Comedy Wire Radio Service Announces Its "Top Ten Losers Of 2003"
Dallas, TX -- December 26, 2003 -- In 2003, not all the losers were on the battlefield, according to self-proclaimed "loserologists" Pat Reeder and Laura Ainsworth.
For over a decade, the Dallas-based husband-and-wife comedy-writing team have been scouring the world for news stories about hopeless incompetents for "The Comedy Wire," their syndicated daily humor service used by radio DJs and talk show hosts worldwide. They are also the co-authors of the "reverse self-help" book, "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers" (Comedy Wire Publishing), available through bookstores and online at www.comedy-wire.com. Reeder speaks to corporate audiences on the Nine Hallmarks of Losers, and each December, they release their list of the "Top Ten Losers of the Year."
Reeder and Ainsworth, who both worked in corporate training and communications before going into what they call "intentional comedy writing," claim that most stories of failure and humiliation can be boiled down to nine basic mistakes, such as "Never Plan Ahead," "Don't Sweat The Details," "Call Undue Attention to Yourself" and "Claim Talents You Don't Really Have." After many hours of sifting through their voluminous files from 2003, they have selected ten outstanding underachievers who exemplify these hallmarks of loserdom.
"We start each new year thinking that it will be harder next time to come up with ten losers big enough to be worthy of the list," Ainsworth said, "but by December, the hardest part is narrowing it down."
Reeder added, "We had Michael Moore morphing into a loser while in the
process of winning an Oscar, an Australian beverage company that named
a soft drink 'Sars,' a Delaware man who got rid of his extra gunpowder
by throwing it on his fireplace. plus the ultimate victim of circumstance,
Chicago Cubs fan Steve Bartman. When none of them were bad enough
to make the list, then you know the people who did make it are some truly
first rate losers. Congratulations!"
The Comedy Wire's Top Ten Losers of 2003
10. Human Shields -- These poor deluded do-gooders assumed talents they didn't really have by traveling all the way to Iraq to stop mortar shells with their faces, only to find themselves scorned by Iraqis and ridiculed mercilessly by everyone else in the world. Handy Tip: NEVER volunteer for any job with the words "human shield" in the title.
9. "Joe Millionaire II" -- The first series inexplicably attracted monster ratings, but the heavily-hyped sequel just proved that while bimbos can be fooled twice, TV viewers cannot.
8. France -- French leaders were so certain all Americans were illiterate that they assumed we couldn't read all the nasty things they were saying about us. Their strategic error finally dawned on them when the lack of tourists left Paris waiters standing around sneering at each other, then going home to soak their feet in unsold surplus French wines.
7. Michael Jackson -- Michael is becoming a permanent fixture on our list and no wonder. Even after paying a reported $20 million legal settlement and being hit with nine felony charges, he went on "60 Minutes" to publicly announce his refusal to stop sleeping with children. Apparently, he wants to reserve a place early for our 2004 Loser List.
6. 2003's Stupidest Crook -- It's always tough to choose, with such candidates as the early-bird robber in Salt Lake City who showed up before a bank opened and waited on the sidewalk wearing his mask, or the two Berlin men who robbed a supermarket of its Easter candy and left a trail of chocolate eggs straight to their door. But the loser crown goes to the Minnesota teen who repeatedly tried to wave an off-duty sheriff over to sell him pot, even miming smoking a doobie to get his attention.
5. Gray Davis -- California's ex-governor not only managed to get himself unelected just one year after being reelected, he also made even Arnold Schwarzenegger sound coherent by lauding California's diversity with this baffling declaration: "We have people from every planet on the Earth in this state!" No argument here.
4. Volunteer Jihadists -- As Iraqis cheered American troops, thousands of misguided neighbors streamed across the border to "rescue" them by attacking the world's best-equipped military with sharp sticks. U.S. Brigadier-Gen. John Kelly summed up their success rate with this memorable line: "...Often, they run into our machine guns, and we shoot them down like the morons they are."
3. Bennifer -- Overexposed lovebirds Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez proved that there really is such a thing as too much publicity, as fed-up moviegoers turned "Gigli" into a bigger bomb than anything we've found in Iraq yet.
2. Celebrities With Feet Of Clay -- Bill Bennett's gambling problem, Martha Stewart's creative stock trades, R. Kelly's love of youth, Eminem's colorful opinions of black girls, Kobe Bryant's unique way of showing his wife how much he loved her, ad nauseum. In 2003, there were more alleged celebrity role models exposed as hypocrites than there were pills in Rush Limbaugh's medicine cabinet.
1. Saddam Hussein -- A no-brainer. Saddam started 2003 perched on a gold toilet and ended it by being yanked out of a hole, looking like Tom Hanks at the two-thirds mark of "Castaway." Still, as bad as 2003 was for him, it was better than 2004 promises to be.
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For over a decade, Pat Reeder and Laura Ainsworth's "Comedy Wire" has been the secret weapon of many top radio morning shows around the world. They have created thousands of radio commercials and award-winning training programs for such corporations as Southwestern Bell, GTE and Sylvania. They are the co-authors of "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers" (Comedy Wire Publishing/Biblio Distribution). Pat is the co-author of "Hollywood Hi-Fi" (St. Martin's Press), while Laura is also a singer/parodist whose critically-acclaimed one-woman show "My Ship Has Sailed" (www.lauraainsworth.com) satirizes America's obsession with youth.
For information, contact: Pat Reeder
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