent naked or semi-nude photos of themselves over cell phones, compared to only half the men. The sample might seem skewed, but researcher Dr. Kholos Wysocki, a University of Nebraska women's studies professor, believes it hold true in the general population. She said, "I know young men who are constantly getting naked pictures from women they know on their phones. They're constant!"

* But the much more important question is: "Who ARE these women?!"  And how do I get them on my Friends & Family Plan?!

* It's kind of amazing, considering how critical women are of their own bodies.

* The photos women sext are also 10 times more likely to be Photoshopped.


* From now on, if I see a young man who can't put down his cell phone, I'll be a lot more understanding.

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Tuesday, July 26, 2011
The Two And Only - Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy for allegedly using a model, Melissa Molinaro, who looks too much like her in a series of ads. Kim's attorney released a statement reading, "Kim Kardashian is immediately recognizable and is known for her look and style. Her identity and persona are valuable. When her intellectual property rights are violated, she intends to enforce them."

* He had to release a written statement because he couldn't say "Kim Kardashian" and "intellectual" with a straight face.

* Old Navy hopes to get her to drop the lawsuit by convincing her it's unpatriotic to sue the Navy.

* Melissa has a much smaller butt than Kim, but heck, everyone does.

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Monday, July 25, 2011

A Meth To Their Madness - Police in Bloomingdale, Georgia, got a 911 call at 4 a.m. Tuesday from two men reporting a home invasion robbery. They rushed to the scene, and one of the men said they could hear the intruders in the back bedroom. He pointed at nothing and told the deputies that they were right there, climbing into a boat and getting away. The deputies say they looked around and realized the two had been manufacturing methamphetamines and were hallucinating. A spokesman said, "They were so high, they called 911 on themselves."

* They were hoping that the cops were an hallucination, too.

* On the plus side, that must've been their best batch of meth ever.

* Lesson: If you're on meth, avoid full-length mirrors.

* These guys could inspire a TV series called "Breaking Dumb."

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Friday, July 22, 2011
Stick With What You Know - Tahir Malik of Skokie, Illinois, was sentenced to two years in prison for impersonating a lawyer. Malik was already a convicted felon with a record including burglary, shoplifting and criminal trespass when he began posing as an attorney. Oddly enough, he handled more than 60 cases without training or a license, and nobody suspected a thing. The Sheriff said, "He did everything right - except obtain a law degree."

* Well, being a lying criminal is pretty good training for being a lawyer.

* He just specialized in burglary, shoplifting and criminal trespass cases.

* He told his clients that he had years of experience within the criminal justice system.

* He would've gotten a lot more prison time, but he acted as his own attorney.

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Thursday, July 21, 2011
It's A Bloodstained White T-Shirt - In Dacatur, Illinois, Billy Rutherford and his fiancee were waiting outside the courthouse to get married, she in a white gown and he in a red T-shirt, when he was arrested and the wedding was canceled. Back in March, the bride accused him of "beating on her all day," shoving her head into a kitchen cabinet and throwing her through a coffee table. They'd since made up and reconciled, but she forgot to lift the restraining order. So he was arrested for having contact with her on their would-be wedding day. They had planned to get married in court by a judge who'd represented them both in separate cases when he was an attorney.

* Something tells me they were his two best customers.

* She forgot to lift the restraining order? Boy, is she gonna get it now!

* The bride tends to forget things, what with all the concussions.

* If you'd like to send them a wedding gift, they could really use a new coffee table.

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Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Just Plenty Of Lubrication... - A new website called EyeHandy.com offers a new way to encourage men to do household chores. It offers instructional videos featuring scantily-clad women demonstrating how to do all sorts of do-it-yourself projects, from changing a tire to waxing a surfboard. There are 15 videos, and they plan to add a new one each week. In addition to the videos of handy women in lingerie, the site provides a list of all the tools needed to do what you see in the videos.

* And a list of stores that carry the lingerie.

* Could the girls in the videos demonstrate how to handle a tool?

* So far, it's just encouraged men to sit in front of the computer for hours on end.

* Men don't care about how to do it yourself; they want to know how to do her yourself.

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Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Bewitched, Bothered And Bewildered – Now that the final Harry Potter movie has opened, the Washington Times reports that many fans could be left feeling depressed and grief-stricken that something they've built so much of their lives around is finally at an end. Daryl Franzetti, a California-based university lecturer on the cultural anthropology of "Star Trek" fandom, said "Potter" junkies need to realize that it's not dead and they're not alone. Something that successful will have inevitable spin-offs, plus they can keep on getting together for conventions where they can dress up as "Potter" characters, make friends and debate "Potter" canon for the rest of their lives.

* The rest of their worthless, pathetic, empty lives.

* That is, if they ever actually get lives.

*  When he puts it that way, now, they're REALLY depressed!

* Isn't there just some kind of potion they could drink to end it all?

* Or they could move to California, where universities apparently pay losers to lecture students about their sad obsessions.

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Monday, July 18, 2011
Source Of Misinformation - As proof of how some people will slap the word "organic" on anything, a Welsh company is offering what they call "organic water." "Illanllyr SOURCE" organic water went on display at the Fancy Food Show in Washington. The sellers say that since the water comes from certified organic fields, it's organic as it comes out of the ground. The USDA says organic things have to be carbon-based lifeforms, like vegetables or meat, and water can't be organic because it's just hydrogen and oxygen.

* How about if they put a few strips of bacon in every bottle?

* Come on, "organic" isn't a scientific term. It's a marketing term! That's why the organic water comes in an organic plastic bottle!

* They could just stop calling it organic and start calling it "carbon-neutral."

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Friday, July 15, 2011
Flight Of The Worker Bee - Traveling sales consultant Tom Stuker of Bloomingdale, Illinois, has achieved George Clooney's goal in "Up In The Air" by logging 10 million frequent flier miles on United Airlines. Just like in the movie, he was served champagne, given a titanium mileage card and his name was painted on a plane. Stuker said he loves the peacefulness at 40,000 feet and does his best creative work writing training materials on planes. Since joining United's program in 1982, he's taken 5,962 flights. Three times, he's flown for five consecutive days, living entirely on airline meals.

* It's a miracle he didn't become a stand-up comedian.

* He now plans to cash in some of his miles to get a free stomach pump.

* He's also talked women into initiating him into the Mile High Club over 900 times.

* Tell the truth: he really just enjoys the strip searches, doesn't he?

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Thursday, July 14, 2011
Sleeping Again, You Lazy Little Pig?! - The British government has issued new guidelines to prevent childhood obesity that include a recommendation that babies as young as one year get at least three hours of exercise a day. Since they can't walk yet, it's suggested that parents take them swimming, let them push and pull objects, or roll around on the floor.

* Basically, Amy Winehouse's exercise routine.

* Of course, rolling them around on the floor is easier if they're already obese.

* Or if they were fathered by Arnold Schwarzenegger, they can pump iron.

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Wednesday, July 13, 2011
But What Was The Point Of The Last "Sex & The City" Movie? - University of Indiana biologists may have finally answered the age-old Darwinian question: "What is the point of sex?" They engineered two types of the same worm: one type reproduced by two genders mating; the other by cloning itself. They found that the offspring that combined two different DNA strands were more resistant to parasites and lived longer. So the point of sex could be to help ward off parasites. One researcher said, "The co-evolutionary struggle between hosts and their parasites could explain the existence of males."

* She must a female researcher.

* What about sex with males like Kevin Federline or Levi Johnston, who are themselves parasites?

* If sex exists to prevent parasites, why does it spread crabs?

* This would also explain why so many women have sex with guys who are worms.

* Also, sex helps prevent in-breeding, except among royals.

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Friday, July 1, 2011 
Potential Gas Attack - Monday in Walla Walla, Washington, a large, 2- or 3-gallon container labeled "beans" aroused suspicion when it turned up in the parking of a Department of Social and Health Services Building. Fearing it could be a bomb, workers called police, who evacuated the building and brought in the state bomb squad. The contents were too dense to be X-rayed clearly, so they used a "disrupter" to blast a hole in the side of the can. A lot of white beans spilled out of it.

* If only someone had spilled the beans sooner.

* Don't laugh: you don't realize how explosive three gallons of beans can be.

* Also, some pork came out, so Muslim extremists are not suspected.

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Thursday, June 30, 2011
San Francisco Has All The Bodybuilders - Men's Health magazine named Lexington, Kentucky, as the most sedentary city in the US, followed by Indianapolis and Jackson, Mississippi. It wasn't just Lexington's aversion to hitting the gym, but the low amounts of physical activity of any kind, like all the households that watched over 15 hours of cable TV a week and bought more than 11 video games a year. The town also has an unusually high death rate from deep vein thrombosis, or clots in the legs from inactivity. Incidentally, the most physically active cities were Seattle, San Francisco and Oakland.

* People in Oakland are always running. For their lives, but it's still running.

* The only things that run in Kentucky are racehorses...And even they have to be whipped.

* In Jackson, Mississippi, cream gravy is a beverage.

* Lexington residents are so furious, they'd call Men's Health and cancel their subscriptions, if anyone there subscribed to Men's Health. Besides, it would mean pressing all those exhausting phone buttons...

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Wednesday, June 29, 2011
You Must Be Jerking Me Around - As part of the 14th annual Beer and Wild Food Challenge in New Zealand, the Green Man Pub in Wellington is offering a drink called the Hoihoi tatea, an apple-infused horse semen drink. Health officials say it's not harmful, but it is expensive, since 20 vials of horse semen cost $300. Head chef Jason Varley admits tasting it and says it's “okay” and “like custard.” Varley says most men won't try it, but women seem to like it. Some joke that they're worried they'll have a baby with a long face. Still, the owner said there have been no repeat customers. He said, “No one's addicted to it, let's put it that way.”

* Well, some women claim they're addicted to it, but once they're in a relationship, they lose their taste for it.

* Men buy one for their dates, and if they'll swallow that, the men ask them for a second date.

* Some men claim they don't like it, then come back afterhours for a quick one.

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Tuesday, June 28, 2011
"I Love You, Woman!" - Despite what women say about men's fear of commitment, an MIT study proves them wrong. First, they interviewed students and passerby to ask whether they thought men or women say, "I love you," first in a relationship. 64 percent said women were most likely to say it first. Then they asked people which person actually said, "I love you," first in their own relationships. In up to 70 percent of cases, it was the man. And on average, men considered saying it 42 days before the woman first considered saying it.

* The man wanted to have sex 42 days before the woman did.

* Just because a man says, "I love you," that hardly means he's ready to commit.

* The woman was still considering whether someone better might come along.

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Monday, June 27, 2011
Chew On This - Swedish consumer groups are criticizing the makers of Vigo, a new chewing gum that comes in three varieties: Focus, Active and Beauty. They allegedly give the chewer better concentration, more stamina or better looks. A consumer advocate called it "the most stupid product that has ever hit the shelves," and said he can't imagine what ingredients in a chewing gum could make you more attractive.

* I don't know, but I wouldn't kick those Double-Mint Twins out of bed.

* They don't offer a gum that raises your IQ because that would be very bad for business.

* They swear their Focus gum does make you smarter...You just look dumber because you're chewing gum.

* If chewing gum could actually alter your body and personality, I'd stay away from Juicy Fruit.

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Friday, June 24, 2011
Next: Obese Kids On Twinkie Wrappers - The FDA introduced a series of grisly, graphic health warnings that will have to start appearing on cigarette packs by September, 2012. Since teenagers ignored the written warnings, the government will try to scare them with cigarette packs that carry such gruesome photos as a nasty set of teeth with blotchy lips, a baby in intensive care, and a shirtless, yellow-skinned man with a row of staples embedded in his chest.

* Every teenager in America will say, "Cool!" * Are those packs of cigarettes or the cover of a Marilyn Manson CD?

* Do they realize that the things today's teenagers love most are vampires, zombies and body piercings?

* Well, they have a point: babies shouldn't smoke.

* This wouldn't be necessary if teenagers could read.

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Thursday, June 23, 2011
Beauty Is Skin Deep, So Let's Skin Him - The dating website for hotties, BeautifulPeople.com, was struck with what's been dubbed a "Shrek" virus last month and allowed 30,000 people to join who were not up to the site's high standards for attractiveness. As director Greg Hodge put it, many of the new members "were no oil painting." Web masters have since contacted the "unfortunate" new members to tell them they're being dumped. Hodge expressed "sincere regret," and said "it must be a bitter pill to swallow, but better to have had a slice of heaven than never to have tasted it at all."

* What an ugly thing to say.

* It must be devastating to know that you have no chance of dating guys like him.

* Some were oil paintings, only by Picasso...Both eyes were on the same side of their heads.

* Allow me to point out that they might look good, but they're the ones with a virus.

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Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Waffle House Blue Plate Special - Researchers in Japan claim they've come up with a way to make a synthetic meat substitute from human feces. It involves extracting the basic elements of food - protein, carbohydrates and fats - from sewage and recombining them. Theoretically, it would be no more disgusting than eating plants fertilized with manure, but the very idea is enough to gross people out. Kansas State University food safety Prof. Douglas Powell said, "In the food safety world, we say, 'Don't eat poop. But if you're going to, make sure it's cooked." And if it weren't cooked, Powell said, "I wouldn't touch it."

* Just hearing about it, I may never eat meatloaf again.

* They plan to call it "Soylent Brown."

* It might be edible, but it tastes like crap.

* The difference is that with plants, they wash off the manure.

* One side effect: it goes through you like poop through a goose.

* They got the idea when they tasted Michelob Ultra and thought it was recycled from pony pee.

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Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Too Many Schweddy Balls - A survey of 2,000 British men by the weight loss company Lighter Life For Men found that many are in terrible shape, but not interested in doing anything about it. 30 percent drink at least three times a week, 21 percent pay no attention to what they eat, and one in 10 never exercise. But 52 percent said they'd only lose weight if their doctors ordered them to, 36 percent would only do it if they grew man boobs, and 35 percent wouldn't lose weight unless they were unable to have sex for an extended period of time. And that could happen: 43 percent of the men said they were so fat, they hadn't seen their own penises without using a mirror in the past two years. 16 percent couldn't remember the last time they'd seen their own penis.

* Or that their wives had seen it.

* You mean they haven't stored any photos of it on the Internet?

* 10 percent can't even find it in all the folds of fat.

* The real mystery: How does "Lighter Life For Men" stay in business?

* Judging from this, I'm surprised it isn't British women who are drinking at least three times a week.

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Monday, June 20, 2011
Keeping Up With The Royal Wedding - Kim Kardashian and New Jersey Net Kris Humphries have registered for wedding gifts at the posh Beverly Hills boutique, Gearys. If you'd like to send them a gift, they need an $8,000 crystal vase, a $925 water pitcher, an $840 ashtray, and 18 Hermes dinner plates that cost $670 each. If you're on a budget, the napkins they picked are just $12.50 apiece, but each one also needs a $150 napkin ring.

* Even Prince William and Kate found the same ones for $135 at Target.

* You'd think someone who stars on a reality show would be more in touch with reality.

* Kim Kardashian could've gotten a lot of money to register at K-Mart.

* The most expensive item of all: a butt-warmer in Kim's size.

* The $840 ashtray is to toss hundred-dollar bills into as they burn them.

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Friday, June 17, 2011
"Next Fall On TLC!" - A 62-year-old Plainfield, Illinois, woman was found not guilty of battery in a fight with her sister over the thermostat. They share a house, and one felt a little warm, while the other was a little chilly. They kept bumping the thermostat up and down between 67 and 68 degrees until it turned into an argument, then punches flew that left the other sister with a black eye. But the judge let her go because he couldn't tell which one started it, and they've apparently reached a truce over the thermostat.

* It's now on 67-and-a-half degrees...So they're both equally uncomfortable.

* Kardashian sisters: this is your future!

* Their 75 cats actually prefer it a little warmer.

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Thursday, June 16, 2011
Men's Health: An Oxymoron - A nationwide survey of men by Men's Health Network found that many wait six months to a year after experiencing medical symptoms to see a doctor. An MHN spokesman called it "big boys don't cry" syndrome. He says males are taught from their first skinned knee at age five to "tough it out." In fact, the poll found that 70 percent of men say they find it easier to care for their cars than for their own bodies.

* Well, they do make sure that both their cars and their bodies carry a spare tire.

* That's because their cars are much more likely to impress women.

* By the time you're 40, your body is out of warranty, so you might as well just junk it.

* Men experience skinned knees again when they crawl into the emergency room.

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Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Artful Dodgers - A New York state appellate court has ruled that lapdancing is not tax-exempt. The case involves an "adult juice bar" in Latham called Nite Moves that was billed nearly $125,000 in unpaid sales tax, but they argued that their dances fall under the category of "dramatic or musical arts performances," which are tax-exempt. They even brought in a cultural anthropologist who researched exotic dance and visited the club, and she testified that the dances were "unequivocally live dramatic choreographed performances." But the five-judge panel ruled that lap dancing doesn't rise to the level of art and the club is not an arts venue, it's a taxable "place of amusement."

* Rule of thumb: if you're paid with a check from a foundation, it's art; if you're paid with singles tucked into your G-string, it's amusement.

* The judges decided that it couldn't be art because it was much too interesting.

* The cultural anthropologist came to her conclusions after watching Britney Spears videos.

* Now they'll have to dance naked because they just lost their shirts.

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Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Or So He Says - A video depicting a young Dutch girl getting pictures of her 152 Facebook friends tattooed on her arms is a hoax. It sparked outrage after CNN.com picked it up. But the tattoo artist in Rotterdam claims it was just a publicity stunt for his tattoo parlor. He said the Facebook friends tattoo was only temporary and will disappear in a couple of days.

* Just like your actual Facebook friends.

* No, wait, that's a mistranslation...He meant a couple of “decades.”

* It could be worse...Imagine if you'd tattooed your MySpace fans on your body!

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Monday, June 13, 2011
It Gives You A Buzz - Cicadas are noisy, annoying insects that emerge in swarms about every 13 years, but Sparky's Homemade Ice Cream in Columbia, Missouri, found a way to get rid of some of them. They were offering cicada-flavored ice cream made with actual cooked cicadas. But the health department said that while the food code doesn't directly address cicada ice cream, they "advised against it." The shop had already sold out the first batch, and they canceled plans to make a second. But they posted a sign promising that it would return when the cicadas return in 2024.

* Mark your calendars!

* Until then, if you want a summer treat that's full of bug parts, have a hot dog.

* It kind of makes you wonder what the chunks in "Chunky Monkey" ice cream really are.

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Friday, June 10, 2011
Rent My Box - The Swiss are so well organized, they've found a way to tidy up dirty sex. Prostitution is legal in Zurich, but officials don't like women soliciting all over. So they've proposed restricting prostitution to three parts of town and installing booths where hookers could welcome clients discretely out of site of passersby. The booths will be built to accommodate six sex workers and their customers. They've been dubbed "sex boxes."

* Great, they've managed to make illicit sex as much fun as working in a cubicle.

* So if you're fat or claustrophobic, no sex for you!

* For $10 extra, the hooker will pretend to be a flight attendant who's doing it in an airline bathroom.

* They would ban prostitution, but they don't want horny tourists molesting the Swiss cheese.

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Thursday, June 9, 2011
Paris Hilton Explained - Police in Enfield, Connecticut, got a call from a resident alarmed after seeing about 15 models in bikinis and zombie makeup. They explained that they were posing for a "zombie bikini" calendar, but they voluntarily moved to another street to soothe the alarmed neighbor.

* The neighbor shouldn't be frightened of zombies...It's his other male neighbors who plan to kill him.

* The caller had to be a woman. A man would've just thought, "Wow! Flesh-eating zombies are HOT!"

* You don't have to worry about zombie models eating your brain. They're always on a diet.

* So this will show cadaverous, brain-dead women in bikinis? How is that different from any other fashion model calendar?

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Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Employees at Frontier Airlines in Milwaukee called a hazmat team after a flight attendant found a white powder on the diaper-changing table in a plane's bathroom. It was determined to be baby powder...Ironically, the only thing found on a diaper-changing table that doesn't require a hazmat team... The only terror the passengers suffered was being stuck on an airplane with a baby.

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Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Hey, Leave Some Beer For The Kids! - 33-year-old Tina Gonzales of East Naples, Florida, is facing charges involving burglary, assault and disorderly intoxication after several hours of drinking hard liquor and beer at her young son's birthday party. A neighbor says that Gonzales entered her neighbor's apartment without permission, refused repeated orders to leave, then threw a piece of her son's birthday cake at the neighbor's head, punched her, pinned her to the ground and bit her on the arm, leaving large bite marks. As evidence, deputies noted that the teeth marks and gaps match Gonzales' teeth, while others who were present "either had no teeth at all, or only a few."

* And they weren't talking about the children.

* Just out of curiosity, did they also search this building for meth labs?

* In her defense, who among us can get through an entire children's birthday party complete sober?

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Monday, June 6, 2011
Gross Misrepresentation - The Chinese media company Chaoxian.com.cn released the results of a North Korean survey listing the “Happiness Index” or “Gross National Happiness” of every nation. Surprisingly, North Korea wasn't number one. According to this survey, the happiest place on Earth was China. North Korea came in second, followed by Cuba, Iran and Venezuela. South Korea came in at #152, and America at #203.

* Out of 203.

* It was a survey of Kim Jong-Il's family.

* So Disneyland would only be the happiest place on Earth if everyone were forced to work in the mines like the Seven Dwarfs.

* In North Korea, all it takes is a handful of rice to make people deliriously happy!

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Friday, June 3, 2011
Norwegian Wood - A Norwegian organization is using pornography to save the planet. The group "F--- For Forest" or "FFF" has about 1300 members worldwide. They take photos and videos of themselves having sex, usually outdoors, and sell them on the Internet with the proceeds going to save the trees. They say that since 2000, they've raised $345,000. They say, "Saving the planet is sexy, so why not get turned on for a good cause?" But some groups refuse their money, like the World Wildlife Fund. A spokesperson said, "We are in favor of love and nature, but not this version."

* They also believe in population control.

* It's just a little too natural...especially when they do it with coyotes.

* There's nothing they love more than the inspiring sight of morning wood.

* Charlie Sheen could rehabilitate his image by saving the entire Brazilian rain forest.

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Thursday, June 2, 2011
Plus As A Dinner Date, She Wouldn't Eat Much - If you're a woman who's lost weight, don't brag to other women about it. University of Liverpool researchers showed test subjects a photo of a slim young woman with a short bio. When women were told she used to be overweight, then asked to judge her personality, they ranked her lower in friendliness, self-discipline and personal hygiene. Researchers said it could be that because women compete with each other in looks and slimness, they hunt for reasons to dislike other women, and knowing she was once overweight gives them one. But when men were told she used to be overweight, they liked her more. They thought it meant she had flaws and didn't think she was perfect, so she might be more friendly and approachable, and they'd have a shot at dating her.

* In other words, they thought she might have really low self-esteem.

* Well, maybe at one time she'd date them...Not so much anymore.

* She's probably free...It's not like she gets invited to “Girls' Night Out.”

* Maybe the women were just ticked at her for doing what they couldn't.

* So if you talk about your diet with your girlfriends and try to hide your weight problem from men, you're doing it all backwards!

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Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Tiger Woods-Approved! - China's Golf Association is making some changes to women's golf, but they're proving controversial. CGA VP Wang Liwei said, "Women's golf is not all about competition. It's also about fresh air, beautiful scenes and the young and dynamic girls." To stress this, players are being asked to wear brightly colored shirts and skirts, participate in a beauty contest, and pose in bikinis by a pool to promote a tournament. Some call it sexist, but Wang said women's golf badly needs a bigger audience, and the shy players need to show a beautiful, confident side to the media. He added, "Even the US LPGA is making moves to make women's golf more charming and eye-catching."

* Like a wet Indigo Girls T-shirt contest.

* They're trying to find some really comfortable stiletto shoes for them to wear.

* To stress the fresh air angle, the girls are being asked to inhale deeply whenever the cameras are on them.

* This is what happens when you let Mr. Wang do your thinking for you.

* Maybe the WNBA will finally adopt my suggestion: "Shirts Vs. Skins."

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Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Science!! - The Senate's top watchdog on government waste, Republican Sen. Tom Coburn, released a report blasting over $3 billion in questionable projects funded by the National Science Foundation. They include the creation of a "robot hoedown and rodeo;'" a robot that can fold laundry; a virtual recreation of the 1964 World's Fair; a Jell-O wrestling contest for NSF employees at the South Pole; a study of event ticket prices on Stubhub.com; and a study of how well sick shrimp hold up when running on a tiny treadmill. It found that sick shrimp don't do as well on the treadmill as healthy shrimp. That cost taxpayers $559,681.

* But...now we know!

* Know who else is stuck on a treadmill until they feel sick? Taxpayers.

* Shrimp don't belong on treadmills, they belong on the barbie.

* They wanted to find out if Jell-O wrestling could be used to generate heat.

* Most of these are stupid, but America's housewives would gladly trade NASA for that robot that folds laundry.
 
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Friday, May 27, 2011
And Yet, Her Agent Told Her To Lose 10 Pounds - Former Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Estella Warren, star of Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes," allegedly had too much to drink Monday night and crashed her Prius into three parked cars in L.A. The blond hottie fled the scene, but was caught by cops and charged with DUI. They say she kicked a cop while resisting arrest and was hauled to jail. But she's so thin, she slipped out of the handcuffs and tried to bolt for the door. She's now facing charges of hit and run, DUI, assault on a cop and felony escape. She was eventually released on $100,000 bail.

* No jail could hold her anyway; she'd just walk between the bars.

* But she's a hot, blond celebrity in an L.A. court, so "Case dismissed!"

* I say put her under house arrest with Lindsay Lohan, with a webcam watching them at all times!

* Most models are so thin, they could use a handcuff for a hula-hoop.

 * Her lawyer is arguing that she should be freed because she's socially responsible...She drives a Prius, for God's sakes!

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Thursday, May 26, 2011
Mr. Bojangles, Dunce - Jason Douglas Gross of Gastonia, North Carolina, was a passenger in a minivan when the female driver pulled into the drive-thru of a Bojangles chicken restaurant and ordered the chicken leg dinner. When they got to the window, the clerk said they were out of chicken legs and asked if she could substitute different parts. She said Gross went berserk, twice asked, "You don't have any f-ing legs?" He then said, "Here's an f-ing leg for you," and slowly pulled down his jeans and then his underwear. He's facing charges. The clerk said she expects rude behavior from some hungry fast food customers, but this went beyond rude and will "be forever engrained in my head."

* He definitely comes up short…on manners.

* If he thinks that's a third leg, he's got a very inflated opinion of himself.

* He'd never try this at Burger King because he wouldn't dare try to convince a woman that that's a Whopper.

* He was just showing her "the other white meat."

* He could end up in a penal institution.

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Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Get Stamped If You Want Reentry - The Budapest insurance company Ergo, which is part of Munich Re, the world's biggest re-insurer, is under fire for holding a Roman-style orgy to reward its best salesmen. The orgy was held in the historic Art Nouveau thermal baths and involved 20 prostitutes with color-coded wristbands. Red wristbands meant the woman would do anything for anyone, and white wristbands meant they were reserved for the top salesmen and board members. After each sex act, the women's arms were stamped to keep track of how many times they'd been frequented. Ergo apologized, calling the orgy a "serious violation" of company rules, and said the managers and board members responsible no longer work there.

* But they didn't fire the salesmen because sales are through the roof this year.

* Arnold Schwarzenegger may apply for their job.

* This gives new meaning to the term, "tramp stamp."

* Munich Re is like the European version of AIG, so they figured throwing away money and screwing people was all part of a day's work.

* Their risk assessment expert advised the men to wear three condoms at once.

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Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Goop For Brains
- Gwyneth Paltrow is often mocked for being out of touch with average people on her advice website Goop.com, but she might have set a new standard with her tips for wardrobe staples every woman needs for summer. They can be mixed and matched to create six new looks that Gwyneth models. For instance, you can pair a $785 Stella McCartney Jersey tank dress with an $1840 silk blazer, a $1295 Chloe Bow clutch purse and $750 Mami sandals. Or reuse the blazer with a $515 Stella McCartney denim shirt, $1775 Alaia shoes and a simple gray T-shirt. Total cost of Gwyneth's basic summer wardrobe staples: $18,301.

* But you can reuse the blazer!

* I didn't even know there was such a thing as a $3,000 gray T-shirt.

* Gwyneth loves that she can spend so much less on clothes during the summer.

* It's an entire website just for women who are married to rock stars.

WEB LINK! See the clothes here.

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Monday, May 23, 2011
Pants On The Ground - 31-year-old Marshall David Osbourne was arrested in Oklahoma City on indecent exposure charges after someone saw a pair of legs sticking out from behind a soda machine at a grocery store entrance and allegedly discovered Osbourne with his pants down, touching himself. Police hauled him out, took him to jail and handcuffed him to a bench. The officer says he returned from processing Osbourne to find him with his pants down, touching himself on the jail bench. A second indecent exposure charge was added.

* Along with a bill for cleaning the bench.

* Hey, they're the ones who started the sexy stuff by handcuffing him to the bench!

* Masturbating behind a soda machine? He must think Fanta is short for "Fantasizing."

* Coke is the Real Thing...Touching yourself behind a Coke machine is the next best thing to the real thing.

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Friday, May 20, 2011
Or If You're A Diet Chef Client - The UK weight loss company Diet Chef surveyed 2,000 British women to ask at what age women should stop wearing certain types of clothing. The results: they should give up ponytails at 51, long hair at 53, leggings at 45, stilettos at 51 and miniskirts at 35. Also, they say women should not wear bikinis after 47 or see-through blouses over 40.

* Before you agree with that, bear in mind that Diane Lane, Salma Hayek, Halle Berry, Monica Belluci and Jennifer Aniston are all over 40.

* Unless you're Helen Mirren, then you shouldn't wear see-through blouses or bikinis over 80.

* How about a different standard? Don't wear bikinis if your hip are over 47.

* By 54, you should wear nothing but floor-length housecoats that close with Velcro.

* How about if women stop wearing miniskirts, stilettos and see-through blouses if they're under 14?

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Thursday, May 19, 2011
Ding-Dong, The Witch Is Dead - Dorothy Evans of Abergavenny, Wales, has died in her sleep at 84. She was one of the oldest people ever charged with antisocial behavior and was described by a judge as the "original neighbor from Hell." For eight years, she terrorized her neighbors, swearing at them, dropping her underpants, taking a sledgehammer to their wall, and telling their kids she was a witch and would put a spell on them. The judge finally banned her from coming within a mile of her own house, just to give her neighbors a break from her. One neighbor said, "I hope she rests in peace and that we can spend the rest of our lives in peace."

* The whole neighborhood came to the funeral, just to make sure she was really dead.

* People who saw her drop her underpants took a sledgehammer to their own eyes.

* Worst of all was the constantly blasting Susan Boyle CDs.

* Her neighbors called her "the Martha Stewart of Abergavenny."

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Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Waxing Will Never Wane - Inflation in Brazil is rising at the highest level in 15 years, and over the past year, that's led to a 12.4 percent hike in the price of bikini waxes. This is viewed as a catastrophe because the climate keeps women in bikinis and miniskirts year-round. There are 90 waxing parlors in Sao Paulo alone, and all their costs are rising. One salon owner said some women are cutting back on haircuts to make ends meet, but not bikini waxes. She said, "Brazilian women might let their hair grow longer, but they'll never stop getting waxed."

* Even if they think it's a painful rip-off.

* They don't mind long, flowing hair, as long as it's not coming out of their bikinis.

* If they didn't get waxed regularly, they wouldn't feel like full Brazilians.

* Nobody wants to talk about the high cost of bikini waxes...It's like the gorilla in the room, in a bikini.

* Until now, most Brazilians thought "inflation" meant getting butt implants.

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Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Malled By A Dogma - Saudi Arabia's strict rules against the sexes mixing in public usually come down hardest on women. But now, young single men are crying foul over a Jeddah shopping mall's ban on men unless they're accompanied by a female family member. They say it's to keep men from harassing female shoppers. But young men say it's a hassle to fetch their moms or sisters whenever they want to buy one item, even if the mall is nearly empty. One mom agreed that it's also a pain for her to be forced to accompany her son every time he goes shopping; but then, she also has to make him go with her when she shops or else she gets harassed.

* By who? All the men have their mothers with them!

* But she has to make him go with her anyway because somebody has to drive.

* They're afraid men will be ogling the women through the windows at Burqas R Us.

* Do you think they'll ever realize that the only people harassing anybody are the idiots running the mall?

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Monday, May 16, 2011
Osama Bin Writin' - Anonymous US officials told the AP that Navy Seals found Osama bin Laden's hand-written diary. It's reportedly filled with his plans and ideas for more attacks on Americans, like targeting smaller towns and derailing trains.

* And in between, a lot of insecure rambling about his two-inch penis.

* You can see why he turned out this way when you read the early pages about how he was stood up at the prom.

* Turns out he was also deeply into scrapbooking.

* His sons claim it was a violation of his civil rights for the Navy SEALS to shoot the little lock off his diary.

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Friday, May 13, 2011

Now You're Cookin' With Gas! - Researchers at the University Hospital of Singapore discovered a possible natural alternative to Viagra. They're developing an impotence treatment based on hydrogen sulphide, the gas that smells like rotten eggs and that schoolboys use to make stink bombs. Studies have shown that the smell of the gas boosts blood flow to the penis and can help men have sex.

* One problem: the smell of the gas also stops women from having sex with you.

* Trust me, I can attest that stinky gas does not help your sex life.

* So the smell of rotten eggs inspires men to have sex? That must be the theory behind Cher's perfume.

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Thursday, May 12, 2011
And 300 Times Every Sleeping Hour - Prof. Terri Fisher of Ohio State University disproved the cliche that men think about sex every seven seconds. She asked 163 students of both sexes to carry a chart and mark every time they thought about sex, food or sleep. She found that men think of sex about once every waking hour. Men think about food and sleep more often than sex, and they think about all three more often than women do. Fisher said, "Men are more aware of need-related states, such as being hungry or tired or sexually aroused, and focus on those. They are also better at detecting these states in themselves than women and more willing to express their thoughts."

* As in, "Make me a sandwich."

* When you put it that way, being a selfish pig is really a positive thing. Women should be more like that.

* Maybe men just failed to mark down all the times they think about sex because their pens ran out of ink.

* When a man thinks of "Sex-Food-Sleep," he's thinking about the entire sexual experience.

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Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Baloney - PETA holds protests of meat eating by showing up outside slaughterhouses nearly naked with just their privates concealed, covering their bodies in fake blood, lying on trays and wrapping plastic wrap around themselves, so they resemble big cuts of meat. They say they're challenging people to think about what "meat" is. But Milwaukee Alderman Bob Donovan objected to their permit to protest Friday outside the Cargill meat company, saying it would shock and upset the public. The City Attorney overruled him. PETA's lawyer sniped that someone needs to introduce Donovan to the First Amendment. Donovan replied that PETA needs to be introduced to common sense, and he suggested they learn about it while "enjoying a nice steak sandwich."

* Don't mess with him when you're dressed like a package of meat; he'll carry you back to his giant barbecue grill.

* PETA might have a point: the people who work at the slaughterhouse are really hard to gross out.

* Seeing PETA members dressed as cuts of meat does make you think...It makes you think, "Finally, a use for PETA members!"

* Is it really that wise to disguise yourself as a large piece of meat at a business where they make sausage?

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Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Tiana Is A Girl's Name? Crap! - Yesterday, the Social Security Administration released its list of the most popular American baby names of 2010. For the second year in a row, the #1 names were Jacob and Isabella. Pop culture continues to have a big influence on children's names. Some of the rising names include Tiana (from Disney's "The Princess And The Frog"), Kellan (after Kellan Lutz, star of the "Twilight" movies), Knox (after one of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's twins), and Maci and Bentley (after Maci Bookout and her son Bentley, from the reality show, "Teen Mom"). But in a sad sign of passing time, for the first time since 1954, the name "Elvis" failed to make the top 1,000 baby names.

* Which is too bad, because if your kid was named Elvis, he could beat the snot out of anyone named Knox or Bentley.

* But it is in the top 10 dog names.

* I don't know if I want to live in a world where there are more Snookis than Elvises.

* Maci and Bentley are so popular because that's what all the unwed teenage mothers name their babies.

* It's a lot easier to compile this list in the Middle East...The only name on it is Mohammed.

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Monday, May 9, 2011
Not Original Factory Equipment - Police in Jackson, Michigan, were called to the parking lot of Potter's Gentleman's Club about 2 am, on a report of a disturbance. A 23-year-old man had attempted to leave when a stripper chased after him, claiming he had failed to pay her for lap dances. Witnesses say he denied owing her money and tried to drive away, but the woman opened his car door and held on tight. She was "half-dragged, half-swung" between the door and the car has he continued to drive a short distance. No arrests were made, but the man was cited for driving on a suspended license.

* And for having an unsecured, free-swinging woman.

* She wanted to charge him for the laps they did around the parking lot.

* Her stripper name is "Tenacious DeDe."

* Luckily, she has built-in Triple-E airbags.

* Once again, why are these places called "gentleman's clubs"?

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Friday, May 6, 2011
Too Much Crab Grass - Police in Middletown, New Jersey, report that a man went into a Sears store to return a weed whacker. When he was told that the garden section was closed and he'd have to come back later, he began yelling and refused to leave. Clerks called police, who told him he'd have to leave. As they were escorting him out, he allegedly hit one officer with the weed whacker and had to be subdued by several cops. He was held on $17,500 bail after being arrested on various charges. They include aggravated assault on a police office and unlawful possession of a weapon: the Sears weed whacker.

* His lawyer entered an insanity plea...His client is obviously a wack job.

* Ironically, you know what would calm him down? Some weed.

* He must've been out wacking a patch of loco weed.

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Thursday, May 5, 2011
My Heart Bleeds For Them - A sex survey by Australia's University of New South Wales confirmed some stereotypes but destroyed another. As expected, 57 percent of men between age 34 and 44 want more sex, and 50 percent of men age 55 to 64 want more. Only about half as many women as men in those older age groups want more sex. But surprisingly, only 31 percent of men age 16 to 24 want more sex. In fact, 12 percent of young men said they wanted less sex, the highest of any age group. The researchers say it disproves the myth that young men are dying for more sex. In fact, many are overwhelmed by aggressive modern girls pushing them into relationships.

* Allow me to give them some advice from the voice of experience: "Get it while you can!"

* They should do what we did and learn to take matters into their own hands.

* Maybe the young men want less sex because they're the ones doing it with the 55- to 64-year-old women.

* How come when I was 18, the only thing girls wanted more of was cute shoes?

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Wednesday, May 4, 2011
But Where Will I Buy Pashminas And Bacon?! - Not only is Oprah Winfrey's TV show coming to an end, but her production company announced that shortly after that, Chicago's two Oprah Stores will also shut down. They specialize in Oprah-related apparel and souvenirs, plus they support a charity called "Oprah's Closet" by reselling clothes that actually once belonged to Oprah.

* They have EVERY size.

* The two Oprah stores combined aren't as big as Oprah's actual closet.

* It's like the Disney Store, only instead of Mickey Mouse ears, they sell Barack Obama ears.

* They'll be replaced by two Jerry Springer stores...Well, actually, they're just sex shops.

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Tuesday, May 3, 2011
To The Moon, Alice! - Space Adventures of Virginia has already sent seven private citizens to the space station for a charge of $20-to-$35 million each. Now, they're planning the first private trips to the moon, starting in 3 to 5 years. The spacecraft wouldn't land on the moon, but passengers would get to travel around it and see the dark side close up. The trip would take about a week, and they already have one reservation. They say they just need one more to move forward. That's because tickets will cost $150 million each.

* Plus $25 for each piece of luggage.

* Wow! How much for the return trip?

* Considering the price of gas, that's what a flight to Newark will cost in 3 to 5 years.

* They're going to be really ticked to pay that much, then discover you can't actually see the dark side of the moon because IT'S DARK!

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Monday, May 2, 2011
Magnus Dopus - A researcher in London's Royal Society of Chemistry archives has discovered a previously unknown guidebook to women, written in 1505. It's believed to have been written by theologian and "scientist" Albertus Magnus, to help priests understand and avoid women. It was progressive in its day, when women were often put to death or tortured, but it wasn't very accurate. The book described females as "failed males," whose pregnancy cravings are caused by "evil humours." It says that if you want to know if a woman is a virgin, make her sniff a lettuce, and if she then needs to go to the bathroom, she is "corrupted." The book also claims that during their time of the month, women can kill animals with just a look.

* Okay, so he got one right...

* Not just animals! Husbands, too!

* If she has to run straight to the bathroom, maybe the lettuce is corrupted.

* Another weakness of women: they're very superstitious.

* This is the same book priests still use to understand women.

VIDEO LINK! We know who really wrote this book (check the 2:10 mark).

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Friday, April 29, 2011
Crafty, Man - Cincinnati police sergeant Robert McDonough was fired last week after pleading no contest to public indecency in 2010. McDonough was caught on security video last May, exposing himself to people in Sears. He was identified because he used his credit card to make a purchase during the same visit. He escaped jail due to overcrowding, but he got probation, a $250 fine, a ban from all Sears stores, and he was moved to a desk job until he could be fired. Apparently, he's an amateur social scientist. He claimed that he had pulled his zipper down "in an attempt to determine who would advise him that his zipper was down."

* Answer: EVERYBODY.

* He was testing the theory that you can never find anyone to help you at Sears.

* All things considered, the cops thought the safest place to put him was behind a desk.

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Thursday, April 28, 2011
How About "Mother's Little Helper"? - There are so many wines these days that they try to invent attention-getting names, like "Cleavage Creek" and "Big Red Pecker" (with a rooster on the label). Now, the goofy names have sparked a federal lawsuit, with makers of "Mommyjuice" wine wanting a ruling that they are not violating the trademark of "Mommy's Time Out" wine. Both wines target overworked moms: the label of Mommyjuice suggests moms "tuck your kids into bed, sit down and have a glass of Mommyjuice. Because you deserve it." "Mommy's Time Out" claims the similar names create confusion in the mind of the consumer, but the makers of Mommyjuice say that "mommy" is a generic term.

* I thought "Mommyjuice" referred to breast milk.

* What if they changed "Mommyjuice" to "Mommy Juiced"?

* The kind of mommies they're targeting would buy a case of each.

* If their consumers are confused, it's probably because they're drunk.

* I prefer Cleavage Creek Wine...it's a luscious, full-bodied wine that comes in big jugs.

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Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Carrying A Torch - Kevin Robert Theriault is facing three charges each of public sexual indecency and indecent exposure in Tempe, Arizona. A woman who dresses up as the Statue of Liberty and stands on the corner to draw attention to the Liberty Income Tax preparation service complained to police that Theriault had unzipped his pants and masturbated while staring at her. She said he'd done it three times in the past three weeks. Police set up a sting operation and waited. They busted him when he returned to the parking lot and did it again while staring at the woman in the Statue of Liberty costume. After his arrest, he told police that he just wanted to go home and do his taxes.

* Wouldn't that be cruel and unusual punishment?

* The IRS agents will draw straws to see who has to touch his tax form.

* He couldn't help it; when he sees Lady Liberty, he just feels so FREE!

* His lawyer claims his tingly parts were yearning to breathe free.

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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

In Your Facial - A Chinese-language film billed as the first 3D porn movie has opened in Hong Kong. "3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy" drew packed houses on its first day, shattering the opening day record set by James Cameron's "Avatar." The producer said, "People have always thought that you need 3D technology for this kind of content. So people were very curious."

* They just wanted to see the first Chinese product that wasn't made by 12-year-old children.

* Finally, a porn movie with depth.

* You know, there are some things you see in movies that I really don't want to be "in my face."

* This will give James Cameron something for shoot for with "Avatar 2."

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Monday, April 25, 2011
That's What Their Hygienists Are For - Dentists Dentists in Ontario, Canada, are petitioning for a change in a provincial law that bars dentists from having sex with any patient. They say it means they can't have sex with their own spouses if they give them dental treatments. One orthodontist wrote a tongue-in-cheek article for the Oral Health Journal suggesting that dentists have their spouses wear a fake mustache or beard to their dental offices, and at home, that they lock the bedroom door and cover all the windows with black paper.

* They're Canadians; they do that anyway.

* Does it count if it's oral...................surgery?

* Oral sex is okay, as long as you rinse and spit afterwards.

* There's another petition to keep the ban on dentists having sex with their spouses, but it's mostly signed by dentists' spouses.

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Friday, April 22, 2011
Potsie Doesn't Have A Potsie - Former "Happy Days" cast members Erin "Joanie" Moran, Anson "Potsie" Williams, Donnie "Ralph Malph" Most and Marion "Mrs. Cunningham" Ross are joining with Tom Bosley's estate to sue CBS and Paramount for $10 million. The show is still rerun worldwide, but they say they've never seen a cent of the promised merchandise royalties from being on clothing, games, mugs, greeting cards, dolls, lunchboxes and more. CBS claims they're only owed about $9,000 each. But Ross said they realized how they were being ripped off when her house was being foreclosed on while people kept remarking on how much money she must be making from being on the new "Happy Days" slot machine.

* It's one slot machine that never pays off.

* If she wants money, just get Fonzie to tap the slot machine.

* You know the shark the Fonz jumped? He's their lawyer.

* You mean Anson Williams didn't get rich off his record albums?

* Ron Howard has a much better deal...He gets a royalty every time a bald guy wears a baseball cap.

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Thursday, April 21, 2011
Earning Her Bones - In an interview with Harper's Bazaar, Lady Gaga finally explained the prosthetic horns she's been seen sporting on her forehead, cheeks and shoulders. The writer says the only tense moment came when he asked her about it, and she insisted, "They're not prosthetics. They're my bones.... They've always been inside of me, but I have been waiting for the right time to reveal to the universe who I truly am. They come out when I'm inspired." Asked if she might encourage her fans to alter their looks in the same way, Gaga replied, "We all have these bones! They're the light from inside of us."

* When she calls her fans "little monsters," she must mean it literally.

* This is like when Michael Jackson insisted that was his real face.

* I don't believe her horns are natural...I could believe she's naturally horny.

* For this one issue, Harper's Bazaar will just be called "Bizarre."

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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Lady Libertine
- The U.S. Post Office was embarrassed after a stamp collector called to ask if they were aware that their stamp honoring one of the great symbols of America, the Statue of Liberty, didn't depict the real Lady Liberty. It's actually a photo of the half-size, fiberglass and Styrofoam replica outside the New York-New York Casino in Las Vegas. Officials said they won't recall the stamp; they'll just change the description in their catalog and live with the mistake. Naturally, it delighted the casino owner, MGM Resorts, which is now the first Vegas casino on a U.S. Postage stamp. They said everyone thought it was honoring just one great American institution, but it was actually honoring two.

* Liberty and cheap buffets.

* How could they not tell the difference? The Vegas Lady Liberty is topless.

* The New York Lady Liberty is raising her arm to hold high the torch of freedom...The Vegas one is raising her arm to pull down a slot machine handle.

* Wait a minute: the real Statue of Liberty was a gift from France...Are we SURE it's not fiberglass and Styrofoam, too?

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Tuesday, April 19, 2011
He's The Pope Of Chili Town! - It was just last December that the British Naga Viper was named the world's hottest pepper, but it's already been dethroned. Australian farmer Marce de Wit has taken the prize with his Trinidad Scorpion Butch T. He credits its power to a fertilizer he calls "worm juice" because it's a liquid run-off from a worm farm. The Butch T has a heat rating of 1.46 million Scofield heat units. A jalapeno is only 5,000. It's so hot, it has to be handled with protective gloves, and workers wear chemical masks and body suits to protect them from the fumes when they make salsa with it.

* The most insane part of this story: "They make SALSA with it!"

* If you think that's bad, imagine the fumes that are emitted after you eat it.

* Eat that salsa, and you'll soon be a worm farm yourself.

* It's so hot, Indian people can only eat three at a sitting.

* The Naga Viper was just fertilized with snake venom.

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Monday, April 18, 2011

Flying With Harpo Marx - Staffers at Virgin Atlantic Airlines were surveyed about the strangest things people had tried to check in as luggage. One couple tried to bring on a souvenir of their holiday in Grenada: a bag full of sand and seawater. Other things people have tried to get onto planes: a car engine, a bath tub, a dead cow, a tarantula hidden in a lady's coat, a giant wheel of cheese, and a bag of cutlery stolen from a previous Virgin Airlines flight.

* That would come in handy for carving up the dead cow.

* That lady had also been to Grenada, and she didn't know there was a tarantula in her coat.

* So apparently, all those full-body cavity searches are working.

* The bathtub was because the moist towelettes just don't do the job.

* When you get on a plane these days, it might be a good idea to bring a spare engine along.

* In response to this, Virgin has just added a $25 fee for each dead cow.

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Friday, April 15, 2011
It's Shrinkage! - The Phallological Museum, or museum of penises, in the tiny town of Husavik in Northern Iceland, finally has its first human penis. The museum has everything from tiny animal penises in jars to a 67-inch sperm whale penis, but this is its first human specimen. The pickled penis was donated by former tourism worker Pall Arason, who recently died at 95. The museum owner said said several organ donors have volunteered, but Arason was the first to die. He said, "I've been waiting for this guy for 15 years."

* It's hard to imagine anyone wanting the penis of a decrepit old man who isn't Hugh Hefner.

* Not many guys are willing to show their penises in a place that's as cold as northern Iceland.

* His last request: "Don't display it next to the sperm whale's."

* Why didn't he just go dumpster-diving at a sex-change clinic?

* It's the only one he has now, but eventually, he'll have his pick of a peck of pickled peckers.

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Thursday, April 14, 2011
First Blue President - President Obama seems to be in a remorseful mood. He told Hearst magazine editors that he's not a golf addict, but it's his only way to get away for privacy. He said he misses being able to watch people in Central Park, "I miss Saturday morning, rolling out of bed, not shaving, getting into my car with my girls, driving to the supermarket, squeezing the fruit, getting my car washed, taking walks. I can't take a walk...I miss being anonymous."

* ...like Joe Biden.

* ...Going out for smokes...

* A lot of people miss him being anonymous, too.

* If it's any consolation, he can still squeeze the middle class.

* These days, if he squeezes the melons, word will get back to Michelle.

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Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Take This Idea Back - Spike TV is launching "Repo Games," a new reality show from the producers of "Jersey Shore" that incorporates the reality of the lousy economy. They send a TV crew along with the tow truck when a car is repossessed and give the debtors a chance to win their car back, free and clear. They just have to answer three out of five questions on subjects that could range from science to pop culture to technology.

* But Snooki wrote them, so they're all about tanning and Jagermeister.

* I'm guessing that if they were experts on science and technology, they wouldn't be having their 1998 Camrys repossessed.

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Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Even Ghosts Hate Windows - Last week, people across Asia celebrated the Ching Ming festival, in honor of their dead ancestors. It's traditional to burn paper replicas of gifts, with the idea that the smoke takes the gifts to the departed. And the afterlife has really gone high-tech. This year's hottest sellers were paper iPads, iPhones, laptops and LCD TVs. Merchants say it was crazy, with all the "ghost gadgets" completely selling out, especially the Apple items.

* Well, of course: you ever try calling all the way from Heaven on an AT&T phone?

* They're calling it the "Ka-Ching Festival."

* The ghost iPad is called the "I Dead."

* If the afterlife is filled with people yakking on iPhones and tapping on iPads, can it really still be called "Heaven"?

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Monday, April 11, 2011
Making Mountains Out Of Molehills - Some parents at Shady Grove Elementary School in Henrico, Virginia, are furious about last week's Career Day. One of the visitors was a plastic surgeon who not only explained what he does, he brought along a breast implant and let the 9- and 10-year-olds feel it. Officials say the surgeon comes every year, although this was apparently the first year he had implant show-and-tell, and the kids found it informative. But some parents called it shocking, appalling and inappropriate. One mom said, "Career Day sure isn't what it once was."

* And all the dads said it's a hundred times better.

* Before I form an opinion, were the implants they felt just loose or were they in his nurse's chest?

* It was inspiring and educational for all the girls who'd like a career in show business.

* Call me old-fashioned, but I think the only breast implants underage students should get to feel are in the teachers they're having sex with.

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Thursday, April 7, 2011

Only If They Have Golf - The Swedish magazine Amelia ran an ad for a blogger to cover tourist resorts that advertise with them. It could be the best job in the world. The editor says the ad for a "professional beach tester" has gotten a huge response. It said that the job requirements include swimming, lying on beaches, working overtime to test drinks, getting full-body massages and the ability to do nothing for extended periods of time.

* Why would Obama run for reelection when he's much better suited for this job?

* I get the feeling the winner is going to be Snooki.

* The bad news: their biggest advertiser is Motel 6.

* Only one beach tester will be hired, and the rest will be told to go pound sand.

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Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Hannah Montana Hides The Banana - For perverts who waited anxiously for Miley Cyrus to finally turn 18, good news: Pipedream Products has now released an inflatable lookalike love doll called "Finally Miley." They boast that it has "three achy love holes," and that the first run sold out within 48 hours. They've previously marketed love dolls that look like Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Britney Spears, Kim Kardashian and other celebrities. Miley is said to be "disgusted." The company hopes to sell as many more as possible before getting the expected cease-and-desist order.

* Miley says that nobody should be allowed to reduce her to some mindless, plastic sex object, other than herself!

* They like to think of it as "going the extra Miley."

* The Kim Kardashian is the most popular, even though it takes three times longer to inflate.

* The Britney Spears blowup doll is very realistic, except that it's much smarter than the real Britney.

* The Lady Gaga isn't that attractive, but it does come with both sets of genitals.

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Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Baptizing The Worm - Philip Mockli is suing his hometown of Preston, Idaho, claiming the Republican officials' ban on the sale of liquor by the drink violates his religious freedom. Mockli is the founder and "Head Honcho" of his own religion, the Ethereal Enigmatic Euphoric Movement Toward Civilized Hedonism. He says they're being denied the sacred rite of their religion to drink tequila shots in bars.

* This is always followed by the Passion Play, which is what they call Jello wrestling.

* He really is living in his own private Idaho.

* The ritual is to drink tequila until you see God...or until you can't remember what E.E.E.M.T.C.H. stands for.

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Monday, April 4, 2011
I Thought Trojans Prevent Things From Going Viral - The Kappa Sigma fraternity at the University of Southern California has suspended a member after he had sex with his girlfriend in broad daylight on the roof of the 12-story School of Education building. It drew a crowd of hundreds of gawkers, and photos and video soon went viral on the Internet. The girlfriend doesn't attend USC. The frat suspended him for "conduct unbecoming of a Kappa Sigma and a gentleman." A USC spokesman told the Daily Trojan campus paper that they're still investigating to determine if the student violated university policies that prohibit unauthorized access to building roofs.

*  Apparently, he used the rear entrance.

* Hey, some guys just like being on top.

* Haven't they been punished enough? If you think carpet burn is bad, try doing it on hot shingles.

* Why are they so upset about a student having sex when the school paper is called the Daily Trojan?

* Having sex on a roof in broad daylight is unbecoming of a frat member? I remember when that was what you had to do to get initiated.

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Friday, April 1, 2011
Christina Can’t Even Find The Words - Someone is trying to sell the tabloids hundreds of "provocative" photos of Christina Aguilera taken from a digital storage card found in a French hotel room. There are reportedly no nudes or sex shots, but they include shots of Christina with two nude male strippers; dancing on a table; drinking and smoking a cigar at a bachelorette party for Nicole Richie, who's in a bikini with a male blow-up doll strapped to her; Christina mimicking oral sex with a chocolate covered banana at a theme park; and Christina and her son at a goat farm. So far, nobody's bought them.

* Maybe if they removed the pictures of Nicole Ritchie in a bikini...

* There's nothing really shocking, like a photo of her reading a book.

* The thief hoped to find a picture of her in the bathtub, but turns out she doesn't bathe.

* The one with the banana is labeled, "How I got my first recording contract."

* She wasn't mimicking oral sex...These days, she just really loves chocolate-covered bananas.

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Thursday, March 31, 2011
Could We Just Ban Ugly People From Having Sex? - In Alaska, a seven-member board nominates state judges, and the governor has nominated Don Haase ("Hays") to fill a spot. But he ran into some trouble Monday under questioning by Senate Democrats. They noted that he failed to mention he used to lead the social conservative group Eagle Forum Alaska. Asked if he agreed with them that adultery should be a felony, he said maybe not a felony, but it should be illegal because it hurts kids and spouses. And should premarital sex be illegal? He said it should be up to the voters, but he'd vote to make it a crime because of the spread of disease and the likelihood that it could lead to violence. Haase insisted that he would not let his beliefs influence his picks for judge.

* Although he might pick Judge Judy...She looks like she wouldn't put up with any hanky-panky.

* Plus, it's Alaska, so you've gotta keep warm somehow.

* Democrats were appalled, although they kind of like the idea of locking up Bristol Palin.

* Senate Democrats will compromise on a lot of things, but there's no way they'll allow adultery to become illegal!

* If sex leads to violence, then you're really doing it wrong.

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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Brick Didn't Even Get Laid - Madonna is facing lawsuits in Malawi and a lot of bad publicity after canceling plans to build a $15 million school there for poor girls. Locals were already furious at her for allegedly skirting rules to adopt two Malawi kids and forcing a village to move to make way for her elite school. She loaned the fund millions and hit up fellow stars and Kabbalah backers for more. But it all fell apart when the charity's executive director, the partner of Madonna's former personal trainer, quit after it was revealed that he and staffers had squandered $3.8 million on salaries, golf memberships, chauffeured cars, offices and other luxuries before the first brick was laid.

* How could anyone NOT trust a multimillion dollar project to the partner of their former personal trainer?

* There's still $11 million left, but you can't build a school in Malawi for that.

* Locals will build their own school and name it after Madonna...It will be called "Scary White Witch Who Steals Our Children and Destroys Our Villages" Elementary.

* Even if there's no school, they still learned a valuable lesson: "Never trust rich white people."

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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Is The Only Cottage Cheese In Your House On Your Thighs? - Americans might be fat, but that doesn't mean we have to believe we're fat. Columbia University researchers asked 111 moms and 111 kids to choose which of several body size pictures was the closest match to their own. Over 80 percent of obese and overweight moms and kids picked bodies that were thinner than they really were. It suggests that one reason there might be an obesity epidemic is that a lot of fat people just don't realize they're fat.

* Of course they don't; only really skinny people think they're fat.

* They seriously believe their pants shrunk 13 inches in the washer.

* Maybe we could get George Lopez to do jokes about how much like pigs they are. That might help.

* What if there were no photos that were as fat as they actually were?

* 100 percent of dads think they're thinner than they really are.

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Monday, March 28, 2011
Who Cares? We're Extinct! - Last Wednesday, the IHME art festival in Helsinki began the premiere of a movie called "Modern Times Forever" by a Danish art group. And it's still going on because it's the world's longest movie. It lasts 240 hours - 10 full days.  It just shows a famous Helsinki building falling into a dilapidated state as time speeds into the future, humans go extinct and the building is battered by time and the elements.

* Pretty much the same way the audience feels after watching it.

* Still, it doesn't feel as long as "Sex & The City 2."

* Extinction would be preferable to sitting through this.

* While it's playing, viewers will go to the bathroom 50 times, and each time ask, "Did I miss anything?" And the answer will always be "no."

* Something new is rotten in Denmark.

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Friday, March 25, 2011
Fishy Story - Iran's official news agency claims that Iran has made a breakthrough that proves it's on the cutting edge of science. No, not a nuclear weapon: they've developed a flying saucer. They say it's an unmanned saucer equipped with GPS, autopilot and HD recording, and it can be used for aerial imaging and "various missions." But they didn't release any photos or video, which raised suspicions about their claim. Iran also claimed four years ago to have developed a "super-modern," radar-evading, flying boat, but to this day, nobody's ever seen it.

* Wow! It REALLY works!

* All of the Middle East's super-modern weapons are invisible...That explains Iraq's WMD's.

* It's hard to believe Iran has a saucer when most of the people don't even have a pot.

* The flying saucer uses the same Iranian technology pioneered by the flying carpet.

* Just in case, Israel is spending $10 billion on anti-flying saucer guns.

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Thursday, March 24, 2011
Are These People Rattled? - Wheeling, Illinois, plans to spend $1.2 million to build a paved bike and pedestrian path from the Des Plaines River to Interstate 294. It won't be finished until late 2012, which gives officials time to figure out what to do about the fact that it runs right next to the habitat of now-hibernating eastern massasauga rattlesnakes. Since the poisonous rattlers are endangered, environmental officials assume "the project will have an adverse effect on the snakes' habitat," so it will require a special permit and a study of how to minimize the pedestrians' impact on the rattlesnakes.

* Their main impact on the rattlesnakes will be to make them fatter.

* It will be a lengthy study, something you can really sink your teeth into.

* I predict that by 2014, bicyclists and pedestrians will be endangered species.

* Cost of the environmental impact study: $1.2 million.

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Wednesday, March 23, 2011
But Now, Everything's Perfect! - It's said that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find Prince Charming, but most women go through worse than that. A poll of 2,000 women by the dating webite Meeteez.com found that the average woman kissed 22 men, had six one-night stands, went on six bad dates that never went anywhere, and had her heart broken five times before meeting Mr. Right. The average woman has also been cheated on four times.

* By Mr. Right.

* The six one-night stands were just Mr. Right Now.

* Unfortunately, Mr. Right said he was looking for a virgin.

* If this woman has warts, she's lucky if she got them from kissing frogs.

* The average woman would be better off if more of her dates hadn't gone anywhere.

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Tuesday, March 22, 2011
She Didn't Have A Purse That Matched Her Outfit - Karin Mackaliunas of Scranton, Pennsylvania, crashed her car on an off-ramp Sunday. It was towed and she was about to leave when police got a call that she was suspected of stealing items from the Dunmore Inn hotel. A search turned up three bags of heroin on her, so she was taken in. Police noticed she was fidgeting on the backseat, and at the police station, they say she admitted to have more heroin hidden in her vagina. She certainly did: a search of that area turned up 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty plastic bags used to transport heroin, 8-and-a-half prescription pills, and $51.22 in cash.

* All in pennies.

* It's really inconvenient when she has to buy gas.

* Also, a robe and three bath towels from the Dunmore Inn hotel.

* Searching her was like a magic act...Her vagina is like Harpo Marx's overcoat.

* That's nothing: the Octomom stores her 10-speed bicycle in hers.

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Monday, March 21, 2011
Who Are The Other 73,999 Porn Stars? - Charlie Sheen has narrowed down the 74,000 applicants for the job of intern to handle his social media. Not surprisingly, one is porn star Isis Taylor, who might have an inside track due to her resume noting that she has had "prior relations" with Charlie's "goddess," Bree Olsen.

* So she's an expert at both social media and social diseases.

* This would mark the first time she's ever assumed an unpaid position.

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Friday, March 18, 2011
Really Mad Men - A Terminex pest control franchise in Dallas, Texas, found a creepy new way to advertise. To make the point that cockroaches spread disease, they put up a sign in front of the Angelika movie theater that spelled out "E COLI" in clear, three-dimensional plastic letters. Bug wranglers then filled the letters with about 5,000 live, teeming roaches, funneled into the letters from soda bottles. Some passersby were amused, others terrified or disgusted. A spokesman for the ad agency said they have a staffer who lived in New York, and it was hard for her to work on this campaign.

* It just made her too nostalgic for her old apartment.

* You'd think that with a job in an ad agency, she'd be used to working with cockroaches.

* This idea went over a lot better with Terminex than it did when they pitched it to Taco Bell.

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Thursday, March 17, 2011 - Happy St. Patrick's Day!
It Has A Better Plot Than "The DaVinci Code" - One of the most popular books on Amazon.com right now is 200 pages long, and all of them are blank. It's a gag gift book with the title, "What Every Man Thinks About, Apart From Sex." "Author" Sheridan Simove said it took nine days from idea to finished book in hand, and he's fiercely proud to now be a best-selling author. His blank book sold out its first print run, and passed "The DaVinci Code" and one of the "Harry Potter" books on the sales charts. Simove said, "I am thinking about a follow-up called 'Reasons to Trust Politicians.'"

* That would also be blank, but only two pages long.

* How about "Reasons Why Good Writers Should Even Try To Get Published Anymore"?

* But he didn't think about it for long before he got distracted thinking about sex.

* It's a great gift for girls like Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton...Not because they'd find it funny, but because they'd find it easy to read.

* He's thrilled to have a best-selling book because he'll get a lot more sex now.

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Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Eat Me! - Bernardo Hees, the Brazilian-born global boss of Burger King, had to apologize after he told students in Chicago that he attended college in England, where unlike in Chicago, "The food is terrible and the women are not very attractive." He said he was just joking, but it infuriated British feminists and chefs, one of whom said it was an insult to British gastronomy to be criticized by the man responsible for serving up flame-broiled Whoppers and bacon-double cheeseburgers.

* Millions and millions of them in Britain, for some reason.

* If anyone wants to argue that British food is better than a flame-broiled cheeseburger, let him speak now.

* That is a ridiculous statement...There are some very attractive British women.

* Britain now has some delicious cuisine...It's all Indian, but it's delicious.

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Tuesday, March 15 , 2011
Giggity! - A clerk at a bookstore in Atlantic City felt a sharp implement poking her in her back, and a woman demanded that she open the register. After the woman took the money and fled, the clerk screamed for help. Two men emerged from the video booths in the shop's adult section and chased the woman down and held for the cops.

* Well, she was hot.

* It was the first time in years that they'd actually held a live woman.

* The really amazing part of the story: they were able to run.

* While they were holding her, she felt two implements poking her in the back.

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Monday, March 14, 2011

Bring Craig In For Questioning - Two young Minneapolis men were out drinking last weekend and decided to cap off the night by hiring two strippers they found on Craigslist.com to come to their condo. But not two minutes after the women arrived, two armed male accomplices burst through the door and stole the clients' money, luggage, watches and cell phones. Police are still looking for them. They say this happens often, but the victims are usually too embarrassed to report it. A police spokesman said it shows "it is a terrible idea to invite total strangers into your house, especially after you have been drinking."

* For a lot of guys, getting drunk and inviting paid strangers into their houses is their entire social life.

* Charlie Sheen calls that "winning."

* They actually were strippers...They stripped the guys of everything they had.

* It also shows why it's so important to only deal with reputable, professional strippers...They should also be bonded, although they charge extra for that.

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Friday, March 11, 2011
Aim It On Rio - Rio De Janeiro officials are trying to show that the city will be cleaned up and ready for the 2016 Olympics by making the current Carnival urine-free. To achieve that, they launched a "Zero Tolerance for Pissing" campaign and insured there were portable toilets in all crowded areas. But it's not working. Just in the first weekend of Carnival, 214 beer-swilling revelers were arrested for urinating on the streets or in doorways. Most were men. Officials blamed the long lines at portable toilets and promised to bring in even more.

* That way, people won't have to wait in line so long to pee on the portable toilets.

* On the bright side, this frees up the portable toilets for having sex.

* The theme of this year's Carnival is "Follow The Yellow Brick Road."

* This is Rio's #1 problem...You don't want to know their #2 problem.

* Why not just make beer-swilling followed by distance-peeing an Olympic event?

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Thursday, March 10, 2011
What Goes Up Must Crash Horribly - For a new TV series called "How Hard Can It Be?," a National Geographic team built a 16x16-foot replica of the house from "Up" and attached a lot of helium balloons to see if it really would fly. It did. It reached an altitude of 10,000 feet and stayed aloft for about an hour.

* And then, it came down just like the house in "The Wizard Of Oz."

* If you'd like to make your own house fly, they're producing a do-it-yourself show called "'Up' Yours!"

* Sadly, all attempts to make the real Ed Asner lovable failed.

* Next on "How Hard Can It Be?," they plan to teach penguins to tap dance.

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Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Putting The Gag Into Gaga - That London restaurant that was offering breast milk ice cream first ran afoul of health officials, and now, they have a new problem. Lady Gaga is threatening to sue them over the dessert's name, "Baby Gaga." Her lawyers sent the owner a letter accusing him of infringing her trademarks in a manner that is "deliberately provocative and, to many people, nausea-inducing," and demanding he change the name or face legal action.

* He'd rename them after Kim Kardashian, but nobody could swallow two scoops that big.

* "Deliberately provocative and, to many people, nausea-inducing"...Yep, that's Lady Gaga's trademark, all right.

* She's offended that her name is being associated with a blatant attempt to use breasts to get cheap publicity.

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Tuesday, March 8, 2011
"They Abducted My Clocks, Too?" - The British government just released 35 previously classified UFO files dating back to the '50s. Some were unexplained, and some obvious hoaxes. Among the latter was a man who called the government, claiming he'd been having a drink in his garden when he was terrified by a huge, cigar-shaped UFO that passed over. He said he woke up the next morning and his clocks were behind the time on the radio, so he might've been abducted by aliens and experienced "missing time." They told him daylight savings time had started and to move his clocks forward an hour.

* So now he thinks alien spacecraft observe daylight savings time.

* He had missing time, but he found it again in the fall.

* I have a feeling both the UFO and the missing time could be explained by the drink he was having.

* They were also suspicious that the UFO he described was actually shaped like an anal probe.

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Monday, March 7, 2011
More Like A Flashback - At the Geneva Car Show, Volkswagen is showing off a prototype for a new version of the VW Microbus, designed to appeal to old hippies who drove one in the '60s. It has the same boxy look, three-person bench front seat and two-tone job paint as the original, but there are some updates. For instance, it uses an iPad to control the entertainment system, climate control and other functions. And it has an environmentally-friendly electric motor that goes 186.4 miles on a charge.

* By the time we got to Woodstock, we'd be dead of old age.

* But you have to drive 5 mph, which considering how old and stoned the drivers will be, is about right.

* When the battery goes dead, you can relive those nostalgic days of having to push your VW van to the nearest service station.

* If this van's a-rockin', it's only because the car seats are actual rocking chairs.

* It also has separate compartments to hold your sunglasses, your cane and your medicinal marijuana.

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Friday, March 4, 2011
I Surrender! - Britain's Daily Mail reports that air traffic controllers in Siberia claim they were buzzed by a UFO that was tracked on radar at over 6,000 mph. Not only that, but an air traffic controller said he tried to make contact with the UFO after hearing what he thought was an alien voice on his radio monitor. He said the alleged voice sounded like a female alien purring like a cat. He said it was "as if a woman was saying 'meow-meow' all the time." He got no response. Airport officials had no comment.

* They just cut back on the amount of vodka air traffic controllers are allowed to drink at lunch.

* Geeks are all excited now because they think we're being invaded by sexy cat women from the planet Pandora.

* Charlie Sheen says he's not only seen that same UFO, he went on board and nailed the alien cat chick.

WEB LINK! Trailer for "Cat Women of the Moon." Check out the narration starting at :56 seconds in. 

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Thursday, March 3, 2011
But Surely, The Botox! - Former Ohio TV news anchor Anietra Hamper landed in tax court last week for attempting to deduct $167,356 worth of beauty-related expenses from her income taxes over three years. The expenses included business suits, sportswear, eveningwear, jewelry, shoes, gym memberships, dry cleaning, manicures, teeth whitening, loungewear, a robe, bedding, lingerie and even bikini and thong panties. Her attorney argued that all those things were necessary to do her job because she had to appear before the community at all times looking neat, professional and conservative. But the court ruled that none of those things were ordinary and necessary business expenses for a TV newsperson.

* If that's the criteria, then I'm assuming they did allow all the plastic surgery.

* But without sexy lingerie and bedding, you can't even land a job as a TV newsbabe!

* That's ridiculous! When she's not on camera, she doesn't even wear panties!

* Now, if she'd worked for Fox News, breast implants and hair bleach would've been deductible.

* Conservative professional women don't wear thong panties...Only conservative male politicians do.
 
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Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I'll Think About That Tomorrow - A DDB Lifestyle study asked Americans which movie line best described their philosophy of life, and the #1 answer with 26 percent of the vote was Forest Gump's "Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you'll get." It was followed by "There's no place like home" from "The Wizard of Oz" and "Carpe diem" ("Seize the day") from "Dead Poets Society." Others in the top ten included "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'," "May the Force be with you," and "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." The researchers said that in such a materialistic society, they were surprised that "Show me the money!" didn't rank higher, but it only came in 10th.

* I would adopt that as my philosophy of life if someone would pay me to.

* I'd not surprised that most Americans' personal philosophy involved eating chocolate.

* Most Americans think "Carpe diem" means "Complain every day."

* Americans love Forest Gump so much, we keep sending people like him to Washington.

* I'd think that with so many people trying to find a job or sell a house or afford retirement, we'd sum up our lives with, "Do ya feel lucky, punk?"
 

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Tuesday, March 1, 2011
"On A Very Special Episode Of 'Jersey Shore'"... - Melvin Cade of Trenton, New Jersey, is accused of kidnapping his ex-girlfriend and driving her around for over an hour while he repeatedly punched her in the head, threatened her with a screwdriver and told her he was looking for a better place to kill her. She jumped out at a red light and escaped. But Cade has a novel excuse: he says the whole time, he had a diamond ring in his pocket and was planning to propose to her. He said, "People do all sorts of strange things when they get engaged. They put the ring in food, all kinds of things. Yeah, I said some things, but it was all part of the buildup." The judge didn't buy it and set bail at $300,000.

* Surely, he loved her enough that the ring in his pocket was worth that.

* He was just trying to remind her of their first date.

* He's what Jersey girls call "a keeper."

* He should've just put the ring in her food and hoped she choked on it.

* I'm sensing some subtle signals that maybe he was secretly hoping she wouldn't say yes.

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Monday, February 28, 2011
She Toppled Like Dominoes - Memphis pizza delivery driver Susan Guy is being hailed as a hero after she learned the pizzeria hadn't heard from an elderly customer in three days, and the woman usually ordered a large pepperoni pizza every day. Guy went to her home and discovered she was on the floor and couldn't get up. The woman's all-pizza diet saved her life.

* That's what I keep trying to tell people!

* Then again, she couldn't get up because a giant stack of pizza boxes had fallen on her.

* She hadn't fallen.  She's just so fat that she'd sat on the floor and couldn't get up.

* That's why I'll never need a medic alert bracelet: I'll just depend on the Domino's guy to save me.

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Friday, February 25, 2011
Only ONE Businessman - Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid knows why his home state of Nevada is struggling and has a 15 percent unemployment rate. It's the legal prostitution. Reid claims he recently met with a group of businessmen, and one complained about the legal brothels, and he says families tell him they "don't want their children to look out of a school bus and see a brothel." He said, "Nevada needs to be known as the first place for innovation and investment - not as the last place where prostitution is still legal."

* He must not realize how much innovation has come out of the porn industry.

* Does he seriously believe that making prostitution illegal will get Nevadans back on their feet?

* But prostitutes are the only people left in Nevada who still have jobs!

* Children shouldn't look out of a school bus and see a brothel! They should see a casino!

* The definition of irony is a politician telling a prostitute to stop being such a whore.

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Thursday, February 24, 2011
She's No Girl Scout - Hersha Howard of Naples, Florida, is charged with aggravated battery and assault with a deadly weapon in a dispute over Girl Scout cookies. Police say Howard came into her roommate's bedroom and accused her of eating her Thin Mints. The woman said Howard's kids were up and hungry at 1 a.m., so she gave the cookies to them and offered to pay her $10. The two began arguing, then fighting. The roommate's husband pulled Howard off his wife, who fled the room. Howard allegedly followed her, threatening her with scissors, then hitting her with a board. The husband pulled her off again, and his wife fled the house, but Howard followed her out, picked up a sign and began hitting her with that.

* She was screaming, "You want Samoa?!..."

* It was a sign that somebody's been eating too much sugar.

* She'll get off thanks to her attorney's brilliant defense: "They were THIN MINTS."

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Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Trojan, Horse? - A Derby, Connecticut, man accused of sexually abusing a neighbor's horse certainly got the right lawyer. Even though the neighbor says he caught the man with his arm halfway up his horse's private parts, Ralph Crozier says the defendant denies "from the get-go" that he abused that horse. He says his client is "a mild, church-going man with no previous criminal involvement," and the case has been blown out of proportion. He insists, "If this was a guy and a sheep in Litchfield, and I've had a few of those cases, this would not have gotten nearly the media attention it has. But I guess because a horse is higher off the ground, it leaves a little more to the imagination."

* No, actually, that just gives you a better view.

* I think this guy's client needs to climb down off his high horse.

* When you have sex with horses, getting blown out of proportion is just part of the deal.

* If he's such a fine, upstanding citizen, how come nobody wants to shake his hand?

* He's trying to prove that molesting a horse isn't really that low, compared to being a lawyer.

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Tuesday,  February 22, 2011
Mama Mia! - You may claim that you have cool musical taste and love opera or Motown or progressive rock, but your body gives you away. Britain's Mindlab International Laboratory asked people what songs they liked most, then played those songs and others while measuring their brain activity and skin reactions to see which ones really excited them and improved their moods. The song that got the best reaction was the pop ballad "Greatest Day" by the UK boy band Take That, followed closely by ABBA's "Dancing Queen." The subjects had ranked those simplistic, feel-good pop tunes as being among their least favorite songs, but the brain and skin monitors revealed they were really their favorites.

* They have been outed as Dancing Queens.

* Also lighting up: the brain center for shame.

* The researchers were surprised that their brains functioned at all when those songs were on.

* When they played "Billy, Don't Be A Hero," their skin actually crawled.

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Monday, February 21, 2011
Silk Stalkings - Police in Shiremanstown, Pennsylvania, charged Rip Alan Swartz with harassment. They say that he would make random phone calls - sometimes more than 400 in a day - and try to get women to engage in sexually explicit conversations about pantyhose. They say he would call businesses all over the country, trying to get female employees to talk about pantyhose, and this has gone on for five years. Local reporters tried to reach Swartz by phone, but were unsuccessful.

* Did they try telling him they were wearing pantyhose?

* He really needs to get call waiting.

* His neighbors were shocked; they say he seemed like a real "No Nonsense" kinda guy.

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Friday, February 18, 2011

Hitting Bottom - In Sarasota, Florida, a homeless man was sent to jail on undisclosed charges following a court appearance. During a strip search, jailers noticed the end of a condom sticking out of his rectum. They removed it and found that it contained 30 items, including 17 blue pills, a cigarette, six matches, a flint, a lip balm container, an empty syringe with an eraser covering the needle point, an unused condom, a pharmacy receipt and a discount coupon. He's now facing extra charges of bringing drug and tobacco products into jail.

* His response: "Up yours!"

* The discount coupon was for Vaseline.

* If you can let your smile be your umbrella, then your butt can be your luggage rack.

* If he'd known he'd be staying over so long, he would've packed his hairdryer.

* That's where he keeps his receipts? I'm glad I'm not his tax preparer.

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Thursday, February 17, 2011
Erma Shave - The latest beauty secret of Hollywood starlets is that they're giving up laser hair removal and just shaving their faces like men. It's because new high-def digital cameras pick up the light fuzz that only razors can remove. The razor also exfoliates the face, leaving the skin looking smooth and young. Experts say it's nothing new: even Elizabeth Taylor and Marilyn Monroe used to shave. A dermatologist said that shaving doesn't make the hair grow back thicker or darker; that's "an old wives' tale.'

* Well, it grows back thicker and darker on old wives.

* That would explain why so many celebrity perfumes smell like Aqua Velva.

* The only star left who doesn't shave: Justin Bieber.

* If this keeps up, the only stars left in Hollywood with beards will be Tom Cruise and John Travolta.

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Wednesday, February 16, 2011
I've Got A Crush On You - New York's Bronx Zoo offered a unique Valentine’s Day gift: name a cockroach after your Valentine. Their ad copy read, "Flowers wilt. Chocolates melt. Roaches are forever." A $10 donation bought a certificate confirming that one of the zoo's Madagascar hissing cockroaches, the largest and noisiest roach in the world, is named after your significant other. Nearly a thousand sold the first day, but the zoo still had 57,000 more roaches to name.

* And the next day, they had 400,000.

* That means they actually had fewer roaches than any other place in the Bronx.

* If you give her this, every time she thinks of you, she'll think of a giant cockroach...Guaranteed!

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Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The Big Bang Theory - In Britain, the recession-born frugality still lingers. Debenhams department store reports that sales of sexy lingerie as Valentine gifts are far outstripping sales of expensive roses and chocolates. A spokeswoman said lingerie is less expensive, lasts longer, and provides "hours of fun after the rose petals have wilted." She said, "Lingerie is for love on a budget. It really is the gift that keeps giving," and it gives buyers a bigger "bang for their buck."

* Literally.

* Well, we are talking British couples, so don't expect that big a bang.

* It's cost-effective for an Englishman to give a woman lingerie because it's something they both can wear.

* Valentine roses are a rip-off, but lingerie is only a rip-off if you rip it off.

* If you're really concerned about money, don't think about how much you're paying per square inch of material.

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Monday, February 14, 2011
He Doesn't Have A Leg To Stand On - A quadriplegic man named Jose Martinez is suing Disneyland under the Americans With Disabilities Act. He says he was on the "It's A Small World" ride when it stalled, and he was stuck there for 40 minutes while staffers figured out how to remove him from the boat. Martinez claims they didn't have procedures in place for such a situation, which Disney denies, and that staffers should have called paramedics when his blood pressure spiked. He's seeking damages for liability, negligence and emotional distress.

* Also cruel and unusual punishment.

* Plus the cost of a lobotomy to get that song out of his head.

* Oh chill out!  Everybody's blood pressure spikes on that ride!

* Disney's attorneys say they're sorry he was inconvenienced, but hey...It's a world of laughter, a world of tears...

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Friday, February 11, 2011
Adult Swim - Candice Connor of New York City claimed that she bought two cartoon DVDs for her sons, ages 3 and 11, and was shocked when one turned out to be porn. It was labeled "Nickelodeon All-Stat Sports Day," featuring "Go, Diego, Do," but she says it was really "Bubble Butt Bonanza #17." Her 11-year-oldson told the Daily News, "I saw a Caucasian Lady and man, and they were naked. I was surprised. I was very disgusted." Connor says she is hiring a lawyer. A Toys R Us manager said they'd received no similar complaints.

* Apparently, all the other kids LOVE "Bubble Butt Bonanza."

* I don't know why her son was so disgusted. He LOVED "Bubble Butt Bonanza," Numbers 1 through 16.

* To be fair, the Caucasian lady on the video was saying, "Go, Diego, go!"

* The other DVD was "Dora The Explorer," and it showed her exploring her sexuality...She teamed up with a new cartoon character: "Spongebob Hotpants."

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Thursday, February 10, 2011

Hard To Swallow - Over the weekend, hundreds of skeptics around the world deliberately took drug overdoses. They were all homeopathic remedies, which are diluted to the point that maybe one molecule of the active ingredient remains. Proponents say that's enough to stimulate the body to heal itself, and they're always pushing for government and insurance coverage of homeopathic medicines. But skeptics say they're nothing but water, and Saturday, hundreds of them in 25 nations took megadoses of the medicines to prove it. Nobody suffered any ill effects, or any effects whatsoever. One skeptics group in West Virginia swallowed a million times the recommended dose of a homeopathic sleep remedy and not only didn't get sick or die, they didn't even get sleepy.

* Just bloaty.

* It did cure their thirst.

* Some of them wanted to take a nap, but they were too desperate to go pee.

* If I wanted a glass of water that costs as much as prescription medicine, I'd order a Perrier.

* They proved that homeopathic medical claims don't contain even one molecule of truth.

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Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Tutu Skinny - The Big Ballet, an all-female troupe for larger women, is suffering a shortage of fat ballerinas. The troupe was formed 13 years ago in Russia to challenge social norms and prove that bigger women could dance gracefully. Back then, you had to weigh at least 238 pounds to join, but now, they've had to lower the minimum weight to 210 pounds. They say the number of hopeful applicants has dropped significantly. They blame it on the worldwide success of healthy eating campaigns by celebrities, like chef Jamie Oliver.

* Or Michelle Obama, whose Super Bowl menu will have you at a slim 210 pounds in no time.

* My question: have they tried holding auditions in America?

* They don't have male dancers to lift them...Their insurer got tired of paying for all the hernias.

* To make it past the first audition, you have to eat a regular-sized ballerina.

* Their performances are like "The Black Swan," if it had been about penguins instead.

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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Next Time, Use The Hole In Your Head
- A house fire in Portland, Oregon, that did about $30,000 worth of damage reportedly started because residents were using a hole in the floor as an ashtray for their cigarettes. A fire department spokesman said if that's true, that's not careless smoking, "that's stupid smoking."

* People need to start smoking smart.

* Especially since they were using the basement to store their collection of gas cans.

* It completely ruined the hole in the floor that they were using for a toilet.

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Monday, February 7, 2011
A Womb With A View - The Corallium Spa on Gran Canaria in the Canary Islands is offering the ultimate nostalgia trip: "The Womb Room." Guests can return to the womb by entering a pink-carpeted passageway dubbed the "neck of the uterus." Inside, there are dim lights, pink carpeting splashed with red fabric, and blood red water beds designed to resemble the amniotic sac. "Breathy" music plays to simulate the sounds inside the womb, and the entire room slowly revolves to simulate a giant umbilical cord. A spokeswoman said if a guest is having trouble falling asleep, "The Womb Room could be the answer."

* It'll make you scream until you pass out.

* You sleep great until time is up, and then they grab you with tongs, drag you out headfirst and slap you on the butt.

* Most guys relax on vacation by only trying to return part of themselves to the womb.

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Friday, February 4, 2011
A New Wrinkle - A Valentine's Day survey of 1,000 American women by NPD Group found good news for the cosmetics and anti-aging industries. By a 91 to 9 percent margin, women said they would rather receive a lump sum gift of $1,000 cash than get free chocolates every week for five years. And the number one thing they would spend the money on was beauty and anti-aging products. It shows women are ready to spend money on their looks after scrimping through two years of recession. There's also good news for men: by a slightly less lopsided 73 to 27 percent margin, a majority of women said they'd rather have great sex every week for five years than free chocolate every week for five years.

* Well, except for one week out of every month.

* Would they settle for mediocre sex if I toss in a free Hershey bar?

* But only if the great sex is with Brad Pitt; otherwise, they'll take the chocolate.

* Charlie Sheen's girlfriends expect both sex and a lump sum cash payment.

* One warning: no matter what they say, if you give a woman anti-aging cream instead of chocolates for Valentine's Day, you will never have sex again.

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Thursday, February 3, 2011

Danger Zone
- China's state broadcaster, CCTV (Chine Central Television) is under scrutiny after they aired a news story about a People's Liberation Army Air Force training exercise illustrated with footage of a plane blowing up another plane with a missile. Sharp-eyed Internet surfers recognized the "news" footage as a clip from the 1986 Tom Cruise movie, "Top Gun." It's sparked a wave of mocking Internet posts by people who say they're fed up with CCTV's phony propaganda.

* CCTV insisted that it's not phony propaganda: Tom Cruise really is macho!

* We should know by now: the Chinese military will steal anything.

* Wait, so does this mean the Chinese Air Force didn't save Tokyo from Godzilla?

* There is also no truth to CCTV's claim that Chinese scientists have invented a Hot Tub Time Machine.

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Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Find A Good American Actor, Like Hugh Laurie! - Some comic book fans might be crying heresy over the casting for the upcoming reboot of the "Superman" movie franchise. The superhero who fights for "Truth, Justice and the American Way" will be played by British hunk Henry Cavill, best known for his role as Charles Brandon on Showtime's "The Tudors." The studio says they want to make Superman "as contemporary as possible," and Cavill has a "modern feel." With this casting, Brits have now taken over the big three American superhero roles, with a British Superman, a Welsh Batman (Christian Bale) and British-born Andrew Garfield as the new Spider-Man.

* He doesn't sling webs; he places them carefully on the backs of chairs like lace doilies.

* I still think it was a bad idea to cast Ricky Gervais as Captain America.

* Apparently, fighting evil is now a job that Americans just won't do.

* They all have muscles of steel and teeth of cork.

* For some reason, British actors are just more comfortable wearing tights and a cape.

* I say in retaliation, Adam Sandler should be the next James Bond.

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Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Fox News' Ratings Explained - An Indiana University study confirms what most people long suspected: men pay attention when hot women read the news on TV, but they're not paying attention to the news. Test subjects watched two taped newscasts: one with an attractive woman done up to look hot, in a sexy, cleavage-baring dress, and the other read by the same woman in a modest dress and no makeup. They were then tested on what they remembered from each newscast. The men watched the woman much more closely when she looked hot, but they remembered less of what she said.

* Probably because they preferred watching her with the sound off.

* On the bright side, they didn't really care what she said.

* This might explain why Fox News viewers score lower on current events tests.

* This is very disappointing for all the hot blond newsbabes, after they worked so hard to learn how to read.

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Monday, January 31, 2011
From The Makers Of "L'il Hooker" Playwear - WalMart will soon offer a line of makeup called GeoGirl for 8- to 12-year-olds. It includes a cleanser, mineral blush, eye shadow, lash mascara, face shimmer and more. They're described as "mother approved" cosmetics formulated for young skin, with natural ingredients, such as willow bark, chamomile, and antioxidants to prevent aging. They will replace the vacating Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen makeup line.

* And the now-defunct Roman Polanski makeup line.

* The target demographic for this makeup could be the Olsen Twins' daughters.

* Question: Do you really want to stop aging when you're 8 years old?

* Eight-year-olds don't need anti-aging makeup! They're already on Botox!

* By "mother-approved," they mean Lindsay Lohan's mother.

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Friday, January 28, 2011
But Try The Hakuna Tostada - The owner of Boca Tacos and Tequila restaurant in Tucson say he has scrapped plans to serve lion meat tacos after receiving at least 25 "direct threats" and "probably hundreds" of indirect threats.

* They can't blame those threats on Sarah Palin: she eats lions she shot herself.

* He also swears that "Cougar Taco Night" was just a singles event for women over 40.

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Thursday, January 27, 2011
"Very Realistic," Raves Drew Barrymore - MTV is standing by its new series "Skins," which shows young teens having sex, drinking and doing drugs, despite it losing two more sponsors, Subway and Schick, and sparking accusations that it's child porn. "Skins'" British creator Bryan Eisley defended it as a "very simple and in fact, rather old-fashioned television series...about the lives and loves of teenagers" and "how they get through high school."

* Or how Lindsay Lohan got through junior high.

* It's old fashioned because it shows the teenagers having sex with each other instead of their teachers.

* It's old fashioned, like "Leave It To Beaver"...which coincidentally, might be a better name for it.

* It's really very conservative...It's designed to promote home-schooling.

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Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Escort Me To The Bedroom - Hubert Blackman of New York is suing the Las Vegas Exclusive Personals escort service, claiming his call girl shortchanged him by not staying long enough. He claims he paid $155 to have a stripper visit his hotel room, plus $120 more to stay for another hour and perform a sex act on him. But when she left after just 30 minutes, he called the service to demand a refund. When they refused, he complained to the police, who threatened him with arrest. Blackman says he was unaware that prostitution is illegal in Vegas, and that the woman suggested the sex act. He called the whole experience a "tragic event," and is suing for his $275 back plus $1.8 million in damages.

* Good lord, how many times did he think he could have sex in that extra half an hour?!

* He assumed that if you could hire a woman to come to your room, get naked and slide down a pole, then prostitution must be legal.

* Come on, she was there for 30 minutes! That's long enough for most men to have sex 15 times!

* Prostitution is so illegal in Vegas that if you tell the cops you did it, they'll threaten you with arrest.

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Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Wonder Why He Has No Girlfriend? - As a biology experiment, University of Alberta ecology student Josh Le wore the same pair of jeans every day for 15 months without washing them. Sometimes, he even slept in them. He maintained his normal personal hygiene routine, and used paper towels to dab food spills off the jeans. Every two weeks, he would put the jeans in a freezer overnight, and he says there was never a trace of odor. At the end of 15 months, he tested the never-washed jeans found that bacteria levels were the same as on any other jeans he sampled.

* Off the charts!!

* The other jeans were his classmates', and they hadn't been washed in 15 months either.

* Okay, now explain why he also wore the same T-shirt for 15 months.

* His roommate wasn't that crazy about having them stored on top of his Popsicles.

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Monday, January 24, 2011
World’s Dumbest Non-Televised Bachelor - Last Saturday at around 3:20 a.m., an unidentified Canadian bachelor on Vancouver Island called police to complain that there was a naked woman in his bed. He told the cops that she entered his bedroom, disrobed, slid into bed next to him and fell asleep. Police arrived to find her still asleep and "quite intoxicated." She was taken into custody to sober up but not charged. Turned out she lived in the same building on another floor, she'd entered the wrong apartment, and for some unexplained reason, her key also fit the bachelor's door.

* He still hasn't changed the lock.

* An American bachelor wouldn't have called the cops; he just would've said, "Thank you, Jesus!"

* For most bachelors, having a drunken, naked woman just show up in your bed would be the greatest thing since Domino's invented home pizza delivery.

* I'm betting this is a "longtime, confirmed" bachelor.

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Friday, January 21, 2011

Pee Hard
- Japan leads the world in advanced toilet technology that even washes and perfumes your rear end. But now, they've taken it a step further by introducing urinal games. They're testing four games at pubs and arcades. All involve a pressure sensor to detect the urine so the player can control the game. They include "Splashing Battle," which lets men compete with the last user in stream strength; "Graffiti Eraser," which lets men move their urine stream to erase digital graffiti from a video screen; and what is likely to prove most popular, "The North Wind And The Sun And Me," in which the strength of the man's urine stream determines how high a virtual girl's skirt gets blown up by a digital wind.

* That one has really boosted beer sales.

* It teaches guys that nothing makes a woman lift her skirt like a guy with a strong urine stream.

* The fourth game is called "Shy Kidney"...The winner is the guy who stands there the longest.

* They held a tournament of champions, but the winner was disqualified for doping after he tested positive for Flomax.

* One question: These are played in the bathroom, right?

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Thursday, January 20, 2011
They Threw Themselves On The Barbies -
Australia has suffered devastating floods, but not everyone takes them seriously. Rescue workers had to scramble after a woman and man, both 19, tried to float down the flood-swollen Yarra River on two inflatable sex dolls. The woman ran into rough waters and lost hers, and the man stayed with her, the two of them clinging to a tree and his sex doll until help arrived. A police spokesman called their actions "stupid" and said blow-up sex dolls are "not recognized flotation devices." He added that the couple was fine, but "the fate of the inflatable dolls is unknown."

* Obviously, they're screwed.

* Somewhere down river, a lonely Australian lost his shack but found a sex doll, and called it even.

* It's a good thing for the woman that the man didn't have to choose which one to save.

* A sex doll is not a flotation device...A man might stay up for a few minutes, but after that, it deflates pretty quickly.

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Wednesday, January 19, 2011
To Be Resold In China - Candy Dynamics of Indianapolis announced a nationwide voluntary recall of a Pakistani-made line of candies called "Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge Chew Bars." One lot was found to exceed FDA limits on lead. There have been no reported illnesses, but the company is recalling all flavors of "Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge Chew Bars" shipped since 2007 "out of an abundance of caution."

* Because anyone who'd sell Pakistani-made candy named after toxic waste and nuclear sludge is all about caution.

* To comply with Truth In Advertising laws, they'll be relabeled "Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge With Lead."

* So Pakistanis grow up eating toxic waste candy with excess lead? That might explain the political situation.

* All buyers will be offered a free box of Crunchy Frogs.

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Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Web Of Conspiracy - Amid all the injuries and bad publicity, the Broadway musical "Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark" did pick up one high-profile fan. Controversial Fox News host Glenn Beck loved it so much, he urged fans to buy tickets now because it will sell out for years once it opens. He predicted it would be the 21st century "Phantom of the Opera" and said it would be worth donating a kidney to get a ticket.

* In fact, he predicts that under Obamacare, Americans will be forced to donate a kidney to get a ticket.

* You'll have to do that because a lot of the cast members may need new kidneys...While you're at it, donate blood for them, too.

* Then he set up a chalkboard and proved that the Green Goblin is secretly a communist.

* It would sell even more tickets if they called it, "Spider-Man: Fall Off The Stage."

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Monday, January 17, 2011 - Martin Luther King Jr. Day

Finally, A Use For A Discover Card! - Last Sunday in Witten, Germany, a customer who'd been ejected from a pub pulled a knife and stabbed the doorman four times in the chest. But he wasn't harmed because the knife struck his wallet in his breast pocket. It was stuffed with 20 plastic credit, debit and video rental cards, and the blade couldn't penetrate it. A police spokesman said he'd be dead if he didn't have so many cards. He added that everyone at the police station checked their own wallets, and nobody had 20 plastic cards.

* I guess cops aren't as good a credit risk as a pub doorman.

* With this guy's credit card bills, he was hoping the knife would kill him.

* Too bad; his only chance of every paying off all his credit card bills was to collect his life insurance.

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Friday, January 14, 2011

Giving Him The Bird - The Liberty Times reports that Wang Han-chin, an electrician from Taiwan, sued his neighbors for teaching their mynah bird to curse him because he complained to the police that they were too loud. Wang claimed that every time he leaves home, the talking bird calls out, "Clueless, big-mouthed idiot!" He said this distressed him so much, he lost concentration at work and suffered burns. A judge threw out his case, ruling that there was insufficient evidence linking the bird to his work injuries.

* Maybe he just keeps electrocuting himself because he's a clueless idiot.

* He should be glad the bird doesn't yell, "You big Wang!"

* The neighbors claim they didn't teach the bird that Wang is a clueless, big-mouthed idiot; he's just a really smart bird and figured it out on his own.

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Thursday, January 13, 2011
John Boehner Must Be Half Rabbit - A study by Britain's St. Andrews and Bristol Universities found that eating carrots makes you more attractive. They say that eating strongly colored fruits and vegetables like carrots and plums gives a yellow hue to the skin. They asked volunteers to rate 51 Scottish Caucasian faces and found that those who'd been eating carrots and similar foods had a yellowish glow that made them seem healthier and more attractive.

* Possibly because they're the only people in Scotland who aren't red and blotchy and eat nothing but haggis.

* This would explain why the hottest woman on TV right now is Snooki.

* For proof that eating carrots make you sexy, check out Bugs Bunny when he puts on a dress.

* If a man wants to be more attractive, he should get a great, big carrot and put in down the front of his pants.

* Yellowish skin makes you more attractive? So that's what Marge Simpson sees in Homer.

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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Card That Pays You Back - Kim, Khloe and Kourney Kardashian are probably sorry they ever put their names on a Kardashian debit MasterCard. They pulled out of the endorsement deal shortly after its launch, when the Connecticut Attorney General opened an investigation into claims that the card carried "outrageous" fees. Actually, they were similar to those of other prepaid cards. But the Kardashians said they'd worked "extremely long and hard " to create a positive public image that appeals to all ages and didn't want negative publicity. So they won't like this: the company that issued the card just filed suit against them for $75 million for breach of contract.

* Plus exorbitant late fees and a high rate of interest.

* They just called Visa to ask for a higher credit limit.

* It was no bigger a rip-off than other prepaid debit cards...The Lindsay Lohan Discover Card, the Snooki Visa...

* If nothing else, at least now we finally know what it is the Kardashians work at.

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Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Not A Happy Ending - Terry Allen Lester of Waseca, Minnesota, is facing up to ten years in prison and a $20,000 fine if he's convicted of trying to give his ex-girlfriend an exploding sex toy. He'd been staying with her and her roommate when the landlord forced him to leave. The women got suspicious of a bag he left behind and opened it. Inside, they found a container labeled "Christmas gift" that held a sex toy he'd allegedly modified to hold gunpowder and buckshot. Police believe he planned to give to her or one of two other women he'd had relationships with. All three had ended badly.

* If he can't tell the difference between a sex toy and a bomb, no wonder.

* They all dumped him because he couldn't give them explosive orgasms.

* They asked him to be more inventive in bed, and this is what he came up with.

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Monday, January 10, 2011

Worth Every Penny - In a victory for bare butts, a federal appeals court ruled that ABC does not have to pay a $1.2 million fine leveled by the FCC for showing curvaceous blonde Charlotte Ross's nude backside on a 2003 episode of "NYPD Blue" titled "Nude Awakenings." In the scene, Ross is about to shower when her boyfriend's young son walks in on her, and she's shown nude from behind, the side and the front, but with her hands covering her breasts and crotch. The ruling was decried by the FCC and the Parents Television Council, which said the 7-second scene was "intended to pander and titillate." But ABC said it was not indecent and was protected by the First Amendment.

* The Second Amendment gives you the right to bear arms, and the First gives you the right to bare ass.

* The PTC is right: you could almost see her titillates.

* They were never fined before, but that's because nobody found Dennis Franz's bare butt to be titillating.

* A TV show that panders and titillates?! This trend must be nipped in the bud!!

* That was "NYPD Blue's" 10th season...Didn't parents know not to let their kids watch it by then?

* Okay, now imagine what will happen if we let the FCC regulate the Internet!

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Friday, January 7, 2011
Too Big Love - The Daily Telegraph reports that polygamist Mian Ishaq was attending a wedding reception in Gujranwala, Pakistan, Monday with his third wife when his first and second wives suddenly arrived with their relatives. They began overturning tables and beating their husband with their shoes. They accused him of having a fourth wife in secret and planning to marry a fifth wife. Police arrived to escort the women out. Ishaq told them the accusations were "a blatant lie," adding, "I am willing to swear on my life that I only have three wives."

* Three wives too many!

* The other two women are just his mistresses.

* Trust him, the last thing he wants is two more wives.

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Thursday, January 6, 2011
Blow Out - A driver in Cumberland County, Pennsylvania, caused a minor car crash after he stopped suddenly when he thought he saw a person lying in the road. It turned out to be an inflatable sex doll. Nobody was injured, but the man who slammed on the brakes was rear-ended.

* From the looks of her, so was the sex doll.

* But it was worth it because, hey: Free sex doll!

* On second look, it wasn't an inflatable sex doll, it was Heidi Montag.

* Police let him off on condition that he get a bumper sticker warning, "I brake for inflatable sex dolls."

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Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The Only Way She'll Ever Get Crabs - Carolee Bildsten of Gurnee, Illinois, made national headlines after she allegedly threatened to hit a police officer with a female sex toy when he was investigating a claim that she'd run out on a check at Joe's Crab Shack. Last week, she failed to show up for her arraignment. She was rearrested and had to post $10,000 bond, and her court date was rescheduled for January 14th.

* That's 9 days away. What will she do with herself between now and then?

* She had to do something like this, just when the buzz had died down.

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Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Blame Canada! - Wal-Mart yanked a Canadian-produced CD from its shelves after some parents in South Bend, Indiana, got it as a gift for their son and complained. It's called "Kids' Favorites" and has a photo of four children on the cover. It also has two tracks called "Ugly" and "Pump It" that are filled with profanity. Wal-Mart is investigating and encourages any upset parents to return the "Kids' Favorites" CD for a refund.

* What if they're upset because those aren't their kids' favorite profanities?

* Ironically, those two tracks are the kids' favorites.

* Look closely: one of those "four children" on the cover is L'il Wayne.

* This was Justin Bieber's first album, back when he wanted to be a rapper.


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