Top 10 Losers of 2005, From The Comedy Wire International Radio Service

Pat Reeder and Laura Ainsworth, self-proclaimed "loserologists" and writers of the internationally-syndicated radio humor service "The Comedy Wire" and the book "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers," present their annual list of the past year's ten biggest losers.
 

Dallas, TX (PRWEB) January 1, 2006 -- Who were the biggest losers of 2005?  It's a tough call, even for self-proclaimed "loserologist" Pat Reeder.

Since 1992, Reeder and wife/writing partner Laura Ainsworth have written The Comedy Wire syndicated humor service (www.comedy-wire.com), used by radio DJs and talk show hosts worldwide.  They scour the world daily for news of hilariously humiliating screw-ups.  With their prior experience in corporate training, they realized that most of these missteps could fit into one or more categories of nine basic, easily-avoidable mistakes, such as "Never Plan Ahead" or "Work While Drunk or High."  They codified these mistakes in their "reverse self-help" book, "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers."  Reeder also does a humorous live speech for corporate audiences on avoiding the pitfalls of loserdom, and each year, the Comedy Wire releases its annual list of the "Top Ten Losers of the Year."

Reeder said, "2005 was a turbulent year, where newsmakers were down one day, up the next.  Winners and losers were often mixed up, sometimes in the same person.  For instance, if you pondered the word 'loser,' you might naturally conjure up a mental image of Kevin Federline.  On the other hand, 'K-Fed' spent 2005 sleeping with Britney Spears in a mansion and partying on her dime.  Even if she dumps him, it's rumored the pre-nup will pay him a couple million dollars, which should keep him in the lifestyle he's inexplicably accustomed to for about six months, by which time, he'll probably have married Paris Hilton.  He's a kind of winner disguised as a loser."

"And we won't know until 2006 who's the big loser: Tom Delay or his comically zealous prosecutor, Ronnie Earle.  See, confusing year."

So after much debate and with a couple of caveats, 10 "winners" for the "Top Ten Losers of 2005" were chosen.  Unlike other lists that are released in December, the Comedy Wire creators always wait until January 1 because, as Reeder noted, "It's never too late to come out of nowhere and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, as our #1 Loser can attest."
 

AND THE COMEDY WIRE'S TOP 10 LOSERS OF 2005 ARE...
 

10.  Tom Cruise -- He ranks this low only because he is a prime example of the "winning loser."  He had a hit movie, snagged a lovely if unlikely fiancee, and made far more money than you.  But he also plummeted from box office king to "Most Annoying Celebrity" thanks to our Loser Hallmarks #7: "Lose Your Cool" (kangarooing all over Oprah's couch, sniping at Matt Lauer) and #8: "Claim Talents You Don't Really Have" (in this case, an expertise in psychiatric diagnosis, which is frankly just nuts).
 

9.  French President Jacques Chirac - After years of sniffing that American leaders were stupid, violent cowboys for meeting threats with force, the French government at last got a chance to show the world their enlightened, non-violent plan for dealing with rioters.  It turned out to be "See how long we can pretend we don't notice the smell of smoldering Peugeots before finally sending in the cops."
 

8.  The Dumbest Criminal of the Year is always the hardest choice due to the abundance of worthy candidates, but rising below them all was a Nashville teenager who exemplified Loser Hallmark #2: "Don't Sweat The Details."  She was charged with trying to hire a hit man to kill four men and steal a large pile of cocaine she'd seen at their house.  Not only was the "hit man" an undercover cop, the "cocaine" was actually a pile of white cheese used to make nachos.   The only detail she got right: it actually was an addictive substance.
 

7. The Music Industry - Battled ever-falling CD sales with a two-prong strategy to win back music fans:  Bully them with extortionist lawsuits and infect CDs with computer-crashing spyware.  What's  their next brilliant PR move, injecting every CD label with small pox virus?
 

6.  "Runaway Bride" Jennifer Wilbanks -- This story seemed to drag on forever, becoming more outrageous and embarrassing with each new twist, all because Ms Wilbanks couldn't communicate five little words: "Honey, let's postpone the wedding."
 

5.  President Bush - Had a tough year, as he was once again the poster child for Loser Hallmark #4: "Don't Communicate Clearly."  His best response to months of criticism was to try to flee through a locked door.  But to show what a seesaw year it was, Bush finally started defending himself and ended 2005 with his dismal poll numbers sharply rising.  He was helped by...
 

4.  The Democrats -- Started the year on an upswing by appealing to growing anti-war sentiment, but once again fell victim to their eternal weakness, Loser Hallmark #9: "Bend Over Too Far Backwards."   By never realizing when they are going too far, they let "Let's Bring Our Troops Home!" morph into "America Can't Win!," not exactly an inspiring campaign slogan.  Note to Tom Cruise: these people might be running America if only Howard Dean would take Ritalin.
 

3.  (Three-way tie)  Former FEMA Director Michael Brown, whose handling of the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina set a new high water mark for Loser Hallmark #1: "Never Plan Ahead;" and Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco and New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, who nearly sprained their fingers pointing at FEMA despite being equally useless in both the aftermath and the beforemath.  Blanco and Nagin are actually seeking reelection while Brown was wise enough to take a new job...as a consultant on disaster preparedness!  We're already reserving spots on the 2006 list.
 

2.  Santa Barbara, California, D.A. Tom Sneddon -- Spent millions of taxpayer dollars and months of police time, yet was somehow unable to convince just 12 people that Michael Jackson likes little boys.  And he even had Jay Leno in court to help!  Sneddon's one great accomplishment in 2005 was to keep Jacko off the Loser List for the first time in years .
 

1.  Roger Toussaint --  New York City transit workers' union boss, who made it all the way to one week before Christmas in happy obscurity before calling a Grinch-like bus and subway strike that decimated businesses and forced furious New Yorkers to trudge for miles through bitter cold.  Illustrating several Loser Hallmarks, including #2: "Lose Sight of Your Goal," Toussaint racked up huge fines and didn't win any better contract terms, but he victoriously declared that the strike won "respect" for transit workers...which it did, if you define "respect" as "an eyeful of spit."

Pat Reeder and Laura Ainsworth's "Comedy Wire" is the secret weapon of many top radio morning shows around the world. They are also the co-authors of "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers" (Comedy Wire Publishing). Pat is the co-author of "Hollywood Hi-Fi" (St. Martin's Press), while Laura is also a singer/parodist whose critically-acclaimed one-woman show “My Ship Has Sailed” and her popular weblog at www.lauraainsworth.com satirize America's obsession with youth.
 

For information, contact: Pat Reeder
Email:    pat@comedy-wire.com
Website: http://www.comedy-wire.com

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All material © copyright 2005 by Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth.