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Top 10 Losers of 2004, From The Comedy Wire International Radio Service

Pat Reeder and Laura Ainsworth, self-proclaimed "loserologists" and writers of the internationally-syndicated radio humor service "The Comedy Wire" and the book "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers," present their annual list of the past year's ten biggest losers.

Dallas, TX (PRWEB) January 5, 2005 -- In a year that contained both a controversial war and a bitter election, it takes expert loserologists to narrow down the biggest losers to only ten, but Pat Reeder and Laura Ainsworth were not daunted by the task.

For over 12 years, the husband-and-wife comedy-writing team have been scouring the world for news about hopeless incompetents for “The Comedy Wire,” their syndicated daily humor service used by radio DJs and talk show hosts worldwide. They are also the co-authors of the “reverse self-help” book, “Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers,” available to bookstores through Biblio Distribution and online at Reeder speaks to corporate audiences on the Nine Hallmarks of Losers, and each year, the couple release their annual list of the “Top Ten Losers of the Year.“

Reeder and Ainsworth, who both worked in corporate training and advertising before going into what they call “intentional comedy writing,” claim that most stories of failure and humiliation can be boiled down to nine basic mistakes, such as “Never Plan Ahead,” “Lose Sight of the Goal,” and “Call Undue Attention to Yourself.”

They waited until January 1 to release their list because, as Reeder said, “It's never too late for someone to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory and end up on the list at the last minute. For instance, the Associated Press nearly made our list by releasing their 'Top 10 Stories of 2004' on December 20th. None of them included the word 'tsunami.'”

Reeder said there was such a literal embarrassment of riches in 2004 that many worthy competitors failed to make the final cut, including Pete Rose, Ron Artest, Bill O'Reilly and Courtney Love. He added, “And if they didn't make it, then you know these 10 are truly the creme de la creme of loserdom.”

And the Comedy Wire's Top 10 Losers of 2004 are:

10. Donald Rumsfeld - Now the #1 target of Bush critics and dangerously low on armor, he made possibly his biggest strategic mistake of all at the end of the year: agreeing to stay instead of skedaddling like everyone else.

9. Kobe Bryant - Prevailed in court with his claim that the sex was consensual, but even if that's true, when you tally up all the lost endorsement deals, legal fees and wife-mollifying jewelry, this could be history's first billion-dollar one night stand.

8. Reality TV show viewers - Sure, one show was even called "The Biggest Loser," but if you wasted hours of your life watching it, you know you're a bigger loser than the contestants. Eating worms, going on blind dates, getting fired and redecorating your house from Sears do not become scintillating entertainment just because they're on camera. There is a good reason why Ed Sullivan used to be the only talentless person allowed on TV, and why that was called "The Golden Age of Television."

7. Michael and Janet Jackson - Unlike his nose, Michael has become a permanent fixture of our list, but his identical sister earned an honored place beside him. Despite massive publicity from her Super Bowl "wardrobe malfunction," her CD was the bust that truly flopped. If squeaky-voiced pop stars can no longer sell records by getting naked, Janet's could be the first of many careers that are over.

6. Dan Rather - Mr. "Loser Hallmark #3: Don't Sweat The Details" ended his journalism career by falling for "30-year-old" memos so bogus, they might as well have been laser-printed on "Forgeries R Us" stationery.

5. Ashlee Simpson - The new poster child for our "Loser Hallmark #8: Claim Talents You Don't Really Have." On "SNL," Ashlee proved she doesn't even have a talent for jig-dancing.

4. 2004's Dumbest Criminal - Always a hard choice, but the honor goes to three would-be burglars in Gerringong, Australia, who repeatedly tried to kick open a glass restaurant door, not noticing that (A.) it was a sliding door, (B.) it was unlocked, and (C.) the restaurant was open and 20 diners were watching them and laughing their heads off.

3. Martha Stewart - Bad enough she became the first domestic diva to go to prison since Julia Child knocked over a liquor store (wait, I think we just dreamed that), but the ultimate indignity was losing her prison's Christmas cell door-decorating contest. Oh, the inhumanity!

2. John Kerry - What do you call a man who gets more votes than any other losing presidential candidate in history? You call him THE LOSER! So could we please stop recounting votes and get on with our lives?! To keep this list from being dominated by Democrats, Sen. Kerry shares his space with Tom Daschle, George Soros, the Dixie Chicks, exit pollsters, people who paid Michael Moore millions for crackpot conspiracy theories they could read for free on the Internet, Deaniac slackers who didn't realize they actually needed to show up somewhere and vote, anyone who needed therapy or threatened to move to Canada in November because Bush won, and countless others who are still in Ohio somewhere, counting. Move on, already!

1. Ben Affleck - Last year he made "Gigli," so you'd think it couldn't get any worse. But Ben kicked off 2004 by losing J-Lo and releasing "Jersey Girl," and finished it with "Surviving Christmas." In between, he campaigned for -- ta da! -- John Kerry. Ben had a hand in so many disasters this year, we're amazed he didn't buy a time share in Fallujah. On the bright side, he is good at poker, a career where his talent for blank facial expressions actually comes in handy.

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Pat Reeder and Laura Ainsworth's "Comedy Wire" is the secret weapon of many top radio morning shows around the world. They are also the co-authors of "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers" (Comedy Wire Publishing/Biblio Distribution). Pat is the co-author of "Hollywood Hi-Fi" (St. Martin's Press), while Laura is also a singer/parodist whose critically-acclaimed one-woman show “My Ship Has Sailed” and her popular weblog at satirize America's obsession with youth.

For information, contact: Pat Reeder

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All material © copyright 2005 by Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth.