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Top 10 Losers of 2006

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The Comedy Wire International Radio Service Unveils Its 5th Annual "Top 10 Losers" List

Pat Reeder and Laura Ainsworth, self-proclaimed "loserologists" and writers of the internationally-syndicated radio humor service "The Comedy Wire" and the book "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers," present their annual list of the past year's ten biggest losers.

Dallas, TX (SANEPR) Dec. 30, 2007 - 2007 was a banner year for losers and an even better year for syndicated radio humorist, corporate speaker and self-proclaimed "loserologist," Pat Reeder, author of the "reverse self-help" book, "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers."

In unveiling the 5th annual "Top Ten Losers of the Year" list, Reeder declared, "From the mortgage business to the music industry, it seemed as if losing big was 2007's hottest trend. That's terrible for most people, but at least it gives us an endless supply of material."

Since 1992, Reeder and wife/writing partner Laura Ainsworth have written The Comedy Wire (, used by top radio hosts worldwide. Aside from the abundance of material, 2007 brought an unexpected burst of publicity when longtime Comedy Wire fan Mike Huckabee suddenly vaulted to the top of presidential polls, partly thanks to his well-honed sense of humor. Huckabee credits Reeder and Ainsworth for inspiring some of his most-quoted quips, and he returned the favor by writing the funny foreword to "Nine Hallmarks," in which he called The Comedy Wire "as much a part of my morning reading routine as the Bible and the morning paper."

Reeder and Ainsworth work all night long, scouring the world for all types of news to lampoon; but Reeder is particularly fond of stories of hilariously humiliating screw-ups, and 2007 brought a tidal wave of them. With his early background in corporate training, Reeder realized that most of these missteps could fit into one or more categories of nine basic, easily avoidable mistakes, such as "Lose Sight of Your Goal" or "Don't Communicate Clearly," which became the outline for "Nine Hallmarks..."

"It's always tough to pick the top ten losers of any year," Reeder said, "but 2007 posed a real challenge. It was a year in which people who'd hoped to cover their stock market losses by borrowing against their home equity suddenly found themselves trying to commit suicide by sucking on a lead-coated children's toy. A year in which environmentalists demonstrated 'Loser Hallmark #9: Bend Over Too Far Backwards' (creating solutions that make the problem worse) by jetting to luxurious retreats and giant concerts in far-flung locales, where they nagged the rest of us to cut CO2 emissions by sitting home in the dark. There was so much competition, even O.J. Simpson didn't make the list. He'll probably make it in 2008, but who knows? Maybe he'll beat the rap again, if cloning technology advances enough to create another Johnnie Cochran."

"But I think you'll agree that, more than ever before, the people who made this year's Loser List well and truly deserve it."


#10 - Paris Hilton - The queen of "Loser Hallmark #5: Call Undue Attention to Yourself," Ms Hilton's early release from jail sparked a reverse prison riot in which the public rose up and demanded that a celebrity for once serve her full sentence just so they wouldn't have to look at her for a few weeks. Bonus points for coining the Loser Quote of the Year: "Waaaah! Mommy!"

#9 - The "Loser Hallmark #9: Bend Over Too Far Backwards" award goes to all our overzealous "zero tolerance" public school officials, who in 2007 brought down the jack boot on students for such felonies as hugging each other, holding a flower in a yearbook photo, making Mother's Day cards, using Smarties candies as prop drugs in an anti-drug play, and (horrors!) high-fiving each other. And they actually think that treating kids this way makes them less likely to erupt in violence.

#8 - Our #1 example of "Loser Hallmark #1: Never Plan Ahead" was the British man who indulged in a sex game he didn't think through. After attaching a padlock to his genitals, then filling the keyhole with Superglue, he ended up spending several terrifying hours having it (the padlock) slowly cut off by firefighters. Lesson for men: No matter how much you value the family jewels, do not padlock them.

#7 - Alberto Gonzales - A victim of "Loser Hallmark #4: Don't Communicate Clearly," the former US Attorney General was never quite able to explain what constitutes torture, but after listening to his legalistic circumlocutions for hours on end, we now know torture when we hear it.

#6 - Congressional Democrats - After a triumphant 2006, party leaders "lost sight of the goal" (Loser Hallmark #2) by dropping real reforms for a series of non-binding resolutions that were doomed to vetoes before they even started wasting time on them. They would then re-propose them, over and over, all while expressing shock that Republicans were thwarting them using the exact same tactics they used to use themselves. Their approval rating set a record low, not only falling below President Bush, but also far below O.J. Simpson and just slightly ahead of Lyme Disease.

#5 - 2007's Dumbest Criminals: Always a tough choice with such competitors as the North Carolina men who got drunk at a birthday party, robbed a police station and left a trail of cake crumbs to their door; and the New Jersey woman accused of murdering her husband after allegedly using her office PC to Google such terms as "undetectable poisons" and "how to commit murder." But we anoint the two alleged kidnappers in Georgia who dropped their victim off at a bank to withdraw ransom money, then went next door to Chik-fil-A, telling her to meet them after lunch with the cash. She called the police instead, proving that you can't trust anyone these days.

#4 - Major League Baseball - Thanks to the steroid era, future record books may have so many asterisks, they will look as if someone had been swatting mosquitoes with them. Let us hope MLB has learned that there is only one acceptable way to make baseball exciting through the use of mind-altering chemicals, and that's by selling beer to the spectators.

#3 - Screwed-up Pop Tarts - Obviously, Britney Spears could top the 2007 Loser List, and we could fill out the rest with Amy Winehouse, Lindsay Lohan, etc. But that would be cruel, and worse, boring. So let's just give them a Lifetime Achievement Award in "Loser Hallmark #5: Work While Drunk or High" and tiptoe gently away.

#2 - Lynne Spears - We aren't trying to be Freudian and blame the mother for all of Britney and Jamie Lynn's behavior. The Spears family matriarch made our list not just for her terrifying parenting skills but for the staggering hubris that made her think she should write a "how-to" book to share her magic touch with other parents, thus making her the epitome of "Loser Hallmark #8: Claim Talents You Don't Really Have." Luckily, the publisher has "delayed" the book, preferably until Hell freezes over.

#1 - Michael Vick - The Bible tells us, "From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required." We are so indulgent toward star athletes that Vick was given things beyond his wildest dreams, with only one requirement: Don't electrocute doggies. And he still couldn't manage it. So we give him the coveted title of "Loser of the Year," which requires nothing of him except that he keep on acting the same way.

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Pat Reeder and Laura Ainsworth's "Comedy Wire" is the secret weapon of many top radio morning shows around the world. They are also the co-authors of "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers" (Comedy Wire Publishing). Pat is also a corporate speaker and co-author of "Hollywood Hi-Fi" (St. Martin's Press), while Laura is a singer/comedienne whose critically-acclaimed one-woman show "My Ship Has Sailed" and her popular weblog at satirize America's obsession with youth and beauty.

For information, contact: Pat Reeder

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All material © copyright 2007 by Pat Reeder & Laura Ainsworth.