Comedy Wire - Joke Of The Day

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Thursday, May 6, 2010
Yes, She's A Donor - Peruvian mom Julia Manihuari's post-pregnancy hormones made her breasts balloon to an N-cup, so big and heavy she couldn't get up out of bed or breathe. They were threatening to crush her lungs. After a six-hour operation, surgeons removed 35 pounds of flesh from her breasts. She's now a 34B and able to get out of bed again.

* Before, her husband wouldn't let her out of bed.

* Doctors called the operation a success, while her husband called it a soul-crushing tragedy.

* Heidi Montag would've demanded size N implants, if she'd known the alphabet went that far.

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Wednesday, May 5, 2010 - Cinco de Mayo!
Mother's Little Helper - Police in Memphis, Tennessee, arrested a 28-year-old man for allegedly stealing prescription antidepressants from his mother's bra. Police said they found him hiding under a neighbor's SUV with 22 Xanax pills, 15 of them wrapped in toilet paper in his sock. His mom told police she woke up before dawn to find her son stealing the Xanax from her bra, where she kept it to keep him from stealing it.

* Well, at least he said that's what he was doing with her bra...

* For the love of God, please tell me she had the bra in her drawer and wasn't wearing it at the time.

* Something tells me this kid is the main reason she needs Xanax.

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Tuesday, May 4, 2010
"Get! Off! My! PLANE!!" - At a Capitol Hill aviation event, Harrison Ford said he's an environmental activist but also a pilot, and he's sick of environmentalists accusing him of destroying the planet because he owns seven airplanes. Ford pointed out he only flies one of them at a time. He added, "I'll start walking everywhere when they start walking everywhere."

* Or in Al Gore's case, walking at all.

* If anyone could fly seven planes at once, it's Harrison Ford.

* He has one aircraft that's a hunk of junk, but it once made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.

* Why are so many environmentalists from L.A., where nobody walks?

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Monday, May 3, 2010
Mike Tyson's Sister - An unnamed 24-year-old Lincoln, Nebraska, man learned a painful lesson in manners. Police say he was arguing with some people at a party when he told 21-year-old Anna Godfrey that she was fat. She allegedly responded by tackling him and biting a chunk out of his right ear. Godfrey was arrested on suspicion of felony assault. The man was taken to a hospital. The ear chunk was never found.

* But the fat girl described it as "delicious."

* Biting chunks out of obnoxious people is how she got so fat.

* He learned never to say, "You want a piece of me?" to a fat girl.

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Friday, April 30, 2010
AC/DC - A woman in Crestview, Florida, called 911 to report that her estranged husband had gotten drunk, removed an air conditioner from her bedroom window, climbed in and was demanding sex. The couple had been separated for four days. He allegedly told police that he had "not gotten any in three weeks, and he was going to get some." He was handcuffed and taken to jail.

* ...where he got some.

* Hard to imagine how she could give up a guy that charming.

* The only way this guy can make a woman hot is to remove her air conditioner.

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Thursday, April 29, 2010
They Flopped - Another modern technological advance is about to become as obsolete as dial phones. Sony announced that they will no longer sell floppy discs after next March. Apple already stopped putting floppy drives in computers in 1998, and PC World stopped selling floppies in 2007. Floppy discs have been around for 30 years and were once considered amazing because they held over 1.4 megabytes of information. Today, a small flash drive can hold 64 gigabytes.

* Which, by next March, will just be pathetic.

* But if computers don't have floppy drives, how can I access my catalog of 8-track tapes?

* Today, everyone has the capacity to store trillions of words, but nobody has anything interesting to say.

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Wednesday, April 28, 2010
After 24, They Just Stop Caring - UKDating.com polled its British female members and found that the average woman will date 24 men before finding the right one. And the search isn't cheap. Men are still likely to pick up the tab for dinner, but most women insist on going Dutch on the first date. Between that and hair, new clothes, makeup, fake tan and other expenses, a woman spends an average of $127 per date with an average of 24 men. It totals over $3,000 just to go out with on dates with guys she'll reject.

* So at least pick a restaurant you really like.

* That doesn't include all the wart remover they have to buy after kissing so many toads.

* $3,000 worth of hair dye, makeup, Wonderbras and fake tans, all to find that special man who'll love them for themselves.

* The 24 men spend a total of $144 on condoms they never use.

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Tuesday, April 27, 2010
La Cage Aux Fool - A lot of gay politicians have pretended to be straight to help their careers, but in Pennsylvania's 182nd House District, incumbent Democrat Rep. Babette Josephs accused her primary opponent, Gregg Kravitz, of lying about being bisexual to appeal to the large local gay and bisexual voting bloc. She told a crowd, "I outed him as a straight person, and now he goes around telling people, quote, 'I swing both ways.'" Kravitz insisted that he is attracted to both men and women, and called the attack offensive. But one local gay rights leader said in an odd way, it might be considered progress if someone has to pretend to be gay to win a Congressional seat.

* Is that progress, or the plot from an Adam Sandler movie?

* Maybe Kravitz could prove he's bisexual to every voter, one at a time, or in threesomes.

* I'd just like to have a representative who's straight, as in "not a criminal."

* In politics, swinging both ways is known as "flip-flopping."

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Monday, April 26, 2010
The Gayest Gays You've Ever Seen Are In Seattle... - Three bisexual men are suing the North American Gay Amateur Athletic Alliance for discrimination. They all played for the second place team in the 2008 Gay Softball World Series in Seattle. But the rules say no team can have more than two non-gay members. After the Series, they were each interrogated about their sex lives in front of about 25 people and found to be not gay enough. They were declared "non-gay," their team stripped of its prize, and it was recommended that they be banned from the Series for a year. They say the ruling violates Washington's discrimination laws, and they want it overturned and $75,000 each for their emotional distress.

* If that's all the emotional distress they felt, how gay could they be?

* The officials say it's against the rules for one player to play for both teams.

* That wasn't an interrogation about their sex lives; it was the post-game locker room show.

* Boy, who do you have to sleep with to prove to these people you're gay?

* Obama wanted to throw out the first pitch, but they decided his throw was "too gay."

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Friday, April 23, 2010
Where Is The Love? - Courtney Love isn't Courtney Love anymore. She told NME magazine, "Courtney Love is dead. We've all decided we don't like her anymore. We love her when she goes onstage, but I don't need her in the rest of my life." The Hole singer said she wants to be called Courtney Michelle from now on, a shortened form of her real name, Courtney Michelle Harrison. She said, "The name Courtney Love is a way to oppress me."

* And yet, she still calls her band "Hole."

* And the name Courtney Michelle is a way to free her...from creditors.

* Also oppressed: Jennifer Love Hewitt.

* Amy Winehouse is taking over the name Courtney Love, because it will improve her image.

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Thursday, April 22, 2010
I'm Sorry You're So Neurotic - When a woman demands an apology, you'd better give it to her, or she might die. A University of Massachusetts Medical School study found that women who think they're owed an apology for rude or hurtful behavior can suffer an increase in blood pressure that could raise the risk of heart attack or stroke. But when they hear an "I'm sorry," their blood pressure drops to normal 20 percent faster. On the other hand, when men hear an apology, they take it as an admission of guilt, it gets them more worked up, and it takes their blood pressure 20 percent longer to get back to normal.

* What makes men feel better is punching whoever apologized.

* Men's blood pressure also goes up when they hear themselves giving an apology they don't mean to some woman who demanded it.

* So if you really loved your wife, you'd just apologize for everything, all day long.

* If you don't give a woman an apology, she'll find a way to give you a stroke.

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Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The Soylent Green Cookbook - Australia's Penguin Group publishing company had to recall and shred 7,000 copies of a cookbook called "Pasta Bible." The recipe for spelt tagliatelle with sardines and prociutto was supposed to call for "salt and freshly-ground black pepper," but it mistakenly reads "freshly-ground black people." The publisher said it was obviously just a silly typo in one recipe, and they have no idea why anyone would be offended by it, but if you are, they'll give you another book.

* "The Idi Amin Cookbook."

* Jesse Jackson wants another book and a billion dollars.

* Given the choice, I'd eat the ground people before I'd eat the sardines.

* They did catch one other typo: the recipe should have called for "one pound prosciutto," not to "pound one prostitute."

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Tuesday, April 20, 2010
That Panel Is Out Of Its Tree - 64-year-old British handyman Peter Aspinaall was asked to prune a sycamore tree on the grounds of a hotel in Lancashire. So he leaned a ladder against a branch 14 feet above the ground...and then sawed off the branch. He was in the hospital for two weeks. He's now suing the hotel after a health and safety panel ruled that they failed to carry out a proper risk assessment on the dangers of pruning trees and should have given Aspinall proper training on where to lean the ladder.

* What should they have done? Shown him a Mr. Bean video?

* Well, they trained him on oaks, maples and larch trees, but not sycamores.

* The panel ruled that it wasn't Aspinall's fault: he's a victim of soicumstance!

* He learned about tree trimming from Warner Brothers cartoons, so he assumed the branch would stay up and the tree would fall.

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Monday, April 19, 2010
When Does Miley Cyrus Turn 18? - Talk show host Larry King has filed for divorce from his 50-year-old singer wife, Shawn Southwick. Both are citing irreconcilable differences. This is King's eighth divorce but only his seventh wife. He once remarried one of his former wives, then divorced her again.

* He forgot he'd already been married to her.

* That was so long ago, there were only three women on Earth, and he'd already married all of them once.

* He marries women when they're 18, then divorces them when they reach 50.

* They're just from two different eras...She's from the disco era, he's from the Mesozoic Era.

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Friday, April 16, 2010
Wooly Bullies - Taser International is reportedly doing experiments to see if Tasering people who are high on drugs can give them heart attacks. To find out, lab researchers are giving meth to sheep, then Tasering them.

* Actually, that's not part of the experiment; that's just what lab researchers do on Saturday night.

* Usually, they just give the sheep roofies.

* After the sheep were zapped, one researcher said, "What's that burning smell?" and the other said, "Mutton, honey."

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Thursday, April 15, 2010
Don't See Me, Feel Me... - Canadian author Lisa Murphy has created aa new publishing market: porn for blind people. Playboy has an edition for the blind with the articles in Braille, but no photos. But Murphy's new book, "Tactile Minds," features 17 raised, 3D erotic images, including a "male love robot," a woman with "perfect breasts" and a naked woman in a "disco pose." She says "the blind have been left out in a culture saturated with sexual images," but now they can feel the photos in her book. But it'll cost them $225 a copy.

* $225?! For that, you can get a real live person to let you feel them!

* This gives new meaning to the term, "Pop-up book."

* Not only do blind people not have porn, they never even get to have sex with the lights on.

* When I heard the Octomom had been offered a porn contract, I figured that would be the first porn for blind people.

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Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Isn't That A Speed Metal Band? - In the "Twilight" movies, Bella quotes Emily Bronte's classic novel "Wuthering Heights," and compares her love for teen vampire Edward to Cathy's passion for Heathcliff. It sparked a British publisher to market a version of "Wuthering Heights" that read "Bella & Edward's favorite book" on the cover. In one year, sales quadrupled.

* But a lot of the books were returned once "Twilight" fans realized it was literature.

* Teenage girls thought "Emily Bronte" was Miley Cyrus' pen name.

* The readers got frustrated when Heathcliff kept going out onto the moors, but he never turned into a werewolf.

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Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Audrey's "Personality" Wasn't Big Enough - A poll by the British magazine Radio Times showed the difference between men and women. Asked to pick the greatest female film roles of all time, men ranked Ursula Andress in her white bikini in "Dr. No" as #1, followed by Sigourney Weaver in her underwear in "Alien" and Carrie Fisher in the gold bikini in "Star Wars." For their #1, British women picked Audrey Hepburn in "Breakfast at Tiffany's," followed by Julie Andrews in "The Sound of Music," and at #3, Julie Andrews again in "Mary Poppins."

* I think this explains why so British men have such disappointing sex lives.

* The only Julie Andrews movie men could remember was the one where she showed her boobs.

* Men tend to confuse roles with costumes.

* Also, men would have given Halle Berry her Oscar for the topless scene in "Swordfish."

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Monday, April 12, 2010
Nose Job - Scientists at Calgary University in Canada found that frequent sex can boost a woman's sense of smell. Possibly because it releases a hormone that helps women bond with their babies by smell.

* Unfortunately, once they have a keener sense of smell, they get a lot pickier about which men they'll have sex with.

* Once they can really smell those diapers, they vow never to have sex again.

* Question: What do scientists know about about women who have frequent sex?

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Friday, April 9, 2010
She Went Out For A Ride And Never Came Back - Arthur and Ann Kelly of New Jersey officially ended their marriage Tuesday, turning the divorce terms over to an arbitrator, after Bruce Springsteen allegedly came between them. Arthur is a high-paid mortgage broker and Ann is a 45-year-old mother of two who works out at the same posh gym Springsteen uses. Although this has never been officially confirmed, the Kellys claim that Ann became the married rocker's mistress after Bruce reportedly told her she had the "nicest ass" in the gym.

* In her defense, what 45-year-old mother of two wouldn't find that line irresistible?

* She just did whatever he asked...After all, he's the Boss.

* Arthur got suspicious when every time they had sex, at the peak of passion, she'd cry out, "Brooooooooooooce!!!"

* If this guy's from New Jersey, I'm surprised he didn't brag about it to all his friends..."Guess what! The Boss is doin' MY wife! High five!"

* Usually, when a New Jersey marriage breaks up, it's because the man is too much in love with Bruce Springsteen.

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Thursday, April 8, 2010
Old Sensations - The latest trend in porn is X-rated parodies of old TV sitcoms like "The Brady Bunch," but the most unlikely one yet is on the way. New Sensations video announced that it has signed Puma Suede, Diamond Foxxx and two other porn actresses to star in "The Golden Girls: An All-MILF XXX Parody."

* Or in this case, great-grand-MILFs.

* "Bea Arthur" is really Ron Jeremy in a wig and caftan.

* You won't believe what Blanche does with the cheesecake in this version.

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Wednesday, April 7, 2010
A Nip In The Air - Saturday in Portland, Maine, about two dozen women marched through town topless to protest the double standard on nudity. The small group of protesters was followed by hundreds of men, many with cameras to record it for posterity. Ironically, police say nobody was arrested because in Maine, the anti-nudity law only applies to people who show their genitals, which means that legally, there is no difference between men and woman going topless.

* But realistically, the difference is that if two dozen shirtless men walked through town, hundreds of women wouldn't bother to take pictures.

* So thanks to the early April chill in Maine, the protest was pointy, but pointless.

* The only thing this proved is that there are no tanning beds in Maine.

* The men came out to show support for women going without support.

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Tuesday, April 6, 2010
He'll Do Hard Time For This - Police in Madrid, Spain, detained a 43-year-old man who is suspected of robbing 10 pharmacies at gunpoint. They say in each robbery, he took all the cash in the register and every box of Viagra in the store. They suspect he planned to sell them on the black market.

* If not, it should be obvious at the police line-up.

* Oh come on! He's a 43-year-old Spaniard!

* He gives new meaning to the name, "Stick-Up Man."

* His lawyer is arguing that that was NOT a gun in his pocket.

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Monday, April 5, 2010
Jersey Shore: Season II - Police in South Brunswick, New Jersey, are looking for a man who loves his Filet O' Fish sandwiches a bit too much. They say he ordered one at 4:30 a.m. He got impatient that it was taking too long to make and crawled out of his car window and into the drive-thru window. He yelled at the clerk, shoved him against the wall and slapped his face. He then grabbed his fish sandwich, told the clerk, "I'll be waiting for you when you get off work," walked out and drove away. Despite his threat, he never came back.

* He must've finally tasted that fish sandwich.

* I think we've found the one guy on Earth who goes to McDonald's just for the fish sandwich.

* So much for fish being brain food.

* Did he ever consider that the guys who work there at 4:30 a.m. had never made a fish sandwich before?

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Friday, April 2, 2010 - Good Friday! Happy Easter!
A Los Angeles judge ruled that a man who has been stalking Ben Affleck and wife Jennifer Garner is legally insane...At least he is when he's stalking Ben Affleck.

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Thursday, April 1, 2010 - April Fool Story!
He IS...The Weakest Link - Bristol Palin's baby daddy Levi Johnston is trying to extend his 15 minutes of fame by pitching his own reality show to compete with Sarah Palin's that shows the natural beauty of Alaska. Radar Online says the pitch for "Levi Johnston's Last Frontier" says it will show "one of the world's most famous teenagers" hunting and engaging in "adrenaline activities" with his friends, like riding "pimped-out snow machines" powered by jet fuel. The producer describes it as "'Jersey Shore' on ice." His previous credits include "The Weakest Link."

* This should be called "The Weakest Dink."

* Levi is more like "The Missing Link."

* If Levi Johnston would ride on the edge of an Alaskan cliff on a snowmobile full of jet fuel, that I would watch.

* It's like someone watched "Jersey Shore" and said, "This needs even more tanning beds and even less class."

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Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Why Does This Tequila Taste Like Lone Star Beer? - Mike "Fat Mike" Burkett of the punk band NOFX has been permanently banned from Emo's club in Austin. Burkett was dressed as his character, Cokie the Clown, at a Southwest Music Festival showcase. He pulled out a bottle of tequila, poured some shots, drank some himself, then shared it with the crowd. He then showed them a video of himself just before the show, urinating into the bottle. The crowd laughed hysterically, but the health department didn't. They're investigating now. Burkett says he checked beforehand to make sure urine wasn't classified as a biohazard.

* And it wasn't...except for his.

* I'm pretty sure urine that comes from anyone named "Cokie the Clown" is a biohazard.

* This proves that when you're drunk enough, you'll laugh hysterically at anything.

* The crowd would've been a lot more upset if it hadn't tasted better than the tequila they usually serve.

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Tuesday, March 30, 2010
You Can't Beat Your Meat In Public - Anthony Coffman of Edinburgh, Indiana, was arrested last week for what police called a "meat massacre." They say he entered the Jay C Food Store with a knife and started stabbing meat packages and throwing open containers of raw beef on the floor, then poured dog food over it to contaminate it so it couldn't be sold. Employees tackled him, and police arrived to find meat scattered everywhere. They say he's a vegetarian who gets upset when anyone eats meat; and just before the attack, he'd gotten into a fight with his grandmother who was making a pot roast. Police said, "He thought if he could save one chubby girl, he's done his job."

* Now, he could go to jail, where he'll be considered "the chubby girl."

* News flash: the chubby girls were all over in the Sara Lee aisle.

* Ironically, what his grandmother does to a pot roast would enrage most meat lovers, too.

* He hates meat because pouring dog food over raw beef is his grandmother's pot roast recipe.