Top 10 Losers of 2006
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Comedy Wire International Radio Service Unveils Its 5th Annual "Top 10
-- 30 --
Pat Reeder and Laura Ainsworth,
self-proclaimed "loserologists" and writers of the
internationally-syndicated radio humor service "The Comedy Wire" and
the book "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers," present their
annual list of the past year's ten biggest losers.
Dallas, TX (SANEPR) Dec. 30, 2007 - 2007 was a banner year for losers
and an even better year for syndicated radio humorist, corporate
speaker and self-proclaimed "loserologist," Pat Reeder, author of the
"reverse self-help" book, "Nine Hallmarks of
In unveiling the 5th annual "Top Ten Losers of the Year" list, Reeder
declared, "From the mortgage business to the music industry, it seemed
as if losing big was 2007's hottest trend. That's terrible for most
people, but at least it gives us an endless supply of material."
Since 1992, Reeder and wife/writing partner Laura Ainsworth have
written The Comedy Wire (www.comedy-wire.com), used by top radio hosts
worldwide. Aside from the abundance of material, 2007 brought an
unexpected burst of publicity when longtime Comedy Wire fan Mike
Huckabee suddenly vaulted to the top of presidential polls, partly
thanks to his well-honed sense of humor. Huckabee credits Reeder and
Ainsworth for inspiring some of his most-quoted quips, and he returned
the favor by writing the funny foreword to "Nine Hallmarks," in which
he called The Comedy Wire "as much a part of my morning reading routine
as the Bible and the morning paper."
Reeder and Ainsworth work all night long, scouring the world for all
types of news to lampoon; but Reeder is particularly fond of stories of
hilariously humiliating screw-ups, and 2007 brought a tidal wave of
them. With his early background in corporate training, Reeder realized
that most of these missteps could fit into one or more categories of
nine basic, easily avoidable mistakes, such as "Lose Sight of Your
Goal" or "Don't Communicate Clearly," which became the outline for
"It's always tough to pick the top ten losers of any year," Reeder
said, "but 2007 posed a real challenge. It was a year in which people
who'd hoped to cover their stock market losses by borrowing against
their home equity suddenly found themselves trying to commit suicide by
sucking on a lead-coated children's toy. A year in which
environmentalists demonstrated 'Loser Hallmark #9: Bend Over Too Far
Backwards' (creating solutions that make the problem worse) by jetting
to luxurious retreats and giant concerts in far-flung locales, where
they nagged the rest of us to cut CO2 emissions by sitting home in the
dark. There was so much competition, even O.J. Simpson didn't make the
list. He'll probably make it in 2008, but who knows? Maybe he'll beat
the rap again, if cloning technology advances enough to create another
"But I think you'll agree that, more than ever before, the people who
made this year's Loser List well and truly deserve it."
AND THE COMEDY WIRE'S TOP 10 LOSERS OF
#10 - Paris Hilton - The queen
of "Loser Hallmark #5: Call Undue
Attention to Yourself," Ms Hilton's early release from jail sparked a
reverse prison riot in which the public rose up and demanded that a
celebrity for once serve her full sentence just so they wouldn't have
to look at her for a few weeks. Bonus points for coining the Loser
Quote of the Year: "Waaaah! Mommy!"
#9 - The "Loser Hallmark #9:
Bend Over Too Far Backwards" award goes to
all our overzealous "zero tolerance"
public school officials, who in
2007 brought down the jack boot on students for such felonies as
hugging each other, holding a flower in a yearbook photo, making
Mother's Day cards, using Smarties candies as prop drugs in an
anti-drug play, and (horrors!) high-fiving each other. And they
actually think that treating kids this way makes them less likely to
erupt in violence.
#8 - Our #1 example of "Loser
Hallmark #1: Never Plan Ahead" was the
British man who indulged in a sex game he didn't think through.
attaching a padlock to his genitals, then filling the keyhole with
Superglue, he ended up spending several terrifying hours having it (the
padlock) slowly cut off by firefighters. Lesson for men: No matter how
much you value the family jewels, do not padlock them.
#7 - Alberto Gonzales - A
victim of "Loser Hallmark #4: Don't
Communicate Clearly," the former US Attorney General was never quite
able to explain what constitutes torture, but after listening to his
legalistic circumlocutions for hours on end, we now know torture when
we hear it.
#6 - Congressional Democrats -
After a triumphant 2006, party leaders
"lost sight of the goal" (Loser Hallmark #2) by dropping real reforms
for a series of non-binding resolutions that were doomed to vetoes
before they even started wasting time on them. They would then
re-propose them, over and over, all while expressing shock that
Republicans were thwarting them using the exact same tactics they used
to use themselves. Their approval rating set a record low, not only
falling below President Bush, but also far below O.J. Simpson and just
slightly ahead of Lyme Disease.
#5 - 2007's Dumbest Criminals: Always
a tough choice with such
competitors as the North Carolina men who got drunk at a birthday
party, robbed a police station and left a trail of cake crumbs to their
door; and the New Jersey woman accused of murdering her husband after
allegedly using her office PC to Google such terms as "undetectable
poisons" and "how to commit murder." But we anoint the two alleged
kidnappers in Georgia who dropped their victim off at a bank to
withdraw ransom money, then went next door to Chik-fil-A, telling her
to meet them after lunch with the cash. She called the police instead,
proving that you can't trust anyone these days.
#4 - Major League Baseball -
Thanks to the steroid era, future record
books may have so many asterisks, they will look as if someone had been
swatting mosquitoes with them. Let us hope MLB has learned that there
is only one acceptable way to make baseball exciting through the use of
mind-altering chemicals, and that's by selling beer to the spectators.
#3 - Screwed-up Pop Tarts -
Obviously, Britney Spears could top the
2007 Loser List, and we could fill out the rest with Amy Winehouse,
Lindsay Lohan, etc. But that would be cruel, and worse, boring. So
let's just give them a Lifetime Achievement Award in "Loser Hallmark
#5: Work While Drunk or High" and tiptoe gently away.
#2 - Lynne Spears - We aren't
trying to be Freudian and blame the
mother for all of Britney and Jamie Lynn's behavior. The Spears family
matriarch made our list not just for her terrifying parenting skills
but for the staggering hubris that made her think she should write a
"how-to" book to share her magic touch with other parents, thus making
her the epitome of "Loser Hallmark #8: Claim Talents You Don't Really
Have." Luckily, the publisher has "delayed" the book, preferably until
Hell freezes over.
#1 - Michael Vick - The Bible
tells us, "From everyone to whom much has
been given, much will be required." We are so indulgent toward star
athletes that Vick was given things beyond his wildest dreams, with
only one requirement: Don't electrocute doggies. And he still couldn't
manage it. So we give him the coveted title of "Loser of the Year,"
which requires nothing of him except that he keep on acting the same
Reeder and Laura Ainsworth's "Comedy
Wire" is the secret weapon of many top radio morning shows around the
world. They are also the co-authors of "Nine Hallmarks of
Highly Incompetent Losers" (Comedy Wire Publishing). Pat is also a
corporate speaker and co-author of "Hollywood Hi-Fi" (St. Martin's
Press), while Laura is a singer/comedienne whose critically-acclaimed
one-woman show "My Ship Has Sailed" and her popular weblog at www.lauraainsworth.com
satirize America's obsession with youth and beauty.
For information, contact: Pat Reeder
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All material © copyright 2007 by Pat Reeder