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THE COMEDY WIRE
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
HIGHEST-PAID POLITICAL FIGURES Gas Prices Just Keep Rising -
Newsweek has released its annual Power List, ranking the highest-paid
public figures with political influence in America. Conservative talk
show hosts topped the list. Rush Limbaugh was #1 with estimated
earnings of nearly $59 million a year, followed by Glenn Beck, Sean
Hannity and Bill O'Reilly. Jon Stewart made it to #5, but Sarah Palin
was right behind at #6. President Obama came in 20th, right behind Bill
* Well, Bill Maher has more executive experience.
* Glenn Beck may be #2, but his Fox contract requires them to pay him
in gold doubloons.
* At least now we know where ALL the
money that's in radio goes.
* Proving once again that the problem with socialism is that there's
just no money in it.
HILLARY WOULD TROUNCE OBAMA Conservative Nightmare -
Hillary Clinton insisted over the weekend that she has no intention at
all of running for President in 2012 or 2016. But at the time, she had
not heard the results of a poll taken the day after last week's
elections by Newsmax and Survey USA. It found that if there were an
election today and she and Barack Obama were the only names on the
ballot, she would trounce him by 20 points.
* That's funny, her own private polls say she'd trounce him by 30
* If the election were held today and the only names on it were Obama
and Hillary, 10 percent of Americans would pick Obama, 30 percent would
pick Hillary, and 60 percent would kill themselves.
* If the 2012 election were held today, 100 percent of Americans would
be extremely confused.
* But Hillary says she has no intention at all of running for
President, and this time, she totally means it.
EAT SUGARY JUNK, LOSE WEIGHT AND GET
Crap: It's What's For Dinner -
Kansas State University Prof. Mark Haub thinks it's unrealistic to
expect dieters to give up all junk food, and he wanted to prove his
theory that what matters in weight loss is calories. So he went on what
he calls "The Convenience Store Diet." He ate only 1800 calories a day,
but in the form of things like Little Debbie cakes, Twinkies, donuts,
Doritos, Oreos, Corn Pops cereal and Diet Mountain Dew, with
nutritional supplement pills. After ten weeks, his fatty triglycerides
were down 39 percent, his good cholesterol was up 20 percent, his bad
cholesterol was down 20 percent, and he'd lost 27 pounds. Now, Haub
says he's frustrated because he wishes he could say that eating like
this is unhealthy and irresponsible, but the data doesn't say that.
* Also, it's hard for him for say anything, now that all his teeth have
* One problem: with some Little Debbie products, 1800 calories is about
* This would explain why convenience store clerks are always have such
perfect, toned bodies. * I could never eat like that...DIET Mountain
* I think you'd need more protein for a balanced diet...Where's the
STD PHONE APP(CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!) Call Of Nature - The Guardian
newspaper reports that British health officials are trying to develop a
cell phone app that will let people pee on their phones and find out if
they have an STD. The UK Clinical Research Collaboration has invested
$6 million (US) into creating a smartphone app that will let users put
urine or saliva on a computer chip, plug it into their phone, and get a
diagnosis within minutes. They say it's aimed at turning mobile phones
into mobile doctors for young people who are suffering rising rates of
STDs from hooking up but are too squeamish to see a doctor.
* Yet they're willing to keep using a mobile phone they've peed on.
* And seriously, do NOT pee on your cell phone while driving.
* Question: if it works with saliva, why would anyone want to pee on it
* This may not stop the spread of STDs, but at least it will stop
people from borrowing each other's cell phones.
WORST DRESSED JOB APPLICANTS He Wanted To Show Off His Full Body
Tattoos - OfficeTeam.com surveyed human resources professionals
to ask what was the most inappropriate clothing they'd ever seen job
applicants wear to an interview. Some went the too-sexy route and
showed up in tube tops, low-cut blouses or low-rise pants. Others
pulled things out of back of the closet, like Goth wear or 1980s acid
wash jeans and jumpsuits. Some showed off their athletic interests by
wearing yoga outfits, baseball caps or exercise sweats. Casual types
came in Hawaiian shirts, Bermuda shorts and flip-flops. Some free
spirits had blur or green hair. And one of the most memorable
applicants arrived for the interview wearing a leather vest with no
* That only works if you're applying to be lead singer in a Led
Zeppelin cover band.
* After two years of unemployment, he'd lost his shirt.
* He might've gotten away with it if he's also worn pants.
* The moral: If you want to get a job, don't show up for the interview
in a low-cut blouse, unless you look really good in it.
* This is unbelievable! Where did they find companies that are doing JOB INTERVIEWS?!
MAN LITERALLY BEATS HIMSELF UP More Like Protective Custody -
Police in Kettering, Ohio, were called to investigate a 19-year-old
male who was bleeding from the nose and acting strangely. They say he
was drunk and so upset with himself for cheating on his girlfriend, he
was walking around screaming at himself and punching himself in the
face for what he'd done. He was arrested for public intoxication.
* (CAREFUL!) Luckily, the
next morning, he sobered up and had make-up sex with himself.
* He's such a considerate boyfriend, he just wanted to save her the
* He figured it would be better for him to beat himself up than for her
to do it because he hits like a girl.
SEXY BUT DUMB CRIMINAL NEWS(CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECTS!) Pole Taker - Police in
Portsmouth, New Hampshire, are searching for a burglar who broke into
the Fifth Wheel adult store last Friday. The police captain says the
culprit got away with "an array of adult items," but he released no
details on what they were except for one: a Carmen Electra brand
stripper pole. He said he notified the public about the pole because
it's so large that someone might spot it and help solve the crime.
* So if you see someone rubbing her crotch on a stolen stripper pole,
don't just let it slide.
* They're hoping to find the sex toy thief by listening for the buzz on
* That is a large pole...Carmen likes her poles big.
* The thief also took three boxes of KY lubricants and gave the cops
"I'll Kill You As Soon As I Can Stand
Up!" - Dwan Koonce of North Plainfield, New Jersey, was
indicted on burglary and other charges after he allegedly broke into a
woman's house and robbed her at knifepoint when she accidentally walked
in on him. He broke in overnight, but he was still there when she woke
up the next morning. She surprised him sitting at her computer,
engrossed in Internet porn.
* He said, "This is a stick up!" and she said, "I can see that."
* This is why people should never look at Internet porn while they're
* His lawyer is arguing that that was not a knife in his pocket, he was
just glad to see her.
Busted By The Fashion Police -
22-year-old Kyle James Eckman of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, was arrested
for allegedly shoplifting a pair of $70 shoes from a Kohl's department
store. Police say he put them on in the men's fitting room and wore
them out of the store while hiding his own shoes in his shopping bag.
They were still easy to spot, though, since they were women's high
heels. Because of two prior theft convictions, he's charged with felony
theft. He also allegedly gave police a false name.
* ..."Carrie Bradshaw."
* ..."Manolo Blahnick."
* His lawyer claims he'll walk...Not very steadily, but he'll walk.
HALLOWEEN PRANK GOES AWRY The Halloween Pants Arsonist Strikes
Again! - Two boys, ages 13 and 10, from Kraubath, Austria,
pulled a very poorly thought-out Halloween prank. First, they poured
gasoline down a playground slide and set it on fire. Then they
panicked, and one of the boys tried to smother the fire by sliding down
the slide. That set his pants and underwear on fire and gave him
second-degree burns. They were afraid to tell the truth, so they told
police they'd been attacked by masked muggers. The police eventually
figured it out, and now their parents have to pay for the damages.
* The cops knew they were liars because their pants were actually on
* Once you lie to the police, it's a slippery slope.
* I thought only older girls went around on Halloween in hot pants.
* The one who slid down the slide is just praying that he doesn't get a
COPS TACKLE SMURF-ON-RASTA VIOLENCE The Rasta Hit On Smurfette -
Police in Greenock, Scotland, are searching for a Smurf who beat up a
21-year-old Rastafarian in a nightclub last Sunday night. Both were
wearing Halloween costumes. The Rasta needed stitches in his face. A
detective said, "This is the first time in 30 years in the police force
that I have been looking for a Smurf. We are treating this very
* And then, he broke out giggling.
* If convicted, he'll be sentenced to perform community service with
Blue Man Group.
* On the bright side, the injured Rastafarian now qualifies for medical
LINDSAY LOHAN WANTS HER OWN REHAB
CLINIC Right Next Door To The Sean Penn
Anger Management School - After years of excuses and denials,
Dina Lohan finally admitted on the "Today" show that her daughter
Lindsay is an addict. But after only six weeks at the Betty Ford
Center, Dina says that Lindsay is now "a different person" and her life
has been changed. In fact, she said Lindsay is so impressed with the
Betty Ford Center, she wants to help other people by starting her own
Lindsay Lohan Rehab Clinic.
* The only rehab clinic with an actual revolving door!
* It'll be just like the Betty Ford Center, only every room will have a
* Lindsay cares so much, she'll be there in person to confiscate every
* People will love it so much, they'll come back again and again!
* The Lindsay Lohan Rehab Clinic is where women will end up after they
attend the Liza Minnelli Marriage Seminar.
VIDEO LINK! Conan O'Brien's
American Express commercial: http://tinyurl.com/2wydmtz
ALMANAC FOR TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2010
GREAT NORTHEAST BLACKOUT, JOHN MEETS
YOKO - (Almanac)
What A Typical Day Is Like For
Lindsay Lohan - On this day in 1965, the Great Blackout
occurred, when several Northeastern states and parts of Canada were
plunged into darkness by 13-1/2 hours of power failures.
* And that's where Generation X came from.
* New Hampshire didn't notice because they turn off the lights at 6
Another Dark Day - One year later on the same date, in 1966, John
Lennon met Yoko Ono at an exhibit of her art in London.
* Odd, I would've guessed that he'd met her during a blackout.
BERLIN WALL FALLS (AKA "WORLD FREEDOM
DAY") - (Almanac)
Now's Ze Time Ven Ve Dance! -
On this day in 1989, East Germany finally opened its borders, and young
East Germans danced on top of the Berlin Wall.
* They danced so badly, West Germany considered closing its borders
* Arizona wants to know how much they'd charge for a secondhand border
BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Whitey-N-Pepa - Nikki Blonsky
(22), Vanessa Mannillo (30), Sisqo (32), Nick Lachey (37), rapper Pepa
of Salt-N-Pepa (41), Whitey Herzog (79), and Lou "The Incredible Hulk"
* But don't tease him about his age! You wouldn't like him when he's
ADVANCE ALMANAC FOR WEDNESDAY,
NOVEMBER 10, 2010
Happy 235th Birthday to the U.S.
"SESAME STREET" DEBUTS -(Almanac)
Brought To You By The Number 69
- On this day in 1969, "Sesame Street" deebuted.
* Officially making Bert and Ernie's the longest gay marriage on
TUXEDO INVENTED - (Almanac)
It Was A Fundraiser To Save The
Penguins - On this day in 1886, the first dinner jacket was worn
by its creator at a ball at the Tuxedo Park Country Club in New York.
* And everybody thought he was a waiter.
DR. LIVINGSTONE FOUND - (Almanac)
"Say It, Don't Spray It!" - On
this day in 1871, explorer Henry M. Stanley found the missing Scottish
missionary David Livingstone in central Africa and uttered those
now-famous words, "Dr. Livingstone, I presume?"
* To which Dr. Livingstone gave his equally famous reply: "Wazzzzup?!"
* He recognized Dr. Livingstone's face from the milk carton.
That's Not Powdered Sugar On
Mackenzie's Cake - Heather Matarazzo (28), Eve (32), Mackenzie
Phillips (51), Sinbad (54), Ann Reinking (61), Greg Lake (63), Donna
Fargo (65), Tim Rice (66), Ennio Morricone (82), and Russell Johnson of
"Gilligan's Island" (86). TRIVIA:
The Professor's seldom-used name was Roy Hinkley, and Johnson once
noted that he was so brilliant he apparently knew everything except how
to fix the hole in the boat.
* Are we sure his real name wasn't "Barack Obama?"
THE COMEDY WIRE
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Friday, November 20, 2009
OPRAH TO END HER TALK SHOW
Does This Mean Gayle Has To Get A Job? -
end of an era: Oprah Winfrey will announce today that she will
quit her daytime syndicated talk show after 25 years. The last episode
will be September 9, 2011. She hasn't yet revealed what she plans to
do, but she'll still have her magazine and website, and she's expected
to do something on her OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) cable channel, but
it reportedly won't be exactly like her current show.
* It'll mostly just be Oprah lying in bed and eating pudding.
* She plans to broadcast it from Air Force One.
* (CAREFUL!) Once she's on
cable, she can reveal that Oprah's REAL
Favorite Things are Quaaludes and bondage.
* But what will her fans do without Oprah to tell them what to eat and
what to wear and what their excrement should look like?!
* Oprah's show will be replaced by Dr. Oz's new show, "Name That Poop."
HEALTH CARE REFORM NEWS ROUND-UP That Should Raise Some Eyebrows -
health care reform bill is 2,074 pages, which is even longer
than the House bill. It also has a number of controversial elements,
such as over $800 billion in Medicare cuts; abortion coverage; hundreds
of billions of dollars in new taxes and fees, including fees on makers
of medical devices like wheelchairs and prosthetic limbs; and the part
that will get the most publicity, the "Botox tax." It's a proposed 5
percent tax on all elective, cosmetic surgery. The CBO estimates that
it will bring in $5 billion over the next 10 years.
* From Cher alone.
* Yet another thing that Nancy Pelosi will make sure Congress is exempt
* And THIS is the exact moment when Hollywood fell out of love with
* Sure, your wheelchair will cost more, but don't worry, Medicare will
Bend Over And Drop Your Pants -
polls came out yesterday. A Quinnipiac poll of
registered voters found that only 35 percent support Obamacare, while a
Fox News poll of likely voters has support at just 40 percent. But the
same Fox poll found that despite all the media ridicule of her, Sarah
Palin's favorable rating has steadily risen from the mid-20s to 47
percent. That means Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid have to convince
worried Democrats to pass a health care bill that's considerably less
popular with voters than Sarah Palin.
* Have they considered putting a photo of Sarah Palin in running shorts
on the cover of the bill?
* Maybe they could get Sarah Palin to endorse it if they added death
panels for moose.
* Their new plan is to try to boost the bill's popularity by asking the
liberal media to ridicule it.
* Democrats better lay off Sarah Palin...She killed Oprah's show, and
she can do it to them.
* 35 percent support it, 65 percent oppose it, and zero percent have
read it...which includes the Senators who wrote it.
TOP INTERNET MOMENTS OF THE DECADE Don't Forget All Those Cheap Mortgage
Ads! - The Webby Awards have released a list of the top 10 most
influential Internet moments of the first decade of the 21st century.
They include Google going public and introducing Google AdWords; the
shutdown of Napster; the Twittered Iranian protests; the 2008
presidential campaign; the debuts of Wikipedia, the iPhone, Craig's
List, Facebook and Twitter; and the 2006 introduction of online video,
which they say reshaped everything from politics to pop culture.
* ...to homemade porn.
* Before online video, we only knew what beauty queens looked like with
their gowns ON.
* I don't know how our forefathers survived without 24-hour access to
cats playing piano, dogs on skateboards and bears bouncing on
* Most revolutionary of all: Susan Boyle proving that people can be
plain-looking and still sing.
FRENCH STILETTO RACING CHAMPIONSHIP
Only Women? - Tonight, the old
stock exchange building in Paris will be the site for the annual
National Stiletto Championship. 96 fashionistas who triumphed in
regional races all over France are competing. 32 teams of three women
each will run 180-yard relay races in heels at least three inches high.
The grand prize is $4500 worth of designer shoes. The idea is to show
women who are leery of stilettos that it is possible to master them.
However, there will be Red Cross volunteers standing by to treat any
ankle injuries. * Or deep puncture wounds.
* It had to be a relay: no woman alive could go 180 yards in stilettos.
* The current world record: three hours.
* I think the winner deserves more than one pair of designer shoes.
* Actually, first prize is $4500 worth of either designer shoes or foot
BOOB JOBS FOR FREQUENT FLIER MILES
Twin Engine Jets - Finland's
largest airline, Finnair, is offering a new incentive to frequent
flyers: you can trade your air miles for boob jobs. Other plastic
surgery procedures can also be traded for air miles, including hair
transplants and facelifts. But it's not free: a set of breast implants
will cost you 3,180,000 frequent flyer miles, or the equivalent of 404
flights from Helsinki to Hong Kong. Also, high altitudes have been
known to cause pulsations and bubbling in breast implants.
* Just ask the flight attendants.
* But by the time you earn them, you'll have already flown everywhere
you'd ever want to go.
* But if you have to make a water landing, they made excellent
* This gives new meaning to the slogan, "We love to fly, and it shows."
* It'll use up your miles, but it does get you faster entry into the
Mile High Club.
BAD SEX IN FICTION FINALISTS (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!) What Portnoy Complained About - The
the Literary Review's annual Bad Sex In Fiction Award
have been revealed. They include such famous names as Philip Roth, Paul
Theroux and singer-turned-novelist, Nick Cave. Roth's "The Humbling" is
about an aging guy who seduces a lesbian into heterosexuality. It
includes a lesbian sex scene in which a woman using a sex device is
described as looking like she's "wearing a mask on her genitals."
* A Pinocchio mask.
* A moisturizing mask?
* Well, it is held on with masking tape.
* Nothing makes for a hotter sex scene than using the word "genitals."
* You can see how a smooth talker like that could convince a lesbian to
go straight for him. * I think I'll wait for the movie.
WARNING: EGGO SHORTAGE AHEAD Just Let It Go - Kellogg's
announced that two of the four plants where they made Eggo frozen
waffles have been shut down, one due to flood and another for repairs.
There are already shortages of Eggos in stores nationwide, and they're
expected to continue until summer.
* If you need waffling, you'll have to turn to the government.
* When you hear someone yell, "Leggo my Eggo!," it will soon end in
* We might see a lot of otherwise respectable people putting on
disguises and sneaking into Waffle House.
CONCERT AT BROTHEL(CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!) Best Little Whorehouse In Leipzig - Tonight
Germany, members of the city's orchestra will perform a
concert at the Eros Center brothel. It's a preview of next month's "Sex
Macht Musik" ("Sex Makes Music") festival of "erotic music culture."
They'll perform such works as Dirk D'ase's "Seven Erotic Songs" for
mezzo-soprano and piano, and Askell Masson's "Rhythm Strip." A
spokesman said the brothel recital is a novel attempt to bring
classical music "out of the concert hall and to where people are."
* Well, men, anyway...
* They're saving "Bolero" for the climax.
* Most of the men will be done by the time they finish "The Minute
* Saturday, they're going to a gay brothel to play "The Magic Flute."
MARIAH CAREY SETS NEW DIVA STANDARD
She Can't Show Her Kitty In Public -
Mariah Carey is teaching the British what a real American diva is like.
The Daily Mail reports that Mariah agreed to turn on the Christmas
lights at London's Westfield shopping complex. Her rider of demands
included the following: A chauffeured Rolls (the model had to be
changed six times to please her people), an entourage of 15, a pink
carpet leading to a pink podium, 80 security guards, a shower of
confetti shaped like butterflies (her favorite insect), a wand to wave
to turn on the lights, a release of 100 white doves, and 20 white
kittens to surround her, because she likes animals. The organizers
finally found doves and were looking for the kittens when health and
safety officials stepped in and said no animals.
* So her entourage couldn't come?
* Thank God, because they were really having trouble finding 12 pink
* Also, no fake stuff: it has to be a real magic wand.
* She needed the 80 security guards to keep the organizers from killing
WEB LINK! Tom Cruise talks to
ashtrays. Which are probably better conversationalists than Tom Cruise:
GREAT IDEA! Make paying bills
HEADLINES OF THE DAY! When sex
goes wrong: "Five Licking Teens Hurt In Wreck" - Houston Herald,
"Pittsburgh Police Want to See Junk In Your Trunk" - ABC-Ch. 4, and
"Kellogg Gets Lukewarm Response to Tender Offer" - Dow Jones Newswire...Wanna kiss my Fruit Loops, baby?...
NOTE FROM PAT! Apropos of
nothing, here's a discontinued cereal some fans want Kellogg to bring
back. Might need a name change:
ALMANAC FOR FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2009
BUNDY INVENTS TIME CLOCK (NOT AL
BUNDY) - (Almanac)
See You In Hell, Bill! - On
this day in 1888, Willard Bundy of Auburn, New York, invented the first
timecard punch clock.
* It took people from Florida 20 years to figure out how to punch it
* Willard was also a rat's name, wasn't it?
* Mr. Bundy clocked out around 1940, after being punched repeatedly.
YOUNGEST "SNL" HOST - (Almanac)
She Wishes She Could Remember It -
day in 1982, Drew Barrymore became the youngest-ever host of
"Saturday Night Live" at age seven.
* She introduced the cast to a lot of exciting new drugs.
* And at the cast party after the show, she became the first host to
outdrink John Belushi.
McDONALD'S 50 BILLIONTH BURGER - (Almanac)
The Fat Of The Land - On this
day in 1984, McDonald's made its 50 billionth hamburger. It was cooked
by McDonald's president Edward Rensi at a press conference in New York.
* Catered by the Four Seasons restaurant.
* It was a historic day: the last time a corporate executive actually
earned his paycheck.
BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
10...9...8...(That's Bo Derek Getting
Older) - Josh Turner (32), Dierks Bentley (34), Joel McHale
(38), Beastie Boy Mike D (44), Sean Young (50), Mark Gastineau (53),
Richard Masur (61), Joe Walsh (62), Judy Woodruff (63), Veronica Hamel
(66), Joe Biden (67), Norman Greenbaum (67), Bob "Super Dave Osborne"
Einstein (69), Dick Smothers (71), Richard Dawson (77), Estelle Parsons
(82), Kay Ballard (84), Sen. Robert Byrd (92) and the world's sexiest
Republican, Bo Derek (53).
* What about that other sexy Republican who's appeared on magazine
covers in tight running shorts? You know, George W. Bush?
* With her in the party, I don't know why Bob Dole needs Viagra.
* Robert Byrd is so old, he was born a dinosaur and evolved into a
The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Thursday - October 25, 2007
GIULIANI ENDORSES GUNS FOR THE BLIND He's A Regular Dead-Eye - Rudy
Giuliani is trying to reassure Republicans that he is not anti-gun
rights. At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire, he said he believes in
only three restrictions on buying a gun: a minimum age requirement, a
history of mental illness or a criminal record. When a former cop
blinded in the line of duty asked if Giuliani would take away his gun,
Rudy said, "You don't have to worry," adding that if someone disagrees
with letting blind people have guns, "You have to get the Constitution
* But that audience wanted it changed to allow insane three-year-olds
to buy guns.
* The forefathers wanted to protect our inalienable right to go deer
hunting while blind drunk.
* He's right: one thing I would never do is try to take away a blind
* A blind man is perfectly capable of firing a gun...Aiming is a bit
* Of course, blind people can use guns! That's why they make shotguns!
COLBERT'S CAMPAIGN SCRUTINIZED
How Truthy Is It? - Comic
Stephen Colbert's presidential bid might be a joke, but it could get
him into serious legal trouble. Comedy Central removed a petition drive
from its website after the Federal Election Commission questioned
whether Colbert is a real candidate. If so, the fact that he gets
airtime on Comedy Central and his campaign is sponsored by Doritos
could be construed as illegal corporation campaign donations. Other
comedians, such as Pat Paulson, have made joking runs for the
presidency, but that was before campaign finance reform passed.
* Also, back then, it was a lot easier to tell the joke candidates from
the real candidates.
* Before that law passed, Bill Clinton could run a presidential
campaign sponsored by McDonald's.
* Once they finish with Colbert, they have to determine if Dennis
Kucinich is a real candidate or a cartoon character.
* A campaign sponsored by Doritos is said to be "triangulated."
WOMEN RULE IN SPACE Mars Needs Women - History was
made in space this week when Peggy Whitson took command of the
International Space Station and Col. Pamela Melroy took the commander's
seat in the space shuttle Discovery when it blasted off from Florida on
Tuesday. This marks the first time in history that women were at the
helm of both the space station and the space shuttle at the same time.
* But there was a tragic collision when they were both doing their eye
makeup in the rearview mirrors at the same time.
* Thank God the docking maneuver doesn't require parallel parking.
* If a woman can drive an SUV, she can handle the space shuttle...It's
WOMAN TOO BUSY TO GET ROBBED Hey, 7-11: Hire The British! -
Linda Faulkner, 21, was working as a clerk at a Tesco gas station in
Cheltenham, England, when another female clerk told her that an armed
man made her empty her cash till into a bag, then demanded she empty
hers into it, too. She replied, 'I'm sorry, he'll have to wait, because
I'm busy." He stood there waiting awhile, but finally came up behind
her, grabbed the bag and fled. He was caught and sentenced to seven
years in jail. Faulkner told the Sun newspaper, "I just got on with it.
British people don't stop work just because someone is trying to bully
us with guns."
* Advice to robbers: Move to France. French people will stop working
* A lot of Americans her age won't even start working unless someone's
pointing a gun at them.
* Sadly, she was fired for giving poor customer service and making him
TOWN TO ARREST MASKED PEOPLE ON
Cocoa Nuts - Over the past
four months in Cocoa, Florida, there have been 30 robberies by masked
bandits, so the police are trying something "proactive." In Florida,
wearing a mask in public is a misdemeanor, so they plan to arrest
people who wear masks in certain public areas, such as stores or
hotels, on Halloween. Anyone arrested for wearing a mask on Halloween
could face a hefty fine and up to a year in prison. A police
spokeswoman admitted that the policy is new, "and it may have some
* For instance, the jail can't hold 15,000 people.
* What about Floridians who look like
a mask, but it's just too much Botox?
* Also, Cocoa residents better explain to their kids that Santa will be
clean-shaven this year.
* If you wear a white sheet over your head, they'll also assume you're
a Klansman and charge you with a hate crime.
CAN-CRUSHING BOOBS ILLEGAL (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!) The Cans Are Mightier Than The Cans -
in Pinjarra, Australia, pleaded guilty to violating hotel
licensing laws by twice baring her breasts and crushing beer cans
between them. She and the hotel manager were each fined $900 (US), and
a fellow barmaid was fined $450 (US) for hanging spoons from her
colleague's nipples. A police spokesman said, "It sends a clear
message...that we will not tolerate this type of behavior in our
* But this is a licentious premises.
* Question: where would she go to apply for a license to do that?
* She was fined $900, and she made $6,000 in tips.
* That's nothing, you should see how she twists off bottle caps.
WEB LINK! This isn't her, but
close enough: http://www.funnyclipcentral.com/content/toughtitties.php
SCHOOL BANS STRIPPERS FROM HALLOWEEN
No Strings Attached - A group
of strippers from Scores in New York City volunteered to help Puppetry
Art Theatre raise money for homeless children at the Haunted Halloween
Carnival Benefit at Middle School 51 in Brooklyn. But after the New
York Daily News reported the story, MS51 Principal Lenore Berner told
theater head Timothy Young to uninvite the exotic dancers. Not wanting
to harm the charity, he told the strippers they couldn't come. He said
they weren't going to be inappropriately dressed and had planned to be
costumed as sorceresses and witches.
* "Naughty" sorceresses and witches...
* The 8th grade girls would've been showing more skin than the
* Does that principal realize how many one-dollar bills they could've
raised from dads?
* They're welcome to come trick-or-treat at my house...I'll give them a
treat if they'll turn a trick.
SULTAN'S LIFESTYLE REVEALED
And Then On Tuesday, He Bought... -
of Brunei, one of the world's richest men, is embroiled in a
court case over his transferring $8 billion in state funds to his
personal account, and it's offered a peek into his incredibly lavish
lifestyle. The court papers include a 50-page list of his living
expenses, including luxury cars, paintings, aircrafts, yachts, nearly
$12 million paid to each of his five PR experts, $2.5 million for
acupuncturists and masseuses, $98,000 just for guards for his exotic
bird cages, and $2.5 million to his badminton coach.
* To be fair, the Sultan is now a really wicked badminton player.
* His PR experts will earn their money now!
* Someday, he'll buy birds for those cages.
* This guy must be crazy! He thinks he's Michael Jackson!
* Why does he need acupuncturists? Taxpayers would gladly stick needles
in him for free.
CONDOM TESTERS SOUGHT(CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!) Aren't They ALL Lucky? -
Monday, Durex Condoms launched a drive to find men and women across the
US and Canada to act as condom testers. They've already received 4,000
applications and expect to hit six figures. Applicants must submit
essays on why they are the best qualified. Those accepted will receive
a dozen condoms, lubricant and a "vibrating ring," and have to file
reports on their comfort and sensitivity during use. There is no pay,
but one lucky condom tester will win $1,000.
* Plus you can sue for child support if the condom breaks.
* You can also cash in by combining it with a second job as a mattress
* And it looks great on your resume if you ever want to go into
* The Catch-22: if you're the kind of person who's outstanding at essay
questions, you probably don't get that much sex.
* I should get this job; I've been carrying an "Official Condom Tester"
business card in my wallet for years.
BRITNEY WON'T SING "NON-TOXIC" ON
"SESAME STREET" But She's So Good With Small
Children! - "Sesame Street" denied reports that Britney Spears
will appear on the show to perform a cleaned-up version of her song
"Toxic," backed by Oscar the Grouch. The rumor sparked protests from
worried parents, but the spokesperson said there are no plans to have
Britney on "Sesame Street," which isn't even in production right now.
* The rumor was started by Britney, who spilled her sock drawer and
thought she was surrounded by Muppets.
* Just as well; she would've insisted on performing in a black bra and
* Besides, if she changed the lyrics to the song, her lips wouldn't
match the prerecorded vocals.
* Britney is more of a Barney fan..."Sesame Street" is too intellectual
GREATEST MOVIE SOUNDTRACKS LIST They Shoulda Known Better -
Vanity Fair has listed the 50 greatest movie soundtracks, which will
become a CBS special. They just revealed the top 10, and they include
"The Big Chill," "American Graffiti," "Saturday Night Fever" and "Pulp
Fiction." At #2 was "A Hard Day's Night," edged out by their #1 choice,
Prince's "Purple Rain."
* Featuring "Let's Go Crazy," which they must have done when they put
it ahead of the Beatles.
* When Beatles fans heard that, they spewed a long string of
* But none of them contain that Oscar-winning classic, "It's Hard Out
Here For A Pimp!"
* A state investigation of the officers who tasered a University of
Florida student who refused to stop talking during an appearance by
John Kerry found that the cops were justified in zapping him...Their exact ruling: "It was cool to tase
him, bro!"...They also ruled that the cops would've been justified in
zapping John Kerry to get him to stop talking.
* Scientists at New York University have pinpointed two areas in the
brain that are responsible for optimism, positive thinking, and
believing things such as that everything will work out okay or that you
might win the lottery...Not "might"
win; "WILL" win!...They're the same parts of the brain responsible for
dreams and fantasies...The part of the brain that makes you think
you'll win the lottery is on the opposite side from the part that
* In Japan, executions are by hanging, but the Justice Minister
complained about the thumping trap door and said he wants to consider
"more tranquil" ways to kill criminals, although he didn't say what
those might be...Hanging, with
earplugs?...Hangings are tranquil! All the spectators bring picnic
lunches!...Today's criminals are lucky; back in the '60s, they used to
be stomped to death by Godzilla.
* Officials in Breda, Holland, changed the street name of St. Fiacrius
Court after residents complained that people had started calling it
"St. Viagra Court"...Now it's just
"St. Peter"...When you were on Viagra, you could go up the street, but
you couldn't come back down for four hours.
* An Italian ad campaign against anti-gay discrimination that suggests
people are born gay has sparked outrage by showing an infant with a
bracelet that reads, "Homosexual"...It
"Stewie Griffin"...He became the first baby to get beaten
up by the other babies in the maternity ward.
* The producers of Fox's "Prison Break" announced plans for a similar
series, set in a women's prison...They
already had Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie under contract,
so why not?...Well, Britney needs a comeback vehicle...It will be just
like "Prison Break," only with 40 times the ratings...Can they cast
Lindsay Lohan? Because that's the only way she'll ever go to prison.
* Ron Howard is trying to beat the writer's strike deadline by rushing
to get a sequel to "The Da Vinci Code" ready before the end of the
month...You can tell it's a rush job:
it's about a plot to cover up the secret that the Mona Lisa was
Buddha's cousin...Hey, he used union writers on the first one, and look
how that turned out...Writers should refuse to work on that, strike or
UPDATE! Prostitutes in El
Alto, Bolivia, who have gone on a hunger strike to protest the bars
being closed have taken it a step further by sewing their lips
together...Sounds like they really
didn't think this through...Now they not only can't eat, they can't
ALMANAC FOR THURSDAY, OCT. 25
PICASSO BORN- (Almanac)
Weirdest Baby Pictures Ever -
On this day in 1881, artist Pablo Picasso was born.
* His parents knew he'd be special because both his eyes were on the
same side of his face.
ELECTRONIC BREAKTHROUGHS - (Almanac)
Both Got Boiling Hot In Seconds -
day in 1955, Tappan sold the first microwave oven, and on the
same date in 1960, Bulova began selling the Accutron, the first
* Which was slightly larger than the first microwave oven.
* By 1960, you could time your TV dinner to within 1/50th of a second!
* If you remember those things, you probably have a few electronic
BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
50?! Ay Caramba! - Ciara
(22), Chely Wright (37), Adam Goldberg (37), Tracy Nelson (44), Brian
Kerwin (58), Jon Anderson (63), Helen Reddy (66), Marion Ross (79) and
Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, is 50.
* Bart is like Michael Jackson: middle-aged, but his voice never
changed and he still feels like a 10-year-old.
ADVANCE ALMANAC FOR FRIDAY, OCT. 26
REALLY WELL-ORGANIZED MILITIA -
Their Wives Were The Minute Maids
- On this day in 1774, American patriots organized the volunteer
militia called the Minute Men.
* The name was their wives' idea.
* It only took them a minute because they were a well-organized
GUNFIGHT AT THE OK CORRAL - (Almanac)
I'm OK! - On this day in
1881, the "Gunfight at the OK Corral" took place in Tombstone, Ariz.,
as Wyatt Earp, his two brothers and "Doc" Holliday confronted the
Clanton gang. Three members of Clanton's gang were killed, and Earp's
brothers were wounded.
* There was Earp leakage all over the corral.
* It was over in 30 seconds, but Kevin Costner's movie about it lasted
HEIMLICH APPROVED - (Almanac)
It Didn't Help The Guys At The OK
Corral - On this day in 1975, the American Medical Association
endorsed use of the Heimlich Maneuver to help a person choking on food.
* The old method, clasping your hands around the person's throat and
squeezing, was deemed ineffective.
* It was invented by Dr. Heimlich, to explain to his wife why he was
hugging his nurse from behind.
BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
But Her Husband Feels Like A
20-Year-Old - John Heder (30), Anthony Rapp (36), Keith Urban
(40), Natalie Merchant (44), Cary Elwes (45), Dylan McDermott (46),
Rita Wilson (49), Bootsy Collins (56), Jaclyn Smith (60), Pat Sajak
(61), Pat Conroy (62), Bob Hoskins (65). Also sharing a birthday: Matt
Drudge (40) and Sen. Hillary Clinton (60).
* Two people who both owe their careers to Bill Clinton.
The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Tuesday - September 18, 2007
ALLEGED O.J. ROBBERY CAUGHT ON TAPE (CAREFUL!
A Day Without O.J. Is Like A Day
Without Sunshine - TMZ.com obtained a shocking
audiotape of the actual alleged armed robbery involving O.J. Simpson.
One of the collectibles dealers carried a portable recorder because he
thought there might be a confrontation, and it captured O.J. bursting
in commando-style, shouting, "Don't let nobody out of the room!" He is
heard screaming, "You stole my (BLEEP)!" and calling them the F-word
repeatedly as he and/or the men with him threaten the dealers, order
them to stand against the wall, and force them to throw their cell
phones on the bed while they stuff autographed balls and other
memorabilia into pillowcases.
* So they not only took memorabilia at gunpoint, they also stole hotel
* The tape is called "How I Did It."
* He was just practicing for when he finds the real killers.
* This is why no jury will convict him: he's just too damn charming.
WEB LINK! Censored and uncensored copies with transcripts here:
KEYES ENTERS RACE AGAIN
God Called Him, Collect - Black conservative commentator
Alan Keyes, who unsuccessfully ran for the presidential nomination
in1996 and 2000, and lost the Illinois Senate race to Barack Obama by a
43 percent margin, announced that he is entering the 2008 presidential
race. Keyes said he decided to run because the race is wide open, and
"there isn't a standout."
* He'll stand out because he's the only Republican who could lose to
Obama by 43 points.
* Scoff if you will, but he's already rocketed past Dennis Kucinich in
AIRPORT MEN'S ROOM NOW A TOURIST ATTRACTION It's Either This Or Seeing Garrison
Keillor - The
men's room where Sen. Larry Craig was arrested in a
gay sex sting has become a big tourist attraction. A man who runs the
shoeshine stand outside it said, "It's been crazy;" people are crowding
around, photographing the door and the famous toilet stall. One woman
traveler said she and her husband had to stop and check it out. In
fact, it was her husband's second time: he was already there last week.
* Although he insists he's NOT
* He's proud of the fact that he used to visit it before it was famous.
* Visitors to that men's room can get their pictures taken by the door,
by the toilet stall and with George Michael.
* So it's illegal to tap your foot in the men's room, but it's okay to
* That restroom was always a
big tourist attraction...That's why the cop was there.
* It's such a tourist attraction, they're about to put a Starbucks in
* Business is good at the shoeshine stand: men like to make a good
impression while tapping...Also, if your shoes are as shiny as a
mirror, you can tell if the guy in the next stall is a cop.
PRETTY BABY II: UNDERAGE MODEL SPARKS OUTRAGE To Stay Skinny, She Chain Smokes Candy
Fashion Week in Queensland, Australia, sparked media outrage
by choosing as its official face Maddison Gabriel, a blonde, blue-eyed
model who just turned 13 on Sunday. Maddison is already 5-foot 7, can
"fit into women's clothes," and she's already modeled several revealing
outfits, although she's not used for lingerie and swimwear yet. Prime
Minister John Howard called it "outrageous" to put a girl as young as
12 into such a sexualized role. But her mother accused him of "getting
very doddery," saying, "He does not know exactly what 13 and
14-year-old girls are like...We're trying to get our teenage daughters
to act older."
* ...So old rich guys will date them.
* News flash, lady: If your daughter acted 14, she'd be acting older.
* She's not model height yet, but she was born model weight.
* Of course, she can wear women's designer clothes: those are all created for a 12-year-old
* Designers like to use her because she's willing to be paid in Beanie
MEN NOT WASHING HANDS IN BATHROOMS
They're Too Busy Getting Arrested - Monday,
and Detergent Association presented its annual hand-washing
survey to a meeting of infection disease specialists in Chicago. They
sent spies to hang out in public restrooms and observe over 6,000
people in four US cities to see if people are washing their hands after
using the bathroom. More people than ever are skipping the washing, and
the gender gap is growing. Two years ago, 10 percent of women and a
quarter of men didn't wash; this year, it was 12 percent of women and a
third of men. A spokesman said, "Guys need to step up to the sink."
* Except for about a third of guys, who pee in the sink.
* I've heard that in certain airport men's rooms, guys really don't care about hygiene.
* So if you want to be safe, every third man you meet, don't shake his
* They hire spies to watch strange men use public toilets? Well, at
least Larry Craig will have a job after the Senate.
AIRLINE PLANS GAY FLIGHT On This Plane, The Pilots Move Their Tails
For You - Air
hopes to attract the gay and lesbian market with the "Pink
Flight," a special theme flight from San Francisco to Sydney's Gay
& Lesbian Mardi Gras in February. It starts with a "Girlfriend, Get
Onboard" party at the airport, and the entertainment will include
gay-friendly movies, contests, cabaret music and more. They did a
similar flight before: the crew wore pink feather boas, and even the
pilot got into it and wore fairy wings. A spokesman said there will be
some quiet time during the 14-hour flight, so passengers can get their
* The pilot, too.
* Some of the passengers miss the flight because they never make it
past the airport men's room.
* For this flight, the "Occupied" sign on the toilet door will read
* It's the only flight where the pilot could announce that the plane is
going down, and everyone would cheer.
MAN FINDS GOLD TOOTH IN MARS BAR All He Got From Them Was Snickers -Terence Fitzgerald,
an electrician from Hastings, England, was eating a Mars Bar when
something got stuck in his throat, and he coughed up somebody's gold
tooth. He said it was horrible, and he felt sick. But when he
complained to Mars about it, they told him to send them the gold tooth
and a copy of his dental records. They wanted him to prove the gold
tooth wasn't his. Fitzgerald said he's still got all his teeth, and he
won't eat Mars Bars ever again.
* Why not? They have GOLD
* If he's still got all his own teeth, he must not have eaten very many
* You'd expect to find gold in a Payday, or maybe a $100,000 bar.
* Mars should've just told him, "Congratulations! You've found the
golden ticket to a tour of the Hastings Dental Clinic!"
BRAIN OPERATION CHANGES BOY'S ACCENT Also, There Was No Sand Castle -
10-year-old William McCartney-Moore of York, England, contracted a rare
strain of meningitis and needed emergency surgery to remove fluid from
his brain. He's now fully recovered, but with a very bizarre side
effect. Before the operation, he spoke with a harsh, Northern England
twang; and now, he speaks like a posh London aristocrat. He can't even
hear the difference himself. His family says they first noticed it when
they took him to the beach to recuperate, and he said, "Look, I've made
a 'sahnd cahsle.'" He had no idea why they were staring at him.
* Or why they impulsively beat the crap out of him.
* He thought they must be brain damaged.
* Hey, did Madonna ever have meningitis?
* So when Henry Higgins said, "By George, I think she's got it!," he
INTERNET LOVERS TURN OUT TO BE SPOUSES
The "Escape" Part Still Goes - A
couple in Zenica, Bosnia, met over the Internet, complained to each
other about their miserable spouses, decided they were soul mates,
agreed to meet in person, and discovered they were already husband and
wife. Adnan and Sana Klaric said they were shattered to discover that
the person who seemed so sweet and perfect turned out to be their
spouse who never said anything nice to them. Now they are divorcing,
each accusing the other of being unfaithful.
* Or unintentionally faithful.
* They could try being nice to each other in person...Nah, that's just
* This seemed a lot more romantic in that "Pina Colada" song.
SMOKING CAUSES ACNE Finally, Something That Will Make
Teenagers Stop Smoking! - The San Gallicano Dermatological
Institute in Rome announced that smoking can cause acne. They call the
condition "smoker's acne," in which blocked pores erupt into pimples.
Women are especially susceptible to it. In a study of 1,000 women aged
25 to 50, 42 percent of the smokers had acne, compared to only 10
percent of nonsmokers.
* The good news: most people won't come close enough to a smoker to see
* Smoking does help control the redness, by turning the skin yellow.
* So either stop smoking, or smoke a lot more, so people can't see your
zits through all the smoke.
BAD MONDAY FOR BRITNEY AND K-FED
Haven't They Heard His Album?! - Monday,
denied a report that they were investigating a contract hit on
Kevin Federline, saying they'd heard "nonspecific, uncorroborated
allegations" of a threat, but there wasn't enough proof that someone
wanted to kill him to make a case.
* No specific threat, just general disinterest.
* If they couldn't find anybody who wanted to kill Kevin Federline,
they must not have been trying very hard.
* It figures: K-Fed can't even land a contract to get shot.
Also, Lack Of Talent - Monday, a
former bodyguard for Britney Spears gave testimony that might cost her
custody of her two kids. The transcripts were sealed, but he reportedly
made allegations of "nudity, drug use and safety issues."
* Yes, but are those claims credible?!
* Also, she committed child abuse by forcing her kids to watch mommy on
the MTV Awards.
Firm Rejection - Also Monday,
Britney's talent agency, The Firm, dropped her after just one month,
issuing a statement reading, "We believe Britney is enormously talented
and has made a terrific record. But current circumstances have
prevented us from properly doing our job."
* If they kept her on, they'd have to stop calling themselves a "talent
* They're really good agents. Even though they're dumping her, they
said she was enormously talented and had made a terrific record, which
shows they're still willing to lie for her.
* Whoever signed her was both fired and had a contract put out on him.
* Columbus Zoo director Jack Hanna tried to go through a turnstile at
the Ohio State University Airport Sunday with a flamingo in a 2x3-foot
crate, got stuck tight, and firefighters had to come cut the flamingo
out. Hanna said the next time he comes to that airport, the biggest
animal he'll bring is a gerbil...Same
thing Richard Gere said, and look where that got stuck...He really
stuck his neck out trying to bring on a flamingo...That gay airline
might want to scrap its plans to bring along some pink flamingos.
* Barry Manilow reportedly pulled out of "The View" at the last minute
because he refused to tolerate Elizabeth Hasselbeck's conservative
conservatives are so intolerant of other people's opinions!...Barry
Manilow doesn't want conservatives listening to his music! He only
wants hip, trendy liberals singing along to "Mandy!"
* Wednesday, the New York Times will end its paid TimesSelect Web
service that charged people $49.95 a year to read columnists such as
Maureen Dowd. Content will be free again, in hopes of attracting more
readers...And by "more," they mean
"any" readers...If that doesn't work, they'll pay us to read Maureen
Dowd...Also, too many people had been reading Maureen Dowd, then
WEB LINK! The
"Family Guy" opening song from the Emmys, AKA, the only thing from it
worth seeing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrzKyopCls4
HEADLINE OF THE DAY! From
Iowa, Courier: "Witness Says He Tried to Protect Johnson"...And who can blame him?
ALMANAC FOR TUESDAY, SEPT. 18
CONGRESSIONAL CORNERSTONE LAID -
And In 1993, Bill Clinton GOT Laid There -
On this day in 1793, President Washington laid the cornerstone of the
* Marking the first time something got laid in Congress, but hardly the
TRAIN BEATEN BY HORSE- (Almanac)
Horses Towed It Away - On
this day in 1830, America's first locomotive, the B&O Railroad's
Tom Thumb, lost a nine-mile race to a horse. The locomotive sprang a
boiler leak and never finished.
* So we gave up and never built another one.
* The horse also had a leak, but he waited until the race was over.
BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
He's Laughing At O.J. -
Rapper Xzibit (33), James Marsden (34), Jada Pinkett Smith (36), Aisha
Tyler (37), Holly Robinson Peete (43), James Gandolfini (46), Anna
Devere Smith (57), Kerry Livgren of Kansas (58), Frankie Avalon (67),
Fred Willard (68), Jimmie Rodgers (74) and Robert Blake (74).
* He's getting up there, ladies, but he's available!
ADVANCE ALMANAC FOR WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 19
It's "Talk Like A Pirate Day," but after three Johnny Depp movies,
that's starting to seem a bit retarrrrrrrrrrrrrr-ded.
FIRST TALKING CARTOON DEBUTS -
Voiced By John Gilbert - On
this day in 1928, the first talking cartoon, "Steamboat Willie" with
Mickey Mouse, debuted in New York and was a huge hit.
* Surprising, since many people thought Mickey's high squeaky voice
would ruin his career.
DISNEYLAND BOOTS KHRUSHCHEV - (Almanac)
We Will Bury Your Mickey Mouse Country!
- On this day in 1959, Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev reacted
angrily when he was told he couldn't enter Disneyland, due to security
* His head wasn't as high as Mickey's hand.
* So guess where Russia's nukes were pointed all those years.
* It's odd, because Disneyland was the only place in the world with
tighter security than the Soviet Union.
BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Batman And The Bat Pole -
Jimmy Fallon (33), Cheri Oteri (42), Trisha Yearwood (43), Rex Smith
(52), Nile Rodgers (55), Joan Lunden (57), Jeremy Irons (59), Freda
Payne (62), Randy Mantooth (62), David Bromberg (62), Bill Medley (67),
Paul Williams (67), David McCallum (74), Rosemary Harris (77), Adam
West (77) and the first waif model, Twiggy (58). When she became a
superstar model in 1966, she was 16 years old and her measurements were
* By today's modeling standards, that would make her a "fat, old cow."
The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Thursday - July 19, 2007
AL-QAEDA LEADER REALLY AN ACTOR
Who Knows More About Bombing? - US
troops arrested a senior member of al-Qaeda in Iraq, and he claimed
that the group's supposed kingpin, Omar al-Baghdadi, doesn't really
exist. He said it's a fictional character invented by the real al-Qaeda
leader from Egypt, who publicly swore allegiance to al-Baghdadi just to
make it appear that he was real. Actually, when al-Baghdadi's voice is
heard on tapes threatening the West, it's an actor.
* An actor who could really use a new agent.
* Damn! That Gilbert Gottfried is getting all the voice work!
* The real al-Qaeda leader sounds just like Truman Capote.
* They needed a rabidly anti-American actor, so they hired someone from
* How great to be an actor and make a living doing what you love.
BUSH VOWS TO VETO $10 CIGARS
This Came From A Smoke-Filled Room -
may see his popularity rating rise among smokers, at
least. Senate Democrats have proposed a plan to pay for children's
health insurance by adding another 61 cents per pack tax to cigarettes
and a whopping 20,000 percent increase in the tax on large cigars. That
means the tax on any cigar larger than a cigarillo would leap from five
cents to $10. If it passes in Congress, Bush threatened to veto it.
* If they try to override him, the vote will be close, but no cigar.
* If all cigars are $10 each, only guys named Vito will be able to
* Republicans don't mind lighting cigars with $100 bills, but they
refuse to pay $10 in taxes for the privilege.
* Ironically, it's Bill
Clinton who's famous for cheapening cigars.
* Oh, come on! Wouldn't you like to go from smoking cigarillos to
smoking $10 cigars?!
* Good plan: fund children's health care from cigar sales, then make
cigars so expensive, nobody buys them anymore. Sorry, kids!
CONGRESS SPENDS $1 MILLION ON MYSTERY PROJECT
Saving Tax Money Is Flaky! -
Tuesday in Congress, Arizona Rep. Jeff Flake, a fiscal watchdog,
questioned an earmark of $1 million in tax money for the "Center for
Instrumented Critical Infrastructure." There was no purpose listed for
the money, and Flake asked if the Center even exists. Democratic Rep.
Peter Visclosky, who chairs the subcommittee that approved the
spending, admitted, "At this time, I do not know," adding, "But if it
does not exist, the monies could not go to it." That was good enough
for the House, which overwhelmingly voted down Flake's proposal to
strike it. A reporter found that the $1 million is actually going to a
tech consulting firm that gave $7,000 to Rep. John Murtha's campaign,
but we still don't know what the $1 million is for.
* Oh, I think we do...
* It will go to fund a study of why America has such a big budget
* That's Congressional philosophy: "If it doesn't exist, tax money
couldn't go to it. In other words, 'I scam, therefore I am.'"
* Throwing away a million bucks in tax money to a mysterious,
undocumented pork project...Finally, something Democrats and
Republicans can agree on!
MAJORING IN PROSTITUTION She's Working Her Way Through College -
During hearings into college funding changes in New Zealand, it was
explained that funding was based on general three-year plans, not
specific courses. One Parliament member who questioned the value of new
"relevant" courses such as "Twilight Golf" asked if that meant a
college could get government funding for courses in, say, prostitution.
Education officials said that was possible, although if colleges did
propose offering prostitution classes, they would still have to meet
tight criteria to get funding.
* Unless they could think of some other way to get politicians to give
* Prostitution classes would be more appropriate for vocational school.
* The good news: if a girl can get an A in prostitution class, she can
get an A in any class.
* "Whoring 101" should be a prerequisite for a degree in advertising.
SEXY PICK-UP LINES DON'T WORK
It Worked On Wilma - Scotland's
Edinburgh University did a study of pick-up lines and found that men
are clueless. Men were asked to try four different types of lines:
cultured, complimentary, humorous and sexual (for instance, "I may not
be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock"). Women in the test
were most receptive to lines that were funny or that signaled the man
was a "nice guy." They were most put off by sexually explicit lines,
but the men were consistently over-optimistic that vulgar lines would
work. A spokesman said he can't imagine a woman being turned on by
those lines, but if you look like George Clooney, you might be able to
get away with them.
* If you look like George Clooney, the only pickup line you need is
* Unfortunately, these guys all looked like Fred Flintstone.
* Men think those lines will work because those are the lines that
would work on them.
* The best pick-up line is one that makes a woman feel special...If you
find one like that, use it on every woman.
NAKED PEOPLE NEEDED FOR GLACIER PHOTO Once Again, Hard Nipples Save The World
- The Swiss branch of Greenpeace is lookiing for at least 50 volunteers
for a new ad campaign about fighting global warming. They want people
who are willing to appear nude in a group photo, posing naked on a
Swiss glacier. The idea is to draw attention to melting glaciers by
making the connection that the world's environment is vulnerable, like
the human body. They hope that the sight of all those naked people
exposed to the cold will galvanize people to call politicians and
demand action on global warming.
* They'll demand more of it! Those poor naked people are freezing!!
* And you thought it was bad when your tongue got stuck to a frozen
* If you're a shy man, don't worry: it'll be so cold, nobody will see
* It'll be so cold, you'll actually be able to SEE them exhaling deadly
carbon dioxide, OHMYGOD!!
VERMONT TOWN BANS NUDISTS HANGING OUT ALL OVER
A New Wrinkle - Brattleboro,
Vermont, has had enough of public nudity. The liberal town has always
been proud of its tolerance of nude sunbathing, skinny-dipping and
topless parades, but all the stories about it on the Internet have
turned it into a magnet for nudists. Some parents complained about
naked teenagers walking around downtown stores, biking and hula-hooping
naked. But the last straw came when last Friday's genteel Gallery Walk
event was marred by a 68-year-old man who'd come from Arizona so he
could wander around in nothing but sandals. Tuesday, officials passed a
30-day emergency nudity ban while they decide what to do.
* First of all, they'll impose an age limit of 40.
* Of course, the nudity ban will not apply to government officials or
their employees, especially their secretaries.
* A man who's spent 68 years naked in the Arizona sun needs to put on
some clothes...He looked like someone had built a scarecrow out of beef
* A naked 18-year-old girl hula-hooping is fine, but a 68-year-old man
in nothing but sandals is taking freedom a little too far.
EXPENSIVE GAS MAY CURTAIL DRIVING This Could Give Cheney Another Heart
Attack - Many Americans say they've cut back on some expenses
due to $3 a gallon gasoline, but a Reuters/Zogby poll found that 40
percent said they would actually drive less if gas hit $3.50 a gallon.
19 percent said it would have to reach $4; another 9 percent said it
would take $4.50 gas; 7 percent said it would take $5-a-gallon gas to
make them scale back; and 19 percent said they would not cut back on
driving no matter how much gas cost.
* The economy is so good, 19 percent of Americans are millionaires.
* But that last sample was skewed because they were all members of Al
* Americans get offered 15 new credit cards every day, so no problem.
* Oil companies don't care if it's $100 million a gallon; all they need
is one rich guy with a Hummer.
ROSIE O'DONNELL'S SCARY NEW OFFERS Turn Out The Lights - Despite her
controversial exit from "The View," Rosie O'Donnell has no shortage of
offers. The producers of NBC's "Friday Night Lights" hope to boost its
low ratings by getting Rosie to play a girls' soccer coach who's angry
that most of the money in the small Texas school's budget goes to
* After she speaks up, it all goes to football.
* Oh, come on! Who'd believe Rosie O'Donnell as a girls' gym coach?!
* The producers know
that if there's one thing fans of small town Texas football love, it's
Don't Go Bustin' My Chops -
Barry Manilow's next album will be a double-CD of 1970s hits, and he
got Rosie O'Donnell to duet with him on a cover of Elton John and Kiki
Dee's "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart."
* Which will be renamed, "Don't Go Breakin' My Eardrums."
* Barry Manilow decided his solo albums just weren't sexually ambiguous
* It was the only way he could think of to make 1970s music even more
annoying than it was originally.
WHITE STRIPES PLAY SHORTEST CONCERT EVER Too Many Notes! - NME.com reports
that the White Stripes took the stage at a club in St. John's, Canada,
and played the world's shortest concert. They played one note -
reportedly a C-sharp - then announced they had "now officially played
in every province and territory in Canada," and left. Amazingly,
hundreds of fans showed up for the concert, even though they were
warned in advance that it would be only one note long.
* That would be a great way for Ashlee Simpson to draw bigger crowds.
* But it was a half-note, so there's still plenty of room for someone
to break the record with a quarter or sixteenth note.
* It's sad to see the White Stripes go down in history as a one-note
"SOUND OF MUSIC" TV CHANNEL Shut Your Von Trapps, Already! - In
Salzburg, Austria, a TV channel has been launched that plays nothing
but the movie "The Sound of Music" 24 hours a day. It was filmed around
Salzburg, and a survey found that 70 percent of tourists came purely
because they were fans. It's expected that the subscription channel
will mostly be purchased by hotels and guesthouses so tourists can see
the movie at any time.
* It's for people who have only one favorite thing.
* Wouldn't they rather go hiking in the hills and see a doe, a deer, a
* If you want something a little naughtier, they also have a
pay-per-view porn flick called "The Lonely Goatherd."
* If you're thinking you'd like to subscribe to this, then the hills
may be alive, but your social life is dead.
* Wednesday, a massive explosion blew a crater into midtown Manhattan,
but Mayor Bloomberg said it was not caused by terrorists but by an
exploding steam pipe that hadn't been replaced since 1924...So the good news: our officials are
keeping us safe from terrorists. The bad news: they haven't updated our
infrastructure since 1924.
* At a speech to fellow trial lawyers in Chicago, John Edwards said
that voters like him, Hillary and Obama, but "all the empirical
evidence shows that I am the strongest general election candidate"... He's leading the polls among members of
the Hair Club for Men...He's a personal injury
he can say ANYTHING with a straight face...(CAREFUL!)
It's not that voters wouldn't support a woman or a black man, it's just
that they like their presidents to have penises, as long as they're not
* Dennis Kucinich, the only vegan presidential candidate, was
hospitalized after he got sick on a flight from Cleveland from apparent
severe food poisoning...How do you
get salmonella when you don't even eat salmon?...He forgot that in
Cleveland, tofu is made with pork...He got sick when he realized the
bacon bits on his salad were actually made of bacon.
* Tuesday, Barack Obama told a Planned Parenthood audience that
teaching sex education to kindergarteners is "the right thing to do,"
as long as it's "age-appropriate"...Well,
pop-up books...Okay, but where are they going to find
condoms that small?
* The New England Journal of Medicine reports that studies in Canada
and Germany found evidence that "restless leg syndrome," in which
people's legs jerk around uncontrollably, is genetic and not
imaginary...Well, ain't that a kick
in the head...It's in Irish genes; all the people in "Riverdance" have
MONKEY PLAYS JOCKEY - (Almanac)
Big Deal! He Came In Third! - On
this day in 1842, at a trotting race in Hoxton, England, a pony ridden
by a monkey in a jockey suit completed the race, a distance of 4 miles,
in 57 minutes.
* They usually disqualify any horse with a monkey on its back.
* It's a toss-up as to which is cuter: a monkey in a jockey suit, or a
jockey in a monkey suit.
FIRST ELVIS SINGLE RELEASED -
The Eminem Of 1954 - On this day
in 1954, Sun Records released the first single by Elvis Presley,
"That's Alright (Mama)" b/w "Blue Moon of Kentucky." Label owner Sam
Philips said he'd searched for years for a singer who was white but
* Today, of course, every white suburban teenager in America sounds
BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
He Is The Champion! - Rachel Miner
(27), Anthony Edwards (45), Campbell Scott (46), Peter Barton (51),
Bernie Leadon (60), Commander Cody (63), Vikki Carr (66), George
Hamilton IV (70), George McGovern (85) and Queen guitarist Brian May
(60). Last week, May finally finished his Ph.D. thesis in physics, 30
years after he started it.
* That's still impressive: most rock stars would take 30 years just to
finish high school.
The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Wednesday - April 4, 2007
NO PROOF "SMART TOYS" WORK
Dum-Dum-Dum-Duuuum! - CDs, DVDs
and toys that promise to make babies smarter are a multi-billion-dollar
industry, but the Washington, DC, think tank Education Sector said most
of them are based on misinterpretations of brain research and won't
work. A spokeswoman said it's true that babies' brains change rapidly,
but there is no evidence that brain development slams shut at age 3,
that lack of sufficient stimulation harms babies, or that playing
babies Beethoven or having them play with Einstein-inspired blocks
makes them any smarter or more successful.
* Einstein didn't play with them.
* Marketers know that brain development slams shut the moment you
become a parent.
* Maybe so, but any kid videos without Barney can prevent brain damage in parents.
* There's also the evidence that kids have more smart toys than ever,
but they seem to be getting dumber and dumber.
* If you're dumb enough to think this will make your kid a genius,
chances are that no kid with your DNA is going to be a genius.
WOMAN SUES FOR "NEGLIGENT DANCING" How Heather Mills Really Lost Her Leg -
Lacey Hindman of Chicago has filed a groundbreaking lawsuit against a
man who danced badly with her at an office party. She says he grabbed
her and flipped her into the air, then failed to catch her and dropped
her on her head, fracturing her skull. She is seeking medical damages
and lost wages on the novel legal grounds of "negligent dancing."
She's also suing the company for hiring only white men.
* If she wins, this could start a class action suit that will bankrupt
every straight man in the world.
* She never expected that he'd try to jitterbug to "O Holy Night."
* The video of this party is now for sale under the title, "Accountants
WOMAN BITES PURSUER'S PENIS (CAREFUL!
No, It Was April Fool's Day - Natascha
of Hamburg, Germany, has a unique way of discouraging
horny men. She was at a disco and said she just wanted to dance, and
Andreas Baum, 39, "kept coming alongside me and would not go away."
Baum claims she beckoned him over, said, "I know what you need," and
unzipped his fly. He said he "thought it was Christmas" until she
pulled out his penis and nearly bit it off. Paramedics found Baum
rolling on the dance floor, clutching his bloody organ. Mueller tested
six times over the legal drunk limit and was arrested.
* Apparently, there really is an official limit beyond which a woman is
too drunk to be trusted around a penis.
* She was drunk enough to star in the most unpopular "Girls Gone Wild"
* Her defense: she was so drunk, she mistook it for a German sausage.
* On the bright side, she can rest assured no man will ever come on to
FRENCH TRAIN SETS SPEED RECORD We Can Stage The World's Fastest Retreats!
- Tuesday, a group of technicians wearing T-shirts that read
"French Excellence" claimed a world record as France's new high-speed
V150 train exceeded 357 mph on a 15-minute test run. Dignitaries on
board the double-decker train compared the feeling to taking off in a
jet. The V150 runs on a super high-voltage cable and has a
25,000-horsepower engine and extra-large wheels. Special adjustments
were made to the tracks to keep it safe, such as banking the curves.
* And placing giant throw pillows all around them.
* It broke the old French speed record, which was set by the army
surrendering to Germany.
* If a cow gets on the track in front of it, it will be vaporized into
* This train is so fast, your fellow passengers will barely have time
to molest you before it's your stop.
FCC BANS CELL PHONES ON PLANES
Guess Where I'm Calling From!
- After years of study, the FCC officiallly barred letting airline
passengers use cell phones while in flight, saying there's insufficient
information on whether it would jam navigation and communications
* Well, if we don't use cell phones, how will we ever find out?
* Also, people risk getting strangled by the person stuck in the seat
next to them.
WORLD'S FIRST "SPIRITUAL FRAGRANCE" It's What Belly Dancers Wear -
IBI, a niche fragrance company in Orange, California, has just released
the world's first spiritual perfume. It's inspired by the Bible and
mixes scents of apricot, fig, pomegranate, aloe, iris, frankincense and
myrrh. The maker says it's designed to be a reminder of God, Christ,
spiritual self and soul. It comes in a 1.7 ounce bottle with 24-karat
gold lettering, retails for $80, and supposedly "places the wearer in
an ancient world of senses, enduring and timeless for over 3,000
years." It's called "Virtue."
* And yet, it's so seductive, you'll feel like a..."Harlot."
* Jesus would tell you to give that $80 to the poor, but He knew
nothing about fragrances.
* Or if you prefer to sell your soul to Satan, you can wear Paris
* Michael Jordan's cologne is even more Biblical...Whenever you wear
it, people shout, "Jesus! What's that smell?!"
PRACTICAL JOKE SPARKS DIVORCE He's No Fool - The Shanghai Evening
Post reports that a Mr. Lin of Shanghai, China, was getting fed up with
his wife, Han, a 26-year-old actress whose method of keeping their
marriage fresh was to surprise him with practical jokes every day. For
instance, she'd change the locks or hide the dishes in the washing
machine. The last straw came on April Fool's Day when he came home to
find she'd hanged herself. After he called police and took down her
"body," she sat up and started laughing hysterically. He's now
* It was either that or hang himself.
* She kind of expected that when he first saw her hanging there and
danced a little jig.
* I'm really surprised that he couldn't see the humor in a woman like
that hanging herself.
VERY BAD CARJACKER FOUND Try Stealing A Tricycle And Work Your Way
Up - Police finally located and arrested Erick Fuentes in
Allapattah, Florida, on kidnapping and other charges. On March 1,
Fuentes allegedly stole Atheysha Diaz's car from her driveway, not
realizing her two kids were strapped in the back seat. Daughter Briana,
6, fought back by whacking him with her fists and a copy of the
children's book "Sarah's Unicorn" until he couldn't take it anymore,
pulled over, removed the kids, and sped away, only to crash into a
telephone pole. The incident made national news, and Ellen DeGeneres
gave the family a new car on her TV show.
* That's not fair: it's obviously Fuentes who really needed a car.
* Hey, a pop-up book about unicorns can be dangerous!
* The blows he could tolerate, but she was also chanting, "Are we there
yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?..."
* (CAREFUL!) He dreads going
to prison and having to tell his cellmate that he's in for getting his
ass kicked by a six-year-old girl with a unicorn book.
DRUNKEN ZAMBONI-DRIVING LEGAL IN JERSEY On Thin Ice - A New Jersey judge
ruled that it's okay to drive drunk as long as you're on a Zamboni. A
Morristown Zamboni operator was arrested after he was allegedly seen
speeding and nearly crashing into the boards while grooming the ice at
Mennen Sports Arena, and he tested well above the DUI limit. But a
judge overturned his license revocation on appeal, ruling that four-ton
Zambonis are not motor vehicles because they aren't useable on highways
and can't carry passengers.
* Actually, they are and they can, if the driver is drunk enough.
* He still had to pay a stiff fine for crushing all those figure
* Besides, Zamboni operators have to drink to keep warm.
ROBBERY GOES CUCKOO Let's Roll! - Tuesday night in
Melbourne, Australia, a couple waited
for a restaurant to close and robbed the manager as he was leaving.
They took a black plastic bag that they thought contained the day's
receipts, but actually contained leftover bread rolls for the manager's
chickens. The man's shotgun then accidentally went off, spraying his
female accomplice's stomach with buckshot. The manager said she "fell
to the ground like a sack of potatoes" and screamed, and he ran back
inside, locked the door and called the police. The man was arrested,
and the woman treated at a hospital. It all took place at the Cuckoo
* For the Cuckoo Restaurant, that was a pretty typical night.
* They tried to rob the Cuckoo Restaurant, and they got their clock
* This story left out the most important part: Did the chickens ever
get their bread rolls?
HIS DAD'S ASHES Smelled Like Old Spice - In an
interview with NME magazine, Keith Richards was asked the strangest
thing he'd ever tried to snort, and he replied that in 2002, "I snorted
my father." Richards explained, "He was cremated, and I couldn't resist
grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have
cared...It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."
* Is he sure about that?
* Also, when Keith takes a shot of Old Granddad, he actually is
shooting up his granddad.
* To be fair, Keith was young and foolish then, and not even out of his
* If you are what you eat, then I think Mick Jagger has been eating his
* Actually, his dad isn't the weirdest thing he ever snorted, he's just
the weirdest thing he can remember.
Richards added that he's still alive mostly due to luck, noting that "I
was No. 1 on the `who's likely to die' list for 10 years. I mean, I was
really disappointed when I fell off the list."
* He'd bet on himself.
* After this story, he just got back on.
* To feel better, he had to do a little more "dad."
PARENTS WANT TO NAME DAUGHTER "METALLICA"
And Her Screams Reach 120 Decibels -
Karolina Tomaro of Goteborg, Sweden, are in court to appeal
the government's decision not to let them name their six-month-old
daughter Metallica. The Swedish Tax Board, which must approve names,
said it's associated with heavy metal and is ugly. But her Metallica
fan mom said, "It suits her. She's decisive and she knows what she
* She's already got five tattoos and a tongue stud!
* But she's not old enough yet to realize that she does NOT want to be named "Metallica."
* Besides, Michael doesn't know it, but her real dad is in Metallica.
* The kid should consider herself lucky that her parents aren't fans of
* I say we put the Swedish Tax Board in charge of regulating baby names
STOP THE PRESSES: NO NEWS ON ANNA NICOLE'S BABY No Access Hollywood - All day long
Tuesday, reporters gave minute-by-minute updates as they breathlessly
awaited the long-delayed DNA tests to reveal the father of Anna Nicole
Smith's baby, Dannielynn. Then, the Nassau court held its proceedings
in a closed-door session, and later announced that due to a gag order,
they couldn't reveal the results outside of court. So we still don't
know who the father is. Court proceedings won't resume until next
* The big question: how much is CNN paying the judge to drag this out
* "Gag order" means they'll keep stretching this out until we gag.
* At least this means there's still a chance I could win my bet that
the father is Bigfoot.
* The blogger who
went on a hunger strike until Sanjaya Malaker is voted off "American
Idol" started eating again after 16 days at doctor's orders, but she
says she's devising some other strategy to get rid of him...She's now considering eating him...After
fasting for 16 days, not even Sanjaya's singing could kill her
appetite...Her doctor also prescribed ear plugs.
* Warren Beatty insisted that the Carly Simon song "You're So Vain"
really is about him...Come on, it
must be! Who else is so vain, he thinks that song is about him?
* A restaurant in Beijing, China, paid $75,000 for a giant, golden
tiger fish because it's a symbol of wealth and good fortune...If you can pay $75,000 for a fish, don't
you already HAVE wealth and good fortune?... Asked how the fish is, a
waiter replied, "It's delicious with peanut sauce."
FIRST WOMAN MAYOR IN U.S. - (Almanac)
Quite A Dame! - On this day in
1887, Susanna Medora Salter of Argonia, Kansas, became the first
American woman elected mayor. The Women's Christian Temperance Union
nominated her and forgot to tell her. She found out she was a candidate
when she went to the polls to vote.
* She had forgotten that she wasn't allowed to vote.
* How could they forget to tell her she was nominated? Were they
BEATLES MAKE CHART HISTORY -
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah! - On this day in
1964, the top five places in the U.S. singles chart were held by
Beatles songs, a feat no other artist has matched.
* Today's top five only sound
like they're all by the same artist.
(Also the anniversary of Martin
Luther King's death in 1968)
BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Too Many Candles, Not Enough Blow -
Spears (16), Natasha Lyonne (28), Heath Ledger (28), David
Blaine (34), Nancy McKeon (41), Christine Lahti (57), Craig T. Nelson
(63), Kitty Kelley (65), Hugh Masekela (68), Michael Parks (69), Clive
Davis (75), Maya Angelou (79) and Robert Downey Jr. (42).
* Wow! That's like a gerbil living 42 years! What are the odds?!
The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Monday - March 26, 2007
SCIENTISTS CREATE SHEEP-HUMAN HYBRID Bah! - Scientists at the
University of Nevada have developed the first human-sheep chimera: a
sheep with half-human internal organs. After seven years of injecting
human cells into sheep fetuses, they have created a sheep that has 15
percent human cells. They hope to use its organs for medical research
or even transplantation to humans. It's sure to revive complaints about
scientists playing God, but Prof. Esmail Zaniani said that at the early
stage at which the cells are injected, there's no "fusion," meaning the
sheep has no characteristics of a human.
* Except one: it votes a straight-party ticket.
* Although it does look an awful lot like Chris Sligh.
* Funny, if you're a sheep with the guts of a human, you're
nothing...But if you're a human with the guts of a sheep, you can run
* One teensy problem: if you eat sheep's liver, you're now a cannibal.
CITY TO GO DARK FOR AN HOUR
Watch TV By Candlelight - Next
Saturday, Sydney, Australia, will be plunged into darkness for an hour
as all the lights are turned off to raise awareness of global warming.
The environmentalist groups who organized it hope it will be the first
of many cities worldwide turning off all the lights. They call it
* Or as everyone else will call it, "Muggin' Time."
* It's part of a worldwide campaign that they like to call "Back to the
* So how does it help the Earth to have a bunch of energy-consuming
babies born nine months from now?
HARLEQUIN SEEKS "REAL MEN" FOR COVER MODELS
From Fabio To Flabbio - Reuters
reports that Harlequin Romances are trying to freshen up their novels
by featuring a new kind of cover model: real men. Research found that
the average reader, a 42-year-old female, doesn't like it when the book
describes a brawny, macho hero, and the cover features a young, skinny,
pretty-boy male model type. So at a recent casting call in Toronto, 200
guys answered an ad for older, bigger models. A Harlequin spokeswoman
said they were seeking an "iconic look that women go for -- sexy,
sensitive, beautiful and fit. We want real men...exactly what you think
in your mind when you're fantasizing or imagining that ideal man."
* And not his teenage son.
* You know, the Jim Belushi type.
* It's for a new line of romance novels called the "Chunka-Chunka
Burnin' Love" series.
* Nobody can figure out how it happened, but the winner of the casting
call was Sanjaya Malakar.
* Of course, the female cover models will still be 22 and willowy.
BEAR TRAPS FOR YOUR VAGINA (CAREFUL!
NOTE SUBJECT!) And SO Comfortable! - Two years
after South African inventor Sonnet Ehlers invented an anti-rape device
that she calls Rapex, she finally won a patent and is about to start
marketing it. It's like a female condom, except with a row of tiny,
sharp teeth that attach to the penis. Critics say it could be misused
by vengeful women, but Ehlers claims it is just meant to drive away
would-be rapists and identify them, since they have to go to a doctor
to have it removed. The device will start being mass-produced in China
* And you thought Chinese finger traps were bad!
* This will also be popular with women who are dating masochists.
* If a man comes to a doctor with a row of tiny teeth in his penis, the
doctor will know that he's either a rapist or he's dating a piranha.
BATMAN BUSTED World's Coolest Mugshot - Thursday
on Hollywood Boulevard, Batman was arrested. A street performer who
dresses as Batman for tourist photos used a portable toilet rented by
striking union workers. They protested, an argument ensued, and Batman
reportedly got aggressive, removed his cape and started daring them to
fight. The Jimmy Kimmel Show, which films next door, got video of the
cops handcuffing Batman, putting him in the back of a patrol car, and
taking him away.
* To find out what happened to him, tune in tomorrow! Same Bat-time,
* Of course, that wasn't the real Batman, kids...That was Bizarro
* You know someone on Hollywood Boulevard is ready for a serious brawl
when he takes off his cape.
* The strikers were upset because he got bat guano all over their
DESERT FULL OF FOOD DISCOVERED
Call Rosie O'Donnell For Clean-Up!
- Photographer Troy Paiva was capturing iimages in the Mojave Desert
when he stumbled upon nearly an acre of food left to rot. He said there
were "pallets and pallets and pallets" of food, including cases of
yogurt and Reddi-Whip, all filled with bugs and smelling like dead
animals. It was traced back to the Orange County Food Bank, which
explained that when they get big corporate donations that would go bad
before they can be eaten, they are sent to a pig farm for feed, and the
farmer apparently dumped the surplus in the desert without permission.
But he couldn't explain why there were also cases of toothpaste left
* Because the pigs refused to brush their teeth...They're PIGS!
* The pigs wouldn't eat the yogurt, and neither would the homeless
* You can't get rid of Reddi-Whip by dumping it in the Mojave Desert.
It has a shelf life of 250,000 years.
* The cases of rotting yogurt were sitting on cases of moldy Ritz
crackers, disproving the theory that everything's better when it sits
on a Ritz.
MAN SEEKS FEMALE TOMBMATE Deal Involves Suicide Pact - The
Jinling Evening Post reports that a 45-year-old bachelor named Mr. Li
from Nanjing City, China, is advertising on the Internet for a female
tombmate. He said he was talking with friends in a bar about life and
death, and they talked about how sad it is to be alone, even after
death, so he got the idea for the ad for someone to share his tomb when
he dies. He describes himself as single but sociable. He told a
reporter, "I don't want a relationship with her. I just want to find
someone to share the lonely tomb."
* If he just wants a cold, stiff woman lying next to him, he needs to
get a wife.
* He describes himself as sociable...at least right now.
* You know you're a confirmed bachelor when you can't stand to live
with a woman unless you're both dead.
PUB BANS MAN FOR FARTING PROUDLY
(CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!) Cutting The Cheese - The
London Sun reports that Stewart Laidlaw of Fife, England, has been
banned from his favorite pub, Thirsty Kirsy's, over his proud farting.
The owner said, "The smell is disgusting, and when he drops one, he'll
shout and wave his arms so everyone can smell it." Laidlaw is said to
be "very angry" at being banned, but other customers said they'd had
enough of him "basking in the glory of his smells."
* Hey, is it his fault the
pub serves boiled eggs and pigs' knuckles?
* He's just trying to be all that he can be, and this is all that he
* His wife is now begging the
bar to take him back.
* He just loved having a bar where everybody knows his name.
The Anti-Glare Thing Alone Cost $20!
- The British luxury goods maker LLuvaglio has created the first
laptop computer that costs $1 million (US). Details have yet to be
released, but the CEO said they didn't just want to offer a normal
laptop encrusted with diamonds, so they created unique features, such
as a Blue-Ray drive and a special anti-reflective glare coating for the
screen. He said there are diamonds on it, but they are functional, such
as a very rare colored diamond that doubles as both the power button
and a security ID to prove the laptop is yours.
* People can tell it's yours from the fact that you're also wearing a
diamond-studded pocket protector.
* For a million bucks, that laptop had better give me lap dances.
* It also comes with special software to help you keep track of your
PURSES MADE FROM BRAS The Purses Even A Man Will Hold - WSPA-TV
Spartanburg, South Carolina, designer Jenifer Steller's
daughters were always bringing her leftover beading and fringe to
recycle, and it gave her the idea for her new "Bravura" purse line:
purses made from recycled bra cups. Steller said they are lacy and
elegant enough to carry to weddings or proms, and they're "kind of
exciting for women because they are carrying around their little
* Their little Victoria's Secret...
* News flash: most girls who go to proms end up carrying their bras in
* It inspired Dolly Parton to turn her old bras into a set of matching
SINGER WARNED ON PLASTIC SURGERY I Just Couldn't Take Any More - The
London Daily Mail claims that Tom Jones was warned by a Beverly Hills
plastic surgeon that after years of eyelifts, chin tucks and other
work, if he has any more done, his face might collapse. Jones explained
that the doctor told him, "'You've got to be careful with your eyes.'
He advised me against having anything else done. He said I should try
to look as natural as I can."
* The only way he can still do that is to stand next to Michael
* His eyes tend to dry out because he can no longer blink.
* The doctor suggested that when women throw panties at him, he should
wear them over his head.
WEEKEND NEWS NOTES!
* (CAREFUL!) At a showing of "Apocalypto" at California State
University Northridge, a professor of Mayan studies began complaining
to Mel Gibson about alleged racism and inaccuracies, and Gibson
replied, "F--- you, lady, make your own movie" as she was escorted out...Probably one of those troublemaking
Jewish Mayans...She can't make her own movie! Who'd be dumb enough to
bankroll a movie about ancient Mayans?!
* Victor "Macho Man" Willis, the former cop from the Village People,
was arrested again in San Diego after his girlfriend complained that
he'd choked and threatened her...He'd
threatened to sing "YMCA" for the 10,000th time...The most shocking
part of the story: one of the Village People has a GIRLFRIEND!
* In a move that debt counselors hailed as a symbol of the problems
with mortgage lending, a 102-year-old man in East Sussex, England, was
granted a 25-year, $380,000 mortgage loan that won't be paid off until
he's 127...So what? I also have a
$380,000 mortgage that won't be paid off until I'm 127...At least he
had collateral: a $380,000 life insurance policy.
* A study of nursing staff workers in the UK found that married people
suffered much less workplace stress than singles because they were able
to go home and talk to their spouses about their job problems...But they do eventually suffer stress from
the divorce...All the single hospital workers are under tremendous
stress from having sex with each other, or so I learned from "Grey's
* At an auction in North Carolina, a rare 1823 "official" copy of the
Declaration of Independence sold for $477,650. The seller was Nashville
music technician Michael Sparks, who had bought it in a thrift store
for $2.48...He talked them down from
$2.99...That's the document that declared war with England over high
taxes. And half the proceeds of the sale will go to pay the taxes.
* Postal worker Kenneth Fox of Pinellas County, Florida, says his
arthritis requires him to keep moving, so he's suing the US Postal
Service under the Americans with Disabilities Act for making him take
lunch breaks...He won't rest until
this is over!...He's a postal worker who's ticked off, in pain, and not
able to take a break. Well, there's a recipe for disaster!
* Saturday, Tara Conner turned over her crown to new Miss USA Rachel
Smith of Tennessee, who will go on to the Miss Universe pageant...Meanwhile, Tara will go on to the World
Chugalug Championships in Milwaukee...Smith won all the competitions,
including Swimsuit, Evening Gown and Breathalyzer...As always, the
first runner-up will assume the crown in the event that the winner is
unable to fulfill her duties due to a wicked hangover.
* Sunday night on NBC's "Grease: You're the One That I Want," TV
viewers nationwide voted Max Crumm and Laura Osnes to play the lead
roles of Danny and Sandy in a $10 million Broadway revival of
"Grease"...Which will close in a week
because nobody ever heard of the stars...The investors replied,
"Really? Those are the ones they want?!"...Voters determined them to be
the two greasiest performers in America...Max Crumm barely edged out
GOOD NEWS! Mystery
Science Theatre returns, sort of: http://www.mania.com/54091.html
DEAD POETS SOCIETY - (Almanac)
The Road Most Traveled By - On
this day in 1875, poet Robert Frost died, and on the same day in 1892,
poet Walt Whitman died.
* Rod McKuen will be spending the day in bed with the covers pulled up.
BEETHOVEN DIES - (Almanac)
Dum-Dum-Dum-Duuuuuuum Joke - On
this day in 1827, composer Ludwig van Beethoven died.
* And ever since, he's been decomposing.
BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Highly Illogical - Keira Knightley
(22), Juvenile (32), T.R. Knight (34), Kenny Chesney (39), Michael
Imperioli (41), Jennifer Grey (47), Leeza Gibbons (50), Ronnie McDowell
(57), Martin Short (57), Teddy Pendergrass (57), Vicki Lawrence (58),
Steven Tyler (59), Johnny Crawford (61), Diana Ross (63), Bob Woodward
(64), Erica Jong (65), James Caan (67), Nancy Pelosi (67), Alan Arkin
(73), Sandra Day O'Connor (77), Pierre Boulez (82), and Leonard Nimoy
(76). Coincidently, on this day in 1859, French astronomer Urbain Jean
Joseph Leverrier thought he sighted a new planet inside Mercury's orbit
and named it Vulcan.
* And being French, he immediately surrendered to it.
* Nimoy also tried singing on several albums, and proved that his
Vulcan ears weren't the only thing about him that was ridiculously
The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Thursday - February 8, 2007
CRAZY ASTRONAUT UPDATE! The public seems
fascinated that astronaut Lisa Nowak wore diapers to avoid stopping on
her long drive to intercept a love rival. So NASA reminded people that
all astronauts wear diapers, since they can't use the bathroom during
launches or long spacewalks...So when
they call space "where no man has gone before," that's not exactly
true...Most of the original NASA astronauts wear them all the
time...And of course, they all wear them during reentry, for obvious
DUMB COMPUTER QUESTIONS
They Need Monitoring - British
Telecom revealed some of the dumbest consumer IT calls they've handled.
When a caller was told to click on "My Computer," he said, "I don't
have your computer, just mine." One caller was told to "press any key"
and couldn't find the "any key." A woman said, "I met a man on the
Internet; can you give me his phone number?" One wanted to know how to
change the monitor from the word processing channel back to the
Internet channel. One asked if spyware let people see him getting
undressed through the monitor. Someone said he couldn't see his family
in Australia and when asked what kind of webcam he had, replied,
"What's a webcam?" And a man complained that his mouse pad wasn't wired
up. When told mouse pads don't have wires, he asked, "Well, how does it
know where my mouse is? Is it wireless?"
* No! It's satellite technology.
* If you don't have an "any key," just press every key.
* If they ever develop spyware that lets everyone see you getting
undressed, Paris Hilton will buy it.
* There were also complaints that the cursor kept turning into a little
hand that was giving them the finger.
* Their most frequently-asked question: "Do Apples have to be
BED-IN AGAINST IRAQ WAR
Very Slow News Day In Mobile -
Ernie and Lynn Seewer of Mobile, Alabama, are protesting the war in
Iraq with a "bed-in." They said that when letters and e-mails didn't
end the war, they took inspiration from John Lennon and Yoko Ono. They
still go to work and go about their daily lives, but at night, they
sleep in the living room. But it's a bigger sacrifice than it sounds:
Ernie told the local paper that moving the bed into the living room was
"rough...You take it apart, and you move the couch around and the
coffee table around. It was kind of a big project."
* But it'll be worth it when it ends the war in Iraq.
* Bush will have no choice but to recall all the troops when he hears
they moved the coffee table.
* Something tells me this is the biggest project of his entire life.
* Even if it doesn't end the war, it will be worth it, since the
bedroom smells like cat pee.
VIDEO GAMES GOOD FOR YOUR EYES
You Can Dodge Bullets! - Parents
have told kids for years that playing too many video games will make
them go blind, but it turns out, they're actually good for your eyes. A
University of Rochester researcher found that people who played action
video games for a few hours a day improved their vision by about 20
percent in a month. Prof. Daphne Bavelier said, "These games push the
human visual system to the limits and the brain adapts to it. That
learning carries over into other activities and possibly everyday
* For instance, you wouldn't believe how fast your trigger finger gets.
* (CAREFUL!) Playing a lot of
video games is so good for your eyes, it makes up for all the
CHRISTINA AGUILERA: MARRIAGE COUNSELOR I'll Go To Her Concert On Sunday - Oh
show, Christina Aguilera revealed her secret to
keeping her marriage alive: "Naked Sundays." She said. "We don't need
to go anywhere, we're just with each other. We do everything naked. We
cook naked." Ellen replied, "Nothing with grease; that could splatter."
Christina said, "Well, unless you want the grease."
* Didn't she already try being naked and greasy back in that "Dirrty"
* This marriage will last FOREVER.
* Know what's even better? Naked ice cream sundaes.
* That's good marital advice, but what about for churchgoers?
* Being naked all day only keeps your marriage together if you look
like Christina Aguilera.
JIM CARREY: SELF-HELP GURU
The Mask Of Calm - E! Online
reports that Jim Carrey plans to write a self-help book called "Be
Ready to be OK." He said it will just be things he thinks about and
what he believes. For instance, he thinks "most things we get upset
about in life can be avoided if we just went in ready to be okay when
things happen. 'Okay, I'm getting in the car right now, so chances are
I could hit some traffic. Be ready to be okay with that. Deal with
* Don't overreact, or make outrageous facial expressions...
* Jim Carrey is known for his pervasive sense of calm.
* Be ready to deal with things that are tragic and unpleasant, like
"Son of the Mask" or "Dumb And Dumberer."
TOWN ADOPTS ROCKY AS NEW SYMBOL
Gonna Drown Now - The residents of
Zitiste, Serbia, are sick of only making the news when their town has a
flood or other disaster. So to change their image, they want to erect a
giant statue of Rocky Balboa. A spokesman for the new Association of
Rocky Balboa said the statue is a symbol of the town's ability to get
beaten up and knocked down, but to bounce back.
* Better make it earthquake-proof.
* The statue will make a fine symbol, until a flood knocks it down and
it breaks into a million pieces.
* If they want to build a tourist attraction, how about the world's
largest punching bag?
ATTORNEYS CHARGED IN SEX SCAM Next, On "Boston Legal" - Married
lawyers Mary and Ted Roberts of San Antonio, Texas, are facing theft
charges after Mary allegedly had affairs with four men, and Ted then
threatened them if they didn't pay him damages for his emotional
distress, he'd sue and expose them to hate, contempt and ridicule. He
reportedly collected about $140,000 from the men to drop his claims and
not tell their wives. The couple are arguing that this wasn't
blackmail, and that approaching people with a legal claim and offering
to quietly settle it is something that lawyers do all the time.
* (CAREFUL!) Also, screwing
people for money is something that lawyers do all the time.
* She has sex with men, and they pay him? That's not theft, it's just
pimping; so it's normal behavior for lawyers.
* The cheating aside, they really make a great team.
* They just didn't want to be exposed to hate, contempt and ridicule if
people found out they were having sex with a lawyer.
DESIGNATED DRIVER EJECTED FOR NOT DRINKING Claire Is A Mean Drunk - Gary
Maujean of Pinellas Park, Florida, plans to sue Claire's Lounge for
discrimination after he was allegedly thrown out by a bouncer and
needed 12 stitches in his head. He says it's because he was drinking
soda instead of ordering booze, due to him being his group's designated
driver. The bar owner denied that, claiming he didn't order anything at
* So they had no choice but to bash his skull against a door.
* The bar didn't know how to deal with a designated driver; they've
never had one before.
* The irony is that after getting those 12 stitches, he really could've
used a drink.
SNICKERS KISS AD YANKED Men Are From Mars, Gays Are From Penis -
has decided to pull the ad that debuted during the Super
Bowl, in which two auto mechanics eating a Snickers bar accidentally
kiss, then pull out their chest hair to prove they're manly. They got a
number of complaints that it was homophobic.
* Also, that it associated Snickers bars with sweaty, matted chest
* Besides, only metrosexuals rip out their chest hair while denying
* The stockholders were yelling, "Yank it! Yank it!," which their ad
agency thought was kinda gay.
* To prove they're gay-friendly, they're working on a really explicit
commercial for Butterfinger.
BOWL BET SPARKS NAME CHANGE Be Glad Raheem Brock Wasn't QB -
Chicago Bears fan Scott Wiese of Decatur, Illinois, lost a Super Bowl
bet he made in writing at a local piano bar, so he has now begun the
legal process of changing his name to that of Colts quarterback, Peyton
Manning. He said his sacrifice reveals the true passion of Bears fans.
* Piano bars?
* But Bears fans didn't hear him because they refuse to listen to
KISS LIKE A STAR That's What He Does - William
Kane, author of "Kiss Like A Star," says that new variations on kissing
are being invented all the time, and people can learn them from
Hollywood. His book shows close-ups of 60 movie kisses with
instructions on performing them, from the sweep-her-off-her-feet kiss
in "Gone With The Wind" to Johnny Depp's French kiss in "Cry-Baby." The
more unusual kisses include the "ice cream kiss" from "The Notebook,"
in which Rachel McAdams shoved a cone into Ryan Gosling's face and
licked it off, and the "vacuum kiss" from "Coneheads." Kane said if
readers have no one to practice with, they can make a "mouth" with
their left hand, stick their right thumb through it as a tongue, and
practice French kissing on their hand.
* He learned that from a big Hollywood star: Pee Wee Herman.
* Keep in mind that whenever you shake a geek's hand, he's probably
just been doing that.
* (CAREFUL!) And once they
get their hand turned on enough, who knows where it will lead...
* Most guys learned how to French kiss by watching a big Hollywood
* I like the "Nobody's Buyin' This" Kiss, made famous by Tom Cruise and
WORST LOVE SCENES EVER (CAREFUL! NOTE
SUBJECT!) Who Says Sharon Stone Isn't A Great
Actress? - For Valentine's Day, Maxim magazine compiled a list
of the worst movie and TV love scenes ever. They include Joe Pesci and
Sharon Stone in "Casino," Jack Nicholson kissing a sexy ghost who turns
into a rotting corpse in "The Shining," and J-Lo's "gobble-gobble"
scene with Ben Affleck in "Gigli." At #2 was "Crash," in which car
crash fetishist James Spader has sex with Rosanna Arquette's leg wound.
But beating them all was Rosie O'Donnell yakking constantly while
Julian McMahon grinds away on her on "Nip/Tuck."
* Filming that scene turned her gay...Julian, too.
* You almost wish it had been an oral sex scene, just so she'd finally
have to shut up.
* That was so bad, Julian was actually fantasizing that she'd turned
into a rotting corpse.
* If you don't have a date for Valentine's Day, just watch these movies
and be put off sex forever.
WEB CLIPS! http://www.maximonline.com/slideshows/videos/worstlovescenes.aspx?film=1
KEITH URBAN SUES KEITH URBAN Urban Legend - Keith Urban is suing
the owner of www.keithurban.com, a New Jersey painter named Keith
Urban. The singer accused the artist of cybersquatting and using his
name to try to confuse people into thinking he's the singer. One
problem with that claim: the painter registered the site in 1999, a
year before Urban's debut album came out. Also, his real name is Keith
Urban, while the singer's real name is Keith Urbahn, and he changed it
* He was trying to confuse people into thinking he was the painter from
* There's no other conclusion: the artist is a psychic cybersquatter!
* Well, who wouldn't want people to think you're a country singer fresh
out of rehab?
* This could possibly mean that Nicole Kidman married the wrong
man!...Hey, it's happened before.
* A Texas man who
owns the window from which Lee Harvey Oswald shot President Kennedy is
offering it on eBay at a starting bid of $100,000...Install it in the front of your house and
keep obnoxious neighbors far away...It's great for hunters: you can
make IMPOSSIBLE shots from that window.
* Galtee Merci, the most prolific bull in Ireland, has died after
fathering at least 100,000 offspring. Over 10 percent of the nation's
milk cow population is related to him...That's gonna be a big funeral...And to
think, he never actually had sex...He's to Irish cows what Mick Jagger
is to Brazilian models.
FIRST RADIO IN THE WHITE HOUSE - (Almanac)
He Wanted To Hear Paul Harvey - On
this day in 1922, President Warren G. Harding had the first radio
installed in the White House.
* He immediately had it removed after he discovered the DJs were all
telling jokes about his sex life.
BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Spot The Virgin - Seth Green (33),
Vince Neil (46), John Grisham (52), Mary Steenburgen (54), Brooke Adams
(58), Dan Seals (59), Robert Klein (65), Nick Nolte (66), Ted Koppel
(67), Jack Larson (74), John Williams (75) and Gary Coleman is 39. Gary
is a sci-fi nut who considers "Star Trek" creator Gene Roddenberry to
be a god, and he once said he remained a virgin because he was afraid
women only wanted his money.
* That's crazy!...Gary Coleman doesn't have any money!
* Of course, it couldn't be because he's a very short Trekkie.
The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Tuesday - November 28, 2006
PRESIDENTIAL "WARMTH" POLL
Bill Clinton Was Downright Hot -
Quinnipiac University released its latest likability poll of all
potential 2008 presidential candidates. Respondents were asked to rank
how warmly they feel toward candidates from zero to 100 degrees on a
"feelings thermometer." Rudy Giuliani was #1 with 64.2 degrees,
followed by Barak Obama, John McCain and Condoleezza Rice. And in what
a poll spokesman called "bad, bad news" for John Kerry, 95 percent of
respondents said they know enough about him, and it's enough not to
like him. Kerry finished dead last in likability with a temperature of
* Which, coincidentally, is his body temperature.
* If his candidacy assumed room temperature, it would actually be an
* You know you're in trouble when you're up against Hillary Clinton,
and people think you're the cold one.
* Of course, we won't know which candidates will survive until the
media finishes giving them the ol' rectal thermometer.
"ALL MY TRANNIES" (CAREFUL! NOTE
Joey Tribbiani Played A Woman Trapped In A
Man's Body - The ABC soap opera "All My Children" is
introducing its first transgender character, a male rock star named
Zarf (actor Jeffrey Carlson) who is changing into a woman. His
attraction to a lesbian helps him realize he's a woman trapped in a
man's body. The producers are working with GLAAD and say they want to
produce groundbreaking TV, but the editor of "Soap Opera Weekly" noted
the show's ratings have slid nearly 60 percent since 1991, "and they're
throwing a whole lot of desperate stuff against the wall to see what
* (CAREFUL!!) Now, they've
got an actor throwing his penis against the wall to see if it comes
* Like last season, when Erika Kane got a sex change, then married and
* Oh come on! All men
are attracted to soap opera lesbians because all lesbians on soap
operas are incredibly hot!
* Most of the guys on soap operas are so pretty, I think they already
turned into women.
* Most male characters on soap operas just want one part of themselves
to be inside a woman's body.
WOMEN TALK, MEN DON'T LISTEN
From "Stop The Presses" Press - In
a new book, "The Female Mind," psychiatrist Dr. Luan Brizendine
confirms what many suspected: women talk a lot more than men. The
average woman says 20,000 words a day, compared to 7,000 for a man.
Women also speak more quickly; far more of their brain cells are
devoted to talking; and when they talk, it unleashes a flood of brain
chemicals that give women a rush similar to the high heroin addicts
feel. But in males, Dr. Brizendine says testosterone shrinks the parts
of the brain responsible for talking and hearing, allowing men to be
conveniently "deaf" to what women are saying; but they make up for it
with the part of the brain responsible for sexual thoughts, which is
twice as big in men as in women.
* That's why men don't talk: if they said what they were thinking,
they'd get slapped all the time.
* This allows the man to finish having sex without getting distracted
by all the blabbing from the woman.
* Women say 20,000 words a day, but men only hear the seven dirty ones.
* She's also writing "The Male Mind," but it's really more of a
* The new transsexual character on "All My Children" will talk to
himself but he won't listen.
"PREGNANT MAN" FINED FOR FORGERY
Family Leave Of Your Senses - A
court in Vereeniging, South Africa, fined Charles Sibindana 1,000 rand
($180 US) for forgery after he stole a medical certificate from his
girlfriend's doctor, filled in his name and used it as proof that he
was sick and needed to take a week off work. His scam was discovered
because he apparently didn't notice that the doctor was a gynecologist
at his pregnant girlfriend's prenatal clinic, and the forged
certificate said he needed time off work because he was pregnant.
* He looked pregnant,
but that was just the beer belly.
* His girlfriend really hopes that I.Q. isn't genetic.
* Every time this guy gets a week off work, somebody ends up pregnant.
* He should've claimed he had a hysterical pregnancy, because it was
"12 DAYS" CHRISTMAS GIFTS COST MORE THAN EVER
Ted Kennedy Will Help Those Milk Maids! -
Management, which every year calculates the cost of all the
gifts mentioned in "The 12 Days of Christmas," reports that the 2006
price rose 3.1 percent to a record $18,920, or $30,330 if you bought
all the items off the Internet. If you bought the gifts for all of the
12 days mentioned, it would total $75,122. The cheapest is the
partridge, holding steady at $15, but a boom in landscaping boosted
pear tree prices by 40 percent. For the first time in years, labor
costs outpaced inflation, so hiring nine dancers cost 4 percent more
than in 2005. But the eight maids a-milking remained unchanged thanks
to no rise in the minimum wage.
* But the damn
Democrats are about to raise it and RUIN
* This is only a suggestion, but maybe this year, for a change, your
true love might be happier just getting a crockpot.
* The four calling birds were a little cheaper because they got a cell
phone plan with unlimited minutes.
* If you're on a budget, consider replacing the 12 drummers drumming
with a drum machine.
* If you ever wonder who'd want a Chia Pet for Christmas, remember:
Anything beats getting 11 bagpipers.
IRELAND'S DUMBEST CROOK CAUGHT AGAIN
O'Crap! - The Irish Sun newspaper
reports that Ireland's dumbest crook had to be rescued again. The
unnamed man first tried to burgle a house and got stuck in the chimney.
In his next attempt at crime, he got stuck to the ceiling of a bank,
and police found him dangling by one leg and stuffing cash into his
underpants. Then, over this past weekend, he robbed a betting shop and
as he was fleeing, a truck hit him. The Sun claims police advised him
to "go straight before you kill yourself."
* Ireland might have to pass a "three strikes, you're out" law just to
keep this guy alive.
* His lawyer is Gloria Allred...She's suing the truck driver.
* Why do I suspect this guy only commits crimes to get money to buy
WORLD'S LONGEST ARM HAIR
His Parents Are So Proud - Jon
Sanford of Jackson, Wisconsin, is hoping to get into the Guinness Book
of Records for having the world's longest arm hair. Sanford takes good
care of his arm hair, shampooing and conditioning it regularly, and he
managed to grow one strand to 4.1 inches, which he hopes will be
accepted as breaking the record of 3.96 inches. To verify his claim, he
had to get two witnesses he didn't know and who were respected in the
community to swear that it really was his arm hair, so the fire chief
and a local police officer backed him up.
* They've both received 911 calls for Bigfoot sightings that turned out
to be Jon.
* He should've asked the Roto-Rooter men who have to clean out his
shower drain every other day.
* He would've asked a couple of ex-girlfriends, but he's never had a
* The editors have to verify that that's his arm hair and not just Andy
Rooney's eyebrow hair.
* He's so hairy, he's like a human Robin Williams!
REAL ESTATE AGENT TRIES HONESTY
Heavens, What A Smell! - The Daily
Telegraph reports that real estate agent Julian Bending of Glastonbury,
England, has a unique sales method: blunt honesty. He says people have
seen too many glowing ads for bad houses and don't trust agents
anymore, but both buyers and sellers know he won't waste their time. He
uses such descriptive terms as "grim late '70s conversion," "would suit
witch," and "suitable for a midget." One ad warned of the smell,
saying, "Dear God, it's difficult to imagine a more disgusting house,"
while another house was said to have "all the charm...of a vicar on
crack." A spokesman for the local diocese said they weren't offended,
but "we don't need crack to get high. We're reaching for the heavens
through spiritual means."
* So he obviously disapproves of honesty.
* We'll know how well this works as soon as he actually sells a house.
* Luckily, most of Bending's clients are witches and midgets.
* This is like letting Dr. House sell your house.
* If you think those are bad, you should see his ads for rental houses.
$1600 "CAMERA" IS JUST A JAR OF PASTA SAUCE
Worst Service - Jim and Melissa
Rittenberg of Ellisville, Missouri, wanted better family movies, so
they paid $1600 for a new camcorder at Best Buy. But they say when they
opened the box, instead of a camera, there was a jar of Classico
spaghetti sauce inside. When they took it back, a Best Buy manager told
them the box was sealed in the store, so it couldn't have happened
there and they'd get no replacement. Jim, a school speech pathologist,
said he's no thief and filed a police report. A Best Buy spokesman said
they've yet to decide how to resolve the problem. Meanwhile, Melissa
warned other shoppers to open boxes before leaving Best Buy to make
sure there's not pasta sauce inside.
* That would be using your noodle.
* Unless you stood in line all night to get a voucher for really cheap
* Nah, they'd still accuse you of planting it there.
* Shop there enough and all you'll be able to afford to eat is
* Best Buy will argue that it was still a quality product because it
was Classico instead of Ragu.
NOTE FROM PAT! For more horror stories about Best Buy,
visit www.bestbuysux.org. Or just ask me.
PAM & KID ROCK KAPUT
Who Had November In The Betting Pool? - Less
months after Pamela Anderson married Kid Rock repeatedly in
various locations, to demonstrate how committed the two were, she has
filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences. The New York Post
quotes an insider as saying that Kid's explosive temper was to blame,
and the last straw was when he allegedly blew up after a showing of
"Borat," screaming, "You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut! How
could you do that movie?"
* He married the star of the "Pam & Tommy" video, and he thought
"Borat" made her look like a slut?
* How could she let herself be bagged by Borat?!
* A lesson for us all: Don't marry a 35-year-old man named "Kid."
* They plan to get divorced in France, Detroit and California, to make
sure it sticks.
* They'll split everything equally...He's seeking custody of her right
* Monday, NBC News
announced that it would start referring to the violence in Iraq as a
"civil war," which the White House says it's not...Bush still insists there's nothing civil
* Monday, the Dow tumbled 158 points on reports that opening holiday
weekend sales at Wal-Mart weren't as high as expected...Maybe that just means we're all getting a
much better class of Christmas gifts this year...Only on Wall Street
would they think the big problem over the weekend was that Wal-Mart
wasn't crowded enough...On the other hand, Best Buy sold thousands of
jars of spaghetti sauce for $1600 each.
* A study by AC Neilsen found that cosmetic surgery is not only
changing how people look but how they feel about middle age, which used
to start at 40. 60 percent of Americans now believe that their sixties
are the new middle age...More proof
that Americans suck at math...So more good news: we're all going to
live to 120!...60 is the new 40, as long as you look 35.
* Chicago officials asked organizers of a German Christmas festival to
reject ads for the movie "The Nativity Story" because it might offend
festivals are just crawling with those...In that case, they might also
want to get rid of their NATIVITY SCENE!!
* Yoko Ono put out a call to make December 8, the anniversary of John
Lennon's death, into a worldwide day of healing by apologizing to
everyone who has suffered from violence and war...But you can only apologize for pain you
inflicted yourself, so she should apologize for singing.
* In the wake of the Michael Richards rant, Jesse Jackson called the
"N-word" "unprotected" as free speech and called on the entertainment
industry to bar its use in all forms...And
and Def Comedy Jam stars began defending Michael
FUNNY WEB LINK #1! Dave
gift guide, this year featuring Paris Hilton toilet
paper, the finger-shaped nose hair trimmer and the Marie Antoinette
action figure with removable head, among others. If you don't want to
register with MiamiHerald.com, go to www.bugmenot.com for a password.
FUNNY WEB LINK #2! The
of "Seinfeld," from National Lampoon:
MAGELLAN REACHES PACIFIC - (Almanac)
I Be Ma-Jellin'! - On this day in
1520, Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan, the first man to
circumnavigate the globe, reached the Pacific Ocean.
* He immediately lost all his ambition and just hung out there for 30
POLAROID CAMERA DEBUTS - (Almanac)
Paris Hilton's Favorite Holiday -
On this day in 1948, the first Polaroid camera went on sale in Boston.
* Unfortunately, all the pictures taken with it were banned in Boston.
BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
She'll Blow The Candles For $400 Million -
(44), Judd Nelson (47), Ed Harris (56), Paul Shaffer (57),
Randy Newman (63), Bruce Channel (66), Gary Hart (70), Berry Gordy Jr.
(77) and Anna Nicole Smith is 39.
* Just two more years to go, and her age will match her I.Q.
The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Thursday - September 28, 2006
T.O. NOT D.O.A.
Sorry, Philly Fans – Last night,
the sports media in Dallas went crazy when police reported that Cowboys
football star Terrell Owens had attempted suicide. But Owens held a
press conference and claimed it was all a misunderstanding: he'd taken
a couple of pain killers for a broken finger; they reacted with his
nutritional supplement pills to make him incoherent; and his PR agent
saw an empty pill bottle, thought he'd attempted suicide and dialed
911. He insisted he was not depressed. Some reporters still refused to
* That made him very, very depressed.
* Reporters refuse to believe that a Dallas Cowboy didn't take too many
drugs on purpose.
* The real story is that he passed out from huffing new Ferrari fumes.
* One thing we can all agree on: his PR agent is doing a great job!
MONA LISA WAS A MOMMA
Same Enigmatic Smile As The Mona Lisa
Bonet - A team of Canadian and French scientists used high-tech
infrared tools to do the most in-depth study ever of the Mona Lisa, and
they think the secret of her enigmatic smile is that she had just given
birth. She's wearing a black filmy veil worn by new mothers at the time
that was obscured for centuries by a layer of varnish, and records
revealed she'd had a baby boy just before Leonardo DaVinci began
painting her in the early 1500s.
* She was smiling because she was able to drop the baby weight before
she had her picture made.
* So her inscrutable expression is due to the fact that she was
* Her secret was that the real father of her baby was her lover, Kevino
* The infrared cameras can look so deep into the painting, they could
tell she had a C-section.
ANGRIEST CITIES IN AMERICA
The Crappiest Place On Earth -
Men's Health Magazine ranked the 100 angriest cities in America, based
on assault records, traffic congestion, men's blood pressure readings
and more. Surprisingly, New York ranked a mellow #57, but music doesn't
seem to soothe anyone: Memphis ranked #8, and Nashville was #5. Four of
the top 10 angriest cities were in sunny Florida: Jacksonville (#9),
Miami (#7), St. Petersburg (#2), and home of the "happiest place on
Earth," Orlando, #1. Experts said maybe the ranking was skewed by all
the old people in Orlando with high blood pressure, or maybe residents
don't like having to deal with so many tourists.
* (CAREFUL!) Or maybe they're
just really pissed about being old!
* Or maybe they've heard "It's A Small World" so many times, they're
ready to explode.
* Orlando's city council is furious about being ranked as the angriest
* In Orlando, all seven dwarfs are Grumpy.
* People in Memphis and Nashville will feel much happier once Elvis
ARMY INVESTIGATES SOLDIER PORN Majorly Out Of Uniform - The
US Army is investigating allegations that some women in the 410th
Quartermaster Unit of the Kentucky National Guard posed nude with their
M-16s and other military equipment. The Louisville Courier-Journal
received a CD with 232 photos of about a half-dozen nude and semi-nude
women posing with rifles, kissing each other and covering their breasts
with American flag decals. If they are soldiers, a Guard spokesman said
they could be court-martialed, adding, "This is not the kind of
activity condoned by the command leadership of the Kentucky National
* Unless the ones kissing each other are cousins.
* After all, it's not the California National Guard.
* To be fair, their breasts are standing at attention.
* I think they should be commended for finding a way to make every man
rise for the flag.
* On the plus side, there's nothing left to ask or tell.
COPS SPEND $6,000 ON LAP DANCES...FOR
Dancing In The Dark - An
audit of county records in Tampa, Florida, found that undercover cops
investigating nudity and liquor violations in a bikini bar spent over
$6,000 in taxpayer money on drinks, tips and 92 lap dances. The sheriff
said sometimes, that's what it takes to get rid of problems, and the
vice squad asked for the club's alcohol permit to be revoked. The
detectives also brought nudity charges against 15 dancers, but were
unable to identify 34 others.
* Well, they were drunk.
* They were too close to see their faces.
* The cops don't recognize them with their clothes on...But I bet they
could pick them out of a topless lineup.
* That's why they love being cops: the pay stinks, but the fringe
benefits are great.
DOG STARTS CAR
Rename Him "Chip" - Juliette
Piesley of Surrey, England, started her car with her dog. She had
changed the battery in her electronic key, then couldn't get her car to
start. An auto breakdown patrolman came to help, realized the
immobilizer broadcasting chip was missing from the key, and figured out
that her dog George must've eaten it. He placed the dog in the front
seat, and the ignition started right up. He said Piesley will just have
to take the dog in the car everywhere she goes until nature takes its
* (CAREFUL!) This gives new
meaning to the term, "piece-of-crap car."
* She should've suspected this, since it's happened to her cell phone
* When she drives, the dog hangs his head out the window, and all the
garage doors open as they pass.
WEIRD CRIMINAL ROUND-UP
Busted In 30 Minutes Or Less! -
that Alex Sawyer and Andrew Wilkins of
Stallings, North Carolina, were charged with breaking into a Domino's
Pizza at 5:30 a.m. after officer Mike Kane noticed them inside. Wilkins
previously worked there and had been fired. He denied stealing
anything, but claimed they had just broken in to bake a batch of
Domino's new brownies with the "warm, chocolatey center." A batch of
brownies valued at $5 was recovered. Miss Sawyer was also charged with
possessing a marijuana pipe. * Suddenly, the urgent need for brownies
* Good thing the cop was outside Domino's at 5:30 a.m., waiting for
them to open.
* Police confiscated the brownies, and the two were soon released for
lack of evidence.
They Didn't Even Kiss Us Goodbye! - In
police are searching for three masked men who entered
the Starship Enterprise adult novelty store and robbed it at gunpoint.
They subdued the staffers by cuffing them with handcuffs sold at the
store for sex games.
* Who knew mink fur could be so restraining?
* They were lucky, when you consider some of the other merchandise that
could've been used on them.
* As the robbers fled, the clerks called out, "Wait, don't you want us
NO GO-GO GIRLS FOR MILITARY COUP
Tanks For The Mammaries - The
leaders of Thailand's bloodless military coup have banned go-go dancers
from performing for troops in the streets. Monday, a radio station paid
a group of scantily-clad women to dance for soldiers in tanks near the
Royal Plaza. Coup leaders say the soldiers were ordered to keep
smiling, but they have now banned all dancing near tanks, saying, "We
have to maintain the seriousness of the coup."
* So don't call them go-go girls; call them coup-coup girls.
* To maintain seriousness, it will be the first military coup with a
* But scantily-clad dancing girls are the whole reason they signed up
for the coup!
* Question: did they really have
to order the soldiers to smile?
PRISON FOR POT CANDY AND SODAS
Gives You a Potty Mouth -
Kenneth Affolter of Oakland, California, agreed to plead guilty and
take a 70-month jail term for manufacturing a variety of parody candies
and soft drinks made with marijuana. He admitted to have 11 employees
working in two facilities to turn out such products as "Munchy Way,"
"Pot Tarts," "Toka-Cola" and "Puffsi." The DEA agent in charge said,
"While real candy may give you cavities, these individuals know that
marijuana candy can get you jail time."
* Especially if it has trans fats!
* And once you're in jail, they'll search all your cavities.
* Under California law, he was selling a product that contained a
banned substance: refined sugar.
FEMBOT FOR SALE(CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
Barrel-Chested Babe - Someone
on eBay was selling a unique prop from "Austin Powers 2": the actual
Fembot version of Liz Hurley. It's a very realistic silicone and
fiberglass model, with a removable face that reveals a metal face
underneath. Unfortunately, there are only holes where her nipples
should be because in the movie, gun barrels popped out there, and they
weren't included. The seller claimed it would be a simple task to mount
fake ones. Bidding topped $3,000 before eBay yanked the item.
* Too bad, 'cause this would be a great buy for any man who likes to
mount fake ones.
* Maybe the buyer just decided he couldn't bear to part with it.
* It's sexy, mindless and 90 percent silicone, so it would be just like
owning your own Hollywood actress.
LINK! You can still see it
BEST AND WORST-LOOKING CELEBS ON HDTV
Ben Affleck IS Superman! -
TVPredictions.com has issued its latest annual list of celebrities who
look best and worst on high-definition TV. The best include Ben
Affleck, Christina Aguilera, Eva Longoria, Charlize Theron, Beyonce and
at #1, Scarlett Johannson, who is described as looking so good in
hi-def at the Golden Globes, she almost persuaded gay designer Isaac
Mizrahi to change more than his clothes.
* (CAREFUL!) And a lot of
male viewers who weren't gay had to change their shorts.
* Operative word: "almost."
* You've really gotta see those Golden Globes in high-definition.
* Never mind HDTV; I want to see Scarlett in 3-D TV.
Faces Made For Radio - The 10
worst-looking celebs in hi-def (counting down from #10) were Ray
Liotta, Mick Jagger, Madonna, Meredith Viera, Burt Reynolds, Barbara
Walters, Britney Spears, Teri Hatcher, Howard Stern, and at #1, Rosie
O'Donnell. They said that in hi-def, Rosie's face is so rough, she
looks like she scrubs it with a Brillo pad.
* Well, that IS her beauty regimen.
* (CAREFUL!) I don't even
want to think about why Rosie's face looks like she's been rubbing it
on a Brillo pad.
* Howard Stern just looks like a Brillo pad.
UPDATE! Virginia political
analyst Larry Sabato, who said on TV that Sen. George Allen used the
n-word in college 34 years ago, admitted he hadn't actually heard Allen
say it, but people he knew in the '70s told him they heard it...Or heard "about" it. Same thing,
really...I can't even remember what I said in the 1970s...This is
starting to sound more like the "b.s.-word"...These people will remain
nameless, since he can't actually remember their names.
* A Yale study found that too much testosterone can kill brain cells,
which might explain why steroids cause aggressive behavior...Actually, it explains a whole lot of
* Someone is shopping around a sex tape allegedly showing Dustin
"Screech" Diamond of "Saved by the Bell" performing gross and
disgusting sex acts with two women...But
sex act with Screech would be gross and disgusting...See,
sometimes, censorship can be your friend.
* In a Forbes list, Tom Hanks
was named the Most Trustworthy Celebrity, followed by Rachael Ray,
Michael J. Fox, Oprah Winfrey and James Earl Jones...And that was pretty much it...(CAREFUL!)
Also Paris Hilton, whom you can always trust to be a self-centered
UPDATE! When all the sales
were tallied, Justin Timberlake's new CD managed to just barely beat
Clay Aiken's and stay in the #1 chart position...But that's okay; Clay would prefer Justin
MUST-SEE VIDEO! Best campaign
ad so far: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ugpb7qchIU&eurl=
BEATLES DEBUT IN AMERICA - (Almanac)
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah! - On this
day in 1963, New York DJ Murray The K received a copy of "She Loves
You" and played it, marking the first time American radio listeners
heard a Beatles song.
* Or any song by anyone who didn't have a crew cut.
FLOGGING ABOLISHED - (Almanac)
But It Was Kept As A Form Of
Recreation - On this day in 1850, flogging was abolished as a
form of punishment in the U.S. Navy.
* The men were starting to like it too much.
BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Mira, Mira, On The Wall... -
Hilary Duff (19), Naomi Watts (38), Moon Zappa (39), Sylvia Kristel
(54), John Sayles (56), Jeffrey Jones (60), Ben E. King (68), Brigitte
Bardot (72), Koko Taylor (78), Arnold Stang (81), William Windom (83).
Also sharing a birthday: Carre Otis (38), Mira Sorvino (39), and
Janeane Garofalo (42).
The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Friday - September 1, 2006
TRUMP CLEANS HOUSE
"Nepotism 1.01" - Donald Trump has
said, "You're fired," to his "Apprentice" sidekick Carolyn Kepcher. The
New York Post claims that Trump thought she was acting like a movie
star and focusing more on book deals and endorsements than on running
his golf course. The ax reportedly fell after Trump tried to call her
and she was out giving a speech, and she didn't know the prices of
items in the club's golf shop. She's being replaced on the TV show by
Trump's daughter, Ivanka. Ironically, Kepcher's business book, "Carolyn
1.01," included tips on how to handle a difficult boss.
* Tip #1: Be born into his family.
* If there's one thing Donald Trump can't stand, it's a
* Ivanka doesn't act like a movie star...She's a humble, level-headed
* Ivanka is qualified to critique the female contestants since their
business skills mostly consist of wearing miniskirts.
It's Just Not Working Out, George...
- The paper said Trump appreciated that hhis other sidekick, 78-year-old
real estate lawyer George Ross, never let TV fame go to his head.
Nevertheless, he's also being replaced by Trump's son, Donald Jr.
* He has lots of real estate experience: he's built both a fort and a
tree house...They were very exclusive properties, too: "No Gurlz
* Well, I guess we know what his baby son Baron's first after-school
job will be.
* Donald decided the ratings were down because the show just wasn't
No, That's Not A New Item At Taco Bell - Civil
be brewing in Mexico: Manuel Lopez Obrador, the leftist
candidate who lost the recent presidential election and its recounts by
a tiny margin, is threatening to refuse to recognize the winner and to
set up his own parallel government and have his supporters send their
taxes to it. Rosanio Ibarra, a human rights activist who often appears
with Obrador, said he can restore the republic and "We just hope there
won't be any need to shoot anyone."
* With compassion like that, you can see why she became a human rights
* Although under the new fantasy government, that will be legal.
* Think of all the people who could die because they didn't count the
* Al Gore must be kicking himself for not thinking of this.
* This is terrible! If there's civil war in Mexico, it could lead to a
huge wave of Mexican refugees streaming across the US border and...oh,
wait, never mind.
MILITARY FAMILIES OFFERED "FLAT DADDIES"
Crazy Foam - The Bangor Daily News
reports that the Maine Army National Guard is helping to comfort the
families of soldiers sent to the Middle East by providing them with
life-size foam board cutout photos of their missing loved ones. They
call them "Flat Daddies."
* For the wives, they're working on "Inflatable Daddies."
* Or if they prefer, they can get the Osama bin Laden dartboard
* It looks like a man, but it never talks or expresses any emotions, so
it's amazingly lifelike.
* Why don't we let the soldiers stay home, send a few million of these
to Iraq, and scare the enemy into surrendering?
DRIVING WHILE PHONING WHILE COMPUTING
While Waxing - Police near Murg,
Switzerland, pulled over a car that was zigzagging on the highway and
found that the driver was a woman who was chatting on a handheld cell
phone and simultaneously using her laptop computer. Police said she
told them she was unaware of any wrongdoing and was just "driving like
I always do."
* And like everybody else does.
* She now realizes her mistake: she needs to get a police radio, too.
* The cops let her go because they were impressed by the way she was
steering with her tongue.
* This is why it's a wise policy for the Swiss to remain in Neutral.
IT'S LEGAL TO STEAL FOOD IF YOU'RE HUNGRY ENOUGH
Spiritual Hunger - Jim Nelson, a
homeless man in Vancouver, Canada, was charged with burglary for
breaking into a swanky condo in December and, desperate for food,
ripping open all the Christmas gifts in a hunt for chocolates. He then
gorged himself on tea, chili, cream cheese and tortillas before passing
out in a stupor. The homeowners found him the next morning, surrounded
by wrapping paper and little bags of feces and vomit. But he used a
rare "necessity" defense, claiming he had to do it because he was
crazed with hunger, having fasted for 60 days in an effort to attain
spiritual perfection. The judge called his reasoning bizarre and
half-baked, but accepted his excuse and let him go.
* Luckily, today's judges are willing to accept bizarre and half-baked
* Besides, technically, he didn't break in: he was so skinny, he slid
under the door.
* His religious views are similar to mine. I also try to achieve
spiritual perfection by eating chocolate until I pass out.
* Little bags of feces and vomit? Wow, this family gives terrible
ART TEACHER REPRIMANDED FOR SHOWING KIDS ART
They Saw David's Doodle! - 28-year
veteran art teacher Sydney McGee of Frisco, Texas, took her fifth-grade
class on a field trip to the Dallas Museum of Art, and afterward, one
parent complained about her child seeing nude art. McGee claims the
principal reprimanded her and gave her a bad performance review.
Fearing she'd be fired, she hired a lawyer and requested a transfer to
a less hostile school, but the school board rejected the request. The
board said she won't be fired, but the principal has the right to tell
her what is in the best interest of her students.
* And it's in the best interests of art students that they think
Michelangelo's David wore Dockers.
* For instance, she can say with authority that the Sistine Chapel
ceiling is PURE PORN!
* For the good of the children, we must make sure they never set foot
in a museum again.
* The painting this teacher relates to the most is "The Scream."
NO LEGAL RIGHT TO A SEX LIFE (CAREFUL!
Bad Buzz - Shanghai Daily reports
that a Chinese woman whose husband was injured in a workplace accident
sued his employer for loss of her "right to enjoy sexual life." He
worked in a shopping center, and an iron bar fell from a vent onto him
and caused him to hit his groin on the corner of some audio equipment.
She said she wasn't even 30 yet when she was deprived of sex, and she
sued for $27,650 (US) for mental anguish and her purchases of vibrators
and other products. But the court ruled against her, finding that
Chinese law doesn't recognize a protected right for an individual to
have a sex life.
* Or a life, period.
* There are over a billion Chinese, and they don't have the right to
* If they ruled that women have a legal right to actually enjoy sex,
millions of men could be sued.
* This would never happen in Japan...Their audio equipment is tiny.
HAMBURGLAR ON THE LOOSE
"Fleeing" Or "Waddling Away"? -
Police in Lake Havasu City, Arizona, are searching for the Hamburglar.
A man was caught on video breaking through the roof of a McDonald's
early Sunday morning, turning on the grill, cooking two burgers, eating
them, then fleeing. Damage to McDonald's is estimated at $150.
* Damage to his arteries: $5,000.
* What some people won't do to get a McDonald's burger cooked fresh.
PEPSI MAKES T-SHIRT TYPO
Know Any 26-Year-Old Romans? -
Pepsi paid to make thousands of T-shirts for the University of Florida
class of 2006, and only then noticed the Roman numerals on them didn't
mean "2006," they meant "26." Pepsi said they'll pay for replacements,
but they don't know what they'll do with the returns.
* Off-hand, I'm thinking "University of Alabama..."
* If they sell them to University of Florida students, there should be
* Who'd notice? The students can only count Roman numerals as high as
"Star Wars: Episode VI."
BRITNEY'S OLD SANDWICH SELLS FOR $520
The First Casino That Might Actually Go
Bankrupt - The GoldenPalace.com online casino has picked up
another priceless piece of memorabilia. A waiter who claims to have
served Britney Spears and Kevin Federline at a big music industry event
saved Britney's half-eaten chicken salad sandwich and K-Fed's
half-eaten corn dog. He took photos, vacuum sealed both items in
plastic, and put them up for sale on eBay. Golden Palace won the
bidding, paying $520 (US).
* Of course, in a Beverly Hills restaurant, that's the standard price
for a chicken salad sandwich and a corn dog.
* This has to be a fake: no food of Britney's would be "half-eaten."
* You are what you eat, and Kevin Federline eats weenies.
* Boy, music industry events must not have the budgets they used to
LINK TO PHOTOS, ETC:
PARIS HILTON'S STUPID BLATHER WAY OVERPRICED
Counteroffer: Union Scale - Young
Welsh singer Charlotte Church is getting her own TV talk show, and she
asked Paris Hilton to guest on it. But the offer was canceled when
Hilton demanded over $650,000. Church called it "pathetic" and told a
UK radio host that she only wanted Hilton on to ridicule her because
"she's such a complete airhead," but it wasn't worth the cost of a
mansion just to have her "say a few stupid things." Church said, "She's
hardly going to announce anything world-changing, is she?"
* For $650,000, she was willing to say that Charlotte's new show was
* This is going to be a GREAT show!...Now,
why they say Charlotte has the voice of an angel!
* Considering Paris' vocabulary, that's about $65,000 a word.
* Maybe Paris priced herself out of the gig on purpose so she wouldn't
have to be on with a real singer.
MTV AWARDS LOSING THEIR EDGE
And Madonna Kissed...Her Husband -
Last night, MTV aired its Video Music Awards, and critics yawned at how
dull the once-outrageous show has become. Ex-dirrty girl Christina
Aguilera performed a ballad in a classy dress; only one recipient used
profanity; formerly exhibitionist rapper L'il Kim ripped off her orange
jail coveralls to reveal that underneath, she was wearing...a funky
business suit; and Al Gore presented a message about global warming.
* While dancing the Macarena...for three hours...It was the most
exciting part of the show.
* After sitting through this show, viewers were praying for the end of
* You know you're in trouble when all the hot, panting sex appeal is
left up to the guy who used to sing with N' Sync.
* Plus, MTV never shows music videos anymore, so all the awards went to
"Pimp My Ride."
* The Toronto Film Festival will debut a mock documentary depicting
President Bush being assassinated, but the director claims it's meant
to be "thought-provoking"...(CAREFUL!)
consider the wet dreams of liberal filmmakers to be
"thoughts"...It worked: the Secret Service is now thinking about
shipping his butt to Gitmo.
* Police in Norway recovered two stolen Edvard Munch paintings,
including his masterpiece, "The Scream"...They were hanging over Bill Gates'
* In Tanzania, a 60th birthday gala and AIDS fundraiser in honor of the
late Freddy Mercury of Queen was canceled after angry Islamic
fundamentalists said Mercury's lifestyle offended them and they
threatened to disrupt it...Using
dynamite with a laser beam...Say, don't they get offended by
* Leake's Kwik Stop in Forest City, Arkansas, was robbed when four
young men came in and set the female clerks screaming and running by
threatening them with some baby pythons...So at least four people saw "Snakes On A
Plane"...They were arrested, but they can't be charged with armed
robbery because snakes have no arms.
* James Russell of Aberdeen, Scotland, admitted to drunkenly attacking
a woman by pouring a basin of vomit over her head, but the sheriff
deferred sentencing for six months to see if he can remain on good
behavior...Uh, that IS his good
behavior...This man really should be in protective custody...To be a
good Scottish citizen, he has to learn to hold his drunken vomit.
* Panasonic plans to market the world's largest TV set: it has a
103-inch screen, is only five inches thick, and costs $80,000...Seriously, is it worth that much to see
Andy Rooney and Barbara Walters on a 103-inch screen?...It also has the
world's best TV sound system, for watching "Celebrity Duets"...The
picture is so wide, TV actresses will have to become even thinner.
* Jossip.com reports that an unnamed but well-placed source at Vanity
Fair says editor Graydon Carter is so worried that the first photos of
Suri Cruise will leak out, he's made everyone sign confidentiality
agreements and put armed guards outside the printers...It's much tighter than our airport
security. Don't say Americans can't prioritize...They don't want it to
leak out that Suri has a third ear...They'll be devastated if people
find out what a baby looks like before they see it in Vanity Fair.
QUOTE OF THE DAY!
Actor Toby Jones, who shares a prison kiss with Daniel Craig in the
upcoming movie "Infamous," said, "I've never dreamt that I would kiss
James Bond; it's not something I have ever aspired to. Now I've done
it, I can say that I hope I am the first of many"...John Travolta's already in line...Toby was
both shaken and stirred...See, 007 fans said he wasn't right for the
role, but look what a good kisser he is!
TITANIC FOUND- (Almanac)
She Just Goes On And On... -
On this day in 1985, a US-French team found the wreck of the Titanic
13,000 feet under the surface of Atlantic Ocean.
* Which would also be a good place to put all the Celine Dion CDs.
BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Lily Tomlin's Voice Is Lower -J.D. Fortune (INXS)
(33), Dee Dee Myers (45), Gloria Estefan (49), Archie Bell (62), Lily
Tomlin (67), Ann Richards (73), Yvonne De Carlo (84), and Bee Gees
leader Barry Gibb (60).
* Now entering his seventh decade of waiting for his voice to change.
THE COMEDY WIRE
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Thursday - July 20, 2006
HOMELAND SECURITY BLOWING MONEY And $3 Million For Security Blankets - A
found that the Homeland Security Department wasted hundreds
of thousands of dollars last year. Not only are 100 laptops and a dozen
boats missing, but they also spent $7,000 on iPods that were never
used; $68,442 on 2,000 dog booties that were later found to be unsuited
for rescue dogs; $2500 on designer rain jackets for use at a target
range that closes whenever it rains; and over $1,000 for a beer-brewing
kit for the Coast Guard Academy's social organizer. That came out to
$12 per six-pack. A spokesman blamed the waste on "a small number of
* Actually, 10,000 bushels of apples...They left them in a warehouse
until they went bad.
* In the event of a real emergency, there won't be time to brew beer! We'll
need it ready-made!
* The rescue dogs refused to wear pink dog booties from the Paris
* How can FEMA agents deal with the aftermath of hurricanes if they
don't practice shooting guns in the rain?
ADS ON AIRLINE BARF BAGS This Makes Me Want To Hurl - In an
attempt to find every penny of revenue, US Airways plans to sell ads on
air sickness bags. The airline said they're on the back of every seat
anyway so why not make them multipurpose? And one industry consultant
said, "Barf bags have a lot of shelf life - people aren't barfing as
much in planes as they used to." As to who would want to advertise on a
barf bag, he said selling an ad to Dramamine would be "brilliant."
* Or they could advertise M. Night Shyamalan's new movie.
* It's the perfect place to advertise Kevin Federline's rap CD!
* People don't use the barf bags much, ever since they cut out the
DUMB CRIMINAL NEWS ROUND-UP
10-To-1 He Pleads Mental Incompetence -
An armed robber who held up 35 betting parlors in Zagreb, Croatia,
without wearing a mask was captured after he returned to one of the
shops to place a bet and was recognized. A police spokesman said, "It
was unbelievable. He robbed 35 different shops, and then he happily
walked back into one, ready to spend the exact same money he'd got
* Now, that's a
* Apparently, there's no place to spend your money in Zagreb other than
Actually, He Said, "Const-uctive" -
stealing all the "R's" in Greencastle, Indiana. The letter
"R" is disappearing from marquee signs all over town, and nobody knows
why. A hardware store owner said, "We've lost our R's, and we want them
back." Police say it may be a joke, but it's disturbing; and a motel
manager said, "Whoever's doing it needs to put their talents to
something more constructive."
* Like catching some Z's...Or grabbing some T & A.
* It must be pirates! What other kind of criminal uses so many "Arrrrrrrrrs!"?
* When he has enough R's, he plans to sell them and buy a vowel.
* This isn't a major crime, but it does violate the letter of the law.
LATEST GYM RAGE: GIANT VIBRATOR
People Are Buzzing - Madonna has
sparked a run on the latest piece of fitness equipment: the Power
Plate, which its makers dub a "miracle machine." The smallest, cheapest
model costs $4800 (US), and London stores can't keep them in stock.
It's basically a big vibrator that you sit on and let it do all the
work. The makers claim the vibrations make the muscles contract and
relax up to 50 times a second, burning as many calories as a heavy
workout in just 15 minutes. But some fitness experts say it provides no
cardiovascular benefits and is not a replacement for working out.
* Although it is a great replacement for a boyfriend.
* Maybe not, but you feel so good afterward, you just don't care.
* Does anyone seriously think Madonna bought a giant vibrator to get a
* It's also bad for your health because after you use it, you want a
* For 75 cents, you can go to the Laundromat and sit on a washer during
the spin cycle.
GARAGE DOOR CONTROL RAISES PENIS (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
What's The Frequency, Kenneth? -
Scotland's Daily Record reports that an anonymous man in Merseyside
called BBC Radio host Roger Phillips with an unusual health complaint.
He said he suffered impotence and had gotten an electronic penile
implant operation in Turkey. Unfortunately, the Turkish electronics
operated on a different frequency to British implants, and every time
his neighbor used his garage door opener, the man got an erection. He
said it wasn't funny because he couldn't leave the house like that.
* If he has an erection that won't go down, why would he want to leave the house?
* He should give his wife a garage door control...It could be her sex
* What's worse is when his neighbor
closes his garage door at just the wrong moment.
* What's frustrating for his wife is when they're having sex and the
neighbor hits "Fast Forward" on his DVD remote.
* He claims this story is true, but it raised a lot of eyebrows.
CLEVELAND WATER BEATS FANCY BOTTLED WATER
Maybe It SHOULD Be - Fiji Water, a
trendy bottled water favored by celebrities, launched an ad campaign
making fun of Cleveland. The ads read, "The label says Fiji because
it's not bottled in Cleveland." Fiji's president Edward Cochran is from
Cleveland, and he said, "It's only a joke. We had to pick some town."
But Cleveland's utilities director wasn't amused: he ran a test and
found 6.31 micrograms of arsenic per liter in a bottle of Fiji Water
and none in Cleveland tap water. The EPA allows up to 10. Cochran
questioned the reliability of the test.
* Cleveland officials suggested that he go drink arsenic.
* Hey, if someone is giving pretentious celebrities water with arsenic
in it, then I say more power to them!
* Well, at least the arsenic proves it really isn't bottled in
* Drew Carey must be the healthiest celebrity: he actually does drink tap water from
BRITISH WOMEN DON'T CARE FOR SEX (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
Stop The Presses! - A survey of
British women by the massage oil maker Zestra disproved the notion that
women are having more and better sex than ever before. Despite the pill
and the sexual revolution, half of women said they are dissatisfied
with their sex lives, which is a lower satisfaction level than women of
previous generations who had less sex. 11 percent regularly have sex
when they don't really want to, one in 12 frequently fakes orgasms, and
about one in nine women say that sex is "an irritating annoyance,"
"only enjoyable for men," and "just like any other household chore."
* No, it's not like a household chore because the men actually do it.
* Like washing the sheets, except when you're through, the sheets need
to be washed again.
* In response to the survey, Zestra is creating a new massage oil that
doubles as a furniture polish.
* British women of previous generations were more satisfied with their
sex lives because they
had less sex.
FUN WITH ANIMALS
Get This Mother-F-in' Blanket Outta My
Mother-F-in' Snake! - In Ketchum, Idaho, a 12-foot pet Burmese
python named Houdini had to undergo surgery after it swallowed an
entire queen-size electric blanket, including the control box and cord.
Vets believe the blanket, which was in the snake's box to keep it warm,
got tangled in its rabbit dinner, and the snake swallowed the whole
* They had to either operate to remove it, or turn the snake into a
pair of self-heating boots.
* This is why they don't allow Burmese pythons at all-you-can-eat
* Sounds like the perfect pet: a 12-foot python that can swallow
anything and is named after the world's greatest escape artist.
The Opposite Of A Dog - Michael
Wilk, a home remodeler in Salem, Wisconsin, said he was tossing back a
few beers with friends when he looked at the side of his 4-foot-long
pet alligator, and his jaw dropped. He'd suddenly noticed that the
gator's white scales spelled out the word "GOD" against the black
scales on his side. It's getting lots of attention, and friends compare
it to the famous grilled cheese sandwich with the Virgin Mary on it.
Wilk, who was raised a Roman Catholic, said he thinks it's phenomenal,
but it hasn't affected him spiritually, and they don't sit around the
gator with candles, worshipping it.
* That comes later, after they toss back a few more beers.
* He doesn't worship it, but he does sacrifice a lot of chickens to it.
* One thing televangelists have taught us is that just because a big
reptile claims to be God, that doesn't make it true.
* Naomi Campbell wants to make a designer tote bag out of him.
YOUR CEREAL MAY BE FATTIER THAN BACON
A Kit-Kat Bar? Give Me A Break! -
If you think cereal for breakfast is healthy, guess again. The British
consumer magazine Which? tested 275 cereal brands and found that over
three-quarters of them have high levels of sugar, a fifth are high in
salt, and seven percent are high in saturated fat. All-Bran had as much
salt as potato chips; a bowl of Kellogg's Coco Pops Straws had the same
amount of sugar as a two-segment Kit-Kit bar; and some "healthy" oat,
granola and nut cereals had as much fat as two fried eggs or a bacon
sandwich. * So for a healthy breakfast, I recommend two fried eggs and
a bacon sandwich.
* A bacon sandwich is worse for your health, but only if you're a pig.
* Kellogg's Coco Pops Straws are the reason we have Ritalin.
* On the bright side, sugar, salt and fat are three of the Four Food
* The good news: the cereals do have calcium, if you pour milk on
them...And minerals, if you eat the spoon.
CONSUMERS REJECT HEALTHY POTATO CHIPS
Can't Argue With That! - Mister
Bee potato chips of West Virginia is dropping its new low-fat recipe
after five months and a 6 percent drop in sales. They appeased health
advocates by switching to trans-fat-free cottonseed oil, but the chips
came out darker, greasier and with an aftertaste. They said they tried
to tell consumers they were healthier, but they replied that if they
wanted healthy, they wouldn't be eating potato chips.
* Yeah, they'd be eating cereal!
* "Mister Bee" doesn't stand for "Mister Bulimia."
* Since dropping low-fat oils, the company has experienced a 6 percent
gain, and so have their customers.
* The health advocates thought the new chips tasted pretty good with
seaweed and tofu dip.
PRIZEWINNER WANTS TO BUY MOON PROPERTY
Highly Illogical -
Sarah Lang, a British mother of two and lifelong "Star Trek" fan," won
$1.8 million (US) on the TV game show "Pokerface" and plans to invest
it wisely: by buying land on the moon. She said she heard you can buy
plots of land up there, and "it might be worth something in a few
* I'm guessing that "Pokerface" is a game of chance, not intelligence?
* If she could say that with a straight face, I can see why she won on
* You give some people $1.8 million, and they want the moon!
* After five years in office, President Bush at last issued his first
veto, killing an attempt by Congress to allow funding of embryonic stem
cell research...Finally, Congress had
a bad idea!...The bill wasn't viable, so he had to abort
it...Republicans will do anything to get the embryo vote.
* Wednesday, the Internet company Yahoo announced an unexpected delay
in a formula to boost ad profits and its stock price fell nearly 22
percent, erasing nearly $10.4 billion in stockholder wealth...From an estimated company value arrived
at by pulling a very large number out of their butts...On the plus
side, if you want to run an ad on Yahoo, it must be pretty cheap
now...They also announced that the name "Yahoo" will be changed to "Oh,
* Animal rights activist Brigitte Bardot is so angry at France for
attacking a Swedish proposal for EU rules on humane treatment of minks
that she is threatening to move to Sweden and said she is "ashamed to
be French"...And that's the best
reason she can come up with?...Wait till she sees what the Swedes do to
* Spirit Airlines quickly canceled a new game promotion called "The
Hunt for Hoffa," jokingly based on the hunt for Jimmy Hoffa, after
getting complaints...Complaints that
nobody could find him...They also got an offer they couldn't refuse.
* Scott Curry of Lubbock, Texas, hauled in a 20-pound fish on Buffalo
Springs Lake that had weirdly human-like teeth, and nobody can identify
it...Have they tried dental
records?...Does it answer to the name of "Mr. Limpet?"
* Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, who plays bass in his own rock band,
asked the state parole board to expunge Keith Richards' $162.50 fine
for reckless driving in 1975 from his record, so it won't mar his
memories of Arkansas...Keith has no
memories of Arkansas. He has no memories of 1975.
* A study of bacterial pollution found that up to 1.5 million people
are being made sick on Southern California beaches every year...And those are just the ones who saw
Britney Spears in a bikini.
HEADLINE OF THE DAY! From
Mail: "Government Orders 12 New Nimrods"...Can't the US government loan them some of
our surplus nimrods?
FIRST MEN ON MOON -
(Almanac) One Of These Days...To The Moon! -
On this day in 1969, Apollo 11 astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin
"Buzz" Aldrin became the first and second men to walk on the moon.
Armstrong said it was "one small step for (a) man, one giant leap for
* Buzz's first words were, "To Infinity...and BEYOND!!"
BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Where's LaBeef? - Radney Foster (47), Donna Dixon (49), Kim Carnes
(60), T.G. Shepherd (62), John Lodge (63), Diana Rigg (68), rockabilly
singer Sleepy LaBeef (71), Sally Ann Howes (76) and Paul Cook of the
Sex Pistols is 50.
* That's when your Sex Pistol becomes a single-shot weapon.
Also, Carlos Santana is 59. He said he knew the songs on his
"Supernatural" album would be radio hits because an angel named
Metatron who advises him told him so.
* That's his guardian angel...and he appears to need a guardian.
* He has a guardian angel who bribes disc jockeys?
WIRE By Pat
Reeder & Laura Ainsworth Thursday
- June 1, 2006
POLE WAS SUBTROPICAL And The Polar Bears Had Sun Tans -
Scientists studying ice core samples from the Arctic floor were
surprised to discover that 55 million years ago, the temperature at the
North Pole was 74 degrees F., there were palm trees, and it was
practically a "subtropical paradise." But while this shows that global
warming can occur without any manmade gases at all, Yale geology Prof.
Mark Pagani said it also shows that atmospheric conditions can reach a
tipping point that heats up the Earth a lot; and while it might have
been a tropical paradise, it was swampy and steamy and "the mosquitoes
were probably the size of your head."
* Almost as big as the ones
in Florida today.
* They were the size of
SUVs, so maybe we can blame it on them.
* This is why you never let
a Yale environmentalist write a travel brochure for a tropical
* If only Al Gore had been
around to prevent it.
* They believe it was
caused by giant prehistoric cows farting.
A DOG IN FLORIDA RESTAURANTS Katherine Harris? - The
President's brother, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, plans to sign a new law
called the "Dining with Dogs" bill. It will give local governments the
right to let restaurants allow customers to bring their dogs with them
to outdoor dining areas. After three years, the state would revisit the
program to assess whether it was a good idea. Bush said his own dog
Marvin can't attend the ceremony, but there will be a canine present
when he signs it.
* Is that really a good
recipe for a photo op, to have a dog standing next to a Bush?
* Things have gotten even
stranger in Florida ever since dogs got the right to vote.
* If your dog is over
eight, he gets a senior discount.
* The biggest drawback: you
can no longer claim you're taking your leftovers home to your dog.
* There was no point in
letting people bring their cats to restaurants; they're much too
finicky to eat the swill you eat.
ENERGY See? Snickers DOES Give You Energy! -
magazine reports that the University of Birmingham,
England, found that if you let certain germs feed on chocolate nougat
and caramel, they produce enough hydrogen to power a small fan. Instead
of throwing away waste chocolate, candy companies could use the
bacteria to convert it into hydrogen to run their factories or to sell
to energy companies.
* I don't understand the
concept...What does "waste chocolate" mean?
* Chocolate can produce
enough energy to power a factory? Anyone who's seen a six-year-old boy
after he's eaten a candy bar knows that.
* If we want to generate a
lot of energy, find a germ that feeds on thrown-away parsley.
* If chocolate and bacteria
combine to create energy, my refrigerator could power the world!
MONA LISA SPEAK The DaVinci Load - Japanese
acoustic expert Dr. Matsumi Suzuki uses measurements of heads, throats
and faces to recreate people's voices for criminal investigations and
to dub actors' voices in films; and now, he's recreated the Mona Lisa's
voice. He says his technique is 90 percent accurate: for instance, Mona
Lisa had a wide lower face, which lowers the voice, and a pointed chin,
which adds mid-tones. He put a recording of her saying, "I am the Mona
Lisa. My true identity is shrouded in mystery," on the Internet
(http://promotion.msn.co.jp/davinci/voice.htm), using an Italian woman
to add intonation, then altering it. Suzuki said he tried having her
speak in Japanese, but it just didn't fit her image.
* Okay, how about Japanese
with an Italian accent?
* They also tried English
and had Mona Lisa say, "Beware! Godzilla is approaching!"
* Mona Lisa's voice is 90
percent accurate...Hey, prove him wrong!
* I would've had her say
something more topical like, "Did you see that 'DaVinci Code' movie?
What a load of crap!"
WINS $2 MILLION FOR BAD DATES Kevin Federline May Soon Be Available -
Anne Majerik, a 60-year-old widow from Erie, Pennsylvania, paid Beverly
Hills matchmaker Orly Hadida $125,000 to be introduced to cultured
millionaires who wanted monogamous relationships. But Majerik claims
she got only a few dates with inappropriate men, such as an
"international banker" who turned out to be an interpreter who works in
a bank. A jury awarded Majerik $2 million damages.
* And now, men are lining
up to date her.
* She plans to spend it all
on plastic surgery so she can pass for 25 and date all the 60-year-old
millionaires she wants.
* Cultured millionaires who
want monogamous relationships with 60-year-old women? The computer blew
* If we start awarding
everyone damages for all their bad dates, the economy is finished.
KILL FAMILY How About $100 And A Fresh-Baked Apple Pan
Dowdy? - Police in Lake County, Florida, allege that a jailed
man wanted his family killed before they could testify against him on
sexual molestation charges. So he got his parents to try to hire a hit
man to kill their three grandchildren, their daughter-in-law, and the
family dog. Police say the "hit man" his parents arranged to meet at a
motel was an undercover cop, and his dad was afraid to go in. They were
both arrested after his mom offered the hit man $100 cash.
* Why, back in her day, you
could kill your family for $100 and back $9 change!
* Moral: never send your
bargain-hunting mom to hire a hit man.
* She also asked if he took
* Yes, he was afraid even
the dog would testify against him...It was a pointer.
LEAVE A TEENAGE BOY HOME ALONE Sure, He's An Idiot - Paul and
Joanne Bray of Caister-on-Sea, England, left their son, Sean, 18, home
alone while they took a weekend vacation. He left a basket full of
laundry on top of an electric cook stove and accidentally bumped one of
the controls, turning on a burner as he was leaving to meet friends.
The clothes caught on fire, which heated a nearby bag of groceries his
sister had left for him. Inside was a spray can of Sure deodorant,
which exploded with such force, it blew out windows, cracked a wall,
and lifted the roof off their bungalow. Firefighters estimated the
damage at over $65,000. His mom said it's ironic because Sean survives
on takeout and microwave food and normally never even turns on the
* And now, we know why.
* Thank God he didn't try
to wash that laundry: the house would look like Hurricane Katrina hit
* And to think: only last
month, they "un-babyproofed" their kitchen.
* Sean learned his lesson:
he'll never wear deodorant again.
MAN DISPROVES CHEATING BY SEVERING PENIS (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!) The Long And Short Of It - The New
Straits Times reports that a 44-year-old man in northern Malaysia got
into an argument with his wife after she found a text message from
another woman on his cell phone. His son said he heard his dad shout
that he wanted to prove he was faithful to his wife, followed by loud
screams. The man had proved he wasn't cheating by cutting off his
penis. His wife rushed him to the hospital for reattachment surgery.
* Well...define "rushed."
* This still doesn't prove
he wasn't cheating, but at least he won't do it again.
* I have a feeling that
either way, this guy was going to get his penis cut off.
MOST DIFFICULT COCKTAIL He Parachutes With A Little Umbrella
- Ante Butic, who creates drinks for beacch goers in Zadar, Croatia, has
invented the world's hardest cocktail to mix. The Wings of Zadar
cocktail is mixed by a bartender freefalling from 10,000 feet. It's
poured upside down so the drink flies up into the mixer, shaken by the
bartender doing mid-air somersaults, and chilled by the cold air
rushing over the shaker. The bartender lands and immediately serves the
drink. Butic claims the high altitude gives the Maraschino
liqueur-based drink a unique flavor, and he'll keep serving it if
enough rich people keep ordering it.
* And if they quit saying,
"I told you to HOLD the olive! Do it over!"
* This could finally
convince Tom Cruise to make "Cocktail 2."
* The shaker is made out of
black box material, so if the bartender's parachute doesn't open, your
drink will survive.
* High altitudes make
drinks taste better...That's why airline beverages are so expensive.
MONROE EXHIBIT SPARKS LAWSUIT Some Like It Not - Two people who
paid $22.95 each to see an exhibit called "The Ultimate Marilyn" on the
Queen Mary in Long Beach, California, are suing for a refund of
admission fees and punitive damages. The exhibit displayed hair
rollers, a lipstick holder, suitcases and other stuff that supposedly
belonged to Marilyn Monroe, but the plaintiffs claim she didn't own
many of the items, and some were even made after she died.
* For instance, that was
NOT Marilyn Monroe's iPod.
* They claimed to have the
outfit she wore during her most famous photo shoot, and it was just a
* They didn't want to see a
lot of fake useless junk! They wanted to see a lot of genuine useless
NEW BATWOMAN IS A LESBIAN(CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!) Not Ambiguously Gay - In an
ongoing effort to make their superheroes more diverse, DC Comics
announced that the rarely-seen character of Batwoman will return in a
new graphic novel as a lipstick lesbian. The New York Daily News found
mixed reaction among comics fans. Some feared they were messing up
classic characters just to be PC, while others thought it might spark
interesting new stories. One said he didn't see how it would change
Batwoman that much, "unless she has lesbian superpowers."
* But she does! She gets
them when she puts on her utility belt from Home Depot!
* What would be a lesbian
superpower? X-ray vision, but you can only see through flannel?
* She's the same as always,
except she now prefers the Bat Cave to the Bat Pole.
TOP TEN MALE SEX LEGENDS(CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!) Pronounced HUMP-'er-dinck - Maxim
magazine listed the Top 10 "Living Sex Legends," the men who are
alleged to have had the most women (the late Wilt Chamberlain holds the
record with 20,000). Counting down from #10, they are Rolling Stone
Bill Wyman and Magic Johnson (1,000 each), Lemmy of Motorhead (1,200),
Jack Nicholson (2,000), Ilie Nastase (2,500), Engelbert Humperdinck and
Julio Iglesias (3,000 each), Gene Simmons (4,600) and at #2, Charlie
Sheen (5,000). Surprisingly, they were all beat out by the #1 living
sex legend, Umberto Billo, a hotel bellman from Venice, Italy. Billo
claims to have bedded 8,000 women, and says they've crossed oceans to
stay in his hotel just to see him. Unfortunately, he was recently fired
by his boss, who said, "Sometimes, he was too exhausted to carry the
* And yet, they still
tipped him very well.
* Plus, they discovered
he'd carved thousands of notches in the bed posts.
* No woman wants him for a
serious relationship...Too much baggage.
* Charlie Sheen's statistic
should have an asterisk because he paid for most of them.
* Hugh Hefner would've made
the list, but they couldn't verify that he was still alive.
* Dutch investigators
completely exonerated Lance Armstrong of doping allegations in the 1999
Tour de France, and accused anti-doping authorities of misconduct...They were drunk from too many sour grapes.
* Victor Gardner of
Ogdensburg, New York, was arrested for allegedly stealing seven calves
from a farm by squeezing them all into his Dodge Neon...By the time he finished, they'd been
pressed into hamburger patties...On the plus side, Dodge is paying him
to appear in a commercial for the roomy Dodge Neon.
* Us Weekly claims that
Britney Spears has stopped telling her husband Kevin Federline things
that she wants to keep secret, like her plans to announce her pregnancy
on David Letterman's show, because he tells his posse of worthless
friends, who sell it to tabloids...Which
because they sold this story to a tabloid...When she divorces
him, he'll be the last to know.
* O.J. Simpson's daughter
Sydney, 20, accepted a plea bargain after being accused of cursing and
slapping at police who tried to break up a fight outside her Florida
school's basketball game. She was sentenced to 50 hours of community
service...She'll be driving a White
Ford Bronco for Meals On Wheels...That seems harsh: a murderer can get
off with less punishment.
* By the time Angelina
Jolie named her baby, her lawyers had already registered the Internet
domain name "shilohnouveljoliepitt.com"...It was hardly necessary: the kid already
has her own blog on MySpace.
* Elizabeth Taylor appeared
on Larry King's CNN show to deny tabloid reports that she has
Alzheimer's disease and is near death. Taylor asked King, "Oh, come on,
do I look like I'm dying? Do I look or sound like I have
Alzheimer's?"..."Well, DO I, Mr.
Rather?"...She didn't, but Larry King did...So, Larry King married her.
* Double-amputee Iraq war
vet Sgt. Peter Damon is suing Michael Moore for $85 million, claiming
Moore took an interview he gave to NBC, put it in "Fahrenheit 9/11,"
and edited it to falsely make it sound like he was attacking the war,
which he supports. He was actually talking about how his injuries
felt... Now, he wants Michael Moore
to know how it feels to lose an arm and a leg...To Michael Moore, $85
million is grocery money.
* Wednesday, NBC's "Today
Show" spent three hours bidding goodbye to Katie Couric with past clips
and tearful farewells from fans who didn't seem comforted by knowing
she'll be anchoring the "CBS Evening News" in just a few months...Or that she'll remain on "Today" and keep
saying goodbye for the next three months...She takes longer to said
goodbye than Cher.
"DON'T GIVE UP THE SHIP!" - (Almanac) Picard Already Surrendered It - On
this day in 1813, during a losing battle with a British frigate,
Captain James Lawrence of the U.S. frigate Chesapeake said, "Don't give
up the ship!"
* And I thought that was
said by Captain Kirk to Captain Picard!
BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac) Not Yet Petrified Wood - Alanis
Morrissette (32), Heidi Klum (33), Teri Polo (37), Lisa Hartman Black
(50), Ronnie Dunn (53), Powers Boothe (57), Jonathan Pryce (59), Rene
Auberjonois (66), Morgan Freeman (69), Pat Boone (72), Edward Woodward
(76), Andy Griffith (80) and Ron Wood is 59.
* That's why the other
Rolling Stones call him "Sonny."
COPYRIGHT 2005 -
COMEDY WIRE PUBLISHING
Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
February 7, 2006
SEXIST, TEACHERS SUCK Dumb Ol' Boys! - Doug Anglin, 77,
the son of a Boston lawyer, is suing the Department of Education,
claiming there are more female college students and more male dropouts
because the US school system is institutionally sexist. For instance,
boys naturally rebel against rules requiring them to sit quietly; then
they're put on Ritalin. Or students get credit for decorating lesson
books, which he says no red-blooded male would do. He blames his school
for the fact that he's not doing well at anything but sports.But one
critic said if his parents taught him to sit down and study instead of
filing lawsuits, he'd do fine in school.
down and study?! What, like a GIRL?!
red-blooded male would want to
anything but sports.
was his dad's idea...It's the only way
he'll ever get into law school.
you want to get rich in America today,
knowing how to file a lawsuit is the best education you can have.
Could Happen Here...And It Has - The #1 bestseller on German
"Teacher Hate Book" by Lerlinde Unverzagt, a mother whose four kids
have spent a total of 26 years in German public schools.
The book is 220 pages of anecdotes about how
German teachers are lazy, ideologically-motivated incompetents who
parents for kids' failures and can't be fired.
For instance, one teacher said she was proud of her students'
mistakes, because "If we were to insist that they spell correctly, we
would only frighten them."
Unverzagt is getting a flood of letters from parents supporting
hate mail from teachers.
of it misspelled.
kids to spell words doesn't sound
very frightening, until you realize: they're German words.
really scary part: her kids have spent
26 years in public schools, and they're only up to the fourth grade.
think we owe a debt of gratitude to German
teachers! If it weren't for them, American
kids would be last in everything!
ROBBERS BLAME BUSH And
Their Getaway Car Radio's Stuck On Air America - Bank employee
Nalita Hall of
Westerville, Ohio, was at home when two masked, armed intruders burst
demanded she drive back to the bank and open the vault.
She told them she couldn't because she had
only half the combination. After two
hours, they tied her up with duct tape and fled, with one telling her,
"This is all George W. Bush's fault.
He screwed up the economy. We
just need gas money for the car."
plan was to clean out the bank vault
and give all the money to MoveOn.org.
suspect it was two out-of-work
gas tank was empty? No wonder they needed
to clean out an entire
PEOPLE HURT THEMSELVES Say, Rappers Often Seem Angry And Hostile -
University of Missouri
confirmed that angry people are more likely to hurt themselves.
They asked over 2,500 emergency room
patients to describe their anger level just before they were
injured. 32 percent said they were irritable, 18
percent said angry, and 13 percent said they were hostile.
Being angry more than quadrupled a person's
odds of being hurt, while being hostile increased it sixfold. The
effect was more pronounced for young men
than for women or other groups.
not fair: young men are angry and
hostile all the time.
is what makes you think it's a
good idea to take a swing at the nightclub bouncer.
* After they were injured, 100
went from irritable to hostile when
they were questioned by researchers instead of seeing a doctor.
they learned in the E.R. was, "Try
not to get angry when 'that damn nail gun just won't fire.'"
WITH NO NAME STILL HAS TO PAY TAXES Call
Him "He Who Gets Slapped With Fine" - Cliff Hann of Whitehorse,
Alberta, Canada, tried a unique excuse for not paying taxes: he doesn't
name, so the bill wasn't his. He argued
that the name on his birth certificate was assigned to him, and he
to accept it or responsibility for any debts the government might
it. It means nothing that he answers to
it because he answers to his nieces calling him "Uncle" and his
aunt's cat saying "Meow," but neither is his name.
He said the name "Cliff Hann"
belongs to the government, and they should get the tax bill. The
judge didn't buy it and fined him
he changed his name...Cost him $4,000.
he still doesn't pay, his name will be #
the tax auditors, his name is Mud.
now made a name for himself, as the
biggest idiot since Richard Hatch.
SPEND MORE ON VALENTINE'S DAY Stop
The Presses! - A survey by the National
Retailers' Federation predicts that the average US consumer will spend
on Valentine's Day this year, up from $97.27 last year.That's the average of the $135.67 men will
spend and the $68.64 women will spend.
I had no idea my wife was paying $68 for a greeting card!
men buy chocolates and sexy lingerie,
and those are really for themselves.
men only spend about $50 on Valentine's
Day, but Kobe Bryant throws off the curve.
MAN LOADS LUGGAGE TOO SLOWLY "I'm
Not Giving You One Of MY Hands!" - Stephen McKenzie-McHarg. 54.
threatened with jail if he doesn't pay a ticket for parking in the bus
the Melbourne Airport because he took too long to unload his luggage.He was struggling with it since he has only
one arm.He said the airport cop kept
saying, "Get going, get going;" McHarg said, "Why don't you give
me a hand?" and the cop replied, "I'm going to book you."McHarg called it discrimination and vowed to
fight it on principle, saying, "Next time, the fellow might have just
that guy gets a ticket, he'll be
worse...Parking at the airport costs an
arm and a leg.
never a good idea to throw the book at
a man with only one hand.
WEINER DOG EATS CIGARETTES Smoked
Sausage - Wolfgang Treitler of Graz, Austria, has a Dachshund
who is 22 years old.Treitler says he's
as fit as a puppy and all his teeth are fine.His secret: he eats 10 cigarettes a day.He
paper and tobacco, then chews on the filters awhile
before spitting them out.Treitler said
he got the dog 17 years ago, and he already had the habit.His vet said nicotine is normally poisonous
to dogs, but this one has apparently developed a tolerance for it.
if you thought Chihuahuas
Dachshund has eaten so much tobacco,
you could actually pick him up and smoke him like a giant cigar.
are usually pack animals, but this one
is a half-a-pack animal.
might live even longer, except he eats
half a pack of cigarettes, then smokes the other half.
CHASE INVADES GOLF TOURNAMENT The
Golf Pants Alone Were A Felony - The NSW Amateur Golf
Ryde-Parramatta Golf Club in Australia was interrupted when a man who
robbed a supermarket crashed a stolen pickup through a fence and drove
fifth fairway.As players dived for
cover, he got stuck in a sand trap, jumped out carrying a bag and a
ran into an empty house.Police
helicopters and 25 cars converged on the course.He
after two hours.The
cops declared the fairway a crime scene and wouldn't let
anyone play through.
Putt-Putt golfers could play through,
if they could get the ball past the spinning helicopter blades
declared the green a crime scene after
they saw what all those tires had done to it.
good news: it was the highest-rated golf
tournament in TV history.
NOTE SUBJECT!) DNA
Download - The Arizona State University Web Devil news website
18-year-old student was arrested Sunday night in the ASU library after
allegedly pulled down his pants and underwear to masturbate while
porn on his laptop.Asked why he was
doing that in the campus library, he reportedly told cops, "To be
the Internet connection at my dorm isn't good enough."
like a true Web Devil!
this is why Bill Clinton wanted every
campus library to have high-speed Internet access.
ADMIT IT Just
Blame Acid Reflux - The British musicians' union is calling on
admit when they are lip-synching in concert.
A spokesman said they will not attack any performers who mime to
recordings, as long as they are honest enough to declare it; but they
undermines the reputation of British musicianship when they tour, and
and Europeans can tell they're miming.
They say they just want honesty with consumers and don't fully
with Elton John, who inspired the campaign when he said, "Anyone who
lip-synchs in public on stage when you pay 75 pounds to see them should
don't know if I'd fully agree with that,
either...I'd have to know how large a caliber weapon
of them who actually attempt to sing
live should be shot.
tell me upfront that you'll be faking
the vocals in concert, and I'll happily buy a ticket...with Monopoly
GROUCHO WANG (CAREFUL!
NOTE SUBJECT!) Dicko -
Roseanne Barr told Attitude magazine that she used to have a photo of
Clooney's private parts dressed as Groucho Marx.A
was a regular in the early days of the
"Roseanne" sitcom, and he had a goofy sense of humor.One night when they were all drunk, John
Goodman took a photo of him naked with a pair of Groucho glasses over
crotch.They kept it on the show's
fridge with a magnet over it until one day, someone stole it.Roseanne said she keeps checking eBay to see
if anyone's selling it, but it's never shown up.
can tell it's not the real Groucho...He
looks a bit like Groucho. Close, but no
cigar...More like a Tiparillo.
FIGURES IT OUT Ignorance
Is Bliss - Jennifer Aniston finally revealed why she and Brad
they were too happy.She said, "At
the time, you go, 'Celebrate it, we're in love, let's talk.'But it became a feeding frenzy out
there."So she thinks their
break-up was "karma" for constantly telling everybody how happy they
I thought it was because of how happy
Brad and Angelina Jolie were.
we know why all celebrity couples break
up: they're too damned happy.
OFFERED $35 MILLION TO USE HER THROAT Why The
Music Industry Is Dying- Columbia Records has offered Jessica
million to make four original albums and a greatest hits CD, making her
youngest recording artist ever to be offered such a huge deal.A Columbia spokesperson told the Hollywood
Reporter, "Jessica Simpson is one of the most consistent, hard-working
artists we have on our roster.She
really has earned this deal."
not marrying Kevin Federline
and getting pregnant."
the 200 other hard-working artists
without huge boobs, who had to be dropped so they could afford her.
course, her dad made them offer Ashlee
$35 million, too.
pay $35 million to see Jessica Simpson
turn out just ONE original album.
* To retaliate against European papers, Iran's
largest newspaper is holding a contest to print the most vile, hateful,
anti-Semitic cartoon about the Holocaust...Say, don't they do that
Bush sent a $2.77 trillion budget
plan to Congress, which was immediately denounced by both parties as
"scandalously" small...$2.77 trillion
just doesn't buy what it used
to...And then, they went back to blaming Bush for the deficit...If only
Congress weren't run by those spendthrift Democrats!
international team of scientists
announced the discovery of an untouched "lost world" high in the New
Guinea mountain rain forests, filled with rare and previously unknown
of animals and plants...Mostly a lot
of huge bugs and lizards, and one
gorilla...Yet there was already a Starbucks... It was discovered by
loggers. It's gone now.
Daily Mirror reports that Paris
Hilton's parents gave her a 50 percent ownership in The Collection, a
nightclub in London, to develop her business skills.
A source said it's "just the start for Paris," and her
family wants her to make more investments in London bars...Hasn't she
enough of their money in bars already?...Her singing career can't last
forever...For once, I agree with her parents: Paris Hilton's future is
bars...Smart move: Giving Paris Hilton her own bar is like giving Ted
the nuclear launch codes.
priest who runs a religious record label
in Rome has the rights to 24 prayers written by Pope John Paul II, and
asked Michael Jackson to record some of them...Michael will do it, if
the Vienna Boys Choir...If they become hits, Michael will declare
himself to be
the "King of Pope."
Peatie of Cape Cod, Massachusetts,
was arrested after a hospital nurse allegedly caught him moments after
mother passed away, pouring the morphine from her IV drip into a water
to take with him...He's a good boy:
his mom always taught him, "Waste
private eye Anthony Pellicano was
indicted Monday on 110 counts, including illegal tapping of the phone
a number of celebrities, such as Sylvester Stallone...He's fair game
consorted with Afghanis! Remember
"Rambo 3?!"...The feds thought the tapes were scrambled until they
realized, that's just the way Stallone talks...It's wrong to wiretap
terrorists, but aren't celebrities fair game?
only reason we haven't run this is
because it was over before Monday's edition and we're still waiting for
report on what happened, but our money is on the parrots to have
LINK! Google has all the Super Bowl
commercials on one page in fast download format:
RATIONING ANNOUNCED - (Almanac) Draft
Dodgers Bought High Heels - On this day in 1943, during World
government announced that in two days, shoe rationing would begin and
could buy only three pairs of shoes per year.
gave women just two days to buy 300
pairs...Men did nothing, since they buy only one pair of shoes every
BIRTHDAYS- (Almanac) Oddly
Enough, Chris Gaines Is 39 - Jason Gedrick (39), Chris Rock
(44), Garth Brooks (44), James Spader (46), Miguel Ferrer (51), Gay
and Ashton Kutcher (28).
Moore just dumped him for the kid from
"Everybody Hates Chris.