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By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth

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by Pat Reeder and Laura Ainsworth


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By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Gas Prices Just Keep Rising - Newsweek has released its annual Power List, ranking the highest-paid public figures with political influence in America. Conservative talk show hosts topped the list. Rush Limbaugh was #1 with estimated earnings of nearly $59 million a year, followed by Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly. Jon Stewart made it to #5, but Sarah Palin was right behind at #6. President Obama came in 20th, right behind Bill Maher.

* Well, Bill Maher has more executive experience.

* Glenn Beck may be #2, but his Fox contract requires them to pay him in gold doubloons.

* At least now we know where ALL the money that's in radio goes.

* Proving once again that the problem with socialism is that there's just no money in it.

Conservative Nightmare - Hillary Clinton insisted over the weekend that she has no intention at all of running for President in 2012 or 2016. But at the time, she had not heard the results of a poll taken the day after last week's elections by Newsmax and Survey USA. It found that if there were an election today and she and Barack Obama were the only names on the ballot, she would trounce him by 20 points.

* That's funny, her own private polls say she'd trounce him by 30 points.

* If the election were held today and the only names on it were Obama and Hillary, 10 percent of Americans would pick Obama, 30 percent would pick Hillary, and 60 percent would kill themselves.

* If the 2012 election were held today, 100 percent of Americans would be extremely confused.

* But Hillary says she has no intention at all of running for President, and this time, she totally means it.

Crap: It's What's For Dinner - Kansas State University Prof. Mark Haub thinks it's unrealistic to expect dieters to give up all junk food, and he wanted to prove his theory that what matters in weight loss is calories. So he went on what he calls "The Convenience Store Diet." He ate only 1800 calories a day, but in the form of things like Little Debbie cakes, Twinkies, donuts, Doritos, Oreos, Corn Pops cereal and Diet Mountain Dew, with nutritional supplement pills. After ten weeks, his fatty triglycerides were down 39 percent, his good cholesterol was up 20 percent, his bad cholesterol was down 20 percent, and he'd lost 27 pounds. Now, Haub says he's frustrated because he wishes he could say that eating like this is unhealthy and irresponsible, but the data doesn't say that.

* Also, it's hard for him for say anything, now that all his teeth have rotted away.

* One problem: with some Little Debbie products, 1800 calories is about two bites.

* This would explain why convenience store clerks are always have such perfect, toned bodies. * I could never eat like that...DIET Mountain Dew?!

* I think you'd need more protein for a balanced diet...Where's the beef jerky?

Call Of Nature - The Guardian newspaper reports that British health officials are trying to develop a cell phone app that will let people pee on their phones and find out if they have an STD. The UK Clinical Research Collaboration has invested $6 million (US) into creating a smartphone app that will let users put urine or saliva on a computer chip, plug it into their phone, and get a diagnosis within minutes. They say it's aimed at turning mobile phones into mobile doctors for young people who are suffering rising rates of STDs from hooking up but are too squeamish to see a doctor.

* Yet they're willing to keep using a mobile phone they've peed on.

* And seriously, do NOT pee on your cell phone while driving.

* Question: if it works with saliva, why would anyone want to pee on it instead?

* This may not stop the spread of STDs, but at least it will stop people from borrowing each other's cell phones.

He Wanted To Show Off His Full Body Tattoos - surveyed human resources professionals to ask what was the most inappropriate clothing they'd ever seen job applicants wear to an interview. Some went the too-sexy route and showed up in tube tops, low-cut blouses or low-rise pants. Others pulled things out of back of the closet, like Goth wear or 1980s acid wash jeans and jumpsuits. Some showed off their athletic interests by wearing yoga outfits, baseball caps or exercise sweats. Casual types came in Hawaiian shirts, Bermuda shorts and flip-flops. Some free spirits had blur or green hair. And one of the most memorable applicants arrived for the interview wearing a leather vest with no shirt.

* That only works if you're applying to be lead singer in a Led Zeppelin cover band.

* After two years of unemployment, he'd lost his shirt.

* He might've gotten away with it if he's also worn pants.

* The moral: If you want to get a job, don't show up for the interview in a low-cut blouse, unless you look really good in it.

* This is unbelievable! Where did they find companies that are doing JOB INTERVIEWS?!

More Like Protective Custody - Police in Kettering, Ohio, were called to investigate a 19-year-old male who was bleeding from the nose and acting strangely. They say he was drunk and so upset with himself for cheating on his girlfriend, he was walking around screaming at himself and punching himself in the face for what he'd done. He was arrested for public intoxication.

* (CAREFUL!) Luckily, the next morning, he sobered up and had make-up sex with himself.

* He's such a considerate boyfriend, he just wanted to save her the trouble.

* He figured it would be better for him to beat himself up than for her to do it because he hits like a girl.

Pole Taker - Police in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, are searching for a burglar who broke into the Fifth Wheel adult store last Friday. The police captain says the culprit got away with "an array of adult items," but he released no details on what they were except for one: a Carmen Electra brand stripper pole. He said he notified the public about the pole because it's so large that someone might spot it and help solve the crime.

* So if you see someone rubbing her crotch on a stolen stripper pole, don't just let it slide.

* They're hoping to find the sex toy thief by listening for the buzz on the street.

* That is a large pole...Carmen likes her poles big.

* The thief also took three boxes of KY lubricants and gave the cops the slip.

"I'll Kill You As Soon As I Can Stand Up!" - Dwan Koonce of North Plainfield, New Jersey, was indicted on burglary and other charges after he allegedly broke into a woman's house and robbed her at knifepoint when she accidentally walked in on him. He broke in overnight, but he was still there when she woke up the next morning. She surprised him sitting at her computer, engrossed in Internet porn.

* He said, "This is a stick up!" and she said, "I can see that."

* This is why people should never look at Internet porn while they're at work.

* His lawyer is arguing that that was not a knife in his pocket, he was just glad to see her.

Busted By The Fashion Police - 22-year-old Kyle James Eckman of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, was arrested for allegedly shoplifting a pair of $70 shoes from a Kohl's department store. Police say he put them on in the men's fitting room and wore them out of the store while hiding his own shoes in his shopping bag. They were still easy to spot, though, since they were women's high heels. Because of two prior theft convictions, he's charged with felony theft. He also allegedly gave police a false name.

* ..."Loretta."

* ..."Carrie Bradshaw."

* ..."Manolo Blahnick."

* His lawyer claims he'll walk...Not very steadily, but he'll walk.

The Halloween Pants Arsonist Strikes Again! - Two boys, ages 13 and 10, from Kraubath, Austria, pulled a very poorly thought-out Halloween prank. First, they poured gasoline down a playground slide and set it on fire. Then they panicked, and one of the boys tried to smother the fire by sliding down the slide. That set his pants and underwear on fire and gave him second-degree burns. They were afraid to tell the truth, so they told police they'd been attacked by masked muggers. The police eventually figured it out, and now their parents have to pay for the damages.

* The cops knew they were liars because their pants were actually on fire.

* Once you lie to the police, it's a slippery slope.

* I thought only older girls went around on Halloween in hot pants.

* The one who slid down the slide is just praying that he doesn't get a spanking.

The Rasta Hit On Smurfette - Police in Greenock, Scotland, are searching for a Smurf who beat up a 21-year-old Rastafarian in a nightclub last Sunday night. Both were wearing Halloween costumes. The Rasta needed stitches in his face. A detective said, "This is the first time in 30 years in the police force that I have been looking for a Smurf. We are treating this very seriously."

* And then, he broke out giggling.

* If convicted, he'll be sentenced to perform community service with Blue Man Group.

* On the bright side, the injured Rastafarian now qualifies for medical marijuana.

Right Next Door To The Sean Penn Anger Management School - After years of excuses and denials, Dina Lohan finally admitted on the "Today" show that her daughter Lindsay is an addict. But after only six weeks at the Betty Ford Center, Dina says that Lindsay is now "a different person" and her life has been changed. In fact, she said Lindsay is so impressed with the Betty Ford Center, she wants to help other people by starting her own Lindsay Lohan Rehab Clinic.

* The only rehab clinic with an actual revolving door!

* It'll be just like the Betty Ford Center, only every room will have a wet bar.

* Lindsay cares so much, she'll be there in person to confiscate every patient's drugs.

* People will love it so much, they'll come back again and again!

* The Lindsay Lohan Rehab Clinic is where women will end up after they attend the Liza Minnelli Marriage Seminar.

VIDEO LINK! Conan O'Brien's American Express commercial:


What A Typical Day Is Like For Lindsay Lohan - On this day in 1965, the Great Blackout occurred, when several Northeastern states and parts of Canada were plunged into darkness by 13-1/2 hours of power failures.

* And that's where Generation X came from.

* New Hampshire didn't notice because they turn off the lights at 6 p.m. anyway.

Another Dark Day - One year later on the same date, in 1966, John Lennon met Yoko Ono at an exhibit of her art in London.

* Odd, I would've guessed that he'd met her during a blackout.

Now's Ze Time Ven Ve Dance! - On this day in 1989, East Germany finally opened its borders, and young East Germans danced on top of the Berlin Wall.

* They danced so badly, West Germany considered closing its borders again.

* Arizona wants to know how much they'd charge for a secondhand border wall.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Whitey-N-Pepa - Nikki Blonsky (22), Vanessa Mannillo (30), Sisqo (32), Nick Lachey (37), rapper Pepa of Salt-N-Pepa (41), Whitey Herzog (79), and Lou "The Incredible Hulk" Ferrigno (58).

* But don't tease him about his age! You wouldn't like him when he's mad!

Happy 235th Birthday to the U.S. Marine Corps!

Brought To You By The Number 69 - On this day in 1969, "Sesame Street" deebuted.

* Officially making Bert and Ernie's the longest gay marriage on record.

It Was A Fundraiser To Save The Penguins - On this day in 1886, the first dinner jacket was worn by its creator at a ball at the Tuxedo Park Country Club in New York.

* And everybody thought he was a waiter.

"Say It, Don't Spray It!" - On this day in 1871, explorer Henry M. Stanley found the missing Scottish missionary David Livingstone in central Africa and uttered those now-famous words, "Dr. Livingstone, I presume?"

* To which Dr. Livingstone gave his equally famous reply: "Wazzzzup?!"

* He recognized Dr. Livingstone's face from the milk carton.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
That's Not Powdered Sugar On Mackenzie's Cake - Heather Matarazzo (28), Eve (32), Mackenzie Phillips (51), Sinbad (54), Ann Reinking (61), Greg Lake (63), Donna Fargo (65), Tim Rice (66), Ennio Morricone (82), and Russell Johnson of "Gilligan's Island" (86). TRIVIA: The Professor's seldom-used name was Roy Hinkley, and Johnson once noted that he was so brilliant he apparently knew everything except how to fix the hole in the boat.

* Are we sure his real name wasn't "Barack Obama?"



By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Friday, November 20, 2009

Does This Mean Gayle Has To Get A Job? - It's the end of an era: Oprah Winfrey will announce today that she will quit her daytime syndicated talk show after 25 years. The last episode will be September 9, 2011. She hasn't yet revealed what she plans to do, but she'll still have her magazine and website, and she's expected to do something on her OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) cable channel, but it reportedly won't be exactly like her current show.

* It'll mostly just be Oprah lying in bed and eating pudding.

* She plans to broadcast it from Air Force One.

* (CAREFUL!) Once she's on cable, she can reveal that Oprah's REAL Favorite Things are Quaaludes and bondage.

* But what will her fans do without Oprah to tell them what to eat and what to wear and what their excrement should look like?!

* Oprah's show will be replaced by Dr. Oz's new show, "Name That Poop."

That Should Raise Some Eyebrows - The Senate health care reform bill is 2,074 pages, which is even longer than the House bill. It also has a number of controversial elements, such as over $800 billion in Medicare cuts; abortion coverage; hundreds of billions of dollars in new taxes and fees, including fees on makers of medical devices like wheelchairs and prosthetic limbs; and the part that will get the most publicity, the "Botox tax." It's a proposed 5 percent tax on all elective, cosmetic surgery. The CBO estimates that it will bring in $5 billion over the next 10 years.

* From Cher alone.

* Yet another thing that Nancy Pelosi will make sure Congress is exempt from.

* And THIS is the exact moment when Hollywood fell out of love with Barack Obama.

* Sure, your wheelchair will cost more, but don't worry, Medicare will cover...oh, wait...

Bend Over And Drop Your Pants - Some eye-popping polls came out yesterday. A Quinnipiac poll of registered voters found that only 35 percent support Obamacare, while a Fox News poll of likely voters has support at just 40 percent. But the same Fox poll found that despite all the media ridicule of her, Sarah Palin's favorable rating has steadily risen from the mid-20s to 47 percent. That means Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid have to convince worried Democrats to pass a health care bill that's considerably less popular with voters than Sarah Palin.

* Have they considered putting a photo of Sarah Palin in running shorts on the cover of the bill?

* Maybe they could get Sarah Palin to endorse it if they added death panels for moose.

* Their new plan is to try to boost the bill's popularity by asking the liberal media to ridicule it.

* Democrats better lay off Sarah Palin...She killed Oprah's show, and she can do it to them.

* 35 percent support it, 65 percent oppose it, and zero percent have read it...which includes the Senators who wrote it.

Don't Forget All Those Cheap Mortgage Ads! - The Webby Awards have released a list of the top 10 most influential Internet moments of the first decade of the 21st century. They include Google going public and introducing Google AdWords; the shutdown of Napster; the Twittered Iranian protests; the 2008 presidential campaign; the debuts of Wikipedia, the iPhone, Craig's List, Facebook and Twitter; and the 2006 introduction of online video, which they say reshaped everything from politics to pop culture.

* homemade porn.

* Before online video, we only knew what beauty queens looked like with their gowns ON.

* I don't know how our forefathers survived without 24-hour access to cats playing piano, dogs on skateboards and bears bouncing on trampolines.

* Most revolutionary of all: Susan Boyle proving that people can be plain-looking and still sing.

Only Women? - Tonight, the old stock exchange building in Paris will be the site for the annual National Stiletto Championship. 96 fashionistas who triumphed in regional races all over France are competing. 32 teams of three women each will run 180-yard relay races in heels at least three inches high. The grand prize is $4500 worth of designer shoes. The idea is to show women who are leery of stilettos that it is possible to master them. However, there will be Red Cross volunteers standing by to treat any ankle injuries. * Or deep puncture wounds.

* It had to be a relay: no woman alive could go 180 yards in stilettos.

* The current world record: three hours.

* I think the winner deserves more than one pair of designer shoes.

* Actually, first prize is $4500 worth of either designer shoes or foot surgery.

Twin Engine Jets - Finland's largest airline, Finnair, is offering a new incentive to frequent flyers: you can trade your air miles for boob jobs. Other plastic surgery procedures can also be traded for air miles, including hair transplants and facelifts. But it's not free: a set of breast implants will cost you 3,180,000 frequent flyer miles, or the equivalent of 404 flights from Helsinki to Hong Kong. Also, high altitudes have been known to cause pulsations and bubbling in breast implants.

* Just ask the flight attendants.

* But by the time you earn them, you'll have already flown everywhere you'd ever want to go.

* But if you have to make a water landing, they made excellent flotation devices.

* This gives new meaning to the slogan, "We love to fly, and it shows."

* It'll use up your miles, but it does get you faster entry into the Mile High Club.

What Portnoy Complained About - The finalists for the Literary Review's annual Bad Sex In Fiction Award have been revealed. They include such famous names as Philip Roth, Paul Theroux and singer-turned-novelist, Nick Cave. Roth's "The Humbling" is about an aging guy who seduces a lesbian into heterosexuality. It includes a lesbian sex scene in which a woman using a sex device is described as looking like she's "wearing a mask on her genitals."

* A Pinocchio mask.

* A moisturizing mask?

* Well, it is held on with masking tape.

* Nothing makes for a hotter sex scene than using the word "genitals."

* You can see how a smooth talker like that could convince a lesbian to go straight for him. * I think I'll wait for the movie.

Just Let It Go - Kellogg's announced that two of the four plants where they made Eggo frozen waffles have been shut down, one due to flood and another for repairs. There are already shortages of Eggos in stores nationwide, and they're expected to continue until summer.

* If you need waffling, you'll have to turn to the government.

* When you hear someone yell, "Leggo my Eggo!," it will soon end in gunfire.

* We might see a lot of otherwise respectable people putting on disguises and sneaking into Waffle House.

Best Little Whorehouse In Leipzig - Tonight in Leipzig, Germany, members of the city's orchestra will perform a concert at the Eros Center brothel. It's a preview of next month's "Sex Macht Musik" ("Sex Makes Music") festival of "erotic music culture." They'll perform such works as Dirk D'ase's "Seven Erotic Songs" for mezzo-soprano and piano, and Askell Masson's "Rhythm Strip." A spokesman said the brothel recital is a novel attempt to bring classical music "out of the concert hall and to where people are."

* Well, men, anyway...

* They're saving "Bolero" for the climax.

* Most of the men will be done by the time they finish "The Minute Waltz."

* Saturday, they're going to a gay brothel to play "The Magic Flute."

She Can't Show Her Kitty In Public - Mariah Carey is teaching the British what a real American diva is like. The Daily Mail reports that Mariah agreed to turn on the Christmas lights at London's Westfield shopping complex. Her rider of demands included the following: A chauffeured Rolls (the model had to be changed six times to please her people), an entourage of 15, a pink carpet leading to a pink podium, 80 security guards, a shower of confetti shaped like butterflies (her favorite insect), a wand to wave to turn on the lights, a release of 100 white doves, and 20 white kittens to surround her, because she likes animals. The organizers finally found doves and were looking for the kittens when health and safety officials stepped in and said no animals.

* So her entourage couldn't come?

* Thank God, because they were really having trouble finding 12 pink unicorns.

* Also, no fake stuff: it has to be a real magic wand.

* She needed the 80 security guards to keep the organizers from killing her.

WEB LINK! Tom Cruise talks to ashtrays. Which are probably better conversationalists than Tom Cruise:

GREAT IDEA! Make paying bills fun:

HEADLINES OF THE DAY! When sex goes wrong: "Five Licking Teens Hurt In Wreck" - Houston Herald, "Pittsburgh Police Want to See Junk In Your Trunk" - ABC-Ch. 4, and "Kellogg Gets Lukewarm Response to Tender Offer" - Dow Jones Newswire...Wanna kiss my Fruit Loops, baby?...

NOTE FROM PAT! Apropos of nothing, here's a discontinued cereal some fans want Kellogg to bring back. Might need a name change:


See You In Hell, Bill! - On this day in 1888, Willard Bundy of Auburn, New York, invented the first timecard punch clock. * It took people from Florida 20 years to figure out how to punch it correctly.

* Willard was also a rat's name, wasn't it?

* Mr. Bundy clocked out around 1940, after being punched repeatedly.

She Wishes She Could Remember It - On this day in 1982, Drew Barrymore became the youngest-ever host of "Saturday Night Live" at age seven.

* She introduced the cast to a lot of exciting new drugs.

* And at the cast party after the show, she became the first host to outdrink John Belushi.

The Fat Of The Land - On this day in 1984, McDonald's made its 50 billionth hamburger. It was cooked by McDonald's president Edward Rensi at a press conference in New York.

* Catered by the Four Seasons restaurant.

* It was a historic day: the last time a corporate executive actually earned his paycheck.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
10...9...8...(That's Bo Derek Getting Older) - Josh Turner (32), Dierks Bentley (34), Joel McHale (38), Beastie Boy Mike D (44), Sean Young (50), Mark Gastineau (53), Richard Masur (61), Joe Walsh (62), Judy Woodruff (63), Veronica Hamel (66), Joe Biden (67), Norman Greenbaum (67), Bob "Super Dave Osborne" Einstein (69), Dick Smothers (71), Richard Dawson (77), Estelle Parsons (82), Kay Ballard (84), Sen. Robert Byrd (92) and the world's sexiest Republican, Bo Derek (53).

* What about that other sexy Republican who's appeared on magazine covers in tight running shorts? You know, George W. Bush?

* With her in the party, I don't know why Bob Dole needs Viagra.

* Robert Byrd is so old, he was born a dinosaur and evolved into a Byrd.


The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Thursday - October 25, 2007


He's A Regular Dead-Eye - Rudy Giuliani is trying to reassure Republicans that he is not anti-gun rights. At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire, he said he believes in only three restrictions on buying a gun: a minimum age requirement, a history of mental illness or a criminal record. When a former cop blinded in the line of duty asked if Giuliani would take away his gun, Rudy said, "You don't have to worry," adding that if someone disagrees with letting blind people have guns, "You have to get the Constitution changed."

* But that audience wanted it changed to allow insane three-year-olds to buy guns.

* The forefathers wanted to protect our inalienable right to go deer hunting while blind drunk.

* He's right: one thing I would never do is try to take away a blind man's gun.

* A blind man is perfectly capable of firing a gun...Aiming is a bit trickier...

* Of course, blind people can use guns! That's why they make shotguns!

How Truthy Is It? - Comic Stephen Colbert's presidential bid might be a joke, but it could get him into serious legal trouble. Comedy Central removed a petition drive from its website after the Federal Election Commission questioned whether Colbert is a real candidate. If so, the fact that he gets airtime on Comedy Central and his campaign is sponsored by Doritos could be construed as illegal corporation campaign donations. Other comedians, such as Pat Paulson, have made joking runs for the presidency, but that was before campaign finance reform passed.

* Also, back then, it was a lot easier to tell the joke candidates from the real candidates.

* Before that law passed, Bill Clinton could run a presidential campaign sponsored by McDonald's.

* Once they finish with Colbert, they have to determine if Dennis Kucinich is a real candidate or a cartoon character.

* A campaign sponsored by Doritos is said to be "triangulated."

Mars Needs Women - History was made in space this week when Peggy Whitson took command of the International Space Station and Col. Pamela Melroy took the commander's seat in the space shuttle Discovery when it blasted off from Florida on Tuesday. This marks the first time in history that women were at the helm of both the space station and the space shuttle at the same time.

* But there was a tragic collision when they were both doing their eye makeup in the rearview mirrors at the same time.

* Thank God the docking maneuver doesn't require parallel parking.

* If a woman can drive an SUV, she can handle the space shuttle...It's smaller.

Hey, 7-11: Hire The British! - Linda Faulkner, 21, was working as a clerk at a Tesco gas station in Cheltenham, England, when another female clerk told her that an armed man made her empty her cash till into a bag, then demanded she empty hers into it, too. She replied, 'I'm sorry, he'll have to wait, because I'm busy." He stood there waiting awhile, but finally came up behind her, grabbed the bag and fled. He was caught and sentenced to seven years in jail. Faulkner told the Sun newspaper, "I just got on with it. British people don't stop work just because someone is trying to bully us with guns."

* Advice to robbers: Move to France. French people will stop working for anything.

* A lot of Americans her age won't even start working unless someone's pointing a gun at them.

* Sadly, she was fired for giving poor customer service and making him wait.

Cocoa Nuts - Over the past four months in Cocoa, Florida, there have been 30 robberies by masked bandits, so the police are trying something "proactive." In Florida, wearing a mask in public is a misdemeanor, so they plan to arrest people who wear masks in certain public areas, such as stores or hotels, on Halloween. Anyone arrested for wearing a mask on Halloween could face a hefty fine and up to a year in prison. A police spokeswoman admitted that the policy is new, "and it may have some kinks."

* For instance, the jail can't hold 15,000 people.

* What about Floridians who look like they're wearing a mask, but it's just too much Botox?

* Also, Cocoa residents better explain to their kids that Santa will be clean-shaven this year.

* If you wear a white sheet over your head, they'll also assume you're a Klansman and charge you with a hate crime.

The Cans Are Mightier Than The Cans - A barmaid in Pinjarra, Australia, pleaded guilty to violating hotel licensing laws by twice baring her breasts and crushing beer cans between them. She and the hotel manager were each fined $900 (US), and a fellow barmaid was fined $450 (US) for hanging spoons from her colleague's nipples. A police spokesman said, "It sends a clear message...that we will not tolerate this type of behavior in our licensed premises."

* But this is a licentious premises.

* Question: where would she go to apply for a license to do that?

* She was fined $900, and she made $6,000 in tips.

* That's nothing, you should see how she twists off bottle caps.

WEB LINK! This isn't her, but close enough:

No Strings Attached - A group of strippers from Scores in New York City volunteered to help Puppetry Art Theatre raise money for homeless children at the Haunted Halloween Carnival Benefit at Middle School 51 in Brooklyn. But after the New York Daily News reported the story, MS51 Principal Lenore Berner told theater head Timothy Young to uninvite the exotic dancers. Not wanting to harm the charity, he told the strippers they couldn't come. He said they weren't going to be inappropriately dressed and had planned to be costumed as sorceresses and witches.

* "Naughty" sorceresses and witches...

* The 8th grade girls would've been showing more skin than the strippers...As usual.

* Does that principal realize how many one-dollar bills they could've raised from dads?

* They're welcome to come trick-or-treat at my house...I'll give them a treat if they'll turn a trick.

And Then On Tuesday, He Bought... - The Sultan of Brunei, one of the world's richest men, is embroiled in a court case over his transferring $8 billion in state funds to his personal account, and it's offered a peek into his incredibly lavish lifestyle. The court papers include a 50-page list of his living expenses, including luxury cars, paintings, aircrafts, yachts, nearly $12 million paid to each of his five PR experts, $2.5 million for acupuncturists and masseuses, $98,000 just for guards for his exotic bird cages, and $2.5 million to his badminton coach.

* To be fair, the Sultan is now a really wicked badminton player.

* His PR experts will earn their money now!

* Someday, he'll buy birds for those cages.

* This guy must be crazy! He thinks he's Michael Jackson!

* Why does he need acupuncturists? Taxpayers would gladly stick needles in him for free.

Aren't They ALL Lucky? - Monday, Durex Condoms launched a drive to find men and women across the US and Canada to act as condom testers. They've already received 4,000 applications and expect to hit six figures. Applicants must submit essays on why they are the best qualified. Those accepted will receive a dozen condoms, lubricant and a "vibrating ring," and have to file reports on their comfort and sensitivity during use. There is no pay, but one lucky condom tester will win $1,000.

* Plus you can sue for child support if the condom breaks.

* You can also cash in by combining it with a second job as a mattress tester.

* And it looks great on your resume if you ever want to go into politics.

* The Catch-22: if you're the kind of person who's outstanding at essay questions, you probably don't get that much sex.

* I should get this job; I've been carrying an "Official Condom Tester" business card in my wallet for years.

But She's So Good With Small Children! - "Sesame Street" denied reports that Britney Spears will appear on the show to perform a cleaned-up version of her song "Toxic," backed by Oscar the Grouch. The rumor sparked protests from worried parents, but the spokesperson said there are no plans to have Britney on "Sesame Street," which isn't even in production right now.

* The rumor was started by Britney, who spilled her sock drawer and thought she was surrounded by Muppets.

* Just as well; she would've insisted on performing in a black bra and panties.

* Besides, if she changed the lyrics to the song, her lips wouldn't match the prerecorded vocals.

* Britney is more of a Barney fan..."Sesame Street" is too intellectual for her.

They Shoulda Known Better - Vanity Fair has listed the 50 greatest movie soundtracks, which will become a CBS special. They just revealed the top 10, and they include "The Big Chill," "American Graffiti," "Saturday Night Fever" and "Pulp Fiction." At #2 was "A Hard Day's Night," edged out by their #1 choice, Prince's "Purple Rain."

* Featuring "Let's Go Crazy," which they must have done when they put it ahead of the Beatles.

* When Beatles fans heard that, they spewed a long string of unpronounceable symbols.

* But none of them contain that Oscar-winning classic, "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp!"


* A state investigation of the officers who tasered a University of Florida student who refused to stop talking during an appearance by John Kerry found that the cops were justified in zapping him...Their exact ruling: "It was cool to tase him, bro!"...They also ruled that the cops would've been justified in zapping John Kerry to get him to stop talking.

* Scientists at New York University have pinpointed two areas in the brain that are responsible for optimism, positive thinking, and believing things such as that everything will work out okay or that you might win the lottery...Not "might" win; "WILL" win!...They're the same parts of the brain responsible for dreams and fantasies...The part of the brain that makes you think you'll win the lottery is on the opposite side from the part that handles math.

* In Japan, executions are by hanging, but the Justice Minister complained about the thumping trap door and said he wants to consider "more tranquil" ways to kill criminals, although he didn't say what those might be...Hanging, with earplugs?...Hangings are tranquil! All the spectators bring picnic lunches!...Today's criminals are lucky; back in the '60s, they used to be stomped to death by Godzilla.

* Officials in Breda, Holland, changed the street name of St. Fiacrius Court after residents complained that people had started calling it "St. Viagra Court"...Now it's just "St. Peter"...When you were on Viagra, you could go up the street, but you couldn't come back down for four hours.

* An Italian ad campaign against anti-gay discrimination that suggests people are born gay has sparked outrage by showing an infant with a bracelet that reads, "Homosexual"...It should read, "Stewie Griffin"...He became the first baby to get beaten up by the other babies in the maternity ward.

* The producers of Fox's "Prison Break" announced plans for a similar series, set in a women's prison...They figured Fox already had Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie under contract, so why not?...Well, Britney needs a comeback vehicle...It will be just like "Prison Break," only with 40 times the ratings...Can they cast Lindsay Lohan? Because that's the only way she'll ever go to prison.

* Ron Howard is trying to beat the writer's strike deadline by rushing to get a sequel to "The Da Vinci Code" ready before the end of the month...You can tell it's a rush job: it's about a plot to cover up the secret that the Mona Lisa was Buddha's cousin...Hey, he used union writers on the first one, and look how that turned out...Writers should refuse to work on that, strike or no strike.

UPDATE! Prostitutes in El Alto, Bolivia, who have gone on a hunger strike to protest the bars being closed have taken it a step further by sewing their lips together...Sounds like they really didn't think this through...Now they not only can't eat, they can't work.



PICASSO BORN - (Almanac)
Weirdest Baby Pictures Ever - On this day in 1881, artist Pablo Picasso was born.

* His parents knew he'd be special because both his eyes were on the same side of his face.

Both Got Boiling Hot In Seconds - On this day in 1955, Tappan sold the first microwave oven, and on the same date in 1960, Bulova began selling the Accutron, the first electronic wristwatch.

* Which was slightly larger than the first microwave oven.

* By 1960, you could time your TV dinner to within 1/50th of a second!

* If you remember those things, you probably have a few electronic parts yourself.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
50?! Ay Caramba! - Ciara (22), Chely Wright (37), Adam Goldberg (37), Tracy Nelson (44), Brian Kerwin (58), Jon Anderson (63), Helen Reddy (66), Marion Ross (79) and Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, is 50.

* Bart is like Michael Jackson: middle-aged, but his voice never changed and he still feels like a 10-year-old.



Their Wives Were The Minute Maids - On this day in 1774, American patriots organized the volunteer militia called the Minute Men.

* The name was their wives' idea. * It only took them a minute because they were a well-organized militia.

I'm OK! - On this day in 1881, the "Gunfight at the OK Corral" took place in Tombstone, Ariz., as Wyatt Earp, his two brothers and "Doc" Holliday confronted the Clanton gang. Three members of Clanton's gang were killed, and Earp's brothers were wounded.

* There was Earp leakage all over the corral.

* It was over in 30 seconds, but Kevin Costner's movie about it lasted three hours.

It Didn't Help The Guys At The OK Corral - On this day in 1975, the American Medical Association endorsed use of the Heimlich Maneuver to help a person choking on food.

* The old method, clasping your hands around the person's throat and squeezing, was deemed ineffective.

* It was invented by Dr. Heimlich, to explain to his wife why he was hugging his nurse from behind.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
But Her Husband Feels Like A 20-Year-Old - John Heder (30), Anthony Rapp (36), Keith Urban (40), Natalie Merchant (44), Cary Elwes (45), Dylan McDermott (46), Rita Wilson (49), Bootsy Collins (56), Jaclyn Smith (60), Pat Sajak (61), Pat Conroy (62), Bob Hoskins (65). Also sharing a birthday: Matt Drudge (40) and Sen. Hillary Clinton (60).

* Two people who both owe their careers to Bill Clinton.



The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Tuesday - September 18, 2007

A Day Without O.J. Is Like A Day Without Sunshine - obtained a shocking audiotape of the actual alleged armed robbery involving O.J. Simpson. One of the collectibles dealers carried a portable recorder because he thought there might be a confrontation, and it captured O.J. bursting in commando-style, shouting, "Don't let nobody out of the room!" He is heard screaming, "You stole my (BLEEP)!" and calling them the F-word repeatedly as he and/or the men with him threaten the dealers, order them to stand against the wall, and force them to throw their cell phones on the bed while they stuff autographed balls and other memorabilia into pillowcases.

* So they not only took memorabilia at gunpoint, they also stole hotel pillowcases!

* The tape is called "How I Did It."

* He was just practicing for when he finds the real killers.

* This is why no jury will convict him: he's just too damn charming.

WEB LINK! Censored and uncensored copies with transcripts here:

God Called Him, Collect - Black conservative commentator Alan Keyes, who unsuccessfully ran for the presidential nomination in1996 and 2000, and lost the Illinois Senate race to Barack Obama by a 43 percent margin, announced that he is entering the 2008 presidential race. Keyes said he decided to run because the race is wide open, and "there isn't a standout."

* He'll stand out because he's the only Republican who could lose to Obama by 43 points.

* Scoff if you will, but he's already rocketed past Dennis Kucinich in the polls.

It's Either This Or Seeing Garrison Keillor - The Minneapolis airport men's room where Sen. Larry Craig was arrested in a gay sex sting has become a big tourist attraction. A man who runs the shoeshine stand outside it said, "It's been crazy;" people are crowding around, photographing the door and the famous toilet stall. One woman traveler said she and her husband had to stop and check it out. In fact, it was her husband's second time: he was already there last week.

* Although he insists he's NOT gay!

* He's proud of the fact that he used to visit it before it was famous.

* Visitors to that men's room can get their pictures taken by the door, by the toilet stall and with George Michael.

* So it's illegal to tap your foot in the men's room, but it's okay to take pictures?

* That restroom was always a big tourist attraction...That's why the cop was there.

* It's such a tourist attraction, they're about to put a Starbucks in there.

* Business is good at the shoeshine stand: men like to make a good impression while tapping...Also, if your shoes are as shiny as a mirror, you can tell if the guy in the next stall is a cop.

To Stay Skinny, She Chain Smokes Candy Cigarettes - The Gold Coast Fashion Week in Queensland, Australia, sparked media outrage by choosing as its official face Maddison Gabriel, a blonde, blue-eyed model who just turned 13 on Sunday. Maddison is already 5-foot 7, can "fit into women's clothes," and she's already modeled several revealing outfits, although she's not used for lingerie and swimwear yet. Prime Minister John Howard called it "outrageous" to put a girl as young as 12 into such a sexualized role. But her mother accused him of "getting very doddery," saying, "He does not know exactly what 13 and 14-year-old girls are like...We're trying to get our teenage daughters to act older."

* ...So old rich guys will date them.

* News flash, lady: If your daughter acted 14, she'd be acting older.

* She's not model height yet, but she was born model weight.

* Of course, she can wear women's designer clothes: those are all created for a 12-year-old body.

* Designers like to use her because she's willing to be paid in Beanie Babies.

They're Too Busy Getting Arrested - Monday, the Soap and Detergent Association presented its annual hand-washing survey to a meeting of infection disease specialists in Chicago. They sent spies to hang out in public restrooms and observe over 6,000 people in four US cities to see if people are washing their hands after using the bathroom. More people than ever are skipping the washing, and the gender gap is growing. Two years ago, 10 percent of women and a quarter of men didn't wash; this year, it was 12 percent of women and a third of men. A spokesman said, "Guys need to step up to the sink."

* Except for about a third of guys, who pee in the sink.

* I've heard that in certain airport men's rooms, guys really don't care about hygiene.

* So if you want to be safe, every third man you meet, don't shake his hand.

* They hire spies to watch strange men use public toilets? Well, at least Larry Craig will have a job after the Senate.

On This Plane, The Pilots Move Their Tails For You - Air New Zealand hopes to attract the gay and lesbian market with the "Pink Flight," a special theme flight from San Francisco to Sydney's Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras in February. It starts with a "Girlfriend, Get Onboard" party at the airport, and the entertainment will include gay-friendly movies, contests, cabaret music and more. They did a similar flight before: the crew wore pink feather boas, and even the pilot got into it and wore fairy wings. A spokesman said there will be some quiet time during the 14-hour flight, so passengers can get their beauty sleep.

* The pilot, too.

* Some of the passengers miss the flight because they never make it past the airport men's room.

* For this flight, the "Occupied" sign on the toilet door will read "Double Occupancy."

* It's the only flight where the pilot could announce that the plane is going down, and everyone would cheer.

All He Got From Them Was Snickers - Terence Fitzgerald, an electrician from Hastings, England, was eating a Mars Bar when something got stuck in his throat, and he coughed up somebody's gold tooth. He said it was horrible, and he felt sick. But when he complained to Mars about it, they told him to send them the gold tooth and a copy of his dental records. They wanted him to prove the gold tooth wasn't his. Fitzgerald said he's still got all his teeth, and he won't eat Mars Bars ever again.

* Why not? They have GOLD inside!

* If he's still got all his own teeth, he must not have eaten very many of them.

* You'd expect to find gold in a Payday, or maybe a $100,000 bar.

* Mars should've just told him, "Congratulations! You've found the golden ticket to a tour of the Hastings Dental Clinic!"

Also, There Was No Sand Castle - 10-year-old William McCartney-Moore of York, England, contracted a rare strain of meningitis and needed emergency surgery to remove fluid from his brain. He's now fully recovered, but with a very bizarre side effect. Before the operation, he spoke with a harsh, Northern England twang; and now, he speaks like a posh London aristocrat. He can't even hear the difference himself. His family says they first noticed it when they took him to the beach to recuperate, and he said, "Look, I've made a 'sahnd cahsle.'" He had no idea why they were staring at him.

* Or why they impulsively beat the crap out of him.

* He thought they must be brain damaged.

* Hey, did Madonna ever have meningitis?

* So when Henry Higgins said, "By George, I think she's got it!," he meant meningitis.

The "Escape" Part Still Goes - A couple in Zenica, Bosnia, met over the Internet, complained to each other about their miserable spouses, decided they were soul mates, agreed to meet in person, and discovered they were already husband and wife. Adnan and Sana Klaric said they were shattered to discover that the person who seemed so sweet and perfect turned out to be their spouse who never said anything nice to them. Now they are divorcing, each accusing the other of being unfaithful.

* Or unintentionally faithful.

* They could try being nice to each other in person...Nah, that's just too far-fetched.

* This seemed a lot more romantic in that "Pina Colada" song.

Finally, Something That Will Make Teenagers Stop Smoking! - The San Gallicano Dermatological Institute in Rome announced that smoking can cause acne. They call the condition "smoker's acne," in which blocked pores erupt into pimples. Women are especially susceptible to it. In a study of 1,000 women aged 25 to 50, 42 percent of the smokers had acne, compared to only 10 percent of nonsmokers.

* The good news: most people won't come close enough to a smoker to see the pimples.

* Smoking does help control the redness, by turning the skin yellow.

* So either stop smoking, or smoke a lot more, so people can't see your zits through all the smoke.

Haven't They Heard His Album?! - Monday, the FBI denied a report that they were investigating a contract hit on Kevin Federline, saying they'd heard "nonspecific, uncorroborated allegations" of a threat, but there wasn't enough proof that someone wanted to kill him to make a case.

* No specific threat, just general disinterest.

* If they couldn't find anybody who wanted to kill Kevin Federline, they must not have been trying very hard.

* It figures: K-Fed can't even land a contract to get shot.

Also, Lack Of Talent - Monday, a former bodyguard for Britney Spears gave testimony that might cost her custody of her two kids. The transcripts were sealed, but he reportedly made allegations of "nudity, drug use and safety issues."

* Yes, but are those claims credible?!

* Also, she committed child abuse by forcing her kids to watch mommy on the MTV Awards.

Firm Rejection - Also Monday, Britney's talent agency, The Firm, dropped her after just one month, issuing a statement reading, "We believe Britney is enormously talented and has made a terrific record. But current circumstances have prevented us from properly doing our job."

* If they kept her on, they'd have to stop calling themselves a "talent agency."

* They're really good agents. Even though they're dumping her, they said she was enormously talented and had made a terrific record, which shows they're still willing to lie for her.

* Whoever signed her was both fired and had a contract put out on him.


* Columbus Zoo director Jack Hanna tried to go through a turnstile at the Ohio State University Airport Sunday with a flamingo in a 2x3-foot crate, got stuck tight, and firefighters had to come cut the flamingo out. Hanna said the next time he comes to that airport, the biggest animal he'll bring is a gerbil...Same thing Richard Gere said, and look where that got stuck...He really stuck his neck out trying to bring on a flamingo...That gay airline might want to scrap its plans to bring along some pink flamingos.

* Barry Manilow reportedly pulled out of "The View" at the last minute because he refused to tolerate Elizabeth Hasselbeck's conservative political views...Because conservatives are so intolerant of other people's opinions!...Barry Manilow doesn't want conservatives listening to his music! He only wants hip, trendy liberals singing along to "Mandy!"

* Wednesday, the New York Times will end its paid TimesSelect Web service that charged people $49.95 a year to read columnists such as Maureen Dowd. Content will be free again, in hopes of attracting more readers...And by "more," they mean "any" readers...If that doesn't work, they'll pay us to read Maureen Dowd...Also, too many people had been reading Maureen Dowd, then demanding refunds.

he "Family Guy" opening song from the Emmys, AKA, the only thing from it worth seeing:

From the Waterloo, Iowa, Courier: "Witness Says He Tried to Protect Johnson"...And who can blame him?



And In 1993, Bill Clinton GOT Laid There - On this day in 1793, President Washington laid the cornerstone of the U.S. Capitol.

* Marking the first time something got laid in Congress, but hardly the last.

- (Almanac)
Horses Towed It Away - On this day in 1830, America's first locomotive, the B&O Railroad's Tom Thumb, lost a nine-mile race to a horse. The locomotive sprang a boiler leak and never finished.

* So we gave up and never built another one.

* The horse also had a leak, but he waited until the race was over.

He's Laughing At O.J. - Rapper Xzibit (33), James Marsden (34), Jada Pinkett Smith (36), Aisha Tyler (37), Holly Robinson Peete (43), James Gandolfini (46), Anna Devere Smith (57), Kerry Livgren of Kansas (58), Frankie Avalon (67), Fred Willard (68), Jimmie Rodgers (74) and Robert Blake (74).

* He's getting up there, ladies, but he's available!



It's "Talk Like A Pirate Day," but after three Johnny Depp movies, that's starting to seem a bit retarrrrrrrrrrrrrr-ded.

Voiced By John Gilbert - On this day in 1928, the first talking cartoon, "Steamboat Willie" with Mickey Mouse, debuted in New York and was a huge hit.

* Surprising, since many people thought Mickey's high squeaky voice would ruin his career.

We Will Bury Your Mickey Mouse Country
! - On this day in 1959, Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev reacted angrily when he was told he couldn't enter Disneyland, due to security reasons.

 * His head wasn't as high as Mickey's hand.

* So guess where Russia's nukes were pointed all those years.

* It's odd, because Disneyland was the only place in the world with tighter security than the Soviet Union.

- (Almanac)
Batman And The Bat Pole - Jimmy Fallon (33), Cheri Oteri (42), Trisha Yearwood (43), Rex Smith (52), Nile Rodgers (55), Joan Lunden (57), Jeremy Irons (59), Freda Payne (62), Randy Mantooth (62), David Bromberg (62), Bill Medley (67), Paul Williams (67), David McCallum (74), Rosemary Harris (77), Adam West (77) and the first waif model, Twiggy (58). When she became a superstar model in 1966, she was 16 years old and her measurements were 31-21-31.

* By today's modeling standards, that would make her a "fat, old cow."



The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Thursday - July 19, 2007

Who Knows More About Bombing? - US troops arrested a senior member of al-Qaeda in Iraq, and he claimed that the group's supposed kingpin, Omar al-Baghdadi, doesn't really exist. He said it's a fictional character invented by the real al-Qaeda leader from Egypt, who publicly swore allegiance to al-Baghdadi just to make it appear that he was real. Actually, when al-Baghdadi's voice is heard on tapes threatening the West, it's an actor.

* An actor who could really use a new agent.

* Damn! That Gilbert Gottfried is getting all the voice work!

* The real al-Qaeda leader sounds just like Truman Capote.

* They needed a rabidly anti-American actor, so they hired someone from Hollywood.

* How great to be an actor and make a living doing what you love.

This Came From A Smoke-Filled Room - President Bush may see his popularity rating rise among smokers, at least. Senate Democrats have proposed a plan to pay for children's health insurance by adding another 61 cents per pack tax to cigarettes and a whopping 20,000 percent increase in the tax on large cigars. That means the tax on any cigar larger than a cigarillo would leap from five cents to $10. If it passes in Congress, Bush threatened to veto it.

* If they try to override him, the vote will be close, but no cigar.

* If all cigars are $10 each, only guys named Vito will be able to afford them.

* Republicans don't mind lighting cigars with $100 bills, but they refuse to pay $10 in taxes for the privilege.

* Ironically, it's Bill Clinton who's famous for cheapening cigars.

* Oh, come on! Wouldn't you like to go from smoking cigarillos to smoking $10 cigars?!

* Good plan: fund children's health care from cigar sales, then make cigars so expensive, nobody buys them anymore. Sorry, kids!

Saving Tax Money Is Flaky! - Tuesday in Congress, Arizona Rep. Jeff Flake, a fiscal watchdog, questioned an earmark of $1 million in tax money for the "Center for Instrumented Critical Infrastructure." There was no purpose listed for the money, and Flake asked if the Center even exists. Democratic Rep. Peter Visclosky, who chairs the subcommittee that approved the spending, admitted, "At this time, I do not know," adding, "But if it does not exist, the monies could not go to it." That was good enough for the House, which overwhelmingly voted down Flake's proposal to strike it. A reporter found that the $1 million is actually going to a tech consulting firm that gave $7,000 to Rep. John Murtha's campaign, but we still don't know what the $1 million is for.

* Oh, I think we do...

* It will go to fund a study of why America has such a big budget deficit.

* That's Congressional philosophy: "If it doesn't exist, tax money couldn't go to it. In other words, 'I scam, therefore I am.'"

* Throwing away a million bucks in tax money to a mysterious, undocumented pork project...Finally, something Democrats and Republicans can agree on!

She's Working Her Way Through College - During hearings into college funding changes in New Zealand, it was explained that funding was based on general three-year plans, not specific courses. One Parliament member who questioned the value of new "relevant" courses such as "Twilight Golf" asked if that meant a college could get government funding for courses in, say, prostitution. Education officials said that was possible, although if colleges did propose offering prostitution classes, they would still have to meet tight criteria to get funding.

* Unless they could think of some other way to get politicians to give them money...

* Prostitution classes would be more appropriate for vocational school.

* The good news: if a girl can get an A in prostitution class, she can get an A in any class.

* "Whoring 101" should be a prerequisite for a degree in advertising.

It Worked On Wilma - Scotland's Edinburgh University did a study of pick-up lines and found that men are clueless. Men were asked to try four different types of lines: cultured, complimentary, humorous and sexual (for instance, "I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock"). Women in the test were most receptive to lines that were funny or that signaled the man was a "nice guy." They were most put off by sexually explicit lines, but the men were consistently over-optimistic that vulgar lines would work. A spokesman said he can't imagine a woman being turned on by those lines, but if you look like George Clooney, you might be able to get away with them.

* If you look like George Clooney, the only pickup line you need is "Hi."

* Unfortunately, these guys all looked like Fred Flintstone.

* Men think those lines will work because those are the lines that would work on them.

* The best pick-up line is one that makes a woman feel special...If you find one like that, use it on every woman.

Once Again, Hard Nipples Save The World - The Swiss branch of Greenpeace is lookiing for at least 50 volunteers for a new ad campaign about fighting global warming. They want people who are willing to appear nude in a group photo, posing naked on a Swiss glacier. The idea is to draw attention to melting glaciers by making the connection that the world's environment is vulnerable, like the human body. They hope that the sight of all those naked people exposed to the cold will galvanize people to call politicians and demand action on global warming.

* They'll demand more of it! Those poor naked people are freezing!!

* And you thought it was bad when your tongue got stuck to a frozen surface!

* If you're a shy man, don't worry: it'll be so cold, nobody will see anything.

* It'll be so cold, you'll actually be able to SEE them exhaling deadly carbon dioxide, OHMYGOD!!

A New Wrinkle - Brattleboro, Vermont, has had enough of public nudity. The liberal town has always been proud of its tolerance of nude sunbathing, skinny-dipping and topless parades, but all the stories about it on the Internet have turned it into a magnet for nudists. Some parents complained about naked teenagers walking around downtown stores, biking and hula-hooping naked. But the last straw came when last Friday's genteel Gallery Walk event was marred by a 68-year-old man who'd come from Arizona so he could wander around in nothing but sandals. Tuesday, officials passed a 30-day emergency nudity ban while they decide what to do.

* First of all, they'll impose an age limit of 40.

* Of course, the nudity ban will not apply to government officials or their employees, especially their secretaries.

* A man who's spent 68 years naked in the Arizona sun needs to put on some clothes...He looked like someone had built a scarecrow out of beef jerky.

* A naked 18-year-old girl hula-hooping is fine, but a 68-year-old man in nothing but sandals is taking freedom a little too far.

This Could Give Cheney Another Heart Attack - Many Americans say they've cut back on some expenses due to $3 a gallon gasoline, but a Reuters/Zogby poll found that 40 percent said they would actually drive less if gas hit $3.50 a gallon. 19 percent said it would have to reach $4; another 9 percent said it would take $4.50 gas; 7 percent said it would take $5-a-gallon gas to make them scale back; and 19 percent said they would not cut back on driving no matter how much gas cost.

* The economy is so good, 19 percent of Americans are millionaires.

* But that last sample was skewed because they were all members of Al Gore's family.

* Americans get offered 15 new credit cards every day, so no problem.

* Oil companies don't care if it's $100 million a gallon; all they need is one rich guy with a Hummer.

Turn Out The Lights - Despite her controversial exit from "The View," Rosie O'Donnell has no shortage of offers. The producers of NBC's "Friday Night Lights" hope to boost its low ratings by getting Rosie to play a girls' soccer coach who's angry that most of the money in the small Texas school's budget goes to football.

* After she speaks up, it all goes to football.

* Oh, come on! Who'd believe Rosie O'Donnell as a girls' gym coach?!

* The producers know that if there's one thing fans of small town Texas football love, it's Rosie O'Donnell.

Don't Go Bustin' My Chops - Barry Manilow's next album will be a double-CD of 1970s hits, and he got Rosie O'Donnell to duet with him on a cover of Elton John and Kiki Dee's "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart."

* Which will be renamed, "Don't Go Breakin' My Eardrums."

* Barry Manilow decided his solo albums just weren't sexually ambiguous enough.

* It was the only way he could think of to make 1970s music even more annoying than it was originally.

Too Many Notes! - reports that the White Stripes took the stage at a club in St. John's, Canada, and played the world's shortest concert. They played one note - reportedly a C-sharp - then announced they had "now officially played in every province and territory in Canada," and left. Amazingly, hundreds of fans showed up for the concert, even though they were warned in advance that it would be only one note long.

* That would be a great way for Ashlee Simpson to draw bigger crowds.

* But it was a half-note, so there's still plenty of room for someone to break the record with a quarter or sixteenth note.

* It's sad to see the White Stripes go down in history as a one-note band.

Shut Your Von Trapps, Already! - In Salzburg, Austria, a TV channel has been launched that plays nothing but the movie "The Sound of Music" 24 hours a day. It was filmed around Salzburg, and a survey found that 70 percent of tourists came purely because they were fans. It's expected that the subscription channel will mostly be purchased by hotels and guesthouses so tourists can see the movie at any time.

* It's for people who have only one favorite thing.

* Wouldn't they rather go hiking in the hills and see a doe, a deer, a female deer?

* If you want something a little naughtier, they also have a pay-per-view porn flick called "The Lonely Goatherd."

* If you're thinking you'd like to subscribe to this, then the hills may be alive, but your social life is dead.


* Wednesday, a massive explosion blew a crater into midtown Manhattan, but Mayor Bloomberg said it was not caused by terrorists but by an exploding steam pipe that hadn't been replaced since 1924...So the good news: our officials are keeping us safe from terrorists. The bad news: they haven't updated our infrastructure since 1924.

* At a speech to fellow trial lawyers in Chicago, John Edwards said that voters like him, Hillary and Obama, but "all the empirical evidence shows that I am the strongest general election candidate"... He's leading the polls among members of the Hair Club for Men...He's a personal
injury trial lawyer; he can say ANYTHING with a straight face...(CAREFUL!) It's not that voters wouldn't support a woman or a black man, it's just that they like their presidents to have penises, as long as they're not too big.

* Dennis Kucinich, the only vegan presidential candidate, was hospitalized after he got sick on a flight from Cleveland from apparent severe food poisoning...How do you get salmonella when you don't even eat salmon?...He forgot that in Cleveland, tofu is made with pork...He got sick when he realized the bacon bits on his salad were actually made of bacon.

* Tuesday, Barack Obama told a Planned Parenthood audience that teaching sex education to kindergarteners is "the right thing to do," as long as it's "age-appropriate"...Well, children love pop-up books...Okay, but where are they going to find condoms that small?

* The New England Journal of Medicine reports that studies in Canada and Germany found evidence that "restless leg syndrome," in which people's legs jerk around uncontrollably, is genetic and not imaginary...Well, ain't that a kick in the head...It's in Irish genes; all the people in "Riverdance" have it.

Big Deal! He Came In Third! - On this day in 1842, at a trotting race in Hoxton, England, a pony ridden by a monkey in a jockey suit completed the race, a distance of 4 miles, in 57 minutes.

* They usually disqualify any horse with a monkey on its back.

* It's a toss-up as to which is cuter: a monkey in a jockey suit, or a jockey in a monkey suit.

The Eminem Of 1954 - On this day in 1954, Sun Records released the first single by Elvis Presley, "That's Alright (Mama)" b/w "Blue Moon of Kentucky." Label owner Sam Philips said he'd searched for years for a singer who was white but sounded black.

* Today, of course, every white suburban teenager in America sounds black.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
He Is The Champion! - Rachel Miner (27), Anthony Edwards (45), Campbell Scott (46), Peter Barton (51), Bernie Leadon (60), Commander Cody (63), Vikki Carr (66), George Hamilton IV (70), George McGovern (85) and Queen guitarist Brian May (60). Last week, May finally finished his Ph.D. thesis in physics, 30 years after he started it.

* That's still impressive: most rock stars would take 30 years just to finish high school.



The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Wednesday - April 4, 2007

Dum-Dum-Dum-Duuuum! - CDs, DVDs and toys that promise to make babies smarter are a multi-billion-dollar industry, but the Washington, DC, think tank Education Sector said most of them are based on misinterpretations of brain research and won't work. A spokeswoman said it's true that babies' brains change rapidly, but there is no evidence that brain development slams shut at age 3, that lack of sufficient stimulation harms babies, or that playing babies Beethoven or having them play with Einstein-inspired blocks makes them any smarter or more successful.

* Einstein didn't play with them.

* Marketers know that brain development slams shut the moment you become a parent.

* Maybe so, but any kid videos without Barney can prevent brain damage in parents.

* There's also the evidence that kids have more smart toys than ever, but they seem to be getting dumber and dumber.

* If you're dumb enough to think this will make your kid a genius, chances are that no kid with your DNA is going to be a genius.

How Heather Mills Really Lost Her Leg - Lacey Hindman of Chicago has filed a groundbreaking lawsuit against a man who danced badly with her at an office party. She says he grabbed her and flipped her into the air, then failed to catch her and dropped her on her head, fracturing her skull. She is seeking medical damages and lost wages on the novel legal grounds of "negligent dancing."

* She's also suing the company for hiring only white men.

* If she wins, this could start a class action suit that will bankrupt every straight man in the world.

* She never expected that he'd try to jitterbug to "O Holy Night."

* The video of this party is now for sale under the title, "Accountants Gone Wild."

No, It Was April Fool's Day - Natascha Mueller, 23, of Hamburg, Germany, has a unique way of discouraging horny men. She was at a disco and said she just wanted to dance, and Andreas Baum, 39, "kept coming alongside me and would not go away." Baum claims she beckoned him over, said, "I know what you need," and unzipped his fly. He said he "thought it was Christmas" until she pulled out his penis and nearly bit it off. Paramedics found Baum rolling on the dance floor, clutching his bloody organ. Mueller tested six times over the legal drunk limit and was arrested.

* Apparently, there really is an official limit beyond which a woman is too drunk to be trusted around a penis.

* She was drunk enough to star in the most unpopular "Girls Gone Wild" video ever.

* Her defense: she was so drunk, she mistook it for a German sausage.

* On the bright side, she can rest assured no man will ever come on to her again.

We Can Stage The World's Fastest Retreats! - Tuesday, a group of technicians wearing T-shirts that read "French Excellence" claimed a world record as France's new high-speed V150 train exceeded 357 mph on a 15-minute test run. Dignitaries on board the double-decker train compared the feeling to taking off in a jet. The V150 runs on a super high-voltage cable and has a 25,000-horsepower engine and extra-large wheels. Special adjustments were made to the tracks to keep it safe, such as banking the curves.

* And placing giant throw pillows all around them.

* It broke the old French speed record, which was set by the army surrendering to Germany.

* If a cow gets on the track in front of it, it will be vaporized into atoms.

* This train is so fast, your fellow passengers will barely have time to molest you before it's your stop.

Guess Where I'm Calling From! - After years of study, the FCC officiallly barred letting airline passengers use cell phones while in flight, saying there's insufficient information on whether it would jam navigation and communications channels.

* Well, if we don't use cell phones, how will we ever find out?

* Also, people risk getting strangled by the person stuck in the seat next to them.


It's What Belly Dancers Wear - IBI, a niche fragrance company in Orange, California, has just released the world's first spiritual perfume. It's inspired by the Bible and mixes scents of apricot, fig, pomegranate, aloe, iris, frankincense and myrrh. The maker says it's designed to be a reminder of God, Christ, spiritual self and soul. It comes in a 1.7 ounce bottle with 24-karat gold lettering, retails for $80, and supposedly "places the wearer in an ancient world of senses, enduring and timeless for over 3,000 years." It's called "Virtue."

* And yet, it's so seductive, you'll feel like a..."Harlot."

* Jesus would tell you to give that $80 to the poor, but He knew nothing about fragrances.

* Or if you prefer to sell your soul to Satan, you can wear Paris Hilton's perfume.

* Michael Jordan's cologne is even more Biblical...Whenever you wear it, people shout, "Jesus! What's that smell?!"

He's No Fool - The Shanghai Evening Post reports that a Mr. Lin of Shanghai, China, was getting fed up with his wife, Han, a 26-year-old actress whose method of keeping their marriage fresh was to surprise him with practical jokes every day. For instance, she'd change the locks or hide the dishes in the washing machine. The last straw came on April Fool's Day when he came home to find she'd hanged herself. After he called police and took down her "body," she sat up and started laughing hysterically. He's now divorcing her.

* It was either that or hang himself.

* She kind of expected that when he first saw her hanging there and danced a little jig.

* I'm really surprised that he couldn't see the humor in a woman like that hanging herself.

Try Stealing A Tricycle And Work Your Way Up - Police finally located and arrested Erick Fuentes in Allapattah, Florida, on kidnapping and other charges. On March 1, Fuentes allegedly stole Atheysha Diaz's car from her driveway, not realizing her two kids were strapped in the back seat. Daughter Briana, 6, fought back by whacking him with her fists and a copy of the children's book "Sarah's Unicorn" until he couldn't take it anymore, pulled over, removed the kids, and sped away, only to crash into a telephone pole. The incident made national news, and Ellen DeGeneres gave the family a new car on her TV show.

* That's not fair: it's obviously Fuentes who really needed a car.

* Hey, a pop-up book about unicorns can be dangerous!

* The blows he could tolerate, but she was also chanting, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?..."

* (CAREFUL!) He dreads going to prison and having to tell his cellmate that he's in for getting his ass kicked by a six-year-old girl with a unicorn book.

On Thin Ice - A New Jersey judge ruled that it's okay to drive drunk as long as you're on a Zamboni. A Morristown Zamboni operator was arrested after he was allegedly seen speeding and nearly crashing into the boards while grooming the ice at Mennen Sports Arena, and he tested well above the DUI limit. But a judge overturned his license revocation on appeal, ruling that four-ton Zambonis are not motor vehicles because they aren't useable on highways and can't carry passengers.

* Actually, they are and they can, if the driver is drunk enough.

* He still had to pay a stiff fine for crushing all those figure skaters.

* Besides, Zamboni operators have to drink to keep warm.

Let's Roll! - Tuesday night in Melbourne, Australia, a couple waited for a restaurant to close and robbed the manager as he was leaving. They took a black plastic bag that they thought contained the day's receipts, but actually contained leftover bread rolls for the manager's chickens. The man's shotgun then accidentally went off, spraying his female accomplice's stomach with buckshot. The manager said she "fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes" and screamed, and he ran back inside, locked the door and called the police. The man was arrested, and the woman treated at a hospital. It all took place at the Cuckoo Restaurant.

* For the Cuckoo Restaurant, that was a pretty typical night.

* They tried to rob the Cuckoo Restaurant, and they got their clock cleaned.

* This story left out the most important part: Did the chickens ever get their bread rolls?


Smelled Like Old Spice - In an interview with NME magazine, Keith Richards was asked the strangest thing he'd ever tried to snort, and he replied that in 2002, "I snorted my father." Richards explained, "He was cremated, and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared...It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."

* Is he sure about that?

* Also, when Keith takes a shot of Old Granddad, he actually is shooting up his granddad.

* To be fair, Keith was young and foolish then, and not even out of his 50's yet.

* If you are what you eat, then I think Mick Jagger has been eating his grandfather.

* Actually, his dad isn't the weirdest thing he ever snorted, he's just the weirdest thing he can remember.

Richards added that he's still alive mostly due to luck, noting that "I was No. 1 on the `who's likely to die' list for 10 years. I mean, I was really disappointed when I fell off the list."

* He'd bet on himself.

* After this story, he just got back on.

* To feel better, he had to do a little more "dad."

And Her Screams Reach 120 Decibels - Michael and Karolina Tomaro of Goteborg, Sweden, are in court to appeal the government's decision not to let them name their six-month-old daughter Metallica. The Swedish Tax Board, which must approve names, said it's associated with heavy metal and is ugly. But her Metallica fan mom said, "It suits her. She's decisive and she knows what she wants."

* She's already got five tattoos and a tongue stud!

* But she's not old enough yet to realize that she does NOT want to be named "Metallica."

* Besides, Michael doesn't know it, but her real dad is in Metallica.

* The kid should consider herself lucky that her parents aren't fans of Anthrax.

* I say we put the Swedish Tax Board in charge of regulating baby names in Hollywood.

No Access Hollywood - All day long Tuesday, reporters gave minute-by-minute updates as they breathlessly awaited the long-delayed DNA tests to reveal the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, Dannielynn. Then, the Nassau court held its proceedings in a closed-door session, and later announced that due to a gag order, they couldn't reveal the results outside of court. So we still don't know who the father is. Court proceedings won't resume until next Tuesday.

* The big question: how much is CNN paying the judge to drag this out another week?

* "Gag order" means they'll keep stretching this out until we gag.

* At least this means there's still a chance I could win my bet that the father is Bigfoot.


* The blogger who went on a hunger strike until Sanjaya Malaker is voted off "American Idol" started eating again after 16 days at doctor's orders, but she says she's devising some other strategy to get rid of him...She's now considering eating him...After fasting for 16 days, not even Sanjaya's singing could kill her appetite...Her doctor also prescribed ear plugs.

* Warren Beatty insisted that the Carly Simon song "You're So Vain" really is about him...Come on, it must be! Who else is so vain, he thinks that song is about him?

* A restaurant in Beijing, China, paid $75,000 for a giant, golden tiger fish because it's a symbol of wealth and good fortune...If you can pay $75,000 for a fish, don't you already HAVE wealth and good fortune?... Asked how the fish is, a waiter replied, "It's delicious with peanut sauce."

Quite A Dame! - On this day in 1887, Susanna Medora Salter of Argonia, Kansas, became the first American woman elected mayor. The Women's Christian Temperance Union nominated her and forgot to tell her. She found out she was a candidate when she went to the polls to vote.

* She had forgotten that she wasn't allowed to vote.

* How could they forget to tell her she was nominated? Were they drunk?!

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah! - On this day in 1964, the top five places in the U.S. singles chart were held by Beatles songs, a feat no other artist has matched.

* Today's top five only sound like they're all by the same artist.

(Also the anniversary of Martin Luther King's death in 1968)

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)

Too Many Candles, Not Enough Blow - Jamie Lynn Spears (16), Natasha Lyonne (28), Heath Ledger (28), David Blaine (34), Nancy McKeon (41), Christine Lahti (57), Craig T. Nelson (63), Kitty Kelley (65), Hugh Masekela (68), Michael Parks (69), Clive Davis (75), Maya Angelou (79) and Robert Downey Jr. (42).

* Wow! That's like a gerbil living 42 years! What are the odds?!



The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Monday - March 26, 2007

Bah! - Scientists at the University of Nevada have developed the first human-sheep chimera: a sheep with half-human internal organs. After seven years of injecting human cells into sheep fetuses, they have created a sheep that has 15 percent human cells. They hope to use its organs for medical research or even transplantation to humans. It's sure to revive complaints about scientists playing God, but Prof. Esmail Zaniani said that at the early stage at which the cells are injected, there's no "fusion," meaning the sheep has no characteristics of a human.

* Except one: it votes a straight-party ticket.

* Although it does look an awful lot like Chris Sligh.

* Funny, if you're a sheep with the guts of a human, you're nothing...But if you're a human with the guts of a sheep, you can run for Congress.

* One teensy problem: if you eat sheep's liver, you're now a cannibal.

Watch TV By Candlelight - Next Saturday, Sydney, Australia, will be plunged into darkness for an hour as all the lights are turned off to raise awareness of global warming. The environmentalist groups who organized it hope it will be the first of many cities worldwide turning off all the lights. They call it "Earth Hour."

* Or as everyone else will call it, "Muggin' Time."

* It's part of a worldwide campaign that they like to call "Back to the Dark Ages."

* So how does it help the Earth to have a bunch of energy-consuming babies born nine months from now?

From Fabio To Flabbio - Reuters reports that Harlequin Romances are trying to freshen up their novels by featuring a new kind of cover model: real men. Research found that the average reader, a 42-year-old female, doesn't like it when the book describes a brawny, macho hero, and the cover features a young, skinny, pretty-boy male model type. So at a recent casting call in Toronto, 200 guys answered an ad for older, bigger models. A Harlequin spokeswoman said they were seeking an "iconic look that women go for -- sexy, sensitive, beautiful and fit. We want real men...exactly what you think in your mind when you're fantasizing or imagining that ideal man."

* And not his teenage son.

* You know, the Jim Belushi type.

* It's for a new line of romance novels called the "Chunka-Chunka Burnin' Love" series.

* Nobody can figure out how it happened, but the winner of the casting call was Sanjaya Malakar.

* Of course, the female cover models will still be 22 and willowy.

And SO Comfortable! - Two years after South African inventor Sonnet Ehlers invented an anti-rape device that she calls Rapex, she finally won a patent and is about to start marketing it. It's like a female condom, except with a row of tiny, sharp teeth that attach to the penis. Critics say it could be misused by vengeful women, but Ehlers claims it is just meant to drive away would-be rapists and identify them, since they have to go to a doctor to have it removed. The device will start being mass-produced in China next month.

* And you thought Chinese finger traps were bad!

* This will also be popular with women who are dating masochists.

* If a man comes to a doctor with a row of tiny teeth in his penis, the doctor will know that he's either a rapist or he's dating a piranha.

World's Coolest Mugshot - Thursday on Hollywood Boulevard, Batman was arrested. A street performer who dresses as Batman for tourist photos used a portable toilet rented by striking union workers. They protested, an argument ensued, and Batman reportedly got aggressive, removed his cape and started daring them to fight. The Jimmy Kimmel Show, which films next door, got video of the cops handcuffing Batman, putting him in the back of a patrol car, and taking him away.

* To find out what happened to him, tune in tomorrow! Same Bat-time, Same Bat-channel!

* Of course, that wasn't the real Batman, kids...That was Bizarro Batman.

* You know someone on Hollywood Boulevard is ready for a serious brawl when he takes off his cape.

* The strikers were upset because he got bat guano all over their Porta-Potty.

Call Rosie O'Donnell For Clean-Up! - Photographer Troy Paiva was capturing iimages in the Mojave Desert when he stumbled upon nearly an acre of food left to rot. He said there were "pallets and pallets and pallets" of food, including cases of yogurt and Reddi-Whip, all filled with bugs and smelling like dead animals. It was traced back to the Orange County Food Bank, which explained that when they get big corporate donations that would go bad before they can be eaten, they are sent to a pig farm for feed, and the farmer apparently dumped the surplus in the desert without permission. But he couldn't explain why there were also cases of toothpaste left there.

* Because the pigs refused to brush their teeth...They're PIGS!

* The pigs wouldn't eat the yogurt, and neither would the homeless people.

* You can't get rid of Reddi-Whip by dumping it in the Mojave Desert. It has a shelf life of 250,000 years.
* The cases of rotting yogurt were sitting on cases of moldy Ritz crackers, disproving the theory that everything's better when it sits on a Ritz.

Deal Involves Suicide Pact - The Jinling Evening Post reports that a 45-year-old bachelor named Mr. Li from Nanjing City, China, is advertising on the Internet for a female tombmate. He said he was talking with friends in a bar about life and death, and they talked about how sad it is to be alone, even after death, so he got the idea for the ad for someone to share his tomb when he dies. He describes himself as single but sociable. He told a reporter, "I don't want a relationship with her. I just want to find someone to share the lonely tomb."

* If he just wants a cold, stiff woman lying next to him, he needs to get a wife.

* He describes himself as least right now.

* You know you're a confirmed bachelor when you can't stand to live with a woman unless you're both dead.


Cutting The Cheese - The London Sun reports that Stewart Laidlaw of Fife, England, has been banned from his favorite pub, Thirsty Kirsy's, over his proud farting. The owner said, "The smell is disgusting, and when he drops one, he'll shout and wave his arms so everyone can smell it." Laidlaw is said to be "very angry" at being banned, but other customers said they'd had enough of him "basking in the glory of his smells."

* Hey, is it his fault the pub serves boiled eggs and pigs' knuckles?

* He's just trying to be all that he can be, and this is all that he can be.

* His wife is now begging the bar to take him back.

* He just loved having a bar where everybody knows his name.


The Anti-Glare Thing Alone Cost $20! - The British luxury goods maker LLuvaglio has created the first laptop computer that costs $1 million (US). Details have yet to be released, but the CEO said they didn't just want to offer a normal laptop encrusted with diamonds, so they created unique features, such as a Blue-Ray drive and a special anti-reflective glare coating for the screen. He said there are diamonds on it, but they are functional, such as a very rare colored diamond that doubles as both the power button and a security ID to prove the laptop is yours.

* People can tell it's yours from the fact that you're also wearing a diamond-studded pocket protector.

* For a million bucks, that laptop had better give me lap dances.

* It also comes with special software to help you keep track of your drug-smuggling empire.

The Purses Even A Man Will Hold - WSPA-TV reports that Spartanburg, South Carolina, designer Jenifer Steller's daughters were always bringing her leftover beading and fringe to recycle, and it gave her the idea for her new "Bravura" purse line: purses made from recycled bra cups. Steller said they are lacy and elegant enough to carry to weddings or proms, and they're "kind of exciting for women because they are carrying around their little secret."

* Their little Victoria's Secret...

* News flash: most girls who go to proms end up carrying their bras in their hands.

* It inspired Dolly Parton to turn her old bras into a set of matching luggage.

I Just Couldn't Take Any More - The London Daily Mail claims that Tom Jones was warned by a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon that after years of eyelifts, chin tucks and other work, if he has any more done, his face might collapse. Jones explained that the doctor told him, "'You've got to be careful with your eyes.' He advised me against having anything else done. He said I should try to look as natural as I can."

* The only way he can still do that is to stand next to Michael Jackson.

* His eyes tend to dry out because he can no longer blink.

* The doctor suggested that when women throw panties at him, he should wear them over his head.


* (CAREFUL!) At a showing of "Apocalypto" at California State University Northridge, a professor of Mayan studies began complaining to Mel Gibson about alleged racism and inaccuracies, and Gibson replied, "F--- you, lady, make your own movie" as she was escorted out...Probably one of those troublemaking Jewish Mayans...She can't make her own movie! Who'd be dumb enough to bankroll a movie about ancient Mayans?!

* Victor "Macho Man" Willis, the former cop from the Village People, was arrested again in San Diego after his girlfriend complained that he'd choked and threatened her...He'd threatened to sing "YMCA" for the 10,000th time...The most shocking part of the story: one of the Village People has a GIRLFRIEND!

* In a move that debt counselors hailed as a symbol of the problems with mortgage lending, a 102-year-old man in East Sussex, England, was granted a 25-year, $380,000 mortgage loan that won't be paid off until he's 127...So what? I also have a $380,000 mortgage that won't be paid off until I'm 127...At least he had collateral: a $380,000 life insurance policy.

* A study of nursing staff workers in the UK found that married people suffered much less workplace stress than singles because they were able to go home and talk to their spouses about their job problems...But they do eventually suffer stress from the divorce...All the single hospital workers are under tremendous stress from having sex with each other, or so I learned from "Grey's Anatomy."

* At an auction in North Carolina, a rare 1823 "official" copy of the Declaration of Independence sold for $477,650. The seller was Nashville music technician Michael Sparks, who had bought it in a thrift store for $2.48...He talked them down from $2.99...That's the document that declared war with England over high taxes. And half the proceeds of the sale will go to pay the taxes.

* Postal worker Kenneth Fox of Pinellas County, Florida, says his arthritis requires him to keep moving, so he's suing the US Postal Service under the Americans with Disabilities Act for making him take lunch breaks...He won't rest until this is over!...He's a postal worker who's ticked off, in pain, and not able to take a break. Well, there's a recipe for disaster!

* Saturday, Tara Conner turned over her crown to new Miss USA Rachel Smith of Tennessee, who will go on to the Miss Universe pageant...Meanwhile, Tara will go on to the World Chugalug Championships in Milwaukee...Smith won all the competitions, including Swimsuit, Evening Gown and Breathalyzer...As always, the first runner-up will assume the crown in the event that the winner is unable to fulfill her duties due to a wicked hangover.

* Sunday night on NBC's "Grease: You're the One That I Want," TV viewers nationwide voted Max Crumm and Laura Osnes to play the lead roles of Danny and Sandy in a $10 million Broadway revival of "Grease"...Which will close in a week because nobody ever heard of the stars...The investors replied, "Really? Those are the ones they want?!"...Voters determined them to be the two greasiest performers in America...Max Crumm barely edged out Sanjaya Malakar.

Mystery Science Theatre returns, sort of:

The Road Most Traveled By - On this day in 1875, poet Robert Frost died, and on the same day in 1892, poet Walt Whitman died.

* Rod McKuen will be spending the day in bed with the covers pulled up.

Dum-Dum-Dum-Duuuuuuum Joke - On this day in 1827, composer Ludwig van Beethoven died.

* And ever since, he's been decomposing.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Highly Illogical - Keira Knightley (22), Juvenile (32), T.R. Knight (34), Kenny Chesney (39), Michael Imperioli (41), Jennifer Grey (47), Leeza Gibbons (50), Ronnie McDowell (57), Martin Short (57), Teddy Pendergrass (57), Vicki Lawrence (58), Steven Tyler (59), Johnny Crawford (61), Diana Ross (63), Bob Woodward (64), Erica Jong (65), James Caan (67), Nancy Pelosi (67), Alan Arkin (73), Sandra Day O'Connor (77), Pierre Boulez (82), and Leonard Nimoy (76). Coincidently, on this day in 1859, French astronomer Urbain Jean Joseph Leverrier thought he sighted a new planet inside Mercury's orbit and named it Vulcan.

* And being French, he immediately surrendered to it.

* Nimoy also tried singing on several albums, and proved that his Vulcan ears weren't the only thing about him that was ridiculously sharp.



The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Thursday - February 8, 2007

The public seems fascinated that astronaut Lisa Nowak wore diapers to avoid stopping on her long drive to intercept a love rival. So NASA reminded people that all astronauts wear diapers, since they can't use the bathroom during launches or long spacewalks...So when they call space "where no man has gone before," that's not exactly true...Most of the original NASA astronauts wear them all the time...And of course, they all wear them during reentry, for obvious reasons.

They Need Monitoring - British Telecom revealed some of the dumbest consumer IT calls they've handled. When a caller was told to click on "My Computer," he said, "I don't have your computer, just mine." One caller was told to "press any key" and couldn't find the "any key." A woman said, "I met a man on the Internet; can you give me his phone number?" One wanted to know how to change the monitor from the word processing channel back to the Internet channel. One asked if spyware let people see him getting undressed through the monitor. Someone said he couldn't see his family in Australia and when asked what kind of webcam he had, replied, "What's a webcam?" And a man complained that his mouse pad wasn't wired up. When told mouse pads don't have wires, he asked, "Well, how does it know where my mouse is? Is it wireless?"

* No! It's satellite technology.

* If you don't have an "any key," just press every key.

* If they ever develop spyware that lets everyone see you getting undressed, Paris Hilton will buy it.

* There were also complaints that the cursor kept turning into a little hand that was giving them the finger.

* Their most frequently-asked question: "Do Apples have to be refrigerated?"

Very Slow News Day In Mobile - Ernie and Lynn Seewer of Mobile, Alabama, are protesting the war in Iraq with a "bed-in." They said that when letters and e-mails didn't end the war, they took inspiration from John Lennon and Yoko Ono. They still go to work and go about their daily lives, but at night, they sleep in the living room. But it's a bigger sacrifice than it sounds: Ernie told the local paper that moving the bed into the living room was "rough...You take it apart, and you move the couch around and the coffee table around. It was kind of a big project."

* But it'll be worth it when it ends the war in Iraq.

* Bush will have no choice but to recall all the troops when he hears they moved the coffee table.

* Something tells me this is the biggest project of his entire life.

* Even if it doesn't end the war, it will be worth it, since the bedroom smells like cat pee.

You Can Dodge Bullets! - Parents have told kids for years that playing too many video games will make them go blind, but it turns out, they're actually good for your eyes. A University of Rochester researcher found that people who played action video games for a few hours a day improved their vision by about 20 percent in a month. Prof. Daphne Bavelier said, "These games push the human visual system to the limits and the brain adapts to it. That learning carries over into other activities and possibly everyday life."

* For instance, you wouldn't believe how fast your trigger finger gets.

* (CAREFUL!) Playing a lot of video games is so good for your eyes, it makes up for all the masturbating.

I'll Go To Her Concert On Sunday - Oh Ellen DeGeneres's show, Christina Aguilera revealed her secret to keeping her marriage alive: "Naked Sundays." She said. "We don't need to go anywhere, we're just with each other. We do everything naked. We cook naked." Ellen replied, "Nothing with grease; that could splatter." Christina said, "Well, unless you want the grease."

* Didn't she already try being naked and greasy back in that "Dirrty" video?

* This marriage will last FOREVER.

* Know what's even better? Naked ice cream sundaes.

* That's good marital advice, but what about for churchgoers?

* Being naked all day only keeps your marriage together if you look like Christina Aguilera.

The Mask Of Calm - E! Online reports that Jim Carrey plans to write a self-help book called "Be Ready to be OK." He said it will just be things he thinks about and what he believes. For instance, he thinks "most things we get upset about in life can be avoided if we just went in ready to be okay when things happen. 'Okay, I'm getting in the car right now, so chances are I could hit some traffic. Be ready to be okay with that. Deal with it.'"

* Don't overreact, or make outrageous facial expressions...

* Jim Carrey is known for his pervasive sense of calm.

* Be ready to deal with things that are tragic and unpleasant, like "Son of the Mask" or "Dumb And Dumberer."

Gonna Drown Now - The residents of Zitiste, Serbia, are sick of only making the news when their town has a flood or other disaster. So to change their image, they want to erect a giant statue of Rocky Balboa. A spokesman for the new Association of Rocky Balboa said the statue is a symbol of the town's ability to get beaten up and knocked down, but to bounce back.

* Better make it earthquake-proof.

* The statue will make a fine symbol, until a flood knocks it down and it breaks into a million pieces.

* If they want to build a tourist attraction, how about the world's largest punching bag?

Next, On "Boston Legal" - Married lawyers Mary and Ted Roberts of San Antonio, Texas, are facing theft charges after Mary allegedly had affairs with four men, and Ted then threatened them if they didn't pay him damages for his emotional distress, he'd sue and expose them to hate, contempt and ridicule. He reportedly collected about $140,000 from the men to drop his claims and not tell their wives. The couple are arguing that this wasn't blackmail, and that approaching people with a legal claim and offering to quietly settle it is something that lawyers do all the time.

* Uh-huh..."blackmail."

* (CAREFUL!) Also, screwing people for money is something that lawyers do all the time.

* She has sex with men, and they pay him? That's not theft, it's just pimping; so it's normal behavior for lawyers.

* The cheating aside, they really make a great team.

* They just didn't want to be exposed to hate, contempt and ridicule if people found out they were having sex with a lawyer.

Claire Is A Mean Drunk - Gary Maujean of Pinellas Park, Florida, plans to sue Claire's Lounge for discrimination after he was allegedly thrown out by a bouncer and needed 12 stitches in his head. He says it's because he was drinking soda instead of ordering booze, due to him being his group's designated driver. The bar owner denied that, claiming he didn't order anything at all.

* So they had no choice but to bash his skull against a door.

* The bar didn't know how to deal with a designated driver; they've never had one before.

* The irony is that after getting those 12 stitches, he really could've used a drink.

Men Are From Mars, Gays Are From Penis - Mars Corp. has decided to pull the ad that debuted during the Super Bowl, in which two auto mechanics eating a Snickers bar accidentally kiss, then pull out their chest hair to prove they're manly. They got a number of complaints that it was homophobic.

* Also, that it associated Snickers bars with sweaty, matted chest hair.

* Besides, only metrosexuals rip out their chest hair while denying they're gay.

* The stockholders were yelling, "Yank it! Yank it!," which their ad agency thought was kinda gay.

* To prove they're gay-friendly, they're working on a really explicit commercial for Butterfinger.

Be Glad Raheem Brock Wasn't QB - Chicago Bears fan Scott Wiese of Decatur, Illinois, lost a Super Bowl bet he made in writing at a local piano bar, so he has now begun the legal process of changing his name to that of Colts quarterback, Peyton Manning. He said his sacrifice reveals the true passion of Bears fans.

* Piano bars?

* But Bears fans didn't hear him because they refuse to listen to Peyton Manning.

That's What He Does - William Kane, author of "Kiss Like A Star," says that new variations on kissing are being invented all the time, and people can learn them from Hollywood. His book shows close-ups of 60 movie kisses with instructions on performing them, from the sweep-her-off-her-feet kiss in "Gone With The Wind" to Johnny Depp's French kiss in "Cry-Baby." The more unusual kisses include the "ice cream kiss" from "The Notebook," in which Rachel McAdams shoved a cone into Ryan Gosling's face and licked it off, and the "vacuum kiss" from "Coneheads." Kane said if readers have no one to practice with, they can make a "mouth" with their left hand, stick their right thumb through it as a tongue, and practice French kissing on their hand.

* He learned that from a big Hollywood star: Pee Wee Herman.

* Keep in mind that whenever you shake a geek's hand, he's probably just been doing that.

* (CAREFUL!) And once they get their hand turned on enough, who knows where it will lead...

* Most guys learned how to French kiss by watching a big Hollywood star: Lassie.

* I like the "Nobody's Buyin' This" Kiss, made famous by Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

Who Says Sharon Stone Isn't A Great Actress? - For Valentine's Day, Maxim magazine compiled a list of the worst movie and TV love scenes ever. They include Joe Pesci and Sharon Stone in "Casino," Jack Nicholson kissing a sexy ghost who turns into a rotting corpse in "The Shining," and J-Lo's "gobble-gobble" scene with Ben Affleck in "Gigli." At #2 was "Crash," in which car crash fetishist James Spader has sex with Rosanna Arquette's leg wound. But beating them all was Rosie O'Donnell yakking constantly while Julian McMahon grinds away on her on "Nip/Tuck."

* Filming that scene turned her gay...Julian, too.

* You almost wish it had been an oral sex scene, just so she'd finally have to shut up.

* That was so bad, Julian was actually fantasizing that she'd turned into a rotting corpse.

* If you don't have a date for Valentine's Day, just watch these movies and be put off sex forever.


Urban Legend - Keith Urban is suing the owner of, a New Jersey painter named Keith Urban. The singer accused the artist of cybersquatting and using his name to try to confuse people into thinking he's the singer. One problem with that claim: the painter registered the site in 1999, a year before Urban's debut album came out. Also, his real name is Keith Urban, while the singer's real name is Keith Urbahn, and he changed it to Urban.

* He was trying to confuse people into thinking he was the painter from New Jersey.

* There's no other conclusion: the artist is a psychic cybersquatter!

* Well, who wouldn't want people to think you're a country singer fresh out of rehab?

* This could possibly mean that Nicole Kidman married the wrong man!...Hey, it's happened before.


* A Texas man who owns the window from which Lee Harvey Oswald shot President Kennedy is offering it on eBay at a starting bid of $100,000...Install it in the front of your house and keep obnoxious neighbors far away...It's great for hunters: you can make IMPOSSIBLE shots from that window.

* Galtee Merci, the most prolific bull in Ireland, has died after fathering at least 100,000 offspring. Over 10 percent of the nation's milk cow population is related to him...That's gonna be a big funeral...And to think, he never actually had sex...He's to Irish cows what Mick Jagger is to Brazilian models.

He Wanted To Hear Paul Harvey - On this day in 1922, President Warren G. Harding had the first radio installed in the White House.

* He immediately had it removed after he discovered the DJs were all telling jokes about his sex life.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Spot The Virgin - Seth Green (33), Vince Neil (46), John Grisham (52), Mary Steenburgen (54), Brooke Adams (58), Dan Seals (59), Robert Klein (65), Nick Nolte (66), Ted Koppel (67), Jack Larson (74), John Williams (75) and Gary Coleman is 39. Gary is a sci-fi nut who considers "Star Trek" creator Gene Roddenberry to be a god, and he once said he remained a virgin because he was afraid women only wanted his money.

* That's crazy!...Gary Coleman doesn't have any money!

* Of course, it couldn't be because he's a very short Trekkie.



The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Tuesday - November 28, 2006

Bill Clinton Was Downright Hot - Quinnipiac University released its latest likability poll of all potential 2008 presidential candidates. Respondents were asked to rank how warmly they feel toward candidates from zero to 100 degrees on a "feelings thermometer." Rudy Giuliani was #1 with 64.2 degrees, followed by Barak Obama, John McCain and Condoleezza Rice. And in what a poll spokesman called "bad, bad news" for John Kerry, 95 percent of respondents said they know enough about him, and it's enough not to like him. Kerry finished dead last in likability with a temperature of 39.6 degrees.

* Which, coincidentally, is his body temperature.

* If his candidacy assumed room temperature, it would actually be an improvement.

* You know you're in trouble when you're up against Hillary Clinton, and people think you're the cold one.

* Of course, we won't know which candidates will survive until the media finishes giving them the ol' rectal thermometer.

Joey Tribbiani Played A Woman Trapped In A Man's Body - The ABC soap opera "All My Children" is introducing its first transgender character, a male rock star named Zarf (actor Jeffrey Carlson) who is changing into a woman. His attraction to a lesbian helps him realize he's a woman trapped in a man's body. The producers are working with GLAAD and say they want to produce groundbreaking TV, but the editor of "Soap Opera Weekly" noted the show's ratings have slid nearly 60 percent since 1991, "and they're throwing a whole lot of desperate stuff against the wall to see what sticks."

* (CAREFUL!!) Now, they've got an actor throwing his penis against the wall to see if it comes unstuck.

* Like last season, when Erika Kane got a sex change, then married and divorced herself.

* Oh come on! All  men are attracted to soap opera lesbians because all lesbians on soap operas are incredibly hot!

* Most of the guys on soap operas are so pretty, I think they already turned into women.

* Most male characters on soap operas just want one part of themselves to be inside a woman's body.

From "Stop The Presses" Press - In a new book, "The Female Mind," psychiatrist Dr. Luan Brizendine confirms what many suspected: women talk a lot more than men. The average woman says 20,000 words a day, compared to 7,000 for a man. Women also speak more quickly; far more of their brain cells are devoted to talking; and when they talk, it unleashes a flood of brain chemicals that give women a rush similar to the high heroin addicts feel. But in males, Dr. Brizendine says testosterone shrinks the parts of the brain responsible for talking and hearing, allowing men to be conveniently "deaf" to what women are saying; but they make up for it with the part of the brain responsible for sexual thoughts, which is twice as big in men as in women.

* That's why men don't talk: if they said what they were thinking, they'd get slapped all the time.

* This allows the man to finish having sex without getting distracted by all the blabbing from the woman.

* Women say 20,000 words a day, but men only hear the seven dirty ones.

* She's also writing "The Male Mind," but it's really more of a pamphlet.

* The new transsexual character on "All My Children" will talk to himself but he won't listen.

Family Leave Of Your Senses - A court in Vereeniging, South Africa, fined Charles Sibindana 1,000 rand ($180 US) for forgery after he stole a medical certificate from his girlfriend's doctor, filled in his name and used it as proof that he was sick and needed to take a week off work. His scam was discovered because he apparently didn't notice that the doctor was a gynecologist at his pregnant girlfriend's prenatal clinic, and the forged certificate said he needed time off work because he was pregnant.

* He looked  pregnant, but that was just the beer belly.

* His girlfriend really hopes that I.Q. isn't genetic.

* Every time this guy gets a week off work, somebody  ends up pregnant.

* He should've claimed he had a hysterical pregnancy, because it was pretty hysterical.

Ted Kennedy Will Help Those Milk Maids! - PNC Wealth Management, which every year calculates the cost of all the gifts mentioned in "The 12 Days of Christmas," reports that the 2006 price rose 3.1 percent to a record $18,920, or $30,330 if you bought all the items off the Internet. If you bought the gifts for all of the 12 days mentioned, it would total $75,122. The cheapest is the partridge, holding steady at $15, but a boom in landscaping boosted pear tree prices by 40 percent. For the first time in years, labor costs outpaced inflation, so hiring nine dancers cost 4 percent more than in 2005. But the eight maids a-milking remained unchanged thanks to no rise in the minimum wage.

* But the damn Democrats are about to raise it and RUIN CHRISTMAS!!

* This is only a suggestion, but maybe this year, for a change, your true love might be happier just getting a crockpot.

* The four calling birds were a little cheaper because they got a cell phone plan with unlimited minutes.

* If you're on a budget, consider replacing the 12 drummers drumming with a drum machine.

* If you ever wonder who'd want a Chia Pet for Christmas, remember: Anything beats getting 11 bagpipers.

O'Crap! - The Irish Sun newspaper reports that Ireland's dumbest crook had to be rescued again. The unnamed man first tried to burgle a house and got stuck in the chimney. In his next attempt at crime, he got stuck to the ceiling of a bank, and police found him dangling by one leg and stuffing cash into his underpants. Then, over this past weekend, he robbed a betting shop and as he was fleeing, a truck hit him. The Sun claims police advised him to "go straight before you kill yourself."

* Ireland might have to pass a "three strikes, you're out" law just to keep this guy alive.

* His lawyer is Gloria Allred...She's suing the truck driver.

* Why do I suspect this guy only commits crimes to get money to buy Guinness?

His Parents Are So Proud - Jon Sanford of Jackson, Wisconsin, is hoping to get into the Guinness Book of Records for having the world's longest arm hair. Sanford takes good care of his arm hair, shampooing and conditioning it regularly, and he managed to grow one strand to 4.1 inches, which he hopes will be accepted as breaking the record of 3.96 inches. To verify his claim, he had to get two witnesses he didn't know and who were respected in the community to swear that it really was his arm hair, so the fire chief and a local police officer backed him up.

* They've both received 911 calls for Bigfoot sightings that turned out to be Jon.

* He should've asked the Roto-Rooter men who have to clean out his shower drain every other day.

* He would've asked a couple of ex-girlfriends, but he's never had a girlfriend.

* The editors have to verify that that's his arm hair and not just Andy Rooney's eyebrow hair.

* He's so hairy, he's like a human Robin Williams!

Heavens, What A Smell! - The Daily Telegraph reports that real estate agent Julian Bending of Glastonbury, England, has a unique sales method: blunt honesty. He says people have seen too many glowing ads for bad houses and don't trust agents anymore, but both buyers and sellers know he won't waste their time. He uses such descriptive terms as "grim late '70s conversion," "would suit witch," and "suitable for a midget." One ad warned of the smell, saying, "Dear God, it's difficult to imagine a more disgusting house," while another house was said to have "all the charm...of a vicar on crack." A spokesman for the local diocese said they weren't offended, but "we don't need crack to get high. We're reaching for the heavens through spiritual means."

* So he obviously disapproves of honesty.

* We'll know how well this works as soon as he actually sells a house.

* Luckily, most of Bending's clients are witches and midgets.

* This is like letting Dr. House sell your house.

* If you think those are bad, you should see his ads for rental houses.

Worst Service - Jim and Melissa Rittenberg of Ellisville, Missouri, wanted better family movies, so they paid $1600 for a new camcorder at Best Buy. But they say when they opened the box, instead of a camera, there was a jar of Classico spaghetti sauce inside. When they took it back, a Best Buy manager told them the box was sealed in the store, so it couldn't have happened there and they'd get no replacement. Jim, a school speech pathologist, said he's no thief and filed a police report. A Best Buy spokesman said they've yet to decide how to resolve the problem. Meanwhile, Melissa warned other shoppers to open boxes before leaving Best Buy to make sure there's not pasta sauce inside.

* That would be using your noodle.

* Unless you stood in line all night to get a voucher for really cheap pasta sauce.

* Nah, they'd still accuse you of planting it there.

* Shop there enough and all you'll be able to afford to eat is spaghetti.

* Best Buy will argue that it was still a quality product because it was Classico instead of Ragu.

For more horror stories about Best Buy, visit Or just ask me.

Who Had November In The Betting Pool? - Less than four months after Pamela Anderson married Kid Rock repeatedly in various locations, to demonstrate how committed the two were, she has filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences. The New York Post quotes an insider as saying that Kid's explosive temper was to blame, and the last straw was when he allegedly blew up after a showing of "Borat," screaming, "You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut! How could you do that movie?"

* He married the star of the "Pam & Tommy" video, and he thought "Borat" made her look like a slut?

* How could she let herself be bagged by Borat?!

* A lesson for us all: Don't marry a 35-year-old man named "Kid."

* They plan to get divorced in France, Detroit and California, to make sure it sticks.

* They'll split everything equally...He's seeking custody of her right boob.


* Monday, NBC News announced that it would start referring to the violence in Iraq as a "civil war," which the White House says it's not...Bush still insists there's nothing civil about it.

* Monday, the Dow tumbled 158 points on reports that opening holiday weekend sales at Wal-Mart weren't as high as expected...Maybe that just means we're all getting a much better class of Christmas gifts this year...Only on Wall Street would they think the big problem over the weekend was that Wal-Mart wasn't crowded enough...On the other hand, Best Buy sold thousands of jars of spaghetti sauce for $1600 each.

* A study by AC Neilsen found that cosmetic surgery is not only changing how people look but how they feel about middle age, which used to start at 40. 60 percent of Americans now believe that their sixties are the new middle age...More proof that Americans suck at math...So more good news: we're all going to live to 120!...60 is the new 40, as long as you look 35.

* Chicago officials asked organizers of a German Christmas festival to reject ads for the movie "The Nativity Story" because it might offend non-Christians...And Christmas festivals are just crawling with those...In that case, they might also want to get rid of their NATIVITY SCENE!!

* Yoko Ono put out a call to make December 8, the anniversary of John Lennon's death, into a worldwide day of healing by apologizing to everyone who has suffered from violence and war...But you can only apologize for pain you inflicted yourself, so she should apologize for singing.

* In the wake of the Michael Richards rant, Jesse Jackson called the "N-word" "unprotected" as free speech and called on the entertainment industry to bar its use in all forms...And suddenly, rappers and Def Comedy Jam stars began defending Michael Richards.

Dave Barry's annual gift guide, this year featuring Paris Hilton toilet paper, the finger-shaped nose hair trimmer and the Marie Antoinette action figure with removable head, among others. If you don't want to register with, go to for a password.

The "Lost Episode" of "Seinfeld," from National Lampoon:

I Be Ma-Jellin'! - On this day in 1520, Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan, the first man to circumnavigate the globe, reached the Pacific Ocean.

* He immediately lost all his ambition and just hung out there for 30 years.

Paris Hilton's Favorite Holiday - On this day in 1948, the first Polaroid camera went on sale in Boston.

* Unfortunately, all the pictures taken with it were banned in Boston.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
She'll Blow The Candles For $400 Million - Jon Stewart (44), Judd Nelson (47), Ed Harris (56), Paul Shaffer (57), Randy Newman (63), Bruce Channel (66), Gary Hart (70), Berry Gordy Jr. (77) and Anna Nicole Smith is 39.

* Just two more years to go, and her age will match her I.Q.



The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Thursday - September 28, 2006

Sorry, Philly Fans – Last night, the sports media in Dallas went crazy when police reported that Cowboys football star Terrell Owens had attempted suicide. But Owens held a press conference and claimed it was all a misunderstanding: he'd taken a couple of pain killers for a broken finger; they reacted with his nutritional supplement pills to make him incoherent; and his PR agent saw an empty pill bottle, thought he'd attempted suicide and dialed 911. He insisted he was not depressed. Some reporters still refused to believe him.

* That made him very, very depressed.

* Reporters refuse to believe that a Dallas Cowboy didn't take too many drugs on purpose.

* The real story is that he passed out from huffing new Ferrari fumes.

* One thing we can all agree on: his PR agent is doing a great job!

Same Enigmatic Smile As The Mona Lisa Bonet - A team of Canadian and French scientists used high-tech infrared tools to do the most in-depth study ever of the Mona Lisa, and they think the secret of her enigmatic smile is that she had just given birth. She's wearing a black filmy veil worn by new mothers at the time that was obscured for centuries by a layer of varnish, and records revealed she'd had a baby boy just before Leonardo DaVinci began painting her in the early 1500s.

* She was smiling because she was able to drop the baby weight before she had her picture made.

* So her inscrutable expression is due to the fact that she was sleep-deprived.

* Her secret was that the real father of her baby was her lover, Kevino Federlino.

* The infrared cameras can look so deep into the painting, they could tell she had a C-section.

The Crappiest Place On Earth - Men's Health Magazine ranked the 100 angriest cities in America, based on assault records, traffic congestion, men's blood pressure readings and more. Surprisingly, New York ranked a mellow #57, but music doesn't seem to soothe anyone: Memphis ranked #8, and Nashville was #5. Four of the top 10 angriest cities were in sunny Florida: Jacksonville (#9), Miami (#7), St. Petersburg (#2), and home of the "happiest place on Earth," Orlando, #1. Experts said maybe the ranking was skewed by all the old people in Orlando with high blood pressure, or maybe residents don't like having to deal with so many tourists.

* (CAREFUL!) Or maybe they're just really pissed about being old!

* Or maybe they've heard "It's A Small World" so many times, they're ready to explode.

* Orlando's city council is furious about being ranked as the angriest city.

* In Orlando, all seven dwarfs are Grumpy.

* People in Memphis and Nashville will feel much happier once Elvis comes back.

Majorly Out Of Uniform - The US Army is investigating allegations that some women in the 410th Quartermaster Unit of the Kentucky National Guard posed nude with their M-16s and other military equipment. The Louisville Courier-Journal received a CD with 232 photos of about a half-dozen nude and semi-nude women posing with rifles, kissing each other and covering their breasts with American flag decals. If they are soldiers, a Guard spokesman said they could be court-martialed, adding, "This is not the kind of activity condoned by the command leadership of the Kentucky National Guard."

* Unless the ones kissing each other are cousins.

* After all, it's not the California National Guard.

* To be fair, their breasts are standing at attention.

* I think they should be commended for finding a way to make every man rise for the flag.

* On the plus side, there's nothing left to ask or tell.

Dancing In The Dark - An audit of county records in Tampa, Florida, found that undercover cops investigating nudity and liquor violations in a bikini bar spent over $6,000 in taxpayer money on drinks, tips and 92 lap dances. The sheriff said sometimes, that's what it takes to get rid of problems, and the vice squad asked for the club's alcohol permit to be revoked. The detectives also brought nudity charges against 15 dancers, but were unable to identify 34 others.

* Well, they were drunk.

* They were too close to see their faces.

* The cops don't recognize them with their clothes on...But I bet they could pick them out of a topless lineup.

* That's why they love being cops: the pay stinks, but the fringe benefits are great.

Rename Him "Chip" - Juliette Piesley of Surrey, England, started her car with her dog. She had changed the battery in her electronic key, then couldn't get her car to start. An auto breakdown patrolman came to help, realized the immobilizer broadcasting chip was missing from the key, and figured out that her dog George must've eaten it. He placed the dog in the front seat, and the ignition started right up. He said Piesley will just have to take the dog in the car everywhere she goes until nature takes its course.

* (CAREFUL!) This gives new meaning to the term, "piece-of-crap car."

* She should've suspected this, since it's happened to her cell phone three times.

* When she drives, the dog hangs his head out the window, and all the garage doors open as they pass.

Busted In 30 Minutes Or Less! - reports that Alex Sawyer and Andrew Wilkins of Stallings, North Carolina, were charged with breaking into a Domino's Pizza at 5:30 a.m. after officer Mike Kane noticed them inside. Wilkins previously worked there and had been fired. He denied stealing anything, but claimed they had just broken in to bake a batch of Domino's new brownies with the "warm, chocolatey center." A batch of brownies valued at $5 was recovered. Miss Sawyer was also charged with possessing a marijuana pipe. * Suddenly, the urgent need for brownies becomes clear.

* Good thing the cop was outside Domino's at 5:30 a.m., waiting for them to open.

* Police confiscated the brownies, and the two were soon released for lack of evidence.

They Didn't Even Kiss Us Goodbye! - In DeKalb, Georgia, police are searching for three masked men who entered the Starship Enterprise adult novelty store and robbed it at gunpoint. They subdued the staffers by cuffing them with handcuffs sold at the store for sex games.

* Who knew mink fur could be so restraining?

* They were lucky, when you consider some of the other merchandise that could've been used on them.

* As the robbers fled, the clerks called out, "Wait, don't you want us to strip?!"

Tanks For The Mammaries - The leaders of Thailand's bloodless military coup have banned go-go dancers from performing for troops in the streets. Monday, a radio station paid a group of scantily-clad women to dance for soldiers in tanks near the Royal Plaza. Coup leaders say the soldiers were ordered to keep smiling, but they have now banned all dancing near tanks, saying, "We have to maintain the seriousness of the coup."

* So don't call them go-go girls; call them coup-coup girls.

* To maintain seriousness, it will be the first military coup with a two-drink minimum.

* But scantily-clad dancing girls are the whole reason they signed up for the coup!

* Question: did they really have  to order the soldiers to smile?

Gives You a Potty Mouth - Kenneth Affolter of Oakland, California, agreed to plead guilty and take a 70-month jail term for manufacturing a variety of parody candies and soft drinks made with marijuana. He admitted to have 11 employees working in two facilities to turn out such products as "Munchy Way," "Pot Tarts," "Toka-Cola" and "Puffsi." The DEA agent in charge said, "While real candy may give you cavities, these individuals know that marijuana candy can get you jail time."

* Especially if it has trans fats!

* And once you're in jail, they'll search all your cavities.

* Under California law, he was selling a product that contained a banned substance: refined sugar.

Barrel-Chested Babe - Someone on eBay was selling a unique prop from "Austin Powers 2": the actual Fembot version of Liz Hurley. It's a very realistic silicone and fiberglass model, with a removable face that reveals a metal face underneath. Unfortunately, there are only holes where her nipples should be because in the movie, gun barrels popped out there, and they weren't included. The seller claimed it would be a simple task to mount fake ones. Bidding topped $3,000 before eBay yanked the item.

* Too bad, 'cause this would be a great buy for any man who likes to mount fake ones.

* Maybe the buyer just decided he couldn't bear to part with it.

* It's sexy, mindless and 90 percent silicone, so it would be just like owning your own Hollywood actress.

LINK! You can still see it here:

Ben Affleck IS Superman! - has issued its latest annual list of celebrities who look best and worst on high-definition TV. The best include Ben Affleck, Christina Aguilera, Eva Longoria, Charlize Theron, Beyonce and at #1, Scarlett Johannson, who is described as looking so good in hi-def at the Golden Globes, she almost persuaded gay designer Isaac Mizrahi to change more than his clothes.

* (CAREFUL!) And a lot of male viewers who weren't gay had to change their shorts.

* Operative word: "almost."

* You've really gotta see those Golden Globes in high-definition.

* Never mind HDTV; I want to see Scarlett in 3-D TV.

Faces Made For Radio - The 10 worst-looking celebs in hi-def (counting down from #10) were Ray Liotta, Mick Jagger, Madonna, Meredith Viera, Burt Reynolds, Barbara Walters, Britney Spears, Teri Hatcher, Howard Stern, and at #1, Rosie O'Donnell. They said that in hi-def, Rosie's face is so rough, she looks like she scrubs it with a Brillo pad.

* Well, that IS her beauty regimen.

* (CAREFUL!) I don't even want to think about why Rosie's face looks like she's been rubbing it on a Brillo pad.

* Howard Stern just looks like a Brillo pad.


UPDATE! Virginia political analyst Larry Sabato, who said on TV that Sen. George Allen used the n-word in college 34 years ago, admitted he hadn't actually heard Allen say it, but people he knew in the '70s told him they heard it...Or heard "about" it.  Same thing, really...I can't even remember what I said in the 1970s...This is starting to sound more like the "b.s.-word"...These people will remain nameless, since he can't actually remember their names.

* A Yale study found that too much testosterone can kill brain cells, which might explain why steroids cause aggressive behavior...Actually, it explains a whole lot of things.

* Someone is shopping around a sex tape allegedly showing Dustin "Screech" Diamond of "Saved by the Bell" performing gross and disgusting sex acts with two women...But then, any sex act with Screech would be gross and disgusting...See, sometimes, censorship can be your friend.

* In a Forbes list, Tom Hanks was named the Most Trustworthy Celebrity, followed by Rachael Ray, Michael J. Fox, Oprah Winfrey and James Earl Jones...And that was pretty much it...(CAREFUL!) Also Paris Hilton, whom you can always trust to be a self-centered media whore.

UPDATE! When all the sales were tallied, Justin Timberlake's new CD managed to just barely beat Clay Aiken's and stay in the #1 chart position...But that's okay; Clay would prefer Justin on top.

MUST-SEE VIDEO! Best campaign ad so far:

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah! - On this day in 1963, New York DJ Murray The K received a copy of "She Loves You" and played it, marking the first time American radio listeners heard a Beatles song.

* Or any song by anyone who didn't have a crew cut.

But It Was Kept As A Form Of Recreation - On this day in 1850, flogging was abolished as a form of punishment in the U.S. Navy.

* The men were starting to like it too much.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Mira, Mira, On The Wall... - Hilary Duff (19), Naomi Watts (38), Moon Zappa (39), Sylvia Kristel (54), John Sayles (56), Jeffrey Jones (60), Ben E. King (68), Brigitte Bardot (72), Koko Taylor (78), Arnold Stang (81), William Windom (83). Also sharing a birthday: Carre Otis (38), Mira Sorvino (39), and Janeane Garofalo (42).

* Sounds like "Dating Game" Russian roulette.



The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Friday - September 1, 2006

"Nepotism 1.01" - Donald Trump has said, "You're fired," to his "Apprentice" sidekick Carolyn Kepcher. The New York Post claims that Trump thought she was acting like a movie star and focusing more on book deals and endorsements than on running his golf course. The ax reportedly fell after Trump tried to call her and she was out giving a speech, and she didn't know the prices of items in the club's golf shop. She's being replaced on the TV show by Trump's daughter, Ivanka. Ironically, Kepcher's business book, "Carolyn 1.01," included tips on how to handle a difficult boss.

* Tip #1: Be born into his family.

* If there's one thing Donald Trump can't stand, it's a spotlight-hogging egomaniac.

* Ivanka doesn't act like a movie star...She's a humble, level-headed fashion model.

* Ivanka is qualified to critique the female contestants since their business skills mostly consist of wearing miniskirts.

It's Just Not Working Out, George... - The paper said Trump appreciated that hhis other sidekick, 78-year-old real estate lawyer George Ross, never let TV fame go to his head. Nevertheless, he's also being replaced by Trump's son, Donald Jr.

* He has lots of real estate experience: he's built both a fort and a tree house...They were very exclusive properties, too: "No Gurlz Aloud."

* Well, I guess we know what his baby son Baron's first after-school job will be.

* Donald decided the ratings were down because the show just wasn't Trumpy enough.

No, That's Not A New Item At Taco Bell - Civil war might be brewing in Mexico: Manuel Lopez Obrador, the leftist candidate who lost the recent presidential election and its recounts by a tiny margin, is threatening to refuse to recognize the winner and to set up his own parallel government and have his supporters send their taxes to it. Rosanio Ibarra, a human rights activist who often appears with Obrador, said he can restore the republic and "We just hope there won't be any need to shoot anyone."

* With compassion like that, you can see why she became a human rights activist.

* Although under the new fantasy government, that will be legal.

* Think of all the people who could die because they didn't count the dangling chads.

* Al Gore must be kicking himself for not thinking of this.

* This is terrible! If there's civil war in Mexico, it could lead to a huge wave of Mexican refugees streaming across the US border and...oh, wait, never mind.

Crazy Foam - The Bangor Daily News reports that the Maine Army National Guard is helping to comfort the families of soldiers sent to the Middle East by providing them with life-size foam board cutout photos of their missing loved ones. They call them "Flat Daddies."

* For the wives, they're working on "Inflatable Daddies."

* Or if they prefer, they can get the Osama bin Laden dartboard instead.

* It looks like a man, but it never talks or expresses any emotions, so it's amazingly lifelike.

* Why don't we let the soldiers stay home, send a few million of these to Iraq, and scare the enemy into surrendering?

While Waxing - Police near Murg, Switzerland, pulled over a car that was zigzagging on the highway and found that the driver was a woman who was chatting on a handheld cell phone and simultaneously using her laptop computer. Police said she told them she was unaware of any wrongdoing and was just "driving like I always do."

* And like everybody else does.

* She now realizes her mistake: she needs to get a police radio, too.

* The cops let her go because they were impressed by the way she was steering with her tongue.

* This is why it's a wise policy for the Swiss to remain in Neutral.

Spiritual Hunger - Jim Nelson, a homeless man in Vancouver, Canada, was charged with burglary for breaking into a swanky condo in December and, desperate for food, ripping open all the Christmas gifts in a hunt for chocolates. He then gorged himself on tea, chili, cream cheese and tortillas before passing out in a stupor. The homeowners found him the next morning, surrounded by wrapping paper and little bags of feces and vomit. But he used a rare "necessity" defense, claiming he had to do it because he was crazed with hunger, having fasted for 60 days in an effort to attain spiritual perfection. The judge called his reasoning bizarre and half-baked, but accepted his excuse and let him go.

* Luckily, today's judges are willing to accept bizarre and half-baked reasoning.

* Besides, technically, he didn't break in: he was so skinny, he slid under the door.

* His religious views are similar to mine. I also try to achieve spiritual perfection by eating chocolate until I pass out.

* Little bags of feces and vomit? Wow, this family gives terrible gifts!

They Saw David's Doodle! - 28-year veteran art teacher Sydney McGee of Frisco, Texas, took her fifth-grade class on a field trip to the Dallas Museum of Art, and afterward, one parent complained about her child seeing nude art. McGee claims the principal reprimanded her and gave her a bad performance review. Fearing she'd be fired, she hired a lawyer and requested a transfer to a less hostile school, but the school board rejected the request. The board said she won't be fired, but the principal has the right to tell her what is in the best interest of her students.

* And it's in the best interests of art students that they think Michelangelo's David wore Dockers.

* For instance, she can say with authority that the Sistine Chapel ceiling is PURE PORN!

* For the good of the children, we must make sure they never set foot in a museum again.

* The painting this teacher relates to the most is "The Scream."

Bad Buzz - Shanghai Daily reports that a Chinese woman whose husband was injured in a workplace accident sued his employer for loss of her "right to enjoy sexual life." He worked in a shopping center, and an iron bar fell from a vent onto him and caused him to hit his groin on the corner of some audio equipment. She said she wasn't even 30 yet when she was deprived of sex, and she sued for $27,650 (US) for mental anguish and her purchases of vibrators and other products. But the court ruled against her, finding that Chinese law doesn't recognize a protected right for an individual to have a sex life.

* Or a life, period.

* There are over a billion Chinese, and they don't have the right to have sex?

* If they ruled that women have a legal right to actually enjoy sex, millions of men could be sued.

* This would never happen in Japan...Their audio equipment is tiny.

"Fleeing" Or "Waddling Away"? - Police in Lake Havasu City, Arizona, are searching for the Hamburglar. A man was caught on video breaking through the roof of a McDonald's early Sunday morning, turning on the grill, cooking two burgers, eating them, then fleeing. Damage to McDonald's is estimated at $150.

* Damage to his arteries: $5,000.

* What some people won't do to get a McDonald's burger cooked fresh.

Know Any 26-Year-Old Romans? - Pepsi paid to make thousands of T-shirts for the University of Florida class of 2006, and only then noticed the Roman numerals on them didn't mean "2006," they meant "26." Pepsi said they'll pay for replacements, but they don't know what they'll do with the returns.

* Off-hand, I'm thinking "University of Alabama..."

* If they sell them to University of Florida students, there should be no returns.

* Who'd notice? The students can only count Roman numerals as high as "Star Wars: Episode VI."

The First Casino That Might Actually Go Bankrupt - The online casino has picked up another priceless piece of memorabilia. A waiter who claims to have served Britney Spears and Kevin Federline at a big music industry event saved Britney's half-eaten chicken salad sandwich and K-Fed's half-eaten corn dog. He took photos, vacuum sealed both items in plastic, and put them up for sale on eBay. Golden Palace won the bidding, paying $520 (US).

* Of course, in a Beverly Hills restaurant, that's the standard price for a chicken salad sandwich and a corn dog.

* This has to be a fake: no food of Britney's would be "half-eaten."

* You are what you eat, and Kevin Federline eats weenies.

* Boy, music industry events must not have the budgets they used to have!


Counteroffer: Union Scale - Young Welsh singer Charlotte Church is getting her own TV talk show, and she asked Paris Hilton to guest on it. But the offer was canceled when Hilton demanded over $650,000. Church called it "pathetic" and told a UK radio host that she only wanted Hilton on to ridicule her because "she's such a complete airhead," but it wasn't worth the cost of a mansion just to have her "say a few stupid things." Church said, "She's hardly going to announce anything world-changing, is she?"

* For $650,000, she was willing to say that Charlotte's new show was "hot."

* This is going to be a GREAT show!...Now, I know why they say Charlotte has the voice of an angel!

* Considering Paris' vocabulary, that's about $65,000 a word.

* Maybe Paris priced herself out of the gig on purpose so she wouldn't have to be on with a real singer.

And Madonna Kissed...Her Husband - Last night, MTV aired its Video Music Awards, and critics yawned at how dull the once-outrageous show has become. Ex-dirrty girl Christina Aguilera performed a ballad in a classy dress; only one recipient used profanity; formerly exhibitionist rapper L'il Kim ripped off her orange jail coveralls to reveal that underneath, she was wearing...a funky business suit; and Al Gore presented a message about global warming.

* While dancing the Macarena...for three hours...It was the most exciting part of the show.

* After sitting through this show, viewers were praying for the end of the world.

* You know you're in trouble when all the hot, panting sex appeal is left up to the guy who used to sing with N' Sync.

* Plus, MTV never shows music videos anymore, so all the awards went to "Pimp My Ride."


* The Toronto Film Festival will debut a mock documentary depicting President Bush being assassinated, but the director claims it's meant to be "thought-provoking"...(CAREFUL!) If you consider the wet dreams of liberal filmmakers to be "thoughts"...It worked: the Secret Service is now thinking about shipping his butt to Gitmo.

* Police in Norway recovered two stolen Edvard Munch paintings, including his masterpiece, "The Scream"...They were hanging over Bill Gates' sectional sofa.

* In Tanzania, a 60th birthday gala and AIDS fundraiser in honor of the late Freddy Mercury of Queen was canceled after angry Islamic fundamentalists said Mercury's lifestyle offended them and they threatened to disrupt it...Using dynamite with a laser beam...Say, don't they get offended by EVERYBODY'S lifestyle?

* Leake's Kwik Stop in Forest City, Arkansas, was robbed when four young men came in and set the female clerks screaming and running by threatening them with some baby pythons...So at least four people saw "Snakes On A Plane"...They were arrested, but they can't be charged with armed robbery because snakes have no arms.

* James Russell of Aberdeen, Scotland, admitted to drunkenly attacking a woman by pouring a basin of vomit over her head, but the sheriff deferred sentencing for six months to see if he can remain on good behavior...Uh, that IS his good behavior...This man really should be in protective custody...To be a good Scottish citizen, he has to learn to hold his drunken vomit.

* Panasonic plans to market the world's largest TV set: it has a 103-inch screen, is only five inches thick, and costs $80,000...Seriously, is it worth that much to see Andy Rooney and Barbara Walters on a 103-inch screen?...It also has the world's best TV sound system, for watching "Celebrity Duets"...The picture is so wide, TV actresses will have to become even thinner.

* reports that an unnamed but well-placed source at Vanity Fair says editor Graydon Carter is so worried that the first photos of Suri Cruise will leak out, he's made everyone sign confidentiality agreements and put armed guards outside the printers...It's much tighter than our airport security. Don't say Americans can't prioritize...They don't want it to leak out that Suri has a third ear...They'll be devastated if people find out what a baby looks like before they see it in Vanity Fair.

Actor Toby Jones, who shares a prison kiss with Daniel Craig in the upcoming movie "Infamous," said, "I've never dreamt that I would kiss James Bond; it's not something I have ever aspired to. Now I've done it, I can say that I hope I am the first of many"...John Travolta's already in line...Toby was both shaken and stirred...See, 007 fans said he wasn't right for the role, but look what a good kisser he is!

- (Almanac)
She Just Goes On And On... - On this day in 1985, a US-French team found the wreck of the Titanic 13,000 feet under the surface of Atlantic Ocean.

* Which would also be a good place to put all the Celine Dion CDs.

- (Almanac)
Lily Tomlin's Voice Is Lower -
J.D. Fortune (INXS) (33), Dee Dee Myers (45), Gloria Estefan (49), Archie Bell (62), Lily Tomlin (67), Ann Richards (73), Yvonne De Carlo (84), and Bee Gees leader Barry Gibb (60).

* Now entering his seventh decade of waiting for his voice to change.



By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Thursday - July 20, 2006

And $3 Million For Security Blankets - A GAO report found that the Homeland Security Department wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars last year. Not only are 100 laptops and a dozen boats missing, but they also spent $7,000 on iPods that were never used; $68,442 on 2,000 dog booties that were later found to be unsuited for rescue dogs; $2500 on designer rain jackets for use at a target range that closes whenever it rains; and over $1,000 for a beer-brewing kit for the Coast Guard Academy's social organizer. That came out to $12 per six-pack. A spokesman blamed the waste on "a small number of bad apples."

* Actually, 10,000 bushels of apples...They left them in a warehouse until they went bad.

* In the event of a real emergency, there won't be time  to brew beer! We'll need it ready-made!

* The rescue dogs refused to wear pink dog booties from the Paris Hilton line.

* How can FEMA agents deal with the aftermath of hurricanes if they don't practice shooting guns in the rain?

This Makes Me Want To Hurl - In an attempt to find every penny of revenue, US Airways plans to sell ads on air sickness bags. The airline said they're on the back of every seat anyway so why not make them multipurpose? And one industry consultant said, "Barf bags have a lot of shelf life - people aren't barfing as much in planes as they used to." As to who would want to advertise on a barf bag, he said selling an ad to Dramamine would be "brilliant."

* Or they could advertise M. Night Shyamalan's new movie.

* It's the perfect place to advertise Kevin Federline's rap CD!

* People don't use the barf bags much, ever since they cut out the in-flight meals.

10-To-1 He Pleads Mental Incompetence - An armed robber who held up 35 betting parlors in Zagreb, Croatia, without wearing a mask was captured after he returned to one of the shops to place a bet and was recognized. A police spokesman said, "It was unbelievable. He robbed 35 different shops, and then he happily walked back into one, ready to spend the exact same money he'd got robbing them."

* Now, that's  a gambling problem.

* Apparently, there's no place to spend your money in Zagreb other than betting parlors.

Actually, He Said, "Const-uctive" - Someone is stealing all the "R's" in Greencastle, Indiana. The letter "R" is disappearing from marquee signs all over town, and nobody knows why. A hardware store owner said, "We've lost our R's, and we want them back." Police say it may be a joke, but it's disturbing; and a motel manager said, "Whoever's doing it needs to put their talents to something more constructive."

* Like catching some Z's...Or grabbing some T & A.

* It must be pirates! What other kind of criminal uses so many "Arrrrrrrrrs!"?

* When he has enough R's, he plans to sell them and buy a vowel.

* This isn't a major crime, but it does violate the letter of the law.

People Are Buzzing - Madonna has sparked a run on the latest piece of fitness equipment: the Power Plate, which its makers dub a "miracle machine." The smallest, cheapest model costs $4800 (US), and London stores can't keep them in stock. It's basically a big vibrator that you sit on and let it do all the work. The makers claim the vibrations make the muscles contract and relax up to 50 times a second, burning as many calories as a heavy workout in just 15 minutes. But some fitness experts say it provides no cardiovascular benefits and is not a replacement for working out.

* Although it is a great replacement for a boyfriend.

* Maybe not, but you feel so good afterward, you just don't care.

* Does anyone seriously think Madonna bought a giant vibrator to get a cardiovascular workout?

* It's also bad for your health because after you use it, you want a cigarette.

* For 75 cents, you can go to the Laundromat and sit on a washer during the spin cycle.

What's The Frequency, Kenneth? - Scotland's Daily Record reports that an anonymous man in Merseyside called BBC Radio host Roger Phillips with an unusual health complaint. He said he suffered impotence and had gotten an electronic penile implant operation in Turkey. Unfortunately, the Turkish electronics operated on a different frequency to British implants, and every time his neighbor used his garage door opener, the man got an erection. He said it wasn't funny because he couldn't leave the house like that.

* If he has an erection that won't go down, why would he want  to leave the house?

* He should give his wife a garage door control...It could be her sex Genie.

* What's worse is when his neighbor closes  his garage door at just the wrong moment.

* What's frustrating for his wife is when they're having sex and the neighbor hits "Fast Forward" on his DVD remote.

* He claims this story is true, but it raised a lot of eyebrows.

Maybe It SHOULD Be - Fiji Water, a trendy bottled water favored by celebrities, launched an ad campaign making fun of Cleveland. The ads read, "The label says Fiji because it's not bottled in Cleveland." Fiji's president Edward Cochran is from Cleveland, and he said, "It's only a joke. We had to pick some town." But Cleveland's utilities director wasn't amused: he ran a test and found 6.31 micrograms of arsenic per liter in a bottle of Fiji Water and none in Cleveland tap water. The EPA allows up to 10. Cochran questioned the reliability of the test.

* Cleveland officials suggested that he go drink arsenic.

* Hey, if someone is giving pretentious celebrities water with arsenic in it, then I say more power to them!

* Well, at least the arsenic proves it really isn't bottled in Cleveland.

* Drew Carey must be the healthiest celebrity: he actually does  drink tap water from Cleveland!

Stop The Presses! - A survey of British women by the massage oil maker Zestra disproved the notion that women are having more and better sex than ever before. Despite the pill and the sexual revolution, half of women said they are dissatisfied with their sex lives, which is a lower satisfaction level than women of previous generations who had less sex. 11 percent regularly have sex when they don't really want to, one in 12 frequently fakes orgasms, and about one in nine women say that sex is "an irritating annoyance," "only enjoyable for men," and "just like any other household chore."

* No, it's not like a household chore because the men actually do it.

* Like washing the sheets, except when you're through, the sheets need to be washed again.

* In response to the survey, Zestra is creating a new massage oil that doubles as a furniture polish.

* British women of previous generations were more satisfied with their sex lives because  they had less sex.

Get This Mother-F-in' Blanket Outta My Mother-F-in' Snake! - In Ketchum, Idaho, a 12-foot pet Burmese python named Houdini had to undergo surgery after it swallowed an entire queen-size electric blanket, including the control box and cord. Vets believe the blanket, which was in the snake's box to keep it warm, got tangled in its rabbit dinner, and the snake swallowed the whole thing.

* They had to either operate to remove it, or turn the snake into a pair of self-heating boots.

* This is why they don't allow Burmese pythons at all-you-can-eat buffets.

* Sounds like the perfect pet: a 12-foot python that can swallow anything and is named after the world's greatest escape artist.

The Opposite Of A Dog - Michael Wilk, a home remodeler in Salem, Wisconsin, said he was tossing back a few beers with friends when he looked at the side of his 4-foot-long pet alligator, and his jaw dropped. He'd suddenly noticed that the gator's white scales spelled out the word "GOD" against the black scales on his side. It's getting lots of attention, and friends compare it to the famous grilled cheese sandwich with the Virgin Mary on it. Wilk, who was raised a Roman Catholic, said he thinks it's phenomenal, but it hasn't affected him spiritually, and they don't sit around the gator with candles, worshipping it.

* That comes later, after they toss back a few more beers.

* He doesn't worship it, but he does sacrifice a lot of chickens to it.

* One thing televangelists have taught us is that just because a big reptile claims to be God, that doesn't make it true.

* Naomi Campbell wants to make a designer tote bag out of him.

A Kit-Kat Bar? Give Me A Break! - If you think cereal for breakfast is healthy, guess again. The British consumer magazine Which? tested 275 cereal brands and found that over three-quarters of them have high levels of sugar, a fifth are high in salt, and seven percent are high in saturated fat. All-Bran had as much salt as potato chips; a bowl of Kellogg's Coco Pops Straws had the same amount of sugar as a two-segment Kit-Kit bar; and some "healthy" oat, granola and nut cereals had as much fat as two fried eggs or a bacon sandwich. * So for a healthy breakfast, I recommend two fried eggs and a bacon sandwich.

* A bacon sandwich is worse for your health, but only if you're a pig.

* Kellogg's Coco Pops Straws are the reason we have Ritalin.

* On the bright side, sugar, salt and fat are three of the Four Food Groups.

* The good news: the cereals do have calcium, if you pour milk on them...And minerals, if you eat the spoon.

Can't Argue With That! - Mister Bee potato chips of West Virginia is dropping its new low-fat recipe after five months and a 6 percent drop in sales. They appeased health advocates by switching to trans-fat-free cottonseed oil, but the chips came out darker, greasier and with an aftertaste. They said they tried to tell consumers they were healthier, but they replied that if they wanted healthy, they wouldn't be eating potato chips.

* Yeah, they'd be eating cereal!

* "Mister Bee" doesn't stand for "Mister Bulimia."

* Since dropping low-fat oils, the company has experienced a 6 percent gain, and so have their customers.

* The health advocates thought the new chips tasted pretty good with seaweed and tofu dip.

Highly Illogical - Sarah Lang, a British mother of two and lifelong "Star Trek" fan," won $1.8 million (US) on the TV game show "Pokerface" and plans to invest it wisely: by buying land on the moon. She said she heard you can buy plots of land up there, and "it might be worth something in a few years."

* I'm guessing that "Pokerface" is a game of chance, not intelligence?

* If she could say that with a straight face, I can see why she won on "Pokerface."

* You give some people $1.8 million, and they want the moon!


* After five years in office, President Bush at last issued his first veto, killing an attempt by Congress to allow funding of embryonic stem cell research...Finally, Congress had a bad idea!...The bill wasn't viable, so he had to abort it...Republicans will do anything to get the embryo vote.

* Wednesday, the Internet company Yahoo announced an unexpected delay in a formula to boost ad profits and its stock price fell nearly 22 percent, erasing nearly $10.4 billion in stockholder wealth...From an estimated company value arrived at by pulling a very large number out of their butts...On the plus side, if you want to run an ad on Yahoo, it must be pretty cheap now...They also announced that the name "Yahoo" will be changed to "Oh, Crap."

* Animal rights activist Brigitte Bardot is so angry at France for attacking a Swedish proposal for EU rules on humane treatment of minks that she is threatening to move to Sweden and said she is "ashamed to be French"...And that's the best reason she can come up with?...Wait till she sees what the Swedes do to fish.
* Spirit Airlines quickly canceled a new game promotion called "The Hunt for Hoffa," jokingly based on the hunt for Jimmy Hoffa, after getting complaints...Complaints that nobody could find him...They also got an offer they couldn't refuse.

* Scott Curry of Lubbock, Texas, hauled in a 20-pound fish on Buffalo Springs Lake that had weirdly human-like teeth, and nobody can identify it...Have they tried dental records?...Does it answer to the name of "Mr. Limpet?"

* Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, who plays bass in his own rock band, asked the state parole board to expunge Keith Richards' $162.50 fine for reckless driving in 1975 from his record, so it won't mar his memories of Arkansas...Keith has no memories of Arkansas. He has no memories of 1975.

* A study of bacterial pollution found that up to 1.5 million people are being made sick on Southern California beaches every year...And those are just the ones who saw Britney Spears in a bikini.

From London's Daily Mail: "Government Orders 12 New Nimrods"...Can't the US government loan them some of our surplus nimrods?

One Of These Days...To The Moon! - On this day in 1969, Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin became the first and second men to walk on the moon. Armstrong said it was "one small step for (a) man, one giant leap for mankind."

* Buzz's first words were, "To Infinity...and BEYOND!!"

Where's LaBeef? - Radney Foster (47), Donna Dixon (49), Kim Carnes (60), T.G. Shepherd (62), John Lodge (63), Diana Rigg (68), rockabilly singer Sleepy LaBeef (71), Sally Ann Howes (76) and Paul Cook of the Sex Pistols is 50.

* That's when your Sex Pistol becomes a single-shot weapon.

Also, Carlos Santana is 59. He said he knew the songs on his "Supernatural" album would be radio hits because an angel named Metatron who advises him told him so.

* That's his guardian angel...and he appears to need a guardian.

* He has a guardian angel who bribes disc jockeys?




By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Thursday - June 1, 2006

And The Polar Bears Had Sun Tans - Scientists studying ice core samples from the Arctic floor were surprised to discover that 55 million years ago, the temperature at the North Pole was 74 degrees F., there were palm trees, and it was practically a "subtropical paradise." But while this shows that global warming can occur without any manmade gases at all, Yale geology Prof. Mark Pagani said it also shows that atmospheric conditions can reach a tipping point that heats up the Earth a lot; and while it might have been a tropical paradise, it was swampy and steamy and "the mosquitoes were probably the size of your head."

* Almost as big as the ones in Florida today.

* They were the size of SUVs, so maybe we can blame it on them.

* This is why you never let a Yale environmentalist write a travel brochure for a tropical paradise.

* If only Al Gore had been around to prevent it.

* They believe it was caused by giant prehistoric cows farting.

Katherine Harris? - The President's brother, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, plans to sign a new law called the "Dining with Dogs" bill. It will give local governments the right to let restaurants allow customers to bring their dogs with them to outdoor dining areas. After three years, the state would revisit the program to assess whether it was a good idea. Bush said his own dog Marvin can't attend the ceremony, but there will be a canine present when he signs it.

* Is that really a good recipe for a photo op, to have a dog standing next to a Bush?

* Things have gotten even stranger in Florida ever since dogs got the right to vote.

* If your dog is over eight, he gets a senior discount.

* The biggest drawback: you can no longer claim you're taking your leftovers home to your dog.

* There was no point in letting people bring their cats to restaurants; they're much too finicky to eat the swill you eat.

See? Snickers DOES Give You Energy! - New Scientist magazine reports that the University of Birmingham, England, found that if you let certain germs feed on chocolate nougat and caramel, they produce enough hydrogen to power a small fan. Instead of throwing away waste chocolate, candy companies could use the bacteria to convert it into hydrogen to run their factories or to sell to energy companies.

* I don't understand the concept...What does "waste chocolate" mean?

* Chocolate can produce enough energy to power a factory? Anyone who's seen a six-year-old boy after he's eaten a candy bar knows that.

* If we want to generate a lot of energy, find a germ that feeds on thrown-away parsley.

* If chocolate and bacteria combine to create energy, my refrigerator could power the world!

The DaVinci Load - Japanese acoustic expert Dr. Matsumi Suzuki uses measurements of heads, throats and faces to recreate people's voices for criminal investigations and to dub actors' voices in films; and now, he's recreated the Mona Lisa's voice. He says his technique is 90 percent accurate: for instance, Mona Lisa had a wide lower face, which lowers the voice, and a pointed chin, which adds mid-tones. He put a recording of her saying, "I am the Mona Lisa. My true identity is shrouded in mystery," on the Internet (, using an Italian woman to add intonation, then altering it. Suzuki said he tried having her speak in Japanese, but it just didn't fit her image.

* Okay, how about Japanese with an Italian accent?

* They also tried English and had Mona Lisa say, "Beware! Godzilla is approaching!"

* Mona Lisa's voice is 90 percent accurate...Hey, prove him wrong!

* I would've had her say something more topical like, "Did you see that 'DaVinci Code' movie? What a load of crap!"

Kevin Federline May Soon Be Available - Anne Majerik, a 60-year-old widow from Erie, Pennsylvania, paid Beverly Hills matchmaker Orly Hadida $125,000 to be introduced to cultured millionaires who wanted monogamous relationships. But Majerik claims she got only a few dates with inappropriate men, such as an "international banker" who turned out to be an interpreter who works in a bank. A jury awarded Majerik $2 million damages.

* And now, men are lining up to date her.

* She plans to spend it all on plastic surgery so she can pass for 25 and date all the 60-year-old millionaires she wants.

* Cultured millionaires who want monogamous relationships with 60-year-old women? The computer blew up!

* If we start awarding everyone damages for all their bad dates, the economy is finished.

How About $100 And A Fresh-Baked Apple Pan Dowdy? - Police in Lake County, Florida, allege that a jailed man wanted his family killed before they could testify against him on sexual molestation charges. So he got his parents to try to hire a hit man to kill their three grandchildren, their daughter-in-law, and the family dog. Police say the "hit man" his parents arranged to meet at a motel was an undercover cop, and his dad was afraid to go in. They were both arrested after his mom offered the hit man $100 cash.

* Why, back in her day, you could kill your family for $100 and back $9 change!

* Moral: never send your bargain-hunting mom to hire a hit man.

* She also asked if he took coupons.

* Yes, he was afraid even the dog would testify against him...It was a pointer.

Sure, He's An Idiot - Paul and Joanne Bray of Caister-on-Sea, England, left their son, Sean, 18, home alone while they took a weekend vacation. He left a basket full of laundry on top of an electric cook stove and accidentally bumped one of the controls, turning on a burner as he was leaving to meet friends. The clothes caught on fire, which heated a nearby bag of groceries his sister had left for him. Inside was a spray can of Sure deodorant, which exploded with such force, it blew out windows, cracked a wall, and lifted the roof off their bungalow. Firefighters estimated the damage at over $65,000. His mom said it's ironic because Sean survives on takeout and microwave food and normally never even turns on the stove.

* And now, we know why.

* Thank God he didn't try to wash that laundry: the house would look like Hurricane Katrina hit it.

* And to think: only last month, they "un-babyproofed" their kitchen.

* Sean learned his lesson: he'll never wear deodorant again.

The Long And Short Of It - The New Straits Times reports that a 44-year-old man in northern Malaysia got into an argument with his wife after she found a text message from another woman on his cell phone. His son said he heard his dad shout that he wanted to prove he was faithful to his wife, followed by loud screams. The man had proved he wasn't cheating by cutting off his penis. His wife rushed him to the hospital for reattachment surgery.

* Well...define "rushed."

* This still doesn't prove he wasn't cheating, but at least he won't do it again.

* I have a feeling that either way, this guy was going to get his penis cut off.

He Parachutes With A Little Umbrella - Ante Butic, who creates drinks for beacch goers in Zadar, Croatia, has invented the world's hardest cocktail to mix. The Wings of Zadar cocktail is mixed by a bartender freefalling from 10,000 feet. It's poured upside down so the drink flies up into the mixer, shaken by the bartender doing mid-air somersaults, and chilled by the cold air rushing over the shaker. The bartender lands and immediately serves the drink. Butic claims the high altitude gives the Maraschino liqueur-based drink a unique flavor, and he'll keep serving it if enough rich people keep ordering it.

* And if they quit saying, "I told you to HOLD the olive! Do it over!"

* This could finally convince Tom Cruise to make "Cocktail 2."

* The shaker is made out of black box material, so if the bartender's parachute doesn't open, your drink will survive.

* High altitudes make drinks taste better...That's why airline beverages are so expensive.

Some Like It Not - Two people who paid $22.95 each to see an exhibit called "The Ultimate Marilyn" on the Queen Mary in Long Beach, California, are suing for a refund of admission fees and punitive damages. The exhibit displayed hair rollers, a lipstick holder, suitcases and other stuff that supposedly belonged to Marilyn Monroe, but the plaintiffs claim she didn't own many of the items, and some were even made after she died.

* For instance, that was NOT Marilyn Monroe's iPod.

* They claimed to have the outfit she wore during her most famous photo shoot, and it was just a naked mannequin.

* They didn't want to see a lot of fake useless junk! They wanted to see a lot of genuine useless junk!

Not Ambiguously Gay - In an ongoing effort to make their superheroes more diverse, DC Comics announced that the rarely-seen character of Batwoman will return in a new graphic novel as a lipstick lesbian. The New York Daily News found mixed reaction among comics fans. Some feared they were messing up classic characters just to be PC, while others thought it might spark interesting new stories. One said he didn't see how it would change Batwoman that much, "unless she has lesbian superpowers."

* But she does! She gets them when she puts on her utility belt from Home Depot!

* What would be a lesbian superpower? X-ray vision, but you can only see through flannel?

* She's the same as always, except she now prefers the Bat Cave to the Bat Pole.

Pronounced HUMP-'er-dinck - Maxim magazine listed the Top 10 "Living Sex Legends," the men who are alleged to have had the most women (the late Wilt Chamberlain holds the record with 20,000). Counting down from #10, they are Rolling Stone Bill Wyman and Magic Johnson (1,000 each), Lemmy of Motorhead (1,200), Jack Nicholson (2,000), Ilie Nastase (2,500), Engelbert Humperdinck and Julio Iglesias (3,000 each), Gene Simmons (4,600) and at #2, Charlie Sheen (5,000). Surprisingly, they were all beat out by the #1 living sex legend, Umberto Billo, a hotel bellman from Venice, Italy. Billo claims to have bedded 8,000 women, and says they've crossed oceans to stay in his hotel just to see him. Unfortunately, he was recently fired by his boss, who said, "Sometimes, he was too exhausted to carry the guests' luggage."

* And yet, they still tipped him very well.

* Plus, they discovered he'd carved thousands of notches in the bed posts.

* No woman wants him for a serious relationship...Too much baggage.

* Charlie Sheen's statistic should have an asterisk because he paid for most of them.

* Hugh Hefner would've made the list, but they couldn't verify that he was still alive.


* Dutch investigators completely exonerated Lance Armstrong of doping allegations in the 1999 Tour de France, and accused anti-doping authorities of misconduct...They were drunk from too many sour grapes.

* Victor Gardner of Ogdensburg, New York, was arrested for allegedly stealing seven calves from a farm by squeezing them all into his Dodge Neon...By the time he finished, they'd been pressed into hamburger patties...On the plus side, Dodge is paying him to appear in a commercial for the roomy Dodge Neon.

* Us Weekly claims that Britney Spears has stopped telling her husband Kevin Federline things that she wants to keep secret, like her plans to announce her pregnancy on David Letterman's show, because he tells his posse of worthless friends, who sell it to tabloids...Which we know, because they sold this story to a tabloid...When she divorces him, he'll be the last to know.

* O.J. Simpson's daughter Sydney, 20, accepted a plea bargain after being accused of cursing and slapping at police who tried to break up a fight outside her Florida school's basketball game. She was sentenced to 50 hours of community service...She'll be driving a White Ford Bronco for Meals On Wheels...That seems harsh: a murderer can get off with less punishment.

* By the time Angelina Jolie named her baby, her lawyers had already registered the Internet domain name ""...It was hardly necessary: the kid already has her own blog on MySpace.

* Elizabeth Taylor appeared on Larry King's CNN show to deny tabloid reports that she has Alzheimer's disease and is near death. Taylor asked King, "Oh, come on, do I look like I'm dying? Do I look or sound like I have Alzheimer's?"..."Well, DO I, Mr. Rather?"...She didn't, but Larry King did...So, Larry King married her.

* Double-amputee Iraq war vet Sgt. Peter Damon is suing Michael Moore for $85 million, claiming Moore took an interview he gave to NBC, put it in "Fahrenheit 9/11," and edited it to falsely make it sound like he was attacking the war, which he supports. He was actually talking about how his injuries felt... Now, he wants Michael Moore to know how it feels to lose an arm and a leg...To Michael Moore, $85 million is grocery money.

* Wednesday, NBC's "Today Show" spent three hours bidding goodbye to Katie Couric with past clips and tearful farewells from fans who didn't seem comforted by knowing she'll be anchoring the "CBS Evening News" in just a few months...Or that she'll remain on "Today" and keep saying goodbye for the next three months...She takes longer to said goodbye than Cher.

"DON'T GIVE UP THE SHIP!" - (Almanac)
Picard Already Surrendered It - On this day in 1813, during a losing battle with a British frigate, Captain James Lawrence of the U.S. frigate Chesapeake said, "Don't give up the ship!"

* And I thought that was said by Captain Kirk to Captain Picard!

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Not Yet Petrified Wood - Alanis Morrissette (32), Heidi Klum (33), Teri Polo (37), Lisa Hartman Black (50), Ronnie Dunn (53), Powers Boothe (57), Jonathan Pryce (59), Rene Auberjonois (66), Morgan Freeman (69), Pat Boone (72), Edward Woodward (76), Andy Griffith (80) and Ron Wood is 59.

* That's why the other Rolling Stones call him "Sonny."



By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

Dumb Ol' Boys! - Doug Anglin, 77, the son of a Boston lawyer, is suing the Department of Education, claiming there are more female college students and more male dropouts because the US school system is institutionally sexist. For instance, boys naturally rebel against rules requiring them to sit quietly; then they're put on Ritalin. Or students get credit for decorating lesson books, which he says no red-blooded male would do. He blames his school for the fact that he's not doing well at anything but sports.But one critic said if his parents taught him to sit down and study instead of filing lawsuits, he'd do fine in school.

*  Sit down and study?!  What, like a GIRL?!

*  No red-blooded male would want to do well at anything but sports.

*  It was his dad's idea...It's the only way he'll ever get into law school.

*  If you want to get rich in America today, knowing how to file a lawsuit is the best education you can have.

It Could Happen Here...And It Has - The #1 bestseller on German is the "Teacher Hate Book" by Lerlinde Unverzagt, a mother whose four kids have spent a total of 26 years in German public schools.  The book is 220 pages of anecdotes about how German teachers are lazy, ideologically-motivated incompetents who blame parents for kids' failures and can't be fired.  For instance, one teacher said she was proud of her students' spelling mistakes, because "If we were to insist that they spell correctly, we would only frighten them."  Unverzagt is getting a flood of letters from parents supporting her and hate mail from teachers.

*  All of it misspelled.

*  Asking kids to spell words doesn't sound very frightening, until you realize: they're German words.

*  The really scary part: her kids have spent 26 years in public schools, and they're only up to the fourth grade.

*  I think we owe a debt of gratitude to German teachers!  If it weren't for them, American kids would be last in everything!

And Their Getaway Car Radio's Stuck On Air America - Bank employee Nalita Hall of Westerville, Ohio, was at home when two masked, armed intruders burst in and demanded she drive back to the bank and open the vault.  She told them she couldn't because she had only half the combination.  After two hours, they tied her up with duct tape and fled, with one telling her, "This is all George W. Bush's fault.  He screwed up the economy.  We just need gas money for the car."

*  Their plan was to clean out the bank vault and give all the money to

*  Police suspect it was two out-of-work Hollywood actors.

*  Their gas tank was empty?  No wonder they needed to clean out an entire bank vault!

Say, Rappers Often Seem Angry And Hostile - University of Missouri researchers have confirmed that angry people are more likely to hurt themselves.  They asked over 2,500 emergency room patients to describe their anger level just before they were injured.  32 percent said they were irritable, 18 percent said angry, and 13 percent said they were hostile.  Being angry more than quadrupled a person's odds of being hurt, while being hostile increased it sixfold.  The effect was more pronounced for young men than for women or other groups.

*  That's not fair: young men are angry and hostile all the time.

*  Hostility is what makes you think it's a good idea to take a swing at the nightclub bouncer.

After they were injured, 100 percent were hostile.

*  Some went from irritable to hostile when they were questioned by researchers instead of seeing a doctor.

*  What they learned in the E.R. was, "Try not to get angry when 'that damn nail gun just won't fire.'"

Call Him "He Who Gets Slapped With Fine" - Cliff Hann of Whitehorse, Alberta, Canada, tried a unique excuse for not paying taxes: he doesn't have a name, so the bill wasn't his.  He argued that the name on his birth certificate was assigned to him, and he never agreed to accept it or responsibility for any debts the government might assign to it.  It means nothing that he answers to it because he answers to his nieces calling him "Uncle" and his aunt's cat saying "Meow," but neither is his name.  He said the name "Cliff Hann" belongs to the government, and they should get the tax bill.  The judge didn't buy it and fined him $3,450.

*  So he changed his name...Cost him $4,000.

*  If he still doesn't pay, his name will be # 2357948.

*  To the tax auditors, his name is Mud.

*  He's now made a name for himself, as the biggest idiot since Richard Hatch.


Stop The Presses!  - A survey by the National Retailers' Federation predicts that the average US consumer will spend $100.89 on Valentine's Day this year, up from $97.27 last year.  That's the average of the $135.67 men will spend and the $68.64 women will spend.

*  Wow!  I had no idea my wife was paying $68 for a greeting card!

*  But men buy chocolates and sexy lingerie, and those are really for themselves.

*  Most men only spend about $50 on Valentine's Day, but Kobe Bryant throws off the curve.

"I'm Not Giving You One Of MY Hands!" - Stephen McKenzie-McHarg. 54. is being threatened with jail if he doesn't pay a ticket for parking in the bus zone of the Melbourne Airport because he took too long to unload his luggage.  He was struggling with it since he has only one arm.  He said the airport cop kept saying, "Get going, get going;" McHarg said, "Why don't you give me a hand?" and the cop replied, "I'm going to book you."  McHarg called it discrimination and vowed to fight it on principle, saying, "Next time, the fellow might have just one leg."

*  When that guy gets a ticket, he'll be hopping mad.

*  Or worse...Parking at the airport costs an arm and a leg.

*  It's never a good idea to throw the book at a man with only one hand.

Smoked Sausage - Wolfgang Treitler of Graz, Austria, has a Dachshund named General Edi who is 22 years old.  Treitler says he's as fit as a puppy and all his teeth are fine.  His secret: he eats 10 cigarettes a day.  He eats the paper and tobacco, then chews on the filters awhile before spitting them out.  Treitler said he got the dog 17 years ago, and he already had the habit.  His vet said nicotine is normally poisonous to dogs, but this one has apparently developed a tolerance for it.

*  And everything else!

*  But if you thought Chihuahuas were jittery!...

*  This Dachshund has eaten so much tobacco, you could actually pick him up and smoke him like a giant cigar.

*  Dogs are usually pack animals, but this one is a half-a-pack animal.

*  He might live even longer, except he eats half a pack of cigarettes, then smokes the other half.

The Golf Pants Alone Were A Felony - The NSW Amateur Golf Championship at Ryde-Parramatta Golf Club in Australia was interrupted when a man who had just robbed a supermarket crashed a stolen pickup through a fence and drove onto the fifth fairway.  As players dived for cover, he got stuck in a sand trap, jumped out carrying a bag and a shotgun, and ran into an empty house.  Police helicopters and 25 cars converged on the course.  He finally surrendered after two hours.  The cops declared the fairway a crime scene and wouldn't let anyone play through.

*  Well, Putt-Putt golfers could play through, if they could get the ball past the spinning helicopter blades

*  They declared the green a crime scene after they saw what all those tires had done to it.

*  The good news: it was the highest-rated golf tournament in TV history.

DNA Download - The Arizona State University Web Devil news website reports that an 18-year-old student was arrested Sunday night in the ASU library after he allegedly pulled down his pants and underwear to masturbate while looking at porn on his laptop.  Asked why he was doing that in the campus library, he reportedly told cops, "To be honest, the Internet connection at my dorm isn't good enough."

*  Spoken like a true Web Devil!

*  So this is why Bill Clinton wanted every campus library to have high-speed Internet access.

Just Blame Acid Reflux - The British musicians' union is calling on performers to admit when they are lip-synching in concert.  A spokesman said they will not attack any performers who mime to recordings, as long as they are honest enough to declare it; but they think it undermines the reputation of British musicianship when they tour, and Americans and Europeans can tell they're miming.  They say they just want honesty with consumers and don't fully agree with Elton John, who inspired the campaign when he said, "Anyone who lip-synchs in public on stage when you pay 75 pounds to see them should be shot."

*  I don't know if I'd fully agree with that, either...I'd have to know how large a caliber weapon

*  Some of them who actually attempt to sing live should be shot.

*  Just tell me upfront that you'll be faking the vocals in concert, and I'll happily buy a ticket...with Monopoly money.

Dicko - Roseanne Barr told Attitude magazine that she used to have a photo of George Clooney's private parts dressed as Groucho Marx.  A young Clooney was a regular in the early days of the "Roseanne" sitcom, and he had a goofy sense of humor.  One night when they were all drunk, John Goodman took a photo of him naked with a pair of Groucho glasses over his crotch.  They kept it on the show's fridge with a magnet over it until one day, someone stole it.  Roseanne said she keeps checking eBay to see if anyone's selling it, but it's never shown up.

*  Nuts!

*  You can tell it's not the real Groucho...He was Jewish.

*  It looks a bit like Groucho.  Close, but no cigar...More like a Tiparillo.

Ignorance Is Bliss - Jennifer Aniston finally revealed why she and Brad Pitt divorced: they were too happy.  She said, "At the time, you go, 'Celebrate it, we're in love, let's talk.'  But it became a feeding frenzy out there."  So she thinks their break-up was "karma" for constantly telling everybody how happy they were.

*  Funny, I thought it was because of how happy Brad and Angelina Jolie were.

*  Now we know why all celebrity couples break up: they're too damned happy.

Why The Music Industry Is Dying- Columbia Records has offered Jessica Simpson $35 million to make four original albums and a greatest hits CD, making her the youngest recording artist ever to be offered such a huge deal.  A Columbia spokesperson told the Hollywood Reporter, "Jessica Simpson is one of the most consistent, hard-working artists we have on our roster.  She really has earned this deal."

*   "...By not marrying Kevin Federline and getting pregnant."

*  Unlike the 200 other hard-working artists without huge boobs, who had to be dropped so they could afford her.

*  Of course, her dad made them offer Ashlee $35 million, too.

*  I'd pay $35 million to see Jessica Simpson turn out just ONE original album.


*  To retaliate against European papers, Iran's largest newspaper is holding a contest to print the most vile, hateful, anti-Semitic cartoon about the Holocaust...Say, don't they do that every day.

*  President Bush sent a $2.77 trillion budget plan to Congress, which was immediately denounced by both parties as "scandalously" small...$2.77 trillion just doesn't buy what it used to...And then, they went back to blaming Bush for the deficit...If only Congress weren't run by those spendthrift Democrats!  Oh, wait...

*  An international team of scientists announced the discovery of an untouched "lost world" high in the New Guinea mountain rain forests, filled with rare and previously unknown species of animals and plants...Mostly a lot of huge bugs and lizards, and one giant gorilla...Yet there was already a Starbucks... It was discovered by some loggers.  It's gone now.

*  Britain's Daily Mirror reports that Paris Hilton's parents gave her a 50 percent ownership in The Collection, a hot nightclub in London, to develop her business skills.  A source said it's "just the start for Paris," and her family wants her to make more investments in London bars...Hasn't she spent enough of their money in bars already?...Her singing career can't last forever...For once, I agree with her parents: Paris Hilton's future is in bars...Smart move: Giving Paris Hilton her own bar is like giving Ted Nugent the nuclear launch codes.

*  A priest who runs a religious record label in Rome has the rights to 24 prayers written by Pope John Paul II, and he's asked Michael Jackson to record some of them...Michael will do it, if he hires the Vienna Boys Choir...If they become hits, Michael will declare himself to be the "King of Pope."

*  Robert Peatie of Cape Cod, Massachusetts, was arrested after a hospital nurse allegedly caught him moments after his mother passed away, pouring the morphine from her IV drip into a water bottle to take with him...He's a good boy: his mom always taught him, "Waste not, want not."

*  Hollywood private eye Anthony Pellicano was indicted Monday on 110 counts, including illegal tapping of the phone calls of a number of celebrities, such as Sylvester Stallone...He's fair game because he consorted with Afghanis!  Remember "Rambo 3?!"...The feds thought the tapes were scrambled until they realized, that's just the way Stallone talks...It's wrong to wiretap terrorists, but aren't celebrities fair game?

NOTE!  The only reason we haven't run this is because it was over before Monday's edition and we're still waiting for a report on what happened, but our money is on the parrots to have destroyed those cars:

WEB LINK!  Google has all the Super Bowl commercials on one page in fast download format:

Draft Dodgers Bought High Heels - On this day in 1943, during World War II, the U.S. government announced that in two days, shoe rationing would begin and Americans could buy only three pairs of shoes per year.

*  This gave women just two days to buy 300 pairs...Men did nothing, since they buy only one pair of shoes every three years.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Oddly Enough, Chris Gaines Is 39 - Jason Gedrick (39), Chris Rock (41), Eddie Izzard (44), Garth Brooks (44), James Spader (46), Miguel Ferrer (51), Gay Talese (74) and Ashton Kutcher (28).

*  Demi Moore just dumped him for the kid from "Everybody Hates Chris.


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All material © copyright 2005-2010 by Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth.