The Comedy Wire Samples Page

Many other radio services won't show you samples of what they do until you sign up for a trial or at least give them your e-mail address. Well, we have nothing to fear from letting you see our material. So we post a "Joke of the Day" on this site and a free sample at AllAccess.com every day, plus we occasionally post full-length issues, unedited and picked at random, so you can see below exactly what you get, often just a few hours after the stories hit the Internet.

The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Thursday - October 25, 2007

GIULIANI ENDORSES GUNS FOR THE BLIND
He's A Regular Dead-Eye - Rudy Giuliani is trying to reassure Republicans that he is not anti-gun rights. At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire, he said he believes in only three restrictions on buying a gun: a minimum age requirement, a history of mental illness or a criminal record. When a former cop blinded in the line of duty asked if Giuliani would take away his gun, Rudy said, "You don't have to worry," adding that if someone disagrees with letting blind people have guns, "You have to get the Constitution changed."

* But that audience wanted it changed to allow insane three-year-olds to buy guns.

* The forefathers wanted to protect our inalienable right to go deer hunting while blind drunk.

* He's right: one thing I would never do is try to take away a blind man's gun.

* A blind man is perfectly capable of firing a gun...Aiming is a bit trickier...

* Of course, blind people can use guns! That's why they make shotguns!

COLBERT'S CAMPAIGN SCRUTINIZED
How Truthy Is It? - Comic Stephen Colbert's presidential bid might be a joke, but it could get him into serious legal trouble. Comedy Central removed a petition drive from its website after the Federal Election Commission questioned whether Colbert is a real candidate. If so, the fact that he gets airtime on Comedy Central and his campaign is sponsored by Doritos could be construed as illegal corporation campaign donations. Other comedians, such as Pat Paulson, have made joking runs for the presidency, but that was before campaign finance reform passed.

* Also, back then, it was a lot easier to tell the joke candidates from the real candidates.

* Before that law passed, Bill Clinton could run a presidential campaign sponsored by McDonald's.

* Once they finish with Colbert, they have to determine if Dennis Kucinich is a real candidate or a cartoon character.

* A campaign sponsored by Doritos is said to be "triangulated."

WOMEN RULE IN SPACE
Mars Needs Women - History was made in space this week when Peggy Whitson took command of the International Space Station and Col. Pamela Melroy took the commander's seat in the space shuttle Discovery when it blasted off from Florida on Tuesday. This marks the first time in history that women were at the helm of both the space station and the space shuttle at the same time.

* But there was a tragic collision when they were both doing their eye makeup in the rearview mirrors at the same time.

* Thank God the docking maneuver doesn't require parallel parking.

* If a woman can drive an SUV, she can handle the space shuttle...It's smaller.

WOMAN TOO BUSY TO GET ROBBED
Hey, 7-11: Hire The British! - Linda Faulkner, 21, was working as a clerk at a Tesco gas station in Cheltenham, England, when another female clerk told her that an armed man made her empty her cash till into a bag, then demanded she empty hers into it, too. She replied, 'I'm sorry, he'll have to wait, because I'm busy." He stood there waiting awhile, but finally came up behind her, grabbed the bag and fled. He was caught and sentenced to seven years in jail. Faulkner told the Sun newspaper, "I just got on with it. British people don't stop work just because someone is trying to bully us with guns."

* Advice to robbers: Move to France. French people will stop working for anything.

* A lot of Americans her age won't even start working unless someone's pointing a gun at them.

* Sadly, she was fired for giving poor customer service and making him wait.

TOWN TO ARREST MASKED PEOPLE ON HALLOWEEN
Cocoa Nuts - Over the past four months in Cocoa, Florida, there have been 30 robberies by masked bandits, so the police are trying something "proactive." In Florida, wearing a mask in public is a misdemeanor, so they plan to arrest people who wear masks in certain public areas, such as stores or hotels, on Halloween. Anyone arrested for wearing a mask on Halloween could face a hefty fine and up to a year in prison. A police spokeswoman admitted that the policy is new, "and it may have some kinks."

* For instance, the jail can't hold 15,000 people.

* What about Floridians who look like they're wearing a mask, but it's just too much Botox?

* Also, Cocoa residents better explain to their kids that Santa will be clean-shaven this year.

* If you wear a white sheet over your head, they'll also assume you're a Klansman and charge you with a hate crime.

CAN-CRUSHING BOOBS ILLEGAL (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
The Cans Are Mightier Than The Cans - A barmaid in Pinjarra, Australia, pleaded guilty to violating hotel licensing laws by twice baring her breasts and crushing beer cans between them. She and the hotel manager were each fined $900 (US), and a fellow barmaid was fined $450 (US) for hanging spoons from her colleague's nipples. A police spokesman said, "It sends a clear message...that we will not tolerate this type of behavior in our licensed premises."

* But this is a licentious premises.

* Question: where would she go to apply for a license to do that?

* She was fined $900, and she made $6,000 in tips.

* That's nothing, you should see how she twists off bottle caps.

WEB LINK! This isn't her, but close enough: http://www.funnyclipcentral.com/content/toughtitties.php

SCHOOL BANS STRIPPERS FROM HALLOWEEN
No Strings Attached - A group of strippers from Scores in New York City volunteered to help Puppetry Art Theatre raise money for homeless children at the Haunted Halloween Carnival Benefit at Middle School 51 in Brooklyn. But after the New York Daily News reported the story, MS51 Principal Lenore Berner told theater head Timothy Young to uninvite the exotic dancers. Not wanting to harm the charity, he told the strippers they couldn't come. He said they weren't going to be inappropriately dressed and had planned to be costumed as sorceresses and witches.

* "Naughty" sorceresses and witches...

* The 8th grade girls would've been showing more skin than the strippers...As usual.

* Does that principal realize how many one-dollar bills they could've raised from dads?

* They're welcome to come trick-or-treat at my house...I'll give them a treat if they'll turn a trick.

SULTAN'S LIFESTYLE REVEALED
And Then On Tuesday, He Bought... - The Sultan of Brunei, one of the world's richest men, is embroiled in a court case over his transferring $8 billion in state funds to his personal account, and it's offered a peek into his incredibly lavish lifestyle. The court papers include a 50-page list of his living expenses, including luxury cars, paintings, aircrafts, yachts, nearly $12 million paid to each of his five PR experts, $2.5 million for acupuncturists and masseuses, $98,000 just for guards for his exotic bird cages, and $2.5 million to his badminton coach.

* To be fair, the Sultan is now a really wicked badminton player.

* His PR experts will earn their money now!

* Someday, he'll buy birds for those cages.

* This guy must be crazy! He thinks he's Michael Jackson!

* Why does he need acupuncturists? Taxpayers would gladly stick needles in him for free.

CONDOM TESTERS SOUGHT (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
Aren't They ALL Lucky? - Monday, Durex Condoms launched a drive to find men and women across the US and Canada to act as condom testers. They've already received 4,000 applications and expect to hit six figures. Applicants must submit essays on why they are the best qualified. Those accepted will receive a dozen condoms, lubricant and a "vibrating ring," and have to file reports on their comfort and sensitivity during use. There is no pay, but one lucky condom tester will win $1,000.

* Plus you can sue for child support if the condom breaks.

* You can also cash in by combining it with a second job as a mattress tester.

* And it looks great on your resume if you ever want to go into politics.

* The Catch-22: if you're the kind of person who's outstanding at essay questions, you probably don't get that much sex.

* I should get this job; I've been carrying an "Official Condom Tester" business card in my wallet for years.

BRITNEY WON'T SING "NON-TOXIC" ON "SESAME STREET"
But She's So Good With Small Children! - "Sesame Street" denied reports that Britney Spears will appear on the show to perform a cleaned-up version of her song "Toxic," backed by Oscar the Grouch. The rumor sparked protests from worried parents, but the spokesperson said there are no plans to have Britney on "Sesame Street," which isn't even in production right now.

* The rumor was started by Britney, who spilled her sock drawer and thought she was surrounded by Muppets.

* Just as well; she would've insisted on performing in a black bra and panties.

* Besides, if she changed the lyrics to the song, her lips wouldn't match the prerecorded vocals.

* Britney is more of a Barney fan..."Sesame Street" is too intellectual for her.

GREATEST MOVIE SOUNDTRACKS LIST
They Shoulda Known Better - Vanity Fair has listed the 50 greatest movie soundtracks, which will become a CBS special. They just revealed the top 10, and they include "The Big Chill," "American Graffiti," "Saturday Night Fever" and "Pulp Fiction." At #2 was "A Hard Day's Night," edged out by their #1 choice, Prince's "Purple Rain."

* Featuring "Let's Go Crazy," which they must have done when they put it ahead of the Beatles.

* When Beatles fans heard that, they spewed a long string of unpronounceable symbols.

* But none of them contain that Oscar-winning classic, "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp!"

NEWS NOTES!

* A state investigation of the officers who tasered a University of Florida student who refused to stop talking during an appearance by John Kerry found that the cops were justified in zapping him...Their exact ruling: "It was cool to tase him, bro!"...They also ruled that the cops would've been justified in zapping John Kerry to get him to stop talking.

* Scientists at New York University have pinpointed two areas in the brain that are responsible for optimism, positive thinking, and believing things such as that everything will work out okay or that you might win the lottery...Not "might" win; "WILL" win!...They're the same parts of the brain responsible for dreams and fantasies...The part of the brain that makes you think you'll win the lottery is on the opposite side from the part that handles math.

* In Japan, executions are by hanging, but the Justice Minister complained about the thumping trap door and said he wants to consider "more tranquil" ways to kill criminals, although he didn't say what those might be...Hanging, with earplugs?...Hangings are tranquil! All the spectators bring picnic lunches!...Today's criminals are lucky; back in the '60s, they used to be stomped to death by Godzilla.

* Officials in Breda, Holland, changed the street name of St. Fiacrius Court after residents complained that people had started calling it "St. Viagra Court"...Now it's just "St. Peter"...When you were on Viagra, you could go up the street, but you couldn't come back down for four hours.

* An Italian ad campaign against anti-gay discrimination that suggests people are born gay has sparked outrage by showing an infant with a bracelet that reads, "Homosexual"...It should read, "Stewie Griffin"...He became the first baby to get beaten up by the other babies in the maternity ward.

* The producers of Fox's "Prison Break" announced plans for a similar series, set in a women's prison...They figured Fox already had Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie under contract, so why not?...Well, Britney needs a comeback vehicle...It will be just like "Prison Break," only with 40 times the ratings...Can they cast Lindsay Lohan? Because that's the only way she'll ever go to prison.

* Ron Howard is trying to beat the writer's strike deadline by rushing to get a sequel to "The Da Vinci Code" ready before the end of the month...You can tell it's a rush job: it's about a plot to cover up the secret that the Mona Lisa was Buddha's cousin...Hey, he used union writers on the first one, and look how that turned out...Writers should refuse to work on that, strike or no strike.

UPDATE! Prostitutes in El Alto, Bolivia, who have gone on a hunger strike to protest the bars being closed have taken it a step further by sewing their lips together...Sounds like they really didn't think this through...Now they not only can't eat, they can't work.

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ALMANAC FOR THURSDAY, OCT. 25

PICASSO BORN - (Almanac)
Weirdest Baby Pictures Ever - On this day in 1881, artist Pablo Picasso was born.

* His parents knew he'd be special because both his eyes were on the same side of his face.

ELECTRONIC BREAKTHROUGHS - (Almanac)
Both Got Boiling Hot In Seconds - On this day in 1955, Tappan sold the first microwave oven, and on the same date in 1960, Bulova began selling the Accutron, the first electronic wristwatch.

* Which was slightly larger than the first microwave oven.

* By 1960, you could time your TV dinner to within 1/50th of a second!

* If you remember those things, you probably have a few electronic parts yourself.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
50?! Ay Caramba! - Ciara (22), Chely Wright (37), Adam Goldberg (37), Tracy Nelson (44), Brian Kerwin (58), Jon Anderson (63), Helen Reddy (66), Marion Ross (79) and Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, is 50.

* Bart is like Michael Jackson: middle-aged, but his voice never changed and he still feels like a 10-year-old.

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ADVANCE ALMANAC FOR FRIDAY, OCT. 26

REALLY WELL-ORGANIZED MILITIA - (Almanac)
Their Wives Were The Minute Maids - On this day in 1774, American patriots organized the volunteer militia called the Minute Men.

* The name was their wives' idea. * It only took them a minute because they were a well-organized militia.

GUNFIGHT AT THE OK CORRAL - (Almanac)
I'm OK! - On this day in 1881, the "Gunfight at the OK Corral" took place in Tombstone, Ariz., as Wyatt Earp, his two brothers and "Doc" Holliday confronted the Clanton gang. Three members of Clanton's gang were killed, and Earp's brothers were wounded.

* There was Earp leakage all over the corral.

* It was over in 30 seconds, but Kevin Costner's movie about it lasted three hours.

HEIMLICH APPROVED - (Almanac)
It Didn't Help The Guys At The OK Corral - On this day in 1975, the American Medical Association endorsed use of the Heimlich Maneuver to help a person choking on food.

* The old method, clasping your hands around the person's throat and squeezing, was deemed ineffective.

* It was invented by Dr. Heimlich, to explain to his wife why he was hugging his nurse from behind.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
But Her Husband Feels Like A 20-Year-Old - John Heder (30), Anthony Rapp (36), Keith Urban (40), Natalie Merchant (44), Cary Elwes (45), Dylan McDermott (46), Rita Wilson (49), Bootsy Collins (56), Jaclyn Smith (60), Pat Sajak (61), Pat Conroy (62), Bob Hoskins (65). Also sharing a birthday: Matt Drudge (40) and Sen. Hillary Clinton (60).

* Two people who both owe their careers to Bill Clinton.

COPYRIGHT 2007 - COMEDY WIRE PUBLISHING

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The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Tuesday - September 18, 2007

ALLEGED O.J. ROBBERY CAUGHT ON TAPE (CAREFUL! NOTE LANGUAGE!)
A Day Without O.J. Is Like A Day Without Sunshine - TMZ.com obtained a shocking audiotape of the actual alleged armed robbery involving O.J. Simpson. One of the collectibles dealers carried a portable recorder because he thought there might be a confrontation, and it captured O.J. bursting in commando-style, shouting, "Don't let nobody out of the room!" He is heard screaming, "You stole my (BLEEP)!" and calling them the F-word repeatedly as he and/or the men with him threaten the dealers, order them to stand against the wall, and force them to throw their cell phones on the bed while they stuff autographed balls and other memorabilia into pillowcases.

* So they not only took memorabilia at gunpoint, they also stole hotel pillowcases!

* The tape is called "How I Did It."

* He was just practicing for when he finds the real killers.

* This is why no jury will convict him: he's just too damn charming.

WEB LINK! Censored and uncensored copies with transcripts here: http://www.tmz.com

KEYES ENTERS RACE AGAIN
God Called Him, Collect - Black conservative commentator Alan Keyes, who unsuccessfully ran for the presidential nomination in1996 and 2000, and lost the Illinois Senate race to Barack Obama by a 43 percent margin, announced that he is entering the 2008 presidential race. Keyes said he decided to run because the race is wide open, and "there isn't a standout."

* He'll stand out because he's the only Republican who could lose to Obama by 43 points.

* Scoff if you will, but he's already rocketed past Dennis Kucinich in the polls.

AIRPORT MEN'S ROOM NOW A TOURIST ATTRACTION
It's Either This Or Seeing Garrison Keillor - The Minneapolis airport men's room where Sen. Larry Craig was arrested in a gay sex sting has become a big tourist attraction. A man who runs the shoeshine stand outside it said, "It's been crazy;" people are crowding around, photographing the door and the famous toilet stall. One woman traveler said she and her husband had to stop and check it out. In fact, it was her husband's second time: he was already there last week.

* Although he insists he's NOT gay!

* He's proud of the fact that he used to visit it before it was famous.

* Visitors to that men's room can get their pictures taken by the door, by the toilet stall and with George Michael.

* So it's illegal to tap your foot in the men's room, but it's okay to take pictures?

* That restroom was always a big tourist attraction...That's why the cop was there.

* It's such a tourist attraction, they're about to put a Starbucks in there.

* Business is good at the shoeshine stand: men like to make a good impression while tapping...Also, if your shoes are as shiny as a mirror, you can tell if the guy in the next stall is a cop.

PRETTY BABY II: UNDERAGE MODEL SPARKS OUTRAGE
To Stay Skinny, She Chain Smokes Candy Cigarettes - The Gold Coast Fashion Week in Queensland, Australia, sparked media outrage by choosing as its official face Maddison Gabriel, a blonde, blue-eyed model who just turned 13 on Sunday. Maddison is already 5-foot 7, can "fit into women's clothes," and she's already modeled several revealing outfits, although she's not used for lingerie and swimwear yet. Prime Minister John Howard called it "outrageous" to put a girl as young as 12 into such a sexualized role. But her mother accused him of "getting very doddery," saying, "He does not know exactly what 13 and 14-year-old girls are like...We're trying to get our teenage daughters to act older."

* ...So old rich guys will date them.

* News flash, lady: If your daughter acted 14, she'd be acting older.

* She's not model height yet, but she was born model weight.

* Of course, she can wear women's designer clothes: those are all created for a 12-year-old body.

* Designers like to use her because she's willing to be paid in Beanie Babies.

MEN NOT WASHING HANDS IN BATHROOMS
They're Too Busy Getting Arrested - Monday, the Soap and Detergent Association presented its annual hand-washing survey to a meeting of infection disease specialists in Chicago. They sent spies to hang out in public restrooms and observe over 6,000 people in four US cities to see if people are washing their hands after using the bathroom. More people than ever are skipping the washing, and the gender gap is growing. Two years ago, 10 percent of women and a quarter of men didn't wash; this year, it was 12 percent of women and a third of men. A spokesman said, "Guys need to step up to the sink."

* Except for about a third of guys, who pee in the sink.

* I've heard that in certain airport men's rooms, guys really don't care about hygiene.

* So if you want to be safe, every third man you meet, don't shake his hand.

* They hire spies to watch strange men use public toilets? Well, at least Larry Craig will have a job after the Senate.

AIRLINE PLANS GAY FLIGHT
On This Plane, The Pilots Move Their Tails For You - Air New Zealand hopes to attract the gay and lesbian market with the "Pink Flight," a special theme flight from San Francisco to Sydney's Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras in February. It starts with a "Girlfriend, Get Onboard" party at the airport, and the entertainment will include gay-friendly movies, contests, cabaret music and more. They did a similar flight before: the crew wore pink feather boas, and even the pilot got into it and wore fairy wings. A spokesman said there will be some quiet time during the 14-hour flight, so passengers can get their beauty sleep.

* The pilot, too.

* Some of the passengers miss the flight because they never make it past the airport men's room.

* For this flight, the "Occupied" sign on the toilet door will read "Double Occupancy."

* It's the only flight where the pilot could announce that the plane is going down, and everyone would cheer.

MAN FINDS GOLD TOOTH IN MARS BAR
All He Got From Them Was Snickers - Terence Fitzgerald, an electrician from Hastings, England, was eating a Mars Bar when something got stuck in his throat, and he coughed up somebody's gold tooth. He said it was horrible, and he felt sick. But when he complained to Mars about it, they told him to send them the gold tooth and a copy of his dental records. They wanted him to prove the gold tooth wasn't his. Fitzgerald said he's still got all his teeth, and he won't eat Mars Bars ever again.

* Why not? They have GOLD inside!

* If he's still got all his own teeth, he must not have eaten very many of them.

* You'd expect to find gold in a Payday, or maybe a $100,000 bar.

* Mars should've just told him, "Congratulations! You've found the golden ticket to a tour of the Hastings Dental Clinic!"

BRAIN OPERATION CHANGES BOY'S ACCENT
Also, There Was No Sand Castle - 10-year-old William McCartney-Moore of York, England, contracted a rare strain of meningitis and needed emergency surgery to remove fluid from his brain. He's now fully recovered, but with a very bizarre side effect. Before the operation, he spoke with a harsh, Northern England twang; and now, he speaks like a posh London aristocrat. He can't even hear the difference himself. His family says they first noticed it when they took him to the beach to recuperate, and he said, "Look, I've made a 'sahnd cahsle.'" He had no idea why they were staring at him.

* Or why they impulsively beat the crap out of him.

* He thought they must be brain damaged.

* Hey, did Madonna ever have meningitis?

* So when Henry Higgins said, "By George, I think she's got it!," he meant meningitis.

INTERNET LOVERS TURN OUT TO BE SPOUSES
The "Escape" Part Still Goes - A couple in Zenica, Bosnia, met over the Internet, complained to each other about their miserable spouses, decided they were soul mates, agreed to meet in person, and discovered they were already husband and wife. Adnan and Sana Klaric said they were shattered to discover that the person who seemed so sweet and perfect turned out to be their spouse who never said anything nice to them. Now they are divorcing, each accusing the other of being unfaithful.

* Or unintentionally faithful.

* They could try being nice to each other in person...Nah, that's just too far-fetched.

* This seemed a lot more romantic in that "Pina Colada" song.

SMOKING CAUSES ACNE
Finally, Something That Will Make Teenagers Stop Smoking! - The San Gallicano Dermatological Institute in Rome announced that smoking can cause acne. They call the condition "smoker's acne," in which blocked pores erupt into pimples. Women are especially susceptible to it. In a study of 1,000 women aged 25 to 50, 42 percent of the smokers had acne, compared to only 10 percent of nonsmokers.

* The good news: most people won't come close enough to a smoker to see the pimples.

* Smoking does help control the redness, by turning the skin yellow.

* So either stop smoking, or smoke a lot more, so people can't see your zits through all the smoke.

BAD MONDAY FOR BRITNEY AND K-FED
Haven't They Heard His Album?! - Monday, the FBI denied a report that they were investigating a contract hit on Kevin Federline, saying they'd heard "nonspecific, uncorroborated allegations" of a threat, but there wasn't enough proof that someone wanted to kill him to make a case.

* No specific threat, just general disinterest.

* If they couldn't find anybody who wanted to kill Kevin Federline, they must not have been trying very hard.

* It figures: K-Fed can't even land a contract to get shot.

Also, Lack Of Talent - Monday, a former bodyguard for Britney Spears gave testimony that might cost her custody of her two kids. The transcripts were sealed, but he reportedly made allegations of "nudity, drug use and safety issues."

* Yes, but are those claims credible?!

* Also, she committed child abuse by forcing her kids to watch mommy on the MTV Awards.

Firm Rejection - Also Monday, Britney's talent agency, The Firm, dropped her after just one month, issuing a statement reading, "We believe Britney is enormously talented and has made a terrific record. But current circumstances have prevented us from properly doing our job."

* If they kept her on, they'd have to stop calling themselves a "talent agency."

* They're really good agents. Even though they're dumping her, they said she was enormously talented and had made a terrific record, which shows they're still willing to lie for her.

* Whoever signed her was both fired and had a contract put out on him.

NEWS NOTES!

* Columbus Zoo director Jack Hanna tried to go through a turnstile at the Ohio State University Airport Sunday with a flamingo in a 2x3-foot crate, got stuck tight, and firefighters had to come cut the flamingo out. Hanna said the next time he comes to that airport, the biggest animal he'll bring is a gerbil...Same thing Richard Gere said, and look where that got stuck...He really stuck his neck out trying to bring on a flamingo...That gay airline might want to scrap its plans to bring along some pink flamingos.

* Barry Manilow reportedly pulled out of "The View" at the last minute because he refused to tolerate Elizabeth Hasselbeck's conservative political views...Because conservatives are so intolerant of other people's opinions!...Barry Manilow doesn't want conservatives listening to his music! He only wants hip, trendy liberals singing along to "Mandy!"

* Wednesday, the New York Times will end its paid TimesSelect Web service that charged people $49.95 a year to read columnists such as Maureen Dowd. Content will be free again, in hopes of attracting more readers...And by "more," they mean "any" readers...If that doesn't work, they'll pay us to read Maureen Dowd...Also, too many people had been reading Maureen Dowd, then demanding refunds.

WEB LINK! The "Family Guy" opening song from the Emmys, AKA, the only thing from it worth seeing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrzKyopCls4

HEADLINE OF THE DAY! From the Waterloo, Iowa, Courier: "Witness Says He Tried to Protect Johnson"...And who can blame him?

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ALMANAC FOR TUESDAY, SEPT. 18

CONGRESSIONAL CORNERSTONE LAID - (Almanac)
And In 1993, Bill Clinton GOT Laid There - On this day in 1793, President Washington laid the cornerstone of the U.S. Capitol.

* Marking the first time something got laid in Congress, but hardly the last.

TRAIN BEATEN BY HORSE - (Almanac)
Horses Towed It Away - On this day in 1830, America's first locomotive, the B&O Railroad's Tom Thumb, lost a nine-mile race to a horse. The locomotive sprang a boiler leak and never finished.

* So we gave up and never built another one.

* The horse also had a leak, but he waited until the race was over.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
He's Laughing At O.J. - Rapper Xzibit (33), James Marsden (34), Jada Pinkett Smith (36), Aisha Tyler (37), Holly Robinson Peete (43), James Gandolfini (46), Anna Devere Smith (57), Kerry Livgren of Kansas (58), Frankie Avalon (67), Fred Willard (68), Jimmie Rodgers (74) and Robert Blake (74).

* He's getting up there, ladies, but he's available!

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ADVANCE ALMANAC FOR WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 19

It's "Talk Like A Pirate Day," but after three Johnny Depp movies, that's starting to seem a bit retarrrrrrrrrrrrrr-ded.

FIRST TALKING CARTOON DEBUTS - (Almanac)
Voiced By John Gilbert - On this day in 1928, the first talking cartoon, "Steamboat Willie" with Mickey Mouse, debuted in New York and was a huge hit.

* Surprising, since many people thought Mickey's high squeaky voice would ruin his career.

DISNEYLAND BOOTS KHRUSHCHEV - (Almanac)
We Will Bury Your Mickey Mouse Country! - On this day in 1959, Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev reacted angrily when he was told he couldn't enter Disneyland, due to security reasons.

* His head wasn't as high as Mickey's hand.

* So guess where Russia's nukes were pointed all those years.

* It's odd, because Disneyland was the only place in the world with tighter security than the Soviet Union.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Batman And The Bat Pole - Jimmy Fallon (33), Cheri Oteri (42), Trisha Yearwood (43), Rex Smith (52), Nile Rodgers (55), Joan Lunden (57), Jeremy Irons (59), Freda Payne (62), Randy Mantooth (62), David Bromberg (62), Bill Medley (67), Paul Williams (67), David McCallum (74), Rosemary Harris (77), Adam West (77) and the first waif model, Twiggy (58). When she became a superstar model in 1966, she was 16 years old and her measurements were 31-21-31.

* By today's modeling standards, that would make her a "fat, old cow."

COPYRIGHT 2007 - COMEDY WIRE PUBLISHING

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The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Thursday - July 19, 2007

AL-QAEDA LEADER REALLY AN ACTOR
Who Knows More About Bombing? - US troops arrested a senior member of al-Qaeda in Iraq, and he claimed that the group's supposed kingpin, Omar al-Baghdadi, doesn't really exist. He said it's a fictional character invented by the real al-Qaeda leader from Egypt, who publicly swore allegiance to al-Baghdadi just to make it appear that he was real. Actually, when al-Baghdadi's voice is heard on tapes threatening the West, it's an actor.

* An actor who could really use a new agent.

* Damn! That Gilbert Gottfried is getting all the voice work!

* The real al-Qaeda leader sounds just like Truman Capote.

* They needed a rabidly anti-American actor, so they hired someone from Hollywood.

* How great to be an actor and make a living doing what you love.

BUSH VOWS TO VETO $10 CIGARS
This Came From A Smoke-Filled Room - President Bush may see his popularity rating rise among smokers, at least. Senate Democrats have proposed a plan to pay for children's health insurance by adding another 61 cents per pack tax to cigarettes and a whopping 20,000 percent increase in the tax on large cigars. That means the tax on any cigar larger than a cigarillo would leap from five cents to $10. If it passes in Congress, Bush threatened to veto it.

* If they try to override him, the vote will be close, but no cigar.

* If all cigars are $10 each, only guys named Vito will be able to afford them.

* Republicans don't mind lighting cigars with $100 bills, but they refuse to pay $10 in taxes for the privilege.

* Ironically, it's Bill Clinton who's famous for cheapening cigars.

* Oh, come on! Wouldn't you like to go from smoking cigarillos to smoking $10 cigars?!

* Good plan: fund children's health care from cigar sales, then make cigars so expensive, nobody buys them anymore. Sorry, kids!

CONGRESS SPENDS $1 MILLION ON MYSTERY PROJECT
Saving Tax Money Is Flaky! - Tuesday in Congress, Arizona Rep. Jeff Flake, a fiscal watchdog, questioned an earmark of $1 million in tax money for the "Center for Instrumented Critical Infrastructure." There was no purpose listed for the money, and Flake asked if the Center even exists. Democratic Rep. Peter Visclosky, who chairs the subcommittee that approved the spending, admitted, "At this time, I do not know," adding, "But if it does not exist, the monies could not go to it." That was good enough for the House, which overwhelmingly voted down Flake's proposal to strike it. A reporter found that the $1 million is actually going to a tech consulting firm that gave $7,000 to Rep. John Murtha's campaign, but we still don't know what the $1 million is for.

* Oh, I think we do...

* It will go to fund a study of why America has such a big budget deficit.

* That's Congressional philosophy: "If it doesn't exist, tax money couldn't go to it. In other words, 'I scam, therefore I am.'"

* Throwing away a million bucks in tax money to a mysterious, undocumented pork project...Finally, something Democrats and Republicans can agree on!

MAJORING IN PROSTITUTION
She's Working Her Way Through College - During hearings into college funding changes in New Zealand, it was explained that funding was based on general three-year plans, not specific courses. One Parliament member who questioned the value of new "relevant" courses such as "Twilight Golf" asked if that meant a college could get government funding for courses in, say, prostitution. Education officials said that was possible, although if colleges did propose offering prostitution classes, they would still have to meet tight criteria to get funding.

* Unless they could think of some other way to get politicians to give them money...

* Prostitution classes would be more appropriate for vocational school.

* The good news: if a girl can get an A in prostitution class, she can get an A in any class.

* "Whoring 101" should be a prerequisite for a degree in advertising.

SEXY PICK-UP LINES DON'T WORK
It Worked On Wilma - Scotland's Edinburgh University did a study of pick-up lines and found that men are clueless. Men were asked to try four different types of lines: cultured, complimentary, humorous and sexual (for instance, "I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock"). Women in the test were most receptive to lines that were funny or that signaled the man was a "nice guy." They were most put off by sexually explicit lines, but the men were consistently over-optimistic that vulgar lines would work. A spokesman said he can't imagine a woman being turned on by those lines, but if you look like George Clooney, you might be able to get away with them.

* If you look like George Clooney, the only pickup line you need is "Hi."

* Unfortunately, these guys all looked like Fred Flintstone.

* Men think those lines will work because those are the lines that would work on them.

* The best pick-up line is one that makes a woman feel special...If you find one like that, use it on every woman.

NAKED PEOPLE NEEDED FOR GLACIER PHOTO
Once Again, Hard Nipples Save The World - The Swiss branch of Greenpeace is lookiing for at least 50 volunteers for a new ad campaign about fighting global warming. They want people who are willing to appear nude in a group photo, posing naked on a Swiss glacier. The idea is to draw attention to melting glaciers by making the connection that the world's environment is vulnerable, like the human body. They hope that the sight of all those naked people exposed to the cold will galvanize people to call politicians and demand action on global warming.

* They'll demand more of it! Those poor naked people are freezing!!

* And you thought it was bad when your tongue got stuck to a frozen surface!

* If you're a shy man, don't worry: it'll be so cold, nobody will see anything.

* It'll be so cold, you'll actually be able to SEE them exhaling deadly carbon dioxide, OHMYGOD!!

VERMONT TOWN BANS NUDISTS HANGING OUT ALL OVER
A New Wrinkle - Brattleboro, Vermont, has had enough of public nudity. The liberal town has always been proud of its tolerance of nude sunbathing, skinny-dipping and topless parades, but all the stories about it on the Internet have turned it into a magnet for nudists. Some parents complained about naked teenagers walking around downtown stores, biking and hula-hooping naked. But the last straw came when last Friday's genteel Gallery Walk event was marred by a 68-year-old man who'd come from Arizona so he could wander around in nothing but sandals. Tuesday, officials passed a 30-day emergency nudity ban while they decide what to do.

* First of all, they'll impose an age limit of 40.

* Of course, the nudity ban will not apply to government officials or their employees, especially their secretaries.

* A man who's spent 68 years naked in the Arizona sun needs to put on some clothes...He looked like someone had built a scarecrow out of beef jerky.

* A naked 18-year-old girl hula-hooping is fine, but a 68-year-old man in nothing but sandals is taking freedom a little too far.

EXPENSIVE GAS MAY CURTAIL DRIVING
This Could Give Cheney Another Heart Attack - Many Americans say they've cut back on some expenses due to $3 a gallon gasoline, but a Reuters/Zogby poll found that 40 percent said they would actually drive less if gas hit $3.50 a gallon. 19 percent said it would have to reach $4; another 9 percent said it would take $4.50 gas; 7 percent said it would take $5-a-gallon gas to make them scale back; and 19 percent said they would not cut back on driving no matter how much gas cost.

* The economy is so good, 19 percent of Americans are millionaires.

* But that last sample was skewed because they were all members of Al Gore's family.

* Americans get offered 15 new credit cards every day, so no problem.

* Oil companies don't care if it's $100 million a gallon; all they need is one rich guy with a Hummer.

ROSIE O'DONNELL'S SCARY NEW OFFERS
Turn Out The Lights - Despite her controversial exit from "The View," Rosie O'Donnell has no shortage of offers. The producers of NBC's "Friday Night Lights" hope to boost its low ratings by getting Rosie to play a girls' soccer coach who's angry that most of the money in the small Texas school's budget goes to football.

* After she speaks up, it all goes to football.

* Oh, come on! Who'd believe Rosie O'Donnell as a girls' gym coach?!

* The producers know that if there's one thing fans of small town Texas football love, it's Rosie O'Donnell.

Don't Go Bustin' My Chops - Barry Manilow's next album will be a double-CD of 1970s hits, and he got Rosie O'Donnell to duet with him on a cover of Elton John and Kiki Dee's "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart."

* Which will be renamed, "Don't Go Breakin' My Eardrums."

* Barry Manilow decided his solo albums just weren't sexually ambiguous enough.

* It was the only way he could think of to make 1970s music even more annoying than it was originally.

WHITE STRIPES PLAY SHORTEST CONCERT EVER
Too Many Notes! - NME.com reports that the White Stripes took the stage at a club in St. John's, Canada, and played the world's shortest concert. They played one note - reportedly a C-sharp - then announced they had "now officially played in every province and territory in Canada," and left. Amazingly, hundreds of fans showed up for the concert, even though they were warned in advance that it would be only one note long.

* That would be a great way for Ashlee Simpson to draw bigger crowds.

* But it was a half-note, so there's still plenty of room for someone to break the record with a quarter or sixteenth note.

* It's sad to see the White Stripes go down in history as a one-note band.

"SOUND OF MUSIC" TV CHANNEL
Shut Your Von Trapps, Already! - In Salzburg, Austria, a TV channel has been launched that plays nothing but the movie "The Sound of Music" 24 hours a day. It was filmed around Salzburg, and a survey found that 70 percent of tourists came purely because they were fans. It's expected that the subscription channel will mostly be purchased by hotels and guesthouses so tourists can see the movie at any time.

* It's for people who have only one favorite thing.

* Wouldn't they rather go hiking in the hills and see a doe, a deer, a female deer?

* If you want something a little naughtier, they also have a pay-per-view porn flick called "The Lonely Goatherd."

* If you're thinking you'd like to subscribe to this, then the hills may be alive, but your social life is dead.

NEWS NOTES!

* Wednesday, a massive explosion blew a crater into midtown Manhattan, but Mayor Bloomberg said it was not caused by terrorists but by an exploding steam pipe that hadn't been replaced since 1924...So the good news: our officials are keeping us safe from terrorists. The bad news: they haven't updated our infrastructure since 1924.

* At a speech to fellow trial lawyers in Chicago, John Edwards said that voters like him, Hillary and Obama, but "all the empirical evidence shows that I am the strongest general election candidate"... He's leading the polls among members of the Hair Club for Men...He's a personal injury trial lawyer; he can say ANYTHING with a straight face...(CAREFUL!) It's not that voters wouldn't support a woman or a black man, it's just that they like their presidents to have penises, as long as they're not too big.

* Dennis Kucinich, the only vegan presidential candidate, was hospitalized after he got sick on a flight from Cleveland from apparent severe food poisoning...How do you get salmonella when you don't even eat salmon?...He forgot that in Cleveland, tofu is made with pork...He got sick when he realized the bacon bits on his salad were actually made of bacon.

* Tuesday, Barack Obama told a Planned Parenthood audience that teaching sex education to kindergarteners is "the right thing to do," as long as it's "age-appropriate"...Well, children love pop-up books...Okay, but where are they going to find condoms that small?

* The New England Journal of Medicine reports that studies in Canada and Germany found evidence that "restless leg syndrome," in which people's legs jerk around uncontrollably, is genetic and not imaginary...Well, ain't that a kick in the head...It's in Irish genes; all the people in "Riverdance" have it.

MONKEY PLAYS JOCKEY - (Almanac)
Big Deal! He Came In Third! - On this day in 1842, at a trotting race in Hoxton, England, a pony ridden by a monkey in a jockey suit completed the race, a distance of 4 miles, in 57 minutes.

* They usually disqualify any horse with a monkey on its back.

* It's a toss-up as to which is cuter: a monkey in a jockey suit, or a jockey in a monkey suit.

FIRST ELVIS SINGLE RELEASED - (Almanac)
The Eminem Of 1954 - On this day in 1954, Sun Records released the first single by Elvis Presley, "That's Alright (Mama)" b/w "Blue Moon of Kentucky." Label owner Sam Philips said he'd searched for years for a singer who was white but sounded black.

* Today, of course, every white suburban teenager in America sounds black.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
He Is The Champion! - Rachel Miner (27), Anthony Edwards (45), Campbell Scott (46), Peter Barton (51), Bernie Leadon (60), Commander Cody (63), Vikki Carr (66), George Hamilton IV (70), George McGovern (85) and Queen guitarist Brian May (60). Last week, May finally finished his Ph.D. thesis in physics, 30 years after he started it.

* That's still impressive: most rock stars would take 30 years just to finish high school.

COPYRIGHT 2007 - COMEDY WIRE PUBLISHING

************************************************************************

The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Wednesday - April 4, 2007

NO PROOF "SMART TOYS" WORK
Dum-Dum-Dum-Duuuum! - CDs, DVDs and toys that promise to make babies smarter are a multi-billion-dollar industry, but the Washington, DC, think tank Education Sector said most of them are based on misinterpretations of brain research and won't work. A spokeswoman said it's true that babies' brains change rapidly, but there is no evidence that brain development slams shut at age 3, that lack of sufficient stimulation harms babies, or that playing babies Beethoven or having them play with Einstein-inspired blocks makes them any smarter or more successful.

* Einstein didn't play with them.

* Marketers know that brain development slams shut the moment you become a parent.

* Maybe so, but any kid videos without Barney can prevent brain damage in parents.

* There's also the evidence that kids have more smart toys than ever, but they seem to be getting dumber and dumber.

* If you're dumb enough to think this will make your kid a genius, chances are that no kid with your DNA is going to be a genius.

WOMAN SUES FOR "NEGLIGENT DANCING"
How Heather Mills Really Lost Her Leg - Lacey Hindman of Chicago has filed a groundbreaking lawsuit against a man who danced badly with her at an office party. She says he grabbed her and flipped her into the air, then failed to catch her and dropped her on her head, fracturing her skull. She is seeking medical damages and lost wages on the novel legal grounds of "negligent dancing."

* She's also suing the company for hiring only white men.

* If she wins, this could start a class action suit that will bankrupt every straight man in the world.

* She never expected that he'd try to jitterbug to "O Holy Night."

* The video of this party is now for sale under the title, "Accountants Gone Wild."

WOMAN BITES PURSUER'S PENIS (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
No, It Was April Fool's Day - Natascha Mueller, 23, of Hamburg, Germany, has a unique way of discouraging horny men. She was at a disco and said she just wanted to dance, and Andreas Baum, 39, "kept coming alongside me and would not go away." Baum claims she beckoned him over, said, "I know what you need," and unzipped his fly. He said he "thought it was Christmas" until she pulled out his penis and nearly bit it off. Paramedics found Baum rolling on the dance floor, clutching his bloody organ. Mueller tested six times over the legal drunk limit and was arrested.

* Apparently, there really is an official limit beyond which a woman is too drunk to be trusted around a penis.

* She was drunk enough to star in the most unpopular "Girls Gone Wild" video ever.

* Her defense: she was so drunk, she mistook it for a German sausage.

* On the bright side, she can rest assured no man will ever come on to her again.

FRENCH TRAIN SETS SPEED RECORD
We Can Stage The World's Fastest Retreats! - Tuesday, a group of technicians wearing T-shirts that read "French Excellence" claimed a world record as France's new high-speed V150 train exceeded 357 mph on a 15-minute test run. Dignitaries on board the double-decker train compared the feeling to taking off in a jet. The V150 runs on a super high-voltage cable and has a 25,000-horsepower engine and extra-large wheels. Special adjustments were made to the tracks to keep it safe, such as banking the curves.

* And placing giant throw pillows all around them.

* It broke the old French speed record, which was set by the army surrendering to Germany.

* If a cow gets on the track in front of it, it will be vaporized into atoms.

* This train is so fast, your fellow passengers will barely have time to molest you before it's your stop.

FCC BANS CELL PHONES ON PLANES
Guess Where I'm Calling From! - After years of study, the FCC officiallly barred letting airline passengers use cell phones while in flight, saying there's insufficient information on whether it would jam navigation and communications channels.

* Well, if we don't use cell phones, how will we ever find out?

* Also, people risk getting strangled by the person stuck in the seat next to them.

WORLD'S FIRST "SPIRITUAL FRAGRANCE"
It's What Belly Dancers Wear - IBI, a niche fragrance company in Orange, California, has just released the world's first spiritual perfume. It's inspired by the Bible and mixes scents of apricot, fig, pomegranate, aloe, iris, frankincense and myrrh. The maker says it's designed to be a reminder of God, Christ, spiritual self and soul. It comes in a 1.7 ounce bottle with 24-karat gold lettering, retails for $80, and supposedly "places the wearer in an ancient world of senses, enduring and timeless for over 3,000 years." It's called "Virtue."

* And yet, it's so seductive, you'll feel like a..."Harlot."

* Jesus would tell you to give that $80 to the poor, but He knew nothing about fragrances.

* Or if you prefer to sell your soul to Satan, you can wear Paris Hilton's perfume.

* Michael Jordan's cologne is even more Biblical...Whenever you wear it, people shout, "Jesus! What's that smell?!"

PRACTICAL JOKE SPARKS DIVORCE
He's No Fool - The Shanghai Evening Post reports that a Mr. Lin of Shanghai, China, was getting fed up with his wife, Han, a 26-year-old actress whose method of keeping their marriage fresh was to surprise him with practical jokes every day. For instance, she'd change the locks or hide the dishes in the washing machine. The last straw came on April Fool's Day when he came home to find she'd hanged herself. After he called police and took down her "body," she sat up and started laughing hysterically. He's now divorcing her.

* It was either that or hang himself.

* She kind of expected that when he first saw her hanging there and danced a little jig.

* I'm really surprised that he couldn't see the humor in a woman like that hanging herself.

VERY BAD CARJACKER FOUND
Try Stealing A Tricycle And Work Your Way Up - Police finally located and arrested Erick Fuentes in Allapattah, Florida, on kidnapping and other charges. On March 1, Fuentes allegedly stole Atheysha Diaz's car from her driveway, not realizing her two kids were strapped in the back seat. Daughter Briana, 6, fought back by whacking him with her fists and a copy of the children's book "Sarah's Unicorn" until he couldn't take it anymore, pulled over, removed the kids, and sped away, only to crash into a telephone pole. The incident made national news, and Ellen DeGeneres gave the family a new car on her TV show.

* That's not fair: it's obviously Fuentes who really needed a car.

* Hey, a pop-up book about unicorns can be dangerous!

* The blows he could tolerate, but she was also chanting, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?..."

* (CAREFUL!) He dreads going to prison and having to tell his cellmate that he's in for getting his ass kicked by a six-year-old girl with a unicorn book.

DRUNKEN ZAMBONI-DRIVING LEGAL IN JERSEY
On Thin Ice - A New Jersey judge ruled that it's okay to drive drunk as long as you're on a Zamboni. A Morristown Zamboni operator was arrested after he was allegedly seen speeding and nearly crashing into the boards while grooming the ice at Mennen Sports Arena, and he tested well above the DUI limit. But a judge overturned his license revocation on appeal, ruling that four-ton Zambonis are not motor vehicles because they aren't useable on highways and can't carry passengers.

* Actually, they are and they can, if the driver is drunk enough.

* He still had to pay a stiff fine for crushing all those figure skaters.

* Besides, Zamboni operators have to drink to keep warm.

ROBBERY GOES CUCKOO
Let's Roll! - Tuesday night in Melbourne, Australia, a couple waited for a restaurant to close and robbed the manager as he was leaving. They took a black plastic bag that they thought contained the day's receipts, but actually contained leftover bread rolls for the manager's chickens. The man's shotgun then accidentally went off, spraying his female accomplice's stomach with buckshot. The manager said she "fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes" and screamed, and he ran back inside, locked the door and called the police. The man was arrested, and the woman treated at a hospital. It all took place at the Cuckoo Restaurant.

* For the Cuckoo Restaurant, that was a pretty typical night.

* They tried to rob the Cuckoo Restaurant, and they got their clock cleaned.

* This story left out the most important part: Did the chickens ever get their bread rolls?

KEITH RICHARDS SNORTED HIS DAD'S ASHES
Smelled Like Old Spice - In an interview with NME magazine, Keith Richards was asked the strangest thing he'd ever tried to snort, and he replied that in 2002, "I snorted my father." Richards explained, "He was cremated, and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared...It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."

* Is he sure about that?

* Also, when Keith takes a shot of Old Granddad, he actually is shooting up his granddad.

* To be fair, Keith was young and foolish then, and not even out of his 50's yet.

* If you are what you eat, then I think Mick Jagger has been eating his grandfather.

* Actually, his dad isn't the weirdest thing he ever snorted, he's just the weirdest thing he can remember.

Richards added that he's still alive mostly due to luck, noting that "I was No. 1 on the `who's likely to die' list for 10 years. I mean, I was really disappointed when I fell off the list."

* He'd bet on himself.

* After this story, he just got back on.

* To feel better, he had to do a little more "dad."

PARENTS WANT TO NAME DAUGHTER "METALLICA"
And Her Screams Reach 120 Decibels - Michael and Karolina Tomaro of Goteborg, Sweden, are in court to appeal the government's decision not to let them name their six-month-old daughter Metallica. The Swedish Tax Board, which must approve names, said it's associated with heavy metal and is ugly. But her Metallica fan mom said, "It suits her. She's decisive and she knows what she wants."

* She's already got five tattoos and a tongue stud!

* But she's not old enough yet to realize that she does NOT want to be named "Metallica."

* Besides, Michael doesn't know it, but her real dad is in Metallica.

* The kid should consider herself lucky that her parents aren't fans of Anthrax.

* I say we put the Swedish Tax Board in charge of regulating baby names in Hollywood.

STOP THE PRESSES: NO NEWS ON ANNA NICOLE'S BABY
No Access Hollywood - All day long Tuesday, reporters gave minute-by-minute updates as they breathlessly awaited the long-delayed DNA tests to reveal the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, Dannielynn. Then, the Nassau court held its proceedings in a closed-door session, and later announced that due to a gag order, they couldn't reveal the results outside of court. So we still don't know who the father is. Court proceedings won't resume until next Tuesday.

* The big question: how much is CNN paying the judge to drag this out another week?

* "Gag order" means they'll keep stretching this out until we gag.

* At least this means there's still a chance I could win my bet that the father is Bigfoot.

NEWS NOTES!

* The blogger who went on a hunger strike until Sanjaya Malaker is voted off "American Idol" started eating again after 16 days at doctor's orders, but she says she's devising some other strategy to get rid of him...She's now considering eating him...After fasting for 16 days, not even Sanjaya's singing could kill her appetite...Her doctor also prescribed ear plugs.

* Warren Beatty insisted that the Carly Simon song "You're So Vain" really is about him...Come on, it must be! Who else is so vain, he thinks that song is about him?

* A restaurant in Beijing, China, paid $75,000 for a giant, golden tiger fish because it's a symbol of wealth and good fortune...If you can pay $75,000 for a fish, don't you already HAVE wealth and good fortune?... Asked how the fish is, a waiter replied, "It's delicious with peanut sauce."

FIRST WOMAN MAYOR IN U.S. - (Almanac)
Quite A Dame! - On this day in 1887, Susanna Medora Salter of Argonia, Kansas, became the first American woman elected mayor. The Women's Christian Temperance Union nominated her and forgot to tell her. She found out she was a candidate when she went to the polls to vote.

* She had forgotten that she wasn't allowed to vote.

* How could they forget to tell her she was nominated? Were they drunk?!

BEATLES MAKE CHART HISTORY - (Almanac)
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah! - On this day in 1964, the top five places in the U.S. singles chart were held by Beatles songs, a feat no other artist has matched.

* Today's top five only sound like they're all by the same artist.

(Also the anniversary of Martin Luther King's death in 1968)

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Too Many Candles, Not Enough Blow - Jamie Lynn Spears (16), Natasha Lyonne (28), Heath Ledger (28), David Blaine (34), Nancy McKeon (41), Christine Lahti (57), Craig T. Nelson (63), Kitty Kelley (65), Hugh Masekela (68), Michael Parks (69), Clive Davis (75), Maya Angelou (79) and Robert Downey Jr. (42).

* Wow! That's like a gerbil living 42 years! What are the odds?!

COPYRIGHT 2007 - COMEDY WIRE PUBLISHING

************************************************************************

The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Monday - March 26, 2007

SCIENTISTS CREATE SHEEP-HUMAN HYBRID
Bah! - Scientists at the University of Nevada have developed the first human-sheep chimera: a sheep with half-human internal organs. After seven years of injecting human cells into sheep fetuses, they have created a sheep that has 15 percent human cells. They hope to use its organs for medical research or even transplantation to humans. It's sure to revive complaints about scientists playing God, but Prof. Esmail Zaniani said that at the early stage at which the cells are injected, there's no "fusion," meaning the sheep has no characteristics of a human.

* Except one: it votes a straight-party ticket.

* Although it does look an awful lot like Chris Sligh.

* Funny, if you're a sheep with the guts of a human, you're nothing...But if you're a human with the guts of a sheep, you can run for Congress.

* One teensy problem: if you eat sheep's liver, you're now a cannibal.

CITY TO GO DARK FOR AN HOUR
Watch TV By Candlelight - Next Saturday, Sydney, Australia, will be plunged into darkness for an hour as all the lights are turned off to raise awareness of global warming. The environmentalist groups who organized it hope it will be the first of many cities worldwide turning off all the lights. They call it "Earth Hour."

* Or as everyone else will call it, "Muggin' Time."

* It's part of a worldwide campaign that they like to call "Back to the Dark Ages."

* So how does it help the Earth to have a bunch of energy-consuming babies born nine months from now?

HARLEQUIN SEEKS "REAL MEN" FOR COVER MODELS
From Fabio To Flabbio - Reuters reports that Harlequin Romances are trying to freshen up their novels by featuring a new kind of cover model: real men. Research found that the average reader, a 42-year-old female, doesn't like it when the book describes a brawny, macho hero, and the cover features a young, skinny, pretty-boy male model type. So at a recent casting call in Toronto, 200 guys answered an ad for older, bigger models. A Harlequin spokeswoman said they were seeking an "iconic look that women go for -- sexy, sensitive, beautiful and fit. We want real men...exactly what you think in your mind when you're fantasizing or imagining that ideal man."

* And not his teenage son.

* You know, the Jim Belushi type.

* It's for a new line of romance novels called the "Chunka-Chunka Burnin' Love" series.

* Nobody can figure out how it happened, but the winner of the casting call was Sanjaya Malakar.

* Of course, the female cover models will still be 22 and willowy.

BEAR TRAPS FOR YOUR VAGINA (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
And SO Comfortable! - Two years after South African inventor Sonnet Ehlers invented an anti-rape device that she calls Rapex, she finally won a patent and is about to start marketing it. It's like a female condom, except with a row of tiny, sharp teeth that attach to the penis. Critics say it could be misused by vengeful women, but Ehlers claims it is just meant to drive away would-be rapists and identify them, since they have to go to a doctor to have it removed. The device will start being mass-produced in China next month.

* And you thought Chinese finger traps were bad!

* This will also be popular with women who are dating masochists.

* If a man comes to a doctor with a row of tiny teeth in his penis, the doctor will know that he's either a rapist or he's dating a piranha.

BATMAN BUSTED
World's Coolest Mugshot - Thursday on Hollywood Boulevard, Batman was arrested. A street performer who dresses as Batman for tourist photos used a portable toilet rented by striking union workers. They protested, an argument ensued, and Batman reportedly got aggressive, removed his cape and started daring them to fight. The Jimmy Kimmel Show, which films next door, got video of the cops handcuffing Batman, putting him in the back of a patrol car, and taking him away.

* To find out what happened to him, tune in tomorrow! Same Bat-time, Same Bat-channel!

* Of course, that wasn't the real Batman, kids...That was Bizarro Batman.

* You know someone on Hollywood Boulevard is ready for a serious brawl when he takes off his cape.

* The strikers were upset because he got bat guano all over their Porta-Potty.

DESERT FULL OF FOOD DISCOVERED
Call Rosie O'Donnell For Clean-Up! - Photographer Troy Paiva was capturing iimages in the Mojave Desert when he stumbled upon nearly an acre of food left to rot. He said there were "pallets and pallets and pallets" of food, including cases of yogurt and Reddi-Whip, all filled with bugs and smelling like dead animals. It was traced back to the Orange County Food Bank, which explained that when they get big corporate donations that would go bad before they can be eaten, they are sent to a pig farm for feed, and the farmer apparently dumped the surplus in the desert without permission. But he couldn't explain why there were also cases of toothpaste left there.

* Because the pigs refused to brush their teeth...They're PIGS!

* The pigs wouldn't eat the yogurt, and neither would the homeless people.

* You can't get rid of Reddi-Whip by dumping it in the Mojave Desert. It has a shelf life of 250,000 years.

* The cases of rotting yogurt were sitting on cases of moldy Ritz crackers, disproving the theory that everything's better when it sits on a Ritz.

MAN SEEKS FEMALE TOMBMATE
Deal Involves Suicide Pact - The Jinling Evening Post reports that a 45-year-old bachelor named Mr. Li from Nanjing City, China, is advertising on the Internet for a female tombmate. He said he was talking with friends in a bar about life and death, and they talked about how sad it is to be alone, even after death, so he got the idea for the ad for someone to share his tomb when he dies. He describes himself as single but sociable. He told a reporter, "I don't want a relationship with her. I just want to find someone to share the lonely tomb."

* If he just wants a cold, stiff woman lying next to him, he needs to get a wife.

* He describes himself as sociable...at least right now.

* You know you're a confirmed bachelor when you can't stand to live with a woman unless you're both dead.

PUB BANS MAN FOR FARTING PROUDLY (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
Cutting The Cheese - The London Sun reports that Stewart Laidlaw of Fife, England, has been banned from his favorite pub, Thirsty Kirsy's, over his proud farting. The owner said, "The smell is disgusting, and when he drops one, he'll shout and wave his arms so everyone can smell it." Laidlaw is said to be "very angry" at being banned, but other customers said they'd had enough of him "basking in the glory of his smells."

* Hey, is it his fault the pub serves boiled eggs and pigs' knuckles?

* He's just trying to be all that he can be, and this is all that he can be.

* His wife is now begging the bar to take him back.

* He just loved having a bar where everybody knows his name.

MILLION-DOLLAR LAPTOP
The Anti-Glare Thing Alone Cost $20! - The British luxury goods maker LLuvaglio has created the first laptop computer that costs $1 million (US). Details have yet to be released, but the CEO said they didn't just want to offer a normal laptop encrusted with diamonds, so they created unique features, such as a Blue-Ray drive and a special anti-reflective glare coating for the screen. He said there are diamonds on it, but they are functional, such as a very rare colored diamond that doubles as both the power button and a security ID to prove the laptop is yours.

* People can tell it's yours from the fact that you're also wearing a diamond-studded pocket protector.

* For a million bucks, that laptop had better give me lap dances.

* It also comes with special software to help you keep track of your drug-smuggling empire.

PURSES MADE FROM BRAS
The Purses Even A Man Will Hold - WSPA-TV reports that Spartanburg, South Carolina, designer Jenifer Steller's daughters were always bringing her leftover beading and fringe to recycle, and it gave her the idea for her new "Bravura" purse line: purses made from recycled bra cups. Steller said they are lacy and elegant enough to carry to weddings or proms, and they're "kind of exciting for women because they are carrying around their little secret."

* Their little Victoria's Secret...

* News flash: most girls who go to proms end up carrying their bras in their hands.

* It inspired Dolly Parton to turn her old bras into a set of matching luggage.

SINGER WARNED ON PLASTIC SURGERY
I Just Couldn't Take Any More - The London Daily Mail claims that Tom Jones was warned by a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon that after years of eyelifts, chin tucks and other work, if he has any more done, his face might collapse. Jones explained that the doctor told him, "'You've got to be careful with your eyes.' He advised me against having anything else done. He said I should try to look as natural as I can."

* The only way he can still do that is to stand next to Michael Jackson.

* His eyes tend to dry out because he can no longer blink.

* The doctor suggested that when women throw panties at him, he should wear them over his head.

WEEKEND NEWS NOTES!

* (CAREFUL!) At a showing of "Apocalypto" at California State University Northridge, a professor of Mayan studies began complaining to Mel Gibson about alleged racism and inaccuracies, and Gibson replied, "F--- you, lady, make your own movie" as she was escorted out...Probably one of those troublemaking Jewish Mayans...She can't make her own movie! Who'd be dumb enough to bankroll a movie about ancient Mayans?!

* Victor "Macho Man" Willis, the former cop from the Village People, was arrested again in San Diego after his girlfriend complained that he'd choked and threatened her...He'd threatened to sing "YMCA" for the 10,000th time...The most shocking part of the story: one of the Village People has a GIRLFRIEND!

* In a move that debt counselors hailed as a symbol of the problems with mortgage lending, a 102-year-old man in East Sussex, England, was granted a 25-year, $380,000 mortgage loan that won't be paid off until he's 127...So what? I also have a $380,000 mortgage that won't be paid off until I'm 127...At least he had collateral: a $380,000 life insurance policy.

* A study of nursing staff workers in the UK found that married people suffered much less workplace stress than singles because they were able to go home and talk to their spouses about their job problems...But they do eventually suffer stress from the divorce...All the single hospital workers are under tremendous stress from having sex with each other, or so I learned from "Grey's Anatomy."

* At an auction in North Carolina, a rare 1823 "official" copy of the Declaration of Independence sold for $477,650. The seller was Nashville music technician Michael Sparks, who had bought it in a thrift store for $2.48...He talked them down from $2.99...That's the document that declared war with England over high taxes. And half the proceeds of the sale will go to pay the taxes.

* Postal worker Kenneth Fox of Pinellas County, Florida, says his arthritis requires him to keep moving, so he's suing the US Postal Service under the Americans with Disabilities Act for making him take lunch breaks...He won't rest until this is over!...He's a postal worker who's ticked off, in pain, and not able to take a break. Well, there's a recipe for disaster!

* Saturday, Tara Conner turned over her crown to new Miss USA Rachel Smith of Tennessee, who will go on to the Miss Universe pageant...Meanwhile, Tara will go on to the World Chugalug Championships in Milwaukee...Smith won all the competitions, including Swimsuit, Evening Gown and Breathalyzer...As always, the first runner-up will assume the crown in the event that the winner is unable to fulfill her duties due to a wicked hangover.

* Sunday night on NBC's "Grease: You're the One That I Want," TV viewers nationwide voted Max Crumm and Laura Osnes to play the lead roles of Danny and Sandy in a $10 million Broadway revival of "Grease"...Which will close in a week because nobody ever heard of the stars...The investors replied, "Really? Those are the ones they want?!"...Voters determined them to be the two greasiest performers in America...Max Crumm barely edged out Sanjaya Malakar.

GOOD NEWS! Mystery Science Theatre returns, sort of: http://www.mania.com/54091.html

DEAD POETS SOCIETY - (Almanac)
The Road Most Traveled By - On this day in 1875, poet Robert Frost died, and on the same day in 1892, poet Walt Whitman died.

* Rod McKuen will be spending the day in bed with the covers pulled up.

BEETHOVEN DIES - (Almanac)
Dum-Dum-Dum-Duuuuuuum Joke - On this day in 1827, composer Ludwig van Beethoven died.

* And ever since, he's been decomposing.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Highly Illogical - Keira Knightley (22), Juvenile (32), T.R. Knight (34), Kenny Chesney (39), Michael Imperioli (41), Jennifer Grey (47), Leeza Gibbons (50), Ronnie McDowell (57), Martin Short (57), Teddy Pendergrass (57), Vicki Lawrence (58), Steven Tyler (59), Johnny Crawford (61), Diana Ross (63), Bob Woodward (64), Erica Jong (65), James Caan (67), Nancy Pelosi (67), Alan Arkin (73), Sandra Day O'Connor (77), Pierre Boulez (82), and Leonard Nimoy (76). Coincidently, on this day in 1859, French astronomer Urbain Jean Joseph Leverrier thought he sighted a new planet inside Mercury's orbit and named it Vulcan.

* And being French, he immediately surrendered to it.

* Nimoy also tried singing on several albums, and proved that his Vulcan ears weren't the only thing about him that was ridiculously sharp.

COPYRIGHT 2007 - COMEDY WIRE PUBLISHING

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The Comedy Wire
By Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth
Thursday - February 8, 2007

CRAZY ASTRONAUT UPDATE!
The public seems fascinated that astronaut Lisa Nowak wore diapers to avoid stopping on her long drive to intercept a love rival. So NASA reminded people that all astronauts wear diapers, since they can't use the bathroom during launches or long spacewalks...So when they call space "where no man has gone before," that's not exactly true...Most of the original NASA astronauts wear them all the time...And of course, they all wear them during reentry, for obvious reasons.

DUMB COMPUTER QUESTIONS
They Need Monitoring - British Telecom revealed some of the dumbest consumer IT calls they've handled. When a caller was told to click on "My Computer," he said, "I don't have your computer, just mine." One caller was told to "press any key" and couldn't find the "any key." A woman said, "I met a man on the Internet; can you give me his phone number?" One wanted to know how to change the monitor from the word processing channel back to the Internet channel. One asked if spyware let people see him getting undressed through the monitor. Someone said he couldn't see his family in Australia and when asked what kind of webcam he had, replied, "What's a webcam?" And a man complained that his mouse pad wasn't wired up. When told mouse pads don't have wires, he asked, "Well, how does it know where my mouse is? Is it wireless?"

* No! It's satellite technology.

* If you don't have an "any key," just press every key.

* If they ever develop spyware that lets everyone see you getting undressed, Paris Hilton will buy it.

* There were also complaints that the cursor kept turning into a little hand that was giving them the finger.

* Their most frequently-asked question: "Do Apples have to be refrigerated?"

BED-IN AGAINST IRAQ WAR
Very Slow News Day In Mobile - Ernie and Lynn Seewer of Mobile, Alabama, are protesting the war in Iraq with a "bed-in." They said that when letters and e-mails didn't end the war, they took inspiration from John Lennon and Yoko Ono. They still go to work and go about their daily lives, but at night, they sleep in the living room. But it's a bigger sacrifice than it sounds: Ernie told the local paper that moving the bed into the living room was "rough...You take it apart, and you move the couch around and the coffee table around. It was kind of a big project."

* But it'll be worth it when it ends the war in Iraq.

* Bush will have no choice but to recall all the troops when he hears they moved the coffee table.

* Something tells me this is the biggest project of his entire life.

* Even if it doesn't end the war, it will be worth it, since the bedroom smells like cat pee.

VIDEO GAMES GOOD FOR YOUR EYES
You Can Dodge Bullets! - Parents have told kids for years that playing too many video games will make them go blind, but it turns out, they're actually good for your eyes. A University of Rochester researcher found that people who played action video games for a few hours a day improved their vision by about 20 percent in a month. Prof. Daphne Bavelier said, "These games push the human visual system to the limits and the brain adapts to it. That learning carries over into other activities and possibly everyday life."

* For instance, you wouldn't believe how fast your trigger finger gets.

* (CAREFUL!) Playing a lot of video games is so good for your eyes, it makes up for all the masturbating.

CHRISTINA AGUILERA: MARRIAGE COUNSELOR
I'll Go To Her Concert On Sunday - Oh Ellen DeGeneres's show, Christina Aguilera revealed her secret to keeping her marriage alive: "Naked Sundays." She said. "We don't need to go anywhere, we're just with each other. We do everything naked. We cook naked." Ellen replied, "Nothing with grease; that could splatter." Christina said, "Well, unless you want the grease."

* Didn't she already try being naked and greasy back in that "Dirrty" video?

* This marriage will last FOREVER.

* Know what's even better? Naked ice cream sundaes.

* That's good marital advice, but what about for churchgoers?

* Being naked all day only keeps your marriage together if you look like Christina Aguilera.

JIM CARREY: SELF-HELP GURU
The Mask Of Calm - E! Online reports that Jim Carrey plans to write a self-help book called "Be Ready to be OK." He said it will just be things he thinks about and what he believes. For instance, he thinks "most things we get upset about in life can be avoided if we just went in ready to be okay when things happen. 'Okay, I'm getting in the car right now, so chances are I could hit some traffic. Be ready to be okay with that. Deal with it.'"

* Don't overreact, or make outrageous facial expressions...

* Jim Carrey is known for his pervasive sense of calm.

* Be ready to deal with things that are tragic and unpleasant, like "Son of the Mask" or "Dumb And Dumberer."

TOWN ADOPTS ROCKY AS NEW SYMBOL
Gonna Drown Now - The residents of Zitiste, Serbia, are sick of only making the news when their town has a flood or other disaster. So to change their image, they want to erect a giant statue of Rocky Balboa. A spokesman for the new Association of Rocky Balboa said the statue is a symbol of the town's ability to get beaten up and knocked down, but to bounce back.

* Better make it earthquake-proof.

* The statue will make a fine symbol, until a flood knocks it down and it breaks into a million pieces.

* If they want to build a tourist attraction, how about the world's largest punching bag?

ATTORNEYS CHARGED IN SEX SCAM
Next, On "Boston Legal" - Married lawyers Mary and Ted Roberts of San Antonio, Texas, are facing theft charges after Mary allegedly had affairs with four men, and Ted then threatened them if they didn't pay him damages for his emotional distress, he'd sue and expose them to hate, contempt and ridicule. He reportedly collected about $140,000 from the men to drop his claims and not tell their wives. The couple are arguing that this wasn't blackmail, and that approaching people with a legal claim and offering to quietly settle it is something that lawyers do all the time.

* Uh-huh..."blackmail."

* (CAREFUL!) Also, screwing people for money is something that lawyers do all the time.

* She has sex with men, and they pay him? That's not theft, it's just pimping; so it's normal behavior for lawyers.

* The cheating aside, they really make a great team.

* They just didn't want to be exposed to hate, contempt and ridicule if people found out they were having sex with a lawyer.

DESIGNATED DRIVER EJECTED FOR NOT DRINKING
Claire Is A Mean Drunk - Gary Maujean of Pinellas Park, Florida, plans to sue Claire's Lounge for discrimination after he was allegedly thrown out by a bouncer and needed 12 stitches in his head. He says it's because he was drinking soda instead of ordering booze, due to him being his group's designated driver. The bar owner denied that, claiming he didn't order anything at all.

* So they had no choice but to bash his skull against a door.

* The bar didn't know how to deal with a designated driver; they've never had one before.

* The irony is that after getting those 12 stitches, he really could've used a drink.

SNICKERS KISS AD YANKED
Men Are From Mars, Gays Are From Penis - Mars Corp. has decided to pull the ad that debuted during the Super Bowl, in which two auto mechanics eating a Snickers bar accidentally kiss, then pull out their chest hair to prove they're manly. They got a number of complaints that it was homophobic.

* Also, that it associated Snickers bars with sweaty, matted chest hair.

* Besides, only metrosexuals rip out their chest hair while denying they're gay.

* The stockholders were yelling, "Yank it! Yank it!," which their ad agency thought was kinda gay.

* To prove they're gay-friendly, they're working on a really explicit commercial for Butterfinger.

BOWL BET SPARKS NAME CHANGE
Be Glad Raheem Brock Wasn't QB - Chicago Bears fan Scott Wiese of Decatur, Illinois, lost a Super Bowl bet he made in writing at a local piano bar, so he has now begun the legal process of changing his name to that of Colts quarterback, Peyton Manning. He said his sacrifice reveals the true passion of Bears fans.

* Piano bars?

* But Bears fans didn't hear him because they refuse to listen to Peyton Manning.

KISS LIKE A STAR
That's What He Does - William Kane, author of "Kiss Like A Star," says that new variations on kissing are being invented all the time, and people can learn them from Hollywood. His book shows close-ups of 60 movie kisses with instructions on performing them, from the sweep-her-off-her-feet kiss in "Gone With The Wind" to Johnny Depp's French kiss in "Cry-Baby." The more unusual kisses include the "ice cream kiss" from "The Notebook," in which Rachel McAdams shoved a cone into Ryan Gosling's face and licked it off, and the "vacuum kiss" from "Coneheads." Kane said if readers have no one to practice with, they can make a "mouth" with their left hand, stick their right thumb through it as a tongue, and practice French kissing on their hand.

* He learned that from a big Hollywood star: Pee Wee Herman.

* Keep in mind that whenever you shake a geek's hand, he's probably just been doing that.

* (CAREFUL!) And once they get their hand turned on enough, who knows where it will lead...

* Most guys learned how to French kiss by watching a big Hollywood star: Lassie.

* I like the "Nobody's Buyin' This" Kiss, made famous by Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

WORST LOVE SCENES EVER (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
Who Says Sharon Stone Isn't A Great Actress? - For Valentine's Day, Maxim magazine compiled a list of the worst movie and TV love scenes ever. They include Joe Pesci and Sharon Stone in "Casino," Jack Nicholson kissing a sexy ghost who turns into a rotting corpse in "The Shining," and J-Lo's "gobble-gobble" scene with Ben Affleck in "Gigli." At #2 was "Crash," in which car crash fetishist James Spader has sex with Rosanna Arquette's leg wound. But beating them all was Rosie O'Donnell yakking constantly while Julian McMahon grinds away on her on "Nip/Tuck."

* Filming that scene turned her gay...Julian, too.

* You almost wish it had been an oral sex scene, just so she'd finally have to shut up.

* That was so bad, Julian was actually fantasizing that she'd turned into a rotting corpse.

* If you don't have a date for Valentine's Day, just watch these movies and be put off sex forever.

WEB CLIPS! http://www.maximonline.com/slideshows/videos/worstlovescenes.aspx?film=1

KEITH URBAN SUES KEITH URBAN
Urban Legend - Keith Urban is suing the owner of www.keithurban.com, a New Jersey painter named Keith Urban. The singer accused the artist of cybersquatting and using his name to try to confuse people into thinking he's the singer. One problem with that claim: the painter registered the site in 1999, a year before Urban's debut album came out. Also, his real name is Keith Urban, while the singer's real name is Keith Urbahn, and he changed it to Urban.

* He was trying to confuse people into thinking he was the painter from New Jersey.

* There's no other conclusion: the artist is a psychic cybersquatter!

* Well, who wouldn't want people to think you're a country singer fresh out of rehab?

* This could possibly mean that Nicole Kidman married the wrong man!...Hey, it's happened before.

NEWS NOTES!

* A Texas man who owns the window from which Lee Harvey Oswald shot President Kennedy is offering it on eBay at a starting bid of $100,000...Install it in the front of your house and keep obnoxious neighbors far away...It's great for hunters: you can make IMPOSSIBLE shots from that window.

* Galtee Merci, the most prolific bull in Ireland, has died after fathering at least 100,000 offspring. Over 10 percent of the nation's milk cow population is related to him...That's gonna be a big funeral...And to think, he never actually had sex...He's to Irish cows what Mick Jagger is to Brazilian models.

FIRST RADIO IN THE WHITE HOUSE - (Almanac)
He Wanted To Hear Paul Harvey - On this day in 1922, President Warren G. Harding had the first radio installed in the White House.

* He immediately had it removed after he discovered the DJs were all telling jokes about his sex life.

BIRTHDAYS - (Almanac)
Spot The Virgin - Seth Green (33), Vince Neil (46), John Grisham (52), Mary Steenburgen (54), Brooke Adams (58), Dan Seals (59), Robert Klein (65), Nick Nolte (66), Ted Koppel (67), Jack Larson (74), John Williams (75) and Gary Coleman is 39. Gary is a sci-fi nut who considers "Star Trek" creator Gene Roddenberry to be a god, and he once said he remained a virgin because he was afraid women only wanted his money.

* That's crazy!...Gary Coleman doesn't have any money!

* Of course, it couldn't be because he's a very short Trekkie.

COPYRIGHT 2007 - COMEDY WIRE PUBLISHING

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